GAY DADS CANADA

GAY FATHERS! THE NEWLY EMERGENT MEMBERS

OF THE GAY CULTURE.

The gay dad is a part of no world at all,

precisely because he partakes of two disparate ones. Living in two societies that commingle without intermingling, he seeks to belong to both and therefore falls short of full integration in either. Wherever he turns, he is a minority-

not only in the world at large but in his identity.

Throughout the world, across multiple

time zones, cultures, and countries,

gay men everywhere are stepping out of

the straight, married, parenting world and

moving out of the closet into the gay, single,

childless world.

Often closing the closet door brings these gay

men into direct conflict with moral, cultural,

legal, social and family issues within their

communities which impact their ability to

sustain continued loving relationships with

their families and their communities.

As these newest members of the gay world shed

their straight identities and adopt gay personas can

they ever be happy straddling two worlds, or will they

become our newest gay rights activists securing new

rights for gays everywhere? As they struggle to rebrand

themselves, their families, and their communities they will

unmistakably test the very foundations of the two worlds

they inhabit.

WHO ARE EMERGING GAY FATHERS?

     The Gay father is a newly emergent member of the gay culture. There are very little services and support for these new members. What is available has been intermittent, locally based group meetings in YMCAs and community centers. Gay males who are also fathers exist in a unique and complex social world very different from other gay and straight men.

     Their daily challenges relate to identity concerns, acceptance of self, acceptance by family, and

acceptance by other gays as well as concerns more specific to parenting and custody issues. A major concern shared by many gay fathers relates to their ability to develop a long-term, committed relationship with another gay man who accepts and deals with children as a central component of their new gay relationship.

     A man who is both gay and a father is a social outcast in both the straight and gay world.  His very label “gay father” is a contradiction to the rules of these two worlds.  Gay immediately labels him homosexual,while father implies he is heterosexual.  The difficulty lies in his simultaneous

existence as a gay man and a parent. This complicates his understanding of who he is because the idea of a gay father also contradicts the very stereotypical image of the gay man he may be trying to become.  A stereotype that gays are not inclusive of children in their very lifestyle and orientation.

     The process of self identity development for most gay fathers demands of them a reconciliation of these two polar extremes.  Since each identity (heterosexual and homosexual) essentially is unacceptable by the opposite world, their lives require that they integrate their two

identities in their roles as gay fathers.

HOW GAY FATHER COME TO BE!

     There are as many reasons why gay fathers chose to become parents as there are gay men who are fathers. Some simply could not accept their homosexuality until years of marriage during which they had children; some

chose to become fathers even though they were aware of their sexual orientation, while others become parents as a result of their dissatisfaction with the gay lifestyle.  While some of these fathers may acknowledge their

orientation after marriage, there are those who entered their marriage fully aware of their orientation.

     Under these various facades, gay fathers chose marriage and involvement in the straight world of parenting out of a desire to conceal or deny their gay identity; developed a genuine affection for a female partner; yield to social

pressures of parents and family to adopt a conventional straight lifestyle; escape feelings of being gay or simply wishing to reproduce for all the same reasons

held by straight fathers.

     Many fathers who identify themselves as gay, usually only do so after years of trying to fit into a straight lifestyle.  These fathers have married, explored

intimate relationships with woman, produced children, and adopted a whole variety of attitudes and behaviors that are representative of a straight lifestyle.The only real contacts these fathers maintain with their gay identities are through

clandestine impersonal sexual encounters during their marriages.

WHY GAY FATHER ARE NOT ACCEPTED?

     The nature of the gay culture conflicts with many characteristics of the lifestyle of the gay father who has a history of straight involvement.Without understanding such, gay fathers present themselves into the gay culture as a father. As someone with a history of long-term emotional and financial responsibilities to others, time restrictions, different living arrangements,obligations to others who are dependent on him, and so on.  As a result a gay father’s character has often been dramatically altered by fatherhood towards greater responsibility, selflessness and moderation. 

