Locked Up
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Locked Up
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| I'm here with my chai tea and
totally prepped for cappin' the next ep. I just watched
this week's "Veronica Mars" and "Gilmore
Girls" so the snarky banter levels are at full
capacity. Bring me the head of John the Baptist! Or just
the penultimate episode of the season. Thanks. Normally, I don't cover the stuff that happens in the "previously on" segment, but I'd just like to point out that the part where CargoPants and Biceps partake in the quasi adulterous smoochies is totally flipped backwards for some reason. My film education (and I DO have one) says that there's no reason for this. So maybe someone just fucked up somewhere. FUN! Off the Coast of Florida - 1999. Dolphins swim around. The sea mammal, not the football team. Francis Faye sings about how everyone's going with someone else while all the dolphins get down and dirty. The casts names are superimposed over various dolphins and it makes me wonder what the Jennifer Beals of the Dolphin World is like. Also, I have just seen enough dolphin penises to last a lifetime. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I do believe that dolphins are the only known creature, other than humans, who have sex for recreational purposes. We open
on Smoothie saying, "Look, when I've been with
people, I don't mean twenty or thirty." She's out
with HotDaughter Noxon at The Planet. HotDaughter doesn't
seem phased and asks if it's hundreds or thousands.
Smoothie throws out a number. Well, she throws out a
range of numbers. Somewhere between 950 and 1200. Since
she was fourteen. And I think she's probably something
like twenty-four now. So about 1100 in ten years. Which
averages out to 110 a year and a different person every
three or four days. Hot damn, I just did all that math in
my head. HotDaughter pretends to still be unphased,
saying it doesn't matter and that she doesn't care.
Smoothie emphasizes that she used to turn tricks on Santa
Monica Blvd. (which is lovely this time of year) while
pretending to be a gay boy and she could have gotten
killed. In this scene, HotDaughter looks a lot like this
chick who came to a party at my house and Kit walks past them to a corner of the shop that's set up with a microphone greeting a forlorn looking ProRina. Kit tells her to hang in there and that "she'll be back" before she knows it. ProRina hopes not. I assume they're talking about Worffcesca. Kit's proud of her for making that realization and tells her that she deserves to be happy and that The Planet is hers. ProRina says that Worffcesca wants to sell the Planet and she doesn't have enough money to buy her out. That's crap. Just watch your girlfriend bust her ass to get a successful business up and running and then pull it right out from under her? You can't see it, but I'm giving Worffcesca the evil eye, wherever she is. But I'm careful, because I don't want to hit Drew Barrymore with it. Tim and Jenny's house of. civil dinner conversation? The Haspells are enjoying a meal. Together. Huh. That's weird. Jenny asks about Trish. Tim says they're cooling it for a while because he's getting his teaching degree and that once he switches departments they can start seeing each other again. Jenny asks if she cried when he broke up with her. Heh. Tim says that she did then sits in a moment of uncomfortable silence before asking Jenny about her writing. She says she's working on a story. This happens to be the BEST STORY OF ALL TIME. I'll let Jenny tell you. JENNY:
It's about a woman who's been mute from birth and then
she discovers that she's able Another moment that could only be heightened in greatness but the Coke Bottle Glasses of Doom. Ahem. The language of manatees. MANATEES. Okay, I'm done. Tim's smart. He just drinks his beer and looks at the ceiling. I guess he's used to this kind of stuff with her. I'd be rolling on the floor laughing my fucking ass off. Or, as they say, in the cyber world, "ROTFLMFAO." The
Planet. Or the Dragnet. Looks like we've got some drag
king action, baby. I've worked in drag before. In
college, I played a few male roles in plays, including
the brother in "The Philadelphia Story." It was
great because all the old people kept checking the
programs to see who was playing the role, but they had
only billed me with my first initial so they got ZERO
answers to their questions. MWAHAHA. I've been told that
I'm a hot chick and a cute boy. My dream is to play Mark
in "RENT." I do it in my living room all the
time. But enough about me. Well, not really, but there's
recap to tend to. Anyway, Drag King #1 is dressed as a
cowboy and doin' a lot of pelvic thrusts to a song that
keeps claiming, "I am a man." The music ends
