DomLijBilEans,
the series
A downloadable version is
available here
(please right-click-save)
(Dutchie)
-Somewhere in Holland-
Blond-Girl-in-pj's: *Sitting behind computer*
Blond-Girl-in-pj's: *Is Dutchie*
Dutchie: "Hahaha, oh dear, these guys are
cracking me up! I wish there was some kind of portal to see them!"
*Bright Light comes from the fireplace behind her*
Girl-with-glasses-covered-in-ashes: "Dutchie! Thanks God I didn't miss my
turn!"
Dutchie: "Eh?"
Girl-covered-with-ashes: "Come on, you have to go with me, now! It's
important!"
Dutchie: Wait!
Girl-covered-with-ashes: "We have to get the others, and and..."
Dutchie: "WAIT!"
Girl-covered-with-ashes: "We must get there as soon as possible!"
Dutchie: WAIT!!!
Girl-covered-with-ashes: *Waits*
Dutchie: "Who are you?"
Girl-covered-with-ashes: "You mean...you don't know me anymore?"
*Lips start shaking*
Dutchie: "Uhmm no..."
Girl-covered-with-ashes: *Starts crying*
Dutchie: "Ermm, Jessica? Eva? Gwyneth?"
Girl-covered-with-ashes: *Cries harder*
Dutchie *Panicking* "Dory? Willemieke?... Waffle?"
Girl-covered-with-ashes: *Grins broadly* "See! I knew you'd remember me!
Now come on!"
Dutchie: "Wait!"
Girl-covered-with-ashes-now-known-as-Waffle: "What?"
Dutchie: "I'm in my pj's!"
Waffle: "So"
Dutchie: "Well I can't go.... wherever we are going in my pj's!"
Waffle: "Why not? They're nice pj's!"
Dutchie: "Please, let me dress myself properly..it'll take a minute"
-3 Hours later-
Dutchie: "Ready, did you have to wait long?"
Waffle: *Covered in spider webs* "Nah...Now let's go!"
Dutchie: "Wait!"
Waffle: *wails* "What next?"
Dutchie: "What is going on exactly?"
Waffle: "Sorry, but I'll explain when we are all together."
Dutchie: *hopefully* "But we'll need weapons, right?"
Closet: *Is opened*
Dutchie: "I'll take my Elvish sword, by daggers,
my bow and arrow...and my wand"
Waffle: "Great, can we finally go NOW?"
Dutchie: "Good"
Waffle: *Throws some Floo Powder in the fireplace*
Waffle: "Rena's place!" *Walks into the fire*
Dutchie: *Hesitates* *Writes a quick note*
Dutchie:"Oh well" *Follows Waffle*
(Waffle)
-Somewhere in Arkansas-
girl-asleep-in-bed: *snore*
*bright light comes from the fireplace which magically appeared there, thanks
to waffle's own wand*
Waffle: *creeping up with some shaving cream, cheese wiz, and silly string,
giggling*
Dutchie: "You want her to like you when she wakes up, don't you?" *whispering*
Waffle: "She'll get over it."
Dutchie: "I thought she was allergic to silly string..."
Waffle: *hangs head in shame* "Finnneee....
BOO!"
Girl-who-was-once-asleep: "AHHHH!"
Waffle: "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
*Waffle runs around in circles from a very angry Rena*
Rena: "... How did you get here, anyways? And...
Why is a blond girl in clothing here?"
Waffle: "I have my ways... And Dutchie insisted on changing. I have no
idea why! I'm in my PJ's... your... sniggle... in
your pj's...."
Rena: "Riiiight, I'm not going to ask."
Dutchie: "Hello, I'm here! I'm not just a wall decoration."
Waffle: "I'm ignoring you for plot purposes."
Rena: "Do you have any idea what she is talking about?"
Dutchie: "No."
Rena: "Not that I expected it to be any different."
Waffle: "PLOT MANIPULATION!!!!!"
Rena: "Someone has had too much sugar...."
Waffle: "Come! Both of you! To... HM's house we
go!! Hobbitmum!"
*leaps into stove*
Ignorant-Rena-Who's-only-seen-the-movies-and-doesn't-remember-floo-powder-from-the-movies:
"Ahhh!"
Dutchie: "Don't worry, it's perfectly harmless!"
*She follows*
Rena: *Shrugs* "Well, everyone else is doing it."
*follows too*
(Hobbitmum)
-Hobbitmum
wakes up to see three figures who look vaguely familiar spraying cheese whiz
and silly string on her husband -
Hobbitmum: “Hey you guys, that's my husband not me. Good thing he slept through
it too.”
Rena: “It was hard to tell in the dark.”
Hobbitmum: “Ok, seeing he is like 9 inches taller than me, but wait a sec while
I throw some clothes on.”
-2 minutes later-
Waffles: “What took you so long?”
Dutchy: “That wasn't long,
you waited three hours for me!”
Hobbitmum: “Well let's just be going before anyone wakes up. I so don't want to
be here when my husband wakes up covered as he is.”
Hobbitmum leads the way back to the fireplace and all disappear in a puff of
smoke.
(Dutchie)
-Fast forward-
-Waffle's bedroom-
*Everyone around is sitting around a campfire in the
middle of the room, which is burning holes in the laminate*
Waffle: "Dear ladies and perhaps even gentlemen. We are brought here
together"
Stewie: *NORT*
Rest: *Giggle*
Waffle: "What?"
Dutchie: "Duuude, do you have to sound like a
reverent?"
Waffle: "Sorry"
Hobbitmum: "No problem"
Waffle: "Well, the case is..." *Starts
explaining*
Waffle: "Blahblahblah stories blahblah time and space blahblah
collided"
Rena: "Do you have any idea what she's talking about?"
Dutchie: "Just nod and smile"
Rena: "Really? Does that work?"
Dutchie: "Well, my science teacher buys it."
Hobbitmum: "Sssssst!"
Waffle: "So we have to help them."
Hobbitmum: "So what you are basically saying is that some people from
books and movies are brought here in our world?"
Everyone: "WHAT?"
Rena: "Can we keep them?"
Waffle: *Hits* “NO! I just explained we can't...the whole universe is out of
balance, it'll go kabloie!”
Rena: *Rubs head* "Just asking" *Sniffle*
Stewie: "So they all appeared here...in your bed room?"
Waffle: "Yes"
Dutchie: *Looks around* "Well, where are they?"
Waffle: "Nervous" "Well ermmm, I had
to hide them out of sight of my parents..."
Hobbitmum: "Which is..."
Waffle: *Stands up, walks to her desk and opens a drawer*
Dutchie: "Dude, you put them ALL in your drawer?"
Waffle: "Errrrm....yeah."
Everybody: "Duuuude"
Hobbitmum: "Ooooh, let them out, those poor dears!"
Waffle: *Turns drawer upside down.*
(Rena)
Waffle's room: *is suddenly very very very crowded*
Rena: “How the heck did you fit them all in there?”
Waffle: “Let's just leave that to the don't ask, don't tell policy, 'kay?”
Rena: *nods and starts inspecting the inhabitants of the drawer*
Inhabitants: *are LotR characters and Lost characters and HP characters and
some people Rena doesn't recognize and a few LotR actors for good measure*
Stewie: “So, now, the mission is get them all home?”
Hobbitmum: *spots Frodo* “Do we really, really have to?”
Dutchie: “How long do we have?”
Waffle: “I TOTALLY JUST EXPLAINED ALL THAT! Were you all just smiling and
nodding the whole time???”
(Waffle)
Everyone-in-the-room: *nods*
Waffle: “Now, we must find the magic portal of the Knights who say Ni, offer
them a shrubbery and... wait...”
Dutchie: “Cut down the mightiest tree, with a herring?” *Dun da!*
Waffle: “Yes! The ones those shippers always talk about! You know,
the red ones?
Rena: I'm lost here. How do we find this portal?”
Stewie: “The knights will show us the way!”
Waffle: “After we give them a shrubbery?”
Dutchie: “Ekke ekke ekke ptang zoo boing!”
Everyone: “AHH! NO!”
Rena: “I say, give them a shrubbery! You know I'm not dead you know.”
*pippin pokes head out of drawer*
Pippin: “I am fictitious!”
Everyone else: “NI!”
Pippin: “AKK NO! Not the NI!”
Random: “Ni!”
Stewie: “What about the Rabbit who guards the portal?”
Rena: “What about it? We have the holy hand grenade!”
Dutchie: “Must we do this quest? Can't we say Ni! And get it over with?”
Sam: “Um, excuse me... But Mr. Frodo's gone missing.”
*muffled noise under Waffle's bed*
Rena: “What was that?”
Waffle: “Nothing.”
HM: *looks under bed* “It looks like... Frodo... and he's...”
Waffle: “That's my RC. I swear.”
Frodo: *in tiny voice* “Help... me!”
HM: “NI!”
Dutchie: “Nice try.”
Rena: “Hmmph.” *Pulls out poor Frodo*
Waffle: “Well I had to try! If we had found the portal we would have had to use
the holy hand grenade, and then how'd we know he's not dead?”
Hobbitmum: “How'd you know he's not dead now?”
Frodo: “I'm not dead...”
Waffle: “He's very sick.”
(Rena)
Rena:
*glomps Frodo* “He's sick! We need to take care of
him!” *is torn for a moment but ultimately goes where duty calls and heads down
to Hobbity's kitchen in search of chicken soup*
Hobbity's mom: “Who are you?”
Rena: “Um...ah...well...I'm a figment of your imagination.”
Hobbity's mom: *raises eyebrow* “SARA!” *goes off in
search of daughter*
Rena: *complacently makes chicken soup and takes it back to Hobbity's
room, where things are chaotic, and gives soup to Frodo*
Frodo: *being a Hobbit, is suddenly complacent with food in his hands*
Hobbity: “My mom suspects something, Rena...”
Rena: “Oh, did she talk to you?”
(Dutchie)
Hobbity: "Yes, and she came in my room! We
had to stuff all the people back in the drawer again!"
Rena: "Oooops, it went well I hope?"
HM: "Well, the greasy-black-haired guy got his fingers stuck..."
Greasy-black-haired aka Snape: *Sniffle*
HM: "...but Dutchie seemed to be delighted to take care of that."
Dutchie: *Pulls wand* "Nownow, Sevvey...this won't hurt a bit" *Says spell*
Snape's bones:*Are healed*
Stewie: "Are they supposed to be bending that way?"
Dutchie: "Oops!"
-A while later-
Stewie: "So we'll take care of MP first?"
Waffle: "That's the plan."
HM: "So what will we do with the rest of the people?"
Dutchie: *Hangs on to Snape* "Take them with us off course!"
Rena: "Yeah! Seems like a good idea to me!"
Waffle: "Well, okay, but I think we should introduce ourselves properly
before we go. Some of us don't know each other."
Rena: "Good point."
Dutchie: "Well, okay. This guy over here is Severus Snape, a wizard, there
are Fred and George. I think you know Sayid and
Charlie over there. The guy hiding underneath the table is Sir Robin. Then we
have Frodo off course, and Sam, and Pip...Merry should be around here
somewhere..."
(HM)
HM:
“Well you know that I want to take Frodo and Elijah with me!” *cradles sick
Frodo in her arms ala Sam Gamgee.*
Random people: “We Know!!!!”
Rena: “Well, I'll take Pippin and Billy and Sir Robin.”
Hobbity(with a snarl at HM): “I'll take Dom and
Charlie and Merry.”
Dutchy: “I'll take the rest!!!”
-Everyone grabs the people they are going to take and head toward the
fireplace. HM who is last in line due to carrying the very sick Frodo stamps
out the campfire so that Waffles mom doesn't get suspicious.
As the last person disappears in a puff of smoke, Waffles mom enters the room.
Noticing the remains of a fire on the floor she makes a mental note to punish
Waffle when she finds her.-
_Sometime later_
Deep in the woods of Spamalot
HM: “Wheew I need to put Frodo down, he's getting
heavy.” *lays Frodo gently down.* *Frodo however is feeling better thanks to
the chicken soup.*
Frodo: “Crazy lady, I can walk you know.”
HM: *Sniffle*
Waffles: “Frodo, have some compassion on her she was trying to help.”
Frodo: “OK. I'm sorry, but it's just so embarrassing to be carried by a girl.”
Rena: “Look guys can we deal with this later, we only have so much time you
know.”
Dutchy: “Yes and these Monty Python people are
itching to get home.”
(Luther)
*Luther suddenly appears in the room donning a
feathered cap , tights, some empty halves of coconut
and some medieval robes.*
Luther: “Wha--? But that talking gypsy machine said
she was sending me to
*turns to see GP's standing around*
Luther: “Holy crap! Waffle! Rena! HM! Dutchy! Stewie!”
All of the addressed: “Yeah?”
*Luther suddenly sees Legolas and Elijah and the others and turns, drool in
mid-drip, and she prepares to glomp*
DLBEs: “No, Don't! It'll--!”
*Luther freezes in mid-glomp and can't seem to do
anything but talk*
Luther: “Help! the DP has mid-glomp-drool
frozen me!”
DP: “Hehe...that’s what you get, feather-capped, out
of region-coconuted, medieval-robed, drooled, mid-glomped fiend!!!!”
(Rena)
Rena:
*looks at Luther hanging in the air and remembers where she's seen this before*
“Clap your hands.”
*Luther claps, and falls to the ground, able to move again*
HM: “Where did you learn that?”
Rena: “Call it an adminly secret.”
Hobbity: “I'm an admin! I need to know this secret!”
