Closest thing to a hug.


", pay attention please"
"In a second sir"
"!" his deep voice said angry. dropped the phone that she just got out of her bag and looked at Mr White surprised, pretending not to know why he got so angry. "I'm sorry?" asked with the same not-knowing expression on her face. Mr White sighed and let it go, continuing with class. He knew there was no point in even trying to go into a discussion with her, because she would end up saying "i never meant it like that, but it's alright" causing him to feel guilty about the fact that he ever blamed her for something. She was too smart and always knew what to say. The teachers called her 'The Oprah' because she had an oppinion about everything and said that was because of the fact that she had been through alot. Nobody could ever win from her, and she knew it.


"It seems that I am the only teacher that can connect with you..."
"oh really?"
"Well, when I hear all those other teachers, talk about you..."
"Why do you think that we connect better?"
He sighed. was always trying to make someone else say stuff that he wanted her to say. It was annoying, but smart in a weird way. She's the person who you are mad at, and you want her to say what she has done wrong, but you end up saying that you're sorry for yelling at her. "why do yóú think that we connect better?"
"you tell me"
alright so he tried, but she always knew what to say to leave you think about your words for a moment. knew that her teacher was right. She was driving everybody crazy with her careless additude, but at the same time, nobody wanted to lose her as a student because her grades were just way too good. It's like she already knew everything she needed to know in this world. How she did it? Nobody knew... people only had their ideas...
"Well... the age difference..."
"Is not that big."
"Right. That's my point... you've got eh... any other ideas?"
"Nope."
Even if she pretended not to know it, she could get away with it. He knew that she knew what he was talking about. So, she didn't show it... he knew what she was thinking of. Everybody knew in school, but nobody ever shared a word about it. Some even pretended not to know a thing about it and just played stupid. He noticed her, not giving a damn and just explain them every time over and over again. People always felt sorry for her, but she never seemed to be depressed or sad about it. She grew over it. At least, that's what everybody thought. But he knew better.
"I do"
"tell me then"
"We've had the same childhood... only I'm male, and you're female..."
"What do you mean... we both grew up in London?"
"downtown?"
"yes"
"I actually didn't knew that... but that too"
Alright. So, he started the conversation. She already knew what this was leading to, she was just trying to avoid it and pretending stupid. Not a normal thing for her, normally she would pull the words out of your mouth, like she was reading you mind. She would just complain about the fact that everybody was so predictable. People may think that this time she didn't know what was going to happen, but she did. She only didn't speak a word about it. He realized that it wasn't a closed chapter, and she wasn't over it. She just put it to the back of her head and tried to be the big girl people thought that she was gonna be. He felt sorry, in a very different way anybody would ever feel sorry for her.


"I do not like him in any way possible!"
"why not? he's the coolest teacher ever!"
"no he's not! I mean, yes he does give me good grades..."
"every teacher gives you good grades!"
"ye well, he still sucks. he's too young to be a proffecional teacher!"
"why do you think that?"
"The age difference between him and me is about... 4 years? that's too little!"
and her boyfriend were arguing on his bed. He was trying to study and she wasn't feeling like it so just went over to him to waste her time at his place. He didn't care. She was a good help when he didn't knew stuff for school, and his parents knew so nobody but her dad had problems with it. Her dad would go crazy if didn't do her homework. He was always living in fear that would mess up her schoolyears, but the opposite happened every time. Still he had no trust in her, because he knew how her mother was. Only had brains.
"What you thinking of?"
"Nothing. What yóú thinking of?"
"You probably do not want to know"
"I already know"
"Then why bother asking?"
"Just chekcing if I was right"
Her boyfriend laughed at her reactions. She could say it with no expression on her face. She was the kind of person who wasn't trying to be funny, which actually made her funnier than anybody else. She'd make one hell of a stand up comedian, and he knew how much she loved it to make people laugh. But with her IQ she could become one of the best doctors in the world. She never wanted to become a doctor. Not her dream. Nobody knew what her actual dream really was, not even . She never shared. If somebody asked her she would ask her what their dream was, what they wanted to become when they were older. made it seem like she was never thinking about her future. In fact she was, but nobody knew. sometimes wondered, but she wouldn't share a word about it. It was stupid for him to start conversations with 'i was thinking' or 'i have an idea' because every time she would say that she could read his mind and wasn't up for it or didn't feel like it. People who didn't know her would say that she was very present, but not with talking. She barely spoke, but was always noticable by everybody. Nobody knew how she did it. Not even herself knew. She never thought about it. To herself she was just like any other person in college, only then a bit less loud and with a bit more friends. She could hang with everybody. They were all friends, but nobody made it through to being a best friend and knowing a little more than anybody else knew. Not even .


