No.	Name	Position	Age	Also known as….
1	Thompson, Rick	Keeper	21	Tigermoth, Keeper, Rickaldo
2	Burns, Paul	Defender	23	Big Chief, Ernie Burns, Burnie
3	Higson, Chris	Midfielder	22	Higgy, The Drug Pusher
4	Roberts, David	Midfielder	24	Dave, Surly, Dogger Roberts, The Filth
5	Gerrie, Chris	Keeper	21	Gez
6	Burns, Mike	Striker	22	Little Chief, Mickey B
7	Mahon, Kevin	Sweeper	23	Mahonie, Roger Block, MahonTseTung
8	Bates, Neil	Defender	23	Babos, Bo Long, Steve Badger
9	Rushton,  Paul	Midfielder	23	Bushy, Stickleback Plastic, President
10	Turrell, Matthew	Striker	20	Tully, Timmy, Burrell, Max Chalfont
11	Chan, Katherine	No:1 Fan	21	K.Chan Superfan
12	Mahon, Jamie	Mascot	13	Jimble Bobble, Jaime
14	Baskin, Danny	Mid/Keeper	23	Dirty Dan, Baskin Shark
15	Chapelow, John	Anywhere		J-Chap, Fat Tits
16	Moore, Carl	Everywhere		Carlos Potts
17	Lindley, James	Midfielder		Lindo, Lauren's brother
18	Kelly, Andy	Defender		Andy, Kelly
19	Lee	Striker		Oi Lee
20	Lingley, Gary	Left Wing	23	Gaz, Lingers, Weir Pig
21	Grant, Ross	Left Wing		Downs, Downs, Downs, Downs
22	Bayliss, Matt	Midfielder		Matty
23	Scanlan, Matt	Defender		Scally
24	Rafferty, Mark	Defender		Raffo, Scalletor

Name: Neil "gemini" Bates
Preferred Alias: Babos
DOB: 23.05.81
Shirt Number: 8
Marital Status: Extremely short term/long distance 25 year old girlfriend/teacher Emma Carey
Sexuality: Bi-curious
Footballing Trademark: Severe badgering, the crouch, falling over, never scoring anymore
Everyday Trademark: Ladies man "Everybody wants a bit of Babos"
Occupation: Business
Favourite Food: Steak
Ambition: To be better than Paul
Favourite Saying: "Its nice to be known as important, but its more important to be known as nice"
Footballing Hero: Roy Keane/Eric Cantona
All time Hero: Daddy Babos
Favourite Film: Goodfellas
Favourite Band: Radiohead

Name: Kevin 'Monkey' Mahon
Preferred Alias: M7, Mahon Tse Tung
DOB: 18.04.81
Shirt Number: 7
Marital Status: Team HK Manager
Sexuality: Straight as an arrow
Ambitions: To live in Hong Kong with Chan and a rabble of chimps, to manage the HONG KONG national team
Footballing Trademark: Stalk, Block and Tackle - "Thou shalt not pass"
Occupation: Ebay Entrepeneur / Football Coach / Telephone Monkey
Favourite Food: Rice, jan ju gai, shiu mai
Favourite Saying: "It takes one to know one" / "Go and fag that, twinkletoes"
Footballing Hero: Eric Cantona
Heroes: Linford Christie, Alan Partridge
Favourite Film: Grease
Favourite Band/Artist: Red Hot Chilli Peppers / Michael Jackson
Best Body Parts: My muscular thighs and an ass to die for
Favourite Possession: Black Sharp Viewcam shirt - Cantona 7
100m PB: 12.86 secs (Longford Stadium, 1994)
I like...my life, my wife, shoddy facial hair, monkeys, chinese food and spitting on tramps
I dislike...tramps, chavs, dog dirt on shoes and tramps with dog dirt in bags

Name: Katherine Chan
Preferred Alias: KChan Superfan
DOB: 11.05.83
Shirt Number: 11
Marital Status: Team HK Ass.Manager
Sexuality: I don't understand
Ambition: To have children with Mahon Tse Tung
Trademark: Childish temper tantrums, great camerawork, foul-mouthed outbursts
Occupation: Interior Design student
Favourite Food: Kebabs, Mango pudding
Footballing Hero: Gabriel Heinze
Favourite Film: The Sound of Music
Favourite Band/Artist: Cookies / Miriam Yeung
Best Body Part: Eyes

