We will be breaking up this next principle of our study, over the next two months because of it’s importance and length. The Principle that we will be covering is “Interpersonal Leadership”, as found within the book “The seven habits of highly effective People” by Steven R. Covey. As always, I highly recommend that you have a book copy for yourself to gain a better understanding of the subject matter. Lets get right into it. Whether you are the president of a company or the janitor, the moment you step from independence into interdependence in any capacity, you step into a leadership role. You are in a position of influencing other people. And the habit of effective interpersonal leadership is Think : Win/Win. Win/Win Win/Win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions. Win/Win means that agreements or solutions are mutually beneficial, mutually satisfying. Win/Win sees life as a cooperation, not a competitive arena. Most people tend to think in terms of dichotomies: strong or weak, hard or softball, win or lose. But that kind of thinking is fundamentally flawed. It’s based on power and position rather than on principle. Win/Win is a belief in the Third Alternative. It’s not your way or my way; it’s a better way, a higher way. Win/Lose In leadership style, Win/Lose is the authoritarian approach : “I get my way, you don’t get yours.” Win/Lose people are prone to use position, power, credentials, possessions, or personality to get their way. And most people have been deeply scripted in the Win/Lose mentality since birth. When one child is compared with another--when patience, understanding or love is given or withdrawn on the basis of such comparisons---people are into Win/Lose thinking. And what happens to a young mind and heart, highly vulnerable, highly dependant upon the support and emotional affirmation of the parents, in the face of conditional love? The child is molded, shaped, and programmed in the Win/Lose mentality. Certainly there is a place for Win/Lose thinking in truly competitive and low-trust situations. But most of life is not a competition. We don’t have to live each day competing with our spouse, our children, our coworkers, our neighbors, and our friends. Most of life is an interdependent, not an independent, reality. Most of the results you want in life will depend on cooperation between you and others. Lose/Win Lose/win is worse than Win/Lose because it has no standards--no demands, no expectations, no vision. People who think Lose/Win are usually quick to please or appease. They seek strength from popularity or acceptance. They have little courage to express their own feelings and convictions and are easily intimidated by the ego strength of others. In Negotiation, Lose/Win is seen as capitulation--giving in or giving up. In leadership style, it’s permissiveness or indulgence. Lose/Win means being a nice guy, even if “nice guys finish last.” People who are constantly repressing, not transcending feelings toward a higher meaning find that it affects the quality of their self-esteem and eventually the quality of their relationships with others. Many executives, managers, and parents swing back and forth, as if on a pendulum, from Win/Lose inconsideration to Lose/Win indulgence. When they can’t stand the confusion and lack of structure, direction, expectation, and discipline any longer, they swing back to Win/Lose--until guilt undermines their resolve and drives them back to Lose/Win --until anger and frustration drive them back to Win/lose again. We may all see parts of ourselves within each of these paradigms. This is always a good thing, despite of what we may be currently thinking about ourselves and our current behavior patterns because once we can recognize it,…we can then, also change it….by simply practicing a new habit. Remember, Habits are formed through want and repeated practice. Just like riding a bike for the first time, it can be done and before you know it, you can do it without any conscious effort at all. We will cover the next three paradigms in next months newsletter. Many Blessings, Carol
We will be breaking up this next principle of our study, over the next two months because of it’s importance and length. The Principle that we will be covering is “Interpersonal Leadership”, as found within the book “The seven habits of highly effective People” by Steven R. Covey. As always, I highly recommend that you have a book copy for yourself to gain a better understanding of the subject matter.
Lets get right into it. Whether you are the president of a company or the janitor, the moment you step from independence into interdependence in any capacity, you step into a leadership role. You are in a position of influencing other people. And the habit of effective interpersonal leadership is Think : Win/Win.
Win/Win
Win/Win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions. Win/Win means that agreements or solutions are mutually beneficial, mutually satisfying. Win/Win sees life as a cooperation, not a competitive arena. Most people tend to think in terms of dichotomies: strong or weak, hard or softball, win or lose. But that kind of thinking is fundamentally flawed. It’s based on power and position rather than on principle. Win/Win is a belief in the Third Alternative. It’s not your way or my way; it’s a better way, a higher way.
