The Underground Junk Hole

I shipped out packages, if I owed you something, stand-by for the Delivery Confirmation numbers so you can track them.

Alrighty, so because Corey ("TAO" at Articulated Discussion) linked to me from his site, I have to post more often to keep you punks entertained! Hard to do when I'm constantly fighting-off sleep, hunger, and a neverending invasion of bedbugs. I pray for those of you who I've shipped items to, who knows what vicious bedbug has snuck out of the package and into your homes.

Well, I don't pray for you guys, more like wait for the angry emails so I can laugh for a while.

I tried bug-bombs last week. Let me tell you what a bug-bomb is, it is not the magnificent cloud of poisonous death that seeps into every crack and hole to strangle the life out of any bug caught in it's venemous grip that you may, by all reasonable means, think it is. A bug-bomb is more like a sissy little mist that spittles out of the canister. It flows along the floor and settles in your carpet, where it rests and dozes like a lazy security guard. All bug-bombs do is piss-off whatever bug you're trying to kill, to the point where they come out while you're sleeping and bite the shit out of you for ever thinking you could stop their insectile juggernaut.

Tomorrow some guy is gonna come and fumigate and do fun extermitaor stuff, like wear a ridiculously huge respirator-mask and talk like Darth Vader. I had to put all my toys into tupperware things, I'm not looking forward to setting them up again, so many tiny pieces to keep track of...

Oh, and-

Unbreakable [2000] - Don't know why I haven't seen this sooner, I even remember seeing the ads for it way back then. Anyway, it wasn't bad! I didn't even know it was comic-book related, I just wanted to see Bruce Willis and Samuel Jackson spit lines at each other, and they did! Line-spitting! Awesome! Lol, okay, I liked it up to the part when, inevitably, they put in some stupid little kid who I wanna punch in the face. Anytime I start to like a movie, BAM! Stupid little kid gets put in to annoy me. Whatever. The movie wasn't overly-dramatic, not too much action either, but it's interesting enough to want to know what happens next.

8 Sexy Bald Heads / 10

Yar, some movies and a quick thought on each:

• The Broken [2008] - For a film that made it to Horrorfest, this thing was boring as hell. Granted, it did do a great job of building suspense thoughout, everytime you saw a mirror you'd be like "OMG! The might be someone there when next she looks into it!" Okay, that's pretty lame too since, like, ALL horror movies do that nowadays. And they have, you now, horror in them. Blegh. 6 Broken Mirrors / 10
  
  
• JCVD [2008] - Yes, Jean Claude Van Dam! I'm sad to say I couldn't find any version with English subtitles because the whole movie is in French. I still watched it though and pretended to understand everything, it was pretty awesome. Jean Claude is a secret agent from Pluto sent to earth to capture his evil doppleganger from taking over the galaxy! Nah, this actually looked like a good film, Van Dam looks and sounds so natural in this movie. And there's some cool monologue that everyone is raving about, that I thought was cool, but not epic...  Squiggly~Line / 10
  
  
• Dark Reprieve [2008] - Yuck! This thing sounded cool, but it's soooo boring. Bad acting but it's a really creepy idea. If the acting was better I'd probably have liked it. I remember seeing an old Twilight Zone episode that had basically the same plot as this movie, so I guess it's like a tribute to it or something. Lame / 10
  
  
• Solo [2006] - No, it's not porn, you freaks. It's an Australian film about a hitman who wants to retire but his bosses won't let him so interesting stuff happens. I wasn't expecting much out of it, so I was surprised that it was pretty decent. I mean, I love Australia and all, but it sounded kinda generic on paper. Coolness. I hated the ending though, it was kinda telegraphed thorughout the film. 7 Cute College-Girls / 10
  
  
• The Line [2006] - Not a horror flick, it's a straightforward crime drama/action thing. Not like CSI or Law&Order, those shows suck (sorry), more like...wel, I don't know what to compare it to, I don't watch movies that often! xD Anyway, it's a lot less epic than the descriptions for it make it sound. Two cops need to stop a gang war, but there's some croooked cops running around. The film isn't as "deep" as I wanted it to be, but it made it's point. It's okay. 7 Fuzzy Moral Lines / 10
  
  I really just like anything with angry Brits/Aussies/Kiwis in it, they're hilarious! Don't believe me? Take a look at this angry Kiwi and tell me it isn't hilarious:
  
  
  
  
  

  Um...okay, that's actually pretty fucking scary...like Big Bird and Chupacabras combined...um...moving on...
  
