The Old Days,
by Pascale


Is that... her? Is that really- no it can't be. She's always been screaming about moving to Scotland where she'd own a meadow and where kids could be raised with fresh air. She won't be running around in a city after all these years. But... she surely did look like her...

A honk got me out of my thoughts as I was almost observing a girl that crossed the street right in front of me. She looked busy and minding her own business, but somehow she remembered me of this girl that I used to know but lost contact with. That one honk blew her to the back of my head as I pulled up and made my way to the studio. I was late already and my mates wouldn't be pleased with a few more minutes of their lives wasted by waiting for me. I can't help being late, I think it's in my nature.

"There he is,"
"Sorry for being-"
"Don't even finish that sentence, get your guitar and get in that booth!"

My friends aren't controlfreaks and they certainly don't have bad tempers. It's just me that brings all of that out of them, I guess. Hey, one of my well hidden talents! But, I did what my friend told me and without even taking my jacket off I took place in the booth with my guitar. I recorded everything I had to record and I could see my friends soften up behind the glass. I'm glad that I didn't have any trouble with recording today, I'd only piss them off even more.

"Hey, do you guys remember ?"
"Yes,"
"No not really, as we've never met her!" spoke, giving me a look.

I grinned, remembering that they actually only knew from my stories. There were lots of times when somebody would say something that remembered me of her. It would've been said in a way that she'd say it or it had something to do with our past. That's when I told them about her. About our memories and about my entire youth actually. She's been there all the way, seeing me growing up. She even got a better look at my youth than my own mother! I've sworn to God that, if she'd be able to play any kind of instrument, she would've been in the band. Sometimes I hate myself for losing contact with her. But, I guess that she's better off without me anyways.

"Why'd you ask?"
"Oh... uhh... I don't know,"
"You don't know?"
"Is this one of those times where you decide not to come clubbing with us because you have to think about your past and look at pictures all night?"

Yea, my friends are the best. They just aren't that sentimental.

"No, I just..."
"You just what?"
"I think I saw her today..."
"... your saying she's real?"

Oh yea. That came to the question alot. To be honest, I've had about a thousand imaginairy friends. For some reason they were all girls. Sparkle (no she was not a stripper), Joy and Lydia were all made up in my mind to keep me company when I had to sleep in the dark by myself. Yea, my dad forced me to turn of the lights every night- I still blame him when I feel scared at night. But when I met in the 2nd grade, she scared the crap out of me even more. She was Sparkle, Joy and Lydia all together, with just a bit left to be aswell. All the kids, and the teachers aswell, thought she was weird. Almost mentally retarded, but she'd been tested for that before and the results said that she was just fine. Because she reminded me so much of my imaginairy friends and because I wasn't that much of a cool kid either, I promised myself to make friends with her.

"I don't really know if it was her though,"
"I don't really know if I did the right thing not letting you be hospitalised..."

Yea... I know, they're harsh, but they're my friends. We star in this band together and they've been around long enough to know how far they can go with jokes. And, I know how far they will go. I'm glad that they're only joking though. What if I'd met people who thought that I seriously did have problems because of a weird childhood? That couldn't have turned out right. No, I phrase myself lucky with these three monkeys, if you will.

"I was sitting in the car, and she was crossing the street with a whole bunch of other people and I only saw her face from the side-"
"How can you recognise her anyways? It's been ages since you've seen each other,"
"Exactly,"

See, they can be normal. Well, at least one of them has his moments of sharing.

"If I say it's her, will you shut up and get your gear?"
"Yea, we're meeting down at the pub"
"Lucky bastard did all his recording yesterday already"
"?"

During these months my life could be written down on an easy schedule. Monday morning; wake up, find inspiration, write it down, call , record guitar or vocals, go clubbing. Tuesday morning; wake up, find inspiration, write it down, call , record guitar of vocals, go clubbing. The rest of the week looked pretty much the same. There were always a few adjustments when unexpected things would happen. The only thing that didn't change was the notepad in my pocket with a pen right next to it. You never know when inspiration hits you, and when it does, you can loose it in an instant. So, it's important that you write stuff down so you can remember it later on.

"Huh yea?"
"Your stuff?"
"Oh guys, you know what? I think I'll just go home and get some rest"
"See, I told you,"

gave a look. He did say it; this was one of those evenings where I wouldn't join them clubbing but where I would go home and think about my past- the time where I secretly still lived. I loved my past. There were so many good things to think about. Memories of all kinds which I loved to look back on. People might say that it's bad to live in the past; you should look at your future, at what's to come. I don't mind living in the past.

"Sorry guys,"
"Just for what it's worth,"
"yea?"
"If it would've been her, she probably wouldn't have recognised you either..."