Rena: *whispers* “Ella Enchanted, dear. Watch it closely”. *knows, of course,
that everyone has heard this* “Anyway, we must move on. Luckily Luther has brought
horses for us all!” *mounts*
Luther: *clops coconuts*
Everyone else: *gets on and follows Rena before her horse gets too far ahead*
Dutchie, who's at the back of the line: “Umm, Rena, where exactly are we
going?”
Rena: “I have not a clue! But we're in a series, and people in a series never
take a wrong turn unless it's useful to the plot. So no worries! We MUST be
going the right way!”
(Dutchie)
Dutchie: "Okay, come on everybody!"
Fred & George: *Clap along happily*
Snape: "This is ridiculous!"
Fred: "Aw, come on, Sev! Get a sense of
humor!"
Snape: "FIFTY POINTS FROM GRYFINDOR!"
-Hour later-
Luthien: "Behold! Camelot!"
Hobbitmum: "Camelot!"
Dutchie: "Camelot!"
Waffle: "Camelot!"
Rena: "Camelot!"
Stewie: "Camelot!"
Pippin: "It's only a model!"
Merry: "Pippin! Shhhh!"
Legolas: "It's a castle!"
Rest: *Groan*
Waffle: "Gee, howEVER did you find that
out?"
Legolas: "It has towers!"
Rest: "Groan some more"
Sayid: "Not very bright, is he?"
Dutchie: "Oh he is, but he just like to state the obvious."
Charlie: "No kidding."
Rena: "Well, we've got to go there."
Hobbitmum: "But first..."
Merry & Pip: "LUNCH!"
Rest: "YAY!"
Huge blanket with food: *Folds out*
Stewie: "So here we have some mac and
cheese"
Elijah: "MINE!"
Dutchie: "Lembas"
Legolas: "I like lembas!"
Dutchie: "Let's share some."
Legolas: *Thinks* "Okay"
Luther: "Here's peanut butter."
Charlie: "I'll take that, my dear!"
Luther: *Melts*
Waffle: "And here we have...brussel
sprouts?"
Rest: "EEEEEEEEEEW"
Snape: "What? I like brussel sprouts!"
Dutchie: "Dude! I knew you was weird, but THIS."
Snape: "FIFTY POINTS FROM...erm, what house are you in?"
Rest: *ROFL*
(Rena)
Rena: *is pleased to see that everyone's
favorite food is included and starts munching carrots and mushrooms with the
Hobbits*
Hobbitmum: “Shouldn't we be going along to Camelot?”
Hobbity: “Do you REALLY want to stop this lovely picnic?”
Hobbitmum: “Well...no...I want to finish my brownies...”
All DLBES: *perk up* “BROWNIES?”
Rena: *long sigh* “This should add a whole new dimension to things...”
Brownies: *are devoured entirely too quickly and seem to affect the Hobbits
first*
Hobbits: *seem hyper*
Pippin: “Let's go!” *leads group in a run away from Camelot*
Sir Robin: “DON'T RUN AWAY! DON'T RUN AWAY!”
Hobbity: “Well, that's a switch...”
Rena and Hobbity: *get everyone back on track*
Merry: “I don't think we ought to be going to Camelot...”
Sam: “Since when do you think?”
Pippin: “I think he's right!”
Snape: “For the love of all that is holy or unholy, will somebody PLEASE shut
them up?”
All DLBE's: *collective gasp*
Dutchie: *runs to shield Snape from dagger glares*
(Waffle)
Snape: “I'm a death eater and I'm ok!”
*general glares from the population*
Snape: *Gulp* “I mean, I'm a former death.. eater?”
Harry: “YOU KILLED MY PARENTS!”
Snape: “Nope. Sorry.”
Harry: “YOU KILLED MY GODFATHER!”
Snape: “Nope. I don't believe I did.”
Harry: “...”
Hermione: *Pets Harry's arm* “It's Ok Harry. We will go find a nice Weasley for
you to yell at.”
Harry: *Sniffle* “I love you Hermione.”
Hermione: “I love you too, munchkin.”
*general barfing from the Weasley Population*
Harry: *sobs* “I love you more! Don't deny it!”
Hermione: “Hunny Bunny, don't cry, I'll get you a
hanky.”
Harry: *blubbers* “Don't leave me!”
Hermione: “Hush now, sweetums, I won't.”
Harry: “Everyone leaves me! My parents, my godfather...”
Frodo: “I can relate. At least you got a girl. “*Scowls*
Harry: “NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME! DON'T PRETEND YOU UNDERSTAND ME, SHORTIE!”
Frodo: *widens blue eyes and Waffles leeches onto him*
Waffle: “Don't cry sweetums, he's just a sad boy.”
Frodo: *sniffle* “He called me Shortie.”
Dutchie: “Of course he did. You are short.”
Frodo: *eyes water*
Sam: “What did you say about mister Frodo?!”
Dutchie: “That he's shor- AHHH!”
*Sam tackles Dutchie*
HM: “Now Sam!”
*Rena and Hobbitmum pry him off*
Frodo: “I'm not short.“ *Tear*
Waffle: “Of course your not.” *Carries Frodo like a two year old*
Dutchie: *Slightly bruised* “You know we won't get anywhere if people don't
calm down.”
Waffle: “It's BISSS. Brownie Induced Story Separation Syndrome. If characters
are kept too long from their various storylines they tend to become confused
and hyperactive. It starts when you feed them brownies.”
Rena: “That’s not good.”
Snape: “I enjoy Spam.”
Hobbitmum: “Good for you, dear!”
Snape: “I like big black cloaks! Swish swish!”
Hobbitmum: “Of course you do.” *Rolls eyes*
Frodo: *Buries head on Waffles shoulder and hiccups*
Hobbitmum and Rena: *rush to help Waffles comfort him*
Harry: “NO ONE EVER COMFORTS ME!”
Hermione: “Of course they don't.” *Soothingly pets hair*
Harry: “I HATE CHEESE!” *bawls*
Hermione: “Of course you do.”
Harry: “I want to marry you.”
Hermione: “I do too.”
Ron: “What about me Hermione? Harry! You loved GINNY-!”
Dutchie: “NO SPOILERS!”
*general chaos insues*
(Rena)
Rena: *on hearing of BISSS, hides brownies from
all non-DLBEs...but it's too late, of course*
Merry: *digging in picnic basket he's being made to carry* “What's this?”
Pippin: *pulls out the Mountain Dew*
Frodo: *jumps off Hobbity and pours drinks all
around* 
Merry: *turns the basket upside-down, jumps up on it, pulls Pippin up next to
him, and they sing the D2D version of their song* 
Merry & Pippin:
”Oh, you can search far and wide
You can drink the whole town dry
But you'll never find a Dew so great
But you'll never find a Dew so great
As the one Shelly makes
As the one Shelly makes
You can drink your fancy ales
You can drink 'em by the flagon
But the only Dew for the brave and true
Comes from the Green Dragon!”
Frodo: *runs around the basket in his version of dancing* 
Dutchie: “Who's Shelly?”
Hobbitmum: “And who said anything about the Green Dragon?”
Rena: “Nevermind. Really.”
Pippin: “Who IS Shelly, come to think of it?”
Merry: 
Frodo: “Can we stop by the Green Dragon?”
Rena: “We'll see. Whenever we get to Hobbiton.”
Frodo: “Pretty please?” *uses the power of the One...er,
Two Blue Eyes...*
Rena: *can't resist*
Hobbitmum, Luther, and Dutchie: *all hold Rena back from glomping
poor Frodo*
Frodo: *blinks* “So we will stop, then, right?”
Rena: *blinks* “Absolutely...whatever you want, sweetie...”
Frodo: *smiles and mutters* “Works every time...”
Snape: “Could we maybe, I don't know, GET ON WITH THIS?”
Dutchie: “Sure! Come on!” *leads the way off towards the setting sun*
...thirty minutes later...
: “It's dark...”
Hobbity: *can't resist* “Well, thank you, Captain Obvious!”
Legolas: *pouts*
Luther: *glomps him*
Ron: *gathers sticks*
Hermione: *lights fire with wand*
All: *bask in the glow*
Sam: *pulls tent out of Enormous Backpack and sets it up, luckily it sleeps
about twenty*
Rena: “Here, Frodo, this spot next to mine seems really soft... “
(Waffle)
*Waffles is suddenly on the other side of that
particular spot*
Frodo: “If I don-didn't knows better I'dvvvv saaaaaaayd...” *
*
Rena: “Mountain Dew has strong effects on hobbits when combined with brownies.”
Hobbitmum: “Therefore you packed it on purpose.”
Rena: * *
*Hobbits snore loudly as the trio of HP try to sleep as far away from Snape as
possible, who's humming "Jaws" while eyeing an eyelash curler and
throwing devious looks in their direction*
Elijah: *Sleeps just as nicely as the Hobbits in the middle of the tent, tied
to the poll 10 feet in the air. Upside down.*
Dom: “”I told you he could sleep anywhere, Hermione!”
Hermione: “He never ceases to amaze...” *Stares at Lijah
dreamily*
*Harry and Ron start eyeing that eyelash curler as well*
Dutchie: “So now that the Monty Python people are back, what do we do now?”
Waffle: “We do the Hobbits/Lord of the Rings people last.”
*Vigorous nodding from the rest of the DLBE's, who are interrupted loudly by
Aragorn singing "Edelweiss" while flinging around his sword*
Charlie: “Watch where you fling that thing!” *Hugs Claire protectively while
Claire tries to dig a hole through the tarp with Bob the Penguin*
Stewie: “What a Zoo!”
Rena: Luther doesn't seem to mind.
*Luther is currently avidly discussing bandanas with Orli,
who's convinced they are talking about bananas and insisting he likes mushy
ones that are bright yellow*
Hobbitmum: “We all need sleep! We need to go to Hogwarts before Harry and Ron
kill Elijah.”
Waffle: “I LIKE Harry being jealous!”
Harry: “Are you talking about me?”
Waffle: “Yes.”
Harry: “Everyone talks about me! I'm sick of it.”
Waffle: “Are you post-seventh year Harry?”
Harry: “Yeah, what about it?”
Waffle: “TELL ME HOW IT ENDS!” *Launches into corner pulling Harry with her.
Dutchie plugs ears*
Dutchie: “NO SPOILERS!” *Sam is curled up at her elbow* “... What?”
Sam: “I love you.”
Dutchie: “Um... You’re getting married to Rosie, remember?”
Sam: “Rosie who?” *Starry eyed, looking up at Dutchie*
Dutchie: “SNAPE! Have you been messing with love potions?!”
Snape: *Sniggers*
Harry and Charlie: *Crawl out of their respective corners* “Can we have some?”
Snape: “Sure!”
Capt. Jack Sparrow: “DRINKS ALL AROUND!”
Snape: “No! Not my love potions!”
Dr. Jack: “Those aren't scientifically possible.”
Locke: “See? Your a man of science, I'm a man of faith. I believe those would
work! Try one on Claire!”
*They do, and gather to see the effects. Claire leaps onto Charlie and smothers
him with kisses*
Locke: “See?”
Rena: “EVERYONE! BED! NOW!” *Tucks Frodo in and throws blankets everywhere*
Waffle: *Looking stunned*
Rena: *Whispers over Frodo* “What?”
Waffle: “I can't believe that's how the seventh book ends.” 
(Rena)
*the next morning*
Waffles: *wakes to find Rena fiddling with laptop, Frodo asleep leaning on
Rena's shoulder* “What are you doing?”
Rena: “Checking the board.”
Waffles: “All the posters are HERE, you dolt!”
Rena: “Maybe we missed some lurkers who are posting now since we're all
slacking off.”
Waffles: “Maybe. But what about Frodo?”
Rena: “Well, he got up and he was fascinated by the computer so he
watched...but he fell back asleep and I didn't have the heart to move him...”
Waffles: “Can't blame you there. When did you wake up?”
Rena: “You say that like I went to sleep.”
Waffles: “YOU'VE BEEN ON THE INTERNET ALL NIGHT???”
Everyone else: *is awake now*
Rena: “Yeah. Pretty much.” *shrugs*
Frodo: “So tell me again, about this...post?”
Waffles: “Later. We need to head out again.”
Thirty minutes: *pass*
Rena: *realizing that Dutchie is busy trying to avoid Sam* “So, Sevvy...”
Snape: “You shall address me as Professor Snape.” *evil glare*
Rena: *bright sunshiny oblivious smile...she's not a Hogwarts student, so she
doesn't have to live with consequences* “Right, then, Professor, I'm assuming
that with your OBVIOUS skills with potions, one of those love potions lasts
forever? They don't...like...wear off, do they?”
Snape: *takes the flattery bait* “Indeed. They are permanent, when used
correctly.”
Rena: *evil gleam* “How much?”
Snape: *arches one eyebrow*
Dutchie: *interrupting conversation* “Professor Snape, is Rena bothering you?”
Rena: “I'll talk to you later, then?” *scampers off
to walk next to Frodo*
Snape: *turns to Dutchie* “Such a polite child, that one.”
Dutchie: “She's an admin. And she's not even an HP fan.”
Snape: “That's not the impression I got...”
Luther: *is conversing with Will Turner about whether it was really ashes or
just chocolate powder that he got all over him when he and Captain Jack Sparrow
fought in the blacksmith shop*
Hobbitmum: “No, Pippin, I really don't think that singing "99 Bottles of
Rum On the Wall" will make the trip go faster.”
Captain Jack Sparrow: “Rum? Where?”
Legolas: “Nowhere!”
Capt. Jack: “Going blonde, are we, Will? It's a nice look on you, really.
Rena: “No, thank God...”
Capt. Jack: “She's not? Then why IS the rum gone?”
Snape: *burps* “Pardon me.”