  
  
• Wall-E [2008] - Actually, I saw this last month, but it's such a cute and adorable movie that it's still in my head. Go watch it! Unless you hate cute things. Baby-haters. Lol, just messing with ya, I hate babies too. 14 Cute-ass Robots / 10

Oh! Go buy Black Label Society's albums! The music just sounds like a bunch of noise, and all the songs start to sound the same after a while, but it's still good! Har, it's good heavy banging to knock the cobwebs out of your crappy Jonas Brothers-infested brain. You really need to have a good ear to enjoy this music though, I'm not kidding about the songs all sounding the same after a while. You need to be able to pick-out the different sounds happening at once to appreciate it. This is one of the reasons people don't like Black/Death Metal, it just sounds like a bunch of noise, but if you take the time to understand what's happening within the song, then...um...a leprechaun gives you a pot of gold! No, it makes you realize just how much work the performers are putting into their music.

Man, I think it's hilarious, how can they go from Pounding Riffs to THIS, within the same album? And by hilarious I mean awesome, that song is fucking epic. I liked listening to like 93% of all the songs across all the albums! Because they all sounded the same! xD Srsly though, the banging songs are all okay, but the acoustic and mellow songs are epic. I love these guys.

Oops, almost forgot, I love you Zooey Deschanel. Be mine. Please? Oops, again...

• Yes Man [2008] - Jim Carrey and my beloved Zooey, best movie ever! This movie hit me pretty hard. I got all introspective and shit after it, wanted to be a better person and junk, and it almost happened, but luckily I drifted off to sleep and forgot about it...until now...crap.
  
  Zooey sings! I love her more now. The fake band, Munchausen by Proxy, plays music I love to make fun of. You know, that awful synth-techno-pop or whatever the hell it's called. It's awesome too. Look them up, they made 4 songs for the movie and they're all pretty to listen to.
  
  The title song, Yes Man, is the least goofy, I love it. Keystar and Sweet Ballad are fucking hilarious.
  
  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwYEuYP_sjY&feature=response_watch
  
  And this is NOT a glamour shot, Zooey look slike this ALL THE TIME! Lol...
  
  
  
  

http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn17003-fluorescent-puppy-is-worlds-first-transgenic-dog.html

Phantom Limbs that scratch people!

Just gonna summarize the movie for people who don't want to actually see it but want to know what the hubbub is about.

The beginning already made my man-cackles itch, Bella is talking like she's writing into a diary, her speech devoid of emotion, she's like that throughout the whole movie too, really boring. She's moving from Arizona to Washington, a drastic change, but still, she sounds like she's reading outloud from a history book in class or something.

Anyway, the rest of the start is pleasant enough, old guys fighting, high-school silliness, gossip, what is up with all the guys hitting on Bella? Why is everyone so friendly with her out-of-the-blue? My guess is because she's the Police Chief's daughter and everyone seems to know it, makes sense, people want to suck up to the Chief's daughter (though later, you can see they really are cool friends, not just suck-ups).

Bella is staying with her Dad while her Mom is trying to get a job somewhere or something. Then we're told about the Cullens, the family consisting of a bunch of pale dark-lipped white kids adopted by Dr Cullen or something. And there's this creepy awkward sequence where Bella goes to biology class, sits next to Edward, the really pretty kid (I guess, lol), and they're sitting there and staring at each other in turns. The Edward kid is acting like something smells, and Bella is telling herself, WTF? Do I smell? And then Edward is like AARRG!! And he storms out of the classroom. Then Bella goes to the counselor's office and finds Edward there trying to get that class changed. And the old lady at the desk is like "Nuh-uh, fool". And Edward is like AARRG! again, and he says all Shakesperean, "I guess I'll just have to endure it!". What a stupid dick, but remember, chicks love guys who are dicks, so he's really a smart dick.

