Save the Earth, it's the only planet with Chocolate No, I don't have PMS. I just really hate you. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it's gone I didn't ask to be a princess but if the crown fits... I brake for scholars, priests, and no apparent reason Stupidity is not a crime so you’re free to go Watch out for the idiot behind me! I break for........................OH SHIT NO BRAKES He who laughs last thinks slowest. Low riders are for little boys who can't get it up. Wanna get laid? Crawl up a chicken's ass and wait! If you're rich, I’m single! I wasn't born a bitch; men like you made me that way. A day without sunshine is like, night. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets AMERICA-Love It Or Leave It! Another brilliant mind ruined by higher education. Are you following Jesus this close? Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free. Ax Me About Ebonics BARBIE AIN'T HERE!. Be Human. Be Nice To Your Kids; They’ll Pick Out Your Nursing Home. Beam me up Jesus. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused. Blow your nose, your horn works fine. Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death. Boy bands. The spawn of Satan. Buy American! Change Is Inevitable, Except From A Vending Machine Clean up America. Kill a redneck! Constipated People Don't Give A Shit. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! Could You Drive Any Better If I Shoved That Cell Phone Up Your Ass? DARE to keep cops off doughnuts. Death is life's way of telling you you're fired. Do unto others before they do unto you. Doctor's say I have a multiple personality, but we don't agree with that. Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway. DRIVE IT LIKE YOU STOLE IT! Drop Dead Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway Elvis Is Dead And I’m Not Feeling Too Good Myself Energizer Bunny Arrested; Charged With Battery Everytime you speak you make someone dumber for listening to you. F U Cn Rd Ths U Cnt Spl Wrth A Dm! Few women admit their age, few men act it. First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, and then the suffering... LORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive. Follow your dreams, except the one where you’re at school in your underwear. For a small town, this one sure has a lot of assholes! Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal! Give blood and you too can get a free bumper sticker. Go Braless! It will pull the wrinkles from your face. Happiness is Clinton's face on a milk carton. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!!! Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends. Hey idiot- You're driving a car, not a phone booth Hey man, you live in America now... speak Spanish! High beams were made to piss people off! Honk If Anything Falls Off Honk If You Want To See My Finger Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger. How's my driving? Dial 1-800-YOU-SUCK Huked on foniks werkd fer me Humpty-Dumpty was pushed! I admire gay men, they leave more women for me! I am overjoyed with whelm! I can go from zero to bitch in 2.2 seconds. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To I gave up drugs, sex and booze...it was the worst 20 minutes of my life. I have PMS and a handgun. Any Questions?? I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha I hear you lost your cat? Check under my tire. I just filled up my car with gasoline. Now it's worth $50.00 I love animals. I eat them and wear their skins. I love my country but fear my government. I love uranus. I Must Be A Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure... I'd rather be fishing! If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving ain't for you. I'm not as think as you drunk I am. In theory, everything works. Instead of concentrating on this bumper sticker, maybe you should be concentrating on the road! IRS: We’ve Got What It Takes To Take What You’ve Got. Judge me all u want. Just keep the verdict to yourself! Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. Kids in the backseat cause accidents.... accidents in the backseat cause kids. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. Learn from your parent's mistakes use birth control! Life. Its just a cereal Life's a beach, and then you drown. Listen to the silence!! Live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse behind. Look before you open your eyes. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Men are proof that women have a sense of humor. My boss is like a diaper, full of shit and always on my ass! My child beat up your honor student! My child sold your HONOR STUDENT the answers to the test. Never judge a girl by her bumper sticker. No soup for you.. Not a RULES type of girl. Nothing is illegal until you get caught. Now That You Are Kissing My Bumper... Wanna Get Married?!?!?! Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Please don't hit me I'm a pedestrian trapped in a car. Practice safe government. Use kingdoms. Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. Save the planet recycle an environmentalist. Screw you guys, I'm going home! So many cats.... So little time. Some People Are Alive Only Because It’s Illegal To Kill Them Squirrel...it's what's for dinner. Stop Reading My Bumper Stickers and DRIVE!! Stupid is as stupid does. Super Bowl is french for...sitting on your ass and getting fat. Take me drunk I' m home. Talk only if you can improve on the silence. Tennis players have fuzzy balls. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG it Happened. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. The good thing about small cars is that you can fit twice as many into a traffic jam. The Lord made us all different... Democrats want to make us all the same! The number of people staring at you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions. The sky is always bluer at the top of the windshield. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't There are only two things in life you can count on: Death and Taxes. They told me I was gullible... and I believed them. This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron. This car is protected by an anti-theft sticker! Time flies when you don't know what you're doing. Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students. To be old and wise you must first be young and stupid. Too many freaks, not enough circus's! Vegetarian: Indian word for BAD HUNTER! WARNING: DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR. Was today really necessary? WATCH OUT! COMING THROUGH! We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"? Welcome to California. Now go home! Welcome to reality...come again soon. Well, isn't that special! What if the Hokey Pokey really is what its all about? What If There Were No Hypothetical Questions? When all else fails, lower your standards. When blondes have more fun, do they know it? When I die bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ass. When i want your opinion i'll beat it out of you. When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. When life is bad...keep your head up, that way you don't see all the shit you've stepped in. When The Chips Are Down, The Buffalo Is Empty When there's a will, I want to be in it! Where in the nursery rhyme does say that Humpty Dumpty is an egg? Who are these kids and why are they calling me MOM? Who's Your Daddy? Why am I so thirsty when I drank so much last night? Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible? Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Women are born leaders, LOOK you are following one now! Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. Work is for people who don't know how to fish. Though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest son of a bitch in the valley. Yesterday I knew nothing today I know that. You Are Depriving Some Village Of Its Idiot You are driving to close I can see your bald spot. You can't be late until you show up. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. You have to be really secure to be seen in this car. You know your getting older when Happy Hour is a nap. You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Only Speak To Me Your Child May Be An Honor Student, But You’re Still An Asshole
Amazing Discovery!!!!
Sports for Men........
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
Things To Do W/ Floppy Disks
At a restaurant, shove one under a wobbling table leg.
Christmas ornaments (the more the merrier).
Give them to young children play with.
Room dividers for hamsters.
Drink coasters.
Ice scraper.
Bathroom tile.
Air hockey puck.
Dog chew toy.
Pooper scooper.
Grill scraper.
Destroy them - smash, burn, or run over to relieve stress.
Light switch cover.
Chinese throwing stars.
Halloween treat.
Firewood.
Paper weights.
Incense burners (put stick in hole of disk hub and light the incense).
Put them on car windshields at the mall.
Hand them out as party favors.
House insulation.
Grind them up to make fake snow.
Hood ornament.
Give them as stocking stuffers.
Use them as elbow and knee pads.
Use them to decorate your aquarium and create Comp USA underwater.
Baby mobile. Fence (may need a few thousand).
Newspaper Headlines
Newspaper Headlines
1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
11. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
16. War Dims Hope for Peace
17. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
21. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
22. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
23. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
24. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead .
Actual Signs in the World
A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands. At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment. At
A Laundry Shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at
no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be
satisfactory? At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner. At a number of US military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel. At a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak. At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container. At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout. At a Towing Company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows. At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition. At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents? At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place. At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be. At
the entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to young ladies: If
you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight
clothes, beware of the machinist. Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs. Car Lot: The best way to get on your feet....Miss a car payment. Church sign: To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith lifted. Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: Hello. May we pick your nose? English Sign in German Cafe: Mothers, Please Wash Your Hands Before Eating. Gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear! In a Beauty Shop: Dye now! In a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want. In a cleaner’s window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of. In a counselors office: Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional. In a dentist office: Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you. In a department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs. In a dry cleaner's emporium: Drop your pants here. In a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of. In a farmer’s field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but be aware that the bull charges. In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed. In a health food shop window: Closed due to illness. In a hotel during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is day care on the first floor. In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out. In a Los Angeles clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks. In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday. In a Maine restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends. In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager. In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action. In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves. In a Podiatrist's window: Time wounds all heels. In a restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up. In a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour! In a Texas funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan. In a toilet: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below. In a veterinarian’s waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! In an office building washroom: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below. In an office: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board. In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken. In downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel - NO END In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car. In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We’ll wait. In the offices of a New Jersey loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home. In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished. In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work. In the window of an Oregon general store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here? Inside a bowling alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop. Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on Labor Day. Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons. Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges. On a butcher's window: Let me meat your needs. On
a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door.
