the one with The Intervention

Showtime? Thanks for showing that Britney promo EVERY TIME I watch this show. And no, that's not sarcasm. Seriously. Oh, never mind.

Previously on "The L Word": Smoothie did hair, Tina flipped out, Tim abandoned Jenny, and I already recapped all this shit. Check the archives!

Rome, Italy. Present Day. A hot brunette is having her dress altered by a red headed woman. Someone fucked up the dress, so Red tells her assistant something in Italian and the assistant runs off to do whatever Italian thing she was just told. Red grabs a handful of HotBrunette's ass as she tells her the story of O. Henry's "The Gift of the Magi," the overall message being about the foolish things people do for love. Red wants to "try something" with the dress, but she has to "pin it from underneath." Yeah, like that's not a line. Red continues her story and proceeds to run her hand up HotBrunette's thigh. This is a lot like that time Joey sent Chandler to his tailor who would "cup it and move it over" to measure the inseam. Except, HotBrunette likes it and Chandler didn't.

I'm beginning to doubt Sparkle Motion's commitment to my recaps. They haven't been returning my calls about our dance number.

ProRina's Pad. She's jammin' to some Italian rock opera. Well, I wish it was rock opera. Whatever. She's having a swell morning.

Tim Haspell's House of Heterosexuality. Tim's dragging around a black plastic trash bag, filling it with Jenny's stuff. Oh, and there she is, at the front door. She's got a backpack and a sleeping bag, which she didn't have at the end of the last episode. I'm wondering where she got them, since I'm assuming she didn't have any cash because she was hitchhiking. Or maybe it was just one of those moments writers crave. I can't say I've craved hitchhiking while wearing my skanky ass pantyhose. Tim asks where she's been. She tells him about the Shroom kids and how they dropped her off in Bishop. She calls it "a little town". I wonder what the folks in Bishop have to say about that. I know a guy who lives in Bishop. He whines a lot. She tells Tim about how she climbed a mountain. IN HER SKANKY ASS PANTYHOSE. Sigh. Tim says he got her letter. Oh yeah. That. I hope he recommends therapy. And perhaps some kind of medication. But instead, he says he just wanted her honesty. Aw. Jenny has a present for him. I'm really expecting it to be some kind of bloody internal organ. But it's just a chain for his stopwatch so he won't keep losing it. Jenny says she picked it up in another "little town called Lonepine". She's really making these places sound like they're made up of a lemonade stand and a Motel 6. All things aside, it is a sweet gift. Maybe not "I'm sorry I fucked another woman and made you look like a fool and feel like an idiot" sweet, but sweet nonetheless. Tim tells her that he broke the watch after he found ProRina licking Jenny's navel. He asks if that was the first time anything happened between them. She says yes. Bad move. And again, seen it, lived it, recapped it. He picks up the plastic bag and throws it out on the lawn and tells kicks her out. I heart Tim. I think he needs a hug. As Tim shuts the door, I can hear a dirt bike that sounds just like the ones on "Grand Theft Auto: Vice City." Man, I love that game.

The (Not so Daily) Planet. ProRina's drinking tea. Well, I assume it's tea. It could be a nice single malt whiskey. Mmm... whiskey. She joins Dana, The Lovely Leisha Hailey, and Smoothie at a table. Smoothie's talking about the size of Madonna. I saw her once. She is pretty tiny. But she's Madonna, so really, size doesn't matter. Apparently, the two met at Harry Samcheck's party. ProRina says something that I cannot, for the life of me, understand what she says. I'll assume it's, "Madonna? But have you met WDK? She's hot. And tall. And a blast at parties." Dana asks if Madonna wants Smoothie. TLLH asks if Smoothie already "did" her. Smoothie conveniently sidesteps the question and says that she's "doing her hair next week." Smoothie tells ProRina that she's having a party on Samcheck's yacht on Friday. Bossy/BizarroBette and Tina arrive. I have to call B/BB by both names until I can tell which personality she's tapped into today. Smoothie asks Tina how she's feeling, which sends Tina and special guest speaker B/BB into a dissertation on acid indigestion and other horrors pregnancy. Lord, it's awful. And the other three are feeling my pain. Smoothie chews on her straw, Dana pretends to look interested, and TLLH focuses on the newspaper in front of her. Tina "reminds" them about the ceremony in her prenatal yoga class. Something about the soul entering the fetus at thirteen weeks. And they're all invited. Not just invited, but expected to be there. For the chanting. And the blessing.

