[[.F.o.r.e.v.e.r.]]//V*2.0

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Additional:: Parents not happy with term results. Cannot play RO during weekdays. Can play occasionally during weekends and holidays provided I finished my homework. T^T *sobb* Must work harder. For both exams and RO. End of story. T_T;

Ahh!! Long time didn't update!! ^-^ Ahah... Very very sorry. You see, got coped up with other stuff. =) Like for example homework. Like for another example RO. *gets twacked* I'm baaaddd~ I know. :3

Ahem, anyway, I 'took' this from Che Min's Xanga, which Che Min took from her friend's blog I think... Well, just get the point that I didn't write that. ^_^; Pretty true!! Maybe except for 22... -_-|||

1. When a girl says she's sad, but she isn't crying, it means she's crying in her heart.
2. When she ignores you after you've done something wrong, it's best to give her some time to cool down before touching her heart with an apology.
3. A girl can't find anything to hate about the guy she loves (which is why it is so hard for her to 'get over him'after the relationship's over.)
4. If a girl loves a guy, he will always be on her mind every minute of the day, even though she flirts with other guys.
5. When the guy she likes smiles and stares deep into her eyes, she will melt.
6. A girl likes to hear compliments, but usually is not sure how to react to them.

7.When a particular guy flirts with a girl very often, a girl would start thinking the guy likes her. So if you treat a girl just as a friend, go easy on the smiles and stare ok?
8. If you don't like a girl who likes you, break it to her gently.
9. If a girl starts avoiding you after you reject her, leave her alone for a while. If you still treat her as a friend, talk to her.
10. Girls enjoy talking about what they feel.Music, poetry, drawings and writing are ways of expressing themselves (which explains why most girls like writing journals).
11. Never tell a girl that she is useless in any way.
12. Being too serious can turn a girl off.
13. When the guy she likes calls her for the first time, the girl may act uninterested during the call. But as soon as the phone is back on the hook, she will whoop with joy and immediately start telephoning her friends to spread the news.
14. A smile means a lot to a girl.
15. If you like a girl, try making friends with her first. Let her get to know you.
16. If a girl says she can't go out with you because she has to study, leave.
17. But if she still calls you or expects a call from you, stay.
18. Don't try to guess a girl's feelings. Ask her.
19. Hearing the words "I love you" is a greatest assurance to a girl that she is beautiful.
20. She'll wonder why she never noticed him before.
21. If you need tips on how to flirt with a girl,read romance stories.
22. When class pictures come out, a girl would first check who is standing next to her crush before actually looking at herself.
23. A girl's ex-crush will always be in her memory, but the guy she loves now stays in her heart.
24. Girls love having fun!
25. A simple 'Hi' can brighten a girl's day.
26. A girl's best friends usually know best what she is feeling and going through.
27. Girls hate it when a guy pays attention to them just to get close to their 'prettier' friend.
28. Love means devotion, caring and happiness to a girl, in that order.
29. Some girls care about looks, some care about brains, but ALL girls want a guy who will love and care for them.
30. Girls want nothing more than to feel loved

Yeahhh~ ^___^ *nudges the girls* True? XD To the guys, can I say, watch and learn? :D Ahahaha... Okay enough crap, too much sugar for me. Anyway! Sing Hun is baaaccckkk!!! :3333 *sparkle sparkle* And she's coming to school tomorrow! *sparkles somemore* ^.^! *gets twacked* Riiight... Is excited~ Is crazy~ Is nervous!!! And wait, I forgot to wrap up her prezzy!!! >_<;; Ahem. Mind me.

Can you believe it!? I forgot my history assignment again!!! Suuccks... Never mind. Staying up late tonight anyway. =) Hopefully Ill finish it. One experience of singing in class is enough, really. XD; Myu~ Better start working! Ciao~~~ *muahx*

A girl and a boy were on a motorcycle, speeding through the night. They loved each other a lot.
Girl: "Slow down a little.. I'm scared.."
Boy: "No, it's so fun.."
Girl: "Please... It's so scary.."
Boy: "Then say that you love me.."
Girl: "Fine.. I love you.. Can you slow down now?"
Boy: "Give me a big hug.."
The girl gave him a big hug.
Girl: "Now can you slow down?"
Boy: "Can you take off my helmet and put it on? it's uncomfortable and its bothering me"
The next day, there was a story in the newspaper. A motorcycle had crashed into a building because its brakes were broken. There were two people on the motorcycle, of which one died, and the other had survived. The guy knew that the brakes were broken. He didn't want to let the girl know, because he knew that the girl would have gotten scared. Instead, he was told the last time that she loved him, got a hug from her, put his helmet on her so that she can live, and died himself...

Ciao! ^-^ Long time didn't update. I was lazy, as usual. =) You see, exams are just around the corners and we still have so many revision and other projects to do. Time is just not enough to use. [+ playing RO + chatting + ... *gets twacked*] Either way, I need more time. And I can't really afford to burn the midnight oil now, I won't be able to wake up the next morning, and that, would be disasterous. Like as if exams are not. Sighh... +_+

Marcus came back from Singapore and we had a little chat on MSN and he told me some stuff about his great-grandmother's funeral and such... Sorta triggered my emotions again. I don't know how I'd feel if my grandfather hasn't pass away yet, but he did, so I understand his feelings now. Still, it's all destined. I can't change it, he can't change it, no one can change it. The best we can actually think is that, it is probably an escape for them, to avoid being even more pained if their life continues. I understand, I know, I can still remember how in pain my grandfather had looked. But it's human nature to get upset about it right? I don't know how long I'll take to numb the pain of losing my grandfather, maybe a year, maybe 10 years, maybe 20 years... I don't know. But I'd never want to lose the memories I have of my grandfather. If there's anything that can last forever in the world, it's memories. Well, unless you get Amnesia, then that's a different matter.

Mr Lim said that all our memories are kept inside the brain, we think we don't remember it, but actually it is inside the brain, just not very clear and recovered. And Amnesia... Well, I don't know much about Amnesia. And Mr Lim says if we uses 10% of our brain capacity, we would be a great genius already. o.O Means I'm probably only using 0.1% of my brain? Bleh... As I was saying... Whatever that is left, memories would last the longest, and usually you will remember if you really want to. Or that's what I think. But people say, the more you don't want to remember it, the deeper it'll sink. *shrugs* Either way, my point is, the best we can do is to remember the ones who had passed away so they'll always be living in our hearts. It's cliche. But what can I do?

My grandfather didn't believe in life after death when he was alive. Neither did I. My parents and grandmother and my grandfather's friends had had dreams of my grandfather. Everyone, except me. I really wonder why... Maybe it's because I don't believe in these sort of thing? Because I don't believe in life after death? ... Maybe if everything about life after death is true, my grandfather's spirit had probably found another body - meaning reborn. Which means he doesn't know he's my grandfather anymore. Sighh... Depressing to think about it. Maybe from the starting of grandfather's illness and my parents' and relatives' parts and bits of conversation I could tell that grandfather wouldn't be able to make it. But I refused to believe it. Because I believed in miracles. People say that if you believe in miracles really hard, one would happen, right? But, it didn't.

We didn't ask for much, my grandfather didn't ask for much... Just 5 years, just 5 years would do... Or maybe at the end, my grandfather had gave up. But at the same time, didn't he say he wanted to see me graduate from university? ... Life is so unpredictable. Death is just... Another obstacle in life. Sighh... And so after passing and enduring one obstacle and another, in the end, it's supposed to be worth it, I'm supposed to be stronger and more successful. But what I really feel now. In the end, nothing matters at all. Success is not what all one needs in life. You need family, you need love, you need care, you need understanding, you need true friends.

I wonder what my 'in the end' will be like. Maybe, it would be out of prediction. Maybe it would turn out exactly the opposite of what I thought. Maybe...

I still don't totally believe in life after death. Not totally disbelieve, but not totally believe either. Half way in the middle? But so what if there is really life after death? I won't remember anything after I'm recarnated anyway. So there's only one life, and the life we're living is the only life we have. So we must treasure it. That's cliche. That's obvious. But it's easier said than done. Statistically, how many had a totally successful life and how many had succeeded ruining their lifes?

Maybe I still have a lot of theories and concepts in my mind about life which is wrong. Maybe it's only when Death has found me that I've finally truthly understood life. Because it's the end. The ultimate end.

And in the other corner of the hospital there came a loud cry of a newborn... A new start...

Life is a continual cycle. Earth is a continual cycle. There's birth, there'll be death. There's a start, there'll be an end. And it will go on. People tend to... forget how the cycle came about. Without minerals and resources, there won't be earth; without minerals and resources on Earth, there would be no living things. That, people tend to forget, is, we don't have magical never-ending minerals and resources. Ok, I've wandered too far, again. Still, I'm curious about 1 million years later. Would the star I'm watching now still be there? What would be on - or maybe under - this piece of land I'm setting my foot on? What would happened to... ...

Sighh... Life is about learning. Life is about accepting. Life is about going on. And so I shall conclude life with three word: It goes on.

Heya~ I know this is a really late update, but I honestly didn't have anything to blog about at all. Either way, yesterday and today was project fair, we spent almost the whole week on the projects and didn't have lessons. It felt like after exams. And the performance is finally over. It was pretty cool I guess. Warning, angsty contents later on, don't read if you don't like my angsty.

Got a scolding from my grandmother, the reason I do not want to say. I just let her talk all she like, and kept my mouth shut. Why even bother to try and explain when I know I can't change what she thinks? So I can just remain like a mute person for that period of time. And at the same time hoping she'd better stop before I really can't control myself.

She treat me like a baby. I mean, sure, I'm not 18 yet, I'm not adult yet. But I know the difference between good and bad, ok? It's not like I'm those kind of person who thinks that study is the most ultimate important thing in my life and neglect about my virtues and what not. She thinks I'm those kind of unfilial kind of person who would forget about my parents after I grow up? She actually thinks I'm a bad girl now? And that I don't know what are the basic courtesy? Have I done all my parts for nothing?

Fine. I know it very clearly that once somebody does one thing wrong, whatever good deeds the person had done before would be wiped off. I dislike people telling me the obvious, and telling me all the things over and over again when I know it much more clearer.

I'm not like my mum, or my aunts. I'm stupid. I'm not able to act like a sweet, filial daughter. I just can't. I've tried, I've done my best. But I'm still not what they want.

I'm just human. I'm just an unsuccessful teenager who isn't able to decide anything for myself. I'm not allowed to decide for myself either way. And who said I can't have bad moods? Who said I can't feel grumpy and snappy? Who said I wanted to be perfect?

So my parents and grandmother believes in perfection. Virtue, intelligence, strength. That's called perfect? I had the urge to rebutt my grandmother. But on second thought, forget it, it'll only make her angrier, and I'll just have to listen to the lecture for a longer time. Shut up the best method.

Huh, my school's supposed to teach me courtesy and virtues. It does, I guess. So she thinks I don't know the way of life? Yeah, maybe I really don't know. Because whatever I do, it's just not right. Do I have to say everything that's in my heart out? Or do I have to write it in black and white? Is that what they want? Do I always have to tell my grandmother and parents that I love them everyday then they believe that I do care? You mean after being so many years with them, they still don't know how my character is like?

What's the thing that mattered most to them anyway? I apparently don't know. Maybe they think I know. Maybe I mistook it for another meaning. Why can't life just be simpler? Why is it that they can accept me for who I am for a moment, and they couldn't the other moment? I'm being selfish, I know. But I'm really sick of always being treated like a young child. Yes, sure, as long as I'm not over 18, I'm still legally under their care so they legally has the right to decide everything for me, plan everything for me, tell me what to do. However, they know how it feels like to be not respected. Just because I'm a adolescent, doesn't mean I don't get hurt by words right? And not everything they say is right anyway.

Maybe I'm just being stupid and pointless. Correction, I am being stupid, selfish and pointless. But I also feel insulted. I'm rebellious I know.

Just because I don't show that I care with actions and words doesn't mean I really don't. Just because for once I'm in the bad mood you don't have to catergorise me under "bad". Why can't they understand and truly accept me for who I am without having influence from other people's words? So what if I'm not like other daughters, sweet, serene, beautiful with a sweet mouth. I just don't know how to be as "perfect" as that.

