Enter the Matrix Walkthrough A helpful guide to those in need.

OK, I bet that you just came onto this part of the site by curiosity of what TSOTK is. *Far away: Jim: Honey! What the hell is this?* Well, it was written by my good friend Will Schlesinger, a. k. a. Ink. The story is a spoof of The Lord of the Rings. It stars me, Ink, and a few of my other friends (some of who were created through imagination). Yes, I know what you're thinking. Two lonely kids with too much time on their hands. Well, the story stars Legolaz, (me!) the alternate universe counterpart of Legolas from the Lord of The Rings Series. Instead of being entrusted with a ring like Frodo, he is given a sword that... well, just read it. You may find this funny even if you never read the book or saw the movie, but you may find it funnier if you have. You'll also find this funny if you've seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail. You may recognize jokes taken from this and other movies, comic strips, and TV shows. So read and enjoy!

NOTE: THE FOLLOWING IS WITH APOLOGIES TO THE LORD OF THE RINGS SERIES, AND OTHER VARIOUS SHOWS AND MOVIES WHERE THESE JOKES HAVE BEEN TAKEN FROM. 

NOTE: IF THIS OFFENDS YOU, FEEL FREE TO CONTACT INK BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 12:00 MIDNIGHT THROUGH 12:01 MIDNIGHT, ON ALL DAYS OF THE WEEK EXCEPT MONDAY THROUGH FRIDAY AND WEEKENDS.  HE'LL WATCH YOU THROUGH YOUR MONITER AND CALL YOU.

TSOTK

Now, here we join the elf Legolaz, who is on a mystical quest throughout the land of Center-Earth. Now he is on a journey to the city of Sacremento, where he is to meet King Arnold of Schwarzenegger. Yet his travels have brought us to the majestic Reservoir Falls…

Legolaz: The beggar in Silmaril City told me that the warrior by the name of SilcenDice stands upon the top of this waterfall swinging a chain with a metal claw on the end.

SlicenDice: Swinging a chain, swinging a chain…

Legolaz: I will fight him with every fiber of my strength and agility and…
SlicenDice: Shut the heck up and get over here.
Legolaz: Taste my blade! (chucks throwing knife)
SlicenDice: Haha! (Uses chain whip to block, then goes to whip Legolaz)

At that point, Legolaz learned something very important… METAL CLAWSS HURT LIKE CRAP, MAN!

Clarwen: Wake up, Legolaz! Legolaz, wake up!
Legolaz: Where am I?
King Arnold: In the city of Sacremento. Welcome to California. Our professional Clarwen has been healing your chain wounds.
Legolaz: Um, ok. Thank you. (goes to shake her hand)
Clarwen: Don't touch me.
King Arnold: Come. We have much to speak of.

Legolaz: Why have you summoned me here?
King Arnold: I have a favor to ask of you.
Legolaz: I was almost slain by a dude with a bad nickname, but I'll listen.
King Arnold: (unsheathes his sword) Do you see this sword?
Legolaz: No, I'm blind.
King Arnold: Oh, ok. (starts to put the sword away)
Legolaz: No, I was kidding!
King Arnold: Well I wasn't. You see this is a magical sword. The blade can only be seen by the kindest and most pure hearted of all elves.
Legolaz: So? Does that mean you can run around and cut up bad guys without them seeing you cut at them?
King Arnold: Precisely. But you can't judge a sword by its magical ability. In truth, this is an evil sword. The more the owner wields the sword, the more corrupt and evil they will be. It is a weapon of self-destruction. By using it, you will close your own fate.
Legolaz: Eh, there's always a catch.
King Arnold: The only way the weapon can be destroyed is to cast it into the bottomless pit in the center of the Dark Canyon in the south of the Kree Peninsula. I need you to travel there and destroy this evil artifact. The journey wil be long And perilous. Can I trust you to do this favor for me?
Legolaz: That's not a favor! That's like asking a beetle to cut down the tree in your backyard! What's wrong with you? WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THIS? IT MAKES NO LOGICAL SENSE! YOU CAN GET THERE FASTER THAN ME WITHOUT GETTING HURT AND TOSS IT IN LIKE A BASKETBALL IN A HOOP!
King Arnold: Ssh! Calm down, John Conner.
Legolaz: I'LL ONLY DO THIS STUPID QUEST IF YOU JUST ANSWER ONE DUMB LITTLE QUESTION!!!
King Arnold: Sure, what's that?
Legolaz: I thought you were a governor. How come you're a king in this story?
King Arnold: For the same reason you're doing this quest. Because it's a fictional story.
Legolaz: Ok.

King Arnold: This is Legolaz. He has volunteered to travel to Kree and destroy the Acursed Sword.
Legolaz: Yet I need protection.
Voxagorn: You have my sword!
Andalf: And my staff!
Dimli: And my axe!
Legolaz: Wow! I have companions!
King Arnold: Thus, the Fellowship of the King…
Dimli: What are you talking about?
(Dimli, Voxagorn, and Andalf all hand Legolaz their weapons, then walk away)
King Arnold: Uh, the Oneship of the King…
Legolaz: I could've seen that coming.
King Arnold: Forgive them. They have important business to take care of. Now, travel light. Only stop at night. Stay off the beaten path. All the evil forces of the world are out to get that sword, and use its great power.
Legolaz: Thank you, King Arnold of Schwarzenegger.

