Between Us

Ok, so I suppose that it’s time to follow up on my last blog post. I am sure that it caught MANY of you off guard and maybe even stopped you from chatting with me sooner. I’m sorry. It really was just an outlet for me to get out to so much to so many that was boiling within. Please know that it’s still safe to talk to me….I am ok. (Really!)

Still empty, still healing and grieving, but each day does get better. My heart still hearts, but I still trust that God knows what he is doing. Selfishly, I wanted that baby, but he belonged to God and God alone. This experience has been one of my greatest fears come true and for someone with insecurities and trouble allowing myself to be vulnerable; it’s been especially tempting to lose to the fear of it happening again.

I’m obviously in a season of trusting, waiting patiently for God to show His plan to me. I know that we would not have lost the baby if not for some reason – if something was not wrong. I know that God does not make mistakes and that God works all things for the good of those who believe in Him. I trust Him!

But…. Did I mention that I am a terrible control freak? While I’m 100 times better than I ever used to be, but things seem to hit hardest in this area of my life. My greatest lessons are learnt when I stop trying to control God (like that could ever happen anyway). So, as I sit and wrestle with the thoughts floating through my head, my struggle is not why did this happen, it’s not why me, it’s not even any longer about “ruining MY plans,” it’s about will this happen again. Yep—the fear within comes floating back up. My heart pleads and begs, “Lord Please do not allow it to happen again.”

I recognize that the opposite of fear is faith and trust in God. So as the worries of my heart linger, I choose to remain steadfast in my search for ultimate faith and trust in the One who controls it all. I know that even if it happens again, God has not failed me – He is still on the Throne, yet by my side through it all!

Thanks to all of you who have walked with me, prayed with me and shared with me on this journey! I love you all!

Well, I'm not quite sure where to start, but I have a lot on my heart right now.  There haven't been many short hellos mostly because I've just forgotten to keep this site updated lately, but the past few weeks have been quite a roller coaster.  To some of you reading this, what I share will be of no surprise, but to others it will be.

On May 24th, Will and I found out that we were expecting....YES A REAL BABY. ( I know there's some out there that would have thought this day would never come, and to that I say "me too.") We were all very excited and Alyssa couldn't have been a more excited soon to be big sister.  Everything seemed to be going well, even to the 6 week check up on June 5th.  However, on June 9th we began a new season of life as the first signs of pregnancy loss showed it's UGLY head.  June 10th, the ultrasound did not show a 7 week old fetus either..,,,I was in fact pregnant and yet the outcome was not the one I was expecting.  Friday, June 12th, our precious little baby was called back home to his Creator in Heaven. 

Wednesday June 17th (which was supposed to be the big day where we finally get to see our little peanut and watching his heart beating) ended up being the day where the doctor's would in fact confirm the miscarriage and make sure everything else was ok.  After a week of hell, we couldn't wait for some sort of closure.  Unfortunately, it didn't turn out the way we expected....we wanted the all clear, but instead the doctor shared that there was what he suspects to be a benign (non-cancerous) tumor on my left ovary.  We still have a month before we get blood tests and another ultrasound (hoping that it will go away) but if not, then surgery is likely. 

YES, I am very much ok physically, but emotionally it's a struggle at times.  I'm not mad at God, I really haven't asked Why, but the anger and resentment and frustration still lingers!  While I very much had friends and family praying for me and with me through the worst of it all last week, I suffered alone - totally unprepared for what I was experiencing and had no clue what to do afterwards.  HOW DO YOU GO FROM BEING HAPPILY PREGNANT ONE DAY TO EMPTY AND BARREN THE NEXT (WITH NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT)?

To all of my friends and family members who have ever gone through this tragedy, I am genuinely sorry if I wasn't there for you when you needed someone to just be there.  To everyone who doesn't know what to say and so decides to say and do nothing at all, just be there - don't pull away!  A hug, a shoulder, a kind and gentle thought.  My heart is driven right now, likely out of pure emotion, but in compassion for every woman who has ever gone through what I went through feeling completely unprepared, left without resource and at times more alone that you wanted to be. 

