the one with the act of public near sex

Previously on "The L Word": In every generation... wait... wrong show.

Detroit, Michigan. Two years ago. Sierra Smoked Turkey with raspberry chipotle sauce. Hee. Chipotle. Remember when Jack from Jack in the Box tried to say "chipotle" and his mouth turned into a squiggly line? Hilarious. But this isn't Jack in the Box, it's Marsie & Chick's SUBS. A young female employee leans against the counter. BizarroDawson, the M&C night manager, tells her AKA Roxanne that if she's got time to lean, she's got time to clean. Roxanne and the other female employee start half-assedly wiping down counters and sweeping the floor. BizarroDawson seems please and vanishes into the back room. Roxanne calls him "a tool" and starts making out with the other girl. BizarroDawson sees them through the storeroom window and immediately begins abusing MiniBizarroDawson as he watches the girls go at it. These little intro pieces just get better and better. Except not.

Man, whoever invented electronica should win some kind of award. And let's make it out of cheese.

Babylon. Except not. This is L.A. so maybe it's PopStars? That's the gay male club that's back to back with Girlbar. Yes, I know these things. Harry Samcheck is Samchecking out Smoothie as she crosses the dance floor with Clive. Clive beelines for the drugs, but Samcheck reprimands him, saying he needs to be introduced to Smoothie. Samcheck thinks Smoothie is delicious. Smoothie's pissed that Clive never told Samcheck that she's a SHE and not a Smooth Young Twink like the ads in the back of those free magazines you can get on Santa Monica Boulevard. She tells Samcheck that she is, in fact, female. Samcheck seems to take it well, saying, "My, my, my androgyny confounds." Tell me about it. That goes through my mind every time I'm in the ladies' room and some woman entering feels the need to look at me, then at the sign on the door. And that's just because I'm tall with short hair. Smoothie's SO not digging Samcheck's vibe and heads for the bar.

Tim's House. Not Jenny's. Just Tim's. Tim rolls out of bed and slips on some gloves. He's all bare-chested and manly.

The PoorTards. Tina's propped up on the couch, reading a book. BossyBette sits down and begins rubbing Tina's feet. Aw. Actual affection? What show am I watching? It looks like Tina has a tattoo on top of her right foot. Or else someone hit her with a hammer. BB asks if she can do anything for her. She says that Tina can sleep in the whole plane ride and at the hotel once they get to wherever it is they're going. "If you could have anything right now, what would it be?" asks BB. How about some fucking peace while she tries to read her damn book? She suggests something cold. You know, like you usually are, BB. Oh, she means something like a sorbet. But sweeter. BB suggests a Slurpee. Ooo. Slurpee. There's totally a 7-11 not even a quarter of a mile from my house. Hmm... I could go and you'd never know. But I'll stick it out. For you guys. I expect cookies and sex in return. Tina likes the idea of the Slurpee because BB will have to get the fuck out of the house to go get it.

PopStars/Babylon. Clive's telling Samcheck that he and Smoothie turned tricks in Santa Monica for six months. Samcheck LOVES that. But Smoothie only gave handjobs. Whew. I was worried for a minute. Samcheck admires Smoothie's integrity and would like to admire her handiwork, too. Only Smoothie doesn't do that anymore. She does hair. Samcheck asks if she's good at it, because he's going to recommend her to Sherri Jaffe, the biggest Hollywood wife in the biz. Samcheck says that if Ms. Jaffe (if you're nasty) likes what Smoothie does to her, she'll be the biggest hairstylist of all time. ALL TIME! Clive is way more excited and takes a hit of some crazy gay club drug, which he passes to Smoothie. She indulges, then says she thought it was blow. I'm sure it's just Brian Kinney's Trail Mix.