Legolaz is now on the road. His inventory consists of his pouch of 15 throwing knives, Voxagorn's Sword, Andalf's Magic Scepter, Dimli's axe, some food, and a pouch full of medicines and antidotes. He was heading for the docks where he could rent a boat and sail across the lake. All of a sudden, he sees a knight dressed in ink-black armor slay another, and with great triumph, did a little dance.
Legolaz: Fine work, my good man. My name is Legolaz. I am on my way to the Mary Lake Docks. Unfortunately, I do not know the way. Could I ask of your assistance?
Ink Knight: (nothing)
Legolaz: Ok, never mind. Of course, I am sure that the path continues on this way, so I must continue. Will you let me pass?
Ink: No one gets past me.
Legolaz: I'm sorry, but I do not wish to fight you.
Ink: No one gets past me without a fight.
Legolaz: Oh, it's a bout you want, then? Ok, draw your sword. (Draws Voxagorn's sword)
(Ink draws his sword and he goes to attack, but Legolaz swiftly dodges and makes a vertical cut, chopping Ink's sword wielding arm off.)
Legolaz: Yes! (goes to put away his sword) Now I will continue my journey.
Ink: What are you talking about? (starts punching Legolaz) The battle isn't over yet!
Legolaz: What do you call that?!?
Ink: Just a scratch!
Legolaz: Just a scratch? Your arms' off!!!
Ink: Merely a flesh wound! Now come back here, the battle isn't over yet!
Legolaz: (spins around and cuts off Ink's other arm) There. Now the battle is won.
Ink: No! (starts kicking Legolaz) Come here and fight me, you pansy!
Legolaz: (cuts off legs) There. Now you can't follow me. I'll be on my way.
Ink: NO! Come back! It's just a flesh wound! It'll grow back! Come back here, you chicken! Come here! I'll bite your neck!!!    

Two guards sit up on a tower, keeping watch, when they here hoofbeats in the distance. They look over the edge until they see a man skipping toward them, hitting two coconuts together like hoofbeats.

Guard 1: Who goes there?
Legolaz: It is I, Legolaz of Sacremento! And my trusty steed!
Guard 2: What steed? Where's your horse?
Legolaz: Right here! Can't you see it?
Guard 1: You're hitting two coconuts together!
Legolaz: So?
Guard 2: How'd did you get those coconuts? They only grow in tropical regions, and we're in a temperate area!
Legolaz: Well, um, I don't know. Maybe a swallow carried one here when it migrated.
Guard 1: No, the swallows aren't strong enough to carry both of those heavy coconuts.
Guard 2: Perhaps it was an African swallow?
Guard 1: Perhaps, but the African swallows don't migrate. I don't see how they could obtain one.
Guard 2: I'm pretty sure they do migrate, though.
Guard 1: No, I think you're thinking of the South American Swallows.
Guard: Yes, but don't coconuts grow in that area?
(Legolaz shrugs and walks away)

Here we rejoin Legolaz on his mystic quest, as he continues toward the Kree Peninsula to destroy the Accursed Sword in the bottomless pit. Now he is on the western side of the river. He had just crossed from the eastern side where he defeated the Ink Knight. But suddenly…

Legolaz: Oh no! Bandits!
Bandits: Search him. I want anything good he's got on him.
Legolaz: No, wait!
Bandit 1: Nice sword… (rips sword from sheath) What is this, a trickk?!? There's no blade! (SLICE) Ow! Who cut me? (SLICE) Ow, my foot!
Legolaz watches in amazement as the bandit cuts himself up, oblivious to the blade's whereabouts.
Bandit Leader: Bruce! Put that handle down! It's the handle of the Accursed Sword!
Bruce: Oh! Ok! (SLICE) Ow!
Bandit Leader: What errand do you possibly have that involves this sword?
Legolaz: I will tell you if you agree to making an alliance with me.
Bandit Leader: Of course. Men, put away your weapons.
Legolaz: I'm on my way to the peninsula of Kree to destroy this weapon…
Bandit Leader: I see. Now, can you see the blade?
Legolaz: Clearly.
Bandit Leader: I will be honest with you. I cannot. How I wish I could!
Legolaz: If you truly wish to have the pure heart to see this sword, I can trust you.
Bandit Leader: There's a wizard who lives in a tower at the foot of the Terminan Mountains. He will tell me how I may have the power to be good. And now in the presence of the sword, I finally have a rightful test that I can prove myself. If I can see the blade, then I will be much better.
Legolaz: Your first thing to do would be to return all the stolen goods you have back to their owners.
Bandit Leader: But, we need to live! There's good pay in thievery!
Legolaz: Tell you what. I will pay you ten galleons a day if you protect me and return what you stole.
Bandit Leader: Are you CRAZY? Men, kill him!
Legolaz: Each.
Bandit Leader: Never mind. (shakes hands with Legolaz) My name is Guyahl. 
Bruce: Come, the wizard's tower is on the way. We can also return the stolen goods on the way.

Bruce: Well, so far we returned 4 platinum watches, 3 DVD players, 7 golden goblets, 2 bottles of liquor, and 695 galleons.
Legolaz: Geez, this is like selling girl scout cookies!
Guyahl: Oh yeah, I hated doing that, but I always sold the most boxes. I even got this cool badge once…
Legolaz: Riiight.
Wizard: Aah, visitors. I am the great wizard Sourman. Who might you be?
Legolaz: I am Legolaz of Sacremento. I am on a quest to cast this Accursed Sword into the never-ending void of the bottomless pit. These are my companions, Guyahl and his horde of barbarian bandits.
Bandits: Hurr hurr huh huh ha!
Sourman: And what can I do for you?
Guyahl: I need your advice.
Sourman: I see. Well, come into my personal quarters. The rest of you can wait here, the maid will tend to you.
(Sourman and Guyahl leave, maid walks in)
Legolaz: Clarwen?!? What are you doing here?!?
Clarwen: Well, old man Sourman's getting older, and somebody needs to provide his proper medication and diet advice.
Legolaz: Can't he just magic himself healthier?
Clarwen: Uh, he had a run-in with the Wicked Witch of the East. Long story. He wouldn't tell me, but it involves a rusty sink and a pile of bird crap.
Legolaz: Um, sure.
Clarwen: Would you like some snacks? I got chips, soda, and pretzels.
Bruce: Yum!
(moan)
Legolaz: What was that?
Clarwen: I'm sorry, we have someone staying with us in the backroom, recovering from an injury. I must attend to him. (leaves)

Sourman: That is all I can tell you, Guyahl. The rest is up to you. Never tell anyone of what we have spoken. You will tell Bruce and the others only when the timing is right.
(Suddenly, Voxagorn, Dimli, and Andalf burst in)
Voxagorn: Sourman! I can hear the ogres coming! They're here for the Accursed Sword!
Sourman: Oh no! Guyahl! Gather up your men. Take Clarwen and the lodger and leave here! There's a barn full of horses that you can take out back! Dimli, Voxagorn, Andalf and I will flee to the mountains to the dwarf mines of Gloria. We will meet on the other side of the mountains. Hurry!