I don't know why I don't know what to say at the right time. It's one big problem in me, I know. I don't know how to change it. So I presume the best thing is to keep quiet. Then maybe the other adults would think I'm sweet, quiet and serene, then my parents would feel proud? Do I really have to do that everytime? Why must I force myself behind a mask? Why? Why am I doing things I don't like to do?

It's tiring. Life is tiring. But no matter what happens. It goes on. And the routine goes on. The Earth's still spinning on it's axis... Time's still clicking away... The sun will still rise tomorrow... And nothing's going to change...

I'm late, again. Oh, what a way to start a blog entry. ^-^; Anyway, just a warning, this is going to be another pointless and meaningless entry. So, don't read it if you're annoyed with the previous one. =)

Yesterday was our Spring Outing day, the 29th April. The teachers told us we're going to She Shan a few days before, I thought it would be something like a tour and a small climb up the mountain or something. Buuuut, when we reached She Shan, the instructor told us we're climbing up East She Shan to find 10 marking points. And the resistriction time was 2 hours. 2 hours!? Do we need to take that long? Anyway, we were told about how to use the Compass, map and the electronic key that we use to mark the points that we've found. Our class was grouped into 4 groups, Calvin, Tsu Ern, Tiffany and Siwon was in the same group as me. And I'm the group leader. Oh man.

Ok, so excited and anxious, we started the climb. And while climbing up the first main staircase, my leg muscles were already aching. So I realised it wasn't going to be an easy climb. And the moutain is really really big, as in, the area is large!! I really didn't know where exactly I was. So I just led my team along the main direction and prayed that the direction's correct. For the first few marking points, I was holding the key, cause Calvin who's carrying his large bag of snacks and drinks couldn't really run too fast without being unbalanced. Later Calvin divided some of his stuff - putting them into our bags - to lighten the weight of his bag so he can run faster. And so I gave him the key, cause he's way faster than me at doing that job. XD Calvin that BT... o-O So freakingly fast! XD

Okay, let's skip the part about climbing the mountain. After everyone reached the final destination, we had some free time. And we took the Pirate Ship!! So fun!!! ^_______________^ The first time was actually a bit freaky, cause I wasn't used to the feeling of coming downwards from somewhere high, and my stomach felt funny. But later I got used to it and I love the feeling! >=D And I kept screaming for the sake of screaming. XD Lol~ Fuuuunnn! :D

And then we went for a second ride!!! Soooooooo thirlling~~~ Time too short!!! >w< Man, it sure is fun to be with such a great group of friends~! It'll definitely be super fun if we can all go to a theme park or something!! >=D After the pirate ship, the others went for another ride, which I don't really know the name... And Calvin, Austin, Marcus tried the crazy spin around thing that made my stomach feel funny just looking at them spin. XD Poor Marcus, his face was so pale and he was on the verge of vomitting. ;_____; And thenn! We dared Mr. Seow to take the Pirate Ship ride with us! Wahoo~!~ That was just so cool. XD And Siwon sprayed water at Mr. Seow! Hahahah! Could tell that Mr. Seow was having fun too!! Then Kenneth had to spray water at everyone else!! >w< But never mind, it was hot anyway... ^-^! Oh~ And the ride was longer than usual because I think the owner of the Pirate Ship was being kind and was quite enjoying us torturing Mr. Seow. XDXD Nyahahahaha... ^0^ Too bad Mrs. Chua didn't take up our dare~!! =( It really was a very enjoyable day~!

So sad some of my classmates didn't come... Like Jamie, Che Min and Catherine...=( But honestly, Jamie would probably faint if she was to climb She Shan like we did. o-o Man, that was like army training. XD Still, it's very memorable~ Although not the best Spring Field Trip one can have in mind... >_>; Heck, it was fun, wasn't it people? =)

Today's the last day of school before the May 1st holiday. So few people only, the class seem so empty. =( S2 Ruby is not S2 Ruby without everyone! >w< Gonna miss everyone a lot during the holidays~! But, I wish everyone who's going on a holiday Bon Voyage and have fuuunnn!! That's the most important!!! =) And for those who are not going anyway, find something fun to do too, enjoy your holidays~!! :P I'm so crazy today~~~ XD Still got a bit leftover from yesterday's craziness. XD

Hopefully tomorrow or maybe Sunday I'll be blogging about some thoughts I've been having. =) My logic is slowly coming back! Fear me!!! >=D *gets twacked* ^-^; Ciao~! Happy Holidays everyone!!

Hey~ I'm late, I know, it's already Monday and I'm blogging about what happened on Saturday. XD Still, something to blog, right!? Okay, anyway, Marcus had his birthday party on Saturday the 24th. We were supposed to meet at Gu Bei Carrefour at 1 pm, but since I went there for lunch so at 12.15 I was already there strolling around aimlessly. Luckily Marcus, Austin, Tsu Ern, Calvin and Alexander came to Carrefour for lunch and I met up with them, so I watched them eat lunch and waited for the other people. Soon, Catherine arrived, then Tau Herng came, then Kenneth came. We were supposed to be waiting for Lynn, Rachel and Kim, but for some reason the whole group have to walk around and around Carrefour. Idiotic, stupid, I know. O.o;

Anyway, around 1.45 pm, Lynn and co. reached Carrefour and we waited for Lyon's car to fetch us to Aztec - a cyber cafe. But because Lyon's car is not big enough to squeeze in all of us, the other group of boys took a taxi. Anyway, we reached Aztec, the guys, of course, went right into their games. Rachel, Lynn and Kim went out for shopping~ I just sat there and daydream, because the stupid Aztec don't have the updated version of RO~~~ >_<; Aftering wasting about 2 hours or so, the whole group met up in Aztec then set out for Marcus' house. We had to split up into groups of 4 to take taxis and also take Lyon's car. Catherine, Calvin, Tau Herng and I went first in one taxi. My goodness, it was so hot in the taxi but the wind's really strong outside. o_O;

We reached Marcus' house and dun dun dun dun. Guess what? I found out I lost my handphone!!! >_________< Darn it darn it darn it... But I didn't want to take a taxi back to Aztec to find it, partly because I don't really know the place anyway....... T________________T;; *sobsob* Anyway, we went straight to Marcus' room after greeting his parents and relatives along the way up the stairs. Then Catherine and Calvin just literally dived for the computer lor. XD Soon Alexander and co's taxi arrived and he starting to argue with Catherine over the computer. ^-^; I used Catherine's handphone to call my number, the phone was ringing, but no one picked it up. After trying over dozens of times, it was time to go down for BBQ!

Ok, the food's nice, the atmosphere is nice, it's fun, and all... But... It's freezing cold with the strong wind! Brrrrrr....... ;_________; Wrong choice for wearing 3/4 pants, big mistake. My toes and fingers were literally frozen or something, and it was supposed to be Spring. =_=* My god, it was really really darn freezing and I was literally hopping around to get myself warm. And Tau Herng noticed, so he kindly offered me his jacket. Very gentleman, kind and sweet of him huh? XD It was much much much better wearing a jacket, though it was waaaay oversized for me. XD But honestly the guys are a bit... Abnormal... o.O; No offense, but they don't feel cold!? Anyway... Kim and Rachel were also freezing cold so they borrowed Tsu Ern's and Calvin's jacket respectively. Hey, not bad, there are some gentlemen around. XD Lol~

After the BBQ we just messed and fooled around in Marcus' room, playing with the punchback and the guys played "Worms Online". ^-^; The worms are so cute and adorable!!! >w< Sooooo cute... ;o; *coughcough* Okay, so after that was time to cut the birthday cake~! We crowd down the stairs to the living room and sat around the birthday boy - Marcus. Soooo... The candles were lit and we sang the Happy Birthday to Marcus! Then Marcus made a wish before blowing off the candles... Ooooo... The suspense, what wish did you think Marcus made? >=D Wahahaha... So Marcus cut the cake and divided it. Catherine on diet refused to eat the cake so she entertained herself with the piano. ^-^; The cake was good though, been a time since I ate cake. O.o; Because cakes honestly aren't my favourite. =_=

After eating the cake, we messed around somemore in Marcus' room, laugh, joke, play. Fun~~~! ^^ At last before we all leave for Carrefour, some of us sang Jay Chow's "In the Name of Father"'s joke version about tofu and food along with the music. So hilarious!!! >=D It was really fun wor~~ Then about 7.30 we started to leave the house, Calvin, Catherine, Tau Herng and I took a taxi to Carrefour.

Ok, so, I was supposed to call my grandmother who's at the father's side grandfather's house which is in Gu Bei so my grandfather can come to Carrefour to fetch me. But, the problem is, I lost my handphone. So, how? I have the keys to my house, but I couldn't possibly go back to my house, then call my grandmother and ask her to come back by herself right? It'll be very late by then. So I just took a taxi on my own to my grandfather's place. Like I had guess, they were pretty freaked out and worried about me cause they tried calling my handphone but no one answered. Got a little bit of scolding, then I had to explain the whole situation to them about losing my handphone. I think it was because Catherine called my handphone from the opposite room to ask me to go over, and I didn't pick it up, so I just left it on the table somewhere. Ok, then my uncle was back, so he asked me to get the name of the cyber cafe and the address. So my uncle drove me to Aztec and I told the receptionist about my handphone and we went up the room to search for it. Then I used my grandmother's handphone to call my number. Darn, this time the handphone was switched off. A wasted trip.

So I went back to my grandfather's house and took a taxi back home with my grandmother. Oh boy, what a day. *sniff* My poor handphone. My stupid, careless, dumb, brain!!! T_________T; Sighhhh... Is mentally preparing for a scolding when my parents come to Shanghai. ;O; Meep... Okay, enough rubbish. It's a boring entry, I know. ^-^ Sorry about that, will try to blog something... Erm... More philosophical next time. XD Ciao~! By the way, Happy Birthday to Marcus again and Happy Birthday to Che Min who's B-day is tomorrow! ^_________^

Hee... Sorry I haven't been updating for such a long time, busy training my Wizard in RO. *pokes additional section* Now that I can't really play RO, I'll have more 'free time' so I can blog. ^^; Finished homework too early, finished reading Samuari Girl too early. What to do now? Don't dare to play RO even though my parents had just left for ChangZhou again, really really feel like sneaking into my account and start training my future Dancer and Priest... Haiz... Never mind, 9 days holiday coming very soon, hopefully there won't be much homework, then I can train my characters like mad. =_=; That's the only good thing about holidays now. I don't like holidays, really really dislike holidays. My brain feels soggy and dead after 4 days of holidays only, imgaine a two month summer holiday. God. Help.

It suddenly occurred to me that it's easier to accept your own death than to accept death around you. At least that applies to me. When one's dead, you won't know anything, you won't care about anything, you can't care about anything for that matters. It's the people around you that's crying, griefing and all those stuff. It's the people who love you who suffers. So why be afraid of death? It's just, death. Death is nothing. Nothing is death. Because when you're dead you've got nothing, think nothing, see nothing, feel nothing. Just, nothing.

Don't misunderstand, I'm not having any thoughts about death or anything, the thoughts just came you know... People are afraid of death because they don't want to leave their possessions, their money, their wealth, blah. If you're really dying, would you really care about those stuff? Would you really think these stuff matters? I think the person is hopeless if he/she is still thinking about money before his/her death. It's down right stupid. Money can buy you pleasure, yes; money can buy you a better living environment, yes; money makes life easier, yes; money can buy you the things you want, yes; money can buy you face, yes. So? Money can buy you family? Money can buy you true friends? Money can buy you true feelings? Money can buy you a true self? Money can buy you true love? Money can buy you a life? No. One big fat no.

I know people would say," If you dislike money so much, give me your money loh!" That's not my point, my point is just that money is not the most important thing in life. It cannot buy you the most important things in life.

People are afraid of death because they don't want to leave their loved ones. This I understand, surely everyone knows this. If you really love someone, love your family, of course you want to stay by them forever and ever. But is that possible? Surely no one is unaware of the fact that people eventually dies. Every single person living, will die one day, some day, but eventually, die. Simple, straightforward, easy to understand. Yet difficult to accept.

You won't feel like it's your business if someone you hate died or someone you don't know died, right? It's none of your business because you have no feelings for that person, because you don't know that person. We treat it like, nothing, like something normal that happens everyday. Like car accidents. Until one day someone you love and care dearly leaves you, then sudden it hits. Everyday, there are people who passed away, with people who loves the person crying their hearts out. Just because you don't know that person and you don't care doesn't mean it isn't happening. It's just whether you let it affect you or not.