Jenny's sitting on Tim's lawn. That's about it. Hey, at least she's not trippin'.

Yoga. BizarroBette and Tina sit in the middle of a circle of women. And, yep, there's chanting. Kit's doing her best to follow along, Smoothie looks bored, TLLH can't believe what she's seeing, and Dana looks terrified/confused. The yoga instructor instructs everyone to sing some song about the sun shining and asks that they all send their blessings to BB, Tina, and the being they're creating. A very pregnant woman sits next to Dana, grabs her hand, and sings. This is where I write, yet another, letter to Erin Daniels, asking her to be my wife. She starts singing along while giving TLLH the greatest "WTF?!" face of all time. Or at least this decade.

The Planet. ProRina's trying to go her goddamn job when she spots Jenny lurking in the back corner, looking like a dirty, homeless hooker. ProRina asks, "What happened to [her]?" Jenny says she's sure ProRina doesn't want to talk to her. Then why the fuck are you hanging around her business, you dumb, dumb ho? ProRina asks if she needs anything. "I need a bath," Jenny replies. HA! She asks if she can go to ProRina's place to clean up. ProRina tells her that she thought Jenny didn't want to see her ever again. Jenny says that she and Tim were together for four years and engaged, so she had to try and make things work with him. ProRina says that Tim loves Jenny and shows her the marks on her arms from her encounter with Tim. She says she's not pressing charges. Jenny admits that she was, "just a coward, a liar, and a cheater." Wow. I've gotta give her props for that. She takes ProRina's arm and kisses it.

Actual California Outdoor Location with Palm Trees. The Gang is walking while Kit pushes a bicycle and says goodbye to the group. Hey, did you guys see that guy who played the bicycle on the Oscars? I'm totally gonna learn how. Tina asks Smoothie how she landed this Friday Night Yacht Party. Samcheck booked it, but he has to go out of town. There's a free bar and sweet cocktail waitresses. Smoothie says she's "sure it'll be Tit." I have no idea. I think Smoothie just makes up words. Hey, the "President" can, why can't we? BizarroBette is sure it will be "Tit," too. She also says that she and Tina won't be able to make it. Tina begins to talk about how she's nesting, "I wish I could descriiiiibe what it feels like." Well, T, it sounds like you're high. Dana says they're okay with her not "descriiiiibing" anything and that they can use their imaginations. Tina proceeds to compare herself to a brooding hen. I like to compare myself to a brooding vampire who fights demon crime. Except I have better hair. TLLH asks if they're ditching the hot girl party to "go home and sit on an egg." Yep. Pregnant couples are weird like that. BB and Tina say goodbye. After they leave, Dana tells the others, "This is so desperate, you guys. We have to go ahead and do this." Smoothie tells them to meet at, "Six o'clock." Oh, the mysterious drama.

Rub a dub dub, Jenny's in the tub. And surprisingly, she's not fucking anyone while she's in there.

