NOT WRITTEN BY ME. THIS WAS WRITTEN BY A woMAN I KNOW AS Alien Slof and I have her permission to put it here.

Journal of Sirilonwe / My Secret Shame

Ever since I allowed Basil Ieya-Sil to drink my blood, the pleasure of giving it has become more and more intense. I don’t think I could resist if I wanted to.

I sit here now, waiting upon his return, my mind filled with longing for him. I cannot help myself, I hate myself for it, but I simply must feel his touch upon me again – how he thrills every cell in my body when he is with me. I love him and hate him at the same time for what he is and what he has done to me. My brain knows he feels nought for me, yet my body craves him all the same.

I am helpless in the thrall of a vampire’s blood kiss, and there is nothing I can do to stop it; I am damned for sure. I write this in the hope that it will one day shed light upon the decision that I’m about to make…

******

My heart nearly leaps out of my chest at the sound of a door closing and a deep, well-spoken man’s voice – my Basil! Almost unconsciously, I touch the partly-healed wounds at my throat, small punctures made by his fangs as he feeds from me. I want him to do it again so much it hurts. He is evil, yet not without consideration and respect for those he enthralls. My body responds to the vampire’s presence, my blood races round, I feel warmer all of a sudden.

‘Hello again, Sirilonwe, my dear.’ There he is in the doorway to my rooms, tall and elegant, his eyes alight with that unearthly, golden glow, filled with hunger and desire. Common sense tells me to send him away, but I cannot, I am so gripped in his power. He breathes in deeply, his eyes closing – he doesn’t need to breathe as such, except when scenting the air. Air which is full of my own pheromones, so thick even I can smell them. He walks over to me and my whole body thrums in anticipation of the pleasures to come this night. ‘Ah, my sweet Sirilonwe, you are very turned on tonight. I could smell you the moment I stepped through the Guild door.’

He strokes my white-blonde hair tenderly with long fingers, brushing the strands off my face – my skin feels hot in comparison to his cold touch. I lean against his body, my head on his shoulder and sigh happily; I can feel something hard pressing against my belly. I am not the only one turned on by this.

‘Ahh, Basil…’ I sigh contentedly. ‘I have waited so long for you to return. Take me, Basil Ieya-Sil, take me now…’ My self-loathing is pushed aside as I surrender to the vampire’s touch, his hands exploring my body eagerly. I press against him, loving the feel of that hardness against my belly – it is good to know he desires me as much as I desire him.

‘Well, I am here now, my sweet altmer girl.’ he purrs softly into my ear in that wonderfully cultured, deep, otherworldly voice. No mortal could sound like he does, a voice like that can only issue from a dead throat. ‘Oh my, you are turned on indeed!’ He stands back and strokes the erection bulging out under his robe urgently, his expression one of total desire and sporting his familiar lop-sided smile. ‘As you have made me, see!’

I reach up and unfasten his robe, letting it fall to the floor, forgotten in my eagerness to see his body in this state of readiness. His physique is perfectly defined in sharp relief, the muscles rippling under his pale gold skin; again I am amazed at how alive he seems even though alive he is not. My fingers cannot resist touching…

He removes my own robe – like him, I have nothing else on under it – the Vivec Mages Guild is always comfortably warm. Leading me over to my bed, he gently pushes me down until I am lying there, so relaxed I can barely believe it of myself; here I am, in the presence of one of the world’s most evil individuals, and I’m relaxed. Lying down beside me, he cuddles me close and it is just wonderful. I lift a leg and entwine it around his back, opening the way for him, and groan with ecstasy as I feel him push his way into my body as we lay there, face to face. Ah, but he is so big, so hard inside me; how wonderful it feels to have this man in me once more.

‘So moist and ready as ever,’ he breathes, his eyes closed. ‘You are always so good to get into. Ahh, ahh, I love this.’ He is cool against my hot and flushed skin, I know the pounding of my blood must be driving him almost to distraction, I can feel his overwhelming hunger coursing through his body. He will feed from me this night, leaving me drained and tired, filled with longing once more. Damn him – damn me.

He starts slow, allowing us both to savour the feelings; he may be an evil vampire, but he is still a considerate and skilled lover, he knows how to make it as good for me as it is for him. I wrap my arms around him and hold him close, the heat from my body warming him and writhing in time with his leisurely thrusts. I stop caring about my own damnation and surrender myself utterly to this creature and the pleasure he is bringing me. I feel every inch of him as he slides out then back in, slowly, deliberately; his size causes just the right amount of friction in just the right places, sending my body off into paroxysms of delight, over and over.

‘Ahh, Basil… never stop doing this to me, never leave me!’ I cry as he starts to pick up the pace somewhat, driving me even deeper into helpless ecstasy. ‘I want you forever!’

What am I saying? That part of my brain that still listens to reason is trying to make itself heard. I don’t want to become a vampire, yet the things he is doing to me right now make me no longer care. All I want is this man inside me, right here, right now and I want him forever. But – forever means becoming as he is, a creature of night and shadows, damned, dead and soulless.

‘I know, my sweet, sexy Sirilonwe.’ he murmurs softly. ‘One day, I will bestow my dark gift upon you, but not yet – there are things I have to do before I can grant you that. Ahh, ahh, but I do enjoy you. You are so warm!’

