27th Mar 2005:

DR BEAK F.C.  7-2  Retards'R'Us
Rushton (3)
Turrell (2)
Roberts (2)

I am writing this whilst listening to a great song by Critters Buggin called Sex Doily. Excellent truffles.
It has to be said, this was not Beak's finest hour, playing against Down's Cripple Retard Athletic, short name Dave Birchnall or some kind of shite like that, Beak had the chance to at least maintain their fifth place position if not ascend into the upper echelons of the league. Could they do it? Let’s find out.
The main part of the team arrived late down the tunnel of a packed JJB Soccerdome stadium, so, as only Geoffrey Keeper and The Babos were on time, the warm up was short and to the point. A full strength Beak side lined up like shining blue and white soldiers singing the national anthem with pride as the union flag flew. A finer body of Caucasian people and 1 China man/woman has not been seen since the Planeteers who helped Captain Planet so bravely. When the referee whistled for the match to begin, the Dr Beak players all looked at him fondly, he was from an ethnic minority and proud of it. This is progress for you. The adulation lasted for roughly four minutes, (approximately 1 minute more than the first half did,) however in that time Beak managed to score twice. The Retard defence.... dog mess, the Beak attack... somewhere a little above average, the result? Dr Beak could smell a 20 - 1 victory on the cards. The reality however was a pale shadow of what was promised, the sublime controlled performance that had emanated from Beak at the start, was dashed as Team Retard started to gain a foothold in the match. This reporter could not fathom which of the Spack Attack team was half-caste….sorry mixed race, but one of them must have had a black dad because the referee awarded free kicks to them using a kind of crystal ball technique, i.e. before a foul had even been committed, especially to the screaming freak of a defender who ran around shouting in a high-pitched girly voice whenever he was tackled. To say that the ref was appalling would be a deceitful understatement matched only by “Michael Jackson isn’t a paedophile because he was just sucking the poison from that little boy’s little man.” The ref played about 12 minutes in the first half, quoting when asked, full passages from his Little Book of How to Wreck a Football Game, stating that the match time starts whether the teams are ready or not. We were ready, however we were waiting for him to finish the fifteen minute conversation with one of Stephen Hawking Alexandra over why he couldn’t wear protective clothing. Anyone would think the bastard wanted to wear metal toe caps and a biohazard suit rather than the tracksuit bottoms he was sporting. What a dick. Anyway, back to the action, with the score at 2 – 0, Leper City got their arses into gear and Beak became lazy. Every time Dr Beak got on the ball, opportunities were squandered over the bar or on hospital ball passes that gave possession to the opponents. Mongchester United finally pulled one back when Tiny Mong sprinted through the middle and shot into the corner of the net before the Beak players even had chance to turn around, Geoffrey Keeper came out to block but to no avail. Luckily for a jaded looking Beak team, Dr Sullington Beak at 20% effectiveness was still 19% too effective to be beaten by a team that seems to be made up of the released trainees from Old Park and Super Iain Dowie, and they reinstated the two goal cushion minutes later. 3-1 however soon gave-way to 3-2 as Super Old Iain Dowie Park managed to get another flurry of shots in, most dealt with by Geoffrey Keeper with his feet and hands until Tiny Mong wound up to take a shot and connected terribly with the ball. Geoff Keeps dived expecting a real person’s shot and could only watch despairingly as the ball dribbled and bobbled under his foot.
Half time came, Beak stood shaken and too tired to practice at the break, a pep talk was needed and duly supplied by Li Tie Mahon. The crowd were entertained by funny-man Timmy Mallett who was promoting the new “Kick Women out of Football” campaign by giving out Burberry pattern wrist bands. Jokes were laughed at and more than a couple of tomatoes were thrown until an announcement came over the speakers that the Chan Marching Band had won their competition in Canada and now qualified for the Winter Olympics. Note: my favourite website has posted a copy of the Chan Band’s winning performance, view it here http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=9283 .
The second half started and Beak were determined to get somewhere near to 20 minutes worth of play. It was not a clean second half, the Beak players were in a bad mood at the ref and their performance and it showed in their tackles. Babos nearly severed someone’s leg and Turrell managed to play like the Karate Kid without getting sent off. It must be said that the Spong Villa’s keeper was a class above his team-mates and made a string of fine saves which kept his team in the game for a while. He could not however, hold back the flood that had been coming all match and Beak managed to score another 4 goals, although it should have been about 50 – 2. The closing stages of the second half were notable only for Turrell’s five minute substitution and Dave’s second sending off of the season. Many independent observers think that Dogger, nicknamed The Flashy Fishwife, gets his fiery temperament from the Latin influences in his football and his parentage. His father, Ossie Ardilles would not have been proud as the blue card was brandished for the second time in nine games. The heinous circumstances that led to the sending off were like something out of a horror novel, Dogger told the ref about a pass-back which he had missed, the ref told the Dog that he hadn’t seen it and Dave told the ref to watch the game. The ref nearly abandoned the match, so grave was the offence, but instead he just sent Dave for an early bath. Game over, three points in the bag and the season back on track, Beak can now win a total of 41 points by the end of the season, however with tough games to come it seems unlikely that they will upstage the magnificent 40 they won last year. Still they can take heart that, at the half way point in the season, they have only conceded 26 goals, the equal lowest record, their tally of 49 goals scored is only their third best total. Hopefully the team’strip to La Manga on next week will help replenish some of the urgency and vigour that seems to have been missing recently.
Mahon MOM - Keeper