Tim's beating the hell out of his punching bag. And by punching bag, I don't mean Jenny. He's not that guy. At least not yet. BossyBette stops and watches him until he notices and apologizes if he's making too much noise. She asks if he wants to talk. Now, she's holding one large Slurpee and her keys, which means she probably hasn't gone inside the house, yet. When we move into the next scene, where she and Tim are sitting on the porch, talking, SHE STILL HAS THE SLURPEE... and... SHE'S DRINKING IT. Damn you BossyBette. You are the worst life partner of a pregnant lady, ever. She says she's surprised about the Jenny and ProRina situation. She never figured Jenny to be a cheater. Tim tells her about the shotgun wedding, "Eight hours after I walk in on her with [ProRina's] head between her legs, we're saying ‘I do' in some white trash chapel in Tahoe." I'll just let it slide that he never actually saw ProRina's head between Jenny's legs. And by the way, Tim, next time you do this? Vegas is MUCH closer than Tahoe. Plus, there's the gambling. And no open container laws. BB says she understands why he did it, since people rend to do crazy things when they think they might lose someone. Tim tells her about how he just left her there in the room and now he doesn't know where she it. BB goes on with some crap about how Jenny's a writer and writers crave experience. Whatever. Oh, before I forget, I'm having an Ice Storm Wife Swapping Key Party and you all are invited. Tim jokingly blames BB & Co., calling them "fucking dykes." Hmm... I'll let him get away with it, but only because he's been a pretty good guy until his world came crashing down around him. BB tells him not to curse them all, saying she didn't want to be involved in it, which is why she and Tina left the dinner party. Uh... oops. Tim didn't know it was going on that far back. He asks her how long it was going on. BB tells him to ask Jenny. He insists that she tell him. She guesses a month. He wants to know how many times. BB has no idea. Tim gets pissed that, despite her Bossy exterior, she's not the know-all, be-all of lesbian sexual statistics.

California Highway. Jenny's sitting by the road, writing some crap about her heart being ripped out. Her writing sucks, by the way. She writes the way Yoda talks. Eviscerated I am.

Tim's on the couch. The phone rings. He snatches it up and answers, only to curse out those bastards at the longs distance company who always call at the worst possible time to ask if you'd like to switch services. I swear, the only calls I get on my home phone are those guys. I'm thinking about recording Tim's, "No, I don't wanna FUCKING switch long distance companies!" onto my answering machine. He throws the phone on the floor.

The PoorTards'. BossyBette's packing for the big trip to NYC for an art show. This is the first time Tina's actually been on the invitation and not been "and Guest" to BB. BB showers Tina with promises of pampering and being carried around. Yeah, right. You couldn't even deliver a freakin' Slurpee. But still, this is a nice change. I'd consider changing her name to ConsiderateBette, but I don't want to jinx anything for Tina. Tina attempts to get up off the bed, but she's obviously not feeling well. BB tells her that the biggest concern is Tina's health and if she needs to stay home, it's okay. Tina doesn't want to ruin the weekend, and BB would rather have Tina's company, but they eventually agree that Tina should stay home. Tina mentions a Chinese herbalist who may be able to help with the morning sickness. Doorbell! BB grabs her bags and tells Tina to call her "any time for any reason." She even gives Tina a kiss and tell her that she loves her. Bizzare. That's it! She's BizarroBette.

The Planet. It's the Finger Trio! Ew, no, not like that. It's the girls who were checking the length of everyone's fingers at the Donor Party. Okay, that doesn't sound much better. They're talking about go-go dancers. Ooo, at Girlbar there was this super cute go-go in the front lounge. Me like. I'm sorry, was I saying something? Oh yeah, the Finger Trio...They discuss super butch go-gos that don't take of their clothes... unless they want to. Now they're discussing a name for... the place with the go-gos. Well, they're not calling it Labia because it's too clinical, too seventies and really, can you imagine saying, "Hey, this place blows, let's see what happening over at Labia!" They settle on Twat. The Lovely Leisha Hailey is overhearing this entire exchange from behind her OUT magazine. They're calling it Twat: The Night, Deal With It. I can't help but giggle. TLLH is on the phone with Smoothie, telling her to get her ass down there because her roommates are running around screaming Twat: The Night, Deal With It." Oooh, those are the roomies. TLLH also mentions that Dana and CrispyLara were there, but they left, which was fine since they kept giving her the "We fucked all night and nobody else in the world matters" vibe. Hee. Good thing they kept that in the dialogue. My The Cute deflectors probably wouldn't have been able to handle that. It's LisaKrackow! He asks about TLLH's mom AKA Bunny. She gives him a brief overview, but says it's boring and he probably doesn't want to hear about it. Oh, but he does. TLLH tells him about how Bunny's pissed away all her money and TLLH's siblings think that she should let Bunny live with her since she's not married with children. LisaKrackow profoundly understands TLLH's situation and TLLH turns into a big pile of mush. You know, like a custard... or maybe a yogurt. But a good yogurt. Like, Academy Awards good.