Win/Lose
In leadership style, Win/Lose is the authoritarian approach : “I get my way, you don’t get yours.” Win/Lose people are prone to use position, power, credentials, possessions, or personality to get their way. And most people have been deeply scripted in the Win/Lose mentality since birth. When one child is compared with another--when patience, understanding or love is given or withdrawn on the basis of such comparisons---people are into Win/Lose thinking. And what happens to a young mind and heart, highly vulnerable, highly dependant upon the support and emotional affirmation of the parents, in the face of conditional love? The child is molded, shaped, and programmed in the Win/Lose mentality.
Certainly there is a place for Win/Lose thinking in truly competitive and low-trust situations. But most of life is not a competition. We don’t have to live each day competing with our spouse, our children, our coworkers, our neighbors, and our friends. Most of life is an interdependent, not an independent, reality. Most of the results you want in life will depend on cooperation between you and others.
Lose/Win
Lose/win is worse than Win/Lose because it has no standards--no demands, no expectations, no vision. People who think Lose/Win are usually quick to please or appease. They seek strength from popularity or acceptance. They have little courage to express their own feelings and convictions and are easily intimidated by the ego strength of others. In Negotiation, Lose/Win is seen as capitulation--giving in or giving up. In leadership style, it’s permissiveness or indulgence. Lose/Win means being a nice guy, even if “nice guys finish last.” People who are constantly repressing, not transcending feelings toward a higher meaning find that it affects the quality of their self-esteem and eventually the quality of their relationships with others.
Many executives, managers, and parents swing back and forth, as if on a pendulum, from Win/Lose inconsideration to Lose/Win indulgence. When they can’t stand the confusion and lack of structure, direction, expectation, and discipline any longer, they swing back to Win/Lose--until guilt undermines their resolve and drives them back to Lose/Win --until anger and frustration drive them back to Win/lose again.
We may all see parts of ourselves within each of these paradigms. This is always a good thing, despite of what we may be currently thinking about ourselves and our current behavior patterns because once we can recognize it,…we can then, also change it….by simply practicing a new habit. Remember, Habits are formed through want and repeated practice. Just like riding a bike for the first time, it can be done and before you know it, you can do it without any conscious effort at all.
We will cover the next three paradigms in next months newsletter.
Many Blessings,
Carol
I came across this wisdom, and thought it would be great to share with you in this June Newsletter. We will continue with the series that we have been covering next month. 10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace By : Dr. Wayne Dyer 1. Have a Mind That is Open to Everything and Attached to Nothing… There may have been some adults who encouraged you to have an open mind. But if you’re honest with yourself, you know that your philosophy of life, your religious beliefs, your manner of dress, and your language are a function of what your tribe (and its heritage) determined was right for you. I urge you to open your mind to “all” possibilities, to resist any effort to be pigeonholed, and to refuse to allow pessimism into your consciousness. Having a mind that is open to everything and attached to nothing seems to me to be one of the most basic principles and world peace. 2. Don’t Die with Your Music Still in you… Take a moment right now and point to yourself. Your finger is pointing right at your heart. Not at your brain, but your heart. This is who you are. Your left brain calculates, figures things out, analyzes, and comes up with the most logical choices for you. It thinks, thinks, thinks. Your right brain represents your intuitive side. This is the part of you that goes beyond reason and analysis. It’s the part of you that feels things. As Thoreau put it, “If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured away.” Don’t be afraid to try…Live your Dreams! 3. You Can’t Give Away what You Don’t Have… Think of the people you know who give in response to negative energy that’s directed their way. There aren’t very many people who respond lovingly in that situation. The ones who do are able to because they have love to give away. Low energy attracts low energy. Some of the low energy thoughts are anger, hate, shame, guilt and fear. Not only do they weaken you, but they attract more of the same. By becoming more loving toward yourself, you will attract more of the higher, faster energies and begin to change what’s inside you. 4. Embrace Silence… There’s a momentary silence in the space between your thoughts that you can become aware of with practice. In this silent space, you’ll find the peace that you crave in your daily life. You’ll never know that peace if you have no spaces between thoughts. The average person is said to have 60,000 separate thoughts every day. With so many thoughts, there are almost no gaps. If you could reduce that number by half, you would open up an entire world of possibilities for yourself. It’s really like the space between the notes that make the music you enjoy so much. Without the spaces, all you would have is one continuous noisy note. Everything that’s created comes out of silence. Anytime in you’re felling out of sorts in any way, go to nature and listen to the birds, watch the butterflies, walk bare footed on the green grass, and find your peace. 5. Give Up Your Personal History… When a speedboat zooms across the surface of the water, there’s a white foamy forth behind it that’s called the ’wake” of the boat. The wake is nothing more than the trail that’s left behind. The answer to, “What is driving the boat?” is that the boat moves because of present-moment energy generated by the engine. This is what makes the boat move forward across the water. Do you think it’s possible for the wake to drive the boat? Can the trail that’s left behind make a boat go forward? These are rhetorical questions with obvious answers. I’m sure you agree that the wake is only the trial left behind, and that it’s not what drives the boat forward. I’m suggesting that you apply this idea to your life. Your “wake” is…your “past”, and therefore, is not something to control your now or tomorrow.
