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Chuck Norris Facts

NOTE: The jokes are below the bio.

The most awesome (clean) Chuck Norris Facts. Diid you know:

When you think of Chuck Norris, you either immediately think action movie star (recalling his numerous feature films) or television star, for his long-running CBS television series, "Walker, Texas Ranger."

But prior to that, Chuck was a martial arts star, winning many martial arts championships including being a six-time undefeated World Professional MiddleWeight Karate Champion. Chuck was also a renowned teacher in the martial arts. Some of his students were Steve McQueen, Bob Barker, Priscilla Presley and Donnie & Marie Osmond.

From 1964 to 1968, Chuck won many State, National, and International amateur karate titles. In 1968, Chuck fought and won the World Professional MiddleWeight Karate championships by defeating the World's Top Fighters. He held that title until 1974 when he retired undefeated.

In 1968, Chuck was inducted into the Black Belt Hall of Fame as Fighter of the Year. In 1975, he was inducted as Instructor of the Year and in 1977, Chuck received the honor of Man of the Year.

Chuck is also founder and President of United Fighting Arts Federation with over 2,300 black belts all over the world.

In 1997, Chuck achieved another milestone in his life by being the first man ever in the Western Hemisphere to be awarded an 8th degree Black Belt Grand Master recognition in the Tae Kwon Do system. This was a first in 4,500 years of tradition.

Chuck's intense drive and determination extended beyond his martial arts and acting career. He became an offshore powerboat racer with speeds of 140 miles per hour. In 1991, Chuck with his team and sponsor "Popeye Chicken" won the World Off Shore Powerboat championships. Then he went on to setting a new world record by racing a 38 foot Scarab boat 605 miles across the Great Lakes, from Chicago to Detroit, in 12 hours and 8 minutes.

In 1988, Chuck wrote his autobiography, "The Secret of Inner Strength", for Little Brown Publishing, which became a New York Times Best Seller. He followed up a few years later with a second book, "The Secret Power Within: Zen Solutions to Real Problems", also with Little Brown Publishing.

Chuck was asked how he would like to be remembered. Chuck's answer was as a Humanitarian. He has gotten a good start by:

1.) Being the spokesperson for United Way, doing an eight-minute commercial, which helped bring in over two billion dollars.

2.) Veterans Administration spokesperson visiting over 12 V.A. hospitals and speaking with World War II, Korean and Vietnam War Veterans including one from World War I.

3.) Winning the 1998 Epiphany award on Walker, Texas Ranger for the best Christian program.

4.) The Jewish Humanitarian Man of the Year Award.

5.) Actively involved with the Make A Wish Foundation for 20 years by making dreams come true for terminally ill children.

6.) BMI Music Television Award for Walker, Texas Ranger theme song, "Eyes of a Ranger".

7.) Texas Ranger Hall of Fame.

8.) Commissioned Police Officer for Terrell, Texas.

9.) Motivational speaker for many Christian ministries, such as T.D. Jakes Ministry, Trinity Broadcasting, and Bill Glass Crusade.

But Chuck thinks his most rewarding accomplishment was the creation of his Kick-Start Foundation. With the help of President George Bush, Chuck implemented a program teaching the martial arts to 150 high-risk children at M C Williams Middle School in Houston, Texas, as part of the school curriculum. The program was so successful in helping these kids raise their self-esteem and instilling discipline and respect, as well as getting them out of gangs, that the program is now in 30 schools with over 4,200 young boys and girls actively participating

CHUCK NORRIS JOKES START HERE:


Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris can steal first base.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

When Chuck Norris is put in a straight jacket to be contained, he doesn't go insane, the jacket does. NOBODY tries to contain Chuck Norris.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas when he goes to sleep.

Chuck Norris does not need to use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford changes its actual spelling.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can beat the Sun in a staring contest.

Chuck Noris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life there.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take crap from anybody.

Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.

Chuck Norris CAN eat just one Lay's potato chip.

A roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Noris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

Once, Martin Luther King Jr. beat Chuck Norris in tic-tac-to. In  retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris is actually Jeeves from AskJeeves.com.

Chuck Norris invented the beard.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors other people get hurt.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack, the heart lost.

A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it effects the economy.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.

Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.

Chuck Noris can rhyme orange and purple... with each other!

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris doesn't jack off, he Chucks it.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Texas does not have a police force. They have Chuck Norris.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

You are what you eat. Chuck Noris eats steel.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Chuck Norris doesn't eat breakfast, he forces it into submission.

What is the quickest way to mans heart? Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Most people put their pants on one leg at a time, Chuck Norris does both legs at once.

There are actually 8 wonders of the world. Chuck Norris counts for 4 of them.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the SOUL.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

Chuck Noris believes it's not butter.

Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer

Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands

Chuck Norris let the dogs out

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

What came first, the chicken or the egg? Chuck Norris.

"Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris's cowboy boots are made of real cowboys

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.

Guns kill 12 people a day. chuck noris kills 20.

When Chuck Norris goes hunting he shoots himself in the leg to give the bear a head start.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

The only thing better than Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris on TV, talking about Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycle Bin.

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Chuck Norris doesn't get the belt, the belt get Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

When Chuck Norris goes swimming he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norrised.

Chuck Norris once went back in time to fight Chuck Norris. He won.

What was going through the minds of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

The bermuda triangle is a myth. That's just were Chuck Norris practices his round house kicks.

The Titanic didn't sink by hitting an iceberg, it really hit Chuck Norris' chin as he was making his usual laps around the North Atlantic.

When Chuck Norris talks to a Russian He doesn't speak Russian. The Russian, speaks Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his rage

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting because it implies the possibility of failure Chuck Norris goes killing.

