2. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.

3. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.

4. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

5. In the memo field of all your paychecks, write 'for sexual favors'.

6. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

7. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'

8. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.

9. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

10. Insist that your e-mail address be: zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com

1 Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

12. Suggest that the Coke machine be filled with beer.

13. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

14. Determine how many cups of coffee is 'too many'.

15. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

16. For a relaxing break, get away from it all in the fish tank with a mask and snorkel. If no one notices, ditch the snorkel and see how many fish you can catch in your mouth.

17. Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc.,in the break room. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that."

18. When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.

19. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

20. Practice making fax and modem noises.

2 Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.

22. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

23. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

24. Dont use any punctuation

25. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

26. Ask people what sex they are.

27.While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

28. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

29. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.

30. Stomp on plastic ketchup packets.

3 TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

32. type only in lowercase.

32. Sing along at the opera.

33. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

34. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

35. At large social gatherings jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.

36. Use your MasterCard to pay off your Visa.

37. Make popcorn without using the lid. Stare blankly at anyone who offers suggestions.

38. Leave your computer at the 40. Get even with the IRS for those impossible directions by filling out your tax forms in Roman numerals.

4 Make a list of things that you've already done. Post it in an easy to see location.

42. Tattoo "OUT TO LUNCH" on your forehead.

43. Tape pictures of your boss on a watermelon and launch it from a high place. Show the video at your next presentation.

44. Go through National Geographic magazines and draw underwear on the natives. Display them around your cubicle. When people ask about them, make up distant family ties. Explain that you're cramming for the family reunion.

45. Buy a subscription to "Sleezoid Weekly" and send it to your boss' wife.

46. Read the dictionary upside down and look for hidden mesages.

47. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it gets back to you.

48. Braid your nostril hairs during committee meetings.

49. Stare a people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail while sitting in the lunchroom.

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Colliseum. "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some shi*te eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."

Six months later, Caesar comes back having conqured France and addresses the crowd in the Colliseum. " Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".

The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bullsh*t, I'm off to France to check this out."

So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome. Caesar is addressing the public in the Colliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out"

The crowd are up on their feet. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus jumps up and shouts "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000 !!!!"

The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence.

Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Colliseum then across at Brutus and says "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing.........Away Gauls count double in Europe."

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

After every flight, Qantas pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes and then the mechanics read and correct the problem.

They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.

S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

**********************************************

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.

S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. No's 1, 3, and 4 propellers lack normal

seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

In a move IBM offices are hailing as a major step in the company's ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, M'wana Ndeti, a member of Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem yesterday to crush a nut.

Ndeti, who spent 20 minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem.

"I could not crush the nut by myself," said the 47-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With IBM's help, I was able to break it." Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his southwestern Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via computer with Japanese schoolchildren, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he believed would serve well as a "smashing" utensil.

IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able to provide Ndeti with practical solutions to his everyday problems. "Our telecommunications systems offer people all over the world global networking solutions that fit their specific needs," said Herbert Ross, IBM's director of marketing. "Whether you're a nun cloistered in an Italian abbey or an Aborigine in Australia's Great Sandy Desert, IBM has the ideas to get you where you want to go today."

According to Ndeti, of the modem's many powerful features, most impressive was its hard plastic casing, which easily sustained several minutes of vigorous pounding against a large stone. "I put the nut on a rock, and I hit it with the modem," Ndeti said. "The modem did not break. It is a good modem."

Ndeti was so impressed with the modem that he purchased a new, state-of-the-art IBM workstation, complete with a Pentium4 3GHz microprocessor, a read/write DVD drive and 1 Terrabyte of disk space. The tribesman has already made good use of the computer system, fashioning a gazelle trap out of its wires, a boat anchor out of the monitor and a crude but effective weapon from its mouse.

"This is a good computer," said Ndeti, carving up a just-captured gazelle with the computer's flat, sharp internal processing device. "I am using every part of it. I will cook this gazelle on the keyboard." Hours later, Ndeti capped off his delicious gazelle dinner by smoking the computer's 200-page owner's manual.

IBM spokespeople praised Ndeti's choice of computers. "We are pleased that the Bantu people are turning to IBM for their business needs," said company CEO William Allaire. "From Kansas City to Kinshasa, IBM is bringing the world closer together. Our cutting-edge technology is truly creating a global village."

Duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich

The landlord looks at him and say's "But you're a duck".

" I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and

my sandwhich please?".