Team Review:
Keeper 8, not brilliant but didn’t have much to do.
Mahon 8, worked hard, didn’t lose his sense of position.
Babos 7, tired performance, had a couple of good shots.
Cliff Condor 8, worked hard, bagged a hat-trick.
Dogger Roberts 7, finally got a couple of goals from open play. Excellent truffles.
Turrell 7, made space for himself well.

Team performance - 6 : Obviously this is not an average score for the players but I felt as a team we didn’t play together well, we got sloppy, took a lot of shots from ridiculous distances and generally were not what we can be.

DR BEAK F.C.  2-3  Athletic Madras
Rushton (1)
Mahon (1)

[Disclaimer, this match report contains frequent references to American Police Radio codes, as what can be a more beautiful way of describing a situation than with numbers. This is the site I used a reference, (sparingly I may add, being fluent in worldwide police slang.) http://www.cobras.org/police.htm, please visit it just to listen to the music. Excellent truffles.]
--- Obituary ---
Today saw the death of a game, and the game was musical statues.
High above the pitch, perched precariously on a girder in the Soccerdome commentary box alongside John Barnes and Garth Crooks, sat a lady, a lady with an accordion. Her job, to play Cotton-eye Joe repeatedly, louder and louder throughout the whole match. When she stops, so the rules state, so must the Beak players.
The warm-up was fierce, Geoffrey Turrell slamming home shots left, right and indeed centre, quietly humming “Love will tear us apart again”, under his breath, it appeared that we had a Code 966 on our hands (Sniper). Smokey McBad-Lungs took his customary penalty with aplomb; Bushy and Mahonie were shooting like Lee van Cleef and Yul Bryner and Dave, well Dogger wandered in from the car-park thirty seconds before kick-off wiping his mouth. No questions were asked, no answers given. It can be said that there was a murmur of anticipation floating on the wind itself as Beak prepared to play in their 84th Manchester derby, compounded by the pre-match presentation by Efan Ekoku to Geoffrey Keeper who by the end of the match would have played 3000 minutes, or 50 hours for Dr Beak. Excellent truffles. Just before start, the ref decided to have an epileptic fit, blowing his whistle up to seventy times in a shrill manner, this accounted for the record Beak attendance, 20,000, of which 19,998 were dogs. This can be described as a Code 918A (escaped mental patient) moment.
Mavis started up with the accordion, the ref started the match and the torment began, Athletic Madras had four or five good shots on target dealt with by Geoffrey Keeper before everyone’s favourite ginger, Geoffrey Mahon clobbered the ball with all his sun-fearing body’s might past the despairing curry-eating net fiend. Mahonie and Beak off the mark, the Republic up to 450. Excellent truffles. The feathered flurry continued, and soon Geoffrey Rushton bagged a beaut and made it two to love. It could be said, the flamboyant foreigners were flustered. The police were crying a code 11 – 7 (prowler), the Ship Canal stand simply humming the theme to Chariots of Fire. All of a sudden, disaster, Garth Crooks had finally caught Mavis’eye