Between Us

DAYCARE SUCKS

I’m sorry for the loud entrance to this post, but it’s so true, especially for a mom who just wants to make sure her baby is LOVED and knows it.

Carter is enrolled in a GREAT daycare; they are one of the best in Jacksonville, yet still relatively affordable. Naturally I did my research; I asked all the right questions and got all the right answers. So why is it that I have still been unable to LOVE the daycare I enrolled him in?

Call it mother’s intuition, that little unnerving voice that pulls on your heart strings and rings in your head telling you something is not quite right. I’ve had my concerns, not that he’s in any danger or that they’re hurting him, but mostly that he’s simply not being given the attention he needs. Maybe you can follow - He sleeps on his stomach at home (I KNOW – against what the world says is ok, but after the 1st 2 weeks of him not sleeping much, he finally would sleep on his tummy so we stuck with it), at daycare he has to be on his back. He has since (and really only in the past 2 weeks) developed a bald spot on the back of his head that this week turned into a line from where he rubs his head back and forth while in the crib. His hair has been seriously falling out…it’s really sad. But more unnerving is that I suspected they were leaving him in his crib longer than they’re supposed to and even when he wasn’t sleeping. YESTERDAY, I finally had proof (thanks to internet technology). SO here’s the breakdown:

He slept for me from 0720-0800, I left him at daycare at 0810 – he was happy.

0830-0900, they placed him in his crib. WHY? He wasn’t sleeping.

They got him up at 0900 to feed him, placed him in a swing afterwards about 0915-0930ish. THEN back in his crib at 0935. WHY? (I know his schedule, I keep strict track of his schedules on days I get to be home with him because I want to know for sure)

I watched video from 0940-1040 as he lay in his crib obviously not sleeping, obviously not happy, and as at least 4 times a teacher had to go to his crib to offer a pacifier, wrap him in his blanket, reposition him, whatever to try to get him to sleep! Why would he be left in there for over an hour like that – I know that for most of that he was probably crying. So I called….I could hear him screaming in the background. TWO teachers could not explain to me why he was in there if he wasn’t sleeping, and one tried to tell me he was just waking up – to which I interrupted her and said I’ve been watching and know he hasn’t been. Long conversation short, I demanded my child be picked up and taken out of the crib and NOT placed back in it unless he was already sleeping or until I got there at lunch to pick him up!

At lunch, I further addressed my concerns, they knew I was pissed and they were wrong so they didn’t even offer an excuse….I further explained that it was unacceptable and that under NO circumstances is he to be left in his crib for a period longer than 5-10 minutes if he is NOT sleeping. I certainly hope they understand I’m not playing. I’m giving them the chance to fix the issue before I take my concerns to the director…but that will be the next step should I find this happen again.

So, this working mother was terribly upset and still am. The teacher was super chatty and nice this morning – I hope she knows how serious I was with my request yesterday. I know it’s hard to care for LOTS of infants all day long, I’m sure it gets tiring and teachers need a break – I GET IT. BUT, I pay a lot of money to ensure he receives the best care possible while I have no choice but to work…this is what they are paid to do. I’d love for them to like me; I’m ok if they don’t. I’d love to like them…It’s not ok that I don’t. Something has to change.

Sorry for the LONG VENT…just had to get it out. I’m sure you all understand.

When you see me holding my baby, I’m not spoiling him.

I’m showing him love.

When I pick him up just before he starts crying, I’m not spoiling him.

I’m anticipating his needs.

When you notice that I’m always carrying him close, I’m not spoiling him.

I’m providing him security.

When I feed him on demand, I’m not spoiling him.

I’m giving him nourishment.

When you notice that he wants to be held when I’m around, I’m not spoiling him.

I’m being his mom.

Last night I had a HUGE emotional momma’s moment.

