The Phantom Lover is one woman's poetic journey into the realms of obsessive love. As a result of her tragic childhood, this woman's life-changing experiences send her on a lifelong quest for acceptance and confirmed lovability, while spiraling through the disillusionment that only love from a man would make her whole. As a child with a shattered view of her own self-image, she struggles with the concept of what she was taught a female represented to society. She finds herself entagled with degrading relationships, submissive patterns, depression and romanticizing the concept of death, as well as fantasies of a make-believe knight in shining armor to find her redemption. Through self-discovery and deep spiritual reflection, she goes from one extreme of the human emotion to the next, traversing through the deepest depths of physical passions and emotional insecurities untl she reaches a destination of truths. Expressing herself through poetic form, she finds ultimate deliverance from her tragic past, while facing the realities of her present. The Phantom Lover is one woman's quest for human love, yet in the end, it's not the love of a man that sets her free, but the devine deliverance and grace of God.
You Are
You are the sun that lights the heavens above
You are the moon and stars that illuminates the night
You are the universe that holds me captive
As the rainbow above represents every facet of you
The rain symbolizes every tear you’ve cried
The wind represents every breath you take
Each grain of sand represents a year that I will always love you
As the sand is infinite, as is my love for you immeasurable
You are my world and I live on it
You are the river I wish to drink from when I thirst
Oh, how I wish your arms could be my house of safety
Where I run to in need of protection from life’s hurts
Your eyes are full of wisdom
Your mouth the oracle of truth
Your touch the birth of passions within
Your gaze like a warm blanket on top of me
I bask in your warm illumination
My skin tingly from the thought of your breath upon my skin
Your heartbeats like angels singing
Joy and rapture I would be therein
Your feet would be my chariot
I’d go wherever your footsteps would take me
Your words never questioned for they are holy
For my soul longs to caress your own
My night sky would be darkened without your glow
Gazing down from the moon and stars above
I am so small compared to you so high
Yet you know not that I even exist
Your splendor will always be breathtaking
Whether you are aware of my lowly existence or not
I will humbly adore and admire your perfection
Till this day passes into the next
Heaven is not a far away journey
Our life here only a grain of sand in God’s hourglass
Someday the grain of sand that has our names on it will fall and rise above
When there I will finally see you; there I will behold your glory forever
For what once lives here lives again up above
There I will look for you someday
Traversing the heavens high and low
For it is your soul I long to embrace
In life and in death I will look for you here and there
You are my dream among all dreams
Seeing you would complete my heaven above
Seeing you would finally complete me
Flowers in my hair
Prancing around the magnolia tree
I swing from limb to limb
Smelling all the white bloomed flowers
Fresh from dew from mid-morning showers
I played with wild roses’ red
That laced about the trees by the pond
And kissed the blooms with pecks of affection
When I looked and saw your handsome reflection
I turned in awe for you were lovely
Like no other has there been such a creature as you
My eyes were wide with adoration
My heart skipped a beat with loving elation
As you spoke to me, my body did shiver
You knelt before me on bended knee
Your eyes were hazel and hair tousled black
Like a wild impassioned predator ready to attack
I sat before you overcome with your splendor
You smiled at me and stroked my cheek
Speaking with kindness you laughed a bit
And asked if beside me you could sit
I nodded my head but words came not
As your scent of maleness swept over my senses
You looked at me and into my eyes you did stare
As you placed dainty flowers in my hair
Reaching for my hand you put kisses on my palm
My heart fluttered with each caress
The warmth of your breath upon my wrist
Your tender affections I couldn’t resist
Tilting my chin, your lips pressed my own
My body fell into your arms
You cradled my head and lay me down beneath you
I not knowing exactly what you intended to do