Dutchie:
Elijah: *falls prey to ESS*
Hermione, Rena, and Waffle in unison: “Aww, are you
okay?”
Elijah: *is flattered by the attention* “Really, ladies, I think I'm okay.”
Rena: *offers hand up*
Elijah: *takes, and stands*
Waffle: *gives get-well brownies*
Elijah: “Now, really, that's not necessary...” *munches get-well brownies
anyway, not realizing that they have extra special ingredient in them to help
the healing process*
Hermione: “Oh dear...” *seems to be the only level-headed person amongst the
whole group*
Merry: “How come none of these so-called Wizards are like Gandalf at all?”
Dutchie: *cringes*
Hobbitmum: “Hush, now, Merry! Do you always have to blurt out the first thing
that comes into your head?”
Charlie: “I can relate.”
Merry: “You don't know me!”
Claire: “Let him be, Charlie. Talk to me.”
Aaron: *coos*
Rena: “Aaron! Can I carry him for a while?”
Claire: “Sure!” *hands over baby in carrier and Rena is currently occupied, for
once not by watching Frodo*
Claire and Charlie: *fall to the back of the group*
Snape: “ANYWAY...I think I can answer the Halfling's question.”
Merry: “Good, then. Tell me.”
Snape: *raises wand*
Dutchie: “NO! You are not going to turn him into anything unnatural! Or natural!”
Snape: *pouts* “Can I put a spell of silence on him?”
All DLBE's: “NO!”
Frodo and Sam: *twiddle thumbs*
Luther: “Um, guys, Charlie and Claire were right behind me...and they're...kinda gone now...”
Will: “We must rescue them!”
Aaron: *cries*
Rena: *wisely hands him off to Hobbitmum, who probably actually knows something
about babies* “You don't suppose...Ethan came, too?”
Waffle: “RuleWraith?”
Rena: *bops Hobbity* “The OTHER Ethan! The Ethan RuleWraith
is NAMED after!”
Waffle: *turns white* “Hey, I didn't know I changed colors!”
Dutchie: “FOCUS, Waffle!”
Waffle: *becomes fuzzy and then sharp again*
Rena: “Leave Miss Leonard Literal alone for a moment. Now, we have to find
Charlie and Claire before we can go anywhere.”
Locke: “Let's split up into two groups.”
Dr. Jack: “Now, now, let's not be hasty. There's safety in numbers.”
Hurley: “NO, THERE ISN'T!”
Waffle: *mutters* “4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42...”
Rena: *bops Hobbity*
Snape: *walks to small cave that the group had just passed, pushes aside bushes
covering door, to show Charlie and Claire*
Charlie and Claire: *are snogging happily*
Snape: *smiles at Rena* “See what I mean?”
everyone else: *is clueless*
Rena: *is plotting*
(Waffle)
Frodo: “Rena, could you stop staring at me like
that?”
Rena: “Why?”
Frodo: “It makes me uncomfortable.”
Random Star Wars Geek: “PADME AND ANI! PADME AND ANI! PADME AND AN-!”
*Strider whacks him on the head with the blunt side of his sword and he shuts
up and falls to the ground*
Everyone: “Thank you very much!”
Waffle: *Is giving Rena the evil eye* “What are you planning Ren-!”
*Is distracted by Lijah, who just tripped into her,
knocking her into a mud puddle*
Lijah: “I'm so sorry!” *Helps Waffle up*
Waffle: “No worries. I enjoy living in filth. I did spend a few months in
Rena's stomach, you know! If I told her once I told her a million times, eating
dirt makes you sick!”
*Runs away from a Rena seeking vengeance as Frodo is now eyeing her
disgustedly*
Waffle as Larry the Cucumber: “Rena's very angry! I hope she doesn't catch me!
It's so hard to run with this sombrero on my head!”
Dutchie: “What sombrero?”
Waffle: *whips one off Will Turner's head* “This one.”
Hobbitmum: *Watches Rena attempting to tackle Waffle* “Since they are busy,
what are we going to do about Food?”
Merry and Pippin, tugging at Hobbitmum: “Food! Food! Food! Food! Food!”
Snape: “50 points from the Shire!”
Sam: “Dutchie, Fairest of them all! Thy golden head is like... gold... bling. Oh how I sing to the lady of bling
who's got a mighty thing that is a hat! Oh sweet lady of the tomato shaped
hat!”
Hermione: “He's clearly delirious.”
Harry: “Oh really?” *Bit miffed at her being enamored over Elijah*
Ron: “Would you like a tomato on your head, Hermione?!”
Hermione: “No, how d'you think you came about having
one as a brain?”
Ron: *Sputters* “Well you clearly-“
Harry: “Don't you DARE talk to my Hermione that way!”
Dutchie: 
“YOUR Hermione?”
Hermione: “The reason for that is really quite simple, Ms. Angua.
Waffle is writing what we do in this piece, which means we have to behave
whatever way she wants. It's the same with Ms. Rowling and writing us. We have
to do whatever she says regardless of our own feelings and notions. I believe
the formal term is f-”
Waffle: “HERE! CATCH! I'm interrupting you for my own means! Hah!” *Throws
sombrero at her*
Hermione: *Catches* “Now why would she do that?”
Harry: “Might it be the fact Rena seems to think that whoever is wearing the
sombrero is now her enemy and is heading straight towards you?”
Hermione: “Waffle! Stop writing such things!”
Waffle: “Make me!” *Writes about Rena tackling Hermione with a gleeful sniggle*
Hermione: “AHHH!” *Is tackled by Rena, who then realizes she got the wrong
girl. Forgets the girl she's after anyways, and goes to discuss Food with
Waffle, Stewie and Hobbitmum*
Stewie: “We clearly aren't feeding them brownies again.”
Waffle: “BISSS is starting to wear off. We don't need that again.”
Hobbitmum: “Guys-”
Rena: “But what should we feed them? What's safe?”
Hobbitmum: “You shou-”
Stewie: “ 
?”
HM: “Really guys-”
Dutchie: “Help me please! He won't let go of my leg!” *Sam is serenely holding
tightly to Dutchie's leg, and no matter how hard she shakes her leg, he stays
attached*
Snape: “Well really, it's just a simple antidote. I don't have any on me at the
moment-”
Rena: “There are antidotes! That won't do. Don't let Waffle hear.”
HM: “GUYS-!”
Waffle: “Hear what?”
Luther: “Oh no! Look at Merry and Pippin!”
*Everyone turns to look at them*
HM: “Sure, you listen to Luther!” *Looks disgruntled*
Waffle: “NOOOOOO!” *launches at Merry and Pippin in slow motion. Both of them
have just discovered the remaining Mountain Dew and Brownies*
Rena: “A relapse of BISSS might send them over the edge permanently!” *Everyone
else is moving in normal time except for Waffle, who is dangled in mid air*
Stewie: “Waffle, Stop this instant!”
*Waffle halts in mid-air*
Luther: “Now how do we get her down?!”
HM: “Don't mind that now! The Brownies! DLBE's! Attack!”
*Merry and Pippin flee*
(Dutchie)
Dutchie: "Accio
Merry & Pippin!"
Merry & Pippin: *Fly back to Dutchie*
Hobbity: "Great spell work, Dutchter!"
HM: "Will they be okay?"
Dr. Jack: "I'll see what I can do."
Rena: “Good, maybe we should stop here for a while.”
Dutchie: “But we have to get to Hogwarts, don’t we?”
Waffle: “Yes,
Dutchie, but for that we need a portal. We’ve been searching for it since we
put the MP guys back. Didn’t you notice?”
Dutchie: *Irritated* “Sorry, but it’s a wee bit hard to notice anything when
you have a Hobbit holding on to your leg” *Evil glare at Snape*
Snape: *Whistles innocently*
HM: “Anyway, Sayid has made a device to find the
portal. We’re gonna test it now.”
Locke: “No need to test it, the portal is somewhere right here. My nose has
never failed me.”
Radar: *Starts beeping*
Locke: “See?”
*Everybody kicks down and relaxes, while Dr. Jack takes care of Merry &
Pip*
Captain Jack: “Uhh, guys. I have the feeling we are
being followed.”
Dark figure behind Waffle: “I must say, your friend is very bright”
Waffle: *Looks behind her* “AAAAAAAAH! SOMEONE CLONED SNAAAAAAPE!”
Rena: “Hobbity, did ya eat to many brownies or do you
need better glasses? This guy hardly looks like Snape.”
Dutchie: “Well, they do actually. They’re both pale, skinny, black-haired and
sarcastic bastards, no offence.”
Strange guy & Snape: “None taken.”
Snape: “Wait…”
Rena: “Yeah, but this guy is older, has a beard and has blue eyes!”
Dutchie: *Ponders* “It’s Lord Vetinari!”
Strange guy: “Correct!”
Dutchie: “From the Discworld!”
Vetinari: “Correct again, I’m the patrician of Ankh-Morpork.”
Rena: “The what?”
Stewie: “Some kind of steward.”
Vetinari: “And I have more company from the Disc.”
Hobbity: “Who?”
Second dark figure: ME
Legolas: “You are skinny!”
Rena: “It’s Death!”
Death: WITH MY HORSE
Big white horse: “Neigh!”
Stewie: “Pretty! What’s his name?”
Death: BINKY
George: “Have we found the portal yet? Fred and I have to get back to our
shop!”
Dutchie: “And I need an antidote for Sam.”
Sam: *Is singing a love song for Dutchie*
Charlie: “Well Locke, what does your nose say?”
Locke: “It says “Out of order””
Waffle: “So…Mr. Animal Doctor Thingy”
Dutchie: *Hits* “That’s Lord Vetinari for you!”
Waffle: *Sniffle*
Vetinari: “Vetinari is
enough, or
Waffle: “So, Vetinari…have you noticed anything
strange on your way?”
Vetinari: “I’m afraid not.”
Rena: “And you, Mr Death?”
Death: I NOTICE MANY THINGS, THING THAT ARE, THINGS THAT WERE
Stewie: “And thing that haven’t yet come to pass?”
Death SOMETIMES, YES.
Vetinari: “Is there some bread left? We haven’t eaten
in quite a while.”
Death: AND I COULD MURDER A CURRY
(Rena)
Rena: *is still plotting, throughout*
Hobbitmum: “I'm starting to worry about Sam.”
Both: *look at Sam still clinging to Dutchie, though now he's piggyback*
Rena: “Ya think?”
HM: “Who did that to him?”
Rena: “I think that the Snape dude did it so Dutchie would be occupied and
leave him alone. I mean, I think he likes her okay, but that probably freaks
him out so he wants to talk to her on his own terms. Or I could possibly be
reading a lot into the way he looks at her with his arched eyebrows.” *smiles*
“I just love happy endings.”
HM: “That's all good and well, but do you think he can make an antidote?
Because, well, Rosie...”
Rena: “Don't worry...we have a long ways to go before Middle-Earth.”
HM: “But if Hogwarts is next, and they're the ones that can make it...”
Rena: *had not thought of that, and plots even harder* “Don't worry. I've got
it all under control. I think.”
Waffle: “You DO? REALLY?”
Frodo: *smacks Hobbity with a fish* “Now, be nice, or I won't speak to either
of you.”
Rena and Hobbity: *behave beautifully*
Dutchie: “Professor, really, couldn't you maybe help me out here?”
Snape: “Well, it's been a long while since I've dealt with something like this.
I'll have to read up on it.” *pulls out book and reads while he walks*
Dutchie: *realizing that he's super-absorbed in reading, takes the opportunity
to stare at him without getting caught...but then, since she's not looking where
she's going, ESS kicks in...but this is good, because it knocks Sam off of her*
Sam: “Are you hurt, sweetheart?”
Dutchie: *blinks* “I'll live...”
Sam: “Bless you! You'll live!” *contents himself with taking her hand and
leading her, oblivious to the reason she tripped*
Luther: “So do you really believe Jack's story about making rope with his own
back hair?”
Will: *stare of disgust* “No...”
Jack Sparrow: “Well, well, well, we have a non-believer!” *throws one arm over
Will's shoulder and the other over Luther's* “Let me tell you about that
again...”
Luther: *Is pretty much content to listen*
Merry and Pippin: *are arguing about who smoked the last of the Longbottom Leaf*
Ron: “You know Longbottom?”
Pippin: “Of course not. He died a long time ago.”
Ron: *bursts into tears* “No! It can't be!”
Harry: “What now?”
Ron: “Neville's dead! What kind of warped reality IS this?”
Merry: “What kind of name is Longbottom, anyway?”
Harry: “Shut up!”
Hermione: “You tell him, lovey-dove.”
Snape: “Did I hear someone say that there's a student dead? One HUNDRED points
from their house!”
Dutchie: “Um, you realize they're not students?”
Snape: *is already back reading his book*
Ron: “Can't you do SOMETHING, professor?”
Snape: “I can ask you all, once again, to shut up.”
Waffle: “Damage control time...really, Neville's fine, I'm sure. Don't worry
about him. Just worry about...”
Frodo: *falls victim to ESS*
Waffle: “...not hurting yourselves on the way home.”
Rena: *Tends to Frodo, since she just HAPPENED to have band-aids and hydrogen
peroxide on her*
Frodo: “Thanks, Rena!” *beams happily, inspecting the
Rena: “My pleasure, honeybunch.”
HM: *to self* “If I had known I was going to end up with thirty odd kids, I
might have picked a different screenname...”
(Holz)
Holz: *Walking up behind Death and Patrician* “Sorry,
sirs, but I'm not exactly sure where we are or what's going on so maybe we
should go back to...Oh my god!”
Dutchie: “And you would be?”