Wise words of that I just shrugged off. There was a chance! There had to be! Come on, I'm on TV, I'm in the magazines. Oh, wait. I'm sorry about that. We're in the magazines and we're on TV. Me and the other three lads that form this band together. It's not as if we're not known around this country. But then again, I knew that had a thing against the television. She'd rather play outside or think about what to invent to make the world a better place.

"Don't drive into a tree please? You can think about her as much as you want to when you get home, just don't get distracted on your way there, alright?"

I didn't know if was joking or not, but I nodded as I waved them goodbye. Getting into my car I took one last deep breath of the outside air as I chuckled to myself. She used to do that aswell. It's funny how a person can change your life to dramatically as she changed mine. If it wasn't for her I'd still be sat in my room with my gameconsol in my hands, not knowing what a guitar looked like. Even though 's advice was serious, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about her on my way home. If somebody tells you not to think of somebody, you can't really help yourself but think of them, right?

----

"?"
"Yea?"
"Nothing..."


Yea, she did that alot. The first time she'd say that, she actually did mean something but thought her words weren't good enough to be shared. I always had to ask again.

"What?"
"It's just that... wouldn't the world be such a better place when matresses had holes for your arm, so when you'd lay on your side, you'd fit perfectly? And, your spine would be straight, which I know is important,"
"Yea I guess,"
"And, you know how when your snuggling, that arm always gets in the way?"
"Yes"
"It would make snuggling easier too... that might be even more important than having a straight spine,"

Everytime she came up with an idea like that, I wondered how anybody else never thought of them. I mean, they weren't always the best ideas, but some of them really made sence! The hole in the matress seemed perfect at the time, but we were 7 back then. So, what did we know? I've never been in a bed with an arm hole in it, so I wouldn't know if it was comfortable or not, but I guess that a bed without a hole in it will fit me better.

"?"
"Yea?"
"Nothing..."

The second time she'd say that, she really meant nothing. Just a reassurance of me being there, and of me listening to what she was saying. We had rules, but they were unwritten. First time nothing, there was something and the second time nothing, there really was nothing.

----

I don't even know why I'm keeping all the pictures of her. Actually... I do know. Because she still means something to me. If she died today, I'd go to her funeral and I'd even cry. That's how much of a meaning she has. She probably remembers me as an old friend, nothing more. If I'd die I think she will think about going to my funeral, but in the end she wouldn't go- let alone cry over me. I never really have seen her cry. Only one time when I accidently ripped the head of her stuffed animal. Mister Queen, as it's name was. He was a big old teddybear which had been by her side since the day she was born. I'd tried to explain to her before that the name Mister Queen wasn't right, but she just didn't want to have it.

----

"Do you have a stuffed animal?"
"yes,"

I remember lots of giggling aswell. I never had a stuffed animal and didn't know what it was like to have a fake bear, staring at you while you were trying to get to sleep. Maybe that's why the dark still scares me so much.

"His name is Mister Queen,"
"Mister Queen?"
"Yes,"
"Don't you mean Mrs. Queen?"
"No,"

There have been about a million times when I asked myself why the hell I was hanging around with this girl. She was strange but made everything have a reason. Suddenly things that were weird before, seemed normal after an explanation of hers. I guess that she wasn't mentally ill, she just had an amazingly high IQ and matured very quickly, even though that was the last thing she wanted.

"But... only girls are queens,"
"Mister Queen is a boy"
"If he's a boy, he should be called king!"
"Your surname can be anything, it doesn't say a thing about your gender!"
"What's gender mean?"
"If you're a man or a woman"
"Oh,"

She knew loads. Her dad and her had conversations that I never understood. They used difficult words, and her mother would just smile at me and give me all the hot chocolate I wanted. Their family seemed perfect. If I had imaginairy parents, they would've been exactly like 's parents. Even though I loved being at 's place, she preffered my home over hers. At first I didn't understand why. But, I soon found out that she was jealous of me. I had a sister. She was alone at home, I was never alone.

"Why don't you ask your parents for a baby?"
"They can't give me a baby"
"Yes they can, they can give you a brother or a sister if you want to!"
"My parents can't"

I figured by that time that she was smarter than me, so I wasn't gonna tell her that she was wrong. She probably had an explanation for her words ready anyways.

"Why can't they?"
"I am the only child they were able to make,"
"How?"
"My mum has had one baby before, but that one died in her tummy"
"...oh,"
"I nearly died too!"
"Wow,"
"Luckily I didn't, but now every baby in my mum's tummy will die before it can even come out,"

Then I thought I had the best idea ever. Mind you, I was only 7 at the time!

"Do you want to have my sister?"
"Don't we have to ask your parents first?"
"I think so,"
"Won't you miss her?"
"No, we only fight all the time, she's not so nice to me"
"Won't you be lonely?"
"I'd still have my parents,"
"... you can have Mister Queen if you want to..."