Alyssa didn’t go to daycare until she was a year and a half and until that point she always had mommy or daddy at home with her (or at least another family member) that could show her one on one attention, to answer her every beck and call. Carter doesn’t get this opportunity….it eats away at my heart to see him online at the daycare and not be able to pick him up right away if I think he’s crying, or just hold him and snuggle til he dozes off to sleep. Instead, he learns to self-soothe for the most part. The ladies there are super sweet and adore him, but the reality is such that they often cannot pick him up as soon as he starts to even whimper. If another baby is screaming, the worker won’t always be able to just sit and snuggle with him til he falls asleep. He’s not held all day long either, which I know isn’t horrible, but sometimes that’s all he needs. I LOVE that I can at the very least pick him up at lunch and LOVE on him, snuggle him, feed him, just hold him. But I hate that I have to bring him back until I get off work. So, when the family gets home, I want this for him….I don’t want to just put him down in a swing because he’ll sit there and be content. I want him to see momma and daddy and sister and KNOW that we love him, will give him all that he needs and then some. I want his every need to be met and anticipated. I want him to get all that we have just as we gave Alyssa. I cried as I explained all this to Alyssa last night who was frustrated because I asked her to hold Carter and talk/play with him for a few minutes while I finished dinner. (She was trying to watch tv and didn’t want to just sit and hold him). Needless to say, we both cried. I’m sad that I know he’s awake for hours at daycare and I miss it…we’re not there to talk to him, to see and appreciate his smiles and coos. God knows this breaks my heart!!!!!!!!!!

I know it could be worse….I am grateful to know that I can be so close and see him online. I am thankful that we can afford (even though it’s a stretch) to put him in a clean and safe environment. I am grateful that God trusted me enough to be his mom knowing that I wouldn’t be able to stay home and have to go back to work. God Loves Me enough, yet my heart breaks in my moments of being a “working mom.”

Also - if you have time, check out my inspirations tab.  It's been updated as well.

I can not believe that it's been since February since I posted on here or even updated anything.  Obviously,  a lot has happened.  The pregnancy took it's toll on me as far as sickness was concerned in the 1st trimester and half way into the 2nd.  The 3rd trimester brought on new things like Gestational Diabetes and a new special diet to attend to and wierd swelling in my feet, but thankfully very limited weight gain.

Carter Huggins was born August 24th, 2010 at 418am via c-section.  The scheduled induction had not gone as desired and Carter got a bit stuck in there, literally.  But he arrived safely and was as cute as can be.

As a result of being cut open, I was blessed with the ability to be home with him for almost 9weeks, two whole months and I grudgingly go back to work on monday, october 25th.

He definitely keeps me busy and my arms full as he constantly wants to be held and in close contact.  It doesn't make for very productive days, but he fills my heart.  (He's sleeping in my arms as I type.)

I am still in disbelief at times that I actually have a newborn AND a soon to be 10year old!  Alyssa will be 10 next week on the 28th.

As far as spiritually, I have admittedly been in a sad, dry season....one that I am slowly inching my way out of.  I have been truly blessed and only recently released with the desire to finally open up and start writing again.  Prayerfully, you all will get updates more often.

Check out the pictures, there is a new album with Carter's newborn/hospital pics.  As soon as I can put him down - ha ha ha ha - I'll update some more recent ones.

It's obviously been a couple of months since I've posted anything on here...for those of you who actually keep up with this site, I apologize.  I promise that I will soon get back into the flow.

As promised, I officially became a Fall 2009 Graduate on December 20th.  I have officially received my Bachelor's Degree in Psychology in the mail a few weeks ago!  So cool!  Once would expect that I'd have been able to stay caught up on here with all the free time, but unfortnately, a special sickness has kept me away.

That's right, I am expecting again..... we are officially 13 1/2 weeks into our pregnancy and have an estimated due date of 08/29.  All seems to be going well, definitely MANY more symptoms than I had last year, and honestly, they've taken a lot out of me.  I haven't been on the computer much more than I have to be since it has some how decided to make me nauseas!  It's crazy - and I think I am too.  We were hoping to find out what we're having the end of march, but after the dr appt this past wednesday, we may not know until sometime the end of April.  

So.....Alyssa's doing great in school and is finishing up her 2nd season of basketball this weekend.  She's really getting so much better....I'm secretly hoping we can keep her going in the sport and get her a scholarship for college - oh yeah!

Will's still hanging out at Blockbuster - which is sinking.  He's also still working on pursuing the Army.  He has another recruiter that's been a quite helpful and encouraging and so while I don't yet know what to think about it all, for Will's sake, I hope things turn out the way he'd like them to. 

On a side/spiritual note - I miss all the reading I was doing, all the cool revelations I was getting and sharing on here.  I have noticed that since I stopped serving in the Children's ministry at church, I have never felt so disconnected to the people there, to God, and even my family.  School had overtaken all of my energy, time, and devotion....and has left me spriritually dry.  I'm ready to feel fullfilled again, a good strong dose of Jesus is definitely what I need. 