That's what I've been feeling, have felt, have realised. Death is happening everywhere. There's nothing to be scared of. Because it'll happen to everyone. And someday it'll be my turn. You must think I'm crazy to think about these stuff when I'm a normal Secondary 2 student, 13, young and life has just started. But, at least I'm trying to accept facts around me, right? Hey, call me a sadist, call me crazy, you can't deny what I've said is true.

Sometimes I really wonder if there really is life after death. My grandmother, mother, father, my grandfather's close friend, they've all dreamt of grandfather. Except me. Logically, I'm very close to my grandfather, so I should be getting dreams about him, right? So why aren't I having any dreams like my family? Is it because I don't believe in life after death? Or what? I don't know if I'll feel freaked out if I really do dream about my grandfather, but I know I feel perplexed that I don't.

I miss my grandfather, I really really do. And recently, I don't know why, I keep thinking about him. I don't know for sure if it's good or bad. But I know I haven't been sleeping very well lately. And every morning I have to literally drag and hual myself out of bed because I feel like I've just ran the marathon or something. Quite ridiculous considering I haven't been staying up late or sleeping late, in fact I've been sleeping earlier than usual. Maybe I'm mentally unblanced too. ^-^;

Ok, let's switch topic. Yesterday I got back my term MYP results, and let my parents sign it, and then I was called for a "talk". Apparently they aren't very satisfied with my marks. Honestly, I'm not satisfied with it either. I guess my grades did slip a little. It's already bad I'm not improving, it's even worse I'm slipping down. So, yea, that's why my parents say I should start revising for my year end exams in June now. Frankly, I've never tried revising for my exams this early. I know some people start revising this early, like, Audrey. But honestly I'm not that kind of person to start revising this early... Not my style, I'm a procrastinator. Lol, talking about stlye when I'm supposed to just do anything, everything to get a good grade. So I've gotta start writing up notes and read more educational stuff... Yea...

So now I'm going to start be studious and be a good student? I wonder how. Gotta find out how. ^-^; Life is finding a balance between everything you do, be a balanced person. I wonder when I can acheive that.

Been a while! ^-^; I'm very very sorry, but honestly there really isn't anything I can blog about...

I realise it's getting harder and harder to talk with my grandmother for a long period of time. It's not like I dislike her or anything like that. It's just that... She reminds me of my grandfather. No matter what, I just can't wave away the dark shadow about my grandfather. It just stays, somewhere in the corner of my heart. It's not possible for me for forget my grandfather, unless I get amnesia, which I definitely don't want. And whenever I'm with my grandmother, I have this... weird feeling I cannot explain. And it makes me act unnormal, in the sense that I behave not the way I should behave or want to behave. As if some voice in the head was controlling me.

I don't know when this kind of feeling start, all I know is that I want to get rid of it. I don't know how, but I'm going to try to get rid of it. I don't want to hurt my grandmother unintentionally with my words, even if it's not on purpose, it still hurt. I don't know what got into me but I've been having a terrible attitude towards my grandmother. I really don't know why I'm getting into quarrels with my grandmother sometimes. Half way through the argument, I'd be thinking," What are we arguing about?? " It's just not right. The feeling is not right. What was I doing?!

Like a few days ago, we argued, and then I started crying. I was behaving like... Totally insane. Like I was talking like another person. Felt like shouting and screaming. Mentally unstable, yea...

I couldn't stop thinking about how would things be like if my grandfather is still alive. There's no point thinking about it I know. And it won't make any difference or whatever. But I still think about it, still wonder about it.

I'm not sure how much I've changed, or if I've changed for the better or for the worse. My grandmother said I becoming "bad". It's not surprising she'll say that since I did treat her like as if I've gotten no education. I don't know why, really don't know why.

I hope this will just be for a temporary, because I'm really really sick of arguing. Sick of trying to act normal when I don't know what is normal. Sick of myself being so immature and ridiculous. Tired... Will try to blog tmr...

Fast update? XD Get real, been a while~ Not much to talk about, I've been a bit off track these few days. Actually I mean, I've been thinking off track, my logic had left me for a holiday - or at least I hope it's for a holiday. O_o; *gets twacked* Having the bad humour disease... +_+;

Haiz... So much to think about, but I don't want to think about it. Really don't want to think about it. Why think when I can't solve the problem or come to a conclusion right? Or you can say my mind is being really, really lazy. Either way, I'm at the stage where my thoughts are all automatically prevented from developing into complicated thinkings. So therefore, no 'philosophical' stuff from me, not yet. Just rubbish, rubbish, and more rubbish. +_+

Complicated things are actually very easy and straightforward; and easy straightforward things are actually very complicated. Maybe I don't make sense now. Someday in the future that sentence will make sense. Some point, some day. So from now one, I need to make complicated things simple and simple things complicated. O_o; Heck, that doesn't sound very right.

As I've said, I'm talking excrement, so never mind... I hope talking too much excrement will not eventually chase my logic away permanently... O_O; Uhh... Hope not.

It's funny how people expect that others will treat him/her like God when he/she don't spare a thought for other's feelings. Be a jerk and wonder why people are ignoring him/her and thinking he/she has done nothing wrong. Humans beings are funny creatures. Mind you, that includes me too. I'm no alien. ^^;

It's funny how people always want many more in return than what they give; it's funny how people always think they are better than others when they've never really tried to work hard... Of course, doesn't apply to everyone, don't bash me up. ^-^; It's funny how people can be so black-hearted, to poison and kill as if it's nothing. Life if funny. With a tint of irony.

I like irony, because it's everywhere, always existing, always there. Life is ironic, every cause and effect is ironic. Irony is good, because it's worth thinking about. Ok, whatever, something's very wrong with me today. ^-^; [Note:: Actually something's wrong with me everyday]

It's April already~ w00t... So fast, reminds me that the year end exams are coming... o_o Nooooooo... I'm so dead~ I'm always dead, I realise... XD Either way, I feel like my grades are dropping lower, lower and lower. Especially my maths and chinese, and my chinese is the most obvious, I feel like I don't know so many words! It feels totally horrible... >;<

I really don't have much to blog about... +_+; *yawn* Lack of sleep, dark eyerings!!! >_< Bleah... -0-; Anyway, our chinese teacher was discussing with us about whether truth should be told. It really have to depend on the situation, and of course how's the truth is like. Not all truths can be told, that's why there are white lies. I'm not encouraging white lies, after all, no matter what's the cause, it's a lie. But some truths should just be buried if you know it's going to make a negative big effect.

It's ironic to think that parents always expect us to be honest with them about everything and yet they tell us there are some truth that we shouldn't tell others. So when do I know when to tell the truth and when not to? +_+ Haiz, life is a mystery, I doubt I can ever solve it. So Truth + Lies = Life. Ironic, I know, but it's true, I guess. I don't believe that no one never ever said a single lie. Many people hates liars, but are they sure they've never lied? Of course, there are lies for good cause and bad cause... Lying to put someone in misery or trouble is not right, of course. Never mind, I really don't have much to blog... So, yea, Truth + Lies = Life. ^-^; Soooo short...

*hides under table* Okay, this is to prevent anyone from throwing rotten tomatoes, or eggs, or whatever at me. I know I've been neglecting my blog, but don't kill me, because I'm just about to blog. >=D Like as if anyone would really care if I don't blog. XD

Either way, time to blog! This weekend is busy~~~ Let's see how much homework I have on my hands now. History - drawing borders for a "page" in a Medieval time book; history notes - mind map; writing a letter as St. Benedict to a neighbouring monastery. English - essay 3, debate topic: Is social stability more important than individual freedom? Maths - maths game project!!! Evaluation + many many many many questions. X_X And what else... Revision for science test. Doesn't sound much? It's actually a lot. @___@ And plus the fact that I've now started playing RO... >=D Right now I'm really itching to go into the RO world to relieve some stress. But I know I'll never be able to finish my work if I play RO now. So... self control, self control... >-<

I really really love the colours in RO and the sound effects and blah. The sceneries are really really beautiful too. I literally felt I was in the game too. But if that was true, I'd have died more than 10 times already. XD It's really fun lor~ [Has noticed that I've used "really" a lot of times. +_+;] I'm a Magician already~~ ^0^// I'm not going to tell you why my levels rise so high if you do not know already. :3

My aunt's coming to Shanghai on Wednesday... I think. So I doubt she'll let me play RO, if she ever catches me playing, I'll be half dead. X_x; So let me pray that she'll be out of the house most of the time... =_=; Which is... so not likely. *sigh* Qing Ming's on the coming Sunday... I've been feeling sort of down. I've been thinking that, maybe it's really is a good thing for grandfather to pass away. Because I know he isn't truly happy. And now I know that he himself wanted to end his pain and also our pain soon. So why did he tell me that he really wish he can see me graduate from university? So why did everyone in the family made me think that it's not as serious as it seemed? I really don't know. And maybe I don't want to know. Some things should just stay the way they are... Everytime my grandmother picks up a topic about grandfather during meals, we'll all go silent. Honestly, who will know what to say? Probably just my mother. But I don't. I really don't know what to say. I wonder, if grandfather did get well, what could be the things that will change? But I'll never find out... I guess...

Back to... Dreamworld. When I decided to play RO, Tsu Ern asked me, why did I decided to play RO? So I came back and asked myself the same question. Is it because of *omit*? Or is it because I want to be someone else in the game? Where people won't come and tell you what's wrong and what's right, what should be done and what should not be done. I dislike people telling me what I should do, or what I shouldn't do. Because I have enough common sense. But now, I realise, I do not know what to do anymore. I don't know what is right behavior and what is wrong behavior. I don't dare to do and say what I want to anymore. I know my parents would suggest to think about consequences of the action, I did, last time. But it's really too exhuasting. So now, I refuse to think. And I refuse to do anything. Because I can never be wrong if I don't do anything right?

Anyway... So in RO, I can probably be "myself". Where no one really knows me - except my classmates - and I can do things I'll never dare to do in my real life. So... yea, maybe that's part of the reason why I'm playing RO now.

Oh yaaaaaayyyyyyyy~!!! The 'intellectual' debate is finally over!!! ^0^/ I must say it's intellectual because Mr. Lim would be insulted if I say it's stupid, or dumb, or whatever. XD I'd have to admit it's a fun experience, during the debate anyway. But not the information collecting and script writing part. I managed to finish the script during lunch... Wahahaha! Lunch! It's like only 2 hours away from the actual debate... >=D I'm such a slacker~

Anyway... The debate was quite fun, an enjoyable experience actually. I was actually very nervous when I was watching my friends cause my motion was the last. But when I was really on the stage. I wasn't nervous anymore. I was really unorganised, papers flew all around when I was trying to find the rebuttal paragraphs. XD I spoke for so long during the open debate my friends thought I was reading my final script. XD Wahaha... And my conclusion really really suck~ :3 And I made a very, very, fatal mistake. ^-^; At least that means my group would have a lower chance of winning, and lower chance of doing another debate! w00t~! No debates for me any recently... I'll die, literally... ~_~

Lately I feel like time is really flying. It's just so fast... One year in SSIS had passed just like that. It felt just like yesterday. Yet so many things had happened. Time is an amazing thing. I always don't appreciate it though. Always never realise how precious it is. Until recently.

Adults had always been telling me how precious time is yada, yada. Last time I didn't mind. I like time to pass fast, the faster the better. Because I want to grow older. Now, it's different. I wish time passes slowly. The slower the better. But I can't control time. It slows down for no one.

I realise it's really hard to define things nowadays. Even happiness seem like a hard word to define. Why does simple things seem so complicated? Why does knowing more makes one even more confused? Why is it so hard to make something stay forever?

Because it is life. There's no why. That seemed like the only reasonable thing I can come up with now. Well, it's not really reasonable, but it explains the most.

I'm very satisfied with life now. I don't like big changes. I don't want to change. But I can't control. My parents say one must never get too satisfied with what one have at the moment. Why can't I? I am satisfied, I am happy.