Holz: “I'm Holz, vampyriccheesecake...I'm, stuck 20 metres
away through the wood with a load of Wizards who are arguing about Quantum, a
talking dog, a smelly dog...”
Patrician: “What smell?”
Holz [winces] “Erm...anyway...a vegetarian werewolf
and a really cute guy who keeps calling for his nanny and trying to sit in my
lap...not that I'm complaining...”
[the situation registers]
Holz: “Okay...Looks like I'm not the only one who's
got involved in the biggest case of literary anthropromorphication
incident since...ever...”
Rena: “How did you get here?”
Holz: *shrugs* “I don't question plot devices, mate.
Anyway, all I've got is a week's supply of dwarf bread, four baskets of welsh
cakes and three bottles of Captain Morgan's dark rum.”
Cpt. Jack: “So THAT'S why all the rum's gone!”
Waffle: “Well why don't you go and fetch your lot, and we'll make an uber quest!”
Holz: “FantAStic idea!
Could you separate Will and Legolas? If they say "You look like me!"
once more, I'll kill them, and then the fangirls will kill me!”
All lotr actors: “The fangirls? where? hide us!”
(Dutchie)
HM: “Sooo, Holz, have you seen any portal like thingies?”
Holz: “Eeeeeeh, no.”
Waffle: “Darn!”
Locke: “Guys, look up!”
Fred: “This is not a good time to pray, mate…”
Charlie: “No, we should try it, it worked the last time!”
Everybody: *Looks up*
Everybody: “OOOOOOOOOOOOH!”
Legolas: “It looks so pretty!”
Most: *Nod*
Pippin: “But how do we get there?”
Merry: “Pip’s right, it’s right there, in the air. We can’t reach it!”
Stewie: “But we have *counts* a lot of wizards! Can’t they figure something
out?”
Dutchie: “Well, maybe Severus can make us levitate through the portal?”
Snape: “A. It’s PROFESSOR Snape to you and B. How will I get up there?”
Fred: “Not!”
George: “We’ll just leave you here!”
Harry, Ron & Hermione: “YAY!” *Dance*
Snape: *Looks hurt*
Dutchie: “Aaaawww” *Runs to give Sev
a hug*
Sam: “NOOOOOOOO!” *Tackles Dutchie* “MINE!”
Waffle : “Well, as tempting as leaving him here might sound…”
Snape: *Sniffles*
Waffle: “We just can’t! The world will explode!”
Vetinari: *Gives Snape a masculine pat on the back*
“I know how it is to be hated, dear man.”
Sayid: “How do you cope with it?”
Vetinari: *Smiles* “Give them a reason to hate you,
at least it’s fair then.”
Waffle: “Guys…we HAVE to thin of something!”
Death: I CAN’T STAY AWAY FOREVER, YOU KNOW. I MEAN, SUSAN
Holz: “His granddaughter”
Death: YES, SHE WILL TAKE OVER FOR A WHILE, BUT SHE WILL HAVE TROUBLE GETTING
TO PLACES, SINCE BINKY IS HERE.
Holz: “BINKY! That’s it! Binky
can fly, right?”
Death: CORRECT.
Rena: *Grins* “I see your plan!”
Rest: *Is still clueless*
Holz: “Come on, I’ll explain.”
All: *Listen carefully*
Snape: *Yawns* *Looks interested in his nails* *Yawns again*
(Holz)
[Death is standing on Binky,
balancing, trying to get hold of the nothing matter that creates the portal
without over-balancing]
Death: ARE YOU SURE THIS IS ENTIRELY NECESSARY...ITS NOT VERY DIGNIFIED!
Holz: “you're doing fine!” [sotto voce] “Is he?”
Dutchie: “Well it ain't movin'”
Rena: “Which means neither are we!”
Holz [cracks knuckles]
Everyone: [shudders]
Holz: “Sorry...habit...”
Death: I THINK I'VE GOT A HOLD OF IT...[starts to pull porthole down a
bit...then, taller people go to grab hold of one end]
Death: I WOULDN'T TRY THAT IF I WERE YOU...THE MATTER FROM WHICH THE
INTER-PLANETARY JUNCTION IS MADE IS LIKELY TO UPSET YOUR TEMPORAL GLAND IF YOU
MAKE DIRECT CONTACT...
Holz: “And that's bad?”
Ridcully: “You really don't want to know m'girl!”
(
Dutchie: "Hey Rena, the picnick
basket has suddenly gotten very heavy"
Waffle: "Really? I thought Merry and Pip ate all the brownies and mountain
dew a while ago?"
Dutchie: *looks at merry and Pippin* “Yeah they definitely did.”
*Merry and Pippin run around in circles and crash into each other, Pip starts
to cry, but then gets distracted by something shiny which they both proceed to
poke*
Waffle: "Well then what’s in the picnick
basket?"
Frodo: "You know you could open it up to see"
Waffle: "What a brilliant idea! I never would have thought of that"
Dutchie: "He must be a genius"
*Dutchie and waffle open the picnick basket and find
Ala sleeping inside of it along with a towel, Eowyn, and an Ewok*
Rena: "Hey what’s in the picnick basket?"
Waffle: "Well, it looks like
Rena: "How did they get there?"
Dutchie: "I don't know, why don't we wake up
Frodo: "That would make sense"
*they all start poking
Waffle: *explains the situation*
Rena: "how did you get in the picnick
basket?"
HM: "But why do you have a towel and an Ewok?"
(Holz)
*Suddenly the entire portal makes a noise like: krchhhhhhhhshhhhhhh, and slips downwards. Binky, less than amused, lands, and the portal, leaning at
a forty five (possibly forty seven) degree angle, is now well within reach*
Ridcully: “Well I ain't so
sure about this demmed portal thingey.
The last time we went through a portal we got stuck!”
Dutchie: “Ah yes, but didn't that also result in your current relationship with
UU4X? The exchange programme is proving very
successful!”
Ridcully: “Good thinking that-- woman!”
Snape: [sarcastically...well duh!] “I don't suppose I could interrupt, but
certain of our members have taken the opportunity to sneak through the portal.
I have of course been forced to deduct forty points from Hobbiton House.”
Rena: “Say what?”
Snape: [flushes slightly] “I have taken the liberty of sorting certain
characters into houses, to make things easier, not that I have to explain myself
to...”
Rena: “Listen up, sugar, you are no teacher of mine, and you hold no authority
over me. You insult me, annoy me, or sneer at my hobbits once more—”
All DLB-eans: “ahem!”
Rena: “--our hobbits once more, we'll leave you here! For now, we have to follow
the hobbits!”
*she walks to the portal and climbs in, amazingly gracefully considering the
angle*
Cpt Jack: “Bloody Hobbits!”
(Rena)
Everyone: *gets through the portal, or is helped
through by someone who is through already*
Rena: “So this is Hogwarts.”
Harry: “Home!”
Snape: “Not for non-faculty members.”
Harry: *makes face when Snape's not looking*
Frodo: “It's a very pretty castle, considering the nasty name.”
Snape: “IT'S NOT NASTY!” *pulls wand*
Dutchie: *wisely uses this excuse to tackle Snape and winds up on top of him*
Waffle: “Right, then, let's head for the castle. They'll...catch up.” *sniggles
at Dutchie*
Dutchie: *blushes*
Snape: “Well, now...this is interesting...”
Jack: “This feels rather like an enchanted castle sort of thing...”
Rena: “Well, thank you, Captain Obvious!”
All the Orlis: “THAT'S MY JOB!”
Jack: “It's Captain JACK.”
Rena: “Did you ever hear that song?”
Jack: “Yes. 'Tis about rum.”
Rena: “Not quite. But whatever.”
Merry: “Do they have food in there?”
Harry: “Yes, of course.”
Merry: “Will they feed us, then?”
Ron: “That's another thing entirely.”
Sam: “I'm hungry.” *pouts and looks at Dutchie who is clearly preoccupied*
“Shouldn't she have stopped him well enough by now?”
Frodo: “She DID kind of save my life, you know. 'Cause he was going to kill
me.”
Rena: “I seriously doubt that.”
Snape: *is finally standing upright* “Come along. I shall see if I can talk us
all into there without anyone getting killed.”
(Holz)
[ext. castle]
[pan across courtyards and rooves...roofs?...to sound
of heavy knocking]
[a prefect walks up to big double doors and opens them...is slightly taken
aback, but the casual, polite urbanity of the prefect steps in]
Prefect: “Can I help you? Only the open day isn't for another month...Oh,
Professor, I'm sorry, are you having a party, sir?”
Snape: “10 points from Ravenclaw for suspected irony,
Gwynedd. Go and find as many teachers as you can, and
tell them..ah...ask them, to meet me in the dining
room. If this lot ask if I've heard of second breakfast once more, I'll expell the lot of them. Come along Angua...no
not you...DUTCH Angua...”
[Prefect does not, of course do this, she corners a group of juniors and tells
them to do it, and leads the motley group to the dining room herself...no
prefect would pass up such an opportunity!]
[int Hogwarts dining
room]
Dutchie: “Wow...it's just like they say...everything you could ever want to
eat!”
Holz: “hmmphrmmm...”
Dutchie: “Say what?”
Holz: [swallows] “Yeah...but someone ain't too happy...”
Cpt. Jack: “Where's the rum?”
Prefect: “This is a school...” [[quick X-Men tie-in]]
[wordlessly Prof. Hammelby - a little known teacher
who coaches magical dyslexia and takes the rejects Quidditch
sessions - hands Cpt. Jack a hip flask]
Orli: “The ceiling is a sky...”
[pause]
Rena: “Does that count as a statement of the obvious...only it could just be
wonder...”
Waffle: “Play it safe...”
Rena: “Right...ahem...Thank-you Captain Obvious!”
[int Hogwarts Dining
Room]
Rena: “And so we climbed through the portal, and here we are...”
[the house elves have already cleared away what was
left of the feast...all those have gathered into their relative groups]
Waffle: “So we were wondering if the wizards could combine to make specific
portals so that we can drop everyone off and get back to chattering online
about 
, , 
and
”
Dumbledore: “Unfortunately, I do not think that that could be possible. In this
world, nobody reads the books you speak of. Did you not notice that Harry and
Ron were perfectly happy to stay at Hogwarts over Christmas, when it meant they
would miss several installments of the Lord of the Rings films...”
[DLBE stare in horror]
Holz: “You mean...”
Waffle: “None of you have even seen...”
[tears well up]
Dutchie: “Well I just so happen to have brought my portable dvd
player with me...and I never leave home without the Special Collecters'
Extended Trilogy Edition of LOTR...”
Dr. Jack: “Look girls, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but explaining
the concept to Cpt Jack, let alone trying to explain
to Aragorn and Legolas and co. that their story is confined to a disc...”
Dutchie: “You're right of course...” [looks at poor
deprived characters]
[suddenly...someone hurries in]
Another Prefect: “Sorry to disturb, sir. There's someone from Hogsmeade at the door. They say a large swirling circle has
appeared at one end of the high street, and wondered if you could pop down and
have a look.”
Rena: “So soon?”
Waffle: “But I'd meant to do so much...see a Quidditch
match...”
Hambleby: “I can help you there! We film all the
major Quidditch fixtures for the Ministry of Magic to
show the Minister of Sport. We're going to try and introduce it into the Muggle Market as some sort of video game...”
[He donders off to find the tapes and some tearful
farewells are said...Hermione takes some time to let go of Will Turner's hand]
Snape: “Ahem.”
Dumbledore: “Yes, Professor?”
Snape: “I was thinking, Albus, that maybe I should
accompany these young ladies, in case they come across anything supernatural
that I could help them with...Something dangerous...such as werewolves...”
Angua: “You know you may have a point there...these
werewolves could be anywhere.”
Snape: [[glances witheringly at her] “Quite!”
Dutchie and Holz: 
(Dutchie)
Dumbledore: "Severus, are you SURE this is
such a good idea?"
Harry: "Of course it is!"
Ron: "Sure!"
Hermione: "I wouldn't dream of stopping someone to do something they've
always dreamed of!"
Snape: *sarcastically* "And of COURSE the fact that I won't be here to
teach you has nothing to do with it..."
Trio: "Gheheheh..."
Dumbledore: "Very well then, but you all have to take a bath and a nap
first. You seem to be exhausted."
Waffle: "You're right" *Falls asleep*
Rest: *Ditto*
-A while later, in the bathrooms-
Rena: "Now THAT'S a tub!"
Holz: "Yeah..."
Legolas: "What a big tub!"
Waffle: "What the...?"
Dutchie: "Legolas! This is the girls bathroom! Get out!"
Legolas: *Leaves*
Tub: *Fills*
Girls: “Squeeeee!” *Hop in*
Stewie: “Rubber ducky!”
Waffle: “Mine!”
(Holz)
[int.men's bathroom]
[int. Hogwarts
corridors later that night]
Holz: 
[goes for a walk]
Holz: *thinks* “Its a good job it's an exeat weekend so there were enough beds. I guess the God of
plot-devices is still on our side...”
Holz: “Oh, sorry sir. Didn't see you there!”
[walks into Harry in his invisibility cloak]
Holz: 
HP: “Relax! It's me!”
Holz: “What the [remembers she's talking to an under
eighteen]...well what are you doing?”
HP: “Sneaking around the castle...”
Holz: “Why?”
HP: “It's what I do! Besides, I need to talk to you. You're taking Snape with
you, that's great, but stay on your tos...I don't
trust him!”
Holz: “You don't say!”
HP: “Anyway, I'm off to the kitchens...everytime I
try and have a
Holz: “I wouldn't bank on it!”
HP: “So what are you doing up so late?”
Holz: “It just seemed like the right thing to do.”