and they engaged in some frenetic tongue lashing, the resounding crash as her accordion hit the floor seems only to have been heard by Turrell and Dave, statuesque fittingly describes their form henceforth. From then on it was 5 on 3 and Beak’s Brazilian finesse was dashed. A shot by Leon (Kieran Dyer) McEngland flew goalwards, hit Geoffrey Babos’ trotter, hit the post and then hit Geoffrey Keeper in the face. The unthinkable had happened, Madras had pulled one back. Beak started to look a little rattled and the crowd were chanting the police code for Dave and Turrell, 11-12 (Dead animals/ loose livestock,) and they were right.
Half time came and with the Chan band on tour in Canada, it was the turn of Riverdance on Ice to entertain the troops. Lucky there was a live band as this meant the Geoffrey Dave and Geoffrey Turrell-Lindley had chance to stretch their legs and get some water. When the ice had melted, the play resumed and so did the assault and battery of the Beak back 4. With Dave and Turrell both stood up front frantically waiting for the music to start again the Madras had free reign. They were however, like water washing against the wax of Badger and Block until Geoffrey Mahon was skinned like a short-changing hooker for the second time in two weeks and the Madras was/were level. Suddenly the talk of an all Chinese swap deal with Li Tie seemed back on everyone’s lips.The third goal came at an unfortunate time, before the final whistle. Turrell and Dave were industriously eating wagon wheels around a campfire chatting of days gone by when the Madrai slipped under Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak and reappeared just in time to slam their ball into Keepers private place, the back of the net. Beak fans the world over cried out in anguish but to no avail, the final two minutes were fought hard but Beak did little except stretch the net above Geoffrey Madras in the Madras goal. The result was a poor reflection of how dominant Sullington Beak could have been in this match. Poor, poor truffles.
Beak’s chance to move to third in the league was missed, a thousand young hearts broken. The hopes of catching Chelsea at the top of the Soccerdome Sunday League 3 seem faint unless a better performance is shown at Geoffrey Burnaldăo’s testimonial on Wednesday. It seems likely Dave and Turrell will be missing unless the Chan band return but the result against top opposition, made up of Pele, Bobby Moore and Sylvester Stallone may signal how this campaign will pan out.
Mahon MOM - Bushy / Mahonie

Team Review:
Keeper, 8. Did well at the start but could maybe have dealt with the 2 goals.
Mahon, 8. Worked hard and played well, lets hope our very own Great Wall of China is not being toppled.
Babos, 8. Worked so hard his thong must have been dripping.
Cliff Condor, 8. Would have scored 5 had Keeper been able to get a pass to him.
Dave, 7. Worked hard but was as effective as Terry Henry in a big match.
Turrell, 6.5. Apparently his new training regime of throwing up in Burny’s flower bed is not good for his game. Stick to the gambling and hookers.

Team Performance: 6 – 7 out of 10.
Fan performance: Mild

DR BEAK F.C.  3-3  Athletico Allstars
Turrell (2)
Mahon (1)