Then the guy doesn't show up at school for like 2 or 3 days, making Bella believe he doesn't like her, and remember, chicks love it when guys pretend not to be interested in them, this guy is a super smart dick. Then he comes back a few days later and is all glitchy and they're both talking all awkward for some reason. He's like "Hey baby-gurl, I'm Edward Cullen, I'm sorry I didn't try to pimp it to you earlier, now let's cut these onions." I'm paraphrasing. Then he asks, "So how do you like the rain?", which if we wanna look for hidden meaning means "You like how big a dick I am?". And Bella is like "No, I don't like cold wet things". But then they start their staring thing again, and she bites her lower lip and they're sorta smiling.

Anyway, later outside, some cars are about to crash because they skidded off the road, and are about to crush Bella, and Edward swoops in out of nowhere and busts a Superman by getting between her and the car and stops it. So they're staring at each other and then Edward jumps away over some other car and runs into the woods, in PLAIN SIGHT of everyone, and somehow NO ONE SAW HIM DO IT! WTF!? Then at the hospital, everyone is talking (no one was hurt), and Bella gets Edward alone and asks "WTF!?" And Edward is like "Can't you just thank me and get over it?" Truly a man's man. I can see why Bella wants him. Hell she even starts dreaming about him that same night. Bastard. Lol.

At this point, the only reason I'm still watching the movie is because Bella is very pretty and I like her seemingly indifferent attitude towards the world, like a sexier version of me. Also, I'm hoping the vamps get set on fire, every time they come on screen with their smug Abercrombie and Finchness, I want to smack them across the face with a crowbar. Heh

So Bella and a guy friend of hers are outside the school and he asks her to go to Prom. For whatever reason, Edward is lurking around nearby, and being the totally cool guy he is, he totally Jedi mind-tricks her ass into rejecting. What a sport this guy is! Can totally see why he's so loveable. A few minutes later they're on a field trip in a green house, and Bella is about to slip but Edward non-chalantly catches her by the arm in time. So at this point I'm guessing Bella is important to the Vamps and they need her alive or something. But of course he's still a dick and is like "Could you try to not be such a fucking clutz?"

I kept watching up where Ed and Bell are talking in the cafeteria and Ed is like, "We shouldn't be friends, but I want to. We shouldn't be talking but we are. I can't tell you who I am but I want to but I'm not going to because chicks dig mysterious guys and I'm this close to banging you". Again, paraphrasing. Then Bella says something funny about radioactive spiders and kryptonite and I figured, I think this is as good as this movie is going to get for me, so I fast forwarded a lot through the rest of the movie, but not before I heard Edward say, "What if I'm not the good guy? What if I told you I'm the bad guy?" This guy is so fucking smooth. And Bella's panties melt of course.

I like that Bella's friend Jacob, and his own friends, are Native Americans and they don't welcome the Cullens on their land (their reservation). I don't want to stereotype, but honestly every NA I've met has a natural instinct for picking-out people who are touched by magic/supernaural/call it whatever you want, I thought that added some nice realism (at least to me with my experiences). Then Jacob tells her the relationship Cullens and their tribe have, it's pretty nifty.

Ok, so skip ahead, Bella is about to get raped by like 7 guys in the dark because she's walking home alone for some stupid reason, lol. Then, magically, Edward appears in a car, stares down the dudes Batman-style, and they get out of there. Oh, by the way, Edward apparently is a champion stunt-driver as well. Yeah. And he reads minds. Except for Bellas. Cuz she's special. Or something. This is. How. Everyone. Talks in. This. Freaking. Movie. OMG. And he's like, what the hell, let's go eat. Except he doesn't eat, he just wanted to go into the restaurant to tell her all about himself and how "he doesn't have the strength to stay away from her anymore". Wow. That shit was truly epic when he said it, give this dude an award!