Buttons undone and zippers unzipped
We lay upon a bed of flowery delight
You kissed my shoulders and every part
Until you worked your way into my heart
I knew you not then knew you well
My soul loved you at first sight
We met each other every day
Under the magnolia we would eagerly play
Putting flowers in my hair
Each day that we made nature sing
Butterflies swarming over our head
As we made love in our flowery bed
Holding me close you whisper sweet nothings
I take in your voice, which is warm with affection
I look into your hazel eyes that stare into my soul
Knowing that when I met you my life was made whole
Honeysuckle kisses
I long to kiss your lips
That is red as flowering honeysuckle
Gathering the sweet nectar
With my eager tongue
Mimosa blooms in your hair
Daisies at your chin
Shoulder’s bare before me
Your dress flowing silkily in the breeze
Gathering dandelions
You purse your lips and blow
The fuzzy floaters fly into the air
Their seedlings soar eagerly
Flying to their new home
I stroke your creamy temple
Brushing aside a springy curl
My hand cradles the back of your head
Pulling you closer to me
Pausing for a moment
As I look into your bright green eyes
Seeking your lips drenched with dew
I quench my thirst and partake
For the well of love lives
Upon your every breath
I long to taste your love
Deeply, madly, truly
I push away the silken barriers
Your raiment falling to your ankles
Then I lay you down
Upon the grassy blanket beneath our feet
We make love to the music of the meadow
Birds singing
Insects chiming
The songs of nature is the birth of all creation
As our love was being created
We mate with one another
For God has given us this day
Let us make love in it
For we are one with the earth
One with God
One with each other
In one flesh we shall be for eternity
Off into the daisies
Each day I look upon the rolling hills
Covered with flowers so sweet
I love to run barefoot in the grass
Where I feel the blades tickle the soles of my feet
Like a child, I remember the days
When I ran so free in the meadow nearby
Playing in the streams and splashing about
It’s where I’d go to cry
I’d look at the many flowers
Wishing I could be
So beautiful as they are
To be so carefree
I’d run off into the daisies
Each of their faces turned toward the sun
I’d kiss their petals and make a wish
Enjoying my little girl fun
Plucking the petals, I asked so sweet
He loves me-He loves me not
Wishing upon the man of my dreams
And thinking of him a lot
I’d run so fast through the trees
Living each day is if it lasted forever
Mud pies were my specialty
Nobody would eat them ever
I’d pretend that I was meeting
The lover that lives within my mind
In the meadow he would wait for me
A prince so sweet and kind
“Take me away!” I’d ask him
“Be my knight on a noble steed.
I’d travel with you anywhere.
I will follow-you can lead.”
He was never there, though
Only in my mind
Off into the daisies
My lover I couldn’t find
I cried many a tear
I called out to God above
As the flowers bowed their heads
For the loss of my beloved
I lay upon the ground
My hand on my chest
Feeling my heart breaking
As I lay a spell to rest
I look up into the sky
And watched the birds above
Each one having a mate
Each one had a love
I longed for that day
When loves sweet song would sing to me
Off into the daisies
My lover waits to be with me
Whispering Winds
Trees are rustling about the land
Grass is swaying beneath my feet
Across the plain, I hear it whistle
In the air something sweet
I look above me at clouds of gray
Where I feel the mist of sprinkles fall
My skin is wet with dews fresh kiss
In the distance, I hear the tiny sparrows call
Off to shelter squirrels go in haste
In the bush rabbits hide
Birds flutter about in trees above
Above my head the eagle flies
Droplets fall upon my face
I smile and look up high
Tasting the moistness upon my lips
Not one inch of my body is dry
My hair is clingy, wet and stringy
Each strand sticks to me
My face and shoulders hugged so tight
I struggle with all my might, I try to break free
I run so fast, splish and splash
Across the meadows way
Till I reached my cabins door
Thanking God for this day
Moments of splendor
Hazel globes look deep within me
As we lay lazily upon the grassy ground
I stroke your hair and brush it back with my fingers
Our lips the other has found
You tickle my cheek with a dandelion
I feel the fuzziness and smile so sweet
Your lips caress mine and all is over
Our clothes at our feet
Our picnic blanket in disarray
Our caresses a secret and forbidden