HP: “Well anyway...have a real nice adventure. Good luck in the portals. 'Night!”
Holz: “Night!”
(HM)
-Next morning at Hogwarts-
Hobbitmum: “Rise and shine everyone, it's time to eat!!!”
Merry and Pippin: “Food where?”
Rena: “In the Dinning Hall sillies.”
Merry and Pippin: “Well you don't have to get mean about it.”
Dutchy: “She didn't mean it in a mean way.”
Rena: “Yeah, what she said.”
Pippin: “Will we get second breakfast too?”
Waffles: “Well let's find it first and get our first breakfast and then worry
about second breakfast.”
Frodo: “That makes perfect sense.”
Waffles: (adoringly) “Thanks Frodo.”
Hobbitmum(glaring at Waffles) “Brown nose.”
Holz: “Now now ladies,
let's be nice.”
Hobbitmum: “Sorry Waffles, I'm really not nice until I get my coffee in the
morning.”
Waffles: “I forgive you.”
HM: “Thanks.” (Goes to Frodo's other side and takes his other arm as Waffles is
holding the other one.)
Rena: “Let's get going already.”
*As EvilfurrySquirrels leads the way the others fall
behind. However EFS gets lost and Harry, and the others have to lead the way.*
-One Hour later in the Dinning Hall-
(Merry and Pippin , Frodo and Sam are finishing second breakfast as the others
namely DLBErs are watching in stunned amazement.)
HM: “How do they stay so skinny when they eat that much?”
Waffles: “Good metabolism I guess.”
Dutchy: “It all goes to their feet I think.”
Harry: “What about us, don't you care how much we eat?”
Hermoine: “Yeah, we're important too.”
(Holz)
Holz: “That's different, you're at boarding school. If you
don't learn to eat quickly, you don't eat. Plus the heating never comes on til mid-october, so you have to
eat to withstand the cold!”
Rena: “Someone has issues.”
Holz: *shrugs* “It's one of my favourite rants!”
Ron: “You're as bad as Percy going on about how he never got to wear
home-clothes when he was at Hogwarts...”
Hobbitmum: “But that's only 'cause they changed director!”
Waffle: [unfortunately speaking at a lull in the conversation] “Can I get you
some more fried mushrooms, Frodo?”
Hobbitmum: “Don't monopolise him, Waffle!”
Death: I WOULD NOT AT ALL MIND SOME MORE MUSHROOMS.
Dutchie: “There you go.”
Death: THANK YOU.
[meanwhile, as there are quite a few of us, characters and DLBE included,
Gryffindor and Slytherin have been forced to share
tables. as this has resulted in five explosions, three sets of hysterics and
172 points having been deducted altogether, it is decided that we have to
leave]
Legolas: “But really, I don't feel at all demeaned!”
Dobby: “Legolas must leave Hogwarts...it's not safe for Legolas...he is just a
poor elf like poor Dobby...he must leave...before the...”
Will: “Come on Legolas, we need to go!”
Dobby: “Yes Legolas must—”
Legolas: “Fine...I'm leaving...and I'm taking the Pantene proV
members kit with me!”
Hermione: [gasps]
(HM)
-The group of merry or not so merry travelers
(Merry being only one of the group) leaves Hogwarts behind the rather
disgruntled Legolas.-
Frodo: “So where are we going?”
Pippin: “Hey, that's my line!!!!”
FRODO: “NOT THIS TIME!”
Waffles: “Wow, someone had too much coffee this morning!”
HM(Cuddling up to Frodo): “It's ok, Sweetie, just remember he's a little touchy
as he isn't getting all the feminine attention.”
Frodo: “Sorry Pip.”
Dutchy: “HM aren't you giving Frodo a little too much
attention, you are married you know.”
HM: “Did I ask you?”
Waffles: “Now who's touchy?”
Rena: (Handing out brownies) “Here everyone, I think we need these for the
trip.”
-Everyone takes a few brownies and soon the whole group is in a much better
mood. Merry and Pippin however need to be restrained from climbing any trees
along the way.-
(Waffle)
Waffle: “I don't know what's going on.”
Frodo: “From what I have gathered you never do.”
Waffle: “I don't understaaaaand!”
Pippin: “Neither do I.”
HM: “Well that makes two of you.”
Charlie: “I don't know either.”
Claire: “Maybe if you stopped looking at that Virgin Mary statue you would.”
Charlie: “But she is Holy!”
Waffle: “Yep, sure is! There is some smack falling out of one of those holes.”
Claire: “Some WHAT!?”
Charlie: “I can explain!”
Rena: “Ouch, someone is in trouble.”
Frodo: “What is smack?”
Waffle: “Heroin. Diacetylmorphine. It is a derivative of morphine. A narcotic,
highly addictive drug, also known as junk, smack, horse, brown sugar, babania, golden brown, black tar, montega,
H, big H, lady H, dope, skag, juice, jude, diesel, boy, and blows. Heroin is also widely and
illegally used as a powerful and addictive drug producing intense euphoria,
which often disappears with increasing tolerance.”
Holz: “Whoa, walking dictionary of sorts.”
Rena: “I am almost positive she has Wikipedia plugged
into her brain.”
Waffle: “I don't see no cord.”
HM: *sighs* “Let's get going.”
Merry: “LOOK AT THE TREES! PURDY PURDY TREESSSSSS!”
Pippin: “Whoa... my hands... they are purple. PURPLE! WOW! HAHAHAhahahaahahAHAHahhaahhahheeeeeeeeee.”
Frodo: “I think... I thinks brownies got smack in them...” *giggles*
DLBEs: “SHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Waffle: “Hobbits are probably extra sensitive because they eat so many yet...
are so short.”
Sam: “Who are you calling short!?”
Waffle: “Um, you.”
Rena: “Because you are, you know, short.”
Frodo: “You better not be talking about me.”
Rena, Waffle, and HM: “No! Of course not! You're as big as you want to be!”
Sam: *looks up at Dutchie mournfully and falls to his knees outside Zonkos. The general population of Hogsmeade
is looking at them oddly* “My love has forsaken me for another! Maybe... maybe
if I...”
Frodo: “Oh, poor Sam. C'mere, I'll help you devise a plan.”
Snape: *arches eyebrow*
Waffle: *shudders* “Gives me the creeps. AHH! THEY ARE ALL OVER ME!”
*Frodo and Sam stick to the back of the group, occasionally asking for various
things*
Frodo: “Uhhhh... d-d-death?”
Death: YES FRODO.
Frodo: “Could I... borrow... a spare cloak of
yours?”
Death: LET ME FIND MY PACK.
Sam: “... It's time for Luncheon.”
Merry: “I'm hungry.”
Pippin: “I'm hungry.”
Merry: “He's hungry.”
Pippin: “So am I.”
Merry: “So is... them.”
Waffle: “Who is... them?”
Merry: “The dancing purple brownies.”
Waffle: “Of course.”
Sam: “I brought bacon!”
Rena: “Lets take a vote, who wants lunch?”
*Everyone except Snape raises a hand*
Hobbitmum: “Alright then.”
*fire is built, Sam starts frying bacon*
Frodo: “Waffle.”
Waffle: “Yes Frodo?”
Frodo: “No, I want waffles. But that reminds me.”
*Whispers in Waffle's ear, who nods and disappears*
Rena: “Why do I have a bad feeling about this?”
Will Turner: “Because he enlisted her help instead of yours?”
HM: “I am certainly feeling that way.”
*Waffle comes back with a long thin package*
Sam: “Lunch is on!”
Merry: “LUNCH!!!!”
Pippin: “YAY!!!”
*Everyone is distracted by their eating. Suddenly a tall person with greasy
black hair and a black robe comes up to Dutchie*
Mysterious Person: “Hello Miss Angua.”
Dutchie: *looks at him and jumps* “Sam, what in the name of Death are you
wearing?!”
Death: MY CLOAK, ACTUALLY.
Waffle: “He's on slits.”
Rena: “Is that... bacon grease?”
Frodo: *nods* “We shaved Will Turner's head and made a wig.”
Will Turner: *sobs*
Dutchie: “...”
Sam: *beams at her*
(Dutchie)
Dutchie: *Still glaring at Sam*
"SEVERUUUUUUUUUS!"
Snape: *Grins* "Yeah?"
Dutchie: "ANTIDOTE! RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!"
Snape: "Can't, I don't have the supplies to do so."
Rena: *Comes in, carrying a big bag* "Soooo,
here's the stuff for the antidote."
Waffle: *Smirks* "Looks like you're out of excuses, Sevvey."
Frodo: "Hey! If that's not the antidote you gave me...what DID you give
me?!"
Snape: “I’m not going to do it.”
Dutchie: “Oh yes, you are, mister!”
Snape: “Or else?”
Rest: *Gasp* “Ooooooh!”
Dutchie: *Whips out her wand*
Snape: *Tries to whip out his wand*
Wand: *Is gone*
Waffle: *Is playing with Snape’s wand, Tom Riddle
style*
Frodo: "What DID he give me?!"
HM: “You’d better listen to Dutchie…she can get nasty.”
Snape: “You would never curse me, you would never harm me.”
Dutchie: “I know curses that won’t harm you.”
Everybody: *Is looking from Dutchie to Snape like this is a game of tennis*
Frodo: "What did he gi...HMPFF."
Pip: *Has clasped his hand over Frodo's mouth* "Shhh,
this could get fun!"
Snape: *Crosses arms* “Like?”
Dutchie: “Like Rictusempra…”
Everybody-who-read-the-books: “OOOH!”
Snape: *Looks horrified* “You WOULDN’T!”
Dutchie: *Evil smirk*
Snape: *Gives in* “Oh, alRIGHT! But give me an hour,
okay!”
Dutchie: *Puts her wand back while Snape prepares to make the antidote*
Capt. Jack: “What is Rictusempra?”
Dutchie: “THIS!” *Rictusempra’s Captain Jack*
Capt Jack: *Is now rolling on the floor with laughter*
HM: “DUTCHIE!”
Dutchie: “Eh?”
HM: “Did you HAVE to do that?”
Dutchie: *Feels embarrassed*
Rena: “Dutchie just needed to let out her frustration, didn’t ya, Dutch?”
Dutchie: *Nods*
Holz: “What’s the big deal, it’s just a Tickle
Charm…”
Vetinari: “Surely looks like an effective way of torture.”
Holz: *Grins* “Sure beats the scorpion pit.”
Capt. Jack: “Heloooohooohooo! Bahahahha!
Couhould someone pleaheahease
st-hop this?!”
Rena: “Awwww, but you look cute when you’re
laughing.”
Greebo: *Pulls Dutchie’s cloak*
Dutchie: “Yes, Greebo?”
Greebo: “Got mmmmmmilk?”
Dutchie: “No, sorry sweetie” *Scratches Greebo behind
one of his ears*
Greebo: “Sssssssokaysss”
*Goes to next victim*
(Waffle)
Frodo: *Is curious about the fake antidote Snape
handed him and sneaks a sip*
Waffle: “Frodo are you alright?”
Frodo: *whimpers and clutches his stomach*
Rena: “WHAT DID YOU GIVE HIM?!”
HM: “Oh my poor dear!”
*Everyone watches as Frodo's skin changes from normal color to bright blue and
he starts belching bubbles*
Waffle: “... Snape, that is so not funny.”
Snape: *In hysterics over his real antidote* “Y-y-y-yes-s-s-s... i-i-i-it-t... i-i-i-s-s-s-s-s-ssss!”
*Waffle wraps arms comfortingly around Frodo*
Dutchie and Hobbitmum: “CHANGE HIM BACK!”
Snape: “Can't.”
Rena: “What do you mean you can't?!”
*Merry and Pippin, along with everyone else, watch in awe*
Snape: “I can't. It has to wear off.”
HM: “How long?!”
Snape: *Giggle* “Depends how much *nort* he took.”
HM, Waffle, and Rena: *Glare very very angrily at
him*
Sam: “Hey Frodo! You're blue!”
Frodo: *Hiccups pathetically*
Rena: “Poor thing!” *strokes his hair*
Sam: “Now Frodo, don't be sad, I'm sure the ring will be destroyed one day.”
Frodo: “SAM!” *hic*
*Everyone evilish in the vicinity looks at him*
Sam: “Oops.”
Snape: “A Ring, eh?”
Frodo: *hic* “NO!” *hic* “Just” *hic* “a” *hic* “car” *hic* “key” *hic*
Snape: “I have an antidote after all—” *pulls veritaserum
out of his pocket*
Dutchie: “NO!”
Waffle: “Snape!”
Rena: *leaps onto him and pours it into his mouth*
Snape: “I like pink.”
*Everyone giggles*
Snape: “When I was young I liked to play with barbies
and have tea parties.”
(Holz)
Greebo: “Holllllllllyyyyy, Got mmmmmmillllllk?”
Holz: “You know, Greebo. If
that had come from any other guy, you'd be flattened by now! Here...”
[opens coat to reveal a series of bottles arranged along the sides...a bit like
Van Helsing's weapons...]
[[get your mind out of the gutter this instant!]]
Holz: “Here you go, love, have some Baileys...it's
the best I can do!”
Snape: “I once drank all of McGonagall's baileys and was sick...”
Holz: “By the way, these brownies don't seem to be
working.”
Rena: “Well they are made for hobbits, and you are 6ft1”
Holz: “Damn it...foiled again!”
Death: I HOPE YOU INTEND TO CLEAN THAT ROBE. I AM NOT PARTIAL TO...
Rena: “Guys...guys...look!”
Cpt Jack: *snicker snicker
gurgle chuckle*
[
is getting smaller]
Waffle: “Initiate slow motion running!”