Will: Hey Clarwen! Help, I'm feeling dizzy!
Clarwen: I'm sorry. We have visitors.
Will: Oh, are they talking to Sourman?
Clarwen: No, only one. The others are in the main hall drinking soda.
Will: Who?
Clarwen: Some guy named Legolaz.
Will: Legolaz?!? (he groans, then faints) 

Guyahl: Legolaz! We have to run! The ogres are coming!
Legolaz: What?
Guyahl: Sourman has already fled to the Terminan Mountains! We have to leave now! Grab the maid and the tenant!
Clarwen: (carrying a limp body) I already know. Let's go!
Guyahl: There's a barn with some horses out back!
Bruce: Here ma'am, let me carry that man!
Clarwen: Don't call me ma'am. (shoves Will into Bruce's arms)

Legolaz: Listen there's ten of us and fifty of them! Come on, we can do it!
Guyahl: Protect the maid and the injured man at all costs!

Legolaz draws Dimli's axe and cuts at the closest ogre. Guyahl fires his bow at another, and it screams in agony. Clarwen keeps running, and punches out an especially ugly ogre. Bruce is slowed down by the body but keeps going. he ogres, punch, kick, and bite away at the warriors. By the time they got to the stables, all of the ogres were dead. Most of Guyahls bandits had perished. The only remaining people were Legolaz, Guyahl, Clarwen, and the injured tenant.
Legolaz: Quick! We must ride now before more ogres come!
Guyahl: Bruce! My best friend and business partner! He's dead!
Legolaz: We have no time for a decent burial! The ogres are coming!
Will: Unh… what's going on?
Clarwen: We'll explain later. (puts Will on the horse and climbs up after him) Let's go!
Legolaz: The best we can do is to gather up the weapons of his enemies and put him in a boat, and send his body down the river.
Guyahl: Let us do so.

Legolaz: We will miss you, Bruce. (pushes canoe into the water)
Guyahl: You were a great warrior.
Will: Doesn't this river go down to a waterfall?
Legolaz: What?
Will: This river. There's a waterfall at the end.
Guyahl: You idiot!
Legolaz: It wasn't my fault!
Guyahl: You told me this river empties into the ocean!
Legolaz: I didn't know!
Clarwen: Hello? Can we go now?

And thus, the departure of Bruce and the breaking of the Banditship. Meanwhile…

Dimli: Uh… I think the mines of Gloria are that way…
> Andalf: Fool of a took! We've already been that way!
Voxagorn: We must continue to travel before the sun sets.
Sourman: We'll never catch up with Legolaz if we can't find the way to the mines of Gloria.
Dimli: (picking his nose) Um…
Voxagorn: (draws sword and holds it at Dimli's throat) Inside that tiny head of yours is the path to Gloria. And we want to know where it is.
Dimli: I like pointy things! (Puts his finger of the tip) Ow! Hey! I'm using that finger! (starts picking his nose again)
Voxagorn: No! Now my blade has been soiled with the mucus of an ignoramus!
Andalf: Fool of a took! You fools have delayed my travels long enough! I should have taken that bloody sword when I had the chance! Falco! Come!
Suddenly, a beautiful silver phoenix flies out from behind a mountain cliff and swoops down. Andalf jumps on its back and whispers to Falco.
Falco: Caw CAWWWWWW!
And with that, Andalf flew away.
Sourman: That traitor! He's leaving us here to die!
Voxagorn: Hark! An avalanche!
Sourman: Aaaaaahhhh!!!
Dimli: Hurr hurr!
Sourman: Get down!
Voxagorn: We cannot survive! We must find Gloria!
Sourman: Let's go!
Dimli: Wait for me!
Voxagorn: He's following us!
Sourman: Run faster!

It's days later, and the companions finally reach Bobbiton. They stayed at the inn of the Frolicking Frog where Sourman said they would meet, but unfortunately he never came.

Legolaz: (sitting at the bar drinking ale) I can't believe Sourman went all through the mountains by himself. He's really old.
Guyahl: Oh, no. He went with three other fellows. A ranger, a wizard, and a dwarf.
Legolaz: Was the ranger about my height?
Guyahl: Yeah.
Legolaz: And was the dwarf a little… slow?
Guyahl: Define "slow."
Legolaz: A Silmarrilian Horn-backed Sloth with an IQ of 4.
Guyahl: That's fast compared to this guy. He was a  complete idiot. I bet he went home and stared at a carton of juice because it said concentrate.
Legolaz: I know them! They blew me off at Sacremento! Said they had important business to tend to!
Guyhal: Whatever…

Clarwen: You're making a fast recovery. Faster than any other guy who's had his appendages cut off.
Will: I don't believe it.
Clarwen: Yes, it's quite amazing.
Will: Not that! Legolaz, I met him before.
Clarwen: What?
Will: He's the guy who cut my arms and legs off!
Clarwen: But, he's a nice guy!
Will: Who can blame him? I was dressed in black and I had just killed another guy in front of him.
Clarwen: What are you going to do?
Will: I say that the Ink Knight is going to pay him a visit after dark!

