Artifacts - Thoughts, conversations, and other oddities left over from my Subud life. These now only seem to take up space in my brain. I express them here, maybe, so that I can forget them.

The Indonesian Connection

A lot of things contributed to my finally getting out of Subud, but one fiasco stands out in particular. As an enterprise, some members of our group started a commodities trading account: a Subud commodities account. We pooled as much cash as we could, we had meetings, came up with strategies and contingencies, and decided things somewhat democratically. However, there was a natural leader of the company, and he happened to also be the senior member and respected helper of the group.

Everything went well for a while. We made a bit here and lost a bit there, but still managed to show a profit. Naturally, there were elements of Subud involved, such as people receiving which commodities would be nice to buy and sell, but mostly it was just business.

After nearly a year in business, the boss started to spend a lot of time talking on the phone to a fellow in Indonesia. Apparently this guy was a Subud mover and shaker back in the day and was now on his deathbed. Between spiritual chit-chat, the dying Indonesian gave our boss business advice which he had received. And so, future plans for our small company were brewing. Meanwhile, since the boss was busy on the phone, the running of the commodities trading business was left in the hands of the underlings. One day, this underling did an analysis on cocoa futures and determined that it was time to buy, and even better, we had surplus cash to do it. I ran it by the boss who agreed, and the purchase was made.

Now for the fallout. A $1300 phone bill for calls made to Indonesia came in the mail shortly after the cocoa purchase. The boss, that is, the boss of our -business-, being ever so tied up in spiritual matters, had not bothered to keep track of call lengths and costs and had not even looked into a calling plan. So, our little venture had to cough up for the cost of the calls since the boss had already put all his cash into it. The other members of the company kept quiet and paid up, only murmuring among themselves. Well, no matter, we were going to be rich soon anyway. Shortly after this bill was paid, the boss called a meeting. It seemed that someone had been steering the company in strange directions while the boss had been busy spending $2.50/min for supernatural business advice.

During this two-hour meeting, I was hit from all directions.

"Why did we buy cocoa?" said the boss.
"I showed you the analysis. You guys agreed," I answered.

"Cocoa doesn't fit with our business plan!"
"Well, then why did you agree?"

"You haven't read the books. You don't believe enough in so-and-so's market theory--we've studied it. Cocoa is suicide!"
"I've read enough of the books to see that cocoa is good. Plus, you guys said OK."

"I was busy on the phone. You took advantage of that to try to sabotage our business plan."
"Ok, I give up. Get me out."

After that, I was out. The meeting was concocted to push me out of the business and it worked: I ended up wanting to get out. There was much more demented logic and rhetoric than I've mentioned above, but this captures the gist of it. Fortunately, I got my money back less my share of the phone calls, of course. Hooray!

Now for the punch line. The boss sold our cocoa for a small profit to get into the Indonesian's commodity of choice. A few weeks later, the price of cocoa was still going up, and as it passed our would have been sell price, I calculated that they would have made 50-70% profit had they kept it. Instead, they sold it early to buy silver, which didn't end up making them anything. Sure, my choice may have been just dumb luck, but it was keeping it's head above water in a swamp of illogical business practices. Anyone not associated with Subud would have seen it as a better choice simply because it had reasoning behind it.

Amazingly, though, the boss and the Indonesian somehow didn't spiritually predict the disaster that was coming in several months to wipe them out financially, September 11th, 2001. That should have shown up on someone's spiritual radar, don't you think? Looking back, it's almost comical; I'm glad they pushed me out. It eventually led to me leaving Subud a year later, and allowed me to save my shirt on September 11th.

This story exemplifies my Subud experience. Don't get me wrong, I'm not writing off an entire spiritual movement because of a bad business venture. It's just that I find the comparison revealing.

Subud is about trust and faith in God. Fine, I tried to do that. I had little success, but I respect those who've had success. However, this brain-state (total trust and faith) somehow got carried over to other things in my life, such as business. I trusted that the latihan would somehow do the books, I had faith in the other members, especially the helpers, to do the right thing. I suppose I should have throttled my trust and faith to apply to the spiritual only.

I may sound like I blaming someone else for my quitting Subud, but this is not the case. I accept full responsibility for all my actions, whether this means losing $300 or not going to heaven.

The Saftey Net

It's pleasant to have the secret feeling of finding the true path - the one real religion. It's like having a universal tool that can answer or deflect any question no matter how great. Why are some people evil? They have succumbed to the lower forces. Does it matter that I have been unsuccessful in something important to me? Of course not, such worldly things are trite; you are one of the few that will progress to the afterlife. Like a tightrope walker with a safety net, I care little if I fall. But, the safety net, that secret feeling, is exactly why I will fall. I fail to understand the people and the world around me, I fail to understand myself and my goals. If I remove the net, I can only succeed. Shall I trade the comfort of my imagination for something real?