.jpg)
My name is Doreen Jeffries and this is my good friend Ethel Dyson. As we are not as young as we used to be (being 79 and 82 respectively), and getting out of the house is becoming a bit of a chore, we have to try our best to keep up with the outside world where possible. And so we write letters to dignitaries, celebrities and various organisations. As we are not quite as up to date with this electronic Royal Mail as the young people of today, we have to use the now old fashioned 'using real paper method'. It's ridiculous all of this computerised nonsense, you wouldn't have seen adverts for WinstonChurchill.com in the back of your ration book, and we still managed to win the war.
So, a little about ourselves.
This is Ethel. She is 82. She has triumphed over Margaret Hutchinson in the 'Victoria Sponge and Other Cakes with jam in' category at least 3 times since that particularly nasty incident at the Mothers' Union Summer Fete of 1943 which we don't wish to discuss. Ethel only has 6 fingers, having been involved in a very nasty stairlift accident a couple of years ago. Ethel has 8 children (Frank, Dorothy, Richard, Richard the 2nd, Timothy the 4th, Boris, Ethel the 8th, Chelsea, Madonna and Dwayne), all by different fathers (Ernest Walker, Gerald Simmonds, Charles Jessop, Harold Gaye, Jeffrey Hutchinson (but don't tell Margaret), a man known only as Herbert and one of the guest speakers at the Association of Regional Sewers and Embroiderers (A.R.S.E) annual general meeting in '53.
My name is Doreen. I am 21 (plus a bit). I specialise in lace making and speed knitting. My best friend is of course Ethel. We have lived togther since '57. We met through our husbands. It was quite a shock when we realised what they really did every Saturday afternoon in the shed. I have a wide variety of grandchildren, 2 of whom are currently serving the Queen at Strangeways and a few more who have set up some sort of garden centre in Colombia. They told me that they just grow grass, but I don't quite understand how there is such a large market for it there. One has recently been rewarded by the police for GBH (apparently an abbreviation that the police use to mean Good BeHaviour). I am very proud of them all.
And so to conclude, please get in touch. We are quite lonely just on our own (between you and me, I might be even more lonely by Easter, judging by what the Doctor said about Ethel last week). Our computer address is: ethelanddoreen@hotmail.com.
Many thanks and we look forward to hearing from you soon,
Yours Faithfully,
Doreen Jeffries (and Ethel Dyson)