My name is Legolaz. We have traveled the fields of Brohan searching for the captured Bobbits, Mippin and Perry. My companions- a barbarian bandit named Guyahl. A young hobbit named Flodo. And a ticked off birthday boy named Bumbo.
Legolaz: I smell the Wraithwings trail. They've headed for Laughlorien Forest.
Guyahl: Let's go.
We traveled for days. I tracked. Guyahl encouraged. Bumbo prayed for the lost boys. Flodo complained that his feet hurt, despite the fact that they were big, hairy and looked like giant rats. Soon, wed reached Laughlorien Forest.
Legolaz: This forest is old. It holds the spirits of crazed warriors who have gone insane trying to escape the evil monsters that walk its paths.
Hah ha ha hah Hee hee hee!
Guyahl: Hence, Laughlorien.
Flodo: This place is creepy.
Heh heh hee hee! Mine…
Bumbo: What was that?!?
Legolaz: We must continue. We cannot stop.
?: Where are you going, travelers?
Legolaz: (gasp)
Bumbo: We are tracking a horde of ogres.
Guyahl: Show your face.
?: I'm afraid I cannot. I have none.
Flodo: What the…?
(Then, a boulder with two eyes and a mouth stands up. It has arms and legs, and waves at them)
Orinthe: I am Orinthe, of the Rox family. My father was granite and my mother was diamond.
Guyahl: Right. Could you show us the way out?
Orinthe: Yes, of course. Come with me.
Bumbo: Cool. We found a talking rock.
Orinthe: That's Orinthe, to you, Baggins.
Bumbo: How… how did you…?
> Orinthe: Rocks see all, you know.
Guyahl: Then why do you never brag about it?
Orinthe: Are you kidding? Have you ever heard of magnetism before? It's our form of communication. My great-grandfather invented it. Iron. Smart man.

Will had been knocked out from the tough adventure and Clarwen's blow that he had been asleep for days. He awoke one morning to find that Clarwen had already paid the bill and left without him. He packed his things and had a drink at the bar before he set out.
Will: I have to track down Legolaz and Guyahl. I can't tell if I really want to kill him or not now… Clarwen was able to heal me and now I reallly have nothing against Legolaz. Hmm, I have to thank her too, I didn't get to that… Still it would be nice to find him. I guess I'll decide whatt to do when I catch up. Legolaz doesn't even know that I'm the guy he defeated at the Mary Lake Docks. I guess I should tell him-
Will spots a man rolling a wheelbarrow down the street. Crying people are throwing dead bodies onto it, and the man is ringing a bell and yelling "Bring out your dead!"
Will: Excuse me sir, but what happened?
Man: What, were you sleeping the past week?
Will; You could say that.
Man: Some of the members of an evil cult swept through here and killed have our town. We're still cleaning up the mess.
Hedgeknee: Hi. Here's a dead one.
Injured: I'm not dead!
Man: I'm sorry, I can't take that one. He's still alive.
Hedgeknee: No he isn't. He's dead.
Injured: I'm still alive!
Man: He just said he's still alive!
Hedgeknee: He'll be dead soon.
Injured: I'm getting better!
Man: I can't take him unless he's dead now.
Hedgeknee: Please? For me.
Man: Here, I'll tell you what. (Elbows injured on the head, immediately dies)
Hedgeknee: See you Thursday?
Man: Sure. (both leave)
Will: Excuse me, miss?
Miss: Yes?
Will: Have you seen an elf and a bandit pass through here?
Miss: Well, Bumbo did leave a few days ago with some odd-looking folk. They might be your guys. They said something about Brohan.
Will: Thank you, ma'am. Okay, now it's time to find them. Brohan, huh? I can do that.

Voxagorn shot an arrow at a nearby ogre, and it fell of the cliff to its doom.
Dimli: The bridge is close.
Sourman: You idiot! Watch where you're going! (Shoots a fireball at another ogre)
Voxagorn: Look! The bridge!
Sourman: Come on!
(A wave of ogres start to inch across the bridge)
Sourman: Those idiots! This bridge can't handle all that weight…
Just as Voxagorn and Sourman reach the other side, the bridge collapses, sending all the ogres and Dimli down to their doom.
Sourman: DIMLI!
Voxagorn: No!!!
Okay, we all know Dimli was an idiot, but he was their friend. Sort of.
Sourman: Come on… We must run…
> Voxagorn: Aaah!
Sourman and Voxagorn escaped the mines of Gloria, but they were mourning the loss of their friend.
Voxagorn: Dimli…
Sourman: I can't believe Dimli died.
Voxagorn: I'm sorry, Dimli.
Sourman: Let's go. It's only a few more hours to Bobbiton. We can drop in on our old friend Bumbo after we meet the others.

Andalf: Falco, land here.
Falco: Cawww…
Andalf jumped off his phoenix and landed on the ground in front of a big castle. He strode in through the main door.
Andalf: I need to see the Dark Lord.
Guard: This way, sir.
Andalf is led to a room in a tall tower, where a dark shadowy figure is using his powers to torture a prisoner chained to the wall.
Prisoner: AAAAAaahh! Aaah!
Andalf: Sir, I know who has the sword. I tried to get to him and bring the sword to you, but I was delayed so I decided to come here, master. Master?
?: Don't call me master…
Prisoner: Aaahhh!
Andalf: What shall I call you?
?: SOME CALL ME… Tim.

