I wrote this a few years back for my brother’s 40th birthday. I bought him a joke gift called Dr. Duffer’s Invigorating Tonic for the Elderly or something like that. I mailed it to him empty with this message. Hope you find it funny.
40th Birthday Gift
I feel such despair, so greatly distressed
that my present to you is such an awful mess.
I went to the post office to send it by mail.
I thought they could deliver it come rain or hail.
I wanted to have it sent first class,
But they said they won’t deliver wacky water in glass.
They said to deliver liquid was too much of a pain
and that I should go home and pour it down the drain.
Wait, that’s not so.
On the day of your birth I can not lie
When I saw its claims I knew I had to try
The amazing concoction that was found inside
So, now with my pride set aside
The truth I will reveal.
I tried to hold off, but couldn’t resist,
all the while knowing you might get pissed.
I have the need to admit,
I started drinking a bit.
The results were amazing, incredible it seems,
I suddenly became tall, strong and lean.
I found that I liked the results so much
that I couldn’t get by with only a touch.
Upon drinking a portion more
I found myself pacing the floor.
It was fortifying, bracing and invigorating, too.
Then, suddenly remembered t’was meant for you.
Oh! Guilt and shame like I’ve never felt
When I realized I wanted another belt.
To shorten a story that may be too long,
the elixir to my body does now belong.
My drinking it all may not seem fair,
but though I finished the tonic,
I thought it was quite ironic
that I still had to color my hair.
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