" Mark my words, when a
society has to resort to the lavatory for its humour, the writing is on the
wall. "
Alan
Bennett (Forty Years On, 1968)
Welcome to our Humour section. Having
depression or a related illness does not mean that we are unable to appreciate a good
joke from time to time.
Feel free to browse this section and we
hope it has the desired effect...
SIGNS YOU
MAY BE SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION
* You've got enough Prozac in
your purse to tranquilize King Kong.
* You really lose it whenever
someone says, "Good morning."
* You spend more time in bed than
a hooker at a Shriners convention.
* You keep your house so dark
that mushrooms are growing in the carpet.
* Given a choice, you'd have no
preference between sex or a root canal.
* On a really bad day, you
wouldn't come to the door if it was Publishers Clearing House.
* You list Dr. Kevorkian as a
character reference.
* Alcohol gives you strength and
food settles your nerves.
* Your hands shake so badly that
you can brush your teeth without any voluntary movement.
* You've cried so much that your
contacts have rusted to your eyeballs.
3 Shrinks
While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a
walk.
"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we
have no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other
out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a
compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as
often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I
frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I
just can't keep a secret."
Depression
Hotline
Depression's Finer
Moments
. How about a hotline for humor?
After the ring, depressed callers hear this recorded message:
"Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline." If you are obsessive-compulsive, please
press 1 repeatedly.
"If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2."
"If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6."
"If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want -- just
stay on the line so we can trace the call."
"If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you
which number to press."
"If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press -- no one
will answer."
THE 12 WARNING SIGNS
OF GOOD HEALTH*
(If several or more appear, you may rarely need to visit
a doctor.)
1. Regular flare-ups of a supportive network of friends
and family.
2. Chronic positive expectations.
3. Repeated episodes of gratitude and generosity.
4. Increased appetite for physical activity.
5. Marked tendency to identify and express feelings.
6. Compulsion to contribute to society.
7. Lingering sensitivity to the feelings of others.
8. Habitual behavior related to seeking new challenges.
9. Craving for peak experiences.
10. Tendency to adapt to changing conditions.
11. Feelings of spiritual involvement.
12. Persistent sense of humor.
Christmas Carols for the
Psychiatrically Challenged
SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and
Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll
tell you why...
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire...
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ............(better start again)
How To Get Ahead In
Life
1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch
with my inner sociopath.
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into
ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except
the ones that are someone else's fault.
4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise
myself, unless I want to stay employed.
5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having
control over others.
7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of
self-judgment.
8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would
have no personality at all.
9. Joan of Arc heard voices, too.
10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all
those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan,
whimper, and complain.
12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me,
they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is
cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
14. The first step is to say nice things about myself.
The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me
nice things.
15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to
carry a gun.
16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and
disgusting parts.
17. I am at one with my duality.
18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves
into knots.
19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing
myself with imaginary fears.
20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th
birthday.
21. I honor and express all facets of my being,
regardless of state and local laws.
22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice,
for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
23. False hope is better than no hope at all.
24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all
day in my underwear browsing the web. Instead, I will move my computer into the
bedroom.
26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a
minute. . . . I'll find someone.
27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I
can spend it worrying about the future?
28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that
the conspiracy is working.
29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as
effective as sabotage.
30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me
naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to
make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is
willing to learn from them.
33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
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