The PoorTards'. BizarroBette's home and apologizing for being late AND calling Tina, "Sweetie." I have no idea who this woman is. Maybe she just came to steal a Slurpee from a pregnant lady. But, oh, what's this? Smoothie, Dana, and TLLH are sitting in the living room across from Tina. BB asks Tina what's going on. Tina says that she has no idea. TLLH tells BB to have a seat next to Tina. BB tries to break free, saying she needs to put her stuff away, but Smoothie jumps in and puts it all away for her. Tina reminds Smoothie to put the hot food in the fridge to avoid bacteria growth. TLLH and Dana exchange glances as Tina yammers on about things that can cause birth defects. TLLH is wearing a fabulous pair of glasses and holding a clipboard. She takes notes as Tina continues. BB adds cats to the list of dangerous elements. "Slander against cats. Write that down," Dana says to TLLH. BB asks what TLLH is writing down. TLLH says that the reason they've gathered together, friends and family AKA framily (tm - mad_typist), is to perform an Intervention. Smoothie says that her cousins did it for her uncle and "he hasn't had a drop to drink since they put him in a straight jacket and hauled him off to rehab." "Thank you, for that, [Smoothie]," says TLLH, "Now... I know what you both are thinking..." BB says that she and Tina are totally mystified. TLLH explains that an Intervention is about helping loved ones change destructive patterns of behavior. Over the past 12 weeks, they've noticed a very alarming pattern with BB and Tina. And while they're very happy about the addition of Little GayMo PoorTard, they don't want to lose them to the same thing that happened to other friends of theirs. Janet and Sue. Mimi and Ivy. Xena and Gabrielle. They just got so... boring. BWAHA! BB and Tina don't think they're boring. TLLH says that denial is common and presents them with a list of "incidents" and a multiple choice self assessment test. She passes them a stack of papers. TLLH reads the first offense, which is the time Tina made everyone help her pick out catalog maternity underwear. BB gives Tina a look that says, "You did what?!?" Dana reads Tina a question from the questionnaire. The appropriate answer to the question "Hi! How are ya?" is: "A)Fine thanks, and you?" and "B) I'm feeling a little tired today, but I'm really happy to see you guys" are both acceptable. However, "C) I'm taking Progesterone suppositories and my vaginal discharge is all gooey and brownish and my gums are spongy and bleeding from the hormones and extra blood coursing though my body" is not acceptable. I thinking about putting Smoothie's reading of "C" on my answering machine. Again, BB looks upon Tina with disappointment. TLLH reminds BB that all of the offenses are not limited to Tina. They tell the PoorTards that they all love them, "so much," but things are out of control. TLLH points out that Tina is wearing "fuzzy wuzzy slippers." Aw. I like them. Thus endeth the Intervention. OH MY GOD, TheCute is breeding and its offspring, TheAdorable, is making its way into the PoorTards' lives. BB rests her head in Tina's lap and asks GayMo PoorTard if it's bored by its two mommies. He says no.

Kit's Place. Kit's making a margarita. The phone rings. It's David. He's in town and would like to meet with her.

SkeevyAgentMan's Office. SkeevyAgentMan is going over Dana's contract with Subaru and brings up the "lifestyle clause." He says that it's simply an image thing, "No public drunkenness. No Satan worshiping." Dana knows he's referring to the fact that she's a "gay lady." She asks about Martina Navratilova. SkeevyAgentMan says that while Subaru totally backed Martina's lifestyle in a particular campaign, that doesn't apply to Dana because Martina's a star player. I hate this guy. So much. He says she hot and sexy and this is her chance to cash in because her "Anna Kournikova days are numbered." "Fuck you, [SkeevyAgentman]," says Dana. "Hey, I'm offerin'," is his SKEEVY ASS reply. Oh ew. Ew ew ew. I hope she gets a chance to hit him. A lot. He says she can "be a lez" when she retires, but right now she's "an ass kickin', dick lovin' athlete." Did I mention that I HATE THIS GUY?

Big Gay Yacht Party. BizarroBette and Tina are the first guests to arrive. Smoothie's not even there yet. Oops. Boring. Eh, well. We jump forward in time and the party's picked up. Hey, it's LoftLady from "Lies, Lies, Lies." She strips down and jumps into a hot tub. BB and Tina are by themselves, talking in the corner. TLLH spots them and gives them the evil eye until they start dancing. And dammit, there's that TheAdorable, again.

Speaking of TheAdorable, it's TheCute! CrispyLara's talking dirty to Dana in the middle of a restaurant, but Dana's super aware of the people around her as CrispyLara tries to kiss her. Dana pulls away and tells her that she needs CrispyLara that she can't handle all the PDA (that'd be Public Display of Affection, not Personal Data Assistant). CrispyLara asks if this has anything to do with Subaru or her agent. Dana says she can't stand being judged by CrispyLara about being in the closet. CL says she's sorry if she's been putting too much pressure on Dana, but it's too late. Dana says she can't handle the pressure and doesn't want to be with CL anymore and leaves the restaurant. NOOOOOOOOOO! Sniff. R.I.P. TheCute, Jan. 2004 - Feb. 2004. Beloved Cauterizer of Retinas.

Yacht Party 2004. LisaKrackow and TLLH are chatting it up. He asks what she was doing at 9:15 last night because he was sending her Reiki. BB and Tina overhear and start "whispering" about the boredom that is Reiki conversation. LisaKrackow asks if he can help TLLH relieve some stress with his Reiki. BB makes gagging gestures behind them. Smoothie spots a Sad Sad Dana and asks where her CrispyLara is. Dana lies and says she couldn't make it.

