One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
Joke #2:
Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door. They undressed and got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and ...."
The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The father came home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him. "But why?" croaked the husband.
"Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy what you've just told me."
"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob."
Joke #3:
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Joke #4:
Three men were on a deserted island and wanted to get back. Then a genies bottle washed up on the shore so they of course rubbed it, then the genie appeared.
The first man wished that he was back home with his wife and family, and suddenly he was back home with his wife and family.
Then the second man also wanted to be home with his wife and his family, and suddenly he was also back home with his wife and family.
Then the third man said "Oh I'm lonely now i wish my mates were back here".
And suddenly they were all back on the island!
Joke #5:
A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
Joke #6:
A blonde girl walks into the Salon wearing a pair of headphones and asks for a haircut. The hair stylist looks and says, "You'll need to take off the headphones first."
"If I take them off I'll die." The girl replies.
For a while the stylist struggles around the headphones but it's no use. Again she asks the girl to remove the headphones.
"If I take them off I'll die." The blonde responds again.
The stylist continues trying to cut around the headphones but she's getting really frustrated by now. She decides to take the headphones off for her, gently so the girl doesn't notice. As soon as the headphones are removed the blonde girl drops to the floor and dies.
The stylist can't believe it. Amazed, he picks up the headphones and holds them up to his ears, and listens: "breath in....breath out....breath in...."
Joke #7:
A Panda walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a meal. When the meal finally arrives, he eats it quickly, then shoots a drunk, and leaves the bar.
A patron walks over to the bartender and asks, "What was that all about?"
The bartender replies, "Look up 'panda' in the dictionary, pal."
And so, the patron retrieves his Webster's dictionary from his coat pocket and looks up the word 'panda.'
"What's it say?" asks the bartender.
The patron replies with a grin, "Eats shoots and leaves."