I came across this wisdom, and thought it would be great to share with you in this June Newsletter. We will continue with the series that we have been covering next month.
10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace
By : Dr. Wayne Dyer
1. Have a Mind That is Open to Everything and Attached to Nothing…
There may have been some adults who encouraged you to have an open mind. But if you’re honest with yourself, you know that your philosophy of life, your religious beliefs, your manner of dress, and your language are a function of what your tribe (and its heritage) determined was right for you. I urge you to open your mind to “all” possibilities, to resist any effort to be pigeonholed, and to refuse to allow pessimism into your consciousness. Having a mind that is open to everything and attached to nothing seems to me to be one of the most basic principles and world peace.
2. Don’t Die with Your Music Still in you…
Take a moment right now and point to yourself. Your finger is pointing right at your heart. Not at your brain, but your heart. This is who you are. Your left brain calculates, figures things out, analyzes, and comes up with the most logical choices for you. It thinks, thinks, thinks. Your right brain represents your intuitive side. This is the part of you that goes beyond reason and analysis. It’s the part of you that feels things.
As Thoreau put it, “If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured away.” Don’t be afraid to try…Live your Dreams!
3. You Can’t Give Away what You Don’t Have…
Think of the people you know who give in response to negative energy that’s directed their way. There aren’t very many people who respond lovingly in that situation. The ones who do are able to because they have love to give away. Low energy attracts low energy. Some of the low energy thoughts are anger, hate, shame, guilt and fear. Not only do they weaken you, but they attract more of the same. By becoming more loving toward yourself, you will attract more of the higher, faster energies and begin to change what’s inside you.
4. Embrace Silence…
There’s a momentary silence in the space between your thoughts that you can become aware of with practice. In this silent space, you’ll find the peace that you crave in your daily life. You’ll never know that peace if you have no spaces between thoughts. The average person is said to have 60,000 separate thoughts every day. With so many thoughts, there are almost no gaps. If you could reduce that number by half, you would open up an entire world of possibilities for yourself. It’s really like the space between the notes that make the music you enjoy so much. Without the spaces, all you would have is one continuous noisy note. Everything that’s created comes out of silence. Anytime in you’re felling out of sorts in any way, go to nature and listen to the birds, watch the butterflies, walk bare footed on the green grass, and find your peace.
5. Give Up Your Personal History…
When a speedboat zooms across the surface of the water, there’s a white foamy forth behind it that’s called the ’wake” of the boat. The wake is nothing more than the trail that’s left behind. The answer to, “What is driving the boat?” is that the boat moves because of present-moment energy generated by the engine. This is what makes the boat move forward across the water. Do you think it’s possible for the wake to drive the boat? Can the trail that’s left behind make a boat go forward? These are rhetorical questions with obvious answers. I’m sure you agree that the wake is only the trial left behind, and that it’s not what drives the boat forward. I’m suggesting that you apply this idea to your life. Your “wake” is…your “past”, and therefore, is not something to control your now or tomorrow.