"Certainly, says the landlord, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the Circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus

aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call!.

So next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".

" Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".

"At the circus", says the landlord.

"The circus!", the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the landlord.

"The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals?.

With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.

"That's right", says the landlord.

The duck looks confused. "What would they want with a plasterer?"

There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face!."

An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.

Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?

Man: What sins?

Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?

Man: I'm Jewish

Priest: Why are you telling me all this?

Man: I'm telling everybody.!!!!

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies..

The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away,so he places it in his jacket pocket. At Fred's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died.

"Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all."

Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help! You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful."

Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off!

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING

This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (! Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD.

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to

come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

DOGS

Five professionals were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

The first was an engineer, the second an accountant,

the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a computer

tech and the fifth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog.

"T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a

desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew

a circle, square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed

that was pretty incredible.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He

called to his dog and commanded, "Spreadsheet, do your

stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and

returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4

equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that

was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He

called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up,walked over to the fridge, took out a

quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard

and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was more than a little

impressive.

The computer tech knew he could top them all. "Hard

Drive, have a go at it." Hard Drive crossed the room

and booted the computer, checked for viruses, upgraded

the operating system, sent an e-mail, and installed a

cool new game. Everyone knew that was a tough act to

follow.

Then the four men turned to the government worker and

said, "What can your dog do?" The government worker

called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your

stuff boy." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the

cookies, drank the milk, erased all the files on the

computer, assaulted the other four dogs, claimed he

injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance

report for unsafe working conditions, put in for

workers compensation and went home for a six-month

sick leave, on full pay.

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.

She tells the salesman: "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen".

The surprised salesman replies: "But, madam, computers do not have curtains.... "

And the blonde replies :.......... "Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for a weekend to gamble. He lost the

shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of

his round-trip air ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get

himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He

got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the

driver money from home, offering his credit card numbers, his driver's

license number and his address but to no avail.

The cabbie said, "if you don't have $15, get the hell out of my cab". So the

businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to

catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his

financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling

pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a

cab back to the airport.

Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but

his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his

luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy

pay for his lack of charity and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line. 'How much for a ride to

the airport?' he asked.

'Fifteen bucks,' came the reply.

'And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?'

'What? Get the hell out of my cab you arsehole!'

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the

same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the

back of the line, he got in and asked,

'How much for a ride to the airport?'

The cabbie replied, 'Fifteen bucks.'

The businessman said 'OK' and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave

a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.

question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.

Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.

Candidate A - Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist. He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks

8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B - He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon,

used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C - He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first, no

peeking, then scroll down for the answer.

ANSWERS

scroll down

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Candidate B is Winston Churchill.

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse

* 7 have been arrested for fraud

* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks

* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

* 3 have done time for assault

* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting

* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line. You gotta pass this one on.

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each

other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight

to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about

to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests

Questions to Ponder

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that to stop Windows 95/98/etc, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made

with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" when they already know you don't have any?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy alcohol when you can't drink and drive?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said, if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Isn't the best way to save face, to keep the lower part shut?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Light travels faster than sound. Is that why some people appear intelligent until you hear them speak?

Just the facts..

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water

temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500s:

* * * * * *

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in

May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to

smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence

the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

* * * * * *

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house

had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and

men, then the women and finally the chi! ldren-last of all the babies. By

then the water was so dirty you ! could actually lose someone in it.

Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

* * * * * *

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.

It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and

other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became

slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence

the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

* * * * * *

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed

a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really

mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung

over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into

existence.

* * * * * *

Th! e floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence

the saying "dirt poor."

* * * * * *

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when

wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.

As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened

the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in

the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

* * * * * *

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that

always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the

pot.

They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the

stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then

start over the next day. Sometimes! the stew had food in it that had been

there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Pea! s porridge hot, peas

porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

* * * * * *

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When

visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It

was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would

cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the

fat."

* * * * * *

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content

caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning

and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400

years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

* * * * * *

Bread was divid! ed according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of

the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper

crust."

* * * * * *

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would

sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the

road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid

out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather

around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the

custom of holding a "wake."

* * * * * *

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places

to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to

a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out

of 25 coffins were found t! o have scratch marks on the inside and they

realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would

tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up

through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in

the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell;

thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead

ringer."

* * * * * *

And that's the truth...

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

4. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge

and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

5. An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes a wonderful inexpensive vibrator.

6. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.

7. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

8. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

9. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."

"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."

—--------------------------------------------------------------------

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?" "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.

The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the arse off his secretary."

—--------------------------------------------------------------------

Every teacher has had the experience of a put-down, but this has to rank with the very best ....A high school English teacher reminds her class of their final exam the next day. "Remember, I won't tolerate ANY excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. Silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." It took 15 minutes for the class to come to order.......

—--------------------------------------------------------------------

At a certain point in their marriages, couples get to where they have sex doggy style.

The husband sits up and begs.... and the wife rolls over and plays dead.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Two drunks were in a tavern sitting at the bar and staring into their drinks. One got a curious look on his face and asked, "Hey,Pete! You ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?" Pete replied "Yep. I was married to one for fifteen years."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A young couple on the brink of divorce, visit a marriage counsellor.

The counsellor asks the wife about the problem. She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?" The husband replies, "Well, not exactly.

She's the one that suffers, not me...."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A young boy was talking to his dad about the way he wants to die.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish?"

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head, and in a booming voice the Lord said.

"Because you have really TRIED to be faithful to me, I will grant you one wish".

The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over any time I feel

like it". The Lord said, "Your wish is very materialistic. Just think of the enormous challenges for that kind of an undertaking. The supports necessary to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the amount of concrete and steel required for such a feat. I can do it, but it is most difficult for me to justify your desire for such worldly things."

"Take a little more time", said the Lord, "think of another wish, a wish, perhaps, that would honour and glorify me".

The man thought about for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside; what they are thinking of when they give me the silent treatment; why they cry; what they mean when they say nothing; and how I can make a woman truly happy"?

The Lord said, "You want 2 lanes or 4 on that bridge"?

"I should be in charge" said the blood,

"because I circulate oxygen all over so

without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge, " said the

stomach," because I process food

and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge" said the legs,

"because I carry the body

wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge" said the eyes,

"because I allow the body to

see where it goes."

"I should be in charge, "said the

rectum, "Because I'm responsible for

waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the

rectum and insulted him, so in

a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was

bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was

toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The asshole is usually in charge

A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,

"Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,

"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

1-You have a dirty little mind,

2-You didn't read your homework, and

3-One day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

A British couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple are at the Links

ready to tee off.

The Brit's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place the ball

a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Allo! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any!"

The Brit immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the Sake of St.

Paul, here's 50 pounds. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee... Her skirt

blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Bejesus woman! You've no knickers! Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me!"

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of St. Patrick, here's

30 punts. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over

her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.

"Hoot mon woman! Why d'ye have nae knickers?"

She too explains, "You nae give me enough housekeeping money to be able to

afford any!"

The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of St. Andrew,

lass, here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a wee bit."

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence

and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little BILLY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your

thinking."

Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice

cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the

one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with

the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

~~~~~~~~~

LITTLE BILLY ON...MATHS:

Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in

arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6,"replied BILLY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

~~~~~~~~~~

LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:

Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are

going to learn multi-syllable words, class.

Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

BILLY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."

Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a

blowjob."

~~~~~~~~~~~

LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a

show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same

sentence twice.

First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father

bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little

Michael.

"My mum planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!"

Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she

was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful."

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is . . . going all the way.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!!

Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead

chickens at the windshields of airliners, and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console,

snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

You're going to love this......

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken."

Anagrams

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMANHITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS NO MORE Z ' S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'MA DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters:THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters:TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:

When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left

over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Liverpool manager Gerard Houllier sends scouts out round the World looking for a new striker to replace Emile Heskey and hopefully win Liverpool the title.

One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So Gerard flies to Iraq to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at home to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. Houllier gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on and he takes off Emile Heskey.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

"Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me".

"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time".

The young lad says 'oh i'm really sorry to hear that.'

"Sorry!" says his Mum, "It's your bloody fault that we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

Here we have a little male bashing

Men are like ........Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like ........Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ........Vacations ...... They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like ........Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ........Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ........Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ........Coffee ...... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night long.

Men are like ........Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ........Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like ........Government Bonds ...... They take sooooooo long to mature.

Men are like ........Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ........Popcorn ...... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ........Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like ........Lava lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ........Parking Spots ..... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped

Subject: The Wisdom of Peter Kay ... and every one is true !

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong !

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

LIFE

A philosophy professor stood before his class. Wordlessly he picked up a

large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with stones, about 2" in

diameter. He asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it

was.

So then the professor picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the

jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open

areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was

full. They agreed it was.

The students laughed.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of

course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I

want you to recognise that this is your life.

The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health,

and your children - things that, if everything else was lost and only they

remained, would mean that your life would still be full. The pebbles are the

other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand

is everything else, the small stuff.

If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or

the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and

energy on the small things, you will never have room for the things that are

important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your

happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take

your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the

house, give a dinner party and fix the shelves. Take care of the rocks

first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is

just sand."

But then a student took the jar that everyone had agreed was full, and

proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the

remaining spaces, making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is.........

No matter how full your life is, there is always room for beer.

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by

:-) and

:-( respectively.

Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of his dad, bouncing up and down. The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts.

Worried about what her son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time", says the

boy. "Why is that?" asked his Mom, puzzled. "Well, when you go shopping,

the lady next door comes over, gets on her knees, and blows it right back up."

GOD AND EVE

"God, I have a problem."

"What's your problem Eve?"

"I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals as well as that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy,"

"And why is that Eve?"

"God, I am lonely and bored and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well Eve, in that case I shall create a man for you"

"Man? What is that, God?"

"A flawed base creature with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain. He will revel in childish things. He'll be bigger than you and will like fighting, hunting and killing things. He won't be too smart so will need your advice to think properly. He will have a limited emotional capacity so will need to be trained. He will look silly when aroused, but since you've been complaining of boredom, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs and you need never be bored again."

"Sounds great", said Eve but what's the catch, God"

"Well, you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that, God?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, so you'll have to let him believe I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret. You know, woman to woman."

A very interesting, short test.

=================================================

This is a genuine psychological test. It is a story about a girl.

While at the funeral of her own mother, she met this guy whom she did not

know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much the dream guy she was

searching for that she fell in love with him right then and there but

never asked for his name or number and afterward could not find anyone who

knew who he was. A few days later the girl killed her own sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister? Give this some

thought for a while before you scroll down. DON'T CHEAT!

Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.

If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a

test by a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same

mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in this test and

answered it correctly. If you didn't answer correctly - good for you.

If your friends hit the jackpot, may I suggest that you keep your

distance.

DOCTORS

A man walks into the doctors....

Doc - "Hello. How can I help you?"

Man - "I've got an orange willy doc."

Doc - "What??"

Man - "My willy - it's turned orange."

Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up.... It seems it could be a sign

of

stress; do you suffer from stress?

Man - "Not really"

Doc - "What about stress at work?"

Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I

worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack"

Doc - "That sounds very stressful"

Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great - half the hours, 3 times the

salary

and I feel really appreciated"

Doc - "Umm... what about your home life?"

Man - "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non-stop and

puts me

down every chance she gets"

Doc - "That sounds stressful"

Man - "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier."

Doc - "Umm... what about your social life?"

Man - "Social life? I don't really have one."

Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"

Man - "Eat Monster Munch and watch porn"

A young man called Paul wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's

Christmas present and as they had not been dating for very long, after

careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the

right note, not too romantic and not too personal. Accompanied by his

sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white

gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time.

During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and

the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without

checking the contents the young man sealed the package and sent it to his

sweetheart with the following note:

"Dear Maria, I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit

Of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your

sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears

short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the

pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly

soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart

even though they were a little tight on her. She also told me that her pair

helps to keep her ring clean and shiny, in fact she had not needed to wash

it since she had begun wearing them. I wish I were there to put them on for