and Tim and Jenny are still playing the domestic dinner game. Jenny mentions that she has a date on Wednesday with LadyRobin. Tim asks why she's telling him. She says that she can't really afford to go out. He automatically assumes that means she wants money, but she tells him that she just wants to have her over. Tim says that's his basketball and beer night so he won't even be home for most of the evening. He even gives her permission to use the kitchen. What a sport! Back at The Planet, ProRina's introducing herself to LadyRobin. TLLH and Smoothie watch from afar, saying that it can't be good. TLLH worries that ProRina thought she was purposefully pointing LadyRobin out to her. Kit thanks Ivan for organizing the evening's Kings of the Night. Ivan graciously insists that the pleasure was all his, then kicks one of the other kings out of his seat so Kit can sit down. He asks what she'd like to drink, but she declines, eventually admitting that she's "keeping dry these days." Ivan asks if she's "in the program" and admits to having been sober for almost eleven years. Kit says she's at thirty seven days. Ivan encourages her to call if she ever needs anything. The Poortards'. Biceps is wandering around in her bathrobe to find Tina buzzing around the kitchen, sipping coffee and about to head out he door. She's due in court with Oscar at 8:15 for some case that involves the betterment of all of us, I'm sure. Then she's off to some junior high school to help organize an organic food co-op. Biceps seems impressed with all the work she's doing, then asks if she knows where her Jill Sanders suit it. Tina says she dropped it at the dry cleaners. Biceps asks if she can pick it up. Tina says she's busy and suggests having BitchboyJames get it. Bwaha. When did Tina become all Tenacious T? Biceps is wondering the same thing. Mister Piddles! Dana's giving TonyaBot the rundown on all of Master P's medications. TonyaBot just sits in Dana's bed and stares at Master P. Dana kisses TonyaBot, then proceeds to spend three times as long giving P his goodbye, saying "TonTon's gonna extra good care" of him. And because "TonTon" makes me think of creatures from an ice planet, I deem that an appropriate name for the hospitality bitch formerly known as TonyaBot. The second Dana's out the door, IcyTonTon kicks Master P off the bed and picks up the phone. She tells someone named Deb that they will never believe where she is. The CAC.
Biceps is on the phone talking about keeping Ava Gabor in
a crate until the technician arrives. Or maybe it was Yom
Kippur. BitchboyJames flits into the office to tell her
that she needs to come downstairs to see "what's
going on." Protestors. Lots of them. Now. CargoPants
pushes though the crowd, trying to get inside. Some
SkinnyProtestor steps in her way, saying she doesn't want
to go inside. She says she does. He asks if she's aware
that the CAC is run by Homosexual Pornographers.
CargoPants actually does something likeable and tells him
to get out of her face and calls him a slime ball. He
asks if she's a Homosexual Pornographer. I like how
protest groups always feel the need to use the most
sterile scientific We move inside the CAC and treated to a bluesy harmonica riff that makes me think we're either in jail or about to jump off this here boxcar. Biceps finds CargoPants looking over her blueprints and asks her if she's seen what's going on outside. CargoPants tells her about Monsieur Slimeball, then asks if she's okay. Biceps says she has a bunch of art shipments due and a bunch of crazy-ass people outside. But she things the main gallery looks great. CargoPants wants to show her some of the other plans, so they stand reeeeally close to each other as they lean over the blueprints. Biceps says that "what happened the other night cannot happen again." CargoPants actually complies with that statement and begins talking about the Shoji screens until she realizes Biceps all about intent gazes and intimate leaning. They're about to kiss again when BitchboyJames clamors in, saying that there's now nearly a hundred protestors and they're intent on keeping the art from getting into the museum. Biceps suggests calling the cops, but CargoPants says they're already there and can't do anything because they protesters have a permit. Biceps wants to know if they can load in from the alley, but that's already being blocked off. CargoPants suggests a tactic used to get women in and out of abortion clinics where people link arms and form a human shield to get someone through a crowd of protestors. Biceps tells BitchboyJames to gather everyone in the office and then to call all the artists in town and everyone he knows to help. The Planet. LadyRobin and ProRina look to be on a date of some kind. Clever, ProRina! She offers LadyRobin some wine, but LadyRobin can't say much longer. She has to teach a class of ten-year old tight rope walkers. ProRina says it's fine, they'll just have it later tonight. Oh, but LadyRobin has plans. ProRina asks about them, then takes it back, saying that if it's a secret, she shouldn't tell her. She then proceeds to drill LadyRobin on one of Jenny's favorite authors. Damn, ProRina. I had almost forgotten that you really do bring the Pro to ProRina. She offers to give her a copy of "Eros the Bittersweet." Oh, that sounds nice and platonic. Mission:
Improvocable. Biceps and minions are marching out of the
art center while some not so intrepid reporter asks if
the CAC is going to continue with Provocations. Biceps
insists that they'll proceed "without the slightest
hesitation." NsIR notices that Faetan is nowhere to
be found and asks if Biceps ruined her with the
revelation if the porno starring her daughter. Biceps
then morphs into a version of her previous self, becoming
BossyBiceps, telling her minions to link arms and informs
the protestors that they're "obstructing
commerce" and by not letting the art movers through,
they're violating the law. The protestors chant,
"Shut them down. Tell them no. Filth as art has got
to go." TLLH and Smoothie arrive and link up with
the group right next to BossyBiceps, who just happens to
have CargoPants linked to her other arm. Smoothie says
that Dana's on her way and asks about Tenacious T.