Honeysuckle bushes yellow and red
It’s where we can love and stay hidden
My legs go about you in eager anticipation
I feel your warmth come within
Your love is warm like rays of sunshine
You are a man above other men
Like a God of love you linger
Your touches slow and silky smooth
Your kisses refresh my soul
Your words of comfort soothe
Your older embrace my dwelling place
Your whispers my eager joy
Each time your words fall lightly upon my ears
I become your toy
Play with me my lover of the meadow
Play with me until dusk
Hide behind the honeysuckle with me
Let me inhale your scent of woodsy musk
Let’s play the game of love, my sweet
My arms are open wide
Let me run into your embrace this day
It is there for eternity I shall hide
Off into the field of dreams
Let’s make a home for you and I
Kiss away what we once knew
Then to all let’s say goodbye
Everything we need is here right now
In the field of love we have sown
For only in you have I existed
For you’re all I’ve ever known
Song of rebirth
The forest breathes its song of rebirth
I listen to its laughter as it wafts over me
It’s warmth of being covers me
Like a warm blanket upon a winter’s morn
I look out and see fields of green
Spotted colors of every flower
Dancing in the spring breeze
My little cabin perched high upon a hill
Overlooking the meadow of flowers below
I run amongst the butterflies
Their yellow and blue wings flapping beside me
Let me fly away with you. I ask them
Let me taste the sweet nectar that you seek, let me be one with you
I fall into the daisies
Bee’s buzz about me in total elation
They care not that I watch them in wonder
As they eat their fill of natures nectar
The sweetness of their creation moves them on
Till the canvas of their comb overflows
With the golden sweetness of honey
Oh honeybee’s let me live with you, let me but taste the joy of your creation
Hello ants, I could learn from you
You’re so dedicated, so full of life
Where is that in me?
You drive forward-I stand still.
Teach me to be more like you
Teach me to live in the wake of your labors
Let me know abundance.
However, never let me forget
To stop and smell the flowering weeds
To caress each petal between my fingers
Gods creation my joy
My longing to be one with him
To be the keeper of all furry critters
To be at peace with every creepy crawly thing
Let the rats be my guardian angels
Let the snakes be my fortress of protection
Let the little mice be my tiny toys
And every part of living nature clothe me in its colorful raiment
A blanket of hope for a new day
The dawn of life my hope
The dusk my sanctuary of rest
Oh, moon above guide me home
Set me free for God lives above in the land of harmony.
My eventual home of refuge
Let me be the keeper of nature
Let me cradle it within my heart
Let me be the keeper of all things beautiful
For God you are beauty purified
Starry skies
Darkness is about me
I look up into the starry skies
I cannot help but wonder
If a simple wish could make my dreams come true
I imagine your presence near me
Holding me tight within your embrace
Looking longingly in my eyes
How I wish that could be true
How I wish I could have you….
I see your life and I envy the wholeness you have in it
I am incomplete, for you wish not for my love
Your heart does not ache for mine
But I do not move on, for you are the reason I know love
You were the first love of my life
Though you never returned that love to me
You knew my heart yearned for your embrace
Yet you watched me suffer so deeply
How I wish I could have you….
You had only a sweet smile as recognition of my pain
You were kind to me all the while
You never once took advantage of me
Your heart was always so tender
I cannot help but long for you to think tenderly about me
I am not beautiful as you see beauty
For all your women are poised and perfect
I represent cuteness and the word pretty describes my look
How I wish I could have you….
I still think like a child
Even though I am now a woman
My thoughts of you remain the same
Because I have loved you since I was a child
I always longed to feel your love
Shining upon my face
To have you look at me with passion
The same way I see you looking at other women
How I wish I could have you….
Your eyes are so beautiful
Everything about you is angelic
Oh love of my life, why can’t you love me too
I know I am not perfect, I am not like the others
Please let me hold you in my aching arms
To hear the sweet music of your heartbeat in my ears
Thumping hard as I lay my head upon your chest.