"What's up?"
"Why do you not care about me calling you back into class everyday?"
"Well, you never really have to tell me something new, but its fun to see you trying"
"Hmm..." "So what's up? How are you gonna try this time? Think its gonna work now?"
"Do you know what I meant last time...?"
"What last time?"
"The thing about, you know, the same childhood thing..."
"I already knew that we both grew up in London downtown"
"I know that. But I meant something else"
"What's that then...?"
The teacher sighed. She didn't even think about the answers she was gonna give. She just gave them straight after he said something. He couldn't stand it. She could at least make it look like she had to think about his words before she responsed. But she didn't. She wasn't even thinking about making him feel like he was smarter than her. Because he simply just wasn't as smart as she was. Not even close.
"I grew up in a one-parent family aswel... my mum died when I was 5..."
"Im sorry"
"No you're not. You just say that because you want to make me feel more comfortable"
"No I don't. I'm just saying that because it's rude not to"
"I do not need your simpathy"
"I know you don't."
"and I know that you don't need mine either."
And he was the first one in years who hit the right spot. Tears jumped into her eyes. He saw her turn away, and knew that he went too fast, too far. She saw it coming, but there was no way to stop it. He was gonna say it anyway. She knew that they went through the same thing at the same age, and he knew how she felt. Probably knows how she feels at this right moment. She didn't want him to know. Her feelings were hers, not his. Why was he even bothering to talk to her about this, it was her life with her problems and her choices. Nothing for him to worry about. But still he started about it, and because he knew how she was feeling and thinking, she felt vulnerable. Somebody opened her head and took a look into her brain. Somebody opened the door to her heart and read the first pages. As if somebody stole her diary and spread it around the school. Somebody knew what was going on in her life, while she was trying her best to protend like nothing was wrong. Like everything was alright, and that nothing that happened ever had any impact on her. But he knew things were different than that. Way different.
"I know how you feel"
"shut up"
"I just want to help-" "don't. you can't"
"I can try"
"how?"
"You tell me"
"Fuck, yóú are trying to help mé, aren't you?! Then you come up with something to help me here!! Stop bothering me until you know!"
Tears were rolling down her cheeks as she screamed her last words before she left the classroom. What the fuck was her history teacher doing? He had no right. No one ever gave him the right. Why?


"Would you please open up the door?!"
", please, don't be like this"
"We're here to help you... you must be hungry! You've been in there for hours already!"
"What's wrong? You could at least let mé in!"
Her dad and were standing infront of her bathroom door. had to go into her bathroom first before she could leave her room as there was no other door. She had closed the door between her actual room and the bathroom so she barely could hear her dad and beg for her to come out. She was silently reading a book. It was a sad book. A book she had read so many times already. It had been read to her and when she learned her first words she slowly started to read it herself. It was the story of Bambi. A little deer who lost his mother in a fire in the forrest. She had loved the story until the she was five years old. She had read it once more and it had made her cry her eyes out. Her mother used to read it to her. Every night over and over again. When they got her the VCR of bambi, she couldn't have been happier. But, when she was gone, it was too close to her actual life and she had put it away. In a box with all the other stuff that had ever made her cry. Together with the fake ghost she had put in the box when she was 4 and with the scary movies that made her shit her pants when she was 12. Everything was in it, but today she opened it and took everything out. Finding the dusty bambi book she started reading it. Over and over again she had to cry. She knew exactly what was coming and she could dream the story but still, it touched her every time again. She finished the story again and closed her eyes, thinking back to the early days. She crawled into bed like she used to after the story and waited for the kiss of her mother that she used to feel on her forhead, but it never came. Slowly she fell asleep with still tears rolling down her cheeks.


"Finally! she's out!"
"Leave me alone, I'm just here to make myself some break fast"
"but... but you've got college today"
"call them, I'm ill"
"! spent the night here on the couch, waiting for you to come out of your room! he was so worried about you... I tried
to send him home, but he really wanted to stay"
"Then tell them that isn't coming either"
Her dad sighed.
"At least go tell him what was wrong with you last night."
"Why?"
"Because he needs to know"
"How do you know-"
"I just do"
and her dad shared a look. saw the sadness in his eyes and realized that he knew what was wrong with her. He probably had the same problems as her. For some reason she didn't feel uncomfortable with him knowing how she felt. They had the same problems about the same woman, and that made things different. Her dad stood up from the kitchen table and opened his arms for her. They shared a long hug and her dad told her he would let her stay home for the day, and too. Only if she would at least tell him a little about it. She didn't have to tell him everything, just the mainstory. Little did her dad knew that everybody already knew the mainstory. Her mother died in a fire when she was five years old. She managed to get everybody out of the house in time, but forgot herself and died. could tell that version of the story like it was a nice christmas story. She didn't feel anything when she told it like that. She could say it in those words and feel no pain. She had to go a little deeper this time. Not looking forward to her conversation she let her dad send up to her room in 10 minutes. In that way she still had some time to prepair herself. Get tissues and take the make-up off from last night.