That night I got to sleep with Mister Queen, staring at me while I was trying to get to sleep. My sister got to sleep at her place. I felt lonely. Who was I gonna run to when I got too scared to be in the dark alone? Mister Queen was there, yes. But, he wasn't mine. He would never ever protect me! He'd only protect because he'd known her since the day she was born. The next day I gave her Mister Queen back, and she was more than happy to take him. She told me about how she couldn't sleep last night because she knew that my sister wouldn't scare the ghosts away, because my sister hasn't been around her since she was born. My sister had been around me since I was born, so she could only protect me. From that moment me and my sister have never been in another fight until today.

I stopped infront of my house and mentally thanked for giving the advice that I didn't listen to. I've been thinking about her all my way back home and actually don't remember if I took all the right turns, but I made it alright, so I must have done.

Getting inside the first thing I thought of were the photo albums that were stood on the topshelf of the DVD tower in my livingroom. I got greeted by Bumbum, my orange cat. Yes, boys can have cats too. And, don't laugh at her name, she's been through a lot of counseling to get over the bullies that picked on her because of her name when she was just a child. I have a cat because stuffed animals aren't that good company when you need somebody. And, dogs need the walking and everything, so they're not good for me. I dropped my bag next to the bin in my kitchen which reminded me that I still had to empty it. Litter was overflowing my kitchen- I'm serious, it's disgusting! I made my way to the livingroom, followed by Bumbum and got the photo albums of my DVD tower carefully enough so not one DVD fell down. Go me.

That cup of hot chocolate was made quickly and I settled on the sofa. With some of my favourite music in the background I enjoyed myself and relived all the moments that had been captured, with Bumbum by my side of course. (Ok, if I sound like an old grey man, I'm really not!)

----

"Children?"
"Yes,"
"There's a thunderstorm coming, want to go and check it out?"

Her dad was the greatest. I don't remember what his job was, but it was boring enough to spend lots of time with his daughter and teach her loads of stuff. Whenever there was a thunderstorm heading towards our town, he'd drive her (and me if I was there) up to the big hill a little outside the city. From there you had the greatest view on and whenever there was a thunderstorm, it looked amazing!

"Both have you rainboots on?"
"Yes!"
"Got your binoculars?"
"Yes!"
"Let's go then!"

Her dad wasn't only the best father around, he also was really funny. Well, I never really understood any of the jokes he made, but they made her laugh, and seeing as she's clever I want to bet that they were always funny. Well, thinking about that... if I would've had one daughter and not being able to get any more children, I'd spoil her rotten aswell.

The picture of two little 7 year olds, in rainboots and raincoats with both binoculars glued to their eyes were standing on the edge of the hill, looking out over the city, trying to see the lightning. Still one of my favourite pictures, and not just because this was before we cared about hairproducts (because we looked aweful with those hairdo's, but were still cute). But because we were the most innocent kids around.

----

"What are you drawing?"
"A birdseed shirt,"
"A what?"
"A birdseed shirt!"

Often we'd spend afternoons sitting at the kitchen table with a bunch of white paper and a few pencils and lots of inspiration and fantasies.

"What's that?"
"It's the one and only chance to make people fly without getting onto a plane, helicopter or anything like that,"
"Hot air balloon?"
"Right,"
"Well... how does it work?"
"You see, this is a silver shirt, covered in birdseed and glue. Blackbirds get attracked to the silver and then see there's birdseed! They'll fly onto you to eat the birdseed, meanwhile, they're getting glued to the shirt,"

She made these things look normal and brilliant. Why did nobody else ever think of this?

"When you have enough blackbirds they'll lift you and you'll be able to fly!"
"Oh cool!"
"Yes, I'm drawing the steeringstick later!"
"The what?"
"A stick with on the end a silver bracelet or something, so that you can point that to the direction you want to fly to, the blackbirds will follow the sparkle,"

I remember that I had to laugh at her naming one of my imaginairy friends without even knowing it. didn't know of them, of course. It'll be too embarresing for me to tell her. Period.

----

I woke up, nearly midday. Shit- I looked at the photo album that was still resting on my lap. I didn't even get past page two! What time did I fall asleep? Never mind, I heard Bumbum in the kitchen, calling out for food. Getting up I realised that it had been ages since I woke up in the same outfit as I was wearing the night before. It's been ages since I was completely hammered, too drunk to get my clothes of before getting into bed or staying over anybody else's place and colaps on the sofa or what ever. Shit- I ran out of catfood? When did that happen? I looked at Bumbum, who looked at me with begging eyes and I sighed.

"Alright, let me get a quick shower and I'll run down to the shops for you, ok?"

I don't know if Bumbum ever really understood what I was saying, but I liked talking to her anyways, so that didn't really matter. After a shower and a change of clothes I was ready to go to the shops. First I checked if I had any food left at all, but after seeing an empty refridgerator it was clear that I had to go full on grocery shopping. would understand if I'd get late, right?