you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before

I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow

into them before putting them away

as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many

times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope that you will

wear them for me on Friday night."

All my love Paul

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing

A tramp walks into a pub. 'Get out' says the barman, 'we don't serve tramps'.

The tramp says ' I don't want a drink, I just want a cocktail stick'. The barman is confused but wants to get rid of the tramp so gives him a cocktail stick and tells him to get lost. 5 minutes later, another tramp walks into the pub.

'Get out' says the barman, 'we don't serve tramps'.

The tramp says 'I don't want a drink, I just want a cocktail stick'. The barman is more confused but just wants a quiet life so gives him a cocktail stick and tells him to get lost. 5 minutes later, a third tramp walks into the pub.

'Get out' says the barman, 'we don't serve tramps, I've already told your mates to get lost'.

The tramp says ' I don't want a drink, I just want a straw'. Now the barman is even more confused. 'What the hell do you want a straw for?' says the barman.

'Well' says the tramp, 'someone's been sick outside and all the good bits have already gone'.

INNER SKELETON-----

A 63 year old widow was admitted to the hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.

FEMALE SOFA-----

A 500lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.

PRICKLY PAIR

In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

PING PONG ANYONE?

A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend was fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping-pong ball.

BLIND DRUNK-----

A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.

OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH!

A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she

let go......

Three men: one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in

the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his

forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his

ear.

When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip

in my hand."

Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to

do something just as impressive.

He stepped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He returns with a piece of

toilet paper hanging from his @rse. The others raised their eyebrows.

"Will you look at that" says Paddy, "I'm getting a fax."

Butterflies taste with their feet.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing - SCARY!!!

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

All polar bears are left-handed.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including

their eyebrows and eyelashes.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.

Don't forget to pass these weird facts on to everyone you know. They will get a kick out of it!!!

You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?

LITTLE JONNY ON ...GETTING OLDER

Little JONNY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after

another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from

him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little JONNY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a

time?"

"No" replied Little JONNY, "he minded his own fucking business!!"

************************************************************************

LITTLE JONNY ON...PHILOSOPHY

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and

you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little JONNY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little JONNY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3

women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the

sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the

top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the

one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little JONNY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the

wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

***********************************************************************

LITTLE JONNY ON... MATH:

Little JONNY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father."

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied JONNY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference? " asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

************************************************************************

LITTLE JONNY ON...GRAMMAR:

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a

show hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the

same sentence twice.

First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father

bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little

Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly

called on little JONNY.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she

was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Scott says to Mike behind him, my

elbow hurts. I guess I better see a doctor. "Listen, you don't have to spend

that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a computer at the drugstore at the

corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll

tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten

seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Scott deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine

sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak

your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Scott began

wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool

sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated

into the mixture for good measure. Scott hurries back to the drugstore, eager to

check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits

the results.

The computer prints the following:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will

never get better.

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we

raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when

they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Betty. Aunt Betty was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of

bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she

killed the last ten with her bare hands.

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't f--- with Aunt Betty when she's been drinking."

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity British Constitution Passive-aggressive disorder Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. Nope, no more booze for me. Sorry, but you're not really my type. Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight. Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

Genuine complaints received by local councils

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

... it's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

... and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

...50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age Pensioner and need it badly.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

PRODUCT WARNING

Due to increasing products liability litigation, alcoholic drink manufacturers have accepted the government's suggestion that one of the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers of alcohol:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the

hell happened to your bra and knickers.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are

whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like

a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends

over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can

sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that

ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the

morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have

mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you hurting yourself or being

hurt.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the

morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of

inexplicable carpet burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you

are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are

laughing WITH you!

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the

time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: the consumption of alcohol may mack you tink you can tipe

reel goude.

FIREMAN

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day (yes - that's right, they're not on strike) and said to his wife :

"Y'know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station.

Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.

Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.

Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.

From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.

When I says Bell two', you jump on de bed.

When I says 'Bell tree', we's gonna mek love all tru de night."

The next night he came home and shouted

'Bell One' and she stripped naked.

'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed.

'Bell Tree', and they started to make love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell Four".

" What de hell is 'Bell Four'?"

She replied : "Roll out more hose, man, you aint no where near de fire."

If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him.

2. Under no circumstances may two guys share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow attendees.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not - and should not - provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination. Beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call out, "Bullshit!" (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits ... forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every increment of hotness she scores on the classic "1-to-10" Babe Scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may, however, gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

1 Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission. He, in return, is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be regarded as spies until they demonstrate a knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. If a guy's zipper is down, that's his problem. You didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or even like his girlfriend's cat.

