the one with the crappy decision making marriage

Hey look, I'm back. Who knew? Let's get this sardonic train rolling.

Previously on "The L Word." Some stuff happened. Lesbian stuff.

West Hollywood, California. 1976. Aw. I was but a twinkle in my daddy's eye. Hmm... he used to work in WeHo as a paramedic back then. He said they used to get their asses grabbed a lot. Really? Men in uniform? In the gay community? Ass grabbage? How bizarre. Two guys are in a public restroom. The bigger guy shoves a smaller guy into the wall, then leans on the other wall, unzips his pants and asks if the other guy is "just gonna stand there or [is he] gonna do something with this?" "This" being his man bits. The smaller guy, or Sideburns, moves toward the BigGuy and tries to kiss him, but BigGuy shoves him down toward his crotch and tell him to "take that meat." All the way to the butcher. Moments later, we're outside the restroom in a diner. An old man calls for number 24. BigGuy bursts out of the restroom, waving a police badge saying, "Stephen Green, you fucking faggot, you have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you." I doubt he said a whole lot with that penis in his mouth.

I called up my contacts over at Sparkle Motion and we're working out a dance to the theme song. I'll keep you all posted on our progress.

Tim and Jenny's Bathroom of Morning Ritual. Jenny brushes her teeth. Tim's peeing. ENOUGH with that. Jesus. I will say that I am SO glad to see that they both brushed their teeth before they start kissing. I hate "morning after" moments where people are seriously kissing before they brush. It's so... ew. He picks her up and carries her off as she giggles. Aw. Cute. Not The Cute, but cute.

The Lovely Leisha Hailey's Apartment. TLLH is asleep on the couch, but she wakes up to a noise from another room. Mom of TLLH comes out of the room, saying it wasn't her fault and that the "machine is just..." TLLH walks into the room and says, "What the fu– oh god, mom." I have no clue what just happened. MoT goes over to The Chart and just tags her name on it (it's Lenore, btw) and draws a line right to Smoothie. Ooo. TLLH reenters asking MoT if she has any idea how much the espresso maker costs. Oh. That's what happened. Because for a moment, I was thinking it was some kind of machine in the bathroom and I was afraid to ask. TLLH reprimands MoT for touching the chart. MoT says she understands the purpose of The Chart and that's why she connected herself to Smoothie. Apparently, they had a "moment" after last week's pool party. TLLH needs MoT to tell her exactly what happened. Hmm... I don't think I'd want to know the details of my mother and the local lesbian stud. MoT explains that it was, "A kiss. At first it was casual. But then it became intimate. French." MoT looks awfully proud of herself. TLLH looks like she might throw up.

Wait, Tina's on it. She's running down the hallway, one hand over her mouth, the other carrying the phone as if it were the Olympic torch. (Hey, it's the 20 year anniversary of the 1984 Olympic Games in Los Angeles. See, I AM aware of these things.) She ducks into the bedroom, hands off the phone to BossyBette and launches herself into the bathroom. BB asks if she's okay. Tina answers by slamming the door and making vomitous sounds. BB's dad is on the phone. She tells him everything is "just great." We hear Tina throwing up again. Fabulous.

Kit's writing a letter to David. She writes, "This is your mother," then crosses out "your mother" and replaces it with "Kit." I really like her penmanship. It's better than mine.

Tina's lying on the bed. BossyBette's wonders what her father's going to say when they tell him about the baby. She's convinced he'll be "so excited" and asks what they should tell him if he inquires about a last name. Maybe Kennard-Porter. Tina doesn't even want to bring it up, saying BB knows "how [her] father is." BB's visibly put off by that statement, "How is he?" Tina dodges the bullet by jumping back on the baby name train, saying that the should combine names instead of hyphenating them. BB suggests Portard. Tina speaks for all living people everywhere when she says, "Hey, PoorTard, how's your two moms, you big GayMo." BWAHAHAHAHA. And from this point on, they shall forever be The PoorTards (tm - Bugbrain). BB suggests Kenter, which is not nearly as fabulous as PoorTard, then drops the subject.