I'm really bad at making shopping lists. I never know what to put onto them and when I finally have put some kind of list of food together, I forget to take it with me. Like this time. I'm faced with the isles of Somerfield and I have no idea what I need, want and have to have. Alright, let's start with catfood- the one thing I know I need. Meanwhile, let's call so that he knows that I'm here, actually doing something, and not crying over some pictures of my past, which he probably thinks I'm doing.

"Yhello?"
"Blue,"
"What?"
"You started!"
", you missed out on action last night man!"
"Yea right ok, I'm just calling to let you know that I'm at the shops right now,"
"You're actually really buying food?!"

Yea, I never really got to it. So, this is quite a miracle that you're reading about right now. I'm always the one that has to go 'round to my friends to borrow an egg or sugar. Or, a complete meal, whatever.

"Yea, Bumbum ran out of food,"
"Don't say her name out loud for your own sake, please"
"So, anyways, what time you all planning to go to the studios?"
"Not,"
"What?"
"We're skipping the weekend,"
"Weekend... what day is it?"
"Saturday!"

You loose track of days quite easily when you live my life. It's the same as when your on a holiday to Spain or whatever and every day looks the same in the summer. All my days look quite the same and I never really have to wonder about what day it is.

"Oh alright, so I guess I see you lads on Monday then?"
"Well, we were hoping tonight to be honest,"
"What's tonight?"
"What's always tonight! Come on , last night was so awesome, you would've loved to be there! I swear!"
"Yea alright, I'll call you later to let you know, okay?"
"Yea alright... say hi to Bumbum for me alright?"

Secretly they all loved her. I knew they did, they just didn't want to let it show. Bless.

"Will do,"
"Alright, bye!"
"Bye,"

Okay, so I had catfood already and I'd noticed people looking at me weirdly. I've learned to ignore all of that a long time ago, but calling at a time like this wasn't the most clever thing to do. Luckily I haven't said his name out loud- I knew that people were still guessing at this point.

"Is that... ?"

Oh see, there we go. The first one that took a step and actually asked me. Now I had to sign something and then next, more people would come once they saw that it really is from McFly- I'm just grocery shopping for God's sake!!

"Yea,"

I turned around after I said that and my mind already expected to see a girl around the age 14-18 or something, but when I saw a girl my age I was quite surprised. Well, actually a little more than quite surprised.

"You probably don't remember me,"
"But I do,"
"Really?"
"It's kind of hard to forget, isn't it,"

She giggled. She giggled and in a flash I noticed that her giggle was the same, but overall she had changed. She had changed so much. Nothing about her was the same, except for the way her face looked. I could see it was her, but then again I couldn't. I was glad that it was her. It's really her!

"How are you doing?"

She asked me while she stepped forward to hug me. I told her I was doing fine, just buying my cat some food and try to remember what else I needed to get. I also told her that I saw her the other day, crossing the street and that I wasn't sure if it had been her, but I told it lightly. Not stalkerish like I might sound. She was smiling. She seemed so happy. Why the hell did I loose contact with her? She might even be the best thing that ever happened to me, why do I have to be so stupid at times?!

"Oh, it's been so long,"
"Yea, I know! Last time I saw you was at your parents anniversery, wasn't it?"
"And that's aaaages ago as they broke up three years ago,"
"What?"
"They divorced... but anyways, it's awesome to just run into you like this,"
"Yea, hey! Why are you in London?"

That's when she showed me. She even blushed a little. Instead of answering me she showed me her right hand. Next to the fact that I loved just seeing that hand, those fingers, that soft skin... she had the biggest god damn diamond on that ring that I have ever seen. Bloody fucking hell.

"You're getting married?!"

Okay, that sounded a bit too in shock, so I added a quick congratulations and a smile on my face. I just never thought of her getting married... which sounds stupid, because of course she was just a person like me in her 20s. Loads of people get married in their 20s... I just still have her in mind as that little inventive clever girl. I don't know if I'm happy with this information or not, but I guess I can at least be nice to her.

"Yea, in two weeks, but we're getting everything sorted now so.."
"May I ask who is the lucky man?"

She smiled and in her eyes I could see that inside she hadn't changed. She was still the same, but just a bit different. She grew up, just like I did. I'm not the same person like I was back then. Is it weird to think that I didn't expect her to grow up?

"Do you remember ?"
"? as in Goth ?"

She laughed and nodded.

"Are you serious?"

I burst out laughing. No, I know it's not the nicest thing to do, but used to be the goth kid that everybody bullied. Even I bullied him, and I was one of the biggest losers around!

"Yea I know what you're thinking, but he doesn't wear eyeliner anymore, he's a whole different person than how you remember him,"

I can't believe that ... is gonna marry Goth . She can't be serious... but that ring that's looking at me from the corner of it's eye is looking quite serious.

"Oh my goshh... !!"