When you are Chuck Norris every light claps on and off.

Crop circles are just Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn just needs to lay down.

It only takes chuck Norris 1 lick to get to the center of a tootsie pop

If you have five dollars, and Chuck Norris has five dollars...Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Chuck Norris is not in your extended network, you are in his

Brokeback Mountain is not the name of a movie, it is the pile of dead ninjas in Chuck Norris' backyard

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he stands outside and dares it to grow.

When Bruce Willis gets mad, he turns into The Incredible Hulk. When The Incredible Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris knows the last two digits of Pi

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris can edit PDF files

Chuck Norris rips CDs with his hands

Chuck Norris can download Metallica mp3s using Napster

Chuck Norris has a yahoo account with hotmail

Chuck Norris has an Intel CPU on an AMD motherboard

Chuck Norris has to chain his mouse to his desktop

Chuck Norris can program a MAC with excel macros

Chuck Norris website has never had a hit - Nobody hits Chuck Norris’ website

Chuck Norris invented C++ after roundhouse kicking C - TWICE

Chuck Norris is the Domain controller

Chuck Norris has the IP 0.0.0.0

Chuck Norris is mailer-daemon

Chuck Norris is Dr Watson

Chuck Norris monitor has no glare… no-one glares at Chuck Norris

format c: is the request to have Chuck Norris come roundhouse kick your PC

Chuck Norris has Windows XP on his Apple MAC

Chuck Norris never gets the page cannot be displayed error

Machine code is another name for Chuck Norris language

Chuck Norris CPU doesn’t have a fan

Chuck Norris can write DVDs on floppy drive

Chuck Norris invented the internet

Chuck Norris can paste pics in Notepad

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his 14400k modem & that’s how we got ADSL

Chuck Norris’s Dot matrix printer prints photos - in colour

Chuck Norris uses Notepad for a database

Chuck Norris’ PC speaker gives him 7.1 DTS surround sound

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his body, because hair does not grow on steel.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

When you say “no one’s perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

Google no longer runs searches on Chuck Norris
You dont find chuck norris,
Chuck Norris finds you!

Chuck Norris writes half of the jokes on this site, he likes his fans to be informed

Chuck Norris didn't wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris doesn't step away from the vehicle. The vehicle steps away from Chuck Norris.

A blind man bumped into Chuck Norris. The simple act of touching him
cured the man's blindness, unfortunately the first and last thing the
man saw was a fatal roundhouse kick to the face by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris isn't afraid of the dark; the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' beard is barbed wire soaked in ox blood and held together by the souls of mortals.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, he decides what time it is.

There was only one man ever to outsmart Chuck Norris, Steven Hawking, he got what he deserved.

Although it is not common knowledge, there three sides of the force, the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it
notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed
in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing
around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his
own head.

A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon.

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany. 

Chuck Norris' facial hair is known to cut diamonds.

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Once upon a time there was a magical kingdom. Then Chuck Norris came, and it wasnt so magical.

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

When Chuck Norris speaks, everyone listens... and dies

Chuck Norris wrote every single edition of the Choose Your Own Adventure books. He wrote them all under pennames to hide the fact that they are autobiographical.

Chuck Norris prefers Mr. Pibb to Dr. Pepper. When asked why, he responded, "I don't trust doctors." He proceeded to shot laser beams out of his eyes and ate the hearts of everyone in the room.

Chuck Norris is actually Jeeves from AskJeeves.com

Rather that being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way from his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

The orginal them song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris-more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up truck. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris has every single copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

In 1945, Adolf Hitler was really kicked to death by a five year old Chuck Norris.

Mr. Clean is really Chuck Norris with a shaved head and an ear-ring.

Chuck Norris also played the Black guy in Walker Texas Ranger.

Chuck Norris found a portal to Hell where he repeatedly gave the Devil a round house kick to the face.

Chuck Norris invented american flag pants.

In the 80's it was discovered that President Reagan had an inoperable growth on his brain. Rather than letting him die, they shrunk Chuck Norris and injected him into President Reagan. There, he fought the tumor and defeated it with a round house kick to the face. The tumor died and Chuck Norris safely exited Ronald Regan's body. Chuck Norris then had Reagan's tumor mounted on his wall next to the elephant that he killed with his bare hands and the dinosaur he shot on his hunting expedition to the Jurassic Period.

Chuck Norris has no use for books since he has a little computer that just downloads information into his brain. He likes to think Charles Dickens' stories while he works out.

During the 1970's he taught The Price is Right host Bob Barker karate.(True)

Chuck Norris saw evil, spoke evil, and heard evil. Then he gave evil a sharp roundhouse kick to the head.

Chuck Norris diabolically invented Vin Diesel in an effort to help win WWII.

Chuck Norris commands all five lions of Voltron simultaneously.

Chuck Norris is actually just Bob Saget in his invincible mech suit.

Chuck Norris has covered his entire house in tinfoil to prevent Steven Seagal and Vin Diesel from collectively applying the force-choke to him. When applying the tinfoil, he inadvertantly applied it shiny-side down, thus effectively drawing heat from teh sun into his house. The resulting oven-like enclosure actually damaged his skin and deadened his nerve-endings, giving him his freakish ability to withstand pain.

Chuck Norris is a mammal. Chuck Norris fights ALL the time. The purpose of Chuck Norris is to flip out and roundhouse kick people.

  • There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
  • Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe,
    with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth
    ingredient: Fear.
  • The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
  • Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.  
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris
    once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle
    was six feet tall and had learned karate.
  • Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
  • If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named like Chucktober
  • Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
  • Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
  • Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
  • Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
  • There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
  • Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
  • Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
  • Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  • In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.

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~DarthNerd