The Tennis Courts. Dana's just finished a training session. And, uh oh, CrispyLara's there to watch. Hold on, let me put on my The Cute reflective shades. Okay, ready. Ew, it's SkeevyAgentMan. And he's wearing The Cute reflective shades, too! "Who is the sexiest tennis player in the world," asks CrispyLara. Dana answers with Anna Kournikova. That's what I said. They kiss. Dana and CrispyLara. Not Dana and Anna Kournikova. But that'd be neat. I'm sorry, what was I saying? Oh yeah, they kiss. But SkeevyAgentMan interrupts them. He looks at them for a moment, then asks Dana to "Guess who's having an event tonight and wants you to come?" CripsyLara pops in with, "Subaru?" SkeevyAgentMan bitchily asks if she's Dana's psychic then explains that Subaru's hosting a charity dinner and they'd like Dana to be there. CrispyLara starts talking all dirty-like in Dana's ear, only to be interrupted (again!) by SkeevyAgentMan. They apologize, but then he offers himself as a sex partner if they "ever wanna mix it up." Oh, ew. I HATE that. So much. Now I'm cranky. He backtracks saying he was just kidding. CrispyLara excuses herself to go back to work, giving SkeevyAgentMan an icy glare as she walks away. He still insists it was a joke, tells Dana that CrispyLara's "cute, really cute," then tells her to bring Harrison to the dinner. "He's your doubles partner, it's what people want to see." Okay, here's where I'm going to say something that I've been thinking about ever since they brought Subaru into the show. Subaru is a very gay friendly company. They advertise in the magazines of the gay community and even have special ads for said magazines. I'm having a huge problem believing that Subaru would EVER have issues with Dana's sexuality. That being said, it may be SkeevyAgentMan projecting his own crap on the situation. We'll see.

The Planet. Smoothie's telling TLLH that she'd love to be able to deny the story about her and MoT, but she can't because it's true. Smoothie tells her that she was "saying goodbye and then the next thing [Smoothie knew] she just... fuck." Yeah, fuck. That's what TLLH is thinking. TLLH says she can never be gay again. Smoothie tells TLLH that MoT is sexy for her age. TLLH wraps a couch pillow around her head and starts singing the Oscar Meyer Bologna song. Smoothie tells her that MoT came on to her and that, "she's wild." "Why is [MoT] such a slutty, slutty chicken chasing pervert?" asks TLLH. HA! TLLH rants that she's kicking out MoT and not driving her to Palm Springs. She notices that two guys are staring at Smoothie. One of them is Harry Samcheck. Smoothie says Harry thinks she's a guy and that, "those fucking gay Hollywood Mafia fags think [she's] some twink they can pick up on." My spell checker knows all those words, except for "twink." It must not watch QAF. Some guy who looks like her could be Smoothie's brother is being incredibly picky about which pastry he purchases. Smoothie gives him some brief, affectionate shit, then hugs him. The guy waves to Harry Samcheck, Smoothie asks if they're friends, then lovingly calls the guy a fucking asshole. He asks if he can stay with her, but she says she doesn't have any room because she now has three roommates and one bedroom. She leaves and he goes to chat with Harry Samcheck.

The CU Bus. The swim team's off to a meet. Tim's about to board the bus when he realizes that he's missing his lucky stopwatch. Randy gives him shit about being superstitious, until Tim reminds him that he's wearing his lucky Garfield boxers. Hee. Oh, and then the stupid ass bird mascot gets on the bus. In full costume. Has anyone else seen Trigger Happy TV?

The Office Garage Studio that Tim Built. ProRina and Jenny are hanging out on the baywindowbed. ProRina's reading Jenny's Buffy/Faith fan fiction and says it has amazing potential. Ouch. Jenny doesn't like that. ProRina tells her that "writing is rewriting." Damn right. And I hate every moment of it. The rewriting. Not the writing. ProRina asks if she's the demon in question in Jenny's fan fic... er, story.

The PoorTards(!). Tina's trying on eleventeen different outfits. She settles on a sundress. What's with these women and sundresses?! Kit shows up, raving about "vitamins for women" as if they were just invented. Probably by Tim. Kit says Tina's dress is cute, but Tina's worried it makes her look fat and that Melvin will let her know within five minutes of meeting her. Kit asks if she's talking about the Melvin that is her father. Yep, that's the one. Tina rambles on about how BossyBette wants to tell Melvin about the baby in person.