Yea... see? By the time one person starts talking to me, the others will follow sooner or later. I had to be quick and be nice aswell. Did you know that we actually get instructions on how to handle things like this? It's quite stupid if you ask me. I gave the girl a nod and a smile, letting her know that she was talking to the right person and turned back to , trying to wrap our conversation up.

"Yeaa.... I ehh, I'm gonna wanna have to go now,"
"I see, now with your big success I think nobody can keep you to themselves, can they?"

Even though I wasn't quite sure what she meant with that, she gave my shoulder a nudge. I'd do anything for another touch like that.

"But hey, want to meet up for coffee or whatever this week? If you're not too busy wearing weddingdresses and looking at flowers and what not,"

Score, I made her laugh.

"Yea sure,"

I don't know what it was, but for some reason I imagened our first conversation in years to go well different. We'd laugh and share memories with each other and talk about our past and what happened after we didn't see each other anymore and we'd also tell each other how much we missed the old days. She wouldn't tell me that she was gonna get married in two weeks and there were no fans to interrupt us. Hell, we wouldn't even be in a simple shop like this! But we were... and she did tell me that she was gonna get married. Maybe she already had kids with !! Oh my Gosh... I wish I had never ran into her. Living in that dream of meeting her in the perfect place at the perfect time was so much better than the actual thing. I couldn't help being a bit dissapointed. We exchanged phone numbers and she gave me the hotel name of where she was staying. She only knew a few shops and a few restaurants in London, so I had to go and pick her up to take her some place. We said our goodbye's and shared another hug. When I walked away I noticed how many teenage girls were surrounding me and I nearly ran to pay for my catfood, soup and crackers (which was all I managed to get).

----

"Did you finish your homework?"
"Yea,"
"Can I read it?"
"No,"
"Ah come on please?"
"No! It's a poem, that's personal stuff man! It's not even finished anyways,"
"You just said you were finished with it!"
"I lied,"

My poem was finished and it was (well, to me anyways) quite good. She wanted to read it, but I didn't want her to know what my poem was about. I said to her that it was about games and computers, but secretly it was about her. I think she knew, but she let it go after begging for me to read it to her and me still not giving in. I remember every word of it.

More than a human being
More than just a friend
I wish I could take her with me
This doesn't need to be the end

Our lives get ripped apart
while they've always been together
I wish that we could be like in movies
you know, like real friends for ever

If I never ever see her again
It maybe will break my heart
I hope that I will see you again
and be far away from being apart

Yea alright, maybe it's not that good. But for a 14 year old it's quite good, isn't it? It was for school, but I really meant what I wrote down. Not just a lame crap poem about computer and games like I said it was. This really meant something to me. Maybe that's why I still remember it after all those years. Gosh, I'm quite pathetic if you look at it like that.

----

I got home, and again I didn't remember much of the trip to it. I'm just glad that I found it and still have the plastic bag in my hands. Bumbum must be starving!!

"Yhello?"
"... ahh I get it now,"
"what?"
"Why you said blue the other time,"
"Why you calling?"
" wanted me to check on you and see if you made your mind up yet about tonight?"
"Check up on me? Why?"
"Because we explained to him why you stayed home last night... we got scared, thinking you're suicidal or something, I don't know"
", I'm not suicidal"
"Just checking! How about tonight?"
"Uhh... I don't know yet,"
"Come on, don't be a pussy! We have the best plans ever!"
"Like what?"
"We're all over at 's place, we're gonna order pizza here and play X-Box games and stuff, pour some beer down and then head for the pub, where we can get more drinks and then go to the clubs. We're all staying over at 's so don't worry about driving or anything,"
"Hmm... yea"
"Yea what?"
"I ran into today,"
"Oh yea, another thing we were concerned about. You might be halucinating mate,"
"Yea but she talked back this time,"
"It's getting worse!"
"No ! Listen, we actually met at the store when I was grocery shopping and we had a chat... it was really her, she recognized me and we exchanged numbers,"
"... are you sure it's not just a girl- or even worse, a fan who looks like her?"
"...I'm not gonna come with you tonight,"
"Partypooper!"
"Bye ,"

Sometimes they do go too far. I don't know if he was joking or not, but I think he was. I hope he was. I'm not suicidal or halucinating what so ever. It was really her! It was really, really her. Was it? I should give her a ring... even though that might look stupid as it's not even 20 minutes ago that we met.

I suddenly remembered her telling me that her parents divorced. She rumbled over it, but she did tell me. It just hit me like a hard bitch slap in the face. Why the hell did they break up? They were the most perfect parents ever! They showed love towards each other, like couples are supposed to do. They showed love to their child, which parents are supposed to do. They even showed love to me, which they didn't need to do, but which was nice. They were my second parents. The best around. Everybody wondered how they managed to be that way. Every couple had fights! It seemed like they never had. Maybe that's why they broke up. Because they weren't a normal married couple that had up and downs. Their whole marriage was an up. There were no downs. Oh, I can't get over it! They were so great! Why didn't I know that they broke up? My mother must have known! Yea, they weren't the best friends, my parents and hers, but is not that big of a place and there's always gossip going around. When we meet up I have to ask her about it. Tell her how I feel about it. She seemed alright with it though, just said it like it was nothing. Had she gotten over it already? Well, she probably has. It's been a long time ago as she said... should I call her, or not?