6. You can’t Solve a Problem with the Same Mind that Created It…
Try to remember that you carry every relationship around with you in your head. Robert Frost reminded us, “You love the things you love for what they are.” When you forget this and process other people on the basis of what you think they “should” be, or what they “used” to be, or how they “compare” to what you are, then you’ve sent love away, and in your mind, the relationship has soured. You experience every thing and everyone in your “thoughts.” Change your thoughts, and you change what you carry around in your head as a problem.
7. There are No Justified Resentments…
Become a person who refuses to be offended by any one, any thing, or any set of circumstances. If something takes place and you disapprove, by all means state what you feel form your heart; and if possible, work to eliminate it and then, let it go. Your desire is to be peaceful--not to be right, hurt, angry or resentful. If you have enough faith in your beliefs, you’ll find that it’s almost impossible to be offended by the beliefs and conduct of others. Saying, “I control, what I feel.”
8. Treat Yourself as if Your Already Are what You’d like to Be…
What ever it is that you envision for yourself--no matter how lofty or impossible it may seem to you right now--I encourage you to begin acting as if what you would like to become…is already your reality. This is a wonderful way to set into motion the forces that will collaborate with you to make your dreams come true. To activate the creative forces that lie dormant in your life, you must go to the unseen world, the world beyond you’re your form. Here is where what doesn’t exist for you in your world of form will be created. You might think of it this way…In form, you receive in-formation. When you move to spirit, you receive in-spiration. It is this world of inspiration that will guide you to assess anything that you would like to have in your life.
9. Treasure your Divinity…
Your ego is nothing more than an “idea” that you carry around with you everywhere you go. This idea tells you that you are the--sum total of what you have, what you do, and who you are. Ego insists that you are a separate being, that your personality and your body are your essence, and that you are in competition with every other ego to get your share of the pie, which is limited and finite. Therefore, ego asserts, you must be wary of others who also want all that they fell they’re entitled to. Consequently, ego leads you to believe that there are enemies to be wary of at all times. Since you’re separate from, you must disdain cooperating with them for fear of being cheated. The result is that you have to distrust everyone!
Your ego also tells you that you’re separate from everything that’s missing in your life, and so, you must spend a great deal of energy chasing after what’s missing. Ego is liking trying to capture the wind. In reality, you are a part of your family, your town, your country, your earth, you are a part of everyone around you.
10. Wisdom is Avoiding all Thoughts that Weaken You….
Every single though you have can be assessed in terms of whether it strengthens or weakens you. In fact, there’s a simple muscle test you can do to try any thought that your having in the present moment. It works like this…Hold your arm out to your side, and have someone else attempt to push your arm down while you resist. Think of telling a lie, and notice how much weaker you are than if you think of a truth. This can be done for any thought that elicits an emotional reaction. Shame will make you the weakest. Therefore, importance of forgiving yourself cannot be stated enough! Next are guilt and apathy. They produce the emotions of blame and desire. No amount of guilt will ever undo what’s been done.
Every thought of anger, moves you away from love and into violence and vengeance, which are forces that spur counter-forces, weakening everyone involved.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Don’t convince yourself…that is can’t be done, or it’s easier said than done. You are the “creator and selector” of your thoughts. You can change them at will. No one can have control of your thoughts without your consent. So, choose to avoid thoughts that weaken you, and you will know True Wisdom.