I'm a very, very lucky and fortunate person. To be frank, from primary school until now, I haven't really met with any big problems. Just small, minor ones. Life's been fair to me. Pretty fair. I've been thinking, when will my luck run out? I know, I'm pessismistic thinking about such stuff. But I can't help it. It feels a little weird to hear others around me have so many problems and yet I don't. My problems are just so minor, so small. It's a kind of fortune. Really. Or maybe I don't have problems. I don't really have problems. So what will happen when I sudden meet with a big problem? Can I take it?

In my parents' eyes I'm not a responsible person enough to take care of myself. Actually it isn't because I can't do it, but because I don't want to do it. Selfish me, yea. I've really changed a lot. I used to want a pet. Any furry pet. But because my parents say I won't be able to take care of the pet since I can't even take care of myself, so I didn't really get a pet. Now, I realise maybe it's not really moral to have a pet. Especially a bird or something. Birds are supposed to be free. Why keep them in the cage? Then when I'm young, I always wished to have a double-decker bed. Don't know why. Just found it very fun. But I've never had one, until now. And now when I see double-decker beds, I don't have the urge to have it anymore. Because I've grown out of it?

And my liking for songs changed a little bit too. Last time I prefer English songs. Now I listen to chinese songs more often and prefer chinese songs. Maybe because of Jay Chow and blah. Still, these changes are the most obvious I can say about myself. -0-; To be frank again, I don't think I know myself well.

Catherine asked me," Have you ever had the feeling that you don't know youself?" Something like that. I was excited. Because someone was feeling the same way as I've always been feeling! And then I thought, maybe a lot of people are feeling that way. Still, it was a little bit of a comfort.

Maybe I'm a bit fake. I do things not according to my true feelings. Yet, I always tells myself it's right because it's the best choice for myself and others. I don't understand. I say I believe all relationships between people and people are built on trust. But truly, how many really are? To quote someone - I forgot the name: If everyone tells the truth, then truth would be something not appreciated. Makes enough sense.

My mother always says that there must be 'bad' people, so people would truly identify the 'good' people. It's the contrast thing. But is it really necessary? Maybe it's the human nature to let people think highly of one. I still don't think everyone is viewed an equals in the world now. Some people still think they are more superio than others. Others still think they are a level lower than others. The society can never be truly equal I guess.

Whee~ Long time no blog, ok, not that long, but still, quite a few days already~ Has been very very very busy these days, for real. We're having ProjectWar, or so I call it the ProjectWar, PW for short. XD Every day has been pretty eventful, projects are not bad things, but annoying when there's a bit too many to cope with. At least now both history and maths project has been delayed~ Horray! ^0^ Nice teachers... *-* Such a hyprocrite, one moment I'm saying the teachers are evil, the next moment I say they are kind and nice. XD

I really really dislike summarising information, especially when I have 30++ pages of word document to summarise. @_@ And we're supposed to come up with our debate script by tomorrow. Great... And rehearsal is on Thursday. >_<; I'm so nervous about this debate, after all, the first 'formal' debate I've ever prepared for and is going to have. And we're going to do it in the auditorium, freaky. But it's getting involved that counts right? I'm not having big confidence of winning, I, after all, have bad organising skills. Just a bit relived to have at least finished Alexander's script in school~ Although he's only able to talk about very little information... 3 minutes for each person is way not enough. For me, anyway. I have 4 minutes, but I doubt it's enough. Why do we need 4 minutes to wrap up anyway? Can't we have 4 minutes to speak for each person and have 3 minutes of wrap up? X_X Haiz... I know all the points are organised in a very messy way, actually, I didn't even bother to organise it properly. Too little time, too much things to do.

My last resort is to stay up late on Thursday night, and that's the only night I can stay up late because my parents are here until Thursday, if I'm caught, I'm dead, simple. I believe Gal will be able to do her part properly. And Alexander's problem is solved - very easily I might add - and now it's my own. 4 minutes... Not enough!!! >_<

And the open debate... Ugh... It's definitely my worst nightmare... I suck at on the spot reactions, really suck at it. Gonna make my mind work fast, snap! Then I'll get an answer to counter-attack. But unfortunately, my mind is slow. So I've gotta do more work on planning my counter-attack. Hopefully the other group won't come up with points that I didn't even think of. x_x;

I know life isn't fair, so I'm not going to start with "Life is so unfair!". -0-; Well, seems like everyone has talents except me. Really. I don't have any single talent, not musically inclined, not especially good in academics, not good at drawing, not good at physical education... I've got nothing. o_O; I'm not going to start saying I'm useless cause I always tell people no one's useless. X_x; I'm not even good at anything in particular, so where comes "talents"?

If I'm being optimistic, I'd say, without talents is actually a virtue. o_O; But I'm not feeling optimistic today, so I'm going to say "I SUCK!!!" >_________________<

If I continue with the "talents" thing I'll feel too depressed to do anything else. So I'll stop. ^-^;; I just remembered my English Essay 2 is dued tomorrow... And I lent my Brave New World to Alexander... Now I don't even understand the question. Darn it. ;O; I've been spending most of the time on the debate topic and neglected BNW... Forgot most parts of BNW... x_X; Haiz...

w00t~ Long time haven't blog... ^-^; Actually, I'm really too busy to blog... @_@ So many projects to do... *sigh* But I decided to relax for a while, so here I am~! ^-^;

I don't really have much to say, everything in my mind now is about the projects. English, D.T, maths, debate, maths, english, D.T, debate, english, D.T, debate, maths... @_@ It's so frustrating... I can't deny that I learnt quite a lot from the research of the debate, but it's all so rushed and everything. I couldn't possibly absorb much information if I don't even have the time, right? If teachers really want us to learn, they should give us more time to actually read it and understand it, right? It's like... The teachers think we're all geniuses, we can do so many things are the same time and still produce very high standard products. Then they might as well ask us to run continously around the world or something, we'll die eventually.

I'm not saying that the teachers really wants us to die or something, but it's really really hard to do so many things at the same time... I really feel like splitting myself into many parts and do all of them at the same time. But I can't. And I really feel like dozing off during lessons, cause I feel so sleepy.

Anyway, back to the title. Another interdiciplinary project - debate. At least it's with our classmates, so at least it won't be that scarey. But Mr. Lim says the S1 and S3s may be watching it, and that's like so freaky. I don't want to debate in front of them! Haiz... But no choice I guess, the debate would be conducted during next Friday's MYP time.

My group's motion is: Should abortion be legal? And we're opposition, meaning, our point is that abortions should be illegal. I'm not going to say much about it on my blog, cause the other group might see my points. XD At first when I knew the motion, there were more reasons why it should be legal than illegal. Now that I did more research, I'm really glad I'm on the illegal side. Abortion is so inhumane! It's sick... Really. Every human has the right to live, even a baby! The mother and father cannot decide to kill it just because they are the ones with problems! The baby is perfectly innocent! It's not their fault that they are your child. And since all laws are saying that everyone should have their own rights and blah, a baby has his rights to live too. So you can't have abortions.

At first I thought abortion would be a quick, painless and clean operation. But now I realise that some operations at the later stages, babies could be born alive, and they just leave them to die! How cruel can that get!? And it already have bones, heart is pumping and brain's developing! The baby has thoughts! He knew he's going to die, to be killed. Honestly, why isn't it a crime to abort a baby? You are killing it! It should never be legal! And leaving it to die is just... murder. Isn't it?

If people say the mother has the right to do whatever she wants to the baby when it's inside her body. Fine, then why is it a crime to commit suicide? The baby doesn't belong to the mother just because he's inside the mother's body. It doesn't mean the mother can decided his life and death for him. No way. And how many mothers actually liked it after they aborted their baby? It is their babies after all. Many mother had physiological problems after abortion, and a high percentage of them would advice other mothers not to have abortion. Because they know how painful it is, both to the body and to the mind. And many died from abortion, too. She could be murdered by the abortionist, or bled to death, or others. And many health problems could occur too. I shan't go further, I'm spilling all my points out. o_O;

If abortion continues to be legal, many successful people in the future could be killed. If abortion was present in the old days, many scientists could be aborted already. I'm not just joking around. Who knows? Who knows if your child would become a famous person in the near future who would do big contributions to the world? And what happens if you aborted the child? And if you're religious, you should understand that God blessed you with the ability to have the child, and it's a sin to kill the baby. Yes, kill.

Even people who were raped. It's destiny I guess. It's destinied that you'll have a child. People say, haven't the woman already suffered enough after the rape? Yes, morally, the child shouldn't come to Earth. But the child is innocent. He didn't do anything to hurt the mother, he didn't chose to come to this world in this kind of situation. Why the baby? Why should he die? Just because the adults did something wrong, he shouldn't deserve to die.

Maybe the baby wouldn't have a happy life. But he's got a taste of life. Maybe he would hate his life and wished he hasn't been born. But Fate has been decided, we shouldn't go against nature. Science was supposed to help people, not doing unmoral and inhumane tasks like abortion.

Ughh... I've talked too much. Hopefully the other group won't see this... o_O; Alright, gtg finish up the other stuff... Bye!

Sound familiar, Hikari? o.o; We've just learnt a chapter in Chinese called " Real Happiness ", it's actually "xing4 fu2" in chinese but I think it as 'Real Happiness', don't ask me why. XD Probably because Hikari wrote a story called "Real Happiness". Annyywaaay, we are supposed to write a composition with this title too. *siiiiiiiiiiiigh* I like compositions, and I like this title, but I can't write. I need to clear my thoughts first before I can write. Cause it's complicated and confusing.

When our chinese teacher told us to define real happiness with a few sentences, I wrote: "Happpiness is when I do things for others, and when I know what I do benefits others, and when I see that the things I do can make people around me, the people I love to be happy and happy."

Then I listened to other people's definition of real happiness, Catherine's was similar to mine, and I guessed she'll probably write that. Anyway... Most of the others were about being able to have what what what what... And then I thought, what do I want? What do I want to feel happy? When I'm young, sweets, chocolates, ice-cream, toys, perfect solutions to unhappiness. But things aren't that simple now. I can't be happy just because I have sweets and candies. Probably additional happiness, but not the basis. I guess I need a caring family, with love, with family memebers that care for each other and is willing to give and not just take; I don't want popularity, just a normal social life; friends that can understand and accept me as who I am; I need a stable live, living in a stable world; I need not worry about food and shelter... ... Actually that's all unnecessary... If one can learn to accept all unhappiness in life, the person will be happy and he/she will feel fortunate!

I keep thinking in different directions, this is not going to work out... People who are born retarded can be happy too, they can have real happiness too, because their definition of real happiness is different. They need someone to care and love them, and if there is, they're happy, they've found their real happiness. What is mine? What is my desired happiness? I am happy now, I feel fortunate. But I keep wanting more. Humans are like that isn't it? I'm never contented, even when I keep telling myself I'm already very fortunate.

I'm not an orphan, I don't know how orphans think, I can only show them sympathy. But it doesn't help them with anything at all. And because I don't know what they want, I can't help them... And now I can't help myself. Because I don't know what I really want. Or is it because I've got everything I really need already?

My parents had already said I'm very fortunate, compared to them at my age. They couldn't have anything they want, they frequently walked instead of taking transport, they didn't have air-conditioners, they don't have computers and won't be allow to use it, they rarely watched the television... ... The list goes on, and indeed, kids nowdays are fortunate, waaay more forunate. But then, I still can't come up with a definition of "fortunate" and "real happiness"... Because, everyone sees it a different way, right? And when I think I'm fortunate in my situation, other might not think so. And, it seems that people wants to have things that they don't have and others have, it's human nature, I know. And it's not such a 'good' human nature. The more you can't get it, the more you want it. It's so true.

I was happy. I was fortunate. I had real happiness. And so am I now. My real happiness depleted when my grandfather passed away. My parents and grandmother had been trying to make it up to me, even though it's not their fault at all. It's nobody's fault. And because I don't live in a utopia world, there must be death. So I must learnt accept it. Every now and then, I will ask myself, how much am I hurting now? How much am I improving? And I realised, the more I avoid talking about my grandfather, the more emotional I get if I talk about him, or think of him. It's unavoidable. And I'm failing myself.

I know I'm not a strong person. But I though I could accept the fact well. How naive. To think that I can really be strong and accept it like my parents thought I could. They don't know how I think deep inside. And honestly, I don't want them to know. Why burden them with my childish thoughts when they already have so much to worry about? They have hard lives, and I'm not going to make it even harder than it already is.