----

"?"
"Yea?"
"Nothing..."
"What?"
"It's just that... wouldn't the world be a better place without microwaves?"
"... I don't know,"
"Think about it..."
".... I still don't know,"
"People would have to eat fresh food all the time and be healthy and fit, people won't get fat that easy and-"
"People don't get fat from microwaves!"
"Not always,"
"I eat stuff out of a microwave all the time!"
"I said, not always... some people just take adventage of it and only use them for microwave meals and hamburgers instead of milk,"

"?"
"Yea..."
"Nothing,"

We always had a little chat like that before we went to sleep. She always had something on her mind that she had to tell me about last minute. She might forget during the night and what if she'd forget something really important that she wasn't able to tell me? People can die from that if you think about it.

---

Three days later, found a gap in her schedule. I showed up at her hotel and told the gay man behind the desk that I was here for Miss . He took the phone and said that I had to take place in the lobby. It took about 10 minutes for to get down there, but to my surprise there was a handsome man following her. He looked like a mix of all the good looking actors and probably worked as a model. I saw her smiling at me while walking towards me, still with this same guy behind her. I stood up to give her a hug hello. That's when she stepped aside and looked at him. He was looking at me and I suddenly realised who I was looking at.

", remember ?"

I was shocked. The whole My Chemical Romance look had changed into an Ashton Kutcher one. I understood why was marrying him, I felt ugly and under dressed next to him. Skinny too, this man had muscles that Superman would be jealous of. I shook his hand and he smiled at me.

" ... what a bloody long time ago!"
"I almost didn't recognize you without the... well, black all over,"

He took the joke and laughed. Never would I have imagened that this person could turn out to be perfect (and if that sounds like I'm gay, I'm not).

"Well you haven't changed one bit, "
"That's also because we see you more often than you'd think we do,"
"Yea, you're all over the magazines man, even we wanted to escape we couldn't,"

This time I took the joke and laughed. Then for a second I thought, is he gonna come with us? I surely hope not! That would ruin everything! I saw how leant in for a peck on his cheek while she patted his stomach.

"Have fun with Sam alright? Tell him hi from me,"
"Will do, you two have fun aswell,"

nodded at me and walked away. The panicing I did earlier was stupid, because of course he wasn't gonna come with us. I guess that they both took the evening out of the busy wedding scheduling or something, I don't know. And I don't know who Sam is either, but I didn't care. Now that had left the hotel, looked at me and took a deep breath while she smiled.

"So, where are we going?"
"I'm not gonna tell you."
"Why not?"
"Because it's a surprise!"
"I thought you didn't like surprises!"
"I don't... but you do,"

She linked her arm into mine while we made our way outside. Feeling her arm against mine made me realise something. All this time, the person that I had been dreaming about was her... but then about, let's say, 10years younger. I didn't expect her to grow up to be a woman. She would always be the same, but then she didn't and it got me confused. She threated me like we were still close mates and if this all wasn't weird at all, but to me everything was weird. From the day that I saw her crossing the street 'till this moment- it all doesn't make any sence!

----

"I want to bet that I can jump higher than you can,"
"I want to bet that you are wrong!"

I got a trampoline for my birthday and we spend all afternoon on it. We got tired, so from time to time we colapsed and just layed, staring at the clouds and making up things that they could be. Sometimes there were clouds and weren't anything, and some times it only took a minute for one to change into something else. My dad would come and bring us lemonade while he enjoyed sitting outside in the sun and taking pictures of our garden. The first thing he ever built himself was our backgarden. He also built the trampoline but didn't want to go on it himself. 'It's not for grown ups' he said, and we both agreed. Trampolines were for kids and that's what we were. For the past few years, whenever I come home to my parents' place I see that trampoline in that garden, doing absolutely nothing. I told my dad that he can get rid of it if he wants to. But he always waves that idea away. I don't know why... but he just doesn't want to do it.

"That cloud looks like a racecar,"
"Why do your clouds always look like racecars?"
"Sometimes my clouds look like turtles too!"
".... I'd love to see a race car with a turtle in it!"
"Do you mean a cloud that looks like that?"
"Or the real thing... I don't care,"

That sounded like a cool idea. Turtles aren't able to walk pretty fast, let alone run! So, putting a turtle in a racecar made sence. That way they'd be able to travel faster when they weren't able to swim, because we knew that turtles were very fast swimmers. Sadly enough we didn't know anybody with a racecar or with a turtle... so we just settled for the cloud version.

