Home Excerpts What Readers are Saying Who is The Answer? Order Page Devotionals Site Awards and Links Guestbook My Blog "Just for Fun" links Contact Me
My father died two weeks ago. He hadn't been a part of my life for fifteen years due to his mental/emotional instability. Prior to that we made many memories, some pleasant, many not so.He was 73. It's hard for me to believe he was that old. We lived far apart; he in Florida and I in Colorado, so I almost never had an opportunity to see him. When I had those opportunities I didn't take advantage of them. The choice had more to do with apprehension than anything else. It's been years since I felt any bitterness toward him. I have forgiven and I've moved on. Still, I never chose to see him when I had those rare chances. I wasn't willing to take the risk, because I wasn't comfortable with him. Frankly, I was afraid to try. Whether I was right or wrong, that's the choice I made. It's done now.A father is a powerful force in a child's life. I loved mine with all my heart as a little girl, grew fearful and angry in my teens (as his emotional issues grew more extreme), nursed bitterness for years after that, and then finally began to heal. My own emotional struggles helped me to better understand his. Anger and its consequences stopped appealing to me as I saw the havoc they wreaked in my life. I went to counseling. I chose to forgive.I also built a new Dad. This new father existed in my mind for a long time before I finally wrote about him. And to put him on paper I had to give him a name.His name is Dan Jeffries.The Dan Jeffries I wrote about isn't a perfect man, but he's a very good one. Perhaps it sounds strange, but when I wrote about him it fed a hungry place in my soul. He loves his wife as I wish my father had loved my mother. Sure, Dan and Amanda have their squabbles and disagreements, but their love is like bedrock underneath them and their whole family. Every child hungers to see that kind of love.Dan Jeffries also loves his kids and does his best for them. His best is far from perfect, but it improves over the course of the book. No child could ask for more...not reasonably, anyway. There are no perfect fathers. They fail, and they need forgiveness.I know my father loved me in his own way. Everything else is forgiven. Like I said, it has been forgiven for a while, but I wanted to write it down for all to see. Dan Jeffries desperately needs answers. So did my father. I couldn't help my father even when I tried. Of course I know it was never my responsibility to cure my father's mental/emotional problems, or to make right choices for him. I don't feel guilty about not being able to help. But the longing is another matter. I wanted my father to find the answers he needed...to find The Answer...but I couldn't make it happen for him. So I made it happen for Dan. It felt good.People tell me that my writing is bursting with emotion. Of course it is. My heart is in it. Sometimes I have to write so that I can see for myself what's in my heart. Even this blog entry isn't what I thought it would be. My mind had one idea, but I guess my heart controlled my fingers. If you're reading this, then my prayer for you is that your life will be filled with both the giving and the receiving of love and forgiveness.It feels so good.
I have three sons, and the two oldest (Nathanael and Phillip) have Autism-spectrum disorders. Phillip has been in special education since his preschool years, but Nathanael's needs didn't seem as pronounced. He's been in a private Christian school up til now, but as the years have gone by, his "special needs" have become more and more of an issue. Now, in the middle of 4th grade, it has become necessary to move him out of the Christian school and into the public school system so he can be in Special Education too. Looking back, this is a move we probably should have made years ago. But God knows. I am very thankful for the solid Christian foundation that Nathanael got at Heritage.
We are very fortunate here in Fort Collins to have a wonderful special-ed program with terrific specialists in autism and related disorders. God knew what He was doing when He moved us here. We couldn't ask for a better school system. But still, it's hard to make that change. It's hard to leave behind teachers who pray for and with Nathanael, who teach and model godly principles, who present only wholesome reading materials, etc.
I've had to wrestle with this. I've had to examine who and what I'm trusting in. Is my trust in the Christian school, or is my trust in God? Do I believe that God will go with Nathanael wherever he attends school? Of course I do. If I could have kept Nathanael in Christian school, I would have. But I couldn't, and this is no surprise to God. God created Nathanael just as he is, and He knew exactly what this precious boy would need. So, while I need to be diligent about countering any ungodly influences that Nathanael may encounter at school, I do NOT have to be afraid. God is still God, and Nathanael is still in His hands.
God is still saying, "Fear not...."
Someone was kind enough to write in the guestbook today that one of the devotionals was just what she needed to hear. That comment made my day.
Our church just finished doing "40 Days of Community," a program from Purpose Driven Life ministries that emphasizes our call to serve those within our congregations and in the community around us. One of the truths that was emphasized was the joy that comes from serving others. It's so true. Serving others doesn't come naturally to me. Not at all...with one exception. Serving through the written word comes very naturally, and it's an incredible joy.
So now I've got a temptation that I must resist. The temptation is to ignore all of those forms of service that don't come naturally. I've always been good at that, but now it'll be even easier, because I've got the fun of this online ministry to pull me away from other obligations. I used to feel guilty when I'd shoo my children away because I was too busy doing my own thing. It feels a lot more justified to shoo them away when I'm doing some form of ministry.
But of course that's all wrong. My husband, my children, my home...these are the primary ministries I've been given, and I'm so good at ignoring my responsibilities there!
That's not to say that I must always drop everything at the whim of my children. Part of my ministry as a parent is to lovingly help them outgrow the idea that they are the center of the universe.
The problem is, I keep getting terribly impatient with them, because I'm trying to make them see that the universe really revolves around what I want to do. Why can't they understand that? It's so obvious, isn't it?
God must be up there shaking his head. He's got stars and galaxies literally revolving around him, a universe that He made with a word from his mouth. Yet He chose to serve others. He became flesh and served all the way to the cross. Now He continues to serve, making intercession for us, even making intercession for me when I try to take His place in the center of creation. How can He do that?
It's gotta be love. Love that's deeper and broader and wider and higher than anything we can possibly imagine.
Lord, please help me to love like You love!
Copyright © Betsy Markman 2005 All Rights Reserved.
Get a Free Blog Site at Freewebs.com!