Dun dun dun. Tim's home. He's looking for a stopwatch. He's about to find trouble. Out in the OGStTB, ProRina's giving Jenny that belly button piercing she's wanted ever since she saw that Aerosmith video with Alicia Silverstone. And she's using her teeth. I'm assuming Ramon Montoya, sex choreographer to the stars was unavailable the day they shot this. Maybe they needed him over at "Sex in the City." And, oh crap, Tim's there. I REALLY like this scene. No one says anything. Jenny just pulls her clothes on as Tim stands there, shocked. ProRina doesn't even bother putting her shirt on, she just picks it up and squeezes past Tim as he stands in the doorway. He walks over to Jenny, stares at her, bends down to pick up the fan fic... er, story, then throws it at her. Yay, Tim!

Over at the PoorTards, Tina's crashed out on the bed. BossyBette's home. She wakes Tina up and tells her that they need to leave in half an hour. Tina says she just needs to put on her make up. BB's not down with the sundress and goes to pick out something else. She tells Tina to take the tags off the present she bought for her father. Damn, she's bossy. Who knew? Oh wait, I did. Tina pulls a tie out of the bag BB brought home. The tag reads $300. BB asks why Tina called her earlier. Tina says she didn't, maybe it was Kit, since she stopped by to drop off the amazing scientific dietary development they're calling "vitamins." BB hopes Tina didn't tell Kit about Melvin being in town. Oops. BB then reams Tina for all the shit in Kit's life that really has nothing to do with her. Tina says that BB didn't brief her on what she could and couldn't say to people. She didn't? I figured Saturday mornings were spent watching BB's latest "dos and don'ts" Power Point presentation.

Tim's outside, leaning against his manly muscle car, pressing the button on his stopwatch over and over again until he cracks the face of the watch.

Exterior. Hotel. Night. BossyBette's on the phone with her father, saying "Do you see me? I can see you?" She totally turns into a child every time she talks to him. She tells Tina to get out and flag him down. Sigh. He sees them and meets them at the car. Tina gets in the back. Let me say that again. BB allows her pregnant life partner to climb in the back seat of the car. Tina tosses the tie to Melvin telling him it's from BB. He loves it, telling BB she's got "the eye." Tina's hating every moment of this. I don't blame her.

The CU bus. The CU girls didn't win the meet. Damn you, Jenny, for making Tim break the lucky watch! These girls could have been Olympians! I curse you! America curses you! Jenny runs up, begging Tim to forgive her. He demands the ring back. She tells him to take it off of her. Okay. He grabs her and tries to take it off of her. But Randy breaks them up, telling Tim not to beat on her in front of him and the team. Jenny keeps saying she's fine. No one cares, Jenny. Randy gets back on the bus and it drives away. Jenny says it was all a mistake and it was like she was watching herself do all of these terrible things and not being able to stop it. Tim asks why she couldn't stop it and asks when it started. Jenny says it was the first time and that they didn't even talk. Oh god. She IS my ex. She would totally just keep on telling shit lies things to keep her ass out of trouble, when it would just be better to come clean. Oy. Tim can't seem to grasp the idea of them going from not talking to the belly button piercing scene he witnessed. He says he thought they would spend the rest of their lives together. "Why can't we?" she asks. LORD JESUS. Tim can't take it. He walks to his car as she begs him to stay and talk to her saying, "Tim, please, please, don't leave me. Because if you leave me, I think that I'll die." Okay, to anyone who thinks that Jenny's weird bipolarity is simply a result of shoddy acting? It's not. It's dead on. I've seen this first hand. Mia Kirshner's either a fabulous actress or she's channeling my ex girlfriend. So there. She tells him that she loves him and she just want to be his wife. "You wanna be my wife?" he asks. "Yes, more than anything else." He tells her to get in the car.

