Welcome To Express Humor | Your First Place For Humor On the Web

The funny pages

Factual Humor

These are things derived (purportedly) from actual circumstances; things that really happened.

An assortment of funny and interesting anagrams.
Goofy headlines from 1998.
A nice story on how to practically blow yourself up with fireworks.
Silly (but intriguing) factsthat you don't need to know.
Another candidate for the "Darwin Awards." These guys should never have been allowed to purchase dynamite.
Top-notch military aircraft pilots and maintenance crews solve problems in interesting ways.
Some would-be nature lovers just don't understand how things in the big forest work. See their comments.
Some people are just not well suited to a life of crime. Read about some really dumb crooks.
Silly want-adsthat have purportedly appeared in real newspapers.
What some kids have to say about falling in love.
Quotes from famous politicians attempting to skirt the truth.
Newpaper editors are usually pretty good, but under pressure and when they're up past their bedtime they sometimes produce very funny headlines.
Despite our best intentions, especially at church, we occasionally make some funny mistakes. Like the newspaper headlines above, these are funny mistakes in church bulletins.
Disorder in the Court: Courtroom tranquips that are hilarious.
I am definitely not a "Generation X" person. I am a Child of the 80's!
Great excusespeople have given to their auto insurance companies about why they had an accident.
Dear Public Services...Actual letters to the public services administrations in some localities.
College students are familiar with end-of-the-semester course evaluations. Here are the best and worst commentsculled from a 1991 review at MIT.
Ever thought passing your drivers test was hard? It would be a lot harder if you gave answers like these!
Since I am recently married, I find this discussion of a woman's role in marriage particularly insightful.
Famous badquotes from famous people. They are mainly shortsighted bloopers by some very important people who would later eat their words.
Lots of foreign countries try to make us Americans feel at home. Here's a few attempts that didn't go so well. The lose something in translation.
In a similar vein to the bad translations, a New York magazine recently had a contest for people to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. The resultsare pretty funny.
You would think that any high school kid would be thrilled to get a letter from MIT, but not this one. Actually, the letter is rather snobby.
America is winning whichtechnology race? Not if you look at these students' answers on science tests.
Take some writing tips from college essays. These are the best and worst analogies used in college essays.
The World According to Student Bloopers
How notto remove a dead whalethat has washed up on a beach.
Physical reasons why there cannot be a Santa Claus.
Your ears deceive you. Some of those songs that really seemed to have strange lyrics don't. You just heard them wrong. Here's an even better collection of misheard lyrics, too.
I'm not the only funny guy from the UVA CS department here. Gabe Robinshas a funny quotes page. His quotes are funny and they're from real people. I've got a few silly quotes, too. Even better. I've got a bunch of quotes from Dan Quayle. At least these claim to be from him, anyway.
I have a James Brown Pagethat is mainly just samples of him.

Fictional Humor

These are either stories that pretend to be factual, or jokes that have no basis in fact whatsoever.

An Exploration of the Differences Between Men and Women.
Some silly puns and jokes.
Units of measurethat they didn't teach in school!
Is thinking ruining your life? You might be a problem thinker!
What are the physics of hell? Read and find out.
A mock report from Consumer Reportson how to find and evaluate a girlfriend.
Some of The Bible's great parables set in a graduate schoolmotif.
Disclaimer: I'm not calling the Bible fiction by including this in this category.
As we all know, geeks make great lovers. If you don't believe me, try reading A Gal's Guide to Geek Guys.
I'm sure you want to know how E-Mail is like a penis. This is not sexually explicit at all.
What do you think would happen if Dr. Seuss wrote a scriptfor Star Trek, The Next Generation?
Looking for self improvement? Here's a catalogue of coursesthat may interest you!
The new sport that is sweeping the nation: Bedroom Golf.
All your favorite philosophers (and some other famous people) answer the age-old question: why did the chicken cross the road?
In case you've forgotten what men are like, here are invaluable facts on mento have at your disposal.
College students in burger joints overheard around the nation.
For all your friendship needs, we're pleased to offer the Managed Caring Plan.
This claims to be true, but I bet 1994's Most Bizarre Suicideis from alt.folklore.urban.
Well, you're ready to graduate. Before we can let you out into the real world, however, you must first pass this Final Exam.
Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University
Cartoon Laws of Physics
Do you remember Schoolhouse Rock!from way back when? I do. I grew up on it. Here's most of their songs.
The Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hoodis only one of many funny versions of the children's fairy tale floating around. Eric W. Stinebringsent me a version written in a great mock German
Being a vegetarian, I just love Spam Haiku.