"And please, don't come up with 'girlsstuff' because that's just bull"
"its not"
"so what the fuck was going on with you last night?"
looked his girlfriend in the eye. He was shocked when she didn't come with an answer but only with a desperate look in her eyes and a shaking head. Something real bad must be going on, was the only thing that thought. He knew that he had to be understanding and let her take her time to tell him but he was dying to know, curious as hell, to find out why she had been acting like she did. She started crying again. Softly. He didn't knew what to do. Normally his girlfriend would be the strong one. No one would believe him if he told somebody in school that she had been crying this very day. He put his arm around her and the both leaned against the wall, sitting on her bed. She sobbed, he stroked her arm. They must have stayed like that for over an hour. Suddenly she roze and started getting dressed. He was too surprised to say anything. She was doing her hair when he finally asked.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm going to school"
"Why? Your dad called us in sick for the day"
"I need to talk to someone"
"Who?"
"Who do you think?"
"I don't know, I asked you because I actually don't know..."
got frustrated with her answers. sighed.
"Please stay here until I get back... you can do whatever you want to as long as you stay in this house..."
"with your dad again?"
"he's not scary"
"but you are his princess"
"just tell him im of to school for about an hour! Gosh!"
"good luck with... whatever you're gonna do"
waved in front of the kitchen window when left. She rushed to school which was only a few blocks away. When she entered she went to the canteen. Hungry as hell. After eating a sandwich in slowmotion she started to get doubts about the thing she was about to do. She got up and wanted to leave, thinking it was stupid to come here. Then, she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned around, seeing him, looking at her.
"You've been crying"
"yea"
"What's wrong?"
"What do you think is wrong?"
"I have my ideas"
"Didn't I tell you to stop bothering me until you know a good way to help me?"
"you did."
"Does that mean that you found a way?"
"Does what mean?"
"you talking to me!"
got frustrated with his answers. He was being vague and giving her answers that she couldn't responde to that quickly. She had to think twice before reacting on him.
"Annoying?"
"who, you?"
"yea"
"yes!"
"Now you know how I feel when I'm talking to you?"
"What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean"
"What do you think that I'm thinking then?"
"Alright, now you are starting to get annoying"
"I was on my way home"
"You called in sick"
"How do you know?"
"I talked to your dad."
"When?"
"This morning on the phone"
"Can I leave now?"
"I need to talk to you, lets sit down somewhere"
sighed. This was the fastest conversation she ever had with somebody. She thought she always had her word done, and that other people had to think all the time, but this time he was so quick that he almost made her think about her answers. She couldn't stand it. Answering fast was her thing, not his. He was the annoying history teacher. As always, he was being annoying again. He took her to a classroom that was empty and sat down behind a small pupil table.
"Why aint you taking the teachers desk?"
"That's for you"
"Why?"
"I need you to tell me how much you think about her"
"What if I don't want to tell you?"
"I have all day"
"So you're just gonna wait here?"
"Yep"
He crossed his arms. sighed and sat down behind the teachers desk. She took a deep breath. He knew that she would come with her story in the end. was about to say something and opened her mouth, but changed her mind and closed her mouth again. She was giving him hopes, and then letting him fall down again. He knew what she was doing. Making him crazy, so that he would leave as quickly as he could. But he had been through the same thing and knew everything that was going on in her mind. She would speak. There were about to fall words from her mouth, giving him the answer that he wanted to hear. At least. That's what he thought. He sat back, looked at her in amusement.
"I don't want to talk about this"
"You have to"
"I'm the boss over my life. and I do not want to speak about this"
"I'm your teacher and I'm making you"
"You love the power you have, don't you?"
"Yes"
He smiled again. She sighed. 10 minutes went by, without talking. Suddenly stood up and walked over to the blackboard. She took a white chalk and started writing. Slowly the tears fell from her eyes. She sniffed and he knew she was crying. He was amazed with the idea she came up with. She didn't want to speak about it, so she just wrote him an explanation. She gave him his answer and left the classroom crying her eyes out. He was stunned with what she had done and he felt a tear escape from his eye. This girl was special. This girl had kept her secrets and feelings for so long to herself, that if anybody got into her heart right now, they would have so many stories around them that they would probably freak out and leave this person alone. And she knew it. She was too complicated for anybody. Nobody deserved to hear all her problems. They were hers, and she didn't need to bother anybody else with it. Nobody would like to hear her lifestory. She thought. Except him. He wanted to know every little bit that was going on behind those eyes. He slowly read the words she had written out loud.