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare the excuse about joining the priesthood.

19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel ... and it's free.

20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

2 A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. (Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin'," then you may sit back and enjoy).

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:

"Yeah, baby, push it!"

"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"

"Another set and we can hit the showers."

"Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be referring to his beer choice.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules ! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE !

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Saturday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair.

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost ever question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

Check your oil! Please.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that; it's genetic.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation or monster trucks.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

No NO you really do have too many shoes. AND purses!!

It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked. One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing." He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60,off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas, he was stuck. "Go up to the road and get help," he said. "But i haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and i can't pull him out! "The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs, replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, i'm afraid there's no hope for him."

A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually a Scotish lorry driver pulls over.

Where they going?" asks the Scott chap.

"Do us a favor mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."

"Happy days," says the Scotish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.

The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the scotish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on

board. Panicking, he flags him down again.

"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take

them to Chester Zoo!"

"I did," says the bemused scotish fella, "but there is still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers."

Alex Ferguson calls Beckham into his office. 'David', he says, 'I

need to talk to you about your performance against Leeds the other

night, you were bl**dy hopeless, completely off form.'

'Sorry boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a

few problems at home.'

'Oh dear' says Fergie, 'Whats up? Posh & the kids Ok?'

'Oh, they're fine, it's just that something is really bugging me

and

I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my

football and it's really messing me head up.'

'Whatever's the matter?' says Fergie.

'Well boss, It's pretty serious. Victoria bought this jigsaw puzzle

the other day and.........'

'A JIGSAW??' shouts Sir Alex. 'You're playing s**t because of a

jigsaw?'

'Yeah boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing me head

in!' says David,

'It's really hard, it's this picture of a Tiger

and it looks really easy on the box and I'm sure I've got all the

bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing

my head in and, and........

'David, David, David' says Fergie, 'You better get a grip son and

quick.'

'Ok boss, but.............It's this picture of a Tiger and it

looks really easy on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits

and everything but I can't do it and it's doing my head in

and.......and....it's a Tiger and it looks easy but it's really

hard and er, it's a Tiger and everything, er...on the

box...er.....sorry boss.'

'Ok, Ok' says Sir Alex, 'bring in the bl**dy jigsaw and let's have

a look shall we. It can't be that difficult'.

'Thanks boss.' says David.

So Becks brings in the jigsaw and takes it to Fergies office.

'Here it is boss' he says, showing Ferguson the picture on the

box, 'look boss, it's a Tiger right, and it's a really good

picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard

and its doing my head in and everything..'

Becks empties all the pieces from the box all over Fergies desk.

Sir Alex looks at what's on the desk, looks up with his head in

his hands and says to Beckham...........

(Trust me, it's worth it)

'Put the f***ing Frosties back in the box David'.............

One day, God speaks to Noah.

'Noah', he says, 'I want you to build another Ark.'

'What, like the last one?' asks Noah.

'Yes,' replies God, 'except this time, I want it to have 14 decks.'

'And shall I lead all the animals into it, two by two, like last time?'

asks Noah.

'No, this time I only want you to lead fish into it'.

Noah is a little puzzled. 'Just fish?' he asks.

'Yes' says God. 'In fact, just carp.'

'Just carp? Why carp?' Noah quizzes.

'Well,' says God, 'I've always wanted a multi-storey

carp Ark!'

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up hers

when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing

over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up,

quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before

she says a word, Bob says "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.

Confused - but excited about her good fortune - the woman wraps back up in

the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower.

"Who was that?" her husband asks.

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch

when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one each."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas,

driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing

on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas

and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

The English class got homework, which was to construct a sentence containing

the topical word "contagious".

Next day, wee Cove Mary is asked to give her answer first, "I heard on the news last night that farmers are worried since foot and mouth disease is very contagious"

Round of applause from class and sits doon.

The next kid stood up (Kincorth Ken) and said, "When Morrice the butcher's brither had the flu last week, his brither, Morrice the butcher, sent him home from the shop since the virus was contagious".

Round of applause from class and sits doon.

Dreading the response, the teacher asks Tam the young Torryloon to recite

his. "Last nicht I wis watchin the TV fan my aul man says, 'Hemmin look at

this'. I wint ower tae the windie and there wis the mannie next door pintin his

gairden fence wi a half inch brush. The fence wis 40 yards lang and fower

fit high. My aul man says, "Wi a brush that size that job's goin tae tak that

contagious".

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone

says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can

intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only

son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the

fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of

Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In

turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply

religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt,

Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins:

Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parent's

objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high

school drop out. However, after being married 15

years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later

remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were

living with them, she wanted to keep her previous

name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they

produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva

Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and

subsequently married the Happens brothers in adual

ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper

announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The

Schitt-Happens children were Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt,

and Hoarse Schitt. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left

home to tour the world. Herecently returned from Italy

with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Family

History Recorded By Crock O. Schitt. So now when

someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can

correct them.

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited

to begin tracking down high-powered offenders-just as the Enron or

WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit

dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and

the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day

interesting by havin a little fun with the Rabbi.

"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when

we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now

and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual

question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in

his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What

do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the

crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box

back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo

balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from

the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is

save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send

them to the I.R.S."

"The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the I.R.S. " ...and about once a year,

they send us a little prick like you."

Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen

Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World

Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on

This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's

formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire

match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off.

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's

nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What

does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath

away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big