Science and Computer Related Humor

When computers are featured in movies and TV, the producers always follow special rules for depicting them.
A collection of jokesabout mathemeticians and other scientists.
A poem to celebrate PC spelling checkers.
Someday I hope to be the last hold outagains Microsoft.
Ever wonder what all the crazy terms mean in computer-talk? This glossary of computer termswill help you understand.
You never knew just how bad the metaphor "Information Superhighway"until you see it taken to it's logical conclusion.
The Devil and David Webster. A story about a world-class programmer and the Devil himself.
Some ways to tell if you're an engineer. Some of these are frighteningly accurate, others are just plain stupid.
OOG the caveman posts to USENET looking for help with his printer.
One of my absolute favorite computer poems:
A Grandchild's Guide to Using Grandpa's Computerby Gene Ziegler.
Unfortunately, several imitations and "improvements" are floating around the 'net. For those who have seen, or perhaps even passed on the bogus versions, Gene has penned Hang the Information HighwaymanBoth of these come, with permission, directly from the original author.
For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time: Microsoft Child for Windows.
If Operating Systems Ran Your Airline...
In a similar vein, what if Operating Systems were Beers?
Star Trek Meets MS Windows!
Real Programmers ...Think you're a real programmer? Read this and find out.
What if buying computers was like buying a car?
What is the difference between how an EE and a CS person would design a toaster?
Read about it in The King and the Toaster.
There are a number of ways to shoot yourself in the foot, depending on which programming language you're in.
Stupid Unix Tricks. This is old. Some Unixes probably don't behave this way any more.
List of Unusual Computer Viruses
Some taglinesfor your .signature file.
"Hello, this is Technical Support from Hell, how may I help you?"
Think you can write obfuscated C code? Hah! Try this oneon for size. I won't tell you the output from it. You'll have to compile and run it in order to see what it does. Want more? There is an official ftp site for The Obfuscated C Code Contest. It's strictly text-oriented, so here is a HTML version of their READMEfile. Thanks to Jeff Chowfor sending me the URL.
The Top 10 Signs Your Child is a Hacker.
What the world would be like if operating systems drove you to the store.

Lists of Stuff

These are lists of stuff. Sometimes they're lists on a theme, top 10 lists, and so on.

In a style reminiscent of Dilbert, we present The Inevitable Laws of Work.I bet your office is just like this.
An anonymous mother in Texas tells us 21 reasons not to have kids! This is good
Are you a northern person transplanted into the South? Here are some rules to help Northerners adjust to the South.
So, just how many students from various Virginia universities does it take to change a light bulb?
Better not go talking around the office without learning the latest lingo.
More clues about how we speak. This time we explain all those phrases we use in pubs.
Some not-so-good state mottos. Some of these are just a little too accurate.
Now you can decipher what a professor really meanswhen they review your work.
Some bad movie conceptsto look out for this summer.
Country songs are known for their creative titles and lyrics. Here is a list of quite a few.
A list of some Barbies we'd like to see. Well, these are Barbies someonewould like to see, not necessarily me.
Suppose advertisers were applying their slogans to penises. You'd find a lot of funny penis slogans like these.
A bunch of fun things to do in a traffic jam.
Some Top Lists of Lies Told in Graduate Schooland other ways you can tell that you're in Graduate School.
A funny list of rather far-fetched excuses for missing a day of work? If you like this sort of stuff, Ted Terrebonne (madtbone@home.com) runs the Mother of All Excuses Placeand has an email mailing list dedicated to excuses.
50 Great Things to Do in an Elevator.
I was recently told that some of this was read out on a public radio station in North Carolina. What fun! A veritable multimedia cornucopia, if I do say so myself.
105 Ways to Drive Your Roomate Crazy.
19 Ways to Be Offensive at a Wedding.
19 Ways to Be Offensive at a Funeral.
Peter Ramosrecently wrote me to tell me that he has a (garishly decorated) list of top 10 lies told on a university campus. I'm sure there are more than 10 told regularly.
Why Ask Why?A series of Oxymorons. Some of these are certainly jokes told by Steven Wright. Others are just in his style.

Pentium Jokes

Some Q & As about Intel's Pentium FDIV Bug.
The Top Ten New Slogansfor Intel's Pentium
The Top Ten Reasonsto buy a Pentium.
Pentium FDIV Bug Blamed For Many Errors. Story on page A1.