Smoothie's Truck. Smoothie's passed out on the bench seat. A guy is trying to wake her up, by sticking his face in the three inch opening at the top of the window. He reminds me of Emeril Lagasse. He says, he doesn't care what "skanky things [she] did to which skanky people to get into this state, but [he] will not tolerate [her] bringing that skank into [his] shop." Smoothie flops around the cab of the truck until he opens the door and she drags herself onto the sidewalk.

The Planet. TLLH and LisaKrackow are at a table. Tina joins them. TLLH says she was going to call Tina earlier, but BizarroBette told her to let Tina sleep in. She talks about morning sickness and suppositories... mmm boy. LisaKrackow offers to get her some herbal tea. Tina says she can get it herself, but LisaKrackow insists, saying he's jealous that his body cannot experience what hers is. Tina gives TLLH a look that says, "WTF?!" LisaKrackow hops up to get the tea.

Tim's House of Solitude. Tim's calling the Wedding Chapel to see if Jenny's there. Wait? He was all worried about where she was and he's just now calling the place? Oh, and his last name is Haspell. With a P. I knew that. Jenny's already checked out.

California Highway. Jenny's trying to hitch a ride. She voiceovers with the crappy letter she wrote to Tim about how she wants to give him small organs, glands, sweetbreads and variety meats. That'll make him want you. Yeah, Jenny, you're about as endearing as a cannibalistic serial killer. No, wait, Hannibal was much more charming.

WeHo PD. Ooo... now that's a tv series. Tim's trying to file a missing persons report. But it's been less than a day, so they can't do jack shit. A couple of guys behind him want to know if they can just renew their parking passes. Tim reprimands them then tries to explain the situation to the officer. As soon as he gets to the part about Jenny cheating with another woman, the Gays behind him start giggling. He tells them to shut up. One of them tells the officer that if they find Jenny, they shouldn't return her to Tim. The officer repeats that nothing can be done at this time. Tim asks if it would be different if it were his boyfriend. Well... yes... because then you couldn't have run off and gotten a loveless marriage. It's sacred, you know, the institution of marriage.

Emeril's House of BAM. Or Lather, as they call it. Emeril's on the phone, but puts the person on hold as soon as a blonde executive type woman approaches the desk. Her name is Miss Zimmer and she's here to see Smoothie. Emeril kicks Smoothie, who's snoozing in her chair and tells her that Ellie Zimmer is here to see her. Ellie's apparently some Hollywood bigwig, friend of JLO and Madonna... at the same time. That's funny. She remembers that Samcheck was sending her over. Except that he said he was sending Sherri Jaffe. Ellie's immediately taken with Smoothie. Who isn't?

Shroomin' Utility Vehicle. Jenny sits in the backseat while a younger guy and girl ride in the front. The guy stares at her from the passenger seat. He suddenly climbs into the back and offers her some shrooms. She takes a huge handful and pops them in her mouth. Damn.

The Chinese Herbalist. Tina, an older woman, and a VERY annoying girl are sitting in the waiting room. AnnoyingGirl is talking to, no one in particular, sounding like a goddamn infomercial about she came to this herbalist after her car accident and he fixed her up good as new and now her boyfriend comes here for his chronic back problems. Oh, boy, there he is now. Her boyfriend is Allen Woodymarcus, donor of the demon seed that helped create the embryo that will become GayMo PoorTard (tm - Winter Steele). Tina jumps up and tells him about little GayMo. AnnoyingGirl doesn't seem very happy.

SUV. ShroomBoy asks Jenny why she's there. She says it's because they picked her up. No, he wants to know why she was hitchhiking in the first place. Is she running away? Did she commit a crime? Only the crime of passion. She talks about her boyfriend/husband, Tim and her affair with ProRina. DriverGirl asks if Jenny's a lesbian. She says she doesn't know. Huh. That's interesting. I was expecting her to deny it. Maybe it's just the shrooms talkin'. DriverGirl tells her to be careful because her "friends Roxanne and Katie, they got totally busted being lesbos in the restaurant where they worked." The manager ratted them out to their parents, who shipped them off to boarding school where one of them killed herself. Yeah, uh, DriverGirl? So, uh, did this friend have a bird, and after she killed herself, did she go work at a bar with Tyra Banks? Because she's my friend, too. ShroomBoy says they weren't her friends and that it was an after school special.