(This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side
entrance) On a desk in a reception room: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left. On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs. On a fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive. On a local plumbing company's trucks in NE Pennsylvania: Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber. On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship. On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push. On a Music Teacher's door: Out Chopin. On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church On a plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed. On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard — bell out of order.) On a restaurant: Try our fish just for the halibut. On a roller coaster: Watch your head. On a Scientist's door: Gone Fission On a taxidermist's window: We really know our stuff. On a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable. On an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts. On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store: Thirty-eight years on the same spot. On an United Airlines emergency exit row instruction card: If you cannot read this card... On another Butcher's window: Pleased to meat you. On the door of a Computer Store: Out for a quick byte. On the door of a Music Library: Bach in a min-u-et. On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut: No trespassing without permission. On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant: Blackened bluefish On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. - Sisters of Mercy Outside a country shop in West Virginia: We buy junk and sell antiques. Outside a disco: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome. Outside a farm: Horse manure, pre-packed bags, $10. Or, do-it-yourself, $1. Outside a Hotel: Help! We need inn-experienced people. Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We heard you coming. Outside a photographer’s studio: Out to lunch; if not back by five, out for dinner. Outside a radiator repair shop: Best place in town to take a leak. Outside
a second-hand store: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines
etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain. Pizza shop slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one Weak. Plumber: We repair what your husband Fixed. Quicksand warning: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council. Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor. Sign at the psychic's Hotline: Don't call us, we'll call you. This was seen on a car being towed by a large motor home: I go where I'm towed to. Trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: Don't sleep with a drip call your plumber. .
Famous Last Words
Noo these windows are ok to lean on. Don’t worry it has airbags. Hey what’s that buzzing noise?
Don’t worry its not that deep. One time at band camp. No, he doesn’t bite?. Hey look a light at the end of the tunnel. I can pass this guy. My brakes are fine. Nice doggy. I think it's trying to communicate... "Homicidal Tendencies"? Hey, you're Eminem, aren't you?
"Na, I don't think we need to go to the hospital."a "It's a dud! It's a dud! It's a du...". "Don't touch the red button!" Gee, that's a cute tattoo. It's fireproof. What does this button do? So, you're a cannibal. Are you sure the power is off? Pull the pin and count to what?
Which wire was I supposed to cut? I wonder where the mother bear is. I've seen this done on TV. These are the good kind of mushrooms. . I'll hold it and you light the fuse. You look just like Charles Manson Let it down slowly. OK, I'll go ahead and make your day. This doesn't taste right. I can make this light before it changes I can do that with my eyes closed look ma! no hands! Hey that's not a violin. Don't be so superstitious.
Now watch this.
"Yoko, why don't *you* try tosing one?" "Took your parking space??? well at least *I* didn't murder my wife and an innocent waiter!" "Gotti, Schmotti -- Get the Hell off my lawn!" Don't worry, I'm sure it's dead by now. Let's split up, we'll cover more ground. I dunno, press the button and find out.
Hello, is anyone home? Oops. Don't worry, it's not contagious. Awright, let's see, how do we work this thing? Trust me, I know what I'm doing. He can't hear us, he's miles away
I'll be right back. I'm sure this isn't the poisonous kind. Don't worry, we outnumber them. Hey, what the hell??!
