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When Love Turns To Ashes
Often the results of divorce are lasting. It has an affect on us, on our lives, on our children, on family and friends. Everything changes. The end, death of relationship, family life, companionship, and life as we knew it is over. What looks like an easy way out of a relationship for some is imprisonment for others.
There is nothing easy about divorce, nothing good about it, and there are no winners. Everyone involved loses. The family unit is gone,the partnership of two loving people are gone, the security and companionship is gone. The role of the parent in the home is lost to the child, as the child has to bear the burden of conflict between the two parents and often has to become the parent. The child is lost. You lose your identity, yourself, the life you're accustomed to.
The standard of living changes for everyone involved. For those who were barely making it as a couple financially, once divorced, they live in poverty. For those who are well off as a couple financially that standard of living is reduced by half for the both of them. The life style you're accustomed to is no more.
You lose friends and family who get tired of your burdens. You soon retreat to staying home alone instead of going out. It's no fun doing things alone they say, so you don't. Eventually you don't want to face the world, answer their questions, and you're tired of pretending you're ok and life is grand. The mask you wear is tiresome but necessary. Just keep smiling, don't let them see your pain. That's what you think, that's what you feel. They don't know it, because you hide it well.
If you've been the rejected or betrayed, you fall into the pit of feeling worthless and so unloved and alone. Your self esteem falls through the floor, it goes so low. You lose confidence in yourself, the person you are, and your own strength and ability. You question everything about yourself and about the past relationship, the cause of it's failure, and eventually you will find some way to blame yourself.
If you did the rejecting for good reason, you still question your decision to end the relationship. You have all these ifs and maybes crossing your mind. Maybe if I had just took it, maybe if I had tried harder, maybe if I had stayed longer, maybe he or she wouldn't have cheated again, maybe he or she wouldn't have abused me again. Maybe maybe if if.
Maybe the relationship you're in looks bad now, you think the grass is greener somewhere else, but it's artificial grass you're looking at. After the damage is done to the heart and lives of those who love you, there's no going back, no saying I'm sorry and heal the boo boo. So the relationship you think is so bad, probably is not so bad after all. So, he or she isn't perfect! No one is. Did you know of their imperfection when you married them? I assume your answer is yes. So why quit now? If the marriage can be saved, save it. Do everything you can to salvage it. Just because we get tired doesn't mean we give up. It means we work harder to make it work. Hand in hand, together.
Children. Uhoh what happens to the children? The children feel like failures, feel it's their fault the marriage failed. It's their fault Mom or Dad left. Maybe if they had done this or that Mom or Dad wouldn't have left them. You see in the child's eyes, the parent leaves the child. Then a custody battle takes place. The child loves both parents. One is undermining the other and the child is torn. The parents fight, argue, struggle over the child's love, time, and what the child believes as truth in the situation. It get's nasty. The child suffers, retreats, withdraws, acts out, goes into depression, often needing counseling. The child you knew disappears. A new child emerges, a sad one, a troubled one, a depressed one.
The fight over assets, child support, pension funds, alimony, turns into a nightmare. One can't live without it, the other can't live with it. The cruelest things are done by the stranger your best friend has become. You stand amazement they could do such a thing after all you gave and sacrificed.
Your emotions become as a rollercoaster and it never stops. Fear will consume you. Anger might take control. Your heart may harden, you're so bitter. The pain will be so great at times you think you will die. You might find yourself curled up in a ball praying to die. You want him back, you want her back, you still love that person, just can't let go, just can't accept it's over. You ask a million questions, you look for things you can do to win that person back, to save your marriage. You're frozen in the moment of agony, misery, pain, grief, regrets.
The top reasons divorce happens are: Alcohol, drugs, infidelity, abuse, financial gain. The most common reason given is "love but not in love." When the good times end, so does the marriage. Also, when one doesn't want responsibilites anymore, it's easier to walk away than meet them. If it's easy, then do it, if it takes effort, it's time to quit. That's the attitude.
The affects of divorce are great. The most difficult things you experience during the process were given by some who have gone through it, and those are:
Lonliness.
The unfairness of the situation.
Low self esteem.
Letting go after Acceptance.
Trying to keep a step ahead of a dishonest ex.
The concept of failure.
Dealing with the legal process while under the grief/depression concept.
Finding myself again.
Where to go for support.
How to be functionally complete and independent.
Trying to understand the change.
Trying to allow God to work with me and turn it over to Him.
How to look at tomorrow as another opportunity.
Needed most to hear that I could make it alone.
Fear of rejection.
Everlasting damage is done. If you're thinking of divorce, think about all of the above, and ask yourself is it worth it, do you really want it. If your mate has asked for a divorce, this is the ride you can expect, so prepare yourself, tighten your seatbelt, and hold on for dear life. This roller coaster has no brakes. Knowledge is power, REMEMBER THAT. The more you know about this, the more able you are to understand and cope with everything as it comes.
All you have read on this page are the remains of love, the results of the death of a love, love turned "Steal Cold." Divorce. This is the big ride, the roller coaster, the train that won't stop. If you just stepped on, fasten your seatbelt and hold on tight.
As one Divorce Survivor says "Be determined to not go through the pain without gain for yourself and others."
This is a theme of thinking, attitude and behaviour we should all adopt if we're in this process. Be willing to learn, to be better because of it. Through our loss there is much to gain, take what you learn from it, apply it, use it in your own life and reach out to others in the process.
Take advantage of the resources on this site and follow the link to Divorce Survivors Support Group for chat with others who are going through the same pain.
Read read read all you can on the subject, and be open to learn things about "you" and be prepared to find relief from the understanding you will gain. Amazon.com has a lot of good reading on this subject.
By Lucy Dudley
Copyrighted 2003
