The Samurai Project

Sometimes who I want to become seems boring, but as I look at all the millions of other options I see around me, I only consider the most extreme jobs to be of any value. I don..t want to see myself wishing I could have done something different with my life and regretting that I began to dig my fate South when I should have dug East.

I would like to become a high school science teacher because I..ve always had a detailed knowledge of the things around me and I've devoted myself to furthering my friends and family..s knowledge of what kind of world they exist in. I've learned to derive pleasure from helping others to understand what reality is. Being a teacher is by no means extreme and being that I would have confined myself to a life of education, everyday I..m forming the tin that will slice the dough that ordains the eternity of my existence.

I don..t want to see myself as a cookie cutter person because that, to me, is the saddest state of existence. This is why I envy the primitive animals in the world because they can remain ignorant of their own desires and continue the simple life without questioning the motives behind their own action. In some ways, I hate myself for being intelligent because it brings about pain and worries that I wouldn..t have to deal with if I were able to stay a child the rest of my life.

I really hate the prospect of a form fitting future, but I am just another sheep in the 4.6 billion, and maybe I should be content to just belong to the herd. Maybe I..m trying so hard in college because I don..t want a spare second to quantify my existence. Doing so would hurt because I just don..t know what is going to happen, and as much effort as I apply, my future is never a sure thing. I can..t justify why anyone is reading my homepage, maybe it..s all truly pointless? That last statement reminds me of the depressed computer that was too smart for its own well-being in the book Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Like him I feel alone, but whereas his circuits and transistors could not find solace in another, I have hope that I will find that perfect someone to fill in the holes in my reality.

As I..m forced by the flows of fait accompli towards the apogee of my existence, I can only blame myself for jumping into the stream in the first place. I don..t want to accept what my actions have made me. I don..t want to have the pressures of my indecision crush the breath out of me. I don..t want to keep putting up walls or forging new weapons so I don..t get hurt. What happens to me is as real as a dream because in the end who I want to be and who I am will never be the same.