Beginnings

Beginnings
one person's process

A combination of a vivid imagination and a deep love of reading laid the first foundations; from an early age I delighted in games of make-believe, and my mother often bemoaned that she had to tell me to stop in order to complete necessary chores like getting ready for school. An unfortunate sense of estrangement at said school also added a touch of loneliness, and so more often than not my imaginings would involve some sort of loyal and beloved companion. (If you can see where this is going, you get a pat on the head.)

It was around grade six that I first picked up the novel Northern Lights (known as The Golden Compass in some countries). It was a love affair from the very start. As well as being a fantastically intriguing story, the concept of daemons appealed very strongly to the part of me that long for the kind of companion Pullman promised.

Unsurprisingly, my invisible friends sometimes began to take on the title of 'daemon'. If I remember correctly, I named 'him' Tremanel. However, he was still largely controlled by me consciously, and would gradually fade away every time my passion for the books waned. I did not view them as remotely real back then, as I could see quite plainly that there were no special animals trotting around after humans in this world. Occasionally he would return if I re-read the novels, but he was no more than fantasy.

It was not until the June-July school holidays of 2005 that a significant change in opinion was spurred. I was fourteen years old, fifteen come October, and had yet again been seized with one of my compulsive obsessions, inspired by yet another reading of His Dark Materials. I used my newfound fascination with the internet to scour multiple pages, looking up any information I could find on the series, especially those pertaining to daemons, which still remained my primary delight. Naturally, I stumbled across the exstensive fansite Bridge to the Stars. As it did not have the information I was seeking - I believe I was looking for somewhere that might have looked into and analysed animal forms, in one of those 'I wonder what I'd be settled as' quests - I began browsing through its provided links.

One was the link to The Daemon Page.

My first reaction was incredulous scepticism; a fairly normal reaction when presented with a notion you would never have believed possible. Though I was wary about the apparent insanity of the site master, the Analyses Index the page provided intrigued me, so I examined the site a little out of association. Gradually, over several days, the concept of daemonism began to grow on me. The more I thought about what this Okibi was proposing, the more it seemed to make sense to me. Add to that the fact I was still very much infatuated with the desire for a daemon of my own, and somewhere along the line I experimented, resulting in a daemon around the date of 7th of July.

I do not remember the first contacts very well, unfortunately. I don't think it was so much a case of asking "Are you there?" and getting back a reply, though that may well be the case. As I was still captured by that wonder of what I may be settled as, I - shamefully - concentrated a lot of my attention on that. A few years back I had considered Tremanel as a margay, and to my extreme pleasure TDP did in fact have an analysis of it. And several points fitted. I decided this was therefore obviously my settled form.

Next came a name, of course. Killy's name came from a source, which in turn came from another source. I reluctantly confess that the original foundation was a character in Warcraft III, named Kil'jaeden. I had been oddly taken with the name, which I had discovered the year before, but being well aware of plagiarism laws, I had changed it in order to use it as a character in an epic novel I was writing (which totalled about nine pages before I lost interest). I decided it sounded suitably mystical for a daemon, and so Tremanel became Kilmaeyon. As he never argued the point, it is (obviously) still in evidence. Other names have been experimented with, occasionally other nicknames, but I don't imagine it will ever change now.

Some conversations were bound to be had. Alas, I don't remember them at all.

The first step into a stronger relationship, and a better form, came when I one day abruptly realised I could not see Killy in the margay form. The visualisation was difficult, and even constant photo referencing failed to ease the struggle. This was confirmed during a day at the beach in which I realised Killy was somehow taking an entirely different form - a grey, long-haired and yellow-eyed domestic cat. It was the very first form he took entirely of his own voalition, and it prompted me to admit that I was most likely incorrect about margay being the settled form.

Cat quickly became his favoured form, but I still fretted. After seeing that I had been biased with margay, it seemed likely that I could also be biased with cat - they were my absolute favourite animal, after all. I decided to e-mail the mysterious Okibi herself, under an alias, and send her an RA. Her reply did not mention cat in any form; instead, it was "either small bird, or coyote".

Though she had in fact pointed us in the right direction, I unknowingly fell victim to that bias I had been trying to avoid. Coyotes did not interest me, as I barely even knew what they were, but I had always had a fondness for small birds. In a fit of utter stupidity, I turned to the internet and located a small bird I found physically appealing, and declared myself settled as a white-breasted woodswallow.

Killy rose up in a massive independant protest. He hated the woodswallow form, and was immensely reluctant to take it. Even after several arguments, in which I pleaded with him to give it a try, he remained resistant, and I eventually gave in. He resumed taking his feline form, but I no longer had any confidence in it. I was self-perceptive enough to know that I was nowhere near as self-sufficient and bold as a cat. In fact, the more I considered my own personality - which I really should have been doing from the beginning - the more I realised that I fell quite strongly under the parameters of a canine-like person.

I turned to a handy book on domestic dogs. After examining more breeds than should have existed, I came to the conclusion that I simply wasn't social or even loyal enough for that sort of creature. I still felt canine was my best bet, but not a domestic. In a show of patriotism I mused on dingo, before suddenly recalling Okibi's e-mail and the suggestion of coyote. I read the analysis again, more thoroughly, and flicked through pages and pictures regarding the animal. Killy took the form.

Three years later I doubt he settled as we had first imagined, but it is undoubtedly the form that yet fits me best, and has the greatest chance of being that final form when the time comes.

There have been doubts. There was a week in which I wavered so strongly I very nearly stepped back for good. There were three days we seriously toyed with dove form, and many other points when I reconsidered domestic dog, having gained more knowledge and realising that not all breeds are that social or loyal. The community has helped us bide through these times, and together we have created our own little sliver of existence that seems as stable as its ever been. Will I still find daemonism a beneficial frame of thought twenty years in the future? I cannot tell you. But here, and now, and as we are, we're not too bothered. It's not the kind of thing that truly has a beginning or an end.