Hey, what's that beeping sound? I'm sure it's just the wind. Of course it's safe! No, this tribe is peaceful
Life's Thoughts and Questions
When
people say, "I’m so tired it's not even funny" or "my head hurts so
much it's not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first
place? Do stairs go up or down? Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it? Do coffins have lifetime guarantees? Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up? If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to change
their name to Knockers? If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit? Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them? Can you make a candle out of your earwax? When French people swear do they say pardon my English? Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first? If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later? Can a fire truck park in the fire lane? Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time? "Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute? Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time? Are marbles made of marble? Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup? If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived) Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"? Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"? Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup? Can you get cornered in a round room? Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there? Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends? If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible? Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet? In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she? How
come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically
always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone? Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat? Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse? Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate? Why
are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular
television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable? "Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?" Isn't
it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning
'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’? Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear?? Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom? Can mute people burp? What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn? Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with? How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play? If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware? If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold? Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside? Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable? Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars? Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue? Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin? Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back? Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind? Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown? Why can't you get a tan on your palms? If
your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel
school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June? Why do dogs sniff other dog’s bottoms to say hello, why don’t they just bark in their face or something? Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been free? If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it? You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to people that work nights? Why
do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the
doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore
NOT blocking the exit? Why is it when some products you have to
turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do
not turn upside down? Why is a square meal served on round plates? Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1? Which way does a compass point in space? Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked? Why do all superheroes wear spandex? If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes? Why did Mary own a little lamb? If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money? Why can’t a baby cry while it’s inside its mother? If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man? If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I wish you would not grant me this wish" what would you do? Why are Pringles curved? What happens if your snot freezes in your nose? Why aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are? If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops? Why is it that its good to score under par in golf but its bad to be “under par” in any thing else? Is Jerry Garcia grateful to be dead? Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it? Can bald men get lice?? How come popcorn isn't a vegetable? Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene? Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them? Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters? Why is snow white and ice clear? Aren't they just different forms of water? Why do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps? If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license? How
come you pay an extra 25 cents to get something put on your hamburger
but they don't take off the price if you get something taken off? Can you get cornered in a round room? Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there? Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends? If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible? Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet? In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she? "How
come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically
always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and
brimstone?" Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat? If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn’t you be able to go anywhere you want? If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable? What would happen if you were to feed a pig some bacon? If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future? Do pyromaniacs wear blazers? If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? How come only car keys are the only keys with teeth on both sides? Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? Why is it the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one day of Christmas? When something's funny why is it called a "knee-slapper" when you actually slap your thigh? Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs yet the mom weighs 30 lbs more? Since a running back runs forward, why is he called a running back? If you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off? Is sign language the same in languages other than English? Why is "number" abbreviated as "no"? When there is no "o" in number? Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn't be more fun to eat a big one? Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work? Why
do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them