     This flies in the face of the gay culture, which typically is singles oriented with other men often having few long-term

commitments, few if any financial responsibilities for others, and a heavy emphasis on personal freedom and autonomy. So, it will not be uncommon for a gay father to experience discrimination and rejection from other gay men who are not fathers because of these restrictions to freedom and the lack of understanding if not devaluation of the place of children in the gay culture.

     Because most gay fathers have a history of experiences in relatively long-term, committed relationships, they will tend to want to replicate this same type of relationship

with a gay man. These new relationships tend to produce strains on the relationship due to feelings of jealousy toward the children often experienced by their new gay partner, and the knowledge that the gay father typically will maintain strong if not preferential ties and loyalties to his children.

     A gay father may then be viewed as being semi-integrated into two subcultures, the gay father verses the straight parent.  The gay father is then seen as a kind of

“marginal man” who does not belong fully to either social situation. The gay father is then forced to hold two social statuses that are to a great degree inconsistent. In many

ways, then, this dual integration status almost becomes analogous to the divorced,single parent world, regardless on the father’s declared sexual orientation.

HOW GAY FATHER RELATE TO THEIR KIDS!

     There are a variety of issues that are unique to the parenting situations of every gay father. Very little is known, however, about the quality of a gay fathers

parenting as compared to straight fathers nor of the nature of gay fathers child rearing experiences in general.  Likewise, little is known about the experiences

and perceptions of children who have a gay father.  One of the central issues for gay fathers and their children relates to how and when a gay father makes his sexual orientation known to his children.  As a group, there is much debate among gay fathers whether it is appropriate or not, when is the best time to disclose to children and how it is best done.

     Usually, two events appear to promote disclosure.  When parents become separated or divorced and when the father develops an intimate relationship or partnership with another gay man. On a positive note, it appears that in most

cases that regardless of age of the child or means of disclosure that most children of all ages and both sexes usually respond positively. Experience has shown the reason for most children’s acceptance can be attributed to gay fathers who tend to teach their children to be accepting of variations in human behavior, it is impossible for

most children of gay fathers to begin to perceive their fathers in a negative way so abruptly after having a long history of loving experiences with them and considering

the disclosure may at the time help to relieve family tensions in their homes since the children would be less likely after disclosure to blame themselves for their parents

breakup.

     A common fear among many children of gay fathers is what their peers will think of them if their father’s gay identity becomes public knowledge.  The central concern

seems to be that others will assume that they are gay as well. Children will attempt to employ several controlling strategies in relation to their gay fathers and how they are

perceived by their peers.

     First, children may use “boundary control” which allows for the control of the gay father’s behavior or asking the gay father to behave in ways that conceal his sexuality; control of their own behavior in relation to the gay father such as refusing to be seen in public with the father and his lover or gay friends; or controlling others in relation to the gay father such as not bringing friends to the father’s home

to keep them from coming into contact with any evidence of the father’s gay lifestyle.

     Second, children may make use of the strategy of both “nondisclosure” and/or “disclosure”.  With “nondisclosure, children may be able to best control their own image by simply not sharing the fact of their father’s gayness with anyone.  While with “disclosure”, which may seem contradictory, children may chose to tell selected friends

who may be potential allies who will keep the father’s sexuality to themselves while protecting the child’s image.

     There are, however, certain factors in the parenting relationship that will determine the degree and extend to which children will actually chose to use these types of

controlling strategies. How children view the obtrusiveness or how discernible the child thinks the father’s gayness is and how strong their mutuality or the degree of

identification the child has with the gay father, will determine whether or not a child will employ controlling strategies. The child’s age and if he or she lives with the

gay father are also important factors. The less obtrusive the child believes the father’s gayness to be and the more feelings of mutuality and connectedness the child feels

with their gay father, the less likely the child will use controlling strategies.

HOW GAY FATHERS PARENT!