Somewhere on the yacht. LisaKrackow's "doing Reiki" to TLLH. He says it might work better is she takes off her shirt. No problem. Except for the fact that TLLH is wearing a pink bra with a red shirt. But that's just a problem for me, not him.

Out on the deck. TEQUILA! With body shots! For those of you not versed in the finer art of body shots, it's when you lick the salt off of someone else's body and they hold the lime in their mouth. Well, there's actually several variations on the theme, but that is the on that is presented to us here, on Harry Samcheck's Yacht of Lesbian Love/Lust. BB, Dana, and Smoothie are the ones doing the drinking. Tina's been reduced to Salt and Lime Wench in her pregnancy. Dana's feelin' pretty good right about now. And look, it's ProRina and Jenny! And they're already at the "matching outfit" stage in their black pants and beige tank tops. Ew. And that's ew to both the matching and the beige.

Back in TLLH's Lair of LIM seduction. LisaKrackow and TLLH are nearly naked and about to do The Sex. She reaches into his boxer briefs, but he stops her, saying he "has something." That something is a dildo. TLLH doesn't want the fake penis, she wants the real deal. But LisaKrackow doesn't want to do it "that way." TLLH could give a shit. She tells him that he's a man. He says he a "lesbian... man." TLLH moves out of frame and begins to give LisaCrackow an oral presentation on why she likes the penis.

Yacht Deck. Tina's watching Dana perform the Fairbanks Drunken Booty Dance. And might I say, it is a fine, fine performance. Tina says that, "Dana's really getting down with her bad self." BB counters, saying that she'll bet, "her bad self is gonna feel real [sic] bad in the morning." Tina wants to know if there's twelve step programs for people addicted to domesticity. BB takes her hand and they leave.

Outside TLLH's Den of Seduction. LisaKrackow and TLLH step out of the room. TLLH is ecstatic. LisaKrackow? Not so much. TLLH goes to kiss him, but he pulls away. He doesn't say anything and then runs off. TLLH yells after him, "But... we had a good time!" I'm sure he feels used and violated. That'll teach him. Although, it is actually, kind of sad. Like when they won't let Julia Roberts shop on Rodeo Drive in "Pretty Woman."

BB and Tina are down on the dock, escaping from the party. TheAdorable rears its not-so-ugly head when BB holds up her shawl and says, "Here, quick. Slip under my Cloak of Boring so no one will even notice we're gone."

Jenny and ProRina are dancing. Jenny got tan climbing that mountain. When I first saw her I thought it was just dirt. The couple is all "hands in naughty places" as they dance.

Smoothie does a line of coke off of some girl's stomach. After a beat, she gets this confused look on her face like maybe she accidently sucked up some belly button link along the way. She heads down the stairs to find Dana puking over the side of the yacht with TLLH holding her hair back. It's okay Dana, I still love you.

The PoorTards'. BizarroBette brings Tina some warm milk and honey. Tina tells BB that she loves her and thinks she's "the most exciting woman in all of Los Angeles." Hmm... I wonder if that's just residual brainwashing from last week's Power Point presentation. BB looks a little distraught. I think it's because she just realized that it's actually early Saturday morning and she still hasn't found all of the Clip Art she needs for this week's PPP.

Back at the Yacht. TLLH finally realizes that the PoorTards are gone. If she wasn't so busy molesting LIMs, she might catch on a little quicker. Smoothie says they're probably being Boring which, after all is said and done, doesn't sound so bad after all.

ProRina's Place. Jenny's naked in bed with equally naked ProRina. She's wearing Tim's wedding ring on a string around her neck. Fuck that. Grr. Anyway, she starts kissing ProRina's back and puts her hand somewhere below the belt. I'm a little concerned about these two and their knowledge of the female anatomy.

Dana's House of Hungoverness. Someone's knocking at the door. Dana stumbles to answer it, wearing super cute flannel PJ's. If I could woo a fictional character, it'd so be one miss Dana Fairbanks. Sigh. Oh, right. The scene. Okay. SkeevyAgentMan's at the door. He assumes that CrispyLara got her drunk and asks Dana if she's upstairs. But she's not. Because TheCute is dead. Dead! Dana's got a photo shoot with Subaru. She rushes off to make herself presentable while SkeevyAgentMan sits on her couch. I hope she Lysols the shit out of it after he leaves because his "skeeve" is oozing all over the place.