Dana's Place. Ooo... nice digs, Dana. She comes down the stairs, in a fancy dress. One of her earrings drops as she tries to put it on. Because she can't bend over in the dress, she has to do this hilarious "squatty bendy reach" thing. I'm telling you, Erin Daniels? Totally the next John Ritter. Harrison's mixing up protein vodka shakes. The doorbell rings. It's CrispyLara. She's brought some dresses because she wasn't sure what Dana was wearing and she didn't want to look like twins. Oh, by the way? Couples that look alike? They freak me out. Harrison reappears and CrispyLara suddenly realizes that she's not Dana's date. As much as I like CrispyLara, it was a little presumptuous of her to just automatically assume... but then again, Dana should have told her what was up. Blame all around! It's on me. Dana tries to explain that it was SkeevyAgentMan who set everything up and that she's just trying to be consistent by bringing Harrison. Dana admits she should have called her. CrispyLara agrees that would have been nice and leaves. Harrison tells Dana that she did the right thing and that, "Out and proud does not sell cars." Huh. It seems to work for SUBARU! I remember an ad for the Subaru Outback where the license plate said XNARULS. Funny, funny.

The Planet. Tim and Jenny are there. Jenny's telling Tim that they "don't have to do this." They find ProRina and Jenny tells her they need to talk. ProRina offers to go into the office, but Tim says Jenny can say her piece right where they are. Jenny goes on to say that their "incident" was a terrible mistake and will never happen again and that she will never see ProRina ever again. She follows up with, "Do you understand that?" which really makes me want to hit her. ProRina doesn't respond until Tim gets in her face asking when everything started. Jenny's eyes get wide, because she knows ProRina can make of break this deal. Again, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. The Pro that is ProRina says it never started and that he saw all there was to see. I did the same thing, except when I found out that my "Jenny" had been lying about a bunch of other crap, I called the guy up and told him everything that ever happen. He and I? Still friends. She and I? Not so much. Smoothie breaks some balls. On the pool table, pervs. BoySmoothie, AKA Clive, runs up telling Smoothie that Harry Samcheck was very excited to find out that Smoothie did P!nk's mohawk for the "Bitter Pill" video. Mmm... I like that video. Clive says that Harry wants to recommend Smoothie to all his friends. Smoothie's wary about the offer because Harry thinks she's a guy and she's "not into that" ever since she found another job. She's not happy to hear that Clive is staying with Harry, but he insists it's not bad since he's off the streets and in a 30 million dollar mansion. Smoothie doesn't like that. She tells him he can stay with her for one week.

TLLH's place. MoT is packing up and on her way out. TLLH's brother, Nelson, is outside honking the horn. MoT says it makes her "feel like one of those fast girls in high school whose boyfriends can even bother to come to the door." Heh. Fast girls. TLLH promises to tell her brother's kids to call MoT "Bunny" and not "Grandma." She also tells Bunny that she talked to Smoothie and that Smoothie thinks she's "wild.." Bunny doesn't want to hurt Smoothie's feelings, but she's "afraid it can't go any further." Silly, Bunny. And damn it all to hell that I don't have a follow up to that.

Dinner with Daddy. BossyBette's recounting the exciting tale of how she landed the Peggy Peabody collection. Melvin praises her, saying she's his child and can do anything she sets out to do. He asks what Tina thinks of his girl. She thinks BB's amazing. He asks how her career is going. He also calls her Miss Kennard. BB tells him that Tina's not working because she's doing something "important." The waiter takes their drink orders. Why am I not surprised that BB orders for Tina? BB and Tina are holding hands, but BB lets go after she notices that Melvin's looking at them. Then she makes Tina drop the Baby Bomb. BB, you're killin' me. Tina's like, "Okay, we're having a baby!" Melvin doesn't get it. He claims he's not familiar with the proper response. BB's sure wishes he was more excited. Melvin says it's biologically impossible for this child to be considered his grandchild. He says he's happy for BB if that's what she wants in her "friendship with Miss Kennard," but he can't be expected to accept the child as his grandchild. The waiter reappears to talk about Chilean sea bass. They all want him to go away. He gives them a minute. Tina explains about how they used the sperm of a big black man. Melvin doesn't see how that should make him feel closer to the child any more than before. Neither do I. Oh, the waiter's back to talk about more icky sounding food. Tina excuses herself and says she's not feeling well and that she's going home. Melvin begins to order dinner. Stupid BB stays where she is and doesn't follow THE PREGNANT MOTHER OF HER CHILD out the door.

