I wasn't going to link Maddox's site in it's own post initially until I remembered this link graphic he had set up. I'm going to link the site here, simply because I like the picture.

In case you don't know, that's the Unabomber in the picture. Or rather, it's the police sketch of the Unabomber with Maddox's face on it. His official logo is similarly done, except it's the face of Che Guevara.

Maddox himself says he uses the Che logo because he thinks it's "a good parody of a recognizable icon (even though most people who read this site don't realize the parody, don't ask questions and don't know who he was)" which was, sadly, the case with me. In fact, when I first saw the real Che picture, I associated it with Maddox, not the other way around. I never was much interested in history, apart from the Depression Era.

However, given my background and studies, had he been using this logo instead, I would've recognized his parody. (Though I'm sure I would recognized the Quaker Oats logo he has just as easily.) So I use that picture to pimp his site. Also, I think I might be in the minority of people who have linked his site in choosing that one. At least I haven't seen many Unabomber links about.

Hot Shit, Dave! Decent Customer Service!

Believe it or not, I now have my software from Dell, even though they still have a solid four business days left before I would get pissed. I guess they really weren't dickin' with us when they said they're there 24/7, seven days a week. I thought for sure I was gonna have to wait an extra day because of Labor Day.

When it comes to customer service, everyone else just got served.

Though, to be fair,  it probably would've been even better customer service if they had sent me a computer that didn't malfunction because a program that came with the damn thing installed faulty things without my knowledge. I'm pretty sure that bastardy McAffee Security Center thing is to blame as I hadn't even been downloading music the day my computer went ape shit.

Cheese Nips Conspiracy

Wal-Mart of Hickory Creek, TX no longer sells Cheese Nips. What the fuck is up with that?

I love Wal-Mart. I love everything it represents. I love the idea of monopolizing an industry through low prices and, for the most part, remembering that it's the customer who's important. But the one thing I absolutely abhor about the place is their tendency to stop selling things I like. Wet N' Wild's black nail polish, colored packs of Sculpey Oven-Bake clay, that wooden artist's model I had my eye on, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas... but Cheese Nips?

Now they've gone too far!

Not far enough, mind, for me to stop shopping there as the only other store in the immediate area is Albertson's and I'm not about to pay three bucks for a bag of chips. That store is shittin' itself if it thinks its gonna win me over with prices that damn high. But I will stand in the snack cracker isle and pout in front of the place were the Cheese Nips used to be.

Who am I kidding? I can't stay mad at Wal-Mart. How can you argue with such great prices? And they still have Cheese Nips Chips, which are okay, I guess.

Men's VOGUE

So today, I went to Albertson's. Yeah, I know what I said in my last post, but I know as well as you do that you're not reading these in the order I put them out. You read them backwards because it puts the new stuff up first.

Anyway, I went to Albertson's to see if they had the new copy of MAD because Wal-Mart didn't. (No, they still sell that. Turns out the new issue doesn't come out until the 13th). So when I realized I wasn't getting my MAD, I had to get a different magazine, because Albertson's isn't like Wal-Mart. You can't walk out of an Albertson's without buying something or you look like you're stealing. And we all know the best way to steal stuff is to not look like you're doing it.

So there I am, debating wether I want to get an issue of WIRED with Jon Stewart on the cover or a copy of Seventeen. Then I remember.

I had been reading my bigass copy of VOGUE earlier this week when I saw an ad for their new magazine, Men's VOGUE! 

And there it is, on the stands, George Clooney gracing the cover in all his voice-actor-of-a-gay-dog splendor. Figured it was important I remind you of that, lest the cover that touts him as one who "exposes the secrets of the CIA - AND almost dies for it" make you think he's so awesome. Though I suppose thier proclaimation that he's just a "MERE MORTAL" does that just as effectively, as well as thoroughly destroys my theories about the man. (I was so certain he was invincible and could be used as our only weapon in Iraq and we'd still win. But then he is in the Film Actor's Guild, so mayhaps not.) Just remember, for all his James Bondery, this guy still begged to be cast as a homosexual canine.

But I digress. 

I buy it, of course. I had hoped maybe I might be able to use it for my manga trial, see if I can't make Mr. Monoceros look like the million bucks he steals, extorts, launders, transports, or otherwise deals with every day.

So I go to the check out with my magazine. Now I think it's important that I tell you that I had just washed my hair this morning and didn't put it up when I left. So I had this terribly butch looking chili-bowl/fro thing going on. Very manly haircut. But I was wearing skin tight jeans and a baby T-shirt too, so I was looking from the neck down very chickie.