----

"Okay, I don't want to ruin your whole surprise thing, but seriously... where are we?"
"On a hill,"
"Yea I figured,"
"So why ask where we are, if you already know the answer?"

I took her up a hill where at the very top a small coffee place was located. It was hidden by trees and bushes but the people who lived around here knew where it was. A well hidden secret which no outsider was supposed to know about. I only know it because I had to play on the other side of this hill and when we were done playing, we took off to find a starbucks. Instead of finding a starbucks, we ended up here. But... that's not the only reason why I took her to this hill.

"Okay, hold on for just a second,"
", please... what are we doing here? It's gonna rain any second now!"
"Close your eyes,"
"What?"
"Close your eyes!"

She sighed and closed her eyes. I know that she might not seem amused now, but she will be in a second, I promis!

"Ok, take my hand and do not open your eyes until I tell you too,"
"I won't,"

It was only a few steps away, it was just around the corner.

"Okay... are you ready?"
"For what?"
"To open your eyes,"
"Yes"
"Okay... one... two... three,"

slowly opened her eyes and she immediatly gasped, bringing her hands to her mouth. With the small coffee place just behind us, we were looking out over the city. The view was more spectaculair than from what she was used to. There were more lights, more buildings, more houses, just overal more to look at. And, right above London.... a thunderstorm was about to take place.

"Oh my gosh,"
"Do you like it?"
"Do I like it?!"

Ouch, she punched me.

", I love it! It's so beautiful!"

The first lightning was seen and not long after the thunder followed. She couldn't take her eyes off of it, but when I dangled a binocular in front of her face she looked at me, even more in shock. She smiled and took it, while shaking her head at me, making me chuckle. The wind started blowing, making her (and mine a little too) fly around her head. With her face glued to the binoculars I saw the same that I used to see. It was her. Any doubt I had before was gone... this was the I know. The one from the picture in my photo album, the one from my memories.

"So, tell me..."
"What?"
"Do still look as hot as I used to with wet hair?"

Again she giggled. We both looked ridiculous, just like in that picture where we were both in our rainboots. Still managed to look cute... if I know her secret, I'll tell you guys. Our hands were warming up, holding a cup of hot chocolate, making me remind the taste of the old days. I guess it did the same to her.

"It's been such a long time since I've seen a thunderstorm like that..."
"Same for me... I was so glad that you were able to make some time for me today, otherwise my whole plan would've been screwed,"
"You know... I never really let the rain fall onto my head, or on my face.... on anything really, but I forgot how good it actually feels,"
"Remember that if I wouldn't have dragged you inside, you probably would've been hit by the lightning!"

Again she laughed. I never really make people laugh with jokes... only with my stupidity, and that's only fun for them, not for me. I always feel embarresed no matter what I do to make people laugh. With it was different. It was almost like flirting and I wondered if she would tell Adam what we'd been up to.

"Can I ask you a question..."
"Asking me if you can ask me someting is asking me a question you know,"
"Why did your parents divorce?"

It seemed like a hit a soft spot, but she was perfectly able to hide it. She forgot that I knew her better than most people and I did see that she felt uncomfortable talking about it. Still, she wanted to explain what had happened. I was glad for that, as I was curious to find out.

"My dad slept with another woman,"
"... really?"
"Yea... the minute he did it, he realised what he was doing and stopped, ran back home and told my mother everything he had done and how sorry he was,"
"That's terrible,"
"Yea, but I guess it shows just how much of a honest human being he is,"
"True,"
"My mum was able to forigve him because he told the truth to her and she respected that, and she also knew that he really felt horrible for what he had done,"

She stopped her story to take a little sip of her smoking hot chocolate. I didn't really know what to say, so I just listened to her.

"But about a month later when everything got back to normal, my dad came home from work, looking like a zombie... I asked him what was wrong, and he told me to go to my room... I didn't, but I went to sit on the stairs so I was able to hear what he was gonna say to my mother... in the kitchen he told her that the woman that he slept with had gotten pregnant... he was having a baby with another woman,"

I didn't want to look stupid, but as she was telling her story, I couldn't help but he upper shocked. I knew what this meant, but she didn't know that I knew, so she explained to me anyways.

"And remember how my mother wasn't able to get more children besides me...? She felt as if my dad wanted more children and that that was the reason why he went to bed with that other lady. Of course that wasn't true, but it was reason enough for my mum to say that he had to get out of the house,"
"I don't know what to say..."
"You don't have to say anything... I rather have you say nothing than be like everybody else who hears this story and says that they're sorry for me, while they're really not as they don't know how I must feel," "I want to bet that they try to, though,"
"Yes, and that's nice, but they still won't know... so be sorry for somebody else whose been through the same thing as you have, but not for me,"
"... can I still be a bit sorry?"
"... okay,"

I don't know what happened, but the that I met at the shops when I was holding a basket with catfood and soup had changed already. Then she seemed like a business woman with manners. One that was professional and nice and friendly... but not like her. Not like she used to be. Now she did look like the way I thought she would be. Like I thought she would turn out to be. She was ...