Sometimes I really don't know what I really want. There's always urge to have something. But as time passes by, I'll realise I'm still fine without it. It's materialism. But not neccessarily means that one is rich, one will be happy, right? Because every one needs care, love from others, and also a warm heart. I believe people become cold hearted when they've been through too many experienced where people are cruel and behaves inhuman. No human is born with a cold heart.

I don't know how I'm going to write the chinese composition, not even a slight idea is in my mind now. Writing compositions had never been such a pain, and now it's becoming worse and worse. I'm hopeless! Feeling so frustrated, I better stop blogging...

Right, this entry is actually a sort of mock essay for my English Assignment. Remember the Dead Poets' Society? We watched the ending, and it's so touching! [Even though Joanne says it's dumb, I still think it's touching! X3] I was on the verge of crying, but I figured I would not stop if I've started, so I controlled. And surprisingly, the control worked. XD

Anyway, another part of our English assignment is to read this book called Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. The weirdest book I've ever read. O.o; Really. I really don't know how to describe it, because different people view the book from a different angle, and the comment about the book would be different. So I will not comment. ^-^; Personally, I like this book because it made me have strong emotions when reading it. It actually made me really mad [not that crazy "mad". XD], and well... It arouses strong emotions, it really does.

The book's theme is just the opposite of The Dead Poets' Society movie's theme. DPS encourages people to 'find their own voice' and live life passionately. While in Brave New World, people think the same, do the same, without passion, without strong emotions, because of stability - so called "emotionally easy". There's this Soma thing, a kind of medicine I guess, that people take in the story when they are thinking about things that they aren't suppose to or when they are happy. Because everyone's supposed to be happy.

Babies are 'born' in bottles. Grouped into Alpha, Beta Gamma, Delta and Epsilon, Alpha being the highest. Different scientific treatments are done to the embryos for different standards, for Alphas should be the most intelligient and Epsilons are workers. For example, Delta babies were presented with flowers and colourful books. While the babies are facinated with them, the nurses will send electric shocks to the babies and explosions. Once the experiment is carried out frequently, in Delta babies's minds, books and loud noises, flowers and electric shocks will be connected. Clever ain't it?

Sleep-teaching has been proven to be the best teaching method in the story. During Beta babies's afternoon sleep, a special recorded message would be played repeated while they sleep. Part of the message is like this:

"Alpha children wear grey. They work much harder than we do, because they're so clever. I'm really glad I'm a beta, because I don't work so hard. And then we are much better thn the Gammas and Deltas. Gammas are stupid. They all wear green, and Delta children all wear light brown. Oh no, I don't want to play with the Delta children. And Epsilons are even worse. They're too stupid to be able to read or write. Besides, they wear black, which is such an ugly colour. I'm so glad I'm a Beta..." [Hey! I like black! XD]

And the message continues. Of course, Epsilons, Deltas, Gammas and Alphas babies would be listening to another type of message. Anyway, interesting isn't it?

Imagine life like that, no parents - to them, giving birth is a 'disgusting' thing - no strong emotions, many, many, many sex partners [*cough*just stating a fact*cough*], without diseases, youth lasts till you're so old you die[that means you'll always look like an young adult even if you're 50+], depending on Soma, and personally I might add, living like the dead. There are pros and cons in everything. I guess there is stability, but it's just not "life" to me anymore.

But since they've never experienced life with passion, they wouldn't know, to them, they think the new world with Henry Ford as their "Lord" is the perfect world which everyone is happy. [The message that "Everyone is happy." has also been repeated ever since the children are five.] What do you think? Do you like living life with passion, or living the Brave New World? With so-called, no pain, no suffering, no illness, no nothing. Pure enjoyment.

Obviously, you can see that I support the DPS's theme. [If this statement had shocked you as you thought I support the BNW, shoot me. >_<;] What's life without passion, without love, without strong emotions, without genetic bonding? [Hey... Did I just came up with a definition of life? o.o;]If people are happy in the BNW, are they truly happy? I don't know, at least I won't be. I'll rather have pain, hurt, dilemma, illness, death rather than life in BNW. So what I've learnt from this assignment is that I need to learn to accept and appreciate pain, hurt, dilemma, illness and death. Because a life with passion will be like that. And if I lived my life with passion I will experience pain, hurt, dilemma, illness and death. And I mustn't regret.

I don't want to die and realise I've never actually lived. Because I don't believe in life after death, I believe there's only once chance to live for everyone. Life cannot be called short, I know. But what can we really do in our life? Not many people will become scientists, great successful businessman or whatever. So what do normal people do in their lives that doesn't make them seem like they've lived for nothing? Well, I don't know, but I want to know. It seems difficult, but at the same time it seems easy. You just need to have set a certain target for yourself and when you've reached it, you've done something in life that's worthwhile? -_-;

I'm tired... Tired of thinking about life. But I can't stop, because for as long as I live, I know I'll continue pondering about it. Actually I've been asking myself. Why bother? I don't know. It's a waste of time sometimes, I know. Because I spend time talking rubbish on my blog and in the end, nothing in my life has changed. But I think I at least gain something, even if it's something very minor. Okay, I know I'm drifting away from the topic again...

The whole point is, to live life with passion? I guess everyone has a different definition of passion. I'm not too clear about the definition of passion. And I don't know if I have enough passion to be called a passionate person... but I'm trying... XD But passion means strong emotions right? I guess I do have strong emotions, perhaps too strong sometimes... And I cannot deny the fact that it will bring pain, hurt... *continues, refer to upper paragraphs, too lazy to type*. But as I've said, I should not regret. To live life to the fullest, is to live with passion. And I shall do just that. XD Riiiight... This entry is weird~ And I think it's enough. Till next time! ^0^

"Carpe Diem" means "Seize The Day!" Quoted from the Dead Poets' Society. Anyone watched that movie before? I know, it's really old, but for English class, we're watching this movie, so... Don't blame me for being out-dated. XD Anyway... This phrase is like, stuck to my mind. Can't get rid of it. I find it really meaningful, it made me thinking again.

I think it means that we need to grab opportunities and take chances/risks and do the things we want do do, while we can. But what can I do to seize the day? If I were to ask my parents, I'm sure their answer would be," Your only job now is to learn, and suck up as much knowledge as possible - like a sponge." I'm fine with studying, I'm trying, but... It just doesn't seem to get me very enthusiastic about it. Like, I'm feeling that I'm not studying because I want to get knowledge, but studying because my parents want me to. But it isn't supposed to be like that! At this age, I'm supposed to be all inquisitive and curious and keening for knowledge! But am I? What do I really want to do?

" Gather ye rosebuds while ye may." Quoted from Dead Poets' Society, too. It has about the same meaning. So, what are the rosebuds that I want to gather? What's my goal? Do I have a goal? What's my dream? Where am I heading? I don't know... So how am I supposed to seize the day? I want to seize the day, I want to make full use of every minute. But... Apparently, I'm not doing it the right way. I can't even find the correct path for myself.

Maybe because I've been doing too much evaluation work nowdays because of MYP, I'm starting to do a lot of reflection about myself. To think I've been making so many mistakes in my 13 years of living... I'm feeling so extremely guilty now. But it's too late isn't it? I'm always too late aren't I? I'm always treasuring and appreciating after I've lost it haven't I? I feel like I've commited so many sins, and I'm tainted with black marks. Not that I'm supposed to be pure and holy, but... I feel like I going through a obstacle course with a lot of holes, each hole I fall into represents a mistake, and I think I've succeded in falling into every hole I pass.

I'm always making mistakes aren't I? I'm always reflecting and feeling guilty only when it's too late ain't it? I've always been taking things for granted and is too ignorant to bother to do anything that is actually good for myself, isn't it? And actually what's the point of my reflection the mistakes I've made when it's all too late? Why? Why am I slowly becoming a selfish bitch, self-centered, ignorant, and acting like a know-it-all, pretending and acting all the while? And slowly buiding conflicts in myself and with others, what am I thinking? Which was the route I chosed that was wrong? I can't go back, I know, I can't possibly making any difference by blogging, I know. I'm a pathetic, self-pity fool, I know. And what am I supposed to do? Let myself sink further into the dark abyss I'm falling into?

I'm suddenly feeling really exhuasted. I know I complain too much. I know I'm a bad person. I know I'm fake. So what if I know? So what if I know and I'm still not bothered to do anything? Seriously, I'm really thinking I have some mental problems... Well, I know that after blogging this entry, I'll go to sleep, and by the next morning, I'll be back to the selfish, self-centered, ignorant, shallow, fake person to attend Catherine's birthday party at Tsu Ern's house. They won't notice a thing. Because I'm still the Xi Ying they think I am. But am I? I don't even know.

For MYP, the drama teacher was talking about masks. She mentioned invisible masks that people wears, that is, putting on emotions on our faces to hide other emotions. I used to think I wear a mask, just sometimes. But now, I think the problem is not so simple anymore. I'm not wearing a mask anymore. I'm just... Slowly, bit by bit, turning into someone I hate. I know it sounds dilemma to say that the 'someone' I hate is actually myself, but it's true. People will think I'm crazy after they read this entry. But I don't care. I'm tired of caring. But maybe... Just for today. Just for today...

I know I'm floating further and further away from the main topic, or maybe not... But as I've said, I don't care, and not like anybody will care, so never mind. At other times like this I would probably go write a pathetic song, but not today.

I have pathetic excuses don't I? I don't know if I have good acting skills or I'm too used to acting already. I don't know I prefer the me at home, or at school. But either way, I cannot stop being what I am in different situations. It has became a habit, something done automatically. I'm not worrying that I'm turning into a robot, because robots won't blog the way like I'm blogging now. I don't like the way I act in school, but I have to. It's for the benefit of everyone, and myself. No, I'm not somebody who sacrifices myself for others, I'm a selfish bitch. It's just that, I'm also someone who lives on attention. If I'm don't act how I'm supposed to act in school, I won't have what i have now, or so I think so. I'm already getting confused what I am supposed to be like, so of course others won't know what I really am and what I supposed to be. [Uh... Never mind that, I don't understand as well.] So I might as well stay the way I am now. Continue to get myself confused and sink deeper into the small little RPG game I play myself. I didn't lose my true self, I just found another one, a one which I despise.

I suddenly feel like laughing, not laughing because I find something funny, but laughing because I can be so ridiculous. And I think I've just proved the point that I'm selfish and self-centered. All I ever talk about is me, me, me. Had I thought that maybe others are having the similar problems when I was typing just now? Had I thought what my friends might think after reading this? That's how self-centered I can get.

I don't know why I'm making this blog entry so long when it makes the least sense. I'm not sure how I'm feeling now. I realise I don't know too much things. Or maybe ignorance is bliss...?

I think I've found another reason why I like Chinese lessons so much. Because the chinese teacher would ask us to voice out our opinions and views about certain topics. And I think I like that. And the only thing I enjoy about English lessons is when we have a mini debate in class. It's so fun. But in the end I'll get very confused and end up arguing for both sides as both sides makes sense. But then, things that makes sense to me doesn't mean it makes sense to other, similarly, things that doesn't makes sense to me may makes sense to others. That's why people have debates I guess.

I skip from one topic to another a lot huh? Anyway, I think playing RO would be good for me. Not make me good in my studies because I'll be just glad if it doesn't make my studies worse, but because I'll be spending my time in a fantasy world. Somewhere where I can do anything I want, the way I want it. I'm looking forward to it.

Heey... Maybe I should show Mr. Seow my blog so he can see my evaluation skills aren't only worth 1 level. But... On second thought, maybe not... =0=; I don't understand why teachers need to be so serious about everything. Don't they feel tired? They make us feel like we've just broke the law or something. I know sometimes it's our fault, but, some words just hurt prides. And teachers can't just treat us like shit just because we can't achieve good results. Just because some people don't excel in academy doesn't mean they didn't try at all, doesn't mean they don't have other talents. And by forcing them to study un-efficiently, the talents could be just lost! But... I guess all parents think studying is the most important thing, only after getting to a certain degree can one become a successful person in the future. I don't think that's for sure. There are more and more university graduates in the world. Jobs are hard to get nowadays. Even if you have really brilliant results and writes excellent essays and report, what's the use if you can't survive in the complicated world, without enough EQ and without knowing how to apply skills and learn to adapt to different situations? I don't think most schools give EQ lessons, do they?