So picture it. There I am, in my cute girl-next-door clothes, butch haircut, and holding a copy of Men's VOGUE. To say the least, the cashier was hiding his amusement fairly well.

That is, until he had to bag it. He became all flustered and such, saying "Uh... do you... uh... you want to hold it... or you want it in the bag?"

I assume he might have thought I was a pre-op transvestite doing a little research on the modern styles and didn't know whether I was the proud type or not. I imagine he got a good laugh at it after I left. So everyone got a little sunshine on their day.

Hitman 2: Silent Assassin

Again with the snazzy dressing. He looks he's got some business to attend to, doesn't he?

This one is the predecessor to Hitman: Contracts. Being that it came before, it's not as weidly and there are some definite problems that were resolved in Contracts. But the plot is shaping up a lot more. It's not so... enigmatic as Contracts was.

For instance, I was under the impression that the barcode on the back of his head was a marking signifying his belonging to some gang or other, but now it's starting to look like he's a clone of sorts. Go figure. Least that's what it sounded like in the confessional booth scene. I've yet to get ahold of the first in the series, Hitman: Codename 47, to verify this, but that looks like where it's headed.

I Like Clinton

Clinton is my favorite of the U.S. President. He was the first President I can remember clearly. And for all the nonsense surrounding him and his penchant for Oval Office blowjobs, he was still a good guy to have in office. And I'll explain why.

First and foremost, he was fun. And because he was fun, he was a good front man. He didn't win the election for his position on the issues. No, he won because he was a jolly guy and he looked good. And because he had a lot of stuff going to to distract you from whatever it was you were trying to question. Who cares about foreign policy? Play us a tune, Billy.

Also, he knew how to properly go about arguing in a debate, as demonstrated here.

And as I said, he won votes because he looked good. You can't deny that he was more attractive than most of his predecessors.  But JFK is excluded. After all, Big Willy was caught with this:

 Not this:

And he's married to this:

So JFK's got Clinton pretty well beat in the looks department. But still, compared to, say, Martin Van Buren or Benjamin Harrison, Bill's got some serious game.

You know, when I ran the search for the Monica Lewinski picture, I got ones of not only her, but also the one of Hillary and one each of Charles Manson, Ghandi, and Slash of Guns N' Roses. Go figure.

Anyway, another reason I like Clinton is because he was totally full of shit. But unlike Bush, he never tried to deny it. Sure, Bush never said, "No, I am not full of shit," but there's things about his demeanor that say that's what he's trying to get that across and it's irritating. Clinton, he just smiled his shit-eating grin and you knew. I like my politicians like that. Not afraid to admit they're a steaming sack of shit.

Now those might not seem like good reasons to like a person, but... well...

In conclusion, I like Bill Clinton.

*I removed all the photos from this one due to the broken links. It doesn't make as much sense without them. Unfortunately, I give less than a shit at this present date.

Durango's Sucky States List

Just in case you didn't believe me (and by proxy, Dr. Suess) in my introductory post, I offer photographic evidence:

During my daily perusal of the Hitman forum, I happened upon this lovely little drawing done by the brother of a fellow member, Id, there.

Holy crap, that makes the gears turn. Least mine anyway. In fact, it inspired a story out of me, a fully fledged and completely structured story. That's how fucking great this picture is.

Id posted a fairly large selection of his brother's art, and most of them are this same quality or greater. This one is one in a series that he did for three months in which he forced himself to draw at least one picture a day (that's the date on the sign there). You can see the rest of what Id gave us here.

That little goth girl is cute, isn't she?

Irresponsible Smoking

I hate khakis. I always have. Ever since the very first day when the idea of wearing them was first proposed to me, after the shithole state of Florida decided that uniforms in public schools might help allieviate discontent among students. (I suppose it never occured to them that giving us enough money to allow us two sets of school books so we didn't have to ruin our backs by carrying all of them around in our bags would've helped. At the very least, they could've given us lockers.)

There's just something about them that reeks of submission, if you dig what I mean. And you know me, I only want to submit on my terms. It can be cute sometimes, but I'll be damned if I'll do it in khaki pants.

Perhaps it's the gaggles of preps back from my high school days who all wore them like the robes of a secret cult. Or mayhaps it goes back to my middle and elementary years where my fellows students wore them with disdain but made no objection for fear of being written up and sent to in-school suspension. I suspect this is highly likely as the administration was damn near Inquisition-level militant about the school dress code. I find that ironic, as the school ran very similarly to the world of a certain man who also had a taste for the horrid color.