BossyBiceps says she "left word for her" like
it's 1592 and she had to send a messenger on horseback.
Apparently, she couldn't get through to her while she was
in court with Oscar. Well, BossyBiceps, when one is in
court, then generally ProRina's
walking LadyRobin out of The Planet. Ivan, or whatever
Ivan's name is when Ivan is not in drag, is sitting at a
table. Her wardrobe looks just as classic rock and roll
as her stage persona, but her hair is long and blonde and
she doesn't have any penciled in facial hair. ProRina
gives a quick greeting, then continues walking with
LadyRobin, telling her to come by after work to pick up
the Anne Carson book they were talking about. LadyRobin
says she'll just pick it up tomorrow, but ProRina is
insistent that she get it tonight and promises not to
keep her long. LadyRobin gives in, saying ProRina is very
persistent. ProRina replies with, "Persistance est
la mere de tout le succes." That's French for,
"Stay away from my bitch, bitch. And I loved you on
Mad About You." Okay, actually, it means,
"Persistence is the mother of all success." I
like mine better. LadyRobin walks away looking like she
may or may not have understood what CAC.
Things are getting increasingly heated. Dana's there,
asking where Tenacious T's at. The Art movers are
unloading another crate of art. Slimeball asks which
"Godless piece of filth" is inside. Someone
behind BossyBiceps and CargoPants starts shoving against
them and BossyBiceps bosses at them to stop. They don't.
CargoPants de-links to push the guy away, which results
in Ultimate Chaos. Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats, living
together! Mass Hysteria! Or, instead of channeling the
Ghostbusters, some protestor points out the artist from
Leon Phelp's Passion of the Christ. He gives a rather
detailed description of the video for someone who's
supposed to be totally offended by the content. He says
that Christ commits The Paddy Wagon. No, it's not a new gay club. It's an actual Paddy Wagon. Do they still call them Paddy Wagons? The protestors on the left side, protested on the right. Shouldn't it be the other way around? Dana climbs in next to Smoothie, TLLH, and CargoPants, saying that she'll die if her parents find out. TLLH tells her to look on the bright side because it would overshadow the whole gay thing. BossyBiceps mutters something about her lawyer as she stumbles into the van, landing in CargoPants' lap. It looks like they might kiss but, you know, they can't. BossyBiceps settles in between TLLH and CargoPants, which makes for a nice past-lover, current-lover (or makeouter, whatever) display. TLLH whistles at a pretty blonde protester across from her, saying, "Hey, good lookin'." ConservativeBlondie doesn't look ultimately terrified, which makes me think that she must have at least experimented in college. We're treated to more bluesy harmonica riffs. This next scene really just leaves me screaming, "HOLY GOD WTF?!" so I'll recap it as quickly as possible. Jenny's at the aquarium looking at Beluga whales and writing something about them and the clicky noises they make and the core of desire. I have to go now before I shove and utensils in my eye sockets. Our ragtag team of arrestees are dropped off at the police station and told to turn in their shoes, watches, jewelry, eyeglasses and, to Smoothie's extreme distress, their cell phones. We then see everyone making their obligatory single phone call: CargoPants calls SingleMother, BossyBiceps bitches at Tenacious T's voice mail, Smoothie calls Marti to tell her she'll be late, Dana calls to check in my Master P, TLLH hangs up on a message from her mother asking her to drop off her headshots. Heh. And, hey, I have that same shirt that TLLH is wearing. A female guard leads CargoPants and BossyBiceps to a cell away from everyone else because they're "high risk." I also notice that ChickGuard is wearing BossyBiceps' sunglasses, which really amuses me. She calls them "dangerous ringleaders" as she locks them in the cell. CargoPants takes a seat on the single cell bed, asking BossyBiceps to sit down. CargoPants asks why. BossyBiceps says she can't. I wait for her to say that it's because of the cavity search they did, looking for that condom full of heroin. Oh, but it's just because she has no self-control. CargoPants suggests that they each sit on opposite sides of the cot and offers to draw an imaginary line down the middle. Except BossyBiceps has not respect for boundaries, so that's not going to work. She then stands in front of CargoPants, lamenting that she's in "so much trouble." CargoPants actually moves away from her, and suggests they play an "alphabet game." Sounds innocent enough, but I know a couple mighty dirty ones, myself. Jenny's
talking to whales again, but before I can slam my head in
the silverware drawer, some boy shows up and saves me.