Sourman: Where are they? They're not here.
Voxagorn: I just checked the blacksmith shop and the general store. They're not there, either. Did you hear about what happened? The Wraithwings were here.
Sourman: Yes. Anyway, the lady at the Frolicking Frog said that a blonde woman who looked really ticked and paid, then walked off by herself about a week ago.
Voxagorn: That was probably Clarwen. I bet the others continued without her and left her with the bill.
Sourman: But the injured man staying with them was in no condition to start then. He's probably healed by now, but a week ago?
Samwise: Gobble gobble! (flaps his arms)
Voxagorn: Who are you?
Sourman: It's an animal curse. Looks like Andalf's work.
Samwise: Gobble! Gobble gobble!
Sourman: Shut up! (shoots beam form staff)
Samwise: Huh? Hey, you cured me! You did you cured me! I am forever in your debt!
Sourman: Oh please…
Man: Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!
Voxagorn: Excuse me, sir?
Man: You're not dead!
Sourman: Did you see a man in black about yay tall?
Man: Uh huh. He's in this cart now. Let me get him. (starts rifling through the bodies piled on the wheelbarrow)
Sourman: No, no, no! He's still alive.
Man: Oh yeah, yesterday. Said something about being abandoned, mumbling about getting revenge on someone or other.
Voxagorn: That could have been Will.
Sourman: So, Legolaz and the bandits deserted Clarwen, who deserted Will?
Voxagorn: Probably so.
Sourman: Those idiots shouldn't have left. They could have at least left someone behind to wait for us.
Voxagorn: They probably relied on Clarwen. Too bad they forgot she was so rebellious…
Clarwen: (sneaks up behind them) Who's rebellious?
Samwise & Voxagorn: Aaah!
Sourman: We interrogated a lot of people. We thought you left.
Clarwen: I stormed away in such a hurry I forgot my medicine bag. I came back to get it to see that that no good freeloader stole all my pills and left.
Sourman: Great… So now where are the others?

Orinthe: So then my uncle Talc says, "who're you callin' soft?"
(All laugh)
Orinthe: Shh! Don't laugh!
Flodo: Heh heh… why not?
Orinthe: This is Laughlorien Forest, remember? If you're not careful, you'll run into…
Knight: Ni!
Orinthe: Aaah!
Knight: Ni!
Orinthe: Aaah!
Legolaz: What?
Knights: We are the Knights of Ni! Keepers of the evil word… Ni!
All: Aaah!
Legolaz: I am Legolaz of Sacremento. I am on a sacred quest to rescue a pair of kidnapped Bobbits and destroy this accursed sword in the Bottomless Pit on the Peninsula of Kree!
Knights: Ni!
Legolaz: Aaah!
Knights: Quiet!
Legolaz: Let us pass. Please.
Knights: Ni!
All: Aaah!
Knight: In order to pass us, you must bring me… a shrubbery!

Will: (walking through the woods) Hmm, if I can't find Legolaz and Guyahl by now, I should probably hunt out the Wraithwings in case they were kidnapped. Wait, they're to good for that. I bet they killed them all. Yeah, and I bet they killed all the ogres. The Ogre Killers. Cool band name. The Fighting Fruits. Good band name. Belch Busters. Cool band name. Hmm… thinkingg up band names isn't as fun when you do it by yourself…
?: Hee hee. Belch busters.
Will: Who's there?
?: Hee hee. Fruity. Fighting fruity.
Will: (draws sword) Show yourself!
?: Aaah!
(Will cuts at the tiny creature.)
Will: Who are you?
Goldum: You are Goldum. Tell him that. No! I'm Sneakol! No, your name is Goldum!
Will: Right…
Goldum: My name is Sneakol. No, tell him the truth. That is the truth! My name is Sneakol. Stop arguing! Now shut up you idiot! My name is not Goldum. Its Sneakol.
Will: Excuse me, but did you see a blonde woman walk through here?
Goldum: Yeah she went that way. No she didn't she turned around to get her medicine box. No she didn't! She kept going she said that stupid freeloader probably ate all the medicine. It wasn't eating medicine it was drinking medicine. Wasn't there some of that rub it on your skin medicine? Yeah that too.
Will: Never mind. Did you see an elf and a bandit?
Goldum: No. I'm sorry. No you're not.
Will: Do you know of the Wraithwings?
Goldum: Wraithwings bad. But I can take you. No you can't its too dangerous!
Will: So will you or not?
Goldum: Of course. Fine but don't blame me if you die, Gollum. It's Sneakol!
Will: Good. Lead the way! You will be richly rewarded when we arrive at their lair.
Goldum: Yes…

An ogre storms into Sourman's Throne Room. The ogres have complete control over the tower and are using it as a headquarters for their evil. The Ogre Lord sat perched upon Sourman's chair.
Ogre Lord: What news?
Ogre: The Wraithwings have captured two Bobbits who might know where the sword is.
Ogre Lord: The Wraithwings are much stronger than us. I fear they will find the sword first. Anything else?
Ogre: We also spotted a man in black and a short, pathetic creature. One of my men was sure that he recognized him from the day we conquered this tower.
Ogre Lord: He might know who has the sword. I want him brought to me alive.
Ogre: Sir, he's heading for the Wraithwing's Lair. I can't get close enough without putting my men in danger.
Ogre Lord: Curse those Wraithwings! Forget what I said. The Wraithwings are too strong. I have a feeling the Sword Wielder will be captured. Then all hope for us will be lost.
Ogre: Sir, we have another option. The fortress of Realm's Deep.
Ogre Lord: What?
Ogre: They have a large supply of weapons. The fortress would also make more good headquarters. We can grow more ogres there.
Ogre Lord: Of course. Gather up all of our men. I want the fortress of Realm's Deep. Yes, I see it now. This may change our entire strategy… mayybe even a big turnaround! Those Wraithwings are in for a big surprise… 