The PoorTards'. I guess Harrison is BizarroBette's personal trainer. I'm getting tired just watching her work out. Harrison says something about Buns of Steele. BB doesn't want Buns of Steele. Kit shows up and says she'll take them as long as she doesn't "have to strap on the torture treatment." Harrison says that "these girls love their strap-ons." BB tells him to shut up. Heh. Kit asks BB to come with her to meet with David. At the mention of David's name, Harrison excuses himself and leaves them alone. I'm taking this to mean that he's aware of the situation, which is a little odd, but since we're seeing more and more of him, maybe he's closer to the group than I thought.

ProRina's Bed of Post Coital Bliss. Jenny asks ProRina if she can bring some of her stuff over, just for a few days until she can get back on her feet and find her own place. They talk about something for a minute, but I couldn't follow it the first time and I can't follow it now. Probably because I don't give a crap and I'm just waiting for the next Dana scene. Long story short, Jenny can't stay with ProRina because Francesca is coming back. She's been away, working. Like, a real job. Not being a cashier at Fake Trader Joe's. Hey, I wonder if Jenny got fired since she was away on her unscheduled sabbatical for so long. Or maybe it was just a couple of days. I can't figure out passage of time for shit on this show. Jenny's pissed about Francesca, so she throws on some clothes, grabs her 8 Mile Black Plastic Bag and heads for the door. ProRina asks her to wait and explains that Francesca is away for half of the year doing her job as a costume designer. Jenny looks at the huge ProRina/Francesca shrine on the wall right next to the front door that no one with eyes could miss on their way into the house. She had to have seen it already. Maybe she thought they were just BFF. Jenny asks what Francesca's last name is. It's Worff. Two F's. Thanks for clarifying, ProRina. We wouldn't want to mistake her for the Klingon. Oh, and Francesca is Red from the episode teaser. You know, the one who gave "the gift of the magi" to the hot girl? "Who are you?" asks Jenny. "Someone who cares for you," says ProRina. She says she's opened up Jenny's world and reaches for her, but Jenny pulls away saying, "Don't... touch me."

Tennis Courts. Dana's tearing it up at the photo shoot. The camera loves her. And so do I. CrispyLara walks by in the distance. Dana is sad.

A Bar. Or maybe it's a restaurant. Kit and BizarroBette are there to meet David. BB suggests not sitting at the bar, but Kit can hack it. They sit. BB orders a mineral water and Kit orders a seltzer water. The bartender kindly offers to add a splash of Rose's Lime. Fancy. Kit reveals that she hasn't had a drink since David called her two days ago. She asks how BB holds everything together. BB gets weird at the mention of her perfect stable life. Kit pegs it as "the daddy blues," because BB is now fully responsible for her family now that Little GayMo's on the way. BB slips off to the restroom. David happens to walk in just as the bartender pours Kit's seltzer water and lime, which looks uncannily like a martini to the untrained eye. David leaves in a disappointed huff.

Tennis Courts. Subaru guy is singing The Praises of Dana Fairbanks. He asks if Dana and SkeevyAgentMan would like to see the preliminary art work for the ad campaign. Yes, dammit. He presents them with an ad that says, "Get out. Stay Out." It seems that Subaru wants to market Dana as the "gay Anna Kournikova." I knew it. Fire Skeevy's ass, Dana! SkeevyAgentMan starts hemming and hawing that this was not an ad they discussed, but Dana jumps in and says she loves it. SkeevyAgentMan starts trying to kiss ass with the Subaru guy, but Dana fires him on the spot. Hell yeah, baby.

The Bar. Kit and BB are still waiting for David. They go to the hotel front desk and ask the clerk to look him up. It seems that he was staying there, but he checked out about forty-five minutes ago.

Haspell's House of Hospitality. Jenny's back. She tells Tim that she needs to stay in the Office Garage Studio that Tim Built for the night because she has nowhere else to go. Tim tells her that anything she says has no meaning to him. Kind of like me and ProRina and Jenny pillow talk. She turns to leave, but he tells her she can have one night. But she has to go around the back. Ouch. Jenny drags her sorry ass around the side of the house to the OGStTB. Dammit, Tim. I'm very disappointed in you. But at least you have a heart. But I'm still angry. But I like you more than I like Jenny. But I still think you're dumb for letting her stay. Sigh.