I tried to update the inspirations tab, but it's giving me an error.....so, for now, I'll share the verse that is on my heart today:

Proverbs 31:11-12 (Amplified Bible)

11The heart of her husband trusts in her confidently and relies on and believes in her securely, so that he has no lack of [honest] gain or need of [dishonest] spoil.

12She comforts, encourages, and does him only good as long as there is life within her.

I can't begin to tell you why this is so heavy, but I know that it's a scripture that I couldn't honestly say I've walked out much in my life lately.  I could blame the hormones (and well, they are partially to blame), but realistically and honestly, I've been lazy, tired, and sick.  So, I end this update with a prayer:

Father, Forgive me...forgive me for not prioritizing my time with You and with Will.  May today bring a new light, a new truth, and a new focus into my heart.  May my priorities fall into place as they should be and as we prepare to increase our family, Lord increase my heart and it's ability to simply walk out my call to Love!  In Jesus Name, Amen

I know again…the story of my life…that it’s been awhile since I updated the website. As you’ve heard before, I’ll say again, I’ve been busy….doing what you ask, well let’s see….

SCHOOL – as if that’s a surprise to any of you, :wink:but I am almost done. I’m in the home stretch and simply can’t wait for December 20th! That is the last day to complete assignments and turn them. I will wake up on the 21st so very relieved!!!

I have a new sister-in-law.  Will's middle brother, Andy, has finally said "I do" to a beautiful girl, Meagan!  She already has been a great addition to the family!

Alyssa and I just completed our Girls on the Run 5k and we both had fun…although she finished before me and well, I was really sore after and she wasn’t, but we won’t mention that! 12 long weeks of lessons, crazy work schedules, lack of sleep, all led to one great moment….finishing with (well, sort of with) my precious Alyssa! It was ALL WORTH IT!

I have to admit that there is a part of me that’s a little shocked by how “merry” I am this holiday season. It’s been a tough year in so many ways, YET I am happier this season than in years prior! It could be that the 20th is really close to Christmas and I’m really excited about that, but I think it’s just that God has answered some really hard prayers for me. HE has replaced hurts, fears, and worries, with simply joy and peace!

I’m sure that at least one of you can relate, but over the past few months, I have found it really difficult to pray – not for others – but for myself…to pray and really believe that God will answer MY prayers. Don’t get me wrong, I completely believe in the power of prayer, wholeheartedly! But, isn’t easier to believe that God will work miracles in other people’s lives, but not your own?

I’m still healing from our loss this summer, BUT God is good and faithful! (No, we’re not expecting again – not that we know of anyway.) But to look over the past 6 months and to see not only where I’ve been, in the depths of hurt, but also to see the joy that lies ahead. I don’t cry as much, I’m not questioning why, I’m not even angry! I’ve moved on, God has healed the loss and I am forever grateful. I am however (I have to admit) that I have been slightly jealous – ok, maybe more than slightly- with all the beautiful pregnant bellies around me. So many close friends who have found out they were expecting after my loss are now showing more than ever…they’re beautiful. And until today, I’ve been jealous! They have all been a reminder of where I “should” be, of what I “should” look like now. After all, my due date is right around the corner, too!

So why am I better today? My God is good and has answered even the deepest cries of my heart. Through the pain and jealousy, all I’ve wanted was to be genuinely happy for each and every one of them. Today, I received news that another person is expecting and for the first time, I smiled…for the first time, I didn’t struggle to say congratulations and mean it. For the first time, I have HOPE and JOY and PEACE in my heart again! I am grateful!

Because there’s a few of you who are expecting a precious bundle of joy reading this, please accept my apologies for just now really becoming excited for you! I love you and have been praying for you (I really have been) and am so happy to have you in my life! It is this very moment that I have been struggling to reach for quite awhile and I am celebrating it today!

Ok, this has turned out to be longer than I wanted and so for those of you still reading, I didn’t mean for this to be so long or to even sound a little sad! This CHRISTMAS season is going to be amazing and is already off to a great start! I have much to be thankful for and am literally counting my blessings and you’re all included!

To all who may have been logging in to check on me for any updates, please forgive me for a delay.  As I'm sure you can understand, I needed some time away...and I'm sure you appreciate not receiving any depressing updates as well. 

Anyway, I was going to post this as a short hello, but I suppose it wouldn't be too short and well, the page isn't working for updates at the moment.  So, without further adue...(sp?)