Legolaz, Guyahl, Flodo, Bumbo, and Orinthe were greatly delayed by the Knights of Ni. This allowed Will and his new guide, Goldum, to catch up with them.
Now Goldum and Will are looking down from a cliff at a big Black gate that blocked a path leading to the Wraithwing's castle. They see the tiny figures of Legolaz and his companions entering the gate, killing some of the guards.
Will: Look! There they are!
Goldum: I see. I see. That elf is a good fighter. No he isn't he's pathetic! Shh I'm trying to be polite! Yeah right! Well, he really is a good fighter. I know. He might be a threat. Why do you say that?
Will: No! That elf is… um… my friend! Yeah, that's it. Now, w, can we get down there?
Goldum: No, it isn't safe. He has a point you know. Legolaz is taking a risk by entering, and he has 3 friends and a rock monster. You're actually listening to me now. Yeah, you know if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. What's THAT supposed to mean? Well, you are a bit of an idiot. You wanna make something of it? Bring it on!
Will: Well, I'm getting nowhere fast.
(Gollum starts throttling himself)
Will: Listen, what can I do?
Goldum: There is another way. Through the mountains, yes! We can take you.
Will: Why didn't you tell me before?!?
Goldum: You never asked us.

Legolaz: Give me some backup! They can't get the sword!
Bumbo slashes and kills a guard. Flodo dodges and weaves through the mob of angry guards. Orinthe lumbers around, throwing the annoying ones and crushing the unsuspecting beneath his feet.
Legolaz: We're breaking through!
Meanwhile, Guyahl ran to the control station that opens and closes the giant gate.
Guyahl: I'm closing the gate! (beep)
Legolaz: Move in, the gates bringing up the rear!
The giant gate slowly swooped in and closed the path. The army of guards was even more agitated, and it seemed as if more were pourig in from the rock cliff walls. Will, turning away from watching the battle, cried out in despair. Now his goal of reaching the main entrance was over.
Legolaz: Where are all the Wraithwings?!?
Guyahl: Don't jinx it!
Suddenly, the battle was over. All the guards were gone, and now the Wraithwing Castle loomed over them.

Mippin: Now what's the meaning of this?
Guard: I suggest you don't move until the dark lord comes.
Perry: Aah! Untie me this instant!
Mippin: I didn't do it!
Guard: (slams prison door and leaves)
Mippin: Why are we here?
Perry: I heard one of the guards say something about a special sword.
Mippin: Why do I have a feeling this has something to do with that elf that we met at Bumbo's party?

Meanwhile, Sourman, Voxagorn, Clarwen, and Samwise have gone on a journey to follow the Sword Wielder, but stopped at the city of Eedoran, Capital of Brohan.
Sourman: Where is everyone?
Sam: There's no one here.
Clarwen: Perhaps the town was overrun by the ogres?
Sourman: Or the Wraithwings?
Voxagorn: No. If the ogres had been here the place would be burning in flames and completely destroyed. If the Wraithwings had been here the place would have a dark eerie feel to it. This place has neither.
Sam: This is eerie. There's no one around.
Voxagorn: They must have fled to Realm's Deep. The 3-way war between men, ogres, and Wraithwings has consumed Gandir. King Theoretical probably foresaw the war spreading to Eedoran and evacuated his people.
Clarwen: Look! Over to the east!
Sourman: The ogres have already destroyed the Eastfold!
Sam: They're heading for Realm's Deep.
Sourman: Quick, we must get to Realm's Deep and warn them.
Clarwen: How will we get there in time? Even if we do get there to warn them, we are only an hour ahead! By the time Theoretical is warned, the place will be overrun!
Sourman: The people who fled here left their horses. Let's take some. I also know a shortcut through the mountains. I think these elements combined will get us 3 extra hours. Come!

Guard: Master Tim, one of our Wraithwing squads have arrived with some prisoners.
Andalf: Perfect. I hope that fool Legolaz is one of them. Tim, let's go see what those dark robed ghouls have brought for us.
Tim: I'm not coming.
Andalf: Why not?
Tim: Neither are the Sword Wielder. I am sure of that.
Andalf: As you wish. (leaves)
A wraithwing enters in Andalf's place.
Tim: There is an elf, a bandit, two halflings and a Laughlorien rock. I want the rock tied down, secured, and tortured. Bring the elf to me alive. I want the bandit and the halflings sent to the dungeon. I hope they like ventriloquists…
The wraithwing nods and leaves.

Meanwhile, two ventriloquist brothers swing from the prison ceiling, their ankles tied together and their mouths shut…
Brother 1: I swing a little more…
Brother 2: I swing a little less…
Brother: We're ventriloquists!

Legolaz: The dungeons are this way.
Guyahl: Be careful. This place is swarming with Wraithwings.
Legolaz: I know.
Orinthe: So, what do these prisoners look like?
Legolaz: They're very short, only weasels to your eyes.
Orinthe: I am a boulder. Everyone is a weasel to my eyes.
Flodo: Like us. They're like Bumbo and me.
Orinthe: Tiny weasels.
Legolaz: My sword… It's getting heavy…
> Bumbo: It's the evil power in this castle. They want the sword.
Legolaz: I know…
Suddenly, five Wratihwings appear looming over them. Two of them overpower Orinthe and fly away with him.
Orinthe: No!!!
One of the remaining three motioned to the other two. The two Wraithwings started for Guyahl, Bumbo, and Flodo.
Legolaz tried to fight them, but the power of the sword was immense, they were too strong for his regular fight…
Legolaz drew the Accursed Sword and slashed the Wraithwing across the chest. It screamed out and a black mist filled the room, and it's robes fell to the floor. Legolaz slew the others two. More appeared, but the sight of Legolaz wielding the accursed sword made them fall back. Legolaz and Guyahl swept through the crowd of Wraithwings, killing them all, with Flodo and Bumbo behind them. They reached the dungeon entrance only to find that Orinthe had crushed them and rescued Mippin and Perry.
Orinthe: Let's go!

