I have to stay.

I have to stay. I have to stay here to save her. She has to be saved, and I know that I'm the only one who can truely help her with that. She won't listen to anybody else. That's why I talk to her in her sleep.


"Yes, she knows herself and she is here because she wants it, and because we want it" her dad was telling one of the doctors in tears. Her mother was also crying. "Alright, that's good" he doctor said and wrote something down. Their daughter was gonna move out. Not just to a normal place, but into a hospital. That's how she called it. In fact, it was just a normal house, filled with doctors and people like her. They would learn to be theirselves again, and not let their lives be ruled by food. Or, in other words, no food. suffered from anorexia. When she found herself lying to everybody about everything she did she knew she needed help. Her parents knew. They had known everything from the beginning, but they never dared to ask. That's why she just told them about her condition and they decided that it would be best if she'd move out. "It's good that she knows that there's something wrong with her, and that she wants to work on it" the doctor said. Her dad's eyes were filled with water, but in a way, he was proud of his daughter when the doctor said that. "She can move in any time, we have a room for her ready" the doctor smiled and her mother did aswell. Her daughter was gonna be fine. All her nightmares would be prooved wrong when would move out of this house again, healthy and happy.

"We've got a new girl, , would you stand up please and introduce yourself?" asked. He was one of the psychiatrists. She rose from her chair and looked around. There were about 7 other teenagers with the same problem as her, staring at her, waiting for her to speak up. "My name is ... I'm 17 years old, from London... my hobbies are reading, watching TV, being on the internet and... sleeping" she said and smiled. Some of them had to laugh, others just smiled. "and?" asked. She sighed. "I know that I am suffering from anorexia, just like everybody else in here and I really want to get better" she said looking down. nodded. "She'll be sleeping in Eva's room" he told the others. "You'll get the schedule later today and I'll get someone to show you around" said looking at me. "Any volunteers?" he asked and looked around the room. A few people raised their hands, all wanting to leave the room because they all hated this first hour of the monday morning. ", you can show her around, her suitcases are still downstairs, so take them to her room with her" he said. The boy nodded and left with following him.

"here's the kitchen... we barely come here. only when they tell us to" said and stopped in the kitchen to let her look around. After a few seconds looked at her. "hate this place already?" he asked and gave her a weak smile. She could tell that he was skinnier than she was and he looked worse. He was pale and his eyes were glassy. She didn't think he was atractive, but she wasn't judging him, knowing that he would probably think the same about her. nodded to his question. "don't think i'd spent alot of time in here" she said and looked around. "alright. I think you've seen everything except the basement then. but. that's where i sleep together with , as we are the only men in this whole house" he said. nodded, understanding that she wasn't allowed to come there. "Wanna see it?" asked. She looked surprised at his question. He was inviting her to his room while he gave her the idea that girls weren't allowed there. "Sure" she said not showing her emotions. She fallowed him to the stairs. He turned the light on and walked down the stairs into the basement. There were two doors in a very tiny hallway. The right one was from 's room. The left one from 's. "You can take a peek into his room" he said and smiled. She knew she was doing the wrong thing, but that only made it more fun. She opened the door and saw the cosiest room ever. Everything was in warm colors with pillows and pictures everywhere. "Nice eh?" said standing behind her. "Ye" she said. "Don't get used to it. We get shitty rooms" he said and closed 's door. He opened his door and walked in. "See?" he said and shrugged. There were loads of posters and pictures on the white walls. "I wanted to paint everything black, but. It all has to stay white. So, i just cover them" he said. She nodded. "I see you play guitar" she said when she saw a guitar standing in the corner of the room. "Played. Not anymore. It hurts my fingers too much you know" he said and showed his fingers. They were like long sticks that moved a little. "right" said. After a few seconds they went back upstairs and grabbed her suitcases to bring them to her room. "Do you mind me hanging here for a second? The longer we stay a away, the more we miss of that boring hour" he said. shrugged. "If you will help me unpack" she said and grinned.