Will is no longer pursuing the Army...or should I say - they are no longer pursuing him.  Kind of hugely bittersweet as their reason for declining is STUPID....sorry, but that's all there is to say about that!  Not sure what his next step is going to be, but I pray that God is totally guiding his steps and writing new dreams in his heart. 

Alyssa and I have been participating in Girls on the Run.  I am coaching a group of 9 girls, including Alyssa, twice a week from September through December in life lessons that apply to girls and growing up, along with training them to be able to complete in a 5K race--3.1miles.  They are an outstanding group of girls and I am loving every moment.  (well, getting up early and rearranging my schedule has proven to be quite tiring, but worth it.)

I am currently enrolled and completing my VERY LAST CLASS!!!!! Praise Jesus....it is by His strength that I will make it through. Physiological (Biological) Psychology is the class and well, not necessarily something I want to learn, but it has to be done.  December 20th is the last day of class and can't come soon enough!!!  The commencement ceremony won't be until the spring, but truth be told, I just want the paper and a celebration party at home.  (My school is in Virginia and well, that's quite far away and not sure who'd be able to be there with me.) 

As for me....compared to previous months, this month is the first time that I can say honestly that healing has been taking place.  God is good and has carried me through some very tough, dark, and difficult moments.  I am forever grateful for a dear friend who encouraged me to not just seek counseling, but to seek a divinely set prayer appt with Christian Healing Ministries.  I have released control over my future - lol...well, at least for now - and feel so much better knowing that God is in control, whether I let him be or not.  Staying busy has helped, between work, school, Girls, and home....all of it has helped.

My precious baby girl, Alyssa, has officially turned 9 YRS OLD.....not sure when she started to grow up, but wow.... She's such a beautiful girl and has a wonderful heart.  Now, if only we can get control over those already wacky emotions, we'll be on our way.  PLEASE PRAY FOR ME and WILL...Patience, we need patience. 

I realized that i have lots of pictures that I haven't posted lately so look for some soon! 

I leave you all with the lyrics to a song that has touched my heart in so many ways.  It's "He is with you," by Mandisa.....

There's a time to live

And a time to die

There's a time to laugh

And a time to cry

There's a time for war

And a time for peace

There's a hand to hold

In the worst of these

He is with you when your faith is dead

And you can't even get out of bed

Or your husband doesn't kiss you anymore

He is with you when your baby's gone

And your house is still,

And your hearts a stone

Cryin' God, what'd You do that for

He is with you

There's a time for yes

And a time for no

There's a time to be angry

And a time to let it go

There is a time to run

And a time to face it

There is love to see you

Through all of this

He is with you in the conference room

When the world is coming down on you

And your wife and kids don't know you anymore

He is with you in the ICU

When the doctors don't know what to do

And it scares you to the core

He is with you

We may weep for a time

But joy will come in the morning

The morning light

He is with you when your kids are grown

When there's too much space

And you feel alone

And you're worried if you

got it right or wrong

Yes He is with you

when you've given up on ever finding your true love

Someone who feels like home

He is with you

When nothing else is left

And you take your final breath

He is with you

I am thankful everyday for so many people who have held my hand, wiped my tears, answered my call and texts for help, and generally gave me a reason to smile through it all.  But mostly, I am so thankful for the Faith that has carried me through in the Strength of the God who is the only one who can truly heal me.  I don't know how anyone without faith in God can walk through some of the hardest trials in life and still be standing. 

Sitting in Silence

Sitting in silence is where you’ll find me…

Overwhelming thoughts circulating in my head.

The tapes that just keep rewinding,

Leaving little room for much else to be said.

My heart stops just before it breaks…

Picking up the pieces of what’s left,

Gluing them back together with my Faith in the One

Who promises to heal me.

Sitting in silence is where you’ll find me…

Concentrating on breathing,

Reminding myself to go on living,

Telling myself to remember to smile, to laugh and get up.

I don’t like the new me that I’ve become,

No longer wanting to be left alone.

The broken pieces of my heart fall again and surround me,

I return to my Faith in the One who promises to heal me.

Sitting in silence is where you’ll find me…

Day after day, month after month passes,

Viewing the new me though different glasses.

Trying to come into focus,

What do I see?

Sadly, broken, overwhelming Me!

Sitting in silence is where you’ll find me…

Relying on the One who promised to heal me!

I promise that I am doing really well on most days.  I do wonder how long the grieving process will continue, although I'm pretty sure that a small part of me will be broken for some years to come. 