I don't need to hear that it will all be ok, I know that it will!  I don't need to hear that there's a reason for everything, I know God doesn't make mistakes.  I definitely don't need to hear that i'm still young and fertile and can try again, that doesn't erase the lose that I've experienced.  And please, don't ask me how I'm doing unless you really want to know.  I simply don't have the generic, "I'm fine," within me to just put on my Christian happy face and pretend that nothing traumatic has happened recently.  YES, I am ok, Yes, I will be ok, Yes I am clinging to every ounce of hope and faith within me - and Yes, I know that I serve a good God whose ways are better than mine.

I very much want to try again and am determined not to allow the fear of possibility overcome my life, but for now, I must focus on the current issue at hand.  To those of you who successfully delivered a precious baby after experiencing a loss, God bless you and I hope God blesses me again with that chance.   

In the meantime, I am a proud mommy of an Angel in Heaven....a saint that i can't wait to meet one day.

Some of the resources I've found to be helpful:

www.october15th.com

http://www.rememberingourbabies.net/store/Default.asp

Thank God for the internet, but there's nothing better than face to face contact with someone who cares.

Stressing…Stressing….

I’m stressing myself out.

Why am I struggling to calm myself down?

Perfection, procrastination, frustration abounds…

I’m stressing myself out.

Disappointment, rejection, resentment, irritation…

Why am I struggling to calm myself down?

Breathing and breathing…

No air is releasing. Suffocating, frustrating…

I’m stressing myself out.

Lord, help me today…save me today…

Release me from myself.

I’m struggling, Lord, and stressing myself out.

In a daily email that I received this morning, I read the following:

Today, I had a “moment of sensitivity.”  A moment in time where worlds seemed to collide and the reality of the situation at hand brought me to tears.  As some important decisions are in the works for our family, God is teaching me to just stop! Stop trying to control everything – stop taking trusting in Him out of the situation. 

Sitting in rest and allowing the overall peace of the potential outcomes to pour over me, there always seems to be just one part that I can never seem to let go of…of course, that is until it’s literally ripped out of my hands and followed by a dear friend who pulls the veil up over my eyes and gently whispers the reinforcing words of the God who said it first, “It’s not about you, Gail.” 

Control has been a driving ISSUE in my life ever since I was able to “attempt” controlling the outcome of everything that involved me. Me me me…I’m sure I’m not the only one that these words sound familiar to.  While the song of “what about me” plays in my head (and I chuckle at the sound of hearing Joyce Meyer say it), it has grown to be a much smaller part of me.  I was doing so well in this process that I was shocking myself. So dim the sound that I hadn’t noticed the song singing in the background.

Today, having been humbled once again, I give the control back to the ONE who owns it.  And as I sit here choosing to consider only the here and now, what to do about today, I will take the loving whispers, the freight train of humility, and restful peace that our God holds in his hands. 

Proverbs 3:4-6 (NIV)

 

4 Then you will win favor and a good name
       in the sight of God and man.

I've been wanting to write and post about something that I read in the book, "Breaking Free," by Beth Moore.  The words are poetic, strong, and true... I want to share the words of Isaiah 61:1-4 and then my  thoughts.

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,

     because the LORD has anointed me

     to preach good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

     to proclaim freedom for the captives

     and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor

     and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

     and provide for those who grieve in Zion -

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

     instead of ashes,

the oil of gladness

     instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

     instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

     a planting of the LORD

     for the display of his splendor.

They will rebuild the ancient ruins

     and restore the places long devastated for generations.

I read this scripture as I was also completing my course on counseling skills.  As a psychology major, I never anticpated, wanted, or even remotely desired to pursue counseling, therapy or anything close.  I have drug my feet all way to the start of this course only to find that I have been fighting against what God has called me to. The words of Isaiah 61:1-4 gave me cause to stop and wonder.  Did He really call me into counseling? He has.  Does He really want me to be the stereotypical "shrink" that just sits in an office to listen to people whine about what's wrong with their lives, not to really want to change?  No...Relieved, I thanked God.