Oo... I think I've really gone way overboard. I'm feeling a bit braindead now... And I think a big part of my angsty is used up already. I'm back to neutral. When two extremes are combined, we get a simple, yet nevertheless, depressing 0. That was what Shirley and Danyu wrote. I think I know what they mean now.

I give up, I'll stop typing... X_X; I'm currently very obsessed with many songs, but S.H.E's "He Bin Gong Yuan" is stuck in my mind for quite a long time. Gonna love the song~

Right, this title doesn't make sense. I'm just plain bored and realised that I haven't blog for a long time, so I'm blogging... Just... Ignore the title. XD

My computer is still not being 'obedient'... *sigh* I'm definitely going to re-install my Windows XP, but now I can't find the software! Ugh... Frustrating... If I still can't use MSN after I re-installed XP, I'll be tempted to smash my computer... X_X; So it'd better work.

Don't understand how the boys managed to persuade me into playing Ragnarok Online. -0-; They're good debaters? Naaww... I guess RO seems quite interesting, after all, so many people are playing it. o.O Even Joanne's playing, so I'm gonna give it a try. Though I bet I'll suck at it, when have I ever played computer games? Well... Not any that I remember. I hope my parents won't know I'm going to play RO, they'll probably give me a lecture or something. Now I'll just have to hope I'll have better self restriction and I won't get too addicted to it. X_X; But provided that my computer would be good enough for me to play RO...

Right, enough talking about RO... ^-^; Ugh... School is so tiring, I keep falling asleep on the bus these days... -0-; And my cold is not helping at all, I hate my nose... ><; And now I'm having a throbbing headache... *sigh* I need rest! ;o; Right...

Feeling so... bad-tempered these days... Feel like shouting... ><; Night comes really early in Shanghai... I personally perfer the day. Shanghai's night doesn't make me feel good. It's not totally black, it gives people a dusty feeling, and there almost aren't stars. And it's colder in the night, too. I perfer hot weather to cold weather, at least my fingers don't feel frozen... -0-;

I like silence. Now I can totally relate that 'Silence is Gold'. Silence is so beautiful... Too bad we rarely have silence in the class. Except during tests. -0-; Silence makes me feel calm, probably because I'm feeling rather annoyed these days. For what reason, I don't know.

Silent wish? Let's see if there's anything I can actually talk about my title. -.-;; Eh... Silent wish, a wish that will never be spoken? I think I have one, but I'm not sure... Silent Wish... Imagine if we can't talk at all, how would it be like? o_o; It'll be like torture wouldn't it? Yea, sure, they can learn typing and type... But... It's still not the same... Typing don't allow you to put your feelings and emotions into it fully, at least not as much as if it's spoken. But that also means it's easier to hide your feelings... ;o; Life is unfair to all those people who are handicapped, whether physically, mentally, blind, dumb, etc. How does it feel like not to be able to expression your feelings? That's so... Cruel... And it's so unfair... Or... Is it a blessing in disguise? But I guess I won't think this way if I'm the one who's handicapped. ><; *sigh* Feeling so depressed again. I never fails to make myself depressed. -0-; Gotta go~ Have to finish up homework, so I can get a good rest tonight... ~_~

I don't know when I've started to observe people. Not animals, not plants. Humans. I've just gotten the habit of observing people, as in, watching them from a distance and observe the way they talk and act and blah. I know it's not seriously something important, but I realise that after observing a certain someone for a while, I will start acting similarly like that person. Sometimes when I suddenly said something, I realise that I had observed someone else said the exactly the same thing in the same situation. What does that mean? Am I using bits and pieces of everyone's personality and character to create my own? Or am I trying to learn the characteristics of other people? I really don't know. And what startles me most is that, I actually like silence now. A lot. In fact I get really frustrated with noise in class. What happened to the me who like creating noise and shout and be crazy? Why do I suddenly like staying quiet? Or is it because most times I do not know what are the things to say that are appropriate?

I know I still talk quite a lot in school, and the reason is probably because I rarely talks at home. There's hardly anything to talk in home anyway, to who? To my parents who are in another city? And some how I realise they're always in a rather bad mood and won't bother to talk to me anyway. And another thing that I've started observing is my parents. the way they always point out each other's faults and quarrel over really minor things. And the different things they are interested in, the way they fight their silent war during meals. And it really makes me wonder, do they still love each other now? Like how they loved each other when they married?

I know I should be glad that I still have a happy family, at least my parents are still together, right? And that they are quite understanding parents too. But why do they always have to quarrel? Everytime they come to Shanghai to stay for a few days they would have verbal war. Sometimes big, sometimes small. Sometimes, like today, they don't talk to each other. And it makes me stuck in the middle. I don't know who is in the fault and who is right, because most times they are both in the wrong. What can I say? I'm just a child, I do not have the power to voice my opinions in this. I am not supposed to participate in adult affairs. So why do I care? Why does my heart feel so heavy when the family is eating meals in silence? Yea, sure, I don't mind the silence. But I mind when I ask my mom questions, she can chose to ignore me, but when she asks me a question, I must answer it. Because I am their daughter, therefore I have the responsibility to listen to whatever they say. And because they are my parents, they can always chose to ignore me.

Now I think I know why I don't like to believe in Fate. Because believing in Fate would mean that I believe that my life is controlled by Fate, and Fate only. But I don't. I honestly don't like being controlled. But now I've started to move slowly towards the direction of Fate and being under control, because life is about being controlled. And until I grow up - which in my parents eyes will never happen - I will be controlled. Maybe it isn't so bad to be controlled after all. At least someone's showing me the direction. All I have to do is to follow the path and walk down. Simple. Easy.

I know I'm a rule-follower person, I don't like breaking rules and earn scoldings, because I'll go nuts if I'll have to listen to someone lecture me and I can't defend myself at all. But following the rule is the only way to keep myself safe, all I have to do is to just follow. So maybe I would learn to enjoy being controlled. And I also know that when one day I really leave my parents, I would be the one regretting that I haven't been appreciating the things my parents had done for me. Controlled for me. Decided for me. So I don't have to worry about anything now.

I know I'm blabbling, and I don't really understand what I'm babbling about... But anyway... About love after marriage. I know that in olden days, people marry because their parents want them to. And sometimes there's 'blind marriage', you don't even get to see the person until the day you get married. Unfair? There's no choice of freedom. Now that we're in the modern world, people get to choose to marry the one they love. That's a good thing, right? Then why are there still so many cases of divorces nowdays? [I know, I'm not supposed to be thinking about these stuff now at my age but the thoughts just pops up! X_X; ] I'm really curious to find out how many couples actually still loves each other when they're already really old. I don't know how long love can last. Because it seems like people now get tired with each other rather easily. Or does divorces happen when both sides are too stubborn to let go a little bit? I'm sure if everyone just step back a little, people would get along better right? But apparently when one gets too close to another person, you'll see all the bad points of that person and you'll get disappointed? Olden marriages is first marriage then love. Modern marriage is, first love then marriage. In my own oppinion, I believe in "ri1 jiu2 sheng1 qing2" rather than "yi2 jian4 zhong1 qing2". Although you may have the best first impression of this person, he/she may out turn out to be who you might want them to be. But wouldn't it be really touching and romantic if one very old couple who love each other, hand in hand, walks by the beach to see sunrise and sunset? But how many couples can actually do that? Oh, I think I've been talking about things that are not related to the topic a lot these days... XD

Is being serious good, or bad? I know being serious and not serious in different situations would be the best, but it's really hard. So now I'm trying to observe and see when I should be serious and when should I not be. It's tiring I'd say. And also observing what are the things that can be said and what can't be said. Observing is a really great skill. XD Except that I seriously lack concentration. I always do a lot of things at the same time. Like homework + listening to music + reading stories + chatting. Probably. XD I can only concentrate on one thing if it's really urgent. Like projects that are due the next day... XP So my father says I need to learn how to focus my concentration on one thing only. But I like splitting my concentration slightly to distract me from homework or projects. I don't know if this method would work when I've grown up, but I find that it's easier for me to do two things at the same time than one thing only. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? @__@; Ahh... I think I've talked way more than I've intended to... XD Bye!

Do you believe in Fate? Do you believe that Fate controls what happened, is happening, is going to happen in your life? I used to believe that we can control our own lives, we can change what was destined, but now I believe in Fate. Whatever had happened, is happening, will happen is controlled by Fate. Maybe it's just an excuse, to say that whatever happens that we don't like is Fate's fault. And if everyone strongly believes in Fate, no one will be blaming themselves for causing the things they thought they had caused - because it's destiny?

I know that by the time I finished this entry, I would be feeling very confused - destiny is in our hands, or is it Fate? But I think I would choose to confuse myself even more. XD

Maybe I believe in Fate enough, I would be telling myself that I should not be sad when something unhappy happened because it's Fate, it's destiny. And then maybe I could head the meaningful saying - don't cry when it ends, smile when it happened. I guess this saying is true - no one is worth your tears, because the one who is, will not make you cry. But if that is so, why do people still cry? But most times, people cry for the one whom they thought is worth their tears, right? Ok, I know I'm getting further and further away from the topic, but my thoughts jumps a lot, so there. XD Fate wants everyone to meet a few wrong person, so we would know how to appreciate when we finally meet the right one. But it doesn't mean that the right one won't make us cry, yeah? @___@;;

I like staring into space. XD And think about nothing in particular, thinking is tiring, mental exhaustion is even worse than physical exhaustion. How I wish I could lay on a grass hill, preferbly during Autumn and just lay there for one whole afternoon~~!!! Aaa~~ *-* I would really really really love that. X3 But time is too precious to be wasted on daydreaming...?

I've been having quite a hard time trying to sleep these days, I mean, starting from the middle of the winter holidays. I don't know why I'll have trouble falling asleep, because I'm not stressed. So I find it really weird, though a few nights I would sleep quite well. And what made me want to write this here, I have no idea. XD

I'm curious about the future, though I'm also scared. I think that if I have to list all the reasons for feeling scared, I'd go on and on for quite a long time. o.O; So, anyway, I've said that I don't want to grow up - that is why I joined the Against Growing group. XD - one of the reasons would be because I'm unsecured about the future, my future. I know I should really be worrying about my studies now, but I feel like adulthood is so near, it's scarey to think about it. Okay, right, so I shouldn't think about it, and I will not think about it. XD *the desperate attempts to convince myself*

I know I said that I don't believe that anything is perfect. But my mother say I'm a perfectionist. Am I? She says I'm always too serious about stuff, eventually stressing myself out too much and ending up frustrated. Which is actually my own fault for being too serious and trying to make things perfect. I mean, why would I want to make things perfect is I don't believe in perfection? ... I don't know. Am I really a perfectionist?

I also don't know why I'm so serious about stuff. I've tried to let myself free from the boundaries of rules, tried to go against rules instead of following it. But did it work? It didn't. I don't know why I feel it's important to finish homework before it's due date. I mean, it should be the normal way right? But I don't understand why I can't even go to sleep if I haven't finish my homework yet. I could be like the others and let myself relax, not always thinking about finishing projects, but I can't do it. The tiny voice in my head will always be reminding me to finish up my homework before the due date. Never mind, I know this is a totally senseless and pointless post, because I'm in a weird mood.

I guess it's because rules are stricter in the schools in Singapore, I always end up scaring myself half-dead if I didn't manage to finish my homework, while in the end the teachers here decided to give us another chance instead. But somehow I always 'like' to force myself to finish it in the 'first chance'. In other words, I like torturing myself? Gawd, I think something is very wrong with me today...

But I'm glad there are people like Audrey around me to make me feel that I'm still quite sane about the due date thing. o_o; I think many people will be offended after reading this post. I don't mean to offend people but I'm really feeling very weird today. Very very very sorry. ;o;

I still don't believe in perfection, but it's human nature that I want my product - homework, projects - to be as good as possible. Right? Okay, I'm in conflict with myself. =_=; Gaah, forget it, this post is so confusing... @_____@;;

I didn't know MSN Messenger is so important to me, until now. XD Honestly, it has been pure torture that I can't go on MSN. ToT It's not fair! What is wrong with my stupid computer?! X_X And somehow, I can't even go to Bouken now. O.O Great, what's the point of coming online then? *siiiiiiiiiiiiigh*

It's already third day of school since school re-opened. I was lazy, hence I didn't update. Well, actually, what is there to update about? These few days had been boring. It's like... So few people. I don't know how it'd be like if the class is splitted up. Yea, sure, I don't really like big classes too much, but I don't feel like splitting.