"When two tribes go to war, a point is all that you can score." I think this summed up Dr Beak’s Sunday perfectly, admittedly there were no tribes, just teams and no war, just football, but still I think it rings true. But then song lyrics aren't as prophetic as many claim, the same song contains the lines, "We got the bomb-yeah. Sock it to me biscuits-now". Consider your biscuits socked. And now to the main feature.
As the mist settled over the turf on Sunday, the Dr Beak boys prepared to face a menace of the like they had not faced (since last season). Athletico A's had expanded their name and expanded their minds. Like a phoenix from the ashes, the Athletico Allstars had gone from meek 3rd place last season to flawless record this, atop the table like a dragon amidst its gold; radiant, exquisite but potently deadly my friends. The Beak line-up was back to full strength, although Ratislav Babos cut a dejected figure, missing his girlfriend and smelling faintly of Sangria, warmed up like a hero amongst heroes. Burnaldăo (Big Burns) took some shots in the warm-up worthy of Burnaldinho (Little Burns), his 15-yard strike that pummelled the top corner into weary submission surely booking his place up front, a fact that had the capacity crowd murmuring of his return to the first team. This would turn out to be a fallacy.
The match kicked off and immediately the Red and White striped storm crashed into the Beak defence, the Allstars' pace, combined with a slightly groggy looking Beak side, meant that we were overrun like poorly armed peasants in the face of heavy cavalry charging across the fields of Agincourt. The plucky heroes rallied themselves and got their act together but not before an uncustomary lapse of concentration from Chinese Captain, Mahon Tse Tung left him still walking ponderously towards the halfway line as an Allstar ran down the wing like piss down an old lady's legs. He reached the edge of the area, shot low and Keeper could do nothing but watch as it sailed under his hairy arms. Disaster. The Beak confidence was however unscathed, Matthieu Turrell-Lindley was the hot knife, the A's defence, the butter, as he slid through with ease and buried a fine shot to equalise and get the crowd singing. Halftime came after more energetic deadlock, notable only for a fine reflex save from keeper down to his right, the shot broke his arm but he didn't mind. Bloke alert! The halftime show from the Chan marching band lifted the spirits, especially the stunning rendition of Enya's 'Orinoco Flow'. You may have noticed Paul Burns featuring as one of the dancing girls, he was graceful. As soon as the pitch had been cleared of the flowers thrown for the band, the match resumed, Monsieur Mahon still looked a little unsteady, his mind perhaps on the transfer speculation linking him to the Bayern Munich goalkeeper's job. Keeper, who had been substituted at half time for his exchange brother then watched on in horror as little Rickaldo first gave the ball away to an unmarked A’s striker, then managed to get a hand to the ball but his limp-wrists let him down. The A's ahead by a deuce to 1. When Team Allstar scored to pull further ahead, the newspapers were already preparing headlines crying for the resignation of Manager Mahon. Bushy had been sent of for a last man foul, the attacker skipping along like an innocent lamb until Bushy’s crushing tackle broke every bone in his body, Beak were down to 4 and down by 2. It was then a rainbow came out high in the roof of the soccerdome, perhaps a sign from God? Whatever, up stepped the afore mentioned captain to strike a beauty past Fatty Rotund, the A's keeper, once again making it a one score game with 5 minutes left. Beak had a few chances before disaster.... a breakaway from the A's left no defenders in the Beak half, all of a sudden, Babos looked up.... he had time to flash a cheeky smile, lay down a sheet of plastic, cover himself in washing up liquid and slide the full length of the pitch to stop a certain goal. The free kick awarded but saved low by Rickaldo. Then came a moment of sheer brilliance, Turrell had the ball on the right, not even at the halfway mark, he looked up, saw F. Rotund, the A's Keeper licking lard off his fingers, closed his eyes, hit and hoped. The ball lifted into the air where it was caught by an angel who carried it straight into the top corner. The tribes were level gosh darn it.What followed can only be called a rout; the A's backs were broken, physically and literally. They were slow, lethargic and uncommitted. Beak on the other hand were quite the opposite, un-slow, un-lethargic and non-uncommitted. They had five to ten shots that went wide, were saved by Rotund or blocked. The final whistle was greeted by all the Beak players, the result a point salvaged not two points dropped. They have gone down in the record books as the first team to take points off the Allstars, but I prefer to call them simply, The First Team. The fans went home happy; the ref toddled off carrying his death threats with glee and Jose Mourinho walked away afraid of drawing DR Beak in the Champions League and wishing he'd signed Mahon Tse Tung (which translates literally as, The Badger Hunter.) in the Summer.
Mahon MOM - Turrell

Team Review:
Keeper 7, shoddy and average. Mahon 7, stop taking drugs. Babos 8, some excellent stuff. Dogger 9, ran like a whore with herpes. Bushaldo de Santa Fe 9, excellent movement. Turrellio 10, suave incarnate. Chan 6, good trombone work, not very vocal. Burnaldăo 8, excellent warm up chappie.

