Devon

Meth Free For Devinchee

Your Stories

HaleyMeth took over my mind and ate my soul. It will take so much work to remove this addiction from my life. There is no doubt in my mind that the devil created this drug, for I've watched it destroy everything it touches. I turn to God now, but it's a constant battle. Meth is the worst thing I have ever known. I pray it all goes away. Oct 9, 2007, 10:13 AM (UTC -7)DawnWhere do I start? I am writing my story for Devon. I only know Devon through his Mom and Dad. The last time I saw him, he was just a cute little boy of 5. This is for you Devon and I hope that my story and other’s story’s will be your voice and help prevent some, if not all, of the heartaches that come with Meth.At 14 years old my daughter started doing typical teenager things, skipping school, coming in late etc. I tried talking to her and believed we were making headway, believed that she knew she could come to me for any reason. Things just escalated and I became so frustrated with her. I had 2 younger daughters watching all of this and I thought,, oh man what are they learning. It seemed that she just had to do things her way and to hell with me and the rest of us.I had had enough and with no help from outside sources ( I tried, believe me, I tried), I did the only thing I thought might jolt her into reality. I kicked her out. I hoped that she would learn that the grass wasn’t greener on the other side. Oh God,, I wish I knew then what I know now.Without making my story a novel, I will have to skip a couple of years, briefly, in those couple of years she, my family and I went through hell. There was an indirect involvement in a double murder, months of not hearing from her and I started getting shingles on a regular basis, severe panic attacks and migraines. It was to the point that I could barely function, my family was trying to cope with not just the losing a sister and daughter, but a mom as well.The few times I did have contact with my daughter I noticed her weight loss, just thought she wasn’t eating right. The last time I saw her,,, the time when I decided I had to cut her out of my life, when I had to make one of the hardest decisions a parent has to make, she looked awful,, skin and bones and no color to her skin. She was very frank with me and told me she about getting rolled by a john, carrying a knife for protection, things no parent wants to hear. I went home completely numb and afraid for her. I contacted the police and asked if there was anything I could do,, since she was 18 at the time,, my only option was to petition the courts and have her committed.I hate to admit this,,, but I was, for the first time in my life, afraid of my daughter. Afraid of the type of people she was with,,, afraid for my family. I decided it was time to think about me and my family, and stop all contact with her. It was horrible,,, every day I woke up thankful that I had no news of her, because no news was good news. Not a day went by without her in my thoughts, hoping she was okay, hoping that today wasn’t the day the police would show up on my doorstep telling me she was dead. Not a day went by that I thought to myself “what are you doing? Why are you taking this huge risk on you first born’s life, why aren’t you doing more? What kind of mom am I that I turn my back?” I could go on and on about the worry and guilt.2 years pass with no contact, our lives seem to be normal now,,, but every time I start to feel true happiness and contentment,, it’s like a glass of ice cold water is thrown in my face, no,,, it’s more like a knife is put though my heart. There is a huge part of me missing. One day, while at court with my son,,, ah teenagers,,, gotta love ‘em, I ran into my daughter she was about 20 then, she was there on fraud charges. I was so thankful to see her alive,,, alive yes,, but barely,,, the only way I can describe her is,,, she looked like death. I knew then that she was an addict. There’s that knife again, that glass of ice cold water. Oh My God, what happened to my beautiful daughter??? What did I do to my first born? Can I just die right now?? What a selfish thing to think.We gave her a ride home, it was a cold day. I thanked God she had a place to live. I held it together as best as I could and I once again turned my back,,, went home and cried and cried. To this day,,, I still don’t know how I could turn my back on her,,, was it cowardice,, self preservation,,, callousness,,, I don’t know. The only thing I do know is the guilt will be with me forever.Another year of no contact passes. It’s April of 2006 and I get a call from my sister. My daughter had contacted her and told her she was doing good for the first time in a long time and would she please let me know that she wanted to see me. She was alive! Thank you God,,, she was alive!I think to myself,,,ohhh is this just another ploy,,, I have heard this all before, many times. Do I risk seeing her,,, Of course I do.I can’t describe the feeling of seeing her again,, there is my beautiful baby,, now a woman, a beautiful woman, one with a light in her eyes that has been missing for so long,,, she looked better than fantastic and I knew deep down that the demons that had once her had not won. I knew in my heart she was back with me,,, call it mother’s intuition,, but I just knew,, the knife was gone,,, the ice cold water was gone.Both she and her boyfriend beat the demon together,, I only know what I have been told by them, and she will be telling her story here as well, so I will leave that part to her as she is the only on that can truly tell their story of survival and hope.I still worry though,,,, I worry about the lasting effects of the meth use. We know she has liver damage, we don’t know if she will be able to have children and now, my biggest fear is that I may lose her to some horrible disease from using that terrible drug. However, my worry will never take precedence over enjoying her each and everyday from now on. I am her momma bear and nothing, ever again, will come between us,,, I will not let it this time. I am completely happy and content now, for the first time in 7 years. My life is full, just as it should be.I am so incredibly proud of both my daughter and her boyfriend. I thank God everyday for her, and her boyfriend as well. Without him, his strength, and his love for her, things might have been very different. It goes both ways,,, without her, he wouldn’t be the person he is today. They are two wonderful souls that found each other amongst turmoil and triumphed over it together. I love them both more than they will ever know.This is my story, a story of heartache, guilt and worry, but more importantly a story of hope and survival. Do I feel lucky?,,, you bet I do. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I have my beautiful daughter back. She and I have a special bond that is unexplainable. She a fighter and a survivor and I thank God every day that she is with me. G. Clarke