I sigh happily, overcome with ambivalence – feeling both relief and disappointment. I have him to myself now and right now, that is all that matters, he is here and inside me and I care about nothing else.

I can feel his lips on my throat, I can’t help but tingle with longing – I will him to bite, I wait for the small jab of sharp pain. It doesn’t come. He can sense my disappointment.

‘We have plenty of time, my lovely, warm Sirilonwe. Yes, I want your blood, but I’m enjoying your body too – and I know you are enjoying me too.’ He pushes right up into me to punctuate his statement and all I can do is groan with the delight of it. ‘Ahh, Siri, how I do enjoy you so,’ he groans softly. ‘How hard you make me, you fine woman.’ He picks up pace and I can feel the pressure building in him as he seems to get even harder still. ‘Ahh, yes… here it comes, I can hold it back no longer… ahhh ahhh uhh!’

Wrapping my legs around him, I pin him firmly to me as I feel his release within me; it feels slightly odd as he is cold - instead of a rush of warmth, it is a rush of cool wetness. ‘Oh, Basil!’ I cry out in my ecstasy, gripping him tightly with arms and legs. ‘You’re wonderful…’

We lay there in comfortable companionship, nose to nose, he teases me by nibbling the tip of my nose with his sharp teeth; I can feel those fangs, knowing that soon they will not be teasing.

‘I’m ready to go again, Siri,’ he whispers in my ear; he is too – I can feel him already poking at me urgently again. For a dead man, he has more vitality than many living ones!

‘What are you waiting for, then?’ I ask him with a sly smirk. He rolls me over on top of him and I can easily slide back onto him, taking things at my pace this time. Gripping me by the hips, he pushes me up and down on him, his eyes closed and mouth open. I can see his fangs in there, and yet I have long since ceased worrying about them; indeed, I am anticipating his bite with eagerness rather than dread. I lean down over him, my hair tickling his face; I yearn for his bite and I think he knows it too – I can’t help myself. I can see him eyeing up my throat, his eyes glow and I can see his hunger in them. ‘Take me, Basil,’ I lean my face against his, my neck within range of those teeth. ‘Feed from me, I know you want to…’

The bite when it comes, is little more than a sharp jab, the pain is quickly gone, to be replaced by yet more pleasure; even this turns me on in a way I cannot explain. I should be horrified by this, but I am not; I just want this wonderful creature to myself, even if it is just for this night. I feel my blood racing, it’s a wonder he can drink it fast enough without simply drowning in the red tide, he hardly needs to suck it out, it pours out by itself into his mouth. I am so turned on, my heart pounding with a combination of the exercise and sexual excitement. I can feel him warming up as my blood fills him – I’ve often wondered just how his insides work in order to do that. Maybe even he doesn’t know for sure; maybe he doesn’t even care as long as he is fed.

‘Ahh, you taste so sweet, my fine Siri,’ he groans, my blood spilling over his face as he lets go of me to speak. ‘Ahh, wash me in your blood! You are so hot I don’t even have to work for it!’ He clamps his mouth back around the wound in my throat and continues to drink in great gulps. I can feel my own extremities beginning to go slightly cold and numb; only now do I start to feel worried. He is taking a lot from me this time.

‘Er… Basil…’ I start, pausing as he shudders suddenly, filling me again and groaning, the rush this time feeling warm. ‘Oh my…’ I breathe, my earlier alarm gone briefly, overcome with pleasure once again. This man knows just how to excite me until I’m helpless in his thrall. I lie there on top of him, finding movement difficult, my limbs leaden and unresponsive. ‘Basil,’ I whisper in his ear. ‘Please stop. I can’t afford to lose any more… please…’

Finally he pulls his mouth away from my neck, touching the wound with his fingertips, sealing it with a small healing spell. ‘Ahh, I needed that, and I needed you, my sexy, sweet Sirilonwe. Next time I am in Vivec, I will give you my immortality – you are too fine to be allowed to simply fade away. I feel you are almost ready, and I am almost ready to give you a new home, far from those who would cause you harm.’

He rolls me off, and I am too weak to resist; he has taken so much blood I am barely able to move. It will be a while before I am recovered enough to be able to perform my guild duties fully again. He stays and strokes me for a while, his fingers now warm on my skin. He always does this, he never simply has his way with me then rushes off; he always takes some time to pay me attention and talk to me. He may be evil, but he is also generous and considerate. I can’t help but want him.

Contented and comfortable, I watch him walk to the door, my wonderful Basil.

‘Come back for me soon…’ I whisper as he disappears from view.

******

I realise how horribly clichéd this is, I am sitting here with the potion all prepared and ready – it will be quick, but very, very final. I can no longer go on like this, hating myself for letting that creature feed from me like some filthy, bloodsucking leech, hating myself for LIKING it. At least this way, I cannot become like he is, I wouldn’t want that – even if I do beg him for it while in the throes of passion.

Many centuries I have lived, passing on my knowledge to those around me. I can only hope that whoever finds this will understand what I have done, and why. Better that than living the rest of my life like this – or worse – I only hope I can find peace once I’m gone…