Everybody knew what we were upto. But because of the fact that we sticked together, nobody was gonna get through. When I ended up in hospital I saw that she was scared. She was beautiful. She needs to hang on! I have to find another way to tell her this, she's not listening to me!


"You and are good friends, aren't you?" asked. "Yea we're doing great together" she answered. She was sitting in a small office with . He was asking her questions about how she was doing and how she felt. After that a doctor would come to way her and write down the number of her bodyfat. "How are you feeling today?" he asked. "I'm good. yea, actually better than I thought I would be. I thought I was gonna come into this shithole with all stupid people but I'm actually liking it more than I expected I would" said and smiled. "That's good to hear! I can see in you're eyes that you really mean it" said and smiled, happy that she was happy. "How do you feel about the fact that we tell you what to eat and when to eat?" asked, suddenly very serious. "Well, I don't like it. And I don't like that fact that I can see myself getting fatter" she said. raised his finger. "Not fatter, getting a healthier body" he said. sighed and nodded. "I just don't like that idea of food in my body" she said. He nodded. "That's normal for a beginner" he said. nodded. There was a knock on the door and the doctor came in. It was a woman, called and she also lived in the same house. She had a room upstairs with the girls. When I was done it was dinner time. We all had to make our own dinner and then get back upstairs to eat it in our own rooms or some place else. didn't know why. This only gave her the change to hide it, flush it and not eat it.

"You've lost some weight again" said to her. was standing in front of the mirror. "Would you look at these bruises" she said and showed her back a little. He nodded. "I have them too" he said and showed his back. "I don't know how I get them" she said and watched them in the mirror. "There's not enough bodyfat on your back so you get bruises in your sleep" he said. nodded and sighed. "I'm ugly" she said to herself. chuckled. "No you're not. You're one of the prettiest girls I've ever met" he said. grinned. "you must have met only ugly girls then" she said and turned around. He was lying on her bed. They had become pretty close during the weeks. They both didn't want any contact with their family when they were there. So, they spent the weekends together while all the others went home. Of course sometimes called with her sister or with her parents, but she never saw them. Same with . " got angry at me yesterday" said. sat down on the bed next to him and he saw her face in pain for a second. She sat down too fast making her bones clash to the bed. "why?" she asked. "She found some bread balls behind my desk" he said. "You do that to?" asked. "What, making bread balls?" asked. nodded. "yea, and put them behind your desk" she said. nodded. "Yea, i mean, bread makes you feel fat and your stomach looks way too big!" he said. nodded. He was right. She knew that she didn't look good, only bones and skin, but when there was food inside of her she felt horrible! That's why she was drinking water all day long. When there was any food inside of her she kept on drinking water until she had to go to the toilet.

"They've got too much of a support. that's each other" said to . They were in conversation about and . They knew they were giving each other tips to not eat and they kept each other 'strong' by making each other crazy. When ever one got a little weight and got closer to being healthy the other one would notice it. In that way they would never ever get to being healthy again. "I know... but what do we do about it?! Separate them?!" said a bit angry. She was shocked about the fact that wanted to split them up. They were the first teens who became real friends in this house and she was doing everything to support them two. "Exactly" said. 's eyes grew. ", if you're gonna split them up they will still visit each other anyways... that only makes it more fun!" said. sighed. "What are we gonna do?" he asked. They both had no idea how to stop this. They were basically killing each other without really knowing it.

