Know Thy Self

When we are thinking about gaining balance in all the major areas of life. One of these areas that comes easily to mind, would be our own familes. This can be the source of great pleasure for some, and for others, perhaps an issue that they find more comfortable to try and avoid. Let's go ahead now and look at some of the general issues within the scope of family.

• A great question to start with would be, What and Who are important to you regarding your family? Answering this will let you understand where your current focus is and also, where it might be lacking.

We will start this section with Common Parenting Issues:

The Working vs. Non-Working Mothers

“A happy parent is a good parent.” Working or not working does not seem to effect the happiness or personal welfare of a child, at all. The only thing that does is the mood of the parent. Children personalize things, and when mom or dad are showing signs of discontentment…children, at any age, blame themselves.

With that said, it is truly in the “best interest of the child” to allow the mother to follow her heart. A mother’s intuition must be respected, as there is the reason for everything.

Also, mothers seem to “know on a very, deep level” if their child can excel better with them working or staying at home. Time and time again, this “feeling” has become realized in real life; when you hear a mother confess, “ I should have followed my gut with this” because the current environment proved to not work-out for their child.

• I am positive that everyone who gives a mother advice about "rather or not" to return to work, has her best interests at heart. But, this is really a decision that works best when a mother is allowed to follow her own intuition.

When we become parents, we are only focused on what is in the best interest for our child. When we respect this…only good things can happen.

Stay at home mothers:

• Your children will excel without having to worry about buying the “latest educational toy”, nothing still compares to good old` fashioned imagination, paper and color crayons.

                   -Money does not buy happiness for a child.

At-work mothers:

• Your child will learn at daycare, just as well as they would at home. Daycare systems have many educational programs throughout each day.

                   -Time, not more toys is happiness for your child. 

________________________________________________________________________________

Parenting

I believe that the best parents in the world “do not” have their children rise-up to their expectations, as parents. But, teach their children how to have expectations for themselves.

• Parents are “teachers” and to be able to teach “in the first place,” you have to understand your child. To understand your child means you have to be willing to look at things, through their eyes…not yours or your expectations.

The best parents in the world “teach with love and accountability,” not domination. That way, when your not around…you can trust that you have given them the enough tools and enough practice in your presence that they will “want to use them” and can cope and excel on their own.

Parenting is the “most important job” that we will ever have because how we do it, effects someone else for the rest of their life. Are we following, more myths or truths, in our beliefs as parents?

Covering the “Top 3 Parenting-Myths” and Unveiling the Facts

1. Because you “handled it” as a child, so can your son (or) daughter.

There is only, a 1 in16 chance, that your child will have your given temperament. Many well-meaning parents see their children through their own remembered experiences. (Remember saying: Well, when I was a child...) In reality, each person thinks and feels differently from the other.

This is why, in terms of effective parenting,  it is best to first understand your child, then seek to be understood.

The amount of tolerance that you show your child is the same amount of tolerance that they will show others whom are different than themselves.

2. Spare the Rod, spoil the child.

Many well-meaning parents use this term as their foundation for spanking. And, as a rule-of-thumb, it is best to always check the source for accuracy. The word Rod in Hebrew, denotes a scepter, the mark of authority. A Shepard held his scepter “staff” to signal, he was the leader. If he would spare his rod, he left his leadership role.

The second statement reinforces the first. A spoiled child leads the parents instead of the parents taking their natural role. This statement was aimed for parents to use Leadership in Parenting. Not, about the use of spanking.

3. Do as I say.

Many well-meaning parents use their words to guide their children. When, in reality, children learn through copying what they witness. This is where the term "Actions Speak Louder than Words" comes into use.

Morals, ethics and coping-skills are ingrained into the child's mind, by age 5 to 6. This is why the experts agree that the early years are the most important in child development.

What a child has leaned through copying will become a part of their life-long Subconscious. During any stress-related situations, the child's first response will come from the subconscious. ( The information taken in, on how their parents responded to the same situation.)

“When you want to support whatever that other person finds important. Not because you personally enjoy it also…But, because you enjoy that other person that much. It becomes nearly impossible to stay selfish.”

“When you see the person, and not, the expectations.”

“Love is the support, mercy, grace, and charity…given to another person. Based wholly on wanting to, because it cannot be helped…it comes naturally.”

What does love do for a relationship?

“It builds in safe place for trust, intimacy, and affection to grow.”

“When you come first and, the relationship comes second; more times than not.”

Sometimes…in the midst of an argument, we get so caught up with what…the other person is doing…that we forget to check ourselves. We find ourselves saying: you statements; name calling; and forgetting to even listen in the first place. The next thing we know…we have turned the other person into the bad guy. We become the innocent victim. We forget that we can fight healthy, and we can set an example. Let’s take a closer look at what fighting is, and also, how to do it healthy.

What is fighting really? And why do we do it?

Fighting’s goal is to have the other person agree with us (or) understand our view-point. It’s “the trying to pull the other, to our side” of the equation; idea; or solution. To have them agree with us.

• On the things that we truly find important, we have little room for an opposing opinion. Ours seems, to be the only view that matters.

Something to perhaps keep in mind…check what we find important (and then) ask the difficult questions.

1. Is this only from my point-of-view?
2. Is this for the common-good?
3. Will I only benefit from this?

If we are finding that the answers are only benefiting ourselves and our own agenda; we still have room to grow. It can be healthy to add more view-points to the mix.

1. Am I fighting to be right (or) for a solution?
2. Am I finger-pointing; using “you” statements?
3. Am I “only talking about the issue“: the behavior; the item; the action.
4. Am I “cutting-down” their character: who they are as a person?

Answering these questions truthfully and honestly, will help us to understand the health of our arguments.

A Healthy Argument

A healthy argument is about a common-good goal that is focused on respecting the personal-beliefs of the people involved.

It’s focus is on:

• A Behavior
• An Action
• Item, at hand
• Idea, at hand
• “ I ” only Statements: I feel confused; I am frustrated; I am concerned
• Listening…to gain understanding, of other view-point (or) feelings
• Mirror back statements, for clarity: When this was said, I got this…is that correct?
• Present time: no talk, of what happened, ten years ago. Stay in the moment.

This may help us, to understand that fighting is a normal part of life (and) can be done…in a healthy manner; without the worry of later guilt and possible resentment.