race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about

coming from different positions."

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live

said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I

once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl

Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from

Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag."

The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hill and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.

"Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says,"Feck dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too feckin' dangerous for me."

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes out the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a 'SPLAT'!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting noider."

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head

"Feck me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you feckin' hengliding!

Take off all clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper

according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.Walk to

bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If seen by husband

along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the

bathroom. Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick out belly.

Complain and whine about getting fat. Get in shower. Look for

facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wideloofah and pumice

stone Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added

vitamins,"cos you're worth it.

Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamphrey conditioner with enhanced

naturalcrocus oil.Leave on hair for 15 minutes. Wash face with crushed

apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red raw.

Wash rest of body entirely in ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that

it's all come off.Shave armpits and legs.Consider shaving bikini area

but decide to get it waxed instead. Scream loudly when husband

flushes toilet causing the loss of water pressure and turning it red

hot. Turn off shower. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray

mould spots with suitable mould remover. Get out of shower and dry

with a towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super

absorbent second towel. Check entire body for remotest sign of spots.

Attack with nails or tweezers (if you can find them). Return to

bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If seen

by husband, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom

to spend an hour and a half getting ready.

How to shower like a man

Take of clothes while sitting on bed and leave them on the floor in a

pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If seen by wife, shake knob at

her and shout "wey hey! "Look in mirror, suck in gut and admire

your manly physique. Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch nuts and

smell fingers for one last whiff. Get in shower. Don't bother to look

for wash cloth because you do not need one. Wash face and

armpits. Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower. Wash nuts and

surrounding area. Wash arse remembering to leave some fetching hair

on the soap. Shampoo hair but don't condition. Make Mohican hairstyle

with shampoo. Pull back the curtain to see self in the mirror. Piss

in shower. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water

on floor due to curtain being outside of shower for the whole

time. Partially dry off.Look at self in the mirror, flex muscles and

admire size of knob again. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat

on floor. Leave bathroom light and fan on. Return to bedroom with

towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob and

go "yeah baby!" whilst thrusting pelvis towards her. Put on

yesterdays clothes.

SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information

The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete

fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.

GEORGE W BUSH

We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to

Know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken

is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.

COLIN POWELL

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite

Image of the chicken crossing the road.

TONY BLAIR

I agree with George.

HANS BLIX

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet

been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

DR SEUSS

Did the chicken cross the road?

Did he cross it with a toad?

Yes, the chicken crossed the road,

but why it crossed I've not been told.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads

Without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.

Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good

enough.

TRICIA

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to

the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of

how it experienced a serious case of moulting, and went on to

accomplish its dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in

peace.

ARISTOTLE

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX

It was an historic inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN

What chicken?

SIGMUND FREUD

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed

The road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES

eChicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file

your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and

Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move

Beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON

What is your definition of chicken?

THE BIBLE

And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU

SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and

there was rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS

Did I miss one?

HOMER SIMPSON

Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n

Very proud to be British Because...

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to

the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can

buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and

a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to

the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the

drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and

then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want

to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating

rink.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of srewdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening

bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

and finally.........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the loo

RULE BRITANNIA!!

A woman went to her boy-friends parents house for Christmas Dinner.

This was her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman began to feel a little discomfort.

Thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli caserole.

The gas pains were almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decided to relieve herself a bit and let

out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boy-friends father

looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair,

and said in a rather stern voice,

"Skippy!"

The woman thought, this is great and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer

"rrriiippp"

The father again looked at the dog and yelled,

"Dammit Skippy!".

Once again the woman smilled and thought "Yes!"

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip.

This time she didn't even think about it.

She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,

"Dammit Skippy, get awway from her, before she shits on you!"

Metaphors from GCSE English papers...ah, the minds of todays youth.

_____________

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like

underpants in a tumble dryer.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to

dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with mvegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the

grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

Even in his last years, Grandpa had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31p-a-pint night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first of several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.

She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

2002 Darwin Awards

It's that time again . . . . . They are finally out again. You all know

about the Darwin Awards - it's an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

And the nominees are :

7 . A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,

because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with

milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

6 . A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber

hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to a one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was

inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of

his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

5 . Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

4. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt

to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.

3. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the

pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

2. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and

a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.

The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalised.

1. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the

smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building

extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the

building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were

dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating

in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

The latest nominee for this years Darwin Award (awarded to people for incredible feats of stupidity) goes to.... Orlando Sentinel --

Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.

Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.

Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a

foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside.To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.