Hey, it's Ronnie, the schizophrenic guy who could see the
gravelings on "Dead Like Me!" Or it's just Gene
Feinberg, a marine biologist. Well, that's not nearly as
interesting. He hears Jenny babbling about manatees and
tells her that manatees have the craziest mating behavior
of any sea mammal. Gene tells her about how he helped
some beached manatees. The whole time Jenny is talking to
him, she keeps looking ahead like she's blind or
something and it's really FREAKING ME OUT. I also don't
like that Gene is eating something crunchy during the
scene. Maybe I'm just having a hypomanic episode, but
DUDE, that's annoying. It's like when someone calls you
up and while they're talking they're eating chips or
peanuts or celery and not taking into account the
microphone that's right next to their mouth. Jenny
FINALLY turns to him and asks if he works at the
aquarium. Yes. He's the assistant curator of fish and
aquarium dive coordinator. Assistant curator of fish. And
the language of the manatees. OMG, I love this show.
Jenny falls back into her Helen Keller pose as Gene asks
if she works at a grocery store. She wants to know if he
can tell just by looking at her. Yes, bitch, if you're
still wearing the goddamn uniform. She says that she
didn't know fish had curators. Gene wasn't aware that
nice Jewish girls worked in grocery stores. Wtf? He asks
if that's her life's calling. She says that she's a
fiction writer. He offers to take her to dinner sometime
and tell her all about manatees. She gives him her
number. And then, to my delight, ProRina's Office at the Planet. LadyRobin's there to pick up the book from ProRina, who tries to read a bit aloud, but LadyRobin really has to leave. ProRina nods and lets her go, but not before giving her a mini vocab lecture on "Eros" which involves horning in on LadyRobin's three feet of personal space. Police Station. The receptionist is typing up the paperwork on all of out girls, but she's using the two finger hunt and peck method. Kit paces in the waiting area, while NotDragIvan sits and watches her. Kit asks the receptionist if she can hurry, but she's ignored. Kit's about to stir up trouble, but NotDragIvan tells her to stay cool, then offers to go pick up some bail bonds and Reese's Cups. Kit wants to know how NotDragIvan knew that's what she was "jonesin' for." NotDragIvan just smirks and exits as HeadCACGuy shows up. He's there to post bail for BossyBiceps. Kit asks where he's been. He asks who she is and then doesn't really care when she introduces herself. He asks the receptionist is she can hurry up but she simply tells him there's a lot of paperwork to process and suggests he take a seat. Cell Block of Lust and Adultery. BossyBiceps and CargoPants are sitting on the cot, about two feet from each other, both leaning against the wall. They've been listing the states by letter and they're up to the "W's." One they work through those, they realize there's no states left. I guess once you name all the states, it's time to unleash the sexual tension. Aaaand, they're off! They look at each other, then look away, but they both let their hands creep toward each other until their fingers touch. BossyBiceps suggests they do math, asking CargoPants what she knows. She says, "Two plus two equals four." BossyBiceps jumps in with the Pythagorean theorem. By the way, this is sexy prison math because we're hearing our bluesy riffs again. "Hey!" BossyBiceps shouts at ChickGuard as she passes by, "Hey, I'm talking to you!" ChickGuard turns, still wearing the sunglasses, then turns back around and keeps walking. Okay, despite her inability to "keep it in her pants," as they say, I do give BossyBiceps credit for at least trying to find a distraction. The OGStTB. Jenny of the Manatees and LadyRobin are having their date and sharing embarrassing stories of their youth. At some point Jenny asks when LadyRobin knew she was gay and she says something about the circus. Jenny asks if she fell for the bearded lady. I can tell I'm going to require medication before the end of this episode. CBoLaA.