Later, Bella walks up the creepy-ass mountainside for some reason and Edward follows. They get into this epic talk about loving lambs and vampire lions, and he's like "I wanna eat you". And she's like, "I'm not afraid of you, I'm just afraid of losing you." WTF? Listen babe, You've known this crepy-ass kid for only a few days, he's a complete asshole to you most of the time, he displays symptoms of psychosis, and just because he shows you how he sparkles in the sunlight, you're willing to forgive and forget all that? WTF!?

Okay, but to be fair, Vamp-boy said he was the ultimate predator, and something about even his very scent being able to attract his prey (which is cute girls apparently), so I can't call Bella a complete idiot, she kinda can't help it. She loves him because that's his ability, to make people love him profoundly (right???). But he really does love her, naturally. I don't think either of them realize any of this. Stupid kids. xD

Then they go visit the dude's Vamp family, lol. This movie is wierd. Then they go up to his room and he doesn't have a bed, idiot! Another nice thing here is that Vamp Ed has a ton of music, makes perfect sense, unlike much of the rest of this movie...then Ed is like let's dance! And she's like, I can't dance. And she bites her lower lip a lot through the movie, it's so cute! Then he calls her a spider-monkey and they fly/jump around outside. Lol. Oh, also, Ed is a master pianist, just because (Okay, fine it makes sense, he's gotta spend his immortality somehow).

Then Bella has a heart-to-heart with her dad.

Then she talks to her mom on he phone about boys and Ed shows up in her room, sneaky bastard, then she hangs up.

Then Vamp Ed is like, "I like watching you sleep, I've been doing it for the last couple of months. Now I'm gonna kiss you and grope your boobs." And she's like "Cool". Whatever. Lol.

Then next day she brings Ed over to meet her dad "officially". I always love these scenes, especially when there are shotguns in the father's hands. Afterwards, they go to play baseball with Ed's family in some misty gloomy field. Vampire Baseball is the stupidest televised sport I've ever seen. It's full of lame music and even lamer Matrix-effects. I hate this movie now. Then 3 rival vampires come out of the mists and everyone is like, aw shit, they smelled Bella!

Then stuff happens, and honestly, the most fucked-up thing about this movie is that Bella crushes her daddy's heart, nasty-style. Those few seconds after she tells him That Awful Thing and he's standing there frozen are painful to watch.

Then there's some more stuff happening in the last few minutes of the movie, I stopped watching it, I'm not interested enough in any of the characters, not enough characterization, aw well.

And now for some less mocking-ish thoughts:

It was hard to watch with a straight face if you're a guy because as a guy, you assume everything Edward is doing is just to get into her pants. 80% of males (arbitrary number xD ) do what Edward does at one point or another in their lives, so we assume that's what he's up to. Turns out that he's really not a bad guy, BUT, his very nature attracts women (He said "prey" though, not just women, that means he attracts guys too. I guess that's a plot hole or they just didn't show guys showing interest in him).

Based on this, I can understand why he's so tortured all the time. He doesn't want to be a monster so he stays away from people to suppress the urge to eat them. But people keep wanting him because of his ability. He is a guy, and guys want some lovin', but he's never sure if a woman will love him because she really does love him or because it's just her hot vag talking. And he's not a jerk so he's not the kind to hump and dump, making his pickins all the more slim.

Though, it could be that he just attracts a woman's attention, not necessarily her attraction. Like, women will be like, who's this guy? Then they follow him around and stuff, not really in love, just interested in his activities. Then they see how *cough* cute he is and they fall in love.

Another note: It happened really quick, that Bella and Ed had "true love" or whatever. It was only a few days and they were already willing to die for each other. They hadn't even kissed or anything yet and they already were willing to sacrifice everything for one another. I think that was actually the most realistic thing in this movie, stupid kids vowing undying love. Stupid, stupid kids.

Also, I invested way too much time into this. Fuck.