As most of you know, October 15th is my and Will’s anniversary…This year we will celebrate 4 years of marriage and so much more. However, this year we will not only celebrate our wedding anniversary, but will also honor this day, October 15th along with so many other women and families the “Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day - A day of remembrance for all babies who have died to soon, from early pregnancy loss or thru infant death.” As we are still healing and grieving from our loss on June 12th, we’d love for all of you to join us in not just this day of remembrance, but also in participating with us in the Walk to Remember on Sunday, October 11th at 2pm. The walk will begin at Friendship Fountain off prudential drive. Once I get more details, I will happily forward them on to all who are willing and interested in walking alongside my family. If you are reading this and do not live in the state of Florida , you can go to the website for information on walks and activities in your state to participate in: http://www.october15th.com/activities_walks.htm

I know that there are some people who think that it’s time to move on and not dwell on this any longer, but I can’t. 3 months, 3 years or 30….I just can’t forget the loss; I can’t forget the life that was growing inside. And for the sake of so many other women, some who have suffered through multiple miscarriages, the support for everyone should be so much more readily available AND offered. I choose to remember.

Thank you all for supporting us and acknowledging the loss that we suffered through this year. On the Throne of heaven, our God is still good and I know that our little Angel is happily cradled in the arms of Jesus!

(Some of you reading this may not have experienced a loss, but may know someone who has and I really encourage you to share this with that special person.)

Sending much love to you all.

The Loss of a Dream

Where does your heart go after the loss of a dream?

When dreams change, you change with them…

When they’re taken, what do you do?

Stolen in the darkest of places,

From a place that should’ve provided protection.

My dreams of conception had finally come true.

To end in an instant, no warning in sight,

My dream was gone, stolen before night.

The shattered pieces of my heart around me,

Empty arms and nothing to hold.

Two months have passed,

And still I can’t see.

Where does my heart go after the loss of a dream?

Today's been a tough day for me and I don't really know why..unaware of what has triggered a day of grieving and more healing.  Struggling with the thoughts of the lost dream, the baby I once had growing inside me only to be gone before I ever met him. 

Having had lots of really good days in between, I also struggle with how these sad ones still decide to show up when I least expect them.  Contrary to the sadness that still lurks around, I'm getting better each and every day, trying to figure out how to carry on - healing has begun for the loss of my dream. Praying and praying for strength every day.

I’ve been struggling greatly with anxiety lately and anyone out there who’s ever experienced it can understand how simply suffocating it can be and how difficult it is to hear through the muffle of worries. It’s like a static that won’t clear. My heart has been heavy and emotionally, I’ve been drained…..the in between stage (the fuzzy picture) where we see the light, the picture, but can’t fully make it out, “what is it?” It’s God calling me out of the funk! He’s got something greater and grander, bigger and better….but what is it? It’s HIM. He is our source of comfort, our knight in shining armor, our shield and our protector, the one who birthed us into existence and cradles our cares and worries in His arms.

Seeking my way out of the emotional roller coaster of the past couple of months has been a difficult journey. I’ve been praying, journaling, reading, crying, and repenting, over and over and over again – continuing in a cycle of healing over the lose of MY hopes and MY dreams. Wanting soooo badly to see the big picture…how was my loss to be used for good, how were my shattered dreams going to be used by God? While, I still don’t know, I push through the static, continuing to adjust the picture on the screen in my mind, and all I see is God’s arms waiting for me…for me to reach out to Him in return.

So, what am I waiting for? I see Him, yet, I stand here staring, hesitating…WHY? Is it the anxiety provoked by not knowing what to expect? Is it the good and bad from my past that continues to circulate in my mind, reminding me of all the things that I struggled with that led me to this moment in my life? Is it the feeling of being unworthy? Is it a problem in seeing God as I see my earthly father?

I feel it in my soul, the moment is near – the time to stop stalling – the time to stop saying “yes…no...Yes…no…yes…maybe.” God, I pray and beg that you reach out to me further, grab hold of me Father so that I can’t pull away anymore in fear of being vulnerable. I know that I need you; I know that it is you that my heart longs for! It’s the safety of your arms, God, that I have sought after all these years…I cast my cares upon you and in you I trust my heart…for in your arms, I know it’s safe. In Jesus Name, Amen.

I still don’t know why or how He’ll use my loss to Glorify Him or if how I’ve handled it has done a great job. But it is my prayer to step over the line of fear, to allow my heart to trust so deeply in Him that it will seek no other comfort than His.