[Cast of DLBE the series begin to run dramatically toward portal, accompanied
by complaints from most quarters, especially the Disc wizards and the Hobbits,
neither of which groups thought they had had sufficient time to enjoy their
meal]
Waffle: “But I wanted to buy stuff in Zonk—”
Dutchie: “Come on!”
[As slow-mo running continues the group is overtaken by a wolf, and a cat, Greebo having momentarily returned to his original shape]
Death: THIS IS NOT DIGNIFIED.
[all leap]
[all land on other side]
[portal shuts]
(Dutchie)
Portal: *Opens*
The Group: *Falls out*
People: *Groan in pain*
Charlie: “Guys…where are we?”
Lost people: “Cliché, Charlie.”
Rest: *Snigger*
Vetinari: “The colours look
extraordinary bright here. And everything has a small line around it.”
HM: “Uhhm, guys…”
Claire: “You don’t think we…”
Holz: “Landed in a…”
Waffle: “Cartoon?!”
Death: WHAT IS A CAR-TOON?
Holz: “Later, Death, later.”
HM: “But what are we doing here? We don’t even have cartoon characters with
us.”
Waffle: “Maybe the portal likes a joke.”
Muffled voice: *Sounds from underneath the bunch*
Sayid: “What was that?”
Legolas: “We’re lying on top of someone.”
Muffled voice: “No kiddinkfff.”
Locke: “Then get of him, you fool of an Elf!”
The bunch: *Stands up*
Man: *Stands up and cleans his clothes*
Legolas: “Sorry about that.”
Charlie: “Well, nobody answered my question yet. Where are we?”
Locke: “Well, this looks like
Dutchie: “And judging from that guy over there, who
looks very familiar, we must me in the Hunchback of Notre Dame movie.”
Rena: “Wheee, Paris! Where’s the Eiffel tower?”
Snape: “It’s the 15th century, you fool, there’s no Eiffel tower yet!”
Frodo: *Still mad about the potion* “How do YOU know?”
Snape: *Blushes*
Locke: “Did you read the book?”
Snape: *Still verita’d* *Nods* “No!”
HM: *Grins* “So, you watched the cartoon?”
Snape: *Shakes head* “Yes!”
All: *Laugh*
Waffle: “Errr, why is that guy wearing those silly
purple/yellow/violet clothes?”
Dutchie: *Shrugs* “Part of his image.”
Angua: “Maybe he knows where the next portal is.”
Sayid: “We better ask him,
Holz: “Let Dutchie ask.”
Dutchie: *Is shoved forward* *Wails* “Why me?!”
Death: WHY NOT? YOU SEEM TO KNOW THIS MAN.
Dutchie: *Sighs* “Fine! Erm, Clopin?”
Man aka Clopin: “Oui?”
Dutchie: “We’re looking for a portal. You know, round twirling thingy, bright colours, hangs in the air…”
Clopin: *Reaches for his pocket.*
Dutchie: “NO PUPPET! Please, we’re in a hurry”
Clopin: *Face falls* “Fine…I saw it in Notre Dame a
while ago.”
Dutchie: “Ah, thank you so much.”
Clopin: “De rien.”
Charlie: “What?”
Waffle: “Means it’s okay.”
Charlie: “Ahhh.”
Holz: “But how do we get there?”
Clopin: “I could take you, but you know, a guy’s gotta earn a living.”
Vetinari: *Opens hand* “Will this be enough?”
Clopin: “Sure! Come along” *Skip hops away*
Waffle: “I don’t know if I like this guy.”
Dutchie: *Giggles * “Don’t worry, he’s okay, but he likes to act like he’s
nuts.”
Capt Jack: “You’re starting to sound like Legolas.”
Will: *Snigger*
-A while later-
Group: *Walks in to Notre Dame*
All: *Oooooooooh!*
Claire: “It’s beautiful!”
Clopin: *Takes off hat & mask*
HM: “Why do you do that?”
Clopin: *Shrugs* “Habit.”
Holz: “Looks a lot better than Offler’s
temple, doesn’t it, Vetinari?”
Waffle: “SHHHHHH!” *Clasps hand over Holz’s mouth*
Clopin: *Angrily* “You know
what happens to heretics here?! You’re lucky Frollo
didn’t hear you!”
Stewie: “What is this? The Middle Ages?”
Rest: “…”
Stewie: “Oh…right.”
Holz: “Sooooo, where’s the
portal?”
Clopin: “Up there.” *Points*
Rena: “I don’t see a thing.”
Locke: “Wait a minute, do you mean up there, as in the tower?”
Clopin: “Yep.”
Snape: “ALL the way up?”
Clopin: “Yep.”
All: *GROAN*
Snape: “Well, we better start walking then.”
Sayid: “Will you come with us, Clopin?”
Clopin: *Rocks on heels nervously* “Weeeelll…the children will be expecting me soon.”
Rest: *Look at Dutchie, questioningly*
Dutchie: “He’s a story teller.”
Rest: “Awwwww.”
HM: “Then you better go!”
Clopin: *Grins* “Thanks, and don’t hesitate to ask
for me if you need help.” *Leaves*
Holz: *Mutters to Frodo* “Well, by the time I’m gonna visit
Frodo: *Giggles*
Group: *Starts to climb the long, long, loooong
stairs of Notre Dame*
(Holz)
[int. Notre Dame cathedral as our heroes climb the
tower they meet a pair of burly men on their way down]
Holz: “Excusez-moi,
messieurs. Peut-etre vous pouvons nous aider.
Nous cherchons...damn I
knew I should have done that prep on inter-dimensional travel...”
First man: “Ees okay, we arrrre
eeen a Disney. No wahn
actually spiks French, we johst
'ave accents.”
Holz: “Excellent. We're looking for a portal. Clopin told us—”
[Gypsy men have..well I was going to say
stiffened...but frozen will do!]
1st Gypsy dude: “Don't mention ees nehm ere. ze wolls
ave eers.”
Dutchie: “Look, we want to find a magic portal, we're wondering...”
2nd Gypsy; “Oh, zat. Carry on up ze
stairs. Esmerelda and er boyfrehnd are steeel up zere, wiz ze bellringer!”
Dutchie: “Look thanks, and look, I have to warn you—”
Death: NO...WE CANNOT INTERFERE. DESTINY MUST RUN ITS COURSE
Holz: “You know, I had a feeling you might say that!”
(Dutchie)
Holz: "Dutchie...you know what this means?!"
Dutchie: "Yeah, means that we will have to run, FAST!"
All: *Start running up the stairs*
Waffle: "Why...are...we...running?"
Holz: "Because Frollo
is about to come upstairs, he can't see us!"
Group: *Run past the bell tower*
Quasi, Esmeralda and Phoebus: *Look confused*
Rena: "Hey!"
Snape: "Don't mind us!"
Sayid: "We're just passing by."
-Within two minutes-
Group: *Has reached the very top of the building*
All: *Fall down, completely out of breath*
Holz: "Has...Frollo...seen
us?"
Locke: *Shakes head*
Charlie: "What was going on there?"
Dutchie: "Can't say...mustn't spoil the movie."
Rena: "But Frollo's the bad guy, right?"
Holz: "Yes, that's the only thing you need to
know for now."
Waffle: *Has walked to the edge of the building* "Hey look! I can see that
Clopin-guy walking down there!"
Pip: *Chuckles* "Well, he's not hard to miss, with that huge hat of
his."
Death: WHERE IS HE GOING EXACTLY?
Holz&Dutchie: *Look down, see Clopin
walk off the 'Isle of the city'* "The right way."
Death: GOOD
Dutchie: "He could still hear us, can't we just...?"
Death: NO!
Holz: "Besides, Frollo
would hear us too."
Sayid: "She has a point, you know."
Snape: "Well, let's just find that bloody portal and be done with
it!"
Vetinari: "That's one fine idea."
Angua: "Look, it's over there."
HM: "Okay, let's go then!"
Everybody: *Jumps into the portal*
Dutchie: *Looks down, sad face*
Holz: "Come on Dutchie, it's gonna
be okay, and you know it."
Dutchie: *Smile* "Yeah..."
Holz & Dutchie: *Hop into portal*
(Holz)
[on other side of portal]
Rena: “Well it looks like we're back in a live action world anyway”
Dutchie: *Sigh* “...yeah...”
Dr Jack: “Oh, god, I’m sorry I landed right on top of you there, are you okay.”
Holz: “Oh I'm just fine...unless...”
Dr. Jack: “I really don't think you need mouth to mouth!”
Holz: “It was worth a try...”
Ridcully: “I say...do you know, I think we might be
back on the disc!”
Ponder Stibbons: “Yes indeed Archchancellor,
the thaumic [[magic]] field is certainly much higher
than Hogwarts even.”
Death: INDEED. WE DO SEEM TO HAVE RETURNED TO THE DISC. WE ARE NO LONGER
Others: *blank stare*
Death: IT WAS A JOKE.
Rena: “But we are!”
Charlie: “And I think that's a touch insensitive!”
Death: SORRY.
Waffle: “That's okay, love. So where on the disc, is it called, are we?”
Holz: “Because really, I'm starting to feel a little
faint...”
Hobbitmum: “Holz! Get over here this instant!”
Holz: “See you later...I’ll just be over...”
Hobbitmum: “Now!!!”
Angua: “Well, we're obviously on the Sto Plains.”
Rena: “Why obviously?”
All disc character, Dutchie and Holz: “The cabbages!”
Ridcully: “Well I don't know about you lot but I feel
a quick transportation spell coming on, I'm not going to walk all the way back
to the University.”
[insert magical mumbojumbo and a quick headcount,
which was particularly tricky because Merry and Pippin kept shouting out random
numbers (still under the effects of the brownies) and Frodo was standing behind
Snape and no one could see him.]
[bright flash of light]
Angua: “Oh dear...”
Dutch Angua: “Oh dear...”
Rena: “What?”
Holz: “Well...imagine taking a load of people in
strange clothes who stick out like the thumb of a blind carpenter
through...downtown
Dutchie: “And then double it.”
Angua: “Grrrrrrrrrr...” [morphs into wolf form]
Waffle: “Right! all those with weapons to the outside.
Small ones to the middle, you come next to me, Frodo Honey.”
Legolas: “It's dark here.”
Will: “Dark?”
Cpt Jack: “Dark.” [[
(Dutchie)
*Evil laughter*
Pippin: "Who's there?!"
Merry: "Pippin, shut up!"
Thief 1: *Emerges from the shadows* "Well helloooo...how
are you all doing?"
HM: "We're just...fine, thank you."
Thief 2: "Now you are...huhuhuhuhuh."
Legolas: "We are armed, you know?"
Thief 3: "Oh really? With what?"
Waffle: "Errrr..." *Counts* "A lot of
swords...wands...bows...and a loaded werewolf."
Thief 1: "Ooooh, impressive...but not as
impressive as a hundred illegal thieves about to attack you."
Part of group: *Look scared*
Disc characters: *Grin*
Holz: "Oh, and we forgot to mention two things
we have."
Thiefs: "What?"
Dutchie: "Weeeeell, you're confession of not
being associated with the Thieves Guild..."
Vetinari: "...and one bloody furious
Patrician!"
Thieves: *GASP!*
Thief 47: "So? We're still with more people...and I already thought it was
about time to get ourselves a new Patrician."
Snape: "So, you still want to fight us then?"
Thieves: "YEAH!"
Capt. Jack: "Then BRING IT ON!"
Holz: "Finally some action!"
*Battle cries*
(Holz)
[swash swash buckle buckle]
Narrator: “Now it's a well-known fact that the thieves in this particular
section of Anhk Morpork are
some of the best close quarter fighters on the disc. But what must be
remembered is that this motley and myriad group were not, as such, from the
disc. All that is, except the best assassin ever to graduate from the Guild,
the most feared werewolf in the city, and a group of wizards who had recovered
from the transportation spell and were cooking up fireballs. Oh, and a
homicidal maniac with an eye patch and a tendency to try and toss the thieves
into the air and catch them again.
And Death kept grinning at them, enough to put any thief down a little.
And when they tried to pick off the little ones, the girls went ballistic.”
[end of narration]
Hobbitmum: “They're running.”
Angua: “I think this is where I'll leave you.” [to Vetinari] “I'll report this to Ston--to
Mister Vimes, sir. We'll send you a pigeon when we've
apprehended them.”
Patrician: “Very well, sergeant. Carry on.”
Angua: *Remorphs into wolf
form and pads away*
Waffle: “Hey, where did the blood go. We must have--well you know--got a
couple!”
Dutchie: “Ohhhhh...”
Holz: “Ah!”
Rena: “That could get really annoying!”
Dutchie: “Sorry! Basically, because this entire quest is based on our
perceptions of the characters, and the worlds they live in. Well, we couldn't
have censorable blood and gore and things, so they are simply edited out. Like
a big ”
Ridcully: “Well I say we head on back to the
University for a light snack [[in their terms this is a four course meal]] and
then we can send you on your way.”
Pippin: “That sounds like an excellent idea.”
*all arrive at UU, rather tired. At the gate a man is standing. He is wearing
uniform that could be compared to Angua's.*
Vetinari: “Ah. Your Grace.”
Vimes: “Good Afternoon, sir. Amazing things have been
happening today, sir. Carrot tells me that Sergeant Angua
disappeared mysteriously this morning, nothing funny about that you might
think. However the arrival of a witch at my watch house this morning
complaining that someone had stolen her cat through a magic portal, while she
was holidaying here, aroused a certain degree of curiosity. This was
strengthened when it transpired that you had also disappeared, sir. When I came
to ask the wizards what they thought, I discovered that the better [irony clear
in voice] half of the faculty had vanished under similarly mysterious
circumstances. I ask you sir, what the hell is going on!”