read about wars in school that solved America's problems? Who gets to keep the pennies in a wishing well? If you went back in time and killed your mother would you disappear the moment you killed her? If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? Why is Donkey Kong called "DONKEY" Kong if he's a monkey? If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Do the air bubbles that are created when you fart in water, smell when they pop? When a boy is named after his dad, he is called 'Junior,' but what do you call a girl that is named after her mother? Just what was the "Baby On Board" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to hit in case of an accident? Does Hawaiian Punch come from Hawaii? If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch? Can you cry under water? If all of the Acme stuff doesn't work, why does Wile Coyote keep buying their products? 364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that ? Why is it when we laugh in school the teachers say do you find something funny? When obviously we do? Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going too ? Why do people call it an ATM machine, but they know it's really saying Automated Teller Machine Machine? Why do people say PIN number when that truly means Personal Identification Number Number? Why is Christmas colors red and green when Santa's suit is red and white? Why do you DELETE something on the computer, but ERASE something on paper? Since there is a rule that states "i" before "e" except after "c", wouldn't "science" be spelled wrong? If the S.W.A.T team comes to your house and breaks down your door, do they replace it later? If the handicapped bathrooms are for people who cant walk why do they put them at the end of the bathrooms ? Why is it that on the back of a medicine bottle it says "adult" is 12 and above, but the adult age in reality is 18? Why do most people put more effort into their wedding than their actual marriage? Why do dogs walk around in circles before lying down? Can a metal plate in your head get rusted? Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves? If the day before a holiday is called Christmas Eve, is the day after Christmas Adam? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? How come you can kill a deer and put it on your wall but it's illegal to keep them as a pet? What do vegetarians feed their dogs? Can someone give up lent for lent? Why would Dodge make a car called Ram? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? Why is it when we duck they call us chicken? Why is there a size 12-14, 14-16, 16-18, and so forth, but no 13, 15, and 17? What did cured ham actually have? If CD’s were spun in the opposite direction, would it say everything backwards? If lava melts rock, wouldn’t the lava melt the volcano? If a man has no fingers, can he press charges? Can a blind man see his future? Are children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day? Can you write in pencil on an eraser? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why
is it that when we are humming and then we plug our nose, our humming
stops? Do people really hum through their nose, or their mouths? Can you blow a balloon up under water? Can crop circles be square? How do they get the air inside the bubble wrap? Why are there black lines on a basketball? Does it really count in court when an atheist is sworn in under oath using a Bible? Why are there pictures of the sun wearing sunglasses when the purpose of sunglasses is to protect your eyes from the sun? If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st – January 1st, which year would you say you were born in? If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out? Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? When a car is for sale and it has a balloon on it, does the balloon come with it? If
you are parking somewhere and the signs in front of the parked cars say
"30 minutes" then when your 30 minutes are up can you park in the spot
right next to you?? Why isn't the word 'gullible' in the dictionary? When you see the weather report and it says "partly cloudy" and then the next day it says "partly sunny"; what’s the difference? Can a person choke and die on a life savor? Why are women and men's shoe sizes different? What happens when you say “hi” to your friend on an airplane who's name is Jack? If
you took a compass to outer space would it still point "magnetic
north"? Is there still a north, south, east, and west in space? Why is it illegal to put money in other people's parking meters? Do people with big eyes see at a wider range than people with smaller eyes? Do you ever notice those red balls on the wires while your driving? Well what are they for? Why do people who don’t want to go to hell bury themselves 6 ft. closer? Why is the St. Louis baseball team the cardinals, but the Missouri state bird is the blue bird? Why are public toilet seats never complete ovals? If we had a president that was a woman, would her husband be the first man? Why do we have to wait till the water starts boiling before we can put pasta into the water? If a criminal turns himself in shouldn't he get the reward money? Why are blue Christmas lights so popular? Aren't red and green the traditional colors? Why do police officers wear tight clothes and dressy shoes? wouldn't that make them slower when chasing someone? If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? Why do birds bob their heads when they walk? Why is it when we ask for the check in a restaurant they bring us a bill? How come wine and hard liquor doesn't come in cans, but beer does? When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die? If
people say if you eat dessert before dinner it will ruin your appetite
won’t eating dinner before dessert ruin your appetite for dessert? Why do they call him a Skipper when he just stands there? Why does "lake" come first (Lake Michigan) and "river" come second (Mississippi River)? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? If I raise the volume on my radio, does it use more electricity? What would happen if: Everyone was to flush their toilet at the same time? Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on? If
you died on the International Dateline, and half of you were on 1 side
and the other half on the other side, what day would you die? If someone crashes his or her car on purpose, why is it still a car accident? If people with one arm go to get their nails done, do they pay half price? If the weather man says "it's a 50% chance of rain" does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not? If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you? If Sunday is the holy day of rest why do we have to get up early for church? When
you snap your fingers, does the sound occur when your middle finger
releases from your thumb, or when your middle finger hits the palm of
your hand? Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV? Can't anybody
who has a job go in the "employees only" doors at restaurants?
Shouldn’t they be more specific and say "employees of this place only"? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? What is the parking situation like at the Special Olympics? If
the police see some one committing a crime but are on there way to
investigate a crime do they stop or go to the one they were on their
way to? Seeing as cupid is so good at matchmaking, does he have a girlfriend? Is an alcoholic just a drunk that's scared of a hangover? If shampoo comes in so many colors, why is the lather on your head always white? If a table is propped up can it be propped down? If
our planet is inhabited with creatures made by God...is it possible
that there's another planet inhabited with creatures made by the Devil? Why do they put Canadian bacon on Hawaiian Pizza? How
come, in the Mini Wheat’s commercials, Sweets has a Brooklyn accent and
Wheat’s has an English accent? They're attached at the back, wouldn't
they have been raised in the same place? Why do people, such as
S.W.A.T or Seals wear the bulletproof vests where you can see them?