Hopefully the new semester is going to be fun, I suddenly feel like I'm a zombie in school. Well, not today. After the crazy poking session before holidays, now we started the paper ball throwing war. Wheee.... Cardio Vascular Exercise! X_X Right. It was fun, but I was so breathless! XD Kenneth and Alexander... Watch out on Monday... *growls* XD Lol~~ the new students must have found it really weird as the class was really crazy. And I mean crazy... XD

To be frank, what worries me most now is the CNY performance. Che Min's coming to school on Monday, we'll have to practise, but... Would everyone's steps be coordinated? And Catherine's only coming back on Tuesday, and that's only two days before the performance. Will we be able to make everything fine before the performance? I don't know. I know I'm a worrywart, but I can't deny that I am worried about it. But I guess there's nothing I can do about it, except to hope for the best.

I'm curious about how the two new students are feeling, the guy seemed to be mixing quite well with the other guys. The girl seem to be the studious type to me... XD I guess I've got to try and know her better. Heck, I didn't even get her e-mail or whatever yet. But on the other hand, I doubt she actually even know my name... Probably... XD

I hope next week is going to be a better one. It's too cold in the gym nowadays to play basketball. Everyone is freezing cold. Brrr... I hope the weather is going to get better too... X3

It's snowing!!! Can you believe it!? I wouldn't believe it if I didn't see it with my own eyes! It's snowing in Shanghai!!! *boink* To think I thought it wouldn't snow this winter! *boink* X3 I was so excited! It's not like I've got lots of chances to see snow you see... ^0^! Ooooh... Now I love looking at the snow falling from the sky... So beautiful! Though it's not covering the roads or anything and actually looks like rain. But it is snow! Aaaaiii~~!!! ^-^! Beautiful beautiful snow! ^_____________________________________________^!

Uh... Right... This is a crazy blog entry I know... X3 But heck, I'm excited! Whee! *boink* Long long time haven't seen snow! *boink* Since I was 5 years old to be exact... *boink*

Aww... The snow seems to be dying down... T^T;; Oh well... I did see snow already... ^0^!

Ok... Nothing more to write... -_-||| Oh well... Cya! *-* The snow ish beautiful naaa.... X3

I'm back, with a new topic to blog about! ^-^; Credit goes to Hikari-chan for her new blog entry. [She moved Yuu[dot]Giri! The layout is awesome! *-*] Anyway, what the heck? I'm still a teenager, I'm not an adult yet! Not yet, but soon enough. 5 more years to go...? Yea, about 5 more years to go and me and my bunch of classmates will be young adults. w00t. 5 years. Long? Not really. Short? Not really.

When I was younger, I had absolutely zero knowledge about the 'Adult World', and at that time, I had always wanted to grow up faster and become an adult. Probably that's why I'm always extremely happy during my birthday. But now, I sort of know a little about the 'Adult World' and now I don't want to grow up. 5 years. To me, it seems really short.

Sometimes during the weekend, my parents would talk about work stuff. Yea, the "Business World'. It sounds, really not appealing. Do I want to step into it? No. Do I have to step into it? Probably yes. Do I have a choice? Not really. I remembered I asked my mum this question," How is being an adult like? " My mum said," You'll know when you've become one. " That doesn't really answers my question, but some how I've realised the world outside wasn't was good as I had thought when I was young. I honestly do not want to grow up. Being a teenager is much better, isn't it? Stress? Who doesn't have stress? Obviously, adults have much more stress than we do.

The 'Business World' is scarey, it really is. It's complicated, it's dangerous. Maybe it's because I've heard more of the bad side of it, maybe.

On second thought, since I have only 5 years until I become 18, shouldn't I enjoy myself now? And stop worrying myself about what I plan to do in the future? I've been trying, trying. But has it work? Not really.

Ever since Primary 1, teachers had given us composition titles such as: What do you want to be in the future? I had always disliked writing these kind of compositions. Why? Because I have no idea. It seems like everyone around me has their dream, has their goals. Do I? Not really. When I was in Pimary 1, I wanted to be a teacher. Guess the reason? Because I want to try reprimanding the students too. Evil and childish reason. Then it became, I think I have a better way of teaching than my former teachers. But actually, I'm not really interested in becoming a teacher. So what do I want to be now? A writer? Probably. Mind you, a Chinese writer. XD But on second thought, am I up to it? Nah, no. Then another idea, new reporter, journalist? But the same question came back again. I don't think I'm up to it.

It's pretty freaky to hear my parents discussing my university studying and whatever. Yea, sure, I'm only Secondary 2 now, but time pass really fast. And I mean really fast. I don't feel excited, or anxious. I feel fear. I don't dare, and don't want to step into the 'Adult World'. Because I know I am not as strong as I think I am, or appear as.

^-^; Oops... I think I've talked much more than I had intend to... Got to stop! Bye! ^-^

Bwahaha? o.O; ... If I compare the results with the other Personality Disorder Quiz I took, it's different. O.O;

Sometimes I wonder why I like taking quizzes so much, just because I want to find the real "me"? Maybe, maybe not. Or to determine whether I'm "normal" or "weird"? How to define these two words anyway? People say, "normal" people are people who aren't "weird", "weird" people are people who aren't "normal". Doesn't that go round in circles?

Maybe we can determine whether things that happen are weird or normal, but humans? How do you determine whether this person is weird or normal?

And since everyone is special, does that mean everyone is weird? Or are "weird" people the people who does things differently? But how do we know they aren't the normal ones while we are the weird ones? @__________________@;; Wait, I confused myself... XD

Humans like using descriptive words, except that the descriptive words are usally abstract. [If that is so, "abstract" is also "abstract"? @_@] Like "beautiful", "cute", "weird", "normal", "ugly" and blah blah blah. We use them everyday, but if we really ask someone for their definitions, is everyone able to come up with the same definition? No. Because we do not truly understand these words, or have the same opinion about them. So when A says B is beautiful, doesn't mean everyone will think B is beautiful, right? @________@... Uhh... What was my point?

Anyway... Enough of the confusing stuff... It's even more frustrating than the game Unscramble. XD Got to go! ^-^

Happy New Year~~!!! ^0^ A new year, a new beginning, better things coming up! ^-^

*hammer whacks her* X_X; I know... I've been neglecting my blog for ages. I was supposed to blog on January 1st but I was having dance practise at Catherine's house so... ^^; And the other days... Well, RPing, and messing around. o_o; I'm sorry!!! >_<;

Anyway, New Year resolutions! ^0^ Bwahahaha... Make them every year, but doesn't keep to all of them... X______X; I try, I'll try harder this year! ^^*

1) Be more hardworking, study harder and achieve better results! >_<; [Impractical. -_-lll]

3) Improve on self conduct, self behavior. Strive to be an overall better person. (Eg. Talk less, think more, work more. X_______X)

(.__________.) Anymore? I think I still have lots... But these are the basics. XD I truly doubt if I can keep to these, I almost have them in my list every year. X_____X;

Auuu... I don't know what I should blog about... @_@; Yea, out of topics to ramble about. X3 Got to go~~! Will blog when I've thought of a good topic. XD

Your element is Air. You are an artistic person
with a unique sense of style. You are
intelligent; although prone to wonder in
thought which, prevents you from paying full
attention to most things, constantly active and
most likely like to sing. Constantly moving the
air is a force of nature. One moment you can be
a breeze the next a tornado.

What's your element
brought to you by Quizilla

Eh..? Why are these results all the same as Joanne's? O.O;; Tee Hee... Anyway they're fuunnnnn!!! ^0^;

Annnyywaaayy, just read Hikari's blog entry and the extract - the one about clowns. XD It's very meaningful wor~~ ;O; Made me very emotional... X3 It's so... *sigh* Touching and sad... ;________; Actually since young, I have this phobia of seeing clowns. Because their faces are all covered and though they are always trying to make people laugh, some how they give me a creepy feeling. O_O; No offence, but I'm quite scared of clowns... ^-^;; And it's true that though they are clowns, always happy and laughing, they must have sad feelings and problems too. And they're not supposed to let their mood affect their jobs. It's quite cruel, isn't it? And who said people who are always happy and smiling on the surface don't have sad moments, can't have depressing thoughts?

Looks like this is a short entry too. ^-^; Happy New Year~~! Hope the year 2004 is gonna be a better year for everyone! ^-^

After reading Hikari's blog, I think maybe I should really stop babbling non-sense stuff in my blog and stop thinking about unpractical stuff. Maybe the whole point of me posting blog entries is actually trying to provide an abstract place for myself to dream and escape from reality. Really.

Actually, I think the reason why adults think their opinions are right is because they have actually gone through it, and when their advices come from true experiences, of course they'd think they're right. And most of the time, they are right. Just that, maybe we just want to learn a lesson the hard way.

Actually what Hikari said was true. When one's hurt emotionally, no matter what others say, it doesn't work. But why do we all like to do the comforting job even when we know it doesn't make any difference? Just to show we care? I don't know. Or maybe it's just another way to comfort ourselves too.

Okay, I think I'm braindead. I think I'll just enjoy life while I still can forget about trying to figure out who am I and whatnot. Makes life easier. ^^;

Eeks... Still haven't touch homework yet... X_____X;; Anyway, happy holidays! Cya

Anyway, I do think that teenage is the time when we find ourselves, and find out "Who am I?" Maybe it doesn't apply to everyone, but at least most people are trying to find their real self when they are teenagers. I guess that's why I like taking personality quizzes a lot. But, some how or another, I always get very confused in the end. Again, the question is, who am I exactly?

Actually I get very frustrated at myself sometimes, why does my feelings and thoughts always changes? Why can't they just be stable for a change? And sometimes I'll just feel... lost. Yea, lost. Like I don't belong anywhere. Maybe it's just because I think too much...

My mum always says that I show my feelings on my face, maybe a bit too much. Most of the times I do, but that doesn't mean everytime, cause I do keep some feelings sometimes. Honestly, when me myself don't even understand myself thoroughly, how can I expect other people to understand me? When I just keep changing?

I don't want to change. I really don't. When will I finally find my true self? Or maybe there isn't a true me after all? Tell me, how ridiculous can I get.

Many times, I wanted to talk to my mum about it. After all, she has gone through it during her teenage years. But now that she's an adult, not to mention a mother, she may not understand. Or maybe, I fear that she understand too well, fear the fact that she might be able to see through me, see my most inner thoughts.

Struggling to find myself... But it just made me feel even more lost... Maybe I long for too much... Maybe because I deny myself... Shutting myself out... Or maybe because I'm rejecting the fact that I don't like the real me... Running away from reality... Into my own fantasy dream... Though I know one day when I wake up... My dream will be broken... Because it doesn't exist... One day I shall learn how to accept cruelty... Cruelty of the world in reality... And that will be the day... I lose my true self......

Personality Disorder Test Results

Paranoid	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%
Schizoid	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Schizotypal	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Antisocial	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Borderline	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Narcissistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Dependent	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Obsessive-Compulsive	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test

Holidays are so boring. Haiz... And I honestly don't have the mood to do the holiday homework. ICT - I've roughly finished the layout of the web pages, have to arrange all the information and put them in and make it more presentable. Chinese - waiting for an idea to pop into my head for composition, too lazy to do research. Math - I'm already having a throbbing headache just looking at the questions. English - want to borrow or buy one of the Science Fiction films on the list and watch it first before writing my own science fiction... So many things to do... T^T

Whenever one think about Winter, one will definitely think of snow. I've only seen real snow once, when I was very small, when I was visiting Shanghai. I could hardly remember what happened then, but I remember that I was very excited. It was a beautiful sight to see everything covered with pure white, the roofs, the road, people, everything. It made the city so mysterious, peaceful, calm... and liveless. I definitely did not think of that when I saw snow, but now that I recall, the whole city did felt liveless.

When I was young, raindrops were the tears of people living in the sky. Then who's crying in such a cold weather, making the tears freeze and fall as snow?

Sweet? Bitter? Salty? Spicy? Or flavored? Lemon? Chocolate? Vanilla? Strawberry? Grapes? Peach? .....................