I STILL SEE HER BURNING AT NIGHT.
i will never forget the screaming i heard that night.
she's on my mind about 649 times a day.
although its so long ago, i can still remember her burnt face, staring at me through the window...
please help me.

"Sir, is your daughter at home?"
"No, she is not I'm afraid..."
"Could you please come over, I think I've got something that you need to see"
"Alright"


"Hey, its here, sorry I can't pick up the phone right now, leave your message after the peep"
beep.
"I need you, I'm in the park two blocks away from my place"


"I don't know if I've done the right thing, but I asked her something"
"...wow"
"I know about your situation, and I lost my mother at the same age as she did... so I thought I might help her-"
"She doesn't need help!"
"Yes, sir, she does... I know what its like at this age without a mother"
"Hmm"
"I asked her how many times a day she thinks about her mother... and she wouldn't tell me. So she wrote it down on the black
board... this is what I got out of her..."
"She has nightmares"
"This girl has more than just a few nightmares... she needs some serious help. Somebody needs to dig into her life"
Her dad sighed. They were both standing infront of the black board, looking at what wrote earlier. Her father knew that he was right, every word he spoke was a fact, but he had no idea how to do it. How was he gonna be able to 'dig into her life'? She never spoke about her mother since that very day. Her dad thought at first that she was over it. But the opposite happened to be true. Her dad sighed again.
"How?"
"I don't know... she obviously is open for help now..."
"Sir, you have to understand... my daughter and I have never been that close"
"Of course"
"It was always, her mother and her, and me and my son"
"I understand"
"so I don't have that connection..."
"Is there somebody that can get through to her? Like a best friend, a boyfriend maybe?"
"yea maybe"
Her father chuckled. Just because he didn't have such a close relationship with his daughter, did not mean that he just let her boyfriend solve this all. He was still hís daughter. was a good boy, but in some ways he came short according to him. Mr Conner knew what he meant. His father was exactly the same with his sister. She never was allowed to go out or have a boyfriend. Once she turned 18 she was finally allowed to invite guys over. Mr Conner nodded, understandable.