Wouldn’t people aim for their head or crotch? If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research? Can you fart and burp at the same time? How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America? Have you ever heard of a raisin that is not dry? If two identical twin brothers married identical twin sisters, would there kids be identical? If your glove is too big, does it still fit like a glove? Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs? Since you have to pull over when you see a funeral coming down the road...what would you do if there were a funeral coming down both sides? If you can test drive cars at the dealer's, why not test-drive lawnmowers around at a hardware store? Is there anything easier done than said? Is it possible for a narcoleptic to have insomnia? Since the U.S. says United We Stand, does that offend legless people? If no one buys a ticket to a movie, does the movie still play? Are you able to fart in heaven? Why isn't sour cream really sour? Do they re-use body bags? Or do they throw them away and get new ones? The people using them wouldn’t care anyway? Why isn’t the Q or the Z included on the phone Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway? If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? Do ducks sneeze? Why is that when fish die in water, they float to the top, but when humans die in water, they sink to the bottom? Don’t you find it weird we teach our kids: scrub a dub dub, three men in a tub? Why do they call it "morning sickness" in the middle of the afternoon? Did you know there is a page 666 in The Bible? If money is the root of all evil then how come churches ask for it? Can vampires donate blood? If a fire truck was on its way to a fire and it passes another fire, which fire would it go to? If you could walk through the walls, wouldn’t you fall through the floor? How
come when you go in the front door of a church, you are at the back of
the church, and if you go in the back door, you would end up in the
front of the church? If your named Will and you are in the army do you get worried when people say fire at will? Why is there an L in NOEL? If you eat regular rice crispies with chocolate milk will it taste the same as eating co-co crispies with regular milk? Why is Bra singular and Panties plural? What are those little things on the end of your shoelaces called? When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away? If they develop a supersonic train, will they give it a whistle? Do fish ever get thirsty? Why can't we sneeze with our eyes open? If there were a knowledge contest, would the female winner be called Miss Informed? If you stick on stickers on non-stick pans, would they stick on? Why don't ducks duck when you shoot at them? On a hamburger bun, why is the top bun always bigger than the bottom one? Why does breaking a mirror mean seven years of bad luck when seven is a lucky number?? Can angels eat devils food cake? If I think, and therefore I am, am I just a thought? If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy? Why do the numbers on the phone go one way, but the numbers on the calculator go the other way? Why do we tie shoes to the back of a car for newly weds? Is it possible to do stand-up comedy sitting down? Is bad a bad word? If dinosaurs had sores.........what would they be called? What does the T in T-Shirt really mean? Why does the label on children’s Tylenol tell you not to operate heavy machinery or vehicles when it's for CHILDREN!? Why do they call front seat shotgun? Why are all farms red? Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo? Why is there not a Channel 1 on TV? Why are there dents in a golf ball? Why are the obituaries found in the "living" section of the newspaper? How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich? When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not? What would happen if u put a humidifier and a dehumdifier in the same room? Are one handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up? If
you built a time machine with all new parts, when you went back would
the parts you use dissapear because they didn't exist then? How can sweet and sour sauce be sweet and sour at the same time? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to? Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars Did Noah keep his bees in archives? If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth? If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go? If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit? What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours? What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go? Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
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Pickup Lines
Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you. You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] ... I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. Pick up a pack of sugar that actually says, "sugar" on it and say, "You dropped your nametag!". What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room? Do you believe in the hereafter? Well, then I guess you know what I'm here after. Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long. Do you have a Bandaid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you. There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you. Girl, you better have a license, cuz you are driving me crazy! Hey baby, you've got something on your butt: my eyes. Hi, I make more money than you can spend. I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away. Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged! I must be in heaven because I'm standing next to you! If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. You must be from out of space cause I can see the stars in your eyes. If you were a booger I'd pick you first. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. Baby did you fart, 'cause you blow me away! Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me. Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say... "I'm not really this tall....I'm sitting on my wallet." Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? When I saw you from across the room, I passed out cold and hit my head on the floor...so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons. You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche. Do you have a map? Because I just keep getting lost in your eyes! Is there an airport nearby or is that my heart taking off? Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?
