Gosh, so many things have been happening all at once. This year has definitely been the most challenging year for me, so far. It started out rough, dealing with horrible situations at school, getting taken out of the school, dealing with death and sorrow, frustrations-- and now my Libby is not doing well. She's still happy, but she's having such a hard time breathing, I know her time here isn't much longer. She's 11 years old now, she's lived a long life for a dog. And anyway, I can't be too upset when the ones I lose have had a long, happy life. Everybody has to go someday, even dogs. She'll be happier, too. Of course she will. I don't know when she'll go, but for as long as she's with us I will love her and enjoy her. She's a good puppy.
I'm noticing so much that through all these uncomfortable things I've been going through, I'm getting stronger. Since February I've never felt so weak, but I'm realizing that everything is happening for the best of me, even if it's very hard. God knows what He's doing, and I'm learning more and more everyday that I need Him.
Since I turned 16, I've become distant from God. I was angry with Him, confused, and I didn't know what I wanted or needed. I have to admit, it was a tough year, going it alone. Well, I was never alone, but I didn't want His help, I refused His help. I was tired of the routine of me going to Him, then sliding back again, coming back to Him, sliding back. It seemed like nothing would ever change, and that Christianity was completely pointless and not worth wasting my life with. Through all of this, I never found myself doubting once that there was a God ---anyone in their right mind couldn't disagree with that--- but I just wanted nothing to do with Him. Since this year came around, I found out that things wouldn't get better without Him-- only worse. And I realize I need Him now, I do. I'm still having trouble calling myself a "Christian" though. Hearing that word makes me sick sometimes. I will never, ever, deny that I believe in God though. Yes, Jesus. I believe in Him and I need Him. I can't change myself, He can only change me. And today I realized that He will never make me do something I'm not ready for. I always thought following God would be dreadful, with the whole "carrying the cross" thing, but I think that only means it will be hard. It's not something that will completely crush me and hurt me, it's just going to test my strength. God knows my strengths and weaknesses, and He definitely knows them better than I do. I really think I'm the weakest person in the world most days. I doubt myself too much, and God doesn't want me to do that. I mean, hey, I went through a lot of stuff... yeah, I did, and I'm still here. What the heck, I'm still going through a lot of stuff, and look, I'm okay. I'm okay and I'll be okay. I have to keep telling myself that. I'll be perfectly fine.
God is much more than what Christians have been telling me He is. They're just people, like me, they don't know. Nobody knows. We can only trust Him and let Him show us.
I'm sorry I write so much and so terribly.
Last week, nearly every night, I kept hearing people crying and calling for help out in the living room (that's where my granddaddy stayed). I would find myself rushing out at like four in the morning expecting something horrible to have happened. But of course nothing was going on, and I had yet another sleepless night. When Saturday came along, my granddaddy wasn't doing well at all. He told us he was "ready to die" and though he said that many times before, I couldn't help but believe he was right this time. He looked awful and hadn't gotten up all day. I hoped still that maybe this would be another thing he'd get through, even though I felt so strongly that he wouldn't.
By Saturday night, he had had two nurses come to check on him. He was very weak and his heart rate was extremely high. He said that he "just wanted to sleep" and so he did, and slept soundly throughout the night. I heard the crying once again, worse as I've ever heard it, but AGAIN it was nothing.
When the next morning finally came, the crying was real. At first when I heard it I thought it wasn't real. I was called to help. After he passed out a couple times, he didn't wake up the last time. His heart had given out, but he had gone very peacefully. He had been conscious and alert before it happened, "I must've passed out." That one glance that I couldn't help giving his lifeless body wasn't the slightest bit horrifying to me. For the first time in my life, someone's remains didn't haunt me, (and I have a VERY bad case of Necrophobia). He didn't look lifeless, from what I could tell. He just looked peaceful, like he only was resting his eyes..
The house feels so empty and so quiet now that he's gone. He didn't make much sound and he didn't take up much space, but the feeling of his absence is so strong. I miss him, and I will always miss him. At the same time I'm happy for him. To have gone so peacefully, (I know not accidentally) on his wedding anniversary to be with his wife, and to be young and happy and free again, I am very glad that he can be happy now. He lived a good, long 97 years and 5 months. I have looked up to him for as long as I can remember, and I will continue to do so for my whole entire life.
Creepy how saying absurd things like that always makes me feel a little better.
I'm okay.
I have so much I could say to express how amazed I am, but... there are no words. No words at all could help me say I AM SO FREAKING AMAZED and do it justice. Sigh. Actions speak louder than words, anyway. I don't spend time with the GOD of the UNIVERSE like I should. Am I stupid? Uh... don't answer that.
There's so much I want to ask Him, yet I don't ask. Why don't I ask? I want to know what He has to say more than anything, yet I don't even bother asking when HE WANTS ME TO. He LOVES IT when I ask Him things. I feel so small and inferior. I feel so unworthy of knowing anything. But He wants me to know.. He does.. or I wouldn't wonder.
