I know that a lot of women will get angry at me for posting this, these are my thoughts and I don't want to hurt anyone. This is just some pondering thoughts I have.
Victims or Volunteers
Why is it most women can't take the blame when things go wrong in a relationship?
Why do most women tend to make it an all out war on men when they are dumped?
Do we really feel that men are all out to hurt us ?
Why do we make our girl friends paranoid about a new love because we have been hurt in the past?
Ok, stop shaking your heads, and don't click just yet, read on, please.
Are we really victims? can we really say in the darkness of our cold single beds that in our lives we have been victimized because the last love we had turned sour? I mean aren't there signs that things were going wrong that we didn't pay attention to, or we hoped would get better?
Is it fair to inflict your pain on another friend, because you were hurt and now you are bitter you hold it as being gospel so you make her paranoid?
Are we really victims or are we volunteers?
When a relationship goes south it doesn't mean that the person is bad or if things go wrong it doesn't mean he is a "dog" or "every man is like that" maybe it is that the two of you had blinders on and you knew from the beginning his shortcomings were going to be a problem yet you looked past them to see the beauty in that man, and that is what you paid for in the end.
We talk good games,
"I am a strong, independent woman who is looking for someone who can bring something to the table." "I am looking for someone who can be my equal as I am a complete person and I want him to be complete, also."
"I want someone who can be there for me mentally emotionally and physically because I can do bad by myself."
Yet, when we meet these men who are so-called all that we are looking for we tend to accept the things we will not condone, or will not tolerate over looking the mistakes of the past and the pain of the present.
We tend to forget that we still hold those pains in the back of our minds as lessons learned and we move forward forgetting that what we hide will haunt us in the end. How good a man is in bed, cannot make up for what he lacks mentally and emotionally.
I don't believe that "half a man is better than no man at all", I don't think that a dirty pair of pants in my house is better than no pants at all. I get saddened when I hear and see women who believe that there is no one out there for them so they "settle."
For the record, no one changes to be with you, no one is going to bring you happiness because you requested it but God. No one hurts you, until you allow it.
And in my book, no one is a victim unless they want to be.
Ok so you make a choice it has a bad outcome, big deal you get up, you brush yourself off, you go and buy some tear-jerking movies, you listen to some sad love songs, and you move on.
See, to me that is not a victim, that is a volunteer who let go of that lesson learned and moved on.
Now for the Victim:
You make it your life mission to make is life miserable (why, I don't know, I am sure the next man is around the corner)
You sit and you reminisce about the last time you and him did x y z (and everyone else has to relive it with you, again why I don't know)
You have to intercept every time he tries to move on (again.....why I don't know)
See these are signs that you are not ready to let him go.
If he stole your money, your ATM pin code, or lights and gas what ever. Ok let it be a lessoned learned.
If he slept with your best friend, neighbor, or your sister then he is not worth your anger or your tears.
If his wife called, knocked on your door, then he wasn't your man in the first place.
Ok, now that I have said that let me say this:
God is the master of your life, I have listened to women talk about finding their boaz and the man of their dreams...blah blah...yes I said blah (ha ha )
Here is how I feel about that:
We are at a crossroad in our lives, most of us have been hurt, abused, neglected, and some all of the above. We are conquerors in our own rite.
We set the standard for those young women who are looking up to us at this moment and if you think the young women in your family are not watching you pay attention. We were destined from birth to be great things in God's eyes, our mothers and grandmothers primed us to be strong, independent thinking women, whether you were taught to be submissive or not so be it. We were given a standard and many of us found it to be unsuccessful.
Yet we learned from our foremothers took what we learned and took our life lessons and added to them. What legacy are we giving our daughters, sisters, and the next generation as they watch us>
Are we victims or volunteers?
Do you allow our sons to us the "B" word to describe his female counterpart when he is discussing her? Yet we say no man is allowed to call me that word? Do you allow our male counterparts to use that word as a term of endearment and yet we say oh that is not cool?
Do we practice what we preach and live by what we teach or are we the founders of "do as I say, not as I do?"
So in essence we are not victims in our relationships when they go wrong...
I am not speaking of abusive relationships where you have to flee with court orders, or relationships that are over due to just parting of ways. I am speaking of those that end when you look up and realize this is not for you...or he has packed his things over the weekend while you were at mother's and left you a note on the kitchen table (yes, this does happen).
I am speaking of those relationships that were mix-matched from the beginning. The ones that you knew were wrong from day one but you found it exciting and very different and thought it "could" be yet it ended detrimentally.
Because you are waiting for Boaz....be careful not to fall for Bozo. God has a plan and you don't know it and every man who smiles at you is not your potential mate....ok now I am done.