While I wrap my arms about you
How I wish I could have you….
Your beauty overshadows my own
For you are perfection and I am lowly and humble
I would give you all that I possess
Even though all I have to my name is my love for you
If I could just brush my lips across your own
Run my fingers through your hair just once
I know I would be content to die at that moment
For I would be in heaven in the presence of you
How I wish I could have you….
My love of all loves, you would be amazed
At what I would do to have you in my life
What I would accept to just hold you in my arms even for a moment
There is no limit of the depths of my love for you
I would settle for the crumbs instead of the banquet
For your crumbs would satisfy me to my hearts content
I would be a quiet wife and never ask for more
No more than what you desired to give
How I wish I could have you….
I would take what little time you offered to me
And cherish it forever
Holding it closer to my heart than my life itself
Just to live and breath off the perfume of your essence
Sometimes when we see each other you touch my face gently
Your arms are always eager to embrace me and wish me good day
How long I have wished that you would take me too your castle
And ravish my body over and over again
How I wish I could have you….
I would be content if you used me, as long as I could experience you just once
To taste the essence of your masculine honey upon my lips
To drink from the well of your flesh
To bathe in the dew from your labored excitement
You do not know it but I am your slave
And you are my master
I wait outside your thrown
Waiting for the moment to love you
How I wish I could have you….
I pray someday you’ll call upon me
That you would let me into your dwelling place
For my whole universe is void without you in it
And I live upon every longing of you
I see you
I see your face up in the heavenly clouds
I feel the warmth of your sweet breath
Falling upon me like the winds
As I see the brightness of your smile in the sun up above
The hilly pastors remind me of us
When we would lie together upon the wet green grass
Kissing and holding each other so close
We could hear our hearts beating as one
Walking hand in hand by the pond
Skipping rocks across the rippled waters
Tall weeds blowing in the wind
As we chased each other across the field
Falling to the ground with our arms about the other
Smiles on our faces with kisses soft and dewy wet
There we made love upon the cool earth below
Making love to the music of nature’s symphony
Knowing nothing else but our love for each other
Free as the wind that blows
Going higher than the cottony clouds
Soaring above on doves wings
Peace envelops us, consumes us
As our embrace lingers in ecstasy
Lost we become in each others gaze
The world around us disappears
There is only you and I
I fall into you- you fall into me
Nothing else around us matters anymore
Our lives bonded together with love
Music plays in our ears
As we catch each other in a mutual embrace
Falling into loves sweet song
Loves sweet kiss
Your lips are heaven
When I partake
Juicy with sweetness
When we wake
To start my days
With kisses like yours
Opens my heart
And loves closed doors
I open it for you
Sweet lover of mine
For you are gentle
You are kind
Loves sweet kisses
Bring me closer up high
To the place you brought me
The place where I fly
Come soar with me
I will take you there
Up high with me
A perfect pair
Your hugs so warm
Like rays from the sun
On a steamy day
When we’re having fun
Comfort you are
My longing fulfilled
When your loves sweet kisses
In I do’s it sealed
The crickets
In the night, I hear the crickets
Playing their song so sweet
I look to the moon for the light I love
I look to the moon, which sets above
The wind is swift with warm caresses
The breeze lingering through my open window
I look to the stars for falling embers
Wondering each time if my lover remembers
Do you think upon our days that passed
That we spent together not long ago
Do you miss the kisses and the sweet embrace
And the glow upon my face
Are my thoughts a lonely entity
Are you thinking upon me too
I lie here wishing upon falling stars and moon
That you’d be back in my life so very soon
My prayers are longsuffering
I can almost taste your lips upon mine
Your caresses my nightmare and I awake
Wishing my body you would partake
So on I linger in this night
Wishing for a love that is not
I will love you forever true
For loving you is all I wish to do
What you are
Your eyes are like woodsy meadows
Lips like silken petals fresh with dew
Hair like a raven’s plumage
Your gaze eager and ready to pursue
Your chest defines strength and power
Arms strong like pillars of stone