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Name: Paul 'Bushy' Rushton
DOB: 03.03.81
Preferred Alias: Cliff Condor
Occupation: Mobile Businessman
Favourite Possession: My Wife
Marital Status: Married to the job (and unfortunately my wife)
Sexuality: Anything really
Favourite Body Part: Simon Weston's face
Education: PhD Theory (Oxbridge 1976)
Favourite Food: Supplements
Favourite Pastime: Putting all my eggs in one basket
Known For: Having my cake and eating it
Allergies: Vacuums (not vacuum cleaners)
Phobias: Vacuum cleaners
Favourite colour: the colour purple
Favourite film: The Colour Purple
Favourite footballer: Mark Hughes
Trademark: Reticence
Figures of heroism: Bill Hicks, Bill Burroughs, Henry Miller, Morrissey
Other people that I like: Johnny Depp, Steve Buscemi, Hutch
Advice to young and old alike: Listen to Underworld
A collection of quotes with little or no relevance to football:
'Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have
imagined.' - Henry David Thoreau.
'The highest good for an individual is to find his unique path in life,
regardless of objective standards.' - Søren Kierkegaard.
'He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in
life.' - Muhammad Ali.
'Until one is committed there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it now. Boldness is genius.' - Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
'When you're dead, you're dead. Make love when you can. It's good for you.' - Kurt Vonnegut
Personal Quotes: 'I can only a apologise. But I won’t.' / 'So the egg smashed. Get another one.'
Mottoes: 'Carpe Diem.' 'Mens sana in corpore sano.'

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Name: Rick 'Monk' Thompson
Preferred Alias: Keeper but also Shadow Man, The Prompt Chiller, The Fallen Angel and also Deputy Travis B.K. Lawmonger.
DOB: 11.10.83
Shirt Number: 1 aka THE No. 1, The Premier and Numero Uno
Marital Status: Married to my team, nearly married to my beautiful girlfriend
Sexuality: Utterly Hetrosexual, (a by-product of being a bloody bloke.)
Footballing Trademark: The flu-ridden stumble. The Cacophonous Glare.
Everyday Trademark: I’m ALWAYS out with my friends. Every night. Even Bank Holidays.
Occupation: Property Magnate
Best Friends: Jambo the Grifter, Dogger “The Filth” Roberts, Ratislav Babos, Fat Man Chav, Mr Rushton and Alan Mahon. Also Paul
Favourite Food: All my traditional Egyptian foods such as Babaganoush, Koshari and Fooll Mudammes. And Wagonwheels (with jam)
Ambition: To be a weatherman, a gladiator, or a trophy wife.
Favourite Saying: "I believe you to be hotcakes.”
Footballing Heroes: Carlo Cudicini and William Prunier
All time Heroes: Carlton Palmer’s lips and Peter Jackson
Favourite Film: Lost in Translation
Favourite Band: The Killers.
Favourite Childhood TV Shows: Mysterious Cities of Gold, and Thundercats.
Neck Girth: 17 inches
Favourite Foreign Language: Greek (E.g. Kalimera, Harry)
Longest Distance Swimming Badge Held: 50,000 metres
Longest Swim Underwater Without Breathing: 100 metres
Favourite Sewing Stitch: Running Stitch
Falling from birth: The Richard Thompson story - Born at the age of 0 in Cairo, Egypt, Rashiid El-Thompson, later to become Keeper, showed early promise at football. He made his national debut at the age of 4 and has since made 347 appearances for Egypt, he transferred from his club side, Mekawleen to Dr Beak in 1995. He has twelve children, all named after car-parts. His eldest son, Carburettor Thompson has now joined the Swiss army with Rick/Rashiid’s exchange brother Rickaldo Tompschmeitz. He now resides in his Stretford mansion with his parents and pet ocelot, Jambo.

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Name: Paul ' Ernie' Burns
DOB: 16.04.1981 (Two days quicker, but light-years behind)
Nationality: Scouse
Shirt number: 2
Favourite fruit: Kiwi's when they're not too tarte
Favourite food: Mexican chicken sauce in a little pot over chicken and rice
Ambition: See Liverpool win the European Cup
Strongest character trait: Excellence
Feelings about Neil: Lack of respect
Opinion of Dave: Over rated as a man and a friend
Self abuse: I'd rather cut my hand off
Favourite Beak player: I like Dave
Best band in the world: Def Leppard
Attractiveness: 7 (where Matthew Turrell is 10 and Neil Bates is 4)

 

 

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Name: Matthew 'Timmy' Turrell
DOB: 22.04.84

Shirt Number: 10
Fave film: Trainspotting
Fave band: The Libertines / Underworld
Colour: Navy blue
Trainers: Stan Smith
Hero: Cantona
Non Football Hero: Tyson / O'Sullivan (ronnie, not sonia)
Weakness: Concentration / Temperament
Strength: Two Footed
Fave foreign team:  Barca / Juve
Drink: Fosters / Guiness
Hobby: Sleep
TV Show: Alan Partridge / Men behaving Badly

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