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| 9 things the piss me off |
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat?
5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No ASSHOLE, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare the friggin ceiling up there.
7. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"..... Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
8. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then it must not be the first one!!
9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole you fucking pulled me over! |
| Signs You Have a Hangover |
- You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
- Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
- Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
- You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.
- You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
- You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
- The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
- All day long your motto is, "Never again."
- You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
- Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"
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| Shoplifting |
A man walks into a music store and wants to buy a good, old-fashioned vinyl record. He gets the record and is ready to check out when he discovers that he forgot his wallet. Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decides to steal the record. So he sticks it down his pants.
Of course, the cashier spots him on the way out and says, "Hey! Is that a record in your pants?"
The man replies, "Well, it may not be a record but I haven't heard any complaints." |
| Haiku And A Chuckle |
Haiku And A Chuckle
In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft & Ellipse error
messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules
- each poem has only 17 syllables; 5 syllables in the first, 7 in the second, 5 in
the third. They are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a
wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity.
Here are 16 actual error messages from Japan, we are told.
The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both |
| Indian Wisdom |
The old Cherokee chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the US government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" one official began, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done." The Chief nodded that it was so. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for overs a minute, and then calmly replied, "When white man found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night screwing women."
The Chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that." |
| Lil Johnny and the Pastor |
One bright Sunday morning Cindy and Mark took their eight year old son, Johnny, to church. They sat right in the front so Johnny could get all the benefits from church. But as we know eight year old boys do not like church at all. Especially little Johnny. Halfway through the pastor's sermon Johnny fell asleep. The pastor noticed this, and it was distracting him from preaching. He decided to go over to Johnny and ask him a question about God.
"Son, do you know who created all the heavens and earth?"
His mother, Cindy, who did not want to be embarrassed by her son falling asleep, stuck a pin in her son's right butt cheek.
"GOD!!!!" Cried little Johnny.
"Very good," the pastor replied. For he could not say it was wrong. And he continued on. But a short while later, Johnny fell asleep again. The pastor once again noticed this and decided to ask another question,
"Who was Mary and Joseph's son?" The pastor asked.
Johnny's dad, Mark, did not want to be embarrassed either, so he stuck a pin in his son's left butt cheek.
"JESUS CHRIST!!!!" Yelled Johnny.
And once again the pastor replied "Very good."
Near the end of the church service, Johnny could not control himself and fell asleep again. For the last time, the pastor decided to embarrass him and ask a very hard question.
"What did Eve say to Adam on the morning when they woke up on the first day?"
But before Johnny's parents could do anything Johnny shouted,
"IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'M GOING TO TAKE IT AND BREAK IT IN HALF!" |
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