Wedding Chapel. They're playing some majorly bitchin' muzak. Tim's looking up "homosexuality" in the back of a big white The Holy Bible while Jenny grooves to the muzak. A woman "yoo hoos" from a staircase. She leads them into the chapel, asking if they've given "this" a lot of thought. She wakes up a sleeping man in a chair saying, "Jerry, get up!" ChapelGal says that her husband Jerry will be the witness. Jenny asks how long they've been married. Thirty two years. Oh, and P.S. that "Jenny" girl I dated? Totally ran off and got married in Vegas.

Later. The Honeymoon Suite. Jerry lets them into the room, giving them pancake house advice. He leaves. Jenny jumps on the bed. Tim cracks open some champagne and Jenny proposes a toast to Mr. and Mrs. Haskell. Jenny thinks the minister was pretty great. Tim asks if it's because she was a woman. Jenny jumps on his lap and starts trying to feel him up until he asks her to take a shower. Oh yeah. Remember that part, Jenny? With ProRina and the belly button ring? Yeah, you haven't showered since then.

CrispyLara's. Someone knocks on the door. It's a Sad Sad (but very cute) Dana. CripsyLara invites her in. SadSadDana says she sorry and feels bad for screwing things up. CrispyLara's willing to forgive her as long as she starts "taking at least some steps toward being out." Ooo. Now, this sounded a little harsh to me, at first, but part of Dana's problem is her inability to just tell people to step off. Like SkeevyAgent Man. So, for now, I agree with CrispyLara. She pulls Dana to the couch and tells her she'll be miserable if she stays in the closet. And she is "really, really gay." Oh, The Cute. It just snuck up on me. Someone pass the eye drops. CrispyLara tells Dana that when she hides The Gay she's hiding the best part of herself. CripsyLara's just thinks that because it's The Gay part of Dana that has all The Sex with her.

The Haskell Honeymoon Suite. Jenny's giving Tim a hand job. Tim's thinking about Trish's Physics study schedule. Or maybe accounting. Or maybe the Pope. Or George Wendt.

Kit's Casa. It's throwing a kick back. Would that be a Kit back? BossyBette's there to bitch about Melvin to her sister who wasn't even graced with a telephone call when he rolled into town. And her wallet's too small for her fifties and her diamond shoes are too tight! Thus spoke Chandler Bing. Kind of. Kit tells BB that Melvin's an "old fashioned man and a bigot in his own right." BB doesn't want to hear it.

The Morning After. Tim's rolling up a note and sliding his wedding ring over the paper. He sets it on the pillow next to a sleeping Jenny and then slips out the door.
Kit knocks on the door of Melvin's hotel room. She announces herself as "Katie." He answers and tells her that if she'd like to speak with him, they can arrange something at a more appropriate time. She correctly figures that he was awake doing his five AM sit ups. Kit's there to tell him that he's being a butthead about the baby situation. He claims that calling the child his grandchild would be a lie. Kit tells him not to take his problems with her out on BB. She also tells him that she knows he was responsible for the letter from David. She hands Melvin the medical forms and asks him to pass them along.

Tim's Car. He's going FAST. Like MoT. Sirens. Tim pulls over. An older, grayer version of the BigGuy from the teaser appears in his driver's side window. BigGuy asks if he's been drinking. Tim says he had a glass of champagne to celebrate his marriage. BigGuy asks where the little Mrs. is. Tim tells him about how Jenny cheated on him. BigGuy says it doesn't make much sense to run off and get married. I KNOW! [/Monica Gellar] BigGuy asks is Tim watches pornography, then goes into some speech about lesbians in porn and how men think it's really hot until they realize that the girls are too busy doing each other to even care about the guy. My point, exactly. He talks more, but I don't really care. It's not relevant. He lets Tim go.

Honeymoon Sweet of Lonliness. Jenny wakes up. She's topless and wearing her torn up pantyhose. No one sleeps in pantyhose. Dumb Jenny. She finds the note Tim left on the pillow. She pulls of the ring and unrolls it. It's blank. Oh, damn. THAT'S GOOD. We should totally take screencaptures of the paper and write in our own messages on PSP.

See you next time.