I am getting ready for the holidays. I am feeling anxious this year since it is going to be lots of firsts. First year of having a High Schooler, who still wants to hang and do the fun holiday stuff, and not fall behind in his "need to do" school stuff.
We are still figuring out this High School stuff, I really liked it better when we could through the curriculum out for a few weeks and just hang out, watch Christmas shows, bake cookies and decorate the house. I did put off some "need to do" stuff since I think that if he still wants to hang with mom and brother and do holiday stuff, I should be happy and enjoy his desires to do family stuff. We comprimised though.. he is still doing science and math while we are doing the fun holiday stuff. Seems fair, I guess... like I said this is another first for me. High School... geez... the pressure..on ME! LOL!
One other first I have to deal with this year is the holidays without my father. He passed away in Feb so this is my first Christmas without him. I am scared, waiting with anticipation for the bottom to drop out of my holiday. I keep trying to tell myself, all is well, but I can't quiet get over the feeling that I am about to fall apart. Part of me wants to just do it to get it over with, but another part wants to be strong and supportive to my mom and my kids. I really do love the holidays! It will be different without my dad though!
Oh well, it is a great time of the year, and no matter what, I have my family and my God to help me through these firsts. I hope that your family is having fun getting ready for Christmas too. I hope you get to relax and reflect on the love that surrounds you, and that you get to spend time with family and your Lord!
Gee Wiz, It's been ages since I blogged...
I don't think many have been anxiously awaiting my latest blog, but here it is anyway. I am so relieved that school is done for a while in my house. We are really enjoying those wonderful days of spring/summer and the fun that goes along with them!
We are scheduled for 3 camps this year.. Two are residential camps that my kids will be going to and one is a daycamp that my sons and I are all working at. We are really loving the break and the boys are sleeping late as well as just hanging out and doing things that interest them.
That reminds me how important it is to have some down time... without down time you will find that you don't have time to persue your interests. My son is now deciding that he wants to make a movie with the video camera. Without the down time he would have NEVER decided to do such a thing! I look forward to seeing whatelse my kids are interested in during this summer of fun and relaxation!
Never under estimate the power of down time! (Just don't let them sit and play video or computer games for hours on end... That will kill the creativity)!
It has been a long time since I added a blog on here, but I needed to tonight. I am sorry, but it may be a bit long and personal. I just need to sort my feelings and thoughts and writting seems to help!
You see, my Grandmother died today. This is my last grandparent so in a way it seems to usher in a whole new era of my life. An era where in natural order, my parents are at the top of the food chain. Death seems closer now and life seems so fragile and quick. I am a Christian, so I don't think I am afraid of death, just dying, but still it seems like I need to work harder at raising my boys now, just in case my number is closer then I previously thought. Silly isn't it.
But what I really want to say is that I love my grandmother, you see she was my friend too. My parents bought the house just a half a block down the street when I was four. I have been able to walk to her house alone for as long as my memory goes back. She would watch me walk home at night time leaning out of the porch door to make sure I stayed safe all the way home. I was allowed to visit her house even when I was grounded as a teen. She usually took my side to arguments with my folks atleast a little bit to help me through the tough times. She also tried to help me when I was suspended, I think she almost would have let me hang with her during school hours if she could have. just to keep me out of trouble. As I became an adult, I took boyfriends to meet her, I cared what she though of them. Funny, she was older, but often times more open minded about how a person looked and could read their hearts. Later, I would sit with her and share a bottle of wine and sit and let her tell me all about her life. I would usually have to ask lots of questions to get her started, but then she would share lots with me. She told me about my grandfather who I barely remembered since he died when I was about five years old, I loved to hear her talk about her parents, and when she was just a girl, I loved to hear her talk about when she bought a car without even talking about it with my grandfather, he just came home one day and she said "like that car out front?" he said "yes" and she said "good it's ours" It was their first car and she wanted to surprise him so he wouldn't have to take the streetcar to work anymore! She also tore down walls in the house while he was at work, tore down and rebuild the front and back porches all while my grandfather worked and watched their TV. These stories all gave me a sense of who she and my grandfather were! I thank her for them!!!
Now as a mom, I still live 7 houses down from her and although I didn't get the time to sit and chat with her as often, she never changed in the fact that she was still always there for me. Carrots for soup, milk or a cup of sugar, she always had it and was always there. She would share soup with me, invite me down for fried fish since my family didn't like it and shared flowers out of her garden with me. We laughed together a lot and occasionally cried together. Now there is no together, it is just me and my precious memories of her. I miss her already and I know that will only grow as her house goes on the market to be sold and the neighborhood goes on without her. My life will too go on without her, but there will be a empty spot now that only she could fill. She was a wonderful grandmother and friend. I miss her!
I hope that I can somehow pass on to my boys and someday, my grandchildren how special family is and how special my grandmother was. I want them to get to know the strong, independant woman that I knew. I want her to stay alive in my memories and then in theirs. That is the very least I can do to memorialize a truly remarkable lady!
She was in her 80's and still it seems that her life was too short. I am not ready to have her out of my life, not yet People who mean well say things like "she had a good long life" and they are right, it just I think there is too much left of my life that she isn't going to be a part of anymore. I know it is selfish, but I want her around for me! I need her and I love her and now I have the rest to do with out her guidance and companionship! Yes, right now it is all about me and my needs and wants. Sorry, isn't that the truth really when we grieve. It is all about us!
Well, I guess I will end this by saying that life is precious and that you need to love those God has given you to love. Grandmom I love you! and thank you for more then words can ever say!
