The Underground Junk Hole

Sorry about the dreadful posts lately. I'm sorry I feel the need to write them at all.

I just woke up from the fifth night of the worst nightmares I've had since I watched too many zombie movies as a kid. I keep dreaming my friend Catherine dies. Continously. In different ways all through the night. This is why I've come to hate dreaming. I'm not going to describe the details, I've had enough of them, I just don't understand why these are recurring. I never spent as much time with her as I'd have liked to, don't know why we drifted apart but I'm sure it's my fault. She was a lively chick, always kept me on my toes when she was around, I appreciated that boost.

When I woke up, I felt the need to look over to my right, and I saw a man sitting in the chair there. He was wearing grey shoes, black slacks, and all I caught of the rest was a glimpse of his bony hand, lightly rapping his fingers on the arm-rest like someone waiting for a bus at the station. This sound is what woke me up. I closed my eyes at that point, then realized this person, this being, shouldn't be here. So I shot up but he was gone. I think that was Ol' Grims himself, but why is he messing with my head? Or is he confirming what I've been dreaming? Though deams they defintely are not.

I miss Catherine.

I've had similar dreams of my dad over the course of the last few months, each more lucid than the one before. The most recent was a break from the mayhem, he was sitting on the sofa, looking depressed as hell, so I sat next to him and put my arm around him. Then I woke up. Sometimes I suffer bouts of guilt that I don't behave as amicably, as compassionately, as I do in some dreams.

I'll miss them when they're gone.

Dean Arias - For all my years online, I've rarely posted pictures or even my name. Consequently, any of my old friends that try to look for me will find it impossible because there's nothing to track. No Facebook, no Myspace, nothing. When my name is searched, all that appears is some articles I wrote for Helium.com and some other guy with a Facebook, they're nothing special though (the articles). So anyway, my name is here so maybe anyone looking for me will have an easier time.

Yes, I went to Hollywood High School.

Yes, I'm the tortured genius.

Yes, I say "no" to a lot of things, but I won't deny a chance at conversation, not anymore anyway.

Eduardo, if you're reading this, let me know what's up, you freaking jarhead!

Fear and exhiliration course through my veins when locked away in the darkness. Fear not of what might lurk inside it, but of what I might do to what's in it. I hate bumping into things.

Film Photography, a hobby that lends me freedom but can feel so suffocating when developing it.

I wrote some more, all witty and insightful, but the computer's power went out inexplicably and deleted everything. This is all I could remember. Fuck my life.

I don't care.

That's basically it, I don't care about painting or sculpting or anything much really. No, I'm not drunk and ranting, I'm just being honest for once.

I have like a million (yeah right, I wish) comissions I haven't finished yet, and I don't seem to be able to find the will to finish them. Somewhere along this paint-splattered road, I forgot the reason I was customizing in the first place, to make coool stuff the way I wanted, not the way others wanted it to be. This hobby became a job, a source of steady income, I almost became a suit. Yeah, my tie would be stained with dirty water and my sleeves would be torn off because I'm awesome, but still a suit, I never wanted to be that, I still don't. And that's not a rip on all you suits out there, that's cool that you've found success in life, but it's just not the kind I want. ME ME ME, I I I. Sounds very self-centered, and it is, I'm tired of doing what everyone else says is the way to go through life. Fuck you all. I love you, but fuck you. Lol. No, I don't know what I'm going to do for a living. I'm happy with an axe and a cabin in the woods somewhere, all this crap I buy, toys, electronics, they're just distractions, I need to get rid of them.

What does this mean for you, that's all you want to know. It means you'll get what's owed to you, cheers. Will it be soon? Not likely, but you will get your refunds/discounts/items. I'm not going to say "I promise", I never say that. I might be struck by lightning tomorrow and fry extra crispy, no one knows, but I'm going to make sure you get at least some kind of closure.

