Between Us

When you see me holding my baby, I’m not spoiling him.

I’m showing him love.

When I pick him up just before he starts crying, I’m not spoiling him.

I’m anticipating his needs.

When you notice that I’m always carrying him close, I’m not spoiling him.

I’m providing him security.

When I feed him on demand, I’m not spoiling him.

I’m giving him nourishment.

When you notice that he wants to be held when I’m around, I’m not spoiling him.

I’m being his mom.

Last night I had a HUGE emotional momma’s moment.

Alyssa didn’t go to daycare until she was a year and a half and until that point she always had mommy or daddy at home with her (or at least another family member) that could show her one on one attention, to answer her every beck and call. Carter doesn’t get this opportunity….it eats away at my heart to see him online at the daycare and not be able to pick him up right away if I think he’s crying, or just hold him and snuggle til he dozes off to sleep. Instead, he learns to self-soothe for the most part. The ladies there are super sweet and adore him, but the reality is such that they often cannot pick him up as soon as he starts to even whimper. If another baby is screaming, the worker won’t always be able to just sit and snuggle with him til he falls asleep. He’s not held all day long either, which I know isn’t horrible, but sometimes that’s all he needs. I LOVE that I can at the very least pick him up at lunch and LOVE on him, snuggle him, feed him, just hold him. But I hate that I have to bring him back until I get off work. So, when the family gets home, I want this for him….I don’t want to just put him down in a swing because he’ll sit there and be content. I want him to see momma and daddy and sister and KNOW that we love him, will give him all that he needs and then some. I want his every need to be met and anticipated. I want him to get all that we have just as we gave Alyssa. I cried as I explained all this to Alyssa last night who was frustrated because I asked her to hold Carter and talk/play with him for a few minutes while I finished dinner. (She was trying to watch tv and didn’t want to just sit and hold him). Needless to say, we both cried. I’m sad that I know he’s awake for hours at daycare and I miss it…we’re not there to talk to him, to see and appreciate his smiles and coos. God knows this breaks my heart!!!!!!!!!!

I know it could be worse….I am grateful to know that I can be so close and see him online. I am thankful that we can afford (even though it’s a stretch) to put him in a clean and safe environment. I am grateful that God trusted me enough to be his mom knowing that I wouldn’t be able to stay home and have to go back to work. God Loves Me enough, yet my heart breaks in my moments of being a “working mom.”

Also - if you have time, check out my inspirations tab.  It's been updated as well.