     There is no evidence of any kind the shows that living with a gay dad has any significant negative effects on children. In fact, research shows that gay dads are as effective and may be even more so in some ways than straight dads.  Time has shown that gay dads were more endorsing of paternal nurturance, less endorsing of economic providing as a main ingredient of their fathering behavior, and somewhat less traditional in their overall approach to parenting.  It has been found that most gay

fathers have positive relationships with their children, the father’s sexual orientation is of little importance in the overall parent/child relationship; and gay fathers try

harder to create stable home lives and positive relationships than what would be expected among straight dads.

     The bottom line of what is known currently is that being gay is not incompatible with effective parenting. No differences have been recorded between straight and

gay dads in problem-solving, providing recreation for children, encouraging their autonomy, handling problems related to child rearing, having relatively serious

problems with children, or having generally positive relationships with their children. Gay dads report having great satisfaction with their children and fewer disagreements with their partners over discipline of their children. When gay dads are compared with straight dads, in most cases the gay dads are found to be more strict and to consistently emphasize the importance of setting limits on childrens behavior.

     Gay fathers go to great lengths in promoting cognitive skills in their children by explaining rules and regulations. In doing so, gay fathers place greater emphasis on verbal

communications with their children. Generally gay fathers are more sensitive and responsive to the perceived needs of their children. Gay fathers also appear to go to extra lengths to act as a resource for activities with children. They seem no different from straight dads in their expression of intimacy toward children except they appear

less willing to be demonstrative towards their partner in their children's presence than are straight dads.

     Several explanations can be drawn that address the differences and similarities in the parenting skills of gay and straight dads.  First, gay dads may feel additional

pressures to be more proficient at their parenting role than straight dads. Factors that seem to motivate gay dads to be “better” fathers include stronger feelings of guilt about

their role in fathering children; and a sensitivity to the belief that they are “in the spotlight” or expected to perform better due to a fear that visitation or custody decisions

could be challenged because of their sexual orientation. 

     Second, gay dads seem to incorporate a greater degree and combination of expressive role functions that more

traditional straight dads do not.  Expressive role functions are found more conventionally in the female mothering role, whereas straight traditional dads usually are less nurturant

toward children.  It has been suggested that straight dads adopt this as their thinking as their parenting style while gay dads seem to demonstrate a blending of the qualities

traditionally associated with both the mother and father roles.

Sometimes the process begins with an awakening as he slowly begins to face that which he may have not fully known. Others were aware of their sexual orientation but for various reasons chose to marry (often with their wives fully knowing the facts of the husband’s orientation). It has been our experience that for many of these married men, there was some type of religious background which caused them to feel “broken” and “damaged”. It is not uncommon to hear stories of men with such religious backgrounds who have gone to counseling or various groups for years on end, hoping to get “fixed” or “healed”. For others, as they began the process of soul searching which many face in middle age, they are forced to confront the truth of their sexual attractions. They realize that to be authentic human beings, they must face that which has caused them to retreat to the corners of their souls.

Q & A - ABOUT BEING GAY & MARRIED

1. Why do I have gay feelings?

Nobody knows why some people are sexually oriented towards members of their own sex.  Certainly there have been many attempts made at various times in history to punish homosexual behavior and, more recently, to use psychological treatments to try to change sexual orientation.  These attempts have not been successful.  It seems that sexual preference is a permanent part of a person's psychological and physical make-up.  The more dominant and the longer lasting or enduring our sexual feelings are, the more likely it is that those feelings will stay with us.

Most men who are gay and have been married went through periods of trying to suppress their gay feelings.  The stronger and more long-lasting the gay feelings are, the less likely it is that this suppression will be successful.  As well, many men have found that when they have tried to suppress the feelings, they became emotionally or even physically ill.