I became addicted to "speed" in its pill form when I was a teenager(Cross-tops,Black Beauties,Pink Hearts,etc.)and by the time I graduated High school I was a full-blown alcoholic and drug addict.When I was in my early twenties,I was introduced to Meth and that began a twenty-five year addiction which plague me into my forties. At first I snorted the drug,but eventually that wasn't enough for me as I became so depressed and dependant I felt I needed more and so I became an IV user and remained so for the last 8 yrs of my addiction.I have lost two marriages, many friends and all my belongings to this drug. I have seen countless friends lose everything up to and including their lives and children and have seen some very dark and ugly things in the 25 yrs I was using.When the Police came through my living room door to arrest my drug dealer I was down to 140 lbs( I normally weigh about 185)and looked as if I was a holocaust survivor.I was so toxic from six months of Injecting up to $50 a day($100 if I wanted to get high)that I felt like a dope-soaked rag that someone was wringing out.I would fall asleep at 12-step meeting and just twitch and jerk.I now have two years of clean time and am living with my second ex-wife(who also got clean)and doing well.I now have my health and happiness and am finally free for the first time in many years.Both my wife and myself are still watching family members still struggling with Meth addiction and it is truly heart-wrenching to watch the ones you love dying in the grip of this horrendous disease.I now can look back at my part in all of it and I wonder why I went there.I had a good childhood and loving parents who provided well for us,we were not rich but had what we needed and were not abused or mis-treated.The one thing I have learned from this is that Meth does not discriminate-it is an equal-opportunity drug that will destroy anyone,some just quicker than others.I have seen this first-hand,I have seen otherwise good and decent people become lost and destroyed from this Evil drug.I do remember that the first several times I took speed I did it to have a good time,to have some fun.25 years later snd near death,it had long ceased to be fun and had become the only thing in my life.I spent every moment either using or looking for more to use.I once was sold something that looked,tasted and smelled like meth but was not and it killed me.I flat-lined for 3 minutes and the only reason I am alive to write this is because an EMT cared enuogh about the life I was throwing away to keep beating on my chest until he brought me out of it.Today I have many good things in my life that would not be there if I was still using.If you are an addict suffering from this drug and need to talk to someone who has been there,you can contact me at genec@rock.com and I will be glad to help in any awy I can.If I can help save one life,then my life has not been in vain.Remember-it does not have to be this way,recovery is possible if you want it,Death is what waits at the end if you don't.Thank you,and be well.G.C.

June 10, 2007, 06:28 AM (UTC -7