Vetinari: “Nothing out of the ordinary, Commander.
Incidentally, Sergeant Angua will shortly return to
you with information regarding a seriously depleted, illegal thieves gang
operating in the Shades. Do something about that would you.”
*a carriage pulls up in the street*
Vetinari: “Ah. Do excuse me ladies, gentlemen. Do
give me a little more notice next time something like this happens.” *climbs
into carriage*
Pippin: “Right. Shall we head inside? After all, that light snack shouldn't be
made to wait, now should it?”
[int. Unseen University Dining Room; a feast has
been laid out and main characters are all seated around large table - minus the
wizards who ate a lot very quickly and then departed for what the Ponder Stibbons referred to as a philosophical recce,
and the archchancellor referred to as
finding-out-what-the-blazes-is-going-on.]
Holz: “I tell you what this is waaaaaay
better than the food we get at in the Halls of Residence at my uni!”
Dr. Jack: “You should be careful, a lot of students end up malnourished.”
Holz: “Oh lovie, you're so
caring and protective.”
DBLEs: “Ahem!”
Holz: “Anywaaaaaay, I would
like to make a toast...”
Dutchie: “Why?”
Holz: “Because I just saw the ideal smiley: 
I
propose a toast to the adventures we have shared, will share, a safe journey
home, and may we never forget this unique opportunity...”
Dutchie: *eyeing up a certain professor* “Here here!”
(HM)
HM: “Well I'm finished . This was really a great
feast, but I saw a room with a piano in it down the hall and I REALLY miss
playing and as I brought all my music with me.... I'll see you guys in about an
hour.”
All: “Have fun” (no one seems to notice but Elijah slips out to listen)
-One hour later........ -
Elijah: *Wanders back in looking slightly dazed* “I don't know how she did it,
but she played for an hour straight, LOTR music even.”
Snape: “What ? No Harry potter Music?”
HM: “Sorry I don't have sheet music for that.”
Pippin: “Well I'm still hungry.”
Merry: “Yo'r always hungry.
(Dutchie)
Waffle: "Well, now we all had enough to
eat..."
Pip: *Cough*
Waffle: "Accept for Pip, maybe it's time for us to go."
Snape: "That's a great idea accept for one slightly little problem."
Frodo: "This being..."
Locke: "We have no idea where the portal is."
Snape: "DINGDINGDING, we have a winner!"
Locke: "Why thank you."
*A smelly little dog comes in*
Dog: "Woof bloody wraf."
Holz&Dutchie: *Groan*
Dutchie: "What do you want, Gaspode?"
Legolas: "The dog talks!"
Gaspode: "Of course I don't, who has ever heard
of a talking dog?"
Legolas: *Is confused*
Holz: "Well, don't-tell us what you want
then."
Gaspode: "I could help you find that portal
but..." *Wails*
Capt Jack: *Has lifted Gaspode up by the tail*
"Now listen, you scabberous dog! I was in the
middle of a fight when I was sucked away to that weird girl's room..."
Waffle: "HEY!"
Capt. Jack: "I have spent an hour in a way to small desk drawer with some
other characters. I was sucked, blown and thrown through too many da** PORTALS!"
Will: "Easy, Jack, easy..."
Capt. Jack: "SOME OTHER WEIRD GIRL PUT A SPELL ON ME THAT HAD ME LAUGHING
FOR ABOUT HALF AN HOUR, I HAD TO FIGHT OF A HUNDRED BLOODY THIEVES!"
Some people: *Cover ears*
Capt. Jack: "SO IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL ME WHERE THE NEXT PORTAL IS
WITHIN A MINUTE YOU...WILL...BE...NEUTERED!"
Capt. Jack: *Gasp*
Everyone: *Falls silent*
Gaspode: "It's o-o-o-on the city square...near
the traveling shop."
Capt. Jack: "Thank you."
Gaspode: "Now...put me down...please."
Capt Jack: *Puts Gaspode down*
Ponder Stibbonds: "You better go, the city
square is quite a walk."
Rena: "Right, well, thank you for your hospitality."
Ridcully: "No problem, my dear. Have save
trip."
DLBE's and remaining characters: "Thanks, goodbye." *Walk outside*
*A whole row of carriages is stopping*
Vetinari: "And where do you think you are
going?"
Dutchie: "City square, to the portal."
Vetinari: *Smiles* "What a coincidence, that's
exactly where we need to go...hop in a carriage."
Locke: "Thank you very much, we will need the energy for our next
adventure."
All: *Get in*
-10 minutes later-
All: *Get out of carriages*
Dutchie: "Thanks for the ride, we really appreciate it."
Vetinari: "No problem, and feel free to visit
again." *Shakes Dutchie's hand*
Everybody: *Shakes hands with Vetinari*
Vetinari: *To Snape* "Keep a sharp eye,
Severus...they are going to need you very soon, I feel it."
Snape: *Nods* "Got it, thanks for the pep talk."
Waffle: "Okayokay peeps, let's keep movin'!"
All: "Yay!" *Hop through portal*
Portal: *Closes*
Vetinari: *Sighs* "Now THAT was something you
don't go through every day."
(HM)
-The group
enters a clearing in the woods where sits a rather familiar looking house all
of which is in a cartoon setting. Rather familiar music playing and the DLBEs get the feeling that they have seen this place
somewhere before.-
Waffles: “Wow this place looks really familiar, like out of a Disney film.”
HM: “I know what you mean sort of like Snow White and the seven dwarves house.”
Rena: “That's because it is Snow White"s and the
seven Dwarves house!”
Dutchy: “Whoa. Why do we keep landing in cartoon
settings?”
HM: “Don't know just our luck I guess.”
Pippin: “I'm hungry. Can we go knock on the door and ask for some food?”
DLBEs: *Groan* “But you just ate.”
Pippin: “But that was in another place and time!”
Merry: “True, I’m feeling a little hungry too.”
Jack Sparrow: “I could use a little rum.”
Snape: “Oh sure drink at a time like this. I feel a headache coming on.”
*The group walks slowly up to the door of the house not sure of the greeting
they will be getting.*
Waffles: *Knocks on the door.*
Legolas answers: “Hello!”
The group: *Looks stunned* .
Waffles: “what are you doing here?”
Gimli ( who has come up to Legolas' side): “We are house sitting for some of my
cousins. Come in.”
The group: *enters and see Gimli, Legolas and five other dwarves who introduce
themselves as Kili, Fili, Thorin, Gloin, and Ori.*
Hm: “Wow 6 dwarves and an elf. that makes seven, but
how come you don't have a seventh dwarf?”
Gimli: “We needed some to take Dopey's place and he
seemed to fill the part.”
Legolas (feeling hurt): “Man, I feel the love. maybe I should just leave,
there's this creepy old woman who is always trying to sell apples to Snow white
and there's snow white herself who is always trying to seduce me and then I
find out that I am only here to replace Dopey.......”
Snow White: (coming downstairs) “Guests! How Wonderful! we must make some food
for them. Now all of you go outside and wash yourselves, and don't forget to
use the soap! Legolas, you can stay and help, you never get dirty.”
Legolas: “See what I mean.”
Snow White: (noticing Will) “There is something about you that looks so
familiar, we'll need to talk when you get back in.”
HM: “WHAT A DITZ?”
Waffles: “Shhhh you don’t want to hurt her feelings.”
Twenty minutes later....
Legolas: “What took you guys so long? Snow white here wouldn't leave me alone.”
Snow White: “Now Leggy don't tell secrets. hehe.”
Waffles: “Leggy?”
Legolas: (groaning and rolling his eyes)
“Whatever.”
Snape: (Whispering to Snow White): “If you want I could make you a love potion
to give to him.”
HM: (overhearing): “Nooooooo you won't Snape! We saw
what your last potion did to Frodo and we won't let you do that again, not even
to Legolas.”
Legolas: “What do you mean not even to Legolas.”
HM: “Nothing in particular Legolas, it's just well.......”
Frodo: “She likes me better!” (Prances around)
Waffles: “Um Frodo please stop”
Rena: “What's that noise outside?”
Everyone: “What noise?”
Rena: “It sounds like some people singing Hi Ho.”
Everyone: *rushes to the windows only to see the real seven dwarves coming
towards the house.*
Legolas: “Yay, I don't have to take Dopey's place anymore!”
*The seven dwarves enter the house and look around at all the people.*
Grumpy:” Who are you and what are you doing in our house?”
Doc: “Yes what are you and who are you doing in our house?”
HM: *Sniggle* (under her breath) “I wish.”
Waffles: “HM behave yourself.”
HM: “Ok.”
Dutchy: “We are the travelers of the Universe. We are
merely here by accident because we took the wrong portal. We mean no harm and
will be leAVING NOW.”
Sleepy: “Good I want to go to sleep.”
Sneezy: “Ahhhhhhhchoooooo.”
All: “Bless you!”
Happy: “Do you really have to leave? We could have a party!”
Grumpy: “No. You don't know if they are from the Queen or not.”
DLBEs: “Queen? We don't know no Queen, though Waffles
here is training to be the Emperoress of the World.”
Grumpy: “Do you want to harm Snow White?”
HM: “Well if she doesn't stop being such a ditz.....”
Waffles: “HM, behave!”
Rena: “Don't mind her, she's been sick.”
Doc: “What are her symptoms?”
HM: “It's just a bad cold, nothing to worry about.”
Snape: “Well it's been real, but its time to leave now gang.”
Rena: “Do any of you dwarves know where there's a portal for us to leave
through?”
Dutchy; “We'd really appreciate it.”
Holz: “I'll even leave you some welsh cakes if you'd
help.”
HM: “Wait a sec, Holz those were for lunch.”
Pippin: “Lunch? I had them for breakfast!”
Merry: “Yes so did I.”
Sam: “Never trust a Brandybuck and a Took.”
(Rena)
Legolas: “Can I come with you?”
Rena: “What?”
Legolas: “Snow White won't leave me alone. Take me with you.”
Rena: “But we already have a Legolas.”
Legolas: “SO?”
Rena: *ponders* “Weeeeelllll...I suppose it isn't as
if it would hurt us to have the two of you together. Between the two of you
we'd be well-protected and maybe you'd have enough brainpower to learn how NOT
to be Captain Obvious.”
Legolas: “HEY! I resemble that remark!”
Rena: “See what I mean? Tell ya what, though, I'll
ask the group. HEY GUYS!”
DLBE's: “YEAH?”
Rena: “Legolas wants to tag along. Do any of you have a problem having two Legolases?”
Luther: “Not me!”
DLBE's: *no protests*
Snape: “How are you to know which one belongs to Middle-Earth and which one is
just along for the ride?”
Rena: “Hey, d'you mind if we alter your appearance to
tell you apart?”
Legolas: *eyetwitch* “Not so long as I'm in control.”
Rena: “Darn. I was gonna give you the mohawk. Oh well.”
Waffle: “All in favor, say aye!”
Rena: “Aye!”
HM: “I!”
Dutchie: “Eye!”
Holz: “Aiiiie...”
Rena: “SERIOUSLY, guys!”
DLBE's: “Aye!”
Legolas: “Thanks guys!” *glomps Waffle*
Waffle: “Why not Frodo? Why, fate, WHY?”
(Holz)
Snow White: “It was so lovely to see you
all…let's lead you to the portal...” *clears throat*
[sings]
“When you're out on a quest
And you become troubled...”
HM: [sotto voce] “We're not are we?”
Dutchie: [also sotto voce] “go with it girl!”
Snow White: [determinedly still singing]
“Don't be downhearted
Don't let you bust be bubbled!”
Holz: “What!”
Rena: “I think she's improvising...”
Holz: “What's wrong with my bust...” *glares at SW*
Snow White: [singing louder to drown out interruptions]
“Remember the good that will come of it
Remember the cheers you'll hear
When you bring them safely out of it
And get them out of fear”
[birds start to fly around, bringing Legolas2 new
clothes, the same design, but red
leather, all with the GAP of Rohan
mark. Squirrels bring him matching boots, and an owl the
hat, which he declines, not wishing to muss his hair]
“Sooooooooo...
Come with me as we go,
To wear you'll find the whorl
That will help you take them back home...
And through which you must fall...
Falalala-lalala
Falalalaaaaaaa-lalala”
Holz: “Falalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah...lalala!”
*mutters* “Top F! Beat that
always-perfect-and-I-enjoy-tidying.”
Waffle: “Woah, dude!
Issues!”
Holz: “Tch! Sopranos!”
[animals have lead us - in cute twittering chorus - to
a glade in the wood where a huge
swirling mass of glimmering magic force is suspended
in mid-air]
Legolas Greenleaf: “Wow! A portal!”
Legolas Redpants: “Really,
dude, you shouldn't be so damn obvious!”
Legolas Greenleaf: “But it's so shiny!”
Legolas Redpants: “Please,
shiny is all very well in its place but it's not very practical! Take
that bow of yours...”
Leggie G: “What about it” *defensively hides bow
behind back*
Leggie R: “Well, really, orcs could see it a mile
away!”
[they continue to bicker]
DBLEs:
Waffle: “Ohhhh...I see!”
Others: “What?”
Waffle: “Well, this Legolas can't possibly exist
outside of our imagination. The whole Snow
White/LOTR crossover is pure DBLE...it's genius
spawned by brownies and staying up til
on computers! So, he reflects the side of Legolas we
especially like...the fashion, the *ahem*
appearance...but lacks the obviousness
and...lack...of...animation!”
Will & Leggie G: “What?”
Everyone: “Nothing!”