Stomach like chiseled granite
My body your fingers own
Your tongue is soft upon my flesh
Kisses wet and gently sweet
Tenderly your fingers explore me
Seeking out my aching heat
Your caresses eager and knowing
A lover so perfect in every way
Your kisses dance all over me
Our mouths eager to explore and play
Your touch is never rushed
You linger your loving with perfection
I seem so small in your embrace
I feel safe in your manly protection
I hide longingly in your arms
Tuning out the world around
I lose myself in your warming touch
For in your arms my heavens been found
What you are is my world
I live on it in complete submission
Living for you and serving you well
Making you happy is my ambition
I will be your lover and your friend
I long for nothing else in this life
Nothing means more to me my love
Than to be your adoring wife
Can you feel my pain
My sweet lover
Can you feel my pain
I cannot live without your touch
Your embrace my emotional crutch
I lean on you for my protection
You are the man of all my dreams
I bow to you and vow my love forever
Honoring you in every endeavor
My heart beats on, for you are its source
My blood would run cold without your touch
My skin would dry up without your dewy kisses
My sole motivation is fulfilling your wishes
Oh master of my life tell me what you ponder
Let me know your mind and every secret thing
Hold me deep within you until we are more than just one
For your star shines brighter than the heavenly sun
Take me to your hiding place
Let me take refuge in your embrace
Let your eyes be my captor
For I will look for them in the hereafter
When we perish on this earth
Look for me in the heavens above
I’ll never stop looking until I see your face
In heaven above in every place
For death would be sweeter
With you on the other side
Waiting for me and I for thee
For you and I are destiny
Neither life nor death
Should part this union
For we are one and the same
From heaven to earth to heaven again
Forever in each other’s embrace we will remain
All that I wish for
You are all that I wish for
For you are love
Personified joy upon joy
Is your laughter
I glorify your presence
For you are brilliantly created
Your breaths like the wind
Brushing across my skin so close
Warm kisses of dewy wetness
Brush against my face
Whispers in my ears
Fall softly in tones of want
Hold me; your eyes speak in volumes
Kiss me; your lips personify the pleasure
Love me, your body enveloping me with its shadow
Falling down I worship you
My dearest longing in my heart
Come-hither and hold me close
Lying docile before you, I submit
Spread out like melted butter
Your eyes consume me completely
I live not for my own will but for yours
Oh, take me; leave my flesh no more
For I live not without your splendor beside me
My lover, you are my friend
My master, I belong to you
My lord, over all that I am
My husband, the other half of our holy union
How I long for thee in the night
My dreams passionate with your embrace
I follow you in complete submission
Even in the darkness of my subconscious
Interconnected in mind and spirit
I could not live without your breath
Falling upon my flesh and ear
I’d wither without the love of you
My sweet lover
My sweet lover
Can you feel my pain
I cannot live without your touch
Your embrace my emotional crutch
I lean on you for my protection
You are the man of all my dreams
I bow to you and vow my love forever
Honoring you in every endeavor
My heart beats on, for you are its source
My blood would run cold without your touch
My skin would dry up without your dewy kisses
My sole motivation is fulfilling your wishes
Oh master of my life tell me what you ponder
Let me know your mind and every secret thing
Hold me deep within you until we are more than just one
For your star shines brighter than the heavenly sun
Take me to your hiding place
Let me take refuge in your embrace
Let your eyes be my captor
For I will look for them in the hereafter
When we perish on this earth
Look for me in the heavens above
I’ll never stop looking until I see your face
In heaven above in every place
For death would be sweeter
With you on the other side
Waiting for me and I for thee
For you and I were destiny
Neither life nor death
Should part this union
For we are one and the same
From heaven to earth to heaven again
Forever in each other’s embrace we will remain
I long for the embrace of my lover
I long for the embrace of my lover
Who lives within my mind
My heart is breaking for his touch
For his presence, I love so much
Can I not ever break free from your hold
That captivates my heart and mind
Can I not live without your embrace
I crumble at the thought of never seeing your face