WE ARE NOT VICTIMS WHEN WE SETTLE FOR LESS!!!!!!
That is the message I would love to paste on my shirt and wear everyday.
Be blessed my sistas....
Today's woman, Yesterday's girl, Tomorrow's icon this is who we are the women raised by mothers, and grandmothers to make a difference in this world.
We were the hope, the best, the creme of the crop. We were the difference between being a housewife and being a homemaker.
We were the ones who were raised to speak our minds eloquently, and raise our voices against injustice without losing our femininity.
We were taught we could have it all job, house, kids, husband and still make it all look easy.
Now, we have fallen prey to one thing that most of us tend to forget....Society.
We stopped believing in our past, we stopped investing in our future and we forget to embrace our present. We took our lessons from the kitchen table, and momma's hot comb sessions and turned them into something we cant even look at anymore.
We have put more emphasis on how society views us that we forgot what we were doing here. we forgot what our primary purpose in life was suppose to be. Most of all, we forgot about God.
We looked into the television and wanted what we saw. We looked at the next door neighbor's kids and all of a sudden our kids were not good enough. We looked at the men in a magazine and all of a sudden our husbands/mates were not man enough.
We began to look at what society had to offer us as far as being women, not black women just women.
We got the promotions, the high salaries and the glass ceiling was no longer a problem. Yet our children eat microwavable dinners, our men are starving for attention we have no clue as to how to give it. We say to ourselves that is the price we pay for success. A lie that has been passed on to us by a bunch of miserable people who lost everything to get a job they hate.
We need to go back to what was tried, true, and kitchen tested.
We bought into the notion that as long as this man got sex he was happy. As soon as it was over, he left you for a woman who could cook, clean and keep his attention long enough for her to give him a home not just a house filled with stuff.
We bought into the notion that our kids were satisfied as long as we could buy them the newest gadget and the designer clothes. Until one day you woke up and got the call ya daughter is at the hospital and the abortion went wrong, your son is in custody for pulling pranks. And yet we think it is just "growing pains" because society says all kids are going nuts. Yet you cant remember your child's teacher's name at open school night or why ya child hasnt been to class in three weeks.
Yet we want to blame society...does society live in your house?
Did society put a gun to your head and say do this or else?
I have yet to meet a person who says to me that society came and sat in their house and told them their kids needed to be dipped in gold and wear designer clothes to be loved.
material things doesnt equate to love, actually it is the opposite.
Children who have the designer clothers, and the flashy material things are the ones who are most likely neglected at home.
They don't have family dinners, or have a family game night. They eat cold dinners or take out, alone. They dont get to have an evening of mom's or dad's attention instead they hear things like:
"you live in a nice house, you have nice things and that should be enough."
"I worked all day to buy them games and that food, I did my part."
These are words said to children by the women who were designed and ordained to change the world.
Again, did we let down our foremothers?
hmmmm, I say yes!!!!!
We forgot what made our childhood special. It wasn't the material things, because most of us only got toys at christmas or birthdays.
It wasn't the whole gammit of men who momma paraded in the house or the showing us off daddy did when his new woman was around.
It was the time they spent with us, the days the family got together and had that special cook out, or going ot grandma's house for Sunday Dinner.
It was in the summer nights when you sat outside on the porch and sang songs and laughed at all the family jokes.
It was in the kitchen where we learned all we needed to know about life, men and living.
We have robbed our children of these times and replaced them with things.
Again, have we let down our foremothers?
Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We have let them down and we have been bamboozled into thinking it is ok to do it and yet we look at our children and wonder when did it all go wrong?
Again I say go back to what has been tried, true and kitchen tested.
Go back to a time when a man was allowed to be a man and not just a piece of security or anything else for that matter. Go back to a time when a woman was a woman in and out of her house, and held her head high no matter what was going on.
Go back to a pre-Oprah time (yes i said it!) When a woman was a woman of standards and substance without degrading a man.
Go back to a time when we didnt blame men for our bad choices, or our mishaps.
Go back to a time when ya came home from work, sat at the table and talked about the day's events with the family.
Go back to a time when you WALKED into your child's room and listened to them say their prayers.
Yes, We have let our foremother's down.
Now comes the time when we uplift our daughters and bring back what was tried true and kitchen tested. When you turn off the computer and the tv and you talk to your kids really talk to them.
LET'S TAKE SOCIETY OUT OF OUR HOMES AND PUT GOD BACK IN THEM.
BE BLESSED AND REMEMBER
THIS IS FROM SISTA TO SISTA
RESPECT AND DIGNITY.