Chinese Herbalist Waiting Room. AnnoyingGirl is bitching out Allen Marcuswood about being a sperm donor and not telling her. She goes on some crazy ass rant about how his sperm isn't his to give. I don't like her. AnnoyingGirl keeps talking, but I can't bear to listen enough to recap in full. She's just bitching about his sperm and how little GayMo would be a half brother or sister to any kid they might have together. If this woman is allowed to raise a child, I'm locking myself in a refrigerator, just like Cherrie in that very special episode of "Punky Brewster." The scene continues and I want to put a Forkus in my eye. This actress is... bad. Chinese Herbalist thinks so, too, because he kicks her out. Along with Marky Marker Wood and Tina.

SUV. ShroomBoy asks Jenny to read her letter to him. He likes scary stories. And Yoda. Blah, blah, blah, organs and pulpy mass, putridity and sick meat. I don't know. I can't watch this scene anymore. That seems to be the theme of this episode.

AnnoyingGirl follows Tina to her car. I wish Tina would just hit her. AnnoyingGirl says that she knows her way around the legal system and that she and MarkyMcMarkerson have rights over little GayMo. Uh, no... first of all, I'm sure Marcus probably signed something at the CryoSperm place. And secondly, you's just his girlfriend, not his wife, therefore you have legal claim to absolutely nothin'. See, that marriage and the law train works both ways, now, don't it? AnnoyingGirl storms away and hops in Big Black Marcus' Little White Jeep. Tina leaves BizarroBette a frantic voice mail, saying that something horrible happened and she's freaking out. Uh oh, here's where the lack of Xanax rears its ugly head.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Ellie's ecstatic about her new hair by Smoothie. Emeril makes a suggestion, but Ellie likes the was Smoothie left it. Ellie invites Smoothie to a screening of the new Steven Soderbergh movie. Smoothie says it sounds "kinda beast"but she can't make it. Ellie hands her a card and tells Smoothie to call her. Ellie raves about Smoothie all the way out the door.

The PoorTards. Tina comes home to a gift basket from BizarroBette.

Meanwhile, in the big city... BB's livin' it up at her art... thing.

The PoorTards. Tina's checking her messages. TLLH has a maybe date with Lisa. Dana and CripsyLara (or Snookums, as TLLH calls her) will be over later with Thai food (Mmm... Thai food.). Smoothie's confirming that they're still having poker night even though BB's out of town. AnnoyingGirl called to inform Tina that it's easy for her to find out where she lives. Tina calls BB again and leaves another message.

Haspell's House of Pain. Randy's telling Tim he did the right thing by abandoning his new wife in a hotel room 400 miles from home with no transportation. Ms. Randy brings up the idea of psychos and serial killers. Don't worry Tim, I think Jenny scared them all away. Ms. Randy suggests calling Jenny's mother. Ding!

Ahhh! Attack of AnnoyingGirl! She's called again, but Tina hangs up on her. Someone pounds on the door. Scary! This is just like "Scream." But it's just Dana and CrispyLara. With Thai food (Mmm... Thai food). Dana suggests locking all the door and windows. CrispyLara says Dana's smart. Dana says that CrispyLara is the smart one. Oh no. It's coming... The Cute! The Cute is here!! CripsyLara says she's only smart in cooking, but Dana adds photography. CL says Dana has "mind and body intelligence" which turns into a battle of "no, you do." Ack. That can't be good for GayMo. Tina thinks the same thing.

Tim's calling Jenny's mom, trying to carefully explain the situation at hand and wants to know if she's heard from Jenny. Oh, her? Yeah. About an hour ago. Well, shit. He grabs his keys and heads out of the house.

Poker Night at The PoorTards'. ["I like how Tina is too fragile to go to some boring artsy fartsy thing but she's going to bars and hosting poker nights." - Cort Knee] The Gang's all here. Smoothie opens the scene saying, "Liquor in the front, poker in the rear." SUCH a charmer, that one. But really. She is. TLLH asks about the latest adventures of AnnoyingGirl. They haven't heard from her. They've also unplugged the phone. LisaKrackow puts in his dollar ante and also throws one in for TLLH. Aw. He's such a gentlesbiman.

NYC Art Show Thing. Everyone's raving about BizarroBette.

Poker Night. Kit arrives. Smoothie repeats her "lick her, poke her" joke. Kit tells Tina not to worry. They've got a bunch of kick ass women... and LisaKrackow. Hell, yeah. They've got Jackie Brown!