____________________________________________________________________________
To avoid any conflicts with my upcoming vacation time and the May Newsletter. I will be sending it out a few days earlier this month. Looking forward to seeing you once again, in about three weeks. Until then, Many Blessings. May brings us to the start of a new series, within the universal principles talked about in Stephen R. Covey’s book, “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” Until now, we have only applied these to ourselves to build a solid foundation that aided and guided us to understanding whom, we truly were. So, we understand where we are and want to go. Again, I encourage you to have a copy of this book to use along with this news-letter. Principle of Interdependence - Interactions with others As we become independent--proactive, centered in correct principles, value driven and able to organize and execute around the priorities in our life with integrity--we then can choose to become interdependent--capable of building rich, enduring, highly productive relationships with other people. The Emotional Bank Account - We all know what a financial bank account is. We make deposits into it and build up a reserve from which we can make withdrawals when we need to. An Emotional Bank Account is a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that’s been built up in a relationship. It’s the feeling of safeness you have with another human being. There is “seven major deposits” that build the Emotional Bank Account: One - Really seeking to understand another person is probably one of the most important deposits you can make, and it is the key to every other deposit. You simply don’t know what constitutes a deposit to another person until you understand that individual. Two - The little kindnesses and courtesies are so important. Small discourtesies, little unkindnesses, little forms of disrespect make large withdrawals. In relationships, the little things, are actually the big things. Three - Keeping a commitment or a promise is a major deposit; breaking one is a major withdrawal. In fact, there’s probably not a more massive withdrawal than to make a promise that’s important to someone else and then not to come through. Four - It’s so important whenever you come into a new situation to get all the expectations out on the table. We create many negative situations by simply assuming that our expectations are self-evident, and that they are clearly understood and shared by other people. Five - Personal Integrity generates trust and is the basis of many different kinds of deposits. Integrity includes but goes beyond honesty. Honesty is telling the truth or, conforming our words to reality. Integrity is conforming reality to our words. Our actions and word are aligned with one another, whether someone is watching us or not. Six - When we make withdrawals from the Emotional bank Account, we need to apologize and we need to do it sincerely. It takes a great deal of character strength to apologize quickly out of one’s heart rather than out of pity. Seven - When we truly love others without conditions, without strings, we help them feel secure and safe and validated and affirmed in their essential worth, identity, and integrity. Their natural growth process is encouraged. We make it easier for them to live the laws of life -- cooperation, contribution, self-disciple, and integrity -- and to discover and live, true to the highest and best within themselves. Many Blessings, Carol
To avoid any conflicts with my upcoming vacation time and the May Newsletter. I will be sending it out a few days earlier this month. Looking forward to seeing you once again, in about three weeks. Until then, Many Blessings.
May brings us to the start of a new series, within the universal principles talked about in Stephen R. Covey’s book, “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” Until now, we have only applied these to ourselves to build a solid foundation that aided and guided us to understanding whom, we truly were. So, we understand where we are and want to go. Again, I encourage you to have a copy of this book to use along with this news-letter.
Principle of Interdependence
- Interactions with others
As we become independent--proactive, centered in correct principles, value driven and able to organize and execute around the priorities in our life with integrity--we then can choose to become interdependent--capable of building rich, enduring, highly productive relationships with other people.
The Emotional Bank Account - We all know what a financial bank account is. We make deposits into it and build up a reserve from which we can make withdrawals when we need to. An Emotional Bank Account is a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that’s been built up in a relationship. It’s the feeling of safeness you have with another human being.
There is “seven major deposits” that build the Emotional Bank Account:
One - Really seeking to understand another person is probably one of the most important deposits you can make, and it is the key to every other deposit. You simply don’t know what constitutes a deposit to another person until you understand that individual.
Two - The little kindnesses and courtesies are so important. Small discourtesies, little unkindnesses, little forms of disrespect make large withdrawals. In relationships, the little things, are actually the big things.
Three - Keeping a commitment or a promise is a major deposit; breaking one is a major withdrawal. In fact, there’s probably not a more massive withdrawal than to make a promise that’s important to someone else and then not to come through.
Four - It’s so important whenever you come into a new situation to get all the expectations out on the table. We create many negative situations by simply assuming that our expectations are self-evident, and that they are clearly understood and shared by other people.
Five - Personal Integrity generates trust and is the basis of many different kinds of deposits. Integrity includes but goes beyond honesty. Honesty is telling the truth or, conforming our words to reality. Integrity is conforming reality to our words. Our actions and word are aligned with one another, whether someone is watching us or not.
Six - When we make withdrawals from the Emotional bank Account, we need to apologize and we need to do it sincerely. It takes a great deal of character strength to apologize quickly out of one’s heart rather than out of pity.
Seven - When we truly love others without conditions, without strings, we help them feel secure and safe and validated and affirmed in their essential worth, identity, and integrity. Their natural growth process is encouraged. We make it easier for them to live the laws of life -- cooperation, contribution, self-disciple, and integrity -- and to discover and live, true to the highest and best within themselves.
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