Sourman: Hello, King Theoretical.
King T: Hello, Sourman the Great. Who are your comrades?
Clarwen: I am Clarwen of Sacremento, daughter of King Arnold.
Voxagorn: I am Voxagorn, son of Voxathorne, heir to the Gandir throne.
Samwise: I am Samwise Cabbage of the Shire, former victim of a turkey curse. Don't ask.
Sourman: There is an army of thousands of ogres heading your way. They want to fortress of Realm's Deep for their own.
King T: What? When will they be here?
Clarwen: In 4 hours.
King T: I have no time to prepare an army to fight that! All my men are gone! The only ones left are young boys and old priests!
Voxagorn: Gather them together. You have to fight, there is no other way.
Sourman: I am leaving to go get reinforcements. At dawn tomorrow, look to the west, Voxagorn.
Clarwen: Goodbye, Sourman. Come back safe.
King T: Gather up all the people in this fort who can wield a sword. Blood will be spilled tonight…  

Will: Goldum? Are you sure you're taking me the right way?
Goldum: Of course I am. I…
Will: Wait… Look…
> Goldum: What are those ugly beastsies? They're the ogre wolves. They are? Yes you idiot!
Will: Ogre wolves… why are they called that?
Goldum: Draw your sword! Theys be coming!
Will: (Puts on his Ink armor)Die!
Ink slashes at the wolf but it dodges and bites him in the leg. Goldum runs and hides while Ink cuts at a different one. Its ferocious fangs latch onto his arm, and he tries to shake it off. The battle was lost when suddenly, a throwing knie whizzed out of nowhere and hit one of the wolves. It cried out and backed away from Will. Three more knives came and hit the others.
Ink: Huh? Hey, I beat them all.
Legolaz: Don't get cocky.
Ink: Legolaz?!? You're alive!
Guyahl: Of course he is.
Legolaz: Huh? The Ink knight? I thought I defeated you…
Ink: Well, actually, after I was defeated, I was found by a pretty elf who took me back to a tower where she had just gotten a job as a maid. She healed me, but then we were attacked by ogres. (takes off helmet, revealing his face) It's me, Will. The man you cut up was the sick tenant.
Legolaz: (gasp)
Will: Who are they?
Legolaz: Flodo, Bumbo, Mippin, and Perry the Bobbits. And Orinthe of Laughlorien. Orinthe, I want you to take Mippin, Perry, and Bumbo back to their home town. They'll show you the way.
Orinthe: Yes, of course, Legolaz. Come on, you three.
Mippin, Perry, and Bumbo: Bye!
Orinthe: (Scoops them up and leaves)
Will: Well, Goldum, you've done what I had asked of you. Now, for your payment… hm…
> Goldum: Can I come with you? Yeah, can we? Goldum's a good fighter. Hey I thought we agreed on calling me Sneakol!
Will: Aah! I know! (Slips a ring off his finger) Here, have this!
Goldum: Ooh… Precious… (crawls away rubbing the ring in his is hands)
Legolaz: I am sorry for injuring you. I did not know that my enemy would later be my compainion. From now on, we will call you by your proper name. Not Will, but Ink.
Ink: Yeah, yeah. It's getting dark. Let's set up camp.

Voxagorn: (sitting alone in the armory room)
Sam: Hi, Master Voxagorn. Everyone up above is ready for the fight. An army of five thousand elves from Sacremento have arrived to help. Hey, what's that in your hands?
Voxagorn: The holy hand grenade of Antiok.
Sam: You mean, the one in the legend?
Voxagorn: Yes. It is said that when there is an undefeatable enemy, you pull out this pin, and count to 3. Then you lob it at your opponent.
Sam: Wow. Well, the battle will begin soon, the ogres have approached.
Voxagorn: Let's go.

Elf 1: The ogres are coming! The ogres are coming!
Ogres: Attack!
Voxagorn: Fire in the hole!
Arrows whizzed, ogres died, elves screamed, ladders erected, rain poured.
Elf 2: Protect the wall!
King T: And so it begins.
Catapults launch boulders against the wall, and the ogres climbed the ladders. Voxagorn kicked a ladder and it fell down and crashed into the mob.
Elf 1: Die! Ow… ow…
> Clarwen: Here! (heals elf 1)
Elf 1: Thanks!
King T: Stop them!
Ogres: Aaaahhh!!!
Villager 1: (drops rocks on ogre's head) Score!
Villager 2: Way to go!
King T: (snap) Ah my sword broke! (Chucks it over the wall, lands on ogres head)
Clarwen is running around healing all the injured farmers. Voxagorn is killing some here and there with his sword and is yelling encouragement to the elves.
Ogres: Make way for the bomb troll!
A giant ugly blue troll starts lumbering in from the distance with a torch and a barrel of gunpowder strapped to its back.
Elf 2: It's heading for the wall!
Voxagorn: Get him down!
The villagers fire arrows but they are ineffective.
Voxagorn: No! Stop him!
Elf 1: How long do we have?
Voxagorn: two minutes before that stupid lug finds its way over here. Keep shooting!
Sam: Hey… I'll be right back!
Voxagorn: No!
Sam: Pull the pin form the grenade, count to three… 1…
> Troll: Unnnh!
Sam: 2…
Troll: Unnnh! (yards away from the wall)
Sam: 5!
Villager 2: It's 3!
Sam: Too late! (lob)
BOOM!!!
The troll explodes, sending 30+ ogres and other trolls everywhere!
Sam: Haha! Beat that, Voxagorn!
Voxagorn: Gladly. (kicks a ladder- not down- sideways! It hits the ladder next to it, and next to it, like dominos leaning against a wall… untill all the ladders are knocked down and 100 ogres are dead)
Sam: Oh.