And I know each and every one of you that I owe stuff to, including you Tripper, GJ, and Tony K. Dude, I still have your custom Amphibian, send me your address! I recently took on another couple of commissions for one customer; I realy, really, really shouldn't have because I hit my funk BAD a few days after. But it involves sculpting a couple of little Knight dudes, should be something different at least, entertaining. Problem is, it's been hot and humid as hell for the past few weeks, I can't paint, it just gets sticky. This is not possible to explain to customers. They don't understand that the weather has a lot to do with the final result of their customs, they see it as an excuse for being lazy, what am I to do? I delay the customs until weather improves. Days turn to weeks and I start finding other, less-convincing excuses. It sucks, I know. I suck. Help me.

I'm not charging for comissions anymore, though I may do a free one now and then if I think the subject-matter is extra awesome. Maybe part of the reason I don't finish stuff is because I charge so little, I don't feel like the price reflects the work I put into the custom? Hell, $15 for repaints, like $30 for more complex things is a great price if you shop around, but it's not worth the sweat and blood that goes into the work. So, if you want something made, don't come to me anymore. You'll be happier that way.

I started a Film Photography Class this Monday. Old school stuff, the last generation before digital cams are as clear and sharp as film and film becomes obsolete. I enrolled only so I could withdraw $1200 in scholarship money. I'm going to use it for digital camera gear and an airbrush if there's money left over. The plan is to charge people for photoshoots, maybe 50 bucks a shoot, that's about what an average job pays a day. I like taking pictures, I like to hoard treasured memories and trashy traumas all the same, having them on film should be interesting.

Alrighty, so because Corey ("TAO" at Articulated Discussion) linked to me from his site, I have to post more often to keep you punks entertained! Hard to do when I'm constantly fighting-off sleep, hunger, and a neverending invasion of bedbugs. I pray for those of you who I've shipped items to, who knows what vicious bedbug has snuck out of the package and into your homes.

Well, I don't pray for you guys, more like wait for the angry emails so I can laugh for a while.

I tried bug-bombs last week. Let me tell you what a bug-bomb is, it is not the magnificent cloud of poisonous death that seeps into every crack and hole to strangle the life out of any bug caught in it's venemous grip that you may, by all reasonable means, think it is. A bug-bomb is more like a sissy little mist that spittles out of the canister. It flows along the floor and settles in your carpet, where it rests and dozes like a lazy security guard. All bug-bombs do is piss-off whatever bug you're trying to kill, to the point where they come out while you're sleeping and bite the shit out of you for ever thinking you could stop their insectile juggernaut.

Tomorrow some guy is gonna come and fumigate and do fun extermitaor stuff, like wear a ridiculously huge respirator-mask and talk like Darth Vader. I had to put all my toys into tupperware things, I'm not looking forward to setting them up again, so many tiny pieces to keep track of...

Oh, and-

Unbreakable [2000] - Don't know why I haven't seen this sooner, I even remember seeing the ads for it way back then. Anyway, it wasn't bad! I didn't even know it was comic-book related, I just wanted to see Bruce Willis and Samuel Jackson spit lines at each other, and they did! Line-spitting! Awesome! Lol, okay, I liked it up to the part when, inevitably, they put in some stupid little kid who I wanna punch in the face. Anytime I start to like a movie, BAM! Stupid little kid gets put in to annoy me. Whatever. The movie wasn't overly-dramatic, not too much action either, but it's interesting enough to want to know what happens next.

8 Sexy Bald Heads / 10

It's hard to explain to someone what it feels like to lose a hobby, especially when they've never had a hobby themselves. It's a hollowing experience, this thing you've done for most of your life suddenly comes to an end and you can't avoid it. If I had a kid and one day someone said "I'm taking your kid because you can't afford to feed him anymore", I'd be like "HELL YEAHZ!".

Ok, bad example, anyway...

I can't afford toys anymore. I can't afford anything anymore but no new toys means I can't customize, which means even less money coming from commissions and ebay. It's over. Toys never appear around this area, online shipping is stupidly high, and even our tax-rate just went up to over 9%. I give up on it. It's a shame too because one of my wishes came true in the form of an official DCUC Power Girl and Hawkgirl being made. Oh well.

I don't know what I'm going to talk about on this site now...

...muffins?