BossyBiceps hops up from the cot saying that she
"can't stand it," and leans, face first,
against the opposite wall. CargoPants says she's sorry
"it's so painful." Buh? Whatever, it's less
painful than the Jenny scenes, so I'll continue. We've
not ditched the harmonica for some rockin' Chris Isaaky
guitar. That must mean there'll be sex soon, because
Chris Isaak? Mrowr. And this ep is really starting to
remind me of that Buffy fan fic where Cordelia goes to
prison and ends up being Faith's bunkmate and they
totally do it up against the bars. Huh? Oh, the scene.
BossyBiceps repeats that "it's so painful."
CargoPants sighs lustily (Jesus, now I'm WRITING fanfic)
as she reclines on the cot. BossyBiceps (still facing the
wall) asks CargoPants what she's doing. CargoPants tells
her the exciting story of how she "just layed (sic.)
down." BossyBiceps says she's lying on top of her.
No she's not, she's standing. OH. BossyBiceps is now
firmly Oh whee,
more Jenny. She's telling LadyRobin about being crammed
in the back of a car with "Todd, Amy and, of course,
Andrew." Of course. She says they were all making
out. All of them? At the same time? At some point she
realized that Andrew had an erection. But apparently it
was small and he was terrified. And, like the lady she
is, Jenny pushed her panties to the side and did the
deed. She was thirteen. They sit in silence for a moment.
Only it's not silent because Jenny's playing music. And
that music happens to be The Murmurs, featuring one
fabulous Leisha Hailey. Male voices can be heard coming
from outside the OGStTB. Jenny peeks out the window to
see Tim and his basketball buddies. LadyRobin suggests
that they plan to get together on another night when her
ex isn't sitting outside. Jenny kisses her goodbye
outside Police Station. HeadCACGuys says it won't be long because he made some calls "downtown." Tenacious T shows up with Oscar and says she would have been there sooner, but she doesn't get cell reception in the soup kitchen. HeadCACGuy also reveals that his calls are only good for BossyBiceps and the artists. Oscar says that he'll try and get everyone else processed more quickly. BossyBiceps stands in the corner of the cell, looking a little disheveled and saying she needs a cigarette. CargoPants laughs and asks if she smokes. BossyBiceps grins and says not since she was twelve. ChickGuard tells them they've made bail and unlocks the door. Smoothie,
TLLH, and Dana filter into the waiting room. Smoothie
announces that "jail is whack." Tenacious T
asks where BossyBiceps is. Dana's about to tell her that
she was held separately, but BossyBiceps comes through
the door, followed by ChickGuard and CargoPants.
Tenacious T and BossyBiceps hug, then BossyBiceps
introduces her two lovers to each other. Tenacious T says
she's heard a lot about CargoPants and then SHAKES HER
HAND (yeah, that one) and it totally reminds me of the
scene in "Bound" when Gina Gershon shakes Joe
Pantoliano's hand right after she was taking care of
Jennifer Tilly's plumbing. Yeah. That one. Everyone
arranges for their rides home and Tenacious T offers to
give CargoPants a lift. Fortunately, Oscar lives closer
to where she's going, so BossyBiceps avoids that
whirly-gig of fun. Smoothie says she doesn't need a ride,
since she thinks Marti's gonna pick her up. Everyone
leaves. Smoothie checks her phone, then dials a number
and leaves Marti a message telling her that she's finally
The Haspell's. Tim apologizes for coming home early. Jenny concurs that he came home too soon. He asks if it's his fault she likes women, wanting to know if he's inadequate. She says he's not. He says he really wants her to be honest. She takes his hand and tells him that he's "such a good man." Both Mia Kirshner and Eric Mabius pull of a fabulous subtlety, making it a nice sweet moment for both characters. It's ten after three and Smoothie's still waiting. And it's 5:39 and I'm done with this recap. Next time. season finale! |