Dr. Jack: “You know, all this inter-dimensional travel
could be dangerous! It could dealign our
organs!”
[pause]
Holz: “Was
Timeline the inflight movie, by any chance?”
Charlie: “Wouldn't know, mate!”
Dr. Jack: “Mehbeh!”
[all make their way toward and into the portal]
Snow White: *sigh* “Well, that was a change from the
norm...I wonder what's for tea...How
about rabbit...” *a number of small cute animals
disappear with little puffs of dust* “I have a
lovely recipe for rabbit in apple sauce...Now all I
need is to find an apple seller!”
(HM)
Meanwhile.....
All: *Enter the portal and disappear from Snow white's view in a puff of
glimmer and sparkle. Legolas Redpants shakes head as
Legolas Greenleaf admires the view.*
-The wayward group of travelers lands in the gAp of Rohan only to find a sale in full swing.-
Waffles: “Shopping spree!”
Dutchy: “YES!”
Rena: “Where's my charge card?”
Legolas G: “What's a charge card?”
Legolas R: “Oh bother”
HM: “Hey Elijah, what do you think of this outfit?”
Elijah: “Well, I wouldn't wear it, too girly.”
Hm: “Not for you, for me!”
Snape: “Well, if you ask my opinion..”
HM: “Which I didn't.”
*Turns and finds that Elijah is nowhere to be seen*
Frodo: “He went that way.” *Points to the dressing room*
Pippin: “Is there anything to eat around here?”
Merry: “Yeah, I'm getting hungry too.”
(Holz)
Voice: “Can I help you?”
*all turn*
Pippin: [hunger forgotten] “Faramir! Me old mate, me old budd,
me old pal! How goes it!” *secret handshake*
Faramir: “Zup, Pipp Teezee, how's it hangin' ma
Hobbit brother from a small mother!”
Pippin: “It's all cool, Fara...I mean, Fazza. What are you doing here?”
Faramir: “Well sheesh, since that Aragorn dawg come back and took his throne, I ain't
had much to do round Gondor and Eowyn, she's like,
well go get a job, and we get a 75% discount for friends and family—” *stops as
entire party crushes in closer*
HM: “75%”
Rena: “For friends...”
Dutchie: “You know, Sevvie, those jeans would look—”
Faramir: “Yo, slow down there, sisters! We ain't even
yet had no introduction. And what you doin' here, Pipp Teezee? I thought ya'd gone back to da Shire,
like.”
Pippin: “Sorry, yeah, bit of a long story there. Is there a food court in this
branch, 'cos I am...a little peckish...”
Faramir: “Ain't that always the way, bro. Sure
thing...”
[int. food hall attached to GAP of Rohan, muchos muffins and
smoothies being consumed]
Faramir: “So tell me, mini-man. Whassup with all this
weird people bein' round 'n' all!”
Cpt. Jack: “That's Captain, Captain Weird Person!”
[short silence]
Pippin: “Weeeeeell...from what I can pick up...and I
haven't really bin listening, see. We've all bin picked up by the collective psyches
of these luvly ladies here, and propelled through
portals in inter-dimensional space to their universe. Sooooo...they're
bringing us back...”
[longer silence]
HM: “Pipp, dear. How on earth...”
Pippin: “Hey, I overheard it, I didn't understand it!”
Fazza: “Hey y'all the reason I was like, ten too amny late this mornin' The
inter-dimensional road I comes to work on waslike...crazy
man, you know? It was full! You goin' back to da Middle Earth, Minas Tirith crib, y'all?”
Dutchie: “Well that depends...”
Waffle: “On where the next portal opens up, and where it goes...”
Redpants: “So we need to move out and get searching!”
Rena: “You know, you're getting a tad pushy, doll... Sit yourself down and let
us make the decisions, or we might just uninvent
you!”
Characters: *gasp*
Rena: “Yeah! Don't push us! I'm a DBLE on the edge! I've got a loaded
imagination, and I'm not afraid to use it!”
Frodo: “You won't unimagine me, will you?”
All: *rush to reassure him*
Fazza: “Sheesh! These
hobbit-dawgs sure know how ta
keep da girls crazy...Peace, man! Peace!”
Voice: “Excuse me...”
*all turn*
Rena: “It can't be...”
HM: “Let's face it...it can!”
All: “FIGWIT!”
Narrator: “Yes, twas he...the elf with the poutiest lips and silkiest hair...” [pause while Legolas
beats up narrator]
Figwit: “Excuse me, Faramir, old chap. The manager
told me to tell you he wants to see you and these friends of yours in his
office right-away. Something about a portal...”
(Dutchie)
*Group walks into the manager's office*
Waffle: "Yooo, manny, whazzup?"
Rest: *Groan*
Manager: "Ah, there you are! We found a portal here, and to our opinion,
this is a safety hazard."
HM: "Don't worry, it'll disappear as soon as we go through."
Manager: "Then please, go!"
Pippin: "Butbut...we haven't had time to shop yet."
Manager: *Sighs* "Very well, take whatever you like, it's on me."
All: *GASP*
Legolas: *Nearly faints*
Dutchie: "Are you SURE?!"
Manager: "Yes, but you have only 10 minutes. So..."
All: *Run into the shop*
Manager: "...be quick...oh well."
*Frantic running in the shop*
Dutchie: *Pulls a sweater over Snape's head*
Waffle: "Ooooh, looking good, Sevvey!"
Frodo: *Drowning in a t-shirt* "Wrena? I wreally don' think this fits mwe!"
Rena: "Okay, I'll find a smaller size."
Pip & Merry: *Are trying on shoes*
*10 minutes later*
Manager: "Are you ready?"
All: *Carrying bags full of clothes* "YUP!"
Manager: "Then go, please."
Pippin: "Alright, bye, Fazza!"
Fazza: "Byebye Miniman!"
*All hop in the portal*
Group: *All land in the jungle* *Once again, groans of pain*
Charlie: "This place looks familiar..."
Claire: "We're back on the island!"
All: *Try to detangle themselves*
Snape: *Points* "I think we killed something."
Wild boar: *Is dead*
Sayid: "Dinner!"
Dutchie: "Sayid!"
Sayid: "What?" *Looks innocent*
Dutchie: *Groan* "Never mind."
Locke: "This is a little strange, isn't it?"
Holz: "What do you mean?"
Locke: "Well, a couple of portals ago we landed on that Gypsy..."
Dutchie: "Clopin."
Locke: "Yes, that guy...we were with a bigger group, yet he survived, with
hardly more than a couple of bruises. And now we land on a boar, a much
stronger creature, with a smaller amount of people and it's dead."
HM: "Your point being...?"
Snape: "You think it wasn't US that killed the boar?"
Locke: "Exactly..."
*Dead silence*
Dutchie: *Cheerful* "Locke, I really think you are overreacting here. I
mean, it was quite logic Clopin didn't die. He's a
cartoon character, they're very tough."
Claire: "True...but Hunchback is quite a realistic cartoon."
Dutchie: "Dude, Clopin can change his clothes in
one second, would you call that realistic?"
Holz: "That's true, yes..."
Pip: *Mutters* "I can do that."
Snape: "But I really don't think we should ignore Locke's thoughts...he
has not let us down this far..."
All: *Are feeling nervous*
(Holz)
[dramatic music with lots of screechy violins]
[a bit later...as night is falling [[Pippin: Why is it always night-time, we've
missed two sets of afternoon tea, supper just isn't the same]] Locke is showing
the others how to make shelters, Sayid is using Snape's wand to try and power a walkie
talkie Waffle just happened to have with her to try and contact...well...anyone
at this stage, and Holz and Dr. jack are building a
fire - even tho it's not cold Holz
suggested it knowing that this would create a lighting effect and lead to many many close ups of Jack's face in the firelight...this
operation is slightly impeded by Cpt Jack who is
dancing round and round it]
Cpt J: “We're devils...we're something...we're really
bad eggs...” *trips and falls into Dutchie's lap* “Hello love...”
Snape: “Fancy another laugh, Jackie, Boy...”
Cpt J: “That's Captain Jackie Boy...”
Sayid: “I've got it...if I link this walkie talkie to the wand, put it on the highest tree on
the island, attach the tardis to one end, link the tardis to a Palantir and...”
Rena: “Listen sweetie...I think it's time to face facts...It ain't gonna work until the
writers decide they've flogged the series too far...then suddenly it will work
and you can go home...”
*silence*
*crickets chirruping*
*tumbleweed*
Rena: “What?”
Holz: “Oh nothing...don't tumbleweed moments rock!”
[silence reigns as most of the group are asleep,
choosing to wait until daytime to go search for portals in a
monster/dinosaur/alien infested jungle (depending on which conspiracy theory
you've read)]
[most of our Intrepid Adventurers are asleep]
[Close up of Holz in firelight, Dr. Jack Sleeps back
left of shot]
[voomphing noise cues flashback]
[Holz by computer flicking through Bagginses captions
in stitches with friend on different computer]
Friend: “So what's so funny?”
Holz: “There's this Lord of the Rings caption page I
found the other day...there's like ninety pages of these captions...tis highly amusing!”
Friend: “Yeah, sure...what's the betting you never find it again!”
Holz: “Funny! Actually it’s on my favourites
so I can find it again!”
Friend: “You coming to politics, then?”
Holz: “Sure!”
[later flashback; different computer having found DLBE
website and signed up]
Holz: *thinks* “Wow...Dom Monaghan's in some new series...I'll
have to watch that when it comes to the
[voomph...we're back on the
island; close up Holz, glancing up at Cpt Jack, staring into the fire from the other side]
Holz: “You know, Jack, I have great respect for you
guys. You've held up pretty well considering...”
Cpt Jack: “Considering I don't really exist?”
Holz: *is surprised at seriousness and very chuffed
as she is proved right in theory that "its all an act"*
Cpt Jack: “Take this island...it's out of the
imagination of some people from a part of the New World we haven't even found
yet. When I get back to my...well, time...I will know that
Holz: “Well...remember that world where we got rid of
the Patrician and Angua and people...”
Cpt Jack: “Indeed.”
Holz: “Weeeeell...the man
who wrote that world says that so long as one person believes in something, it
exists...”
Cpt Jack: “So...”
Holz: “So long as we believe that you're there, there
you'll be!”
Cpt Jack: “Forever?”
Holz: “Long after the films stop, and dvds crumble into dust, when the
internet stops clicking, there will always be the remnants of our belief.”
Cpt Jack: “Is that a covenant you'll be making?”
Holz: “Aye. You have the word of the Keeper of the
sacred welsh cake recipe...”
[shake hands]
Holz: “Get some sleep, Jack.”
[silence regains the upper hand and Holz continues her watch until
Holz: “Have a quiet one! Oh, and watch out for the
flashbacks!”
(Dutchie)
Pip: *Yawns* *Stretches* *Yawns again* *Prods
Merry*
Merry: "Grmblz?"
Pip: "Merry?"
Merry: "Uh?"
Pip: "I'm hungry."
Merry: "You're always hungry."
Pip: "Now I'm extra hungry."
Merry: "Well I don't have any food!"
Pip: "Well, maybe we could find some food in the jungle."
Merry: *Stands up* "Don't you think that's dangerous?"
Pip: "Come on, Mer, what could possibly happen?"
Merry: *Hesitates* “Well, okay, but let’s not go to far.”
Merry & Pip: *Take off*
*Some time later*
Dutchie: *Wakes up* “Hmmmmm, I love the smell of boar
in the morning.”
Locke: *Is roasting the boar in an apron with “Kiss the Cook”* *Chuckles*
Waffle: “Is there any fruit?”
Hurley: “Off course, I always keep some in my bag.”
Waffle: *Looks around at everyone slowly waking up*
Locke: “BOAR’S READY!”
*Silence*
Rena: “What was that?”
Dutchie: “It was as if we were all waiting for something.”
HM: “I was waiting for cries for food from…”
Holz: “MERRY AND PIPPIN! Where are they?!”
Legolas: “They’re gone! Oh No!”
*Silence*
Snape: “What?”
Waffle: “I think we were all waiting for you to say something like “Finally
some rest”.”
Rest: *Nervous giggles*
Snape: “Are you mad? We have to find them!”
Rena: “And why do you suddenly care so much?”
Snape: *Stutters* “Well, uhm, I errr…”
Dutchie: *Helpfully* “Because otherwise the universe will blow up…right?”
Snape: *Relieved* “Right.”
Locke: “We’ll go search for them right after we ate something, we’re gonna need some strength. After that, we’ll form a group of
searchers.”
Charlie: “Well I’m coming with you.”
Sayid: “Me too.”
Kate: “So am I.”
HM: “And everyone else who has to go with us through the portal, right?”
Holz: “Right.”
Jack: “I’m going as well, they may need medical attention.”
Everyone: *Wolf down their food*
Locke: “So everyone’s ready to go?”
Sawyer: “Well, I’m not staying here either.”
Kate: “Why do YOU want to help?”
Sawyer: “Because every group needs a sarcastic b*st*rd…and
since hooknose is slipping away from that…”
Snape: *Seriously evil glare*
Charlie: “Yeah, right…”
Waffle: “The more the merrier I s’pose.”
*All walk into the jungle*
Snape: “Dutchie?”
Dutchie: “Hmm?”
Snape: “Well….thanks…”
Dutchie: *Grins* “No problem, love.” *Squeezes Snape’s
hand*
*Silence*
Snape: “Erm, Dutchie?”
Dutchie: “Yeah?”
Snape: “I think I’ll be needing BOTH my hands in a while.” *Weak smile*
Dutchie: *Gets the hint* “Oh!” *Let’s go off Snape’s
hand*