So when I did saw snow, I insisted on tasting it, though my mum tried to persuade me not to.

Maybe I should have listened to my mum and not taste the snow. Then I will still be able to wonder about it. Wonder about how it would taste, dream about it, have fantasies about it...

Actually, do I like snow now? I don't know. Some how snow doesn't really appeal to me anymore... Cause I'm seeing more of its coldness, its cruelty, its silence, the feeling of death. Why would white give me the feeling of death? It's not the whiteness, it's the icy coldness, it makes everything feel... dead.

Maybe I should have choosed to look at the beautiful side of the snow, but somehow I can't. Maybe it's because I realised snow is not magical and it's tasteless and it doesn't have colours. Or maybe it's because nothing too memorable happened to me when there was snow.

I don't think there's going to be snow in Shanghai this winter. So I'll have to wait for quite a while to change my feelings towards the snow again. ^^; Yes, it's Christmas tomorrow! Merry Christmas everyone~~! Happy holidays to my friends too! ^-^

Every winter, I shall send a snowflake your way... Let it tell you my feelings and send you my blessings...

You're Skittles!!! You have a very interesting
personality, you're so unique. You're the kind
of person who always thinks outside of the box.
You're also a very accepting individual, and
believe in inner beauty.

Which kind of candy are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.

How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

The Big Five Personality Test

Extroverted	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Introverted	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%
Friendly	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	68%
Aggressive	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	32%
Orderly	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Disorderly	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	34%
Relaxed	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%
Emotional	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Openminded	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	68%
Closeminded	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	32%

Take Free Big 5 Personality Test

Merry Christmas! ^0^ Oh yea! Danyu came to SSIS today to celebrate Christmas with us~~~~ ^^ So happy! But today was quite... chaotic... ^^lll

Anyway, went to Danyu's LiveJournal and saw this quiz... Since I was bored, I took it. And this is the result::

Last time in Singapore, Christmas was in the holidays, so no celebrations. This is the first time I celebrated Christmas with my friends. ^^ It was... very fun. ^0^ Got quite a lot of presents too. :3 Thank you everyone! XP

Don't have much to say this time. Today is the starting of holidays. So bored! ;O; Got to practise singing the songs that my friends and I are going to sing for New Year concert. x____x;; Cya! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Erm... There seem to be some problem with the background music. ^^; But on my computer, there's no stopping or anything, so I can't really do anything about it. If the music plays and stops, or has any other problems, on your computer, please inform me by shouting at the shoutbox, k? ^^ Thanks very much

I'm pretty sure everyone has gone through a maze before, whether big ones or small ones. When you can't seem to find the exit no matter how hard you try, how did you feel? One thing for sure - you won't feel good. You must be wondering why on earth am I talking about mazes. Simple. I feel like I'm trapped in a maze now - a maze with no exit.

Well, don't ask me why I feel like that or ask me to explain it. I can't. I just feel like way I felt when I couldn't get out of a mirrored maze last time. I felt like I spent eternity in the maze, spinning around and always walking into dead ends. Howcome I feel like my life is like a mirrored maze too? Except that I feel like the exit of the maze is closed up.

I can't find myself, though I can see myself everywhere around me. Which is me? Which is the real me? Why am I trapped? Where am I going? How many dead ends are there? Is there actually an exit?

I can't walk the path I choose to walk. I don't dare to do what I want to do. I don't dare to speak what I want to say.

Why in my dreams people are always jeering. Why in my dreams I'm always hated. Why do my dreams always end breaking like the glass.

I don't want. Don't want to be trapped. I don't want to feel helpless. I don't like to feel like I'm falling into an abyss.

I want to find the way out... I want to find my dreams back... I want to find the future that I want...

Hee... It has been quite a while since I last blogged. :P Sowwy, but the last few days were exams, and now I'm currently busy with the ICT project. [Now, don't get me started on the stupid ICT project, cause I'll go non-stop about it. XD] Can you hear the background music? ^-^ Yea! It's "Duan Le De Xian" by Jay Chow! ^0^ I decided to use "Duan Le De Xian" because, it's my latest obsession. :3 But my favourite is still "Jian Dan Ai", so someday I might just change the music. XD Hee... Hope you guys like it~~! ^^

Life consists of gaining and losing. When you think you've gained something, you've actually lost something; when you think you've lost something, you've actually gained something, it's just a matter of how you look at it. Usually, it's not easy to realise what we've gained when we've lost something, but as time goes by, we might realise. Maybe you don't get the meaning of what I said now, but maybe, you would understand when you've gone through more experiences. Oops, I made myself sound so old and experienced. ^^; But actually, I'm just as unexperienced, cause we're still teenagers after all. Just like sometimes I don't understand the adults' logic.

When I was younger, I doubt I understood the meaning of losing and gaining at the same time. But now I sort of do. Sometimes, no matter how much you want to keep this thing, or let the person stay, or keep the memories, you just have to let go. Yea, learn to let go. While in the mean time, you might have gained something, just that you haven't realise it. Easier said than done. Let go? Sound easy. But no, sometimes it's really hard to let go.

Sound familiar? Well, I certainly heard it a lot of times. But I think I haven't mastered the skill of letting go. Why? I don't know. Maybe I would learn how to let go, some time...

Losing something isn't all about losing... Somewhere, you've gained something... It's only up to you to find out...

Before I really start blogging, or rambling, I just want to say that, Joanne's new layout in [Heavenly Skies] is beautiful!!! X3 So pretty! ^0^ Must go visit, k? It's really really nice~~!!!

Anyway, back to the topic. It's December already, meaning that the year 2003 is going to pass very soon. This year hasn't been very smooth. So many things had happened, but I guess I did become "stronger", as in, mentally.

I hope the year 2004 is going to be a better year. For me, for everyone. Everything will start new, or become better... Normally, I'm very happy when a year pass, because that means I'm older by one year. But, this year, I don't really welcome the new year. Because I don't want to grow up. I want time to pass slower, or maybe I want time to stop now...

I don't like seeing my parents unhappy, and they are always unhappy when they're growing a year older. Tell me, which adult is happy to grow old? Therefore, if I have the power, I could choose not to grow up. But I can't, I don't have the power.

I know, and I could feel, how my parents work hard to let me live a good life. They never asked for repay, and never would. They give me all their love, without complain, without regrets. Actually... All parents are like that...

When I was smaller, I couldn't wait to grow up, to become an adult. But now, I would rather stay at this stage. I don't want to walk into the adult world. It's too big, too complicated, too fast, too difficult...

When I walk on the streets, it seem like everyone's steps are so fast, as if hurrying to some place. I can't catch up with the pace, it's too fast. When I do grow up and become an adult, I wouldn't have time to stop and walk slowly, slow down my steps and take a good look around me. I would be too busy to enjoy life, to discover life, to find myself. I don't want, I don't want a life like that.

I know my parents want me to be a successful person - whose parents doesn't? - but I also know that they would be sad when I have to leave them, to another country maybe, or maybe because of work I would rarely have time with them. How I wish I can do something to repay my parents, but I know nothing, nothing can repay them for all they did for me.

Mum, dad, I can see the love in your eyes, can you see it in mine? Forgive me for being stubborn, forgive me for only saying the three simple words to you - I love you - in letters and cards, forgive me for not being a perfect daughter you want... But I thank you for accepting me as who I am, I thank you for giving me warmth with your love, I thank you for the way you always encourage me and make me feel that no matter what happen I'll always have your support, and I thank you for giving me a chance to come to this world and showing me the path of life......

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone! Treasure what you have now, cause you won't want to regret when you lose it. Don't hesitate to take a new step in life, because you do not know what good things awaits you on the way. Don't hide your true self, because someone will love you for the true you...

Two exams down, three more to go. Today wasn't actually as bad as I had thought it would be. The Maths was okay, the English was disaster - I didn't have the time to so called finish everything and do my best. I honestly felt like strangling Ms. Rowena after I handed up the paper. Who would give the students two writing extension and expect them to finish it in such a short time? A journal and a feature article. And she actually expect us [Actually maybe just me...] to do well when we're all in a rush?

Haiz... I'm definitely dead for the English... I was literally writing crap! Ugh... >_< At least the Maths was relieving. I could do all the questions, but the last question took me really long - more than half an hour. XD At least, I figured it out and got it right! ^0^ (I think...) So happy~~~~ X3

Tomorrow is Chinese and Geography. Chinese is supposed to be my strong subject, so I really hope I'll do well. Especially the composition, cause I cannot afford to do badly in it. Or I'll literally kill myself. I only set a goal for the chinese exam - above 80. But I really really want to get above 90. >_< I just hope I'll remember all the words and my composition will be at least my usual standard.

Then Geography, I think I'm doing pretty good in Geography, so I definitely hope I don't do badly in the exams. But honestly, whenever I do geography, I find myself going around in circles and circles, it's all about the same thing, isn't it? Pollution, arable land, humans affecting the environment, the Earth ailing, blah blah blah... ^^;; Cross my fingers. Geography and Chinese are probably the only subjects I can do better at.

@___@;; Neeeee... I still haven't finish all my notes for Geography, worse still, I think I lost the other half of the notes. O__O And neither have I finished revising for Chinese. And I still need to read some composition books to get ideas, in case I couldn't think of anything during the exams. Aaaaaah... So I do have a lot of things to do... in the next few hours. Haiz...

I'm also very worried about my Science. I honestly haven't found much information for the essay question. But as I've said, I could probably just 'make up' something and focus on pollution yada yada and go round in circles. Mr. Lim said that we have to show that we think, yea? So I'll show him how I think in circles... XD Okay, enough joking. I do hope I don't do too badly in my science too, cause I like science, although not as much as I love Chinese. XP

Bwahahahahahahaha!!! ^0^ Finally! I've changed my blog layout! X3 Oooooo~~~~ I love the picture! ^0^; I think I got a little bit sick of pink, therefore I decided to change the layout. But don't worry, I can't bear to delete all my past blog entries, so I kept a link back to [[.Love.Dreams.]]. The link could also be found under "Others" of the navigation at the side.

I just can't bring myself to delete the posts, after all the hard work, tears and sweat. j/k~~ XD And I haven't moved the shoutbox over yet. So I guess there's still quite a lot of work to do. ^^;

Well, don't ask me why I'm changing my layout now when my exams are only 1 day away. *looks extremely guilty* Okay, okay, fine. I'll leave this aside for a while and I'll move the shoutbox here after the exams. ^0^// Meanwhile, you can still shout at the shoutbox on [[.Love.Dreams.]] and tell me what you think about this new layout! ^-^

Add-in:: I put up a shoutbox~~! It's at the bottom of the page. ^^ [Nov 10 2003]

Favourite artist(S):: Jay Chow, Vivian Hsu, Jolin, S.H.E, Michelle Branch, Hilary Duff, M2M, Avril Lavigne, 4 in Love, Toybox, vengaboys, Celin Dion

Favourite songs:: "Jian Dan Ai" [Jay Chow], "Duan Le De Xian" [Jay Chow], "Gui Ji" [Jay Chow], "Qing Tian" [Jay Chow], "Ai Zai Xi Yuan Qian" [Jay Chow], "Hui Dao Guo Qu" [Jay Chow], "Ai Qing Xuan Ya" [Jay Chow], "Long Juan Feng" [Jay Chow], "Zui Hou De Zhan Yi" [Jay Chow], "Ban Shou Ren" [Jay Chow], "Ta Ta" [Vivian Hsu], "Lao Fu Fu" [Vivian Hsu], Tears [Vivian Hsu], No.1 [BoA], Ultimate [Freaky Friday], "Ai Qing Fu Zuo Yong" [Ruien], "Shuo Ai Ni" [Jolin], "Jue Ding Ai Ni" [Vivian Hsu], What dreams are made of [Hilary Duff], Why not [Hilary Duff], Yu Jian [Stephanie Sun], You [Evanescence], "Jiu Shi Wo" [Lin Jun Jie], The tide is high [Atomic Kitten], Shape of my heart [BSB], Cannon in D (piano), Spring (Violin & piano), Miracles happen [Myra], and many more~~! XD

Don't wanna grow up? Join this clique! w00t! Never knew someone would actually make something like this, but it's true, I don't want to grow up! Yay for children/teenagers! =3