Stella Awards.

The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.

The following are this year's candidates:

1. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

2. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500

and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour ' s beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner ' s neighbour fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and

medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.

Mr. Truman apparently didn ' t notice there was someone at the wheel of

the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor ' s hub caps.

4. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of

Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her

coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms.Carson had

thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

5. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house

he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get

the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning.

He couldn ' t re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and

garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and

Mr.Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days.He subsisted on

a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food.He sued the

homeowner ' s insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental

anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

6. Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a

jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was

running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson ' s son.

7. This year ' s favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma

City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor

home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner ' s manual that he couldn ' t actually do this.The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.

And who says attorneys aren ' t worth their salt?

CYCNICAL

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water.

His camel dies of thirst.

He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed

his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the

sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand,and discovers what

looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is

wearing a Inland Revenue ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three

wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an

Tax Inspector."

"What do you have to lose! ? You've got no transportation,

and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.

And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK,

kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare

gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says

"I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:

"If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached"

Two peanuts walk into a bar

One was a salted.

A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:

"A

beer please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.

The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." That

sounds

like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field,

Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I

don't believe you," said Dolly.

"It's true, no bull'.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm shorts. The

shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, "I've lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Answer-phone message

"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well,"

says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and

examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going

to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy"

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5

people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad......or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't

findany.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he

couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the

steaks are too high.'

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by

a strong currant.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire

in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

A man walks into doctor's office."What seems to be the problem?" asks

The doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.

"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered

with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says "dam"

Subject: Radio WBAM FM

If you don't laugh at the end of reading this then there's something

wrong with you... :-)

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game

is called "Mate Match".

The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or

seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is

then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with

phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three

questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of

Big shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the

funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate

Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,

Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have

said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this

morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with

us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous

hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's

work number and call her up. You listen to this."

3 minutes of commercials follow.

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"

(touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right

now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not

to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules

of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be

completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah.

If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to

Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the

Magic's game. the whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to

work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect

his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question

away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse ....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station

break"

GOING FOR A McShit

Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're

just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your

declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a Mcshit with

Lies.

AEROPLANE BLONDE

One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS

Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT

The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3

in the morning.

BEER COMPASS

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze

cruise, even though you're too pi$$ed to remember where you live, how you

got there, and where you've come from.

BOBFOC

Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

BREAKING THE SEAL

Your first pi$$ in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After

breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be

required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

BRITNEY SPEARS

Modern Slang for 'beers', e. g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".

BRUCE LEE

Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).

DRINK-LINK

A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common

to visit one before going out on the booze.

SSSSSSSSSSHHHH1111111111111TTTTTTTTTTTTT

The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.

GREYHOUND

A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS

A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in

a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars

that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of

training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES

The contents of a Wonderbra, i. e. extremely impressive when viewed from the

outside, but there's actually fu(k-all in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo!

Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet

after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub

is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI

The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up,

whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed

instead.

NELSON MANDELA

Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).

PEARL HARBOUR

Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out

there (there's a nasty nip in the air)

PICASSO AR$E

A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got

four buttocks.

SALAD DODGER

An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

STARFISH TROOPER OR AR$ETRONAUT

A homosexual.

SWAMP-DONKEY

A deeply unattractive woman.

TART FUEL

Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.

TITANIC

A lady who goes down first time out.

TODGER DODGER

A lesbian.

UP ON BLOCKS

Menstruating i.e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't

think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".

WALLACE AND GROMIT

Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.

WYNONA RYDER

Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e. g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a bottle

of tart fuel please Doreen"

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town. One day he was

walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation

sitting in a pub drinking beer. The reverend wasn't happy. He walked through

the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my

congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald

stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend

realised that she'd had far too much to drink and

grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance

and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the

reverend wound up on top of Mrs Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi Mate, we won't have any of that

carrying on in this pub."

The reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand,

I'm Pastor Flapps."

The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as

well finish."