The Planet. Tim's pounding on the door looking for Jenny. ProRina opens the door and he barges in asking where Jenny is. ProRina says the last time she saw her, Jenny told her she didn't want to see her anymore. Remember that, Tim? You were there. She tells him to calm down. He calls her a vulture. He starts yelling at her... something about being honorable. ProRina doesn't say anything, which pisses Tim off. ProRina finally says that Jenny is responsible for her own actions. More yelling. More of me waiting for a scene to be over. Except I'd like to see ProRina hit him or something. He calls her pathetic, then asks what it is they did together and asks if it even "counts." ProRina says he was there, "[he] saw how much it counts." Heh. She tries to push him out the door, but he shoves her away. They get into a semi-slap fight. ProRina asks what he's trying to prove. He asks if she thinks he's joking. Then he leaves. Whew. Glad that's over.

Poker. Dana asks TLLH if "the lesbo man's dating the fake bisexual." Dana, sweetie, if TLLH didn't date men, she wouldn't BE bisexual, she'd be a lesbian. CrispyLara asks what they're talking about. Dana explains about how LisaKrackow is a Lesbian Identified Man. CL starts to asks if that's like a transsexual, but TLLH cuts her off. Dana wonders how he pees and looks to Smoothie, but Smoothie's never peed with him so she doesn't know. Tina wants to know is TLLH is into LisaKrackow as a lesbian or as a man. Dana suggests TLLH call herself a "trisexual." Hee. Kit makes a good point that if a "dude wanna give up his white man rights to be a second class citizen," then more power to him. The Gang can't argue with that.

NYC. BizarroBette's hailing a taxi and finally checking her messages. She tries to call Tina, but the phone is unplugged and the voice mailbox is full.

Slumber Party at The PoorTards'. Everyone's scattered around the living room. Except Tina, she must be in the bedroom. And I can't believe that they'd make her sleep alone with AnnoyingGirl out on the prowl. Dana and CrispyLara are still away, but everyone else appears to be off in dream land. CL starts in with the naughty touching, Dana tries to stop her, but really... why? I once did that, at a party. Except I was sooo drunk that I didn't care about the people that were walking through the room. At one point, someone just threw a blanket over us. Oh, man. The Cute just crossed boundaries into The Hot. Except... no one's asleep. They're all trying not to laugh as CL and Dana moan and pant about having to be quiet. Kit finally clears her throat and the couple stops in mid... uh... touchage. CL giggles profusely while Dana's terminally mortified.

SUV. Jenny's driving. The GPS tells her she missed a turn. The Passenger Formerly Known as DriverGirl tells her not to worry about it. ShroomBoy says he wishes he was Tim, because he'd be getting all her squishy organ gifts.

NYC Taxi. BizarroBette's calling Peggy Peabody at the butt crack of dawn to tell her that she won't be attending a dinner party that night because she's worried about Tina. She tries to call the house again.

PoorTards'. Someone's at the door. It's Alice Markenwood. He wants to apologize for AnnoyingGirl's behavior and he promises that she won't be calling anymore. He says he tried to call but the voice mail box is full. Tina realizes that she should plug the phone back in. The Gang gathers around as she plays the messages. They're all AnnoyingGirl. Tina's bummed that there's no messages from BB. She tries to call her cell phone. No answer. She calls the hotel. But she's already checked out. Wait up, I just realized... Tina has a cell phone. She used it to call BB outside the Chinese herbalist's office. Why the fuck didn't BB try calling that number? The Gang speculates where BB might be since she's not in the hotel. Try "at home." BB comes in the front door, bombarding Tina with questions about the baby and herself. Tina tells her that everything's okay. I'm waiting for BB to flip out any minute now... still waiting... Tina explains about AnnoyingGirl and says she couldn't handle it. BB says she was so worried that came all the way home from New York. She tells The Gang about the magical land of the NY Art World where she was a princess and Queen Peabody was throwing a party in her honor. And now she won't be there because she's at home. And strangely, she's not royally PO'd. Huh. BizarroBette strikes again.

Tim's still sitting at home, alone.

The SUV drops Jenny off in front of a 50's diner. More voiceover about Jenny's goopy organs. She drops the letter in a mailbox and sits on the ground. Aw, man. She's wearing Classic Chucks. She is SO NOT cool enough for those.

I'm gonna go cry. And sleep. This is me, being all caught up. See you guys next week. And by next week, I mean, next week.