HE has called me to be an extension of His heart.  Someone who can meet people on their level, speak to them as a child of Christ, and as the hands of God, help lift them up when they fall down and need mercy. Taken back by the overwhelming thought of such responsibility, but knowing that I can do all that God has called me to. 

Now four courses away from finally graduating with my bachelors in Psychology, with a strong foundation in Christian principles, I look forward to the doors that will open and the work that God has annointed me for.

Father, I lift up my arms in surrender to the calling you have placed before me. I pray your annointing overflow into the lives that surround me...as you continue to prepare me, Lord use me.  Break down the walls that build to protect me, keep me open to your Spirit and guidance all the days ahead.  In Jesus name, Amen!

These feelings inside…what can I do?

Overwhelmed…full of anxiety…

What can I do?

My mind wonders again and again…

Confusion amiss….what can I do?

These thoughts collide…

Heavy with stress and worries…

What can I do?

Anxiety building…

Negative thoughts are exploding…

What can I do?

Lost and running…around and around…

Overwhelmed…full of anxiety

What can I do?

Fear and worry are not of the Lord…

What can I do?

Take every thought captive

And make it obedient to Christ!

:-)

Can I just say that it can be terribly exhausting to take every thought captive, especially when it's happening ALL DAY LONG!

Someone sent these to me in a forwarded email and seeing how I LOVE and ADORE my dogs (and cats), I thought it appropriate to share with each of you. I dedicate this post to Rocky and Trinity, my darling boxer children!  (yes, they are my babies)

A Pet's 10 Commandments

1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation from you is likely to be painful. 

2. Give me time to understand what you want of me. 

3. Place your trust in me. It is crucial for my well-being.

4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, your entertainment, but I have only you. 

5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I do understand your voice when speaking to me.

6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget it.

7. Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I could hurt you, and yet, I choose not to bite you.

8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, I have been in the sun too long, or my heart might be getting old or weak.

9. Please take care of me when I grow old. You too, will grow old.

10.On the ultimate difficult journey, go with me please. Never say you can't bear to watch. Don't make me face this alone. Everything is easier for me if you are there, because I love you so.

        Take a moment today to thank God for your pets. Enjoy and
take good care of them. Life would be a much duller, less joyful experience
without God's critters.
 

For this week's question, it was a pretty easy guess as to the type of parent Jesus would be, but it's really not as easy as it sounds to copy His example. For Alyssa's sake, I thank God that He's a much better parent than I am because she still loves me so much no matter how much I mess up. 

If Jesus were a parent, would he be permissive, authoritarian, or authoritative with a teenager and why?

There?s no doubt in my mind that Jesus would be an authoritative parent.  He?s most certainly not the parent to just let a teenager get away with anything and would also not be the type to dominate the teen either.  Jesus would allow adjustments in His expectations due to his child?s ?capacity to take responsibility for their own behavior.? (Berk, 2007, p. 391)  Our text shares that, ? warmth, open discussion, firmness, and monitoring of the adolescents? whereabouts and activities  make young people feel cared about and valued, encourage reflective thinking and self-regulation?? (Berk, 2007, p.391)  I believe that Jesus would value those things as well.

We are given many examples in God?s word of what parenting looks like.  As our heavenly Father, we could simply look at how He parents us.   While the dynamics of what a warm discussion would be like are obviously different, we know God loves us and cares about us no matter how much we mess up.  We can talk to Him anytime and without fear of condemnation.  He speaks to our spirits firmly reminding us of the right decisions to make.  We?re given free-will, the choice to self-regulate and choose right from wrong.  All the while, He sits on His throne monitoring our every move, listening to our thoughts, waiting for just the right moment that we?ll be open to hear from Him and to receive his loving discipline and guidance.

Berk, L.E. (2007) Development through the lifespan. (4 Ed). Boston, MA: Pearson Education, Inc.

In continuation of the last post....below is what I wrote for this one.  I'll tell you that to consider Jesus as a parent, really makes one re-evaluate oneself as a parent also.  Thank God for forgiveness, thank God for mercy and grace, and I thank God daily for such a wonderful gift - Alyssa.