2. How many of us are there?

Many men have sex with other men.  It is estimated that about one man in three men (33%) will have sex to orgasm with another man at least once in his life.  Much of this behavior is simply experimental and most of these men are primarily oriented towards heterosexual sex.  However, maybe 3% to 5% of the male population shows a lifelong preference towards same-sex sexual partners and might call them gay.  Social researchers suggest that about 20% of men who now say they are gay were at one time in a primary heterosexual relationship.


3. How do I know if I am gay?

About 1% of married men have sex with other men at some time during their marriage.  Many men who have sex with both men and women are comfortable defining themselves as bisexual and continuing in their primary heterosexual relationship.  For many others, though, there is an increasing recognition that their primary sexual attraction is to other men and they choose to define themselves as gay.


4. I just like having sex with men sometimes.  Why worry about it?

For many men, having occasional sex with other men is sufficient to satisfy their homosexual feelings.  For many others, though, the feelings are stronger and the occasional sexual contact ceases to be satisfying.  At this point, many men find it necessary to find additional ways to express their sexuality.  Making social contact with other gay men is one common way of doing this.

Regardless of the strength of homosexual feelings, continuing to have sex with multiple partners without the knowledge of a spouse, presents considerable risks, both for HIV infection and emotional harm in the relationship.


5. What should I tell my children?

Again, there is no easy or straightforward answer to this question.  However, the experience of many gay fathers suggests that the most fundamental guidelines are:

• it is better discuss the issue with children before they learn of it from other sources, such as overhearing arguments with a spouse or from friends; and
• as with sex education generally, children are never too young to be given information in a form which they can understand and is appropriate for their age.

It is very important that you come to accept your own homosexuality before disclosing it to your children.  If you are ashamed and not accepting of yourself then it is likely that your children will also react negatively.

Disclosing homosexual feelings to your children is one of the most difficult experiences that a married gay man can have.  Most men expect they will lose the love and respect of their children.  Although there are exceptions, that is rarely the case.  Children are not necessarily delighted, and may not approve, but many men report an eventual improvement in their relationship with their children as it become based on greater honesty and openness.


6. Should I stay married?

There is no right answer to this question.  Men who leave their marriage frequently report feeling emotionally liberated and at last able to be whom they really are.  It is difficult to convey the joy that many men experience when they can finally accept their homosexual feelings.  However, it is also obvious that leaving a marriage carries with it much emotional pain and distress to every member of the family, as well as social and financial disruption.

Many men find that the costs of leaving the marriage are too great and they feel that pursuing their gay feelings is ultimately a selfish act.  However many also find that, as time goes by, their gay feelings get stronger rather than weaker, and the urge to engage in sexual contact with other men increasingly difficult to resist.  The pressure that sexual contact with others places on the relationship frequently becomes overwhelming.  Marriages often break up later rather than sooner, and the costs of those break-ups are frequently greater for having been delayed.


7. What do I do now?

What you do now is a decision only you can make.  Many married gay men find that their sense of psychological well being increases the more open and honest they become about their homosexual feelings.  Each of us has to make the choice that appears right for us at a particular time in our life.

You should remember that:

• married gay men often find it difficult to identify their true feelings
• homosexual feelings rarely go away
• the later in a marriage a break-up occurs, the more costly, in both emotional and financial terms it is likely to be. 


8. What about seeing a counselor or therapist?

Many people grow up thinking that their homosexual feelings are wrong or bad.  We're surrounded by messages that heterosexuality is normal and homosexuality is abnormal.  Hence many people who have homosexual feeling grow up devaluing or suppressing these feelings.  Because some of us learn to deny our sexual feelings, often we also find it hard to recognize and value other feelings.  Many married gay men find that they spend a lot of their life in a sort of emotional limbo, not understanding their feelings and not being able to use their emotions to help guide their behavior.

If you have learned to devalue or dislike the homosexual part of yourself, and find it hard to know what your feelings really are, then seeing a therapist or counselor can help.  It is important, though, that the counselor or therapist you see, also values the homosexual part of you.