Your touch my obsession
My compulsion is to love you
I long to serve the very essence of your being
I go crazy thinking of you, wishing someday of fleeing
Into your embrace I would run so fast
Holding you so tight against my breasts
To feel your heart beating and to look into your eyes
To see love and tenderness instead of despise
I would crumble before you
My body would go limp with overwhelming passion
For you are the weaknesses in my mind
In possessing you, myself I would find
For I live in your soul
Deeper than you can see
Traversing your atmosphere
All you are I hold true and dear
Loving you is my hearts eager content
True joy lives in your embrace
Your touch my pleasure and what I seek
For you are the only one who makes me weak
I pray for you in every breath
My soul in love with the very notion
Lying in wait to be slaughtered, that’s what I am
For you are the wolf and I am the lamb
Come over power me
I give myself willingly to my demise
You look at my love and you know I belong to you
That I would give in to all you say and do
I would give you my life
For just a moment in your embrace
To run my fingers through your hair
To look longingly in your hazel pair
To feel the warmth of your feather touch
To feel your lips caress my skin
My body yearning for every desire
To feel the burning of your rising fire
I’d take my life to save yours
I’d do as you commanded me to do
For my mind dwells not on its own
Into your every fiber I have grown
So let me bow down at your feet
Let me live within your arms
To kiss your hands and worship you
For in your arms my love will always remain true
In his arms I long to be
In his arms I long to be
My soul aching in thunderous despair
My heart throbs rapturous with anticipation
For a man that will never be there
What can I do
When I long for something that exists not
For a man that makes the coldest of days
Burn more intensely than any hot
He is like the sun that sets in the morn
Bright like a star that never stops shining
He is the clouds that float above me
A never-ending silver lining
He is the hope of a new day rising
For each one longs for another chance with him
All my life I long for nothing more
For his affections, I wish I could win
The future is not without my beloved
He is the knight that rescues my soul from the mundane
Although he is not in realities realm
He keeps my longings in the den of the insane
Oh, wander still my heart of old
That has beat for him since I was a child
Never will I leave his chest of gold
For my heart and mind he has defiled
Tightly entwined I am to him
Woven in a fabric made of love
Wishing his heart that I could win
And peace surrounding like a dove
Oh, my lover, come to my awaiting arms
Let me embrace thee with all that I am
You are my Prince of passion
Because of you, my soul will be damned
Oh longing cease, let me go I pray
I live in a world that exists not
My mind wandering through valleys of make believe
Where this conjured life my only shot
Someday I must say goodnight to you
That day will hurt me most
When you are gone and breathe no more
Where you live above with the heavenly host
Oh, God above let it not be so
That this will be the only way I can embrace his perfection
For this life would be void without his mirrored soul
For I live to know his reflection
Take me home not this day
For tomorrow I may be blessed from thee
To know the love of all my life
Perhaps someday he’ll stand in front of me
My Idol
When I was ten years old
I fell in love with you
Although I was just a little child
I loved you deep and true
You were my very first love
You were my idol
I talked about you incessantly
My tongue I couldn’t bridle
I prayed to God that I could be
Your wife someday very soon
I wished upon many a star
I even wished upon the moon
I thought you were an angel from heaven
For you looked like one to me
Your beauty almost a sin to behold
You were perfect from what I could see
I believed that someday we’d marry
I’d be your adoring wife
That I would have your babies
We’d live this happily ever after kind of life
My enthusiasm for your splendor
Bored so many family and friend
Your pictures plastered my walls
They hoped it would someday end
However, you are now much older
From when I was just a little child
Your stature is even more mesmerizing
Driving my own just as wild
Your body is exquisitely perfect
Like a Greek god is your build
I suppose I’ll adore you forever
For my fate has been eternally sealed
You became the beautiful prince
In many a romance novel
For there’s not another man like you
Whom I love to grovel
Even to this day, Peter
You make me feel like I am ten
For you will always be my dream
My favorite among all men