Of course, it could have just been those awful GAP commercials where a bunch of douche bags massacared the art of theatrical dance. Who knows.

I Love Wal-Mart

Now that I've been at my job for a good few weeks now, I now have a list of things about my customers that piss me off. It's little things that they do and say that chap my ass. So, in an effort to alleviate some of my square tittedness, here's a list of things you can keep in mind next time you pull your cart up to some poor schmuck's check-out lane.

* Large Items

For fuck's sake, don't put huge ass things on the conveyor belt. Leave them in your cart. Why in blue hell would I want to try and pull a thirty pound bag of dog food across the scanner when I could just come around with the handscanner and shoot it real quick? Not only am I just gonna handscan it in the first place, but it makes it much more difficult to get the damn thing back in the cart. I am a small little thing when it comes down to it. A great many cashiers are. We're not built to be hauling file cabinets and five gallon bottles of water back and forth over the scanner. So don't ask us to in the first place.

* Cell Phones

Frankly, I don't care if you come up to my line talking on a cell phone. It simply means I don't have to greet you when you get there and can immediately jump into scanning your items. However, don't let that call interrupt your job as the customer. I fully expect that there won't be any hold up wiuth getting your items on the belt and your bags out of my way, regardless of whether you're on the phone or not.

 * Large Loads

Which brings me to another point. If you're buying eight and a half shitloads of stuff, then don't fuck around with trying to get all your items on the belt before you start putting your bags back in the cart. Get two carts if you have to, but don't hold up my progress. Nothing chaps my ass more than being stuck with some twatty customer who's got so much stuff that I have to struggle to find places to put her purchases while she's still unloading. Especially on Sunday. Sunday is the worst.

 * Sunday

Do not, under any circumstances, show up on Sunday unless you're just getting two or three items and are going through the express lane. You see, everyone has it in their mind that everyone else will go to the store on Saturday, so they believe they'llbe beating the crowds by going on Sunday. The problem with that logic is that everyone thinks that. So everyone shows up on Sunday and it's bloody hell for us cashiers.

It's okay to come on Sunday if you're going to an express lane, as those are normally busy anyway, but just don't come for more than twenty items. We're busy as fuck, and not in the best of moods. You could be the nicest person in the world, Mother Teresa might not have shit on you, but we still hate you on Sunday.

* Express Lanes

Here's a tip to help you tell an express lane from a normal one. All express lanes at Wal-Mart stores have tables instead of belts. Therefore, if you have a cart full of shit, do not come to a table line unless the cashier invites you to do so. We do that sometimes, you know, if we're not busy. You can cheat sometimes and show up with more than twenty items without pissing off the cashier so long as everything will fit into bags on the carousel without too much inconveince. A good rule of thumb is to only go to those lines if all your stuff will fit in three bags, as express lane carousels only have three bags instead of nine.

On that note, however, just because a table line doesn't have a "twenty items or less" sign does not mean that it isn't and express lane. Don't think that just because I don't have written documentation of the fact that you can just start piling it on. That pisses us cashiers off and we will bag your shit up wrong and fuck up your order so you have to go to customer service and wait in line. Especially if it's Sunday.

* Plants

Don't put plants on the belt. Apart from ringing up your stuff and bagging it, we're also responsible for keeping the register area clean and tidy. We have to straigten up all the candy and clean the belts clean. And plants inevitably leave dirt all over it. this is especially irritating if your cashier has just finished cleaning the belt as you arrived.

* Lawn Items

Same goes for bags of dirt, fertilizer, weed killer, and any other lawn and garden items of that sort. Not only are they messy, but a lot of them are heavy too.

* Changing Your Mind

Shoudl you decide suddenly that you don't want something you've brought to the register, don't leave it on the 82 racks. You know, those last minute items racks before the register with the candy and tissues and other useless shit. When you leave crap there, we have to collect it and take it back to customer service. It's one thing to hand it to us and ask as we can keep it all in one place, but to just leave it on the shelves or, my personal favorite, on the floor in the corner behind where the belt starts, is just dipshittery and inconvenient.

So, next time you're getting ready to check out, I suggest you bear this little things in mind, lest you get home to find your eggs have been crushed by the oranges and your leaky meat products sitting right cozy next to your apples and pears.