This reporter may be back next week dependent on public opinion and Paul's laziness.

DR BEAK F.C.  6-3  Kappa
Turrell (4 inc 1pen)
Martin (2)

Last night saw some amazing sporting action as Dr Beak played Kappa at their home, The JJB Stadium (Trafford). After what some people saw as a suicidal move, club owner Kevin Mahon met with team captain Kevin Mahon and decided to let three of his top players go on loan to FC Barcelona, who were desperately short of players with high work-rate, good crouching skills and someone to shoot and then turn around in a circle clutching his head waiting to see if he's scored. Luckily, the depleted Beak team were bolsetered by 3 short-term signings brought in from non-league clubs. James Lindley, a Beak reserve who'd previously been released, Martin Smith, a player who has been in the Beak recruitment-sights for a while, and Nolberto Chapellow, a Peruvian.
The match began, watched by a capacity crowd of 4, and it began badly, almost as soon as the Nigerian national team had walked out onto the pitch wearing Kappa's kit, including the real Gianfranco Zola (well thats what his shirt said), they had scored. Zola stood shaking behind the ball trying to fox our defense, he managed to run around a bit pointlessly for a bit perhaps trying to gauge where the chink in our armour was. He decided, correctly, that the guy in the funny jumper in net was weak, shot low at the near post as was amazed to see the keeper wrong footed by his own cleverness and the ball dribbled in. 1 - 0 to the Africans. Then Lindo went off, panting, sweating and crying due to his exertion, and on came Martin Smith, here-after known as Saint Martin Cantona. By this point, Kappa's giant midfielder had shown his magic, wherever he was on the pitch, the turf around him became very slippy and players fell at his feet, perhaps animal magnetism, perhaps not. He tried to kick us about, however St M. Cantona came, saw and conquered in the space of five minutes, one a low shot into the left bottom corner after skinning the Albino Hulk they had at the back, the second a jink inside from the wing and a curling shot into the other bottom corner, he likes to spread it around. They scored a goal in between but ah well,  2 - 2 to the Average Joes. Then came a frenzy of blokeishness, sport and grandeur, they scored a third, but were denied goals numbers 4, 5, 6 and 7 by close range saves from Thompson at the edge of the area. Beak had their moment of glory when a shot from the industrious Dogger beat the keeper but was stopped with a fantastic save from African number 3. Penalty awarded, penalty scored, Turrell off the mark. Then Turrell scored 3 more goals, Kappa didnt, Beak won 6 - 3. Eric the ref took some stick from Kappa for claiming the Giant African should stop bumming Mahonie because "He hasnt got his wallet on him, and its empty already", and for taking one of our free kicks for us. The FA say there will be no investigation.
Mahon MOM - Turrell / Mahonie

Team Review:
Rick - Shaky start, but regained his recent form near the end of the match, 7 out of 10.
Dogger - worked his arse off, deserved a couple of goals, parallels with Mateja Kezman, that goal from open play will come, 9 out of 10.
Mahon - nowt to be said, commanding, Chinese, scary. So efficient he nearly broke Lindo's leg tackling him!!! 9.5 out of 10.
Turrell - 1 penalty, 3 goals, did an amzing run across their area, tricking his heart out, 9 out of 10.
Nolberto Chapellow - absolutely killed one of Team Nigeria near the end, industrious, 8 out of 10.
Lindo - looked jaded but did some good stuff  7 out of 10.
St Martin Cantona - excellent, definitely a summer transfer option, his strength is being good at football.
Notable mentions to Super Fan Chan and the 2nd most famous member of the Lindley family, the pom poms were a nice touch.