I talk too much. I should listen now.
Golly, God's too cool.
Bye.
What a pointless entry.
I got on Neopets for the first time in like 4 years or something. Good memories of an unhealthy addiction, mmm, yes. So today I did everything I dreamed of doing when I was younger (on neopets ahah). I bought a bunch of stuff and wasted everything I had saved. Yay. They have fun games. I'm not going to get addicted again. I hope.
I should be sleeping.
I had bad dreams last night/this morning/yesterday morning and I got like 3 hours sleep. Hmmmph.
I should be sleeping.
I'm going to go to sleep now.
I feel happy today. I feel at home. Sure, I've got a lot of changes coming my way, but as for today I feel like it's alright to just sit back and relax. Life will go on and I'll go with it, it doesn't help to worry during the ride. I have plenty of time to make choices and grow up. I can take my time.
Eek, that spaghetti has way too much garlic in it. I'll smell for weeks. Thank the Lord for minty gum.
I just finished some History work. It wasn't exciting :) and if I had to take a test on it right now I'd probably not do so well.
Hm. I've realized that every moment I'm alive is precious. Well, I knew that, I just forgot.
I've been thinking (yeah, again). This very moment will soon, much sooner than I think, be a year ago, or two years ago and such. Somewhere in the future I'm already looking back. When I was very young, I would always think to myself, "It's right now," and the thought would linger for a while until I would eventually think about something else. Then quite a bit later I would think about it again and be surprised to find how long ago "right now" was. I'm weird, huh?
Nostalgia is a good thing. Even though I feel a longing to go back, it also makes me want to appreciate the now. Right now, I love you.
Yesterday, or more like early this morning, I've been listening to planet "sounds". Of course there's no sound in space... at first it's radio waves and blah blah blah I don't want to explain. If you're wondering or care or whatever go here and read the description. ANYWAY, listening to them at night is really not a great idea... I couldn't sleep afterward... BUT during the day, it's a pretty interesting thing to hear. Ehh, you might not think so... whoever you are.
I know, I'm a space freak.
WELL, since I don't go to CCS anymore, I can probably do things like mess around with html again. Yay. The first thing to go will be this depressing gray layout I have right now. It's making me feel like this: "Nothing is fun. I'm bored."
Before I mess with codes, I think I'll go outside. I need to get out more. It's nice out today.
I downloaded a bunch of Crash Bandicoot music yesterday. I like to listen to video game music. I'm a dork.
I had been writing down in a journal everyday since New Years, but since February came around, I don't know what happened. I was determined to do this for the whole year, but I'm not keeping up. School has been really hard this month. Well, it's been hard the whole year, but this month has definitely taken it's toll on me. Speech teachers... gah I don't even want to talk about it. I'm so tired, blah!
Have I graduated yet?!
Well, it looks like I have a website again. I should sleep.
March 30th, 2009, Monday, 4:52pm
Yesterday was the most unrealistic day I've had since I don't know when.
March 25th, 2009, Wednesday, 7:41pm
People are mean. People don't understand anything. I don't want to be a people anymore. I'm going to go buy a gorilla suit or something and go live in a cave for the rest of my life. Sounds fun.
March 24th, 2009, I guess I'll throw in the day of the week too: Tuesday. I didn't even know it was Tuesday today. But that's ok cause it's now the 25th :) shush.
My God is crazy. Well, He is... cause HE LOVES ME. And what makes Him even crazier is than He loves YOU! I'm only joking golly don't cry.
March 23rd, 2009, 6:56pm
I give myself the creeps. I really really do. Really. Hummm.
I FEEL LIKE AN ALIEN.
March 20th/21st, 2009, 2:14am
I should be sleeping.
March 19th, 2009, 8:31pm
Little pieces of paper keeps on getting into the fan and it's making an odd noise.
I never did go outside...sad?
March 19th, 2009, like 2am yay
I love to enjoy life.
March 17th, 2009
I don't go to school anymore.
February 9th, 2009
If I could have anything at all, I would want a time machine. I've never wanted to travel anywhere else in the world as much as I want to travel through time... I'm sure this is a common want. Sometimes I just hate nostalgia, it makes me ache so badly on the inside.
December 28th, 2008
I wonder where time will take me. In a matter of months, years, decades, where will I be? I've been thinking a lot lately about my future- but I've also been thinking of my past. For my entire life I've been a child. Carefree, imaginative, happy, content in my own mind. I was always so unaware of the world around me. Since I can remember, I have existed solely inside of my imagination more than any place else in this world. Everything was so new, magical, and beautiful. I had much to discover and so I have discovered many things. Now I've reached seventeen years. Still a child, yes, but not as much. To this day, I'm still lost in my thoughts most of the time. I think about everything that could possibly be pondered. But my thoughts have become much different over time; sometimes they scare me. I have been thinking and wondering what this imaginative child may become.