"Open your door, its me " said knocking her door for the last time. He thought she had passed out again because of the little food they ate. He walked away again, waiting for her to wake up and come over to his room. He never thought it would be anything serious as they passed out all the time. They barely could move anymore, it just took all their energy. Everything they did would make them tired and they would often faint. Of course only they knew that. They didn't share that with anyone. He was proud of her. She could stand away from food and she never listened to anybody when they told her to eat. He smiled to himself and decided to go for a nap himself as he felt dizzy. He walked downstairs making sure he was holding something to stop him from falling down the stairs. When he walked to the stairs from the basement he had to stop because everything went black in front of his eyes. When he took a second his view came back he felt nauseous. He reached the door and opened it. He saw the stairs and it slowly started to move. He grabbed hold onto the wall but he lost his balance and he lost his view again. He felt himself roll down the stairs. His hipbones were hurting and he tasted blood in his mouth. He was too tired to move so fell asleep, happy that he didn't feel all the pain anymore.

"Patient has had too much water and is suffering from anorexia" one of the nurses yelled while they were walking down the halls with on a bed. She was out of consciousness and looked like she was dead. Her skin was pale, almost see through and there were bruises all over her body. Her elbows, knees, ankles, wrists, hipbones and her back were blue. Right behind her was another bed with some people running next to it. People were yelling, screaming and running. "They found him at the bottom of the stairs, too little energy, skin around hipbones has burst, arm probably broken and braindamage" a woman read out loud from some stuff she was holding. They both went into another room and the hallway was quiet again. and were left alone, not knowing what to do. "I'm gonna call their parents, you stay here incase something happens" said and ran of, leaving in tears.


I died that night. Luckily I didn't feel anything. I saw the doctors trying to keep me alive, giving me food through strings that lead into my body. It was strange to see myself like that. I saw myself dying. They tried everything, but after a while one doctor left in tears and some nurses covered my face with sheets. I went to see . She was asleep. She was fine. Her parents were with her, and so were and . Everybody was crying, but I could see that she was gonna be fine. The doctors would make sure they wouldn't let her go until she was better. A doctor entered in tears and shook his head. started crying louder and hugged her. She woke up. Slowly. She asked what was wrong and where she was. She didn't get it. She didn't understand.


"I'm sorry ... it's my fault. I should've never ever..." stopped to sniff. She was sitting next to 's bed. His cheeks were blue from his cheek bones. She didn't thought he looked dead... he had always looked like this. She thought he looked great. She thought he was hot. She thought he was an amazing person. Everybody agreed on the last one. was an amazing person. He helped people who needed it and supported people who needed it. He had respect for everybody. She was crying. They gave her five minutes to say goodbye to him. "I'm so stupid. I was gonna tell you tomorrow. I really was... I planned it all out" she said and had to smile. "I love you" she said and thick tears fell from her eyes. "But now you're gone... gone for ever. I'm proud of you, you're looking great. But... it got you. anorexia took you away from me. I hate it" she said with anger through her tears. ", you really have to leave now" a doctor entered. grabbed his hand but let it go right away when she felt how cold it was. She looked scared at him. That wasn't anymore. Just a body. When she realised that she started crying louder and some doctors had to drag her out of the room.


I see her throwing up. Everything thats in her body is coming out. Such a shame she can't see my tears. She has to stop. She needs to get better!

""
"" she smiled.
"You have to stop throwing up."
".. I can't"
"You have to beat it! It got me, but its not gonna get you!"
"... i miss you. come back..."
"I miss you too"
"please come back"
"I cant. You have to hang on."
"... I can't"
"I'm right here with you. do it for me"
"do it for you"
smiled. She's beautiful when she was sleeping.


She made it. She's better. I still see her every day. I travel along with her. At some points I think that she knows. But, she's not sure. I know that she will never forget about me. She met someone. He's looking pretty good. His name's . He's a nice boy and he's taking good care of her. Every time I see her smile I know that its not fake. She is shining again. At night I sometimes hear her cry. She has a picture of me right next to her bed. Sometimes, when I need it or when she needs it I talk to her again when she's sleeping. I can always tell that it works for her. It makes her happy. I'll be here, waiting for her to join me and I know that it will take a long time. I'm glad it will take a long time. She deserves it. I have to stay here. For her. I want to stay here. For me.


The End.