"I got your message. what's wrong"
"she's haunting me"
"who is?"
"my mum"
"..."
"Don't look at me like that. I'm serious!"
"I believe you. I just don't know what to do with that information"
"neither do I. that's the problem"
There was a silence.
"Wow.."
"Wow what?"
"I don't know"
"Yes you do"
"Seriously... I'm not joking. But this is the first time that we are having an actual conversation"
"... we have conversations all the time ."
"Yea, but most of the time you're like. you know. you."
"No, i do not know."
"You always know everything. You're smart. This is the first time where I see you in a desparate posision"
"I'm not desparate"
"I believe you are"
"Remember why you got here?"
"yes"
"You changed the subject."
"So what if I did?"
"You were supposed to be helping me and giving me an answer"
"An answer to what question"
"Gosh, at least help me out here!"
laughed.
"What's so funny?"
"It's nice to see that I'm smarter than you at this right moment"
"You're not."
"You asking me for help aren't you?"
"... yes"
"Well then."
"Well, give me some help then!"
enjoyed being desparate like this. Now he actually saw who she really was and only loved her more than he already did. He knew he was the first one to come this close to her heart and he took his time. He wanted it to last a little longer than she wanted. He knew that this was only for this moment. When this moment passed she would turn into her old self again and be smarter than everybody else. Heartless as he sometimes said. He knew what she had to do. He also knew that she had never done it, and that she doesn't want to do it. She had to visit her. She'd been there once, but never ever came back. Too scared somebody would see her cry, too scared somebody would see her throwing her emotions out. No, she would never ever want to do that.
"I know what you have to do"
"What?"
He had put his arm around her and she layed her head on his chest. Her cheeks still wet from crying.
"close this chapter"
"how?"
"come with me"
"where to?"
"Just, come with me"
"I don't want to go visit her"
"why not?"
"She looks me up. I don't need to look her up"
"What? when?"
"In my dreams and stuff"
"Maybe you're dreams are telling you to go visit her"
"Hmm... that makes sence"
"so... come with me"
"I still don't want to go"
"you wanted help?"
"... yes"
"Follow me then"
stood up and walked away. She thought for a second, and sniffed. was supposed to comfort her. What the fuck was he doing. She felt bad because just left her, didn't hug her and never dried her tears. She felt bad because at this right moment he wás smarter than her. And she hated it. It took her 15 seconds before she stood up and ran after him. When she catched up she grabbed his arm and hugged it, walking along with him, still holding his arm, which' hand was in his pocket. They walked their way to the graveyard. Right before the fence of the graveyard they stopped.
"Do you still know where she is?"
"Yea"
"You ready?"
took a deepbreath and was surprised by the fact that suddenly was very nice and sweet to her. Normally they wouldn't even hold hands in public, just because he thought it was cheesy and she thought it was stupid. Now, he had let her hug his arm all the way to this place, which took 15 minutes of walking. She knew why. Now that she showed her emotions to him, now that she actually did something that he wanted her to do, made him feel stronger and smarter than her and let her be the emotional girlfriend. It worked.
"I think I will never be, but lets go"
"Alright"
They both entered the graveyard. The sun was shining and it actually looked very peacefull, which surprised . The last time that she was here she was five and all these years she remembered the graveyard as this spooky place like you sometimes saw them in movies and stuff. With ghosts, loads of creepy noises, but with the sun shining everything looked different. When they were a few feet away from her mothers grave stopped walking, not wanting to get closer. She came up with an excuse.
"We don't have flowers"
She looked at . He sighed and looked around, took some flowers from another grave.
"yes we do"
He gave the flowers to . She gave it a look.
"These say 'Rest in peace Grandmother'"
"Hey, you wanted flowers"
sighed. She knew she couldn't escape.
"... you want me to wait here?"
"No... please come with me"
squeezed his hand, not wanting to let him go, making sure he was coming with him. nodded and they both walked slowly to her grave. When they got there, they both turned to look at it. It looked ruined. Like one of those grave's you find outside an old castle. Not that weird, only her dad and grandparents came here. Not even that often. They both stood there, looking at it. sighed.
"Although there's grass growing over her, she has the best spot of the whole graveyard"
"Yea I know... my dad got to choose a spot for her..."
put the flowers down that she was still holding and she had to laugh.
"Rest in peace grandmother"
smiled when she said those words. At least she could laugh through the tears.
"Would you... like, you know..."
looked at who nodded. He walked away and stopped next to a big tree. Leaning against it, looking at his girlfriend and he waited for her. He was too far away to hear what she was saying, but close enough to see her facial expression.

"Hi mum... long time no see then... well. actually last night. not that long ago. I... I don't know if it's normal to talk to a grave... but I kind of need it. I need to talk to you. I don't like you popping up in my dreams. Freaks the hell out of me. You've no idea how much I miss you, and how much I hate you right now. You made my life hell. Why would you wanna do that? You know I don't want to hate you, but you make me. You saved me, but gave yourself... why not the other way around? You made me miss you... a life without a mother. That's selfish!"
stopped talking and started sobbing.
"I don't get it mum... why do you have to keep on coming back into my life? I don't want you to... I just. I want... I think I need..."
She was crying out loud. She felt like that little kid again, at the funeral of her own mother. Her dad was crying, her whole family was sad, but she didn't get it. Why was everybody so sad. There was a big box going into the ground. She didn't cry. She was scared to cry. She knew who was in that box, but never really understood why her mother was getting burried. She was holding back the tears that day. And now, she finally had the chance to let them go. All she wanted, was a hug. Some strong arms around her, the smell of her mother. Why did she had to leave her behind. Why didn't they just all burn, be all happy in heaven together.
"Mum, why aren't you here?"
asked while whiping the tears away.
She looked at the grave and read the lines. She felt the urge to hug her mother. She also knew that it wasn't possible to ever get close to a hug of her mother. She thought for a second and then lay down on the grass, right above her mother and hold the grass tight. This was the closest she could get to a hug from her mother. She felt the warmth of the grass she was lying on that had been in the sun seconds ago. This was the closest she could ever get to her mother, there was only a little dirt in between them and she let her tears dissapear in the sand. was watching her and couldn't help it, but he had to whipe a tear away. Surprised by the fact that he had made his girlfriend do this, he felt proud. Proud of himself, but mostly proud of her. For a second wanted to fall asleep. Like she used to when she was a baby, lying on her mothers belly on the couch and sleep for hours. For a second she wanted to stay there forever never ever let the grass she was holing go. For a second she thought that she felt someone hug her from behind. Only for a second.


The End.