Orinthe: Mippin… Perry… Bumbo… We have to stop beforbefore we continue.
Bumbo: Why? Are you tired?
Orinthe: No… I'm going to meet with the Roxdust…
> Mippin: What?
Orinthe: The council of Rox… We decided what we do together ¦ Tonight we have a meeting scheduled. Look, there's Flint! Hi Flint!
Flint: Hey, Orinthe. Where's Ruby?
Orinthe: Hey look! Hi, Topaz!
Soon, the rest of the Rox arrive. Crag, Granite, Nickel, Copper, Amethyst, Marble…
Orinthe: The Tri-war for the Accursed Sword has begun…  &nnbsp;     

King T: Well, I guess the battle is lost.
Elf: Is there anything else we can do?
Voxagorn: Is there a back way out for the women and children to escape?
King T: Unfortunately not. It looks like this is the end.
Voxagorn: King Theoretical, I will ride with you on you final stand!
King T: Let this be the hour that we ride! Mount you horse!
As Voxagorn mounted his horse, he remembered Sourman's words…
Sourman: Tomorrow at dawn, look to the west…
Voxagorn looked at the sky… the sun was rising…
> Soon, King T, Voxagorn, three elves, and a soldier of Brohan rode out the door, slashing all the ogres in the way, knocking them off the bridge… Then Voxagorn looked, and what he saw amazed him…
Up on the mountain, Sourman was on his horse, wielding his sword, next to him, was Dimli! Then an army of forest knights ran down the side of the mountain, and started killing all the ogres…
Knights: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Ogres: No! It's the Knights of Ni!
Voxagorn: Sourman! And Dimli!
Elves: Victory!
Sourman: Yeah!
King T: My people are safe…

Orinthe: I say we crush Sourman's Tower!
Rox: Yeah!
Topaz: We should destroy those ogres!
Rox: Yeah!
Amethyst: Get revenge on our lost siblings that they destroyed!
Rox: Yeah!
Flint: Stop them from forging our relatives into weapons!
Rox: Yeah!
Nickel: I say we paint ourselves in tiger stripes, and free all the animals in the zoo!
Rox:…
Ruby: Okay, Nickel. We'll meet you there in an hour.
Nickel: Whoppee! (runs away laughing maniacally)
Marble: Poor twisted little soul.

Tim: Taco Bell, Taco Bell… Taco, Taco, Taco Bell…
> Andalf: (bursts in) The Sword Wielder! He escaped, my lord! He even got the Bobbits!
Tim: Do not worry, Andalf. He is not my concern as of now. Leave that job to my Wraithwings. Now that I have taken the River Capital of Gandir, I have plans for that. I want my Wraithwings to take the rest of Center Earth. We must beat those stupid ogres to domination.
Guard: Sir! Sir! The ogres just lost a battle trying to take over Realm's Deep! The people of Brohan had a victory!
Tim: Excellent. The ogres are weak now. Soon the Rox will attack Sourman's tower. That's excellent. Then the ogres won't be able to come back and grow more. With them out of the way, we will be much stronger.
Andalf: Master Tim, you cannot forget the Peninsula of Kree. So far Kree and the country of Wondinar are the only countries unaffected by this war.
Tim: Don't worry, I have something special planned for them… &nnbsp;  

King T: Kinghts of Ni, I am in your debt. You saved my people… How ccan I repay you?
Knights: Bring us… a shrubbery!

Clarwen is running around trying to heal all the injured soldiers… Clarwen: (to villager) Here, drink this… (takes a sip before giving it to the villager) Hmm, needs more eye of newt…
Sam: That's all you ever care about. You've been feeding these people nothing but newt eyes!
Elf: Clarwen… Miss Clarwen… I'm hurt!
> Clarwen: Hold on… I'll go get the Neosporin… Neo… Sp€¦ Sporin… Neosporin!

Voxagorn: But… you fell…
> Dimli: Yes.
Voxagorn: Dimli…
Dimli: Dimli? Aaah, that's what they used to call me. Dimli the Dumb. No, I'm not Dimli the Dumb. I… am Dimli the Bright.
Sourman: When I was fetching the Kinghts of Ni, this little genius was teaching them new words.
Voxagorn: They could use them…
Elf: Hey! This one's still alive!
Knight: Ni!
Ogre: Aaah! (shrivels up and dies)
Messenger: Hello? Hello? is this Realm's Deep?
Voxagorn: What business do you have?
Messenger: I'm delivering a message to someone named Sourman.
Sourman: Yes?
Messenger: I was sent from the city of Thornrush, the Capital of Wondinar. A man named Legolaz is there waiting for you, along with Guyahl, the injured tenant, and some Bobbit named Flodo.
Sam: Flodo? I know Flodo!
Messenger: I don't know who the tenant is but he said you would understand. I'm going back there now, and he was hoping I could bring you there.
Sourman: Can you wait here with us for an hour? Then we'll go.
Messenger: Of course.
Sourman: Clarwen? Pack your things.
Clarwen: Where are we going?
Voxagorn: Wondinar.
King T: Sourman, thank you for your kindness.
Sourman: Don't thank me, King Theoretical. Farewell.
Sam: I'm coming, so I can meet Flodo!
Dimli: Are you Flodo's bodyguard?
Sam: His gardener.
Dimli: Right…
Clarwen: I'm ready, let's go…
With that, Sourman, Voxagorn, Clarwen, Dimli, Sam, and the messenger mount their horses and head for Thornrush.
Elf: Wait! You forgot… the… Neosporin… (dies)
BR>
The Rox storm Sourman's tower, killing ogres everywhere. Ruby smashes into the dam and it breaks, flooding the ogre's grounds. Orinthe and Granite destroy everything, making sure no catapults, siege towers, or ladders stay intact. After Copper chips away at the foundation, Sourman's tower finally collapses, killing all the ogres. It was a victory for the Rox. Little did they know it was a victory for Tim…   

Copyright 2003-2004 by Charlie Larson: Lazlow-Ink Co.

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