"Oh my gosh... would you look at the time?"

I did as I was told and checked my watch, only to find out that we spent over three hours up here.

" is gonna kill me!"
"... would he really?"
"No of course not,"

She giggled again, and then stood up from her seat. I wondered if she wanted to go back to her hotel already... we're having such a good time. If she could, she probably would want to stay, but now she feels guilty about , I guess. That doesn't mean that I can't suggest what I want to do.

"Is more of a jealous type... or more of a 'hey go do your own thing, see you in the morning!' kind of type?"
"Ehh... I guess you could say somewhere in between... we give each other our own time and trust that we won't do stupid things... why?"
"What would you say if I asked you to come back to my place?"
".... , I'm getting married!"
"No, not in that way! I just want to introduce you to somebody!"
"I thought you said you lived by yourself?" "I do,"

I got her confused, which is kind of what I wanted. Now she was curious about what I had in store of her. Before she answered me she checked her phone. I don't know if it was for the time, or to see if she had any missed calls. But, then she looked at me, smirked and shrugged.

"Why not?"
"I don't know,"
"Exactly, let's go!"

She walked over to her coat, grabbed it and thanked the owner of the coffee place for everything. So did I, and I received a thumbs up which made me laugh. It reminded me of... well, basically everybody who sees me with a girl on my arm. They all have to give me a thumbs up... except for of course, who half of the time thinks the girls are skanks. But that's just . We left the place and were relieved to see a taxi, just down the road. It was still raining, so we ran with our coats hanging over our heads. We stepped in and I was glad that it was an empty taxi with a nice driver who was more than willing to give us a ride back home.

"Just a random question,"
"Yes?"
"Is it normal for your kitchen to smell like a dump?"

Crap, I still needed to get rid of all the garbage that was lying basically everywhere in my kitchen. She was holding a glass of water which she poored herself after I offered her a redbull. To my surprise she nearly took it, but when she was touching the can she looked at me and stepped to the tap. 'That stuff messes with your brain' she said and took a glass from the cabinet. I smiled and walked to my livingroom where I know Bumbum was sitting on the sofa.

"Yea sorry 'bout that, normally it looks.... well, the same, but then there's no smell,"

It's amazing how I'm able to keep making her laugh and giggle. Sometimes my jokes aren't that funny, so then she just smiles. But it's still a smile. For my mates I would've received a roll of the eye and maybe a punch or two.

"Now,"

I turned around and focussed on Bumbum. now noticed that there was a cat sitting next to me, looking at her with big eyes.

"I don't want you to mean to this lady okay Bumbum? She's very nice and will probably think you're very cute, so don't worry... she's not here to take your place, alright? You'll always be the one and only for me,"

I turned my face to and saw her smiling at me. She stepped forward, looking at Bumbum and she cleared her throat.

"Hi Bumbum... I'm , nice to meet you,"

reached out her hand and it didn't even take a second for Bumbum to lift her head just a little so her hand would stroke her, while her hand wasn't even moving.

"She says hi back,"
"Awh, she's so cute,"

I looked at Bumbum.

"I told you she would think so, now didn't I?"

started laughing and sat down, making Bumbum sit in between us. She stroked her a few more times when she started to look around. I saw her looking at the balcony, at the TV, at the DVD tower and at Bumbums bed.

"You have a nice place,"
"Thanks,"
"It's not as big as I expected though... I mean, you must be making quite some money and everything..."
"That doesn't mean that I want to live in a massive house with nobody but myself,"
"Don't forget Bumbum,"
"... and Bumbum. No, I rather save my money for something else, something better, than to just spend it on a mansion. This place is just right,"
"Fits just one person,"
"And it's perfect. Loads of time people want to stay over, like... let's say, my band mates. Or they want to throw parties and everything, so I'm very glad that it can never be my place because it's just too small. I never have to deal with the mess,"
"Except for the mess in your kitchen though,"
"And you haven't even seen the bedroom!"

She laughed and took a sip from her glass. I suddenly remembered Mr Queen and was about to ask her if she still had it (de-headed or not) but my phone rang. It was ... I looked at .

"... I'm not gonna stop you from answering a phone call!"
"Are you sure?"
"Ok.. don't answer it!!"
"... wait, what?"
"I was joking! Answer your phone!"

She smiled and rolled her eyes at me. I pressed the green button and answered my phone. To be polite I stood up and walked to the hallway. I mean... it's polite to not bother other people with your phonecall, right? At least I think it is, I always see people do it on TV shows. Maybe that's just because they want privacy... I don't know, but I did it anyways.

", hey,"
" bro, where you at?"
"... why are you talking like a black guy?"
"I've been talking to my neighbour for too long I guess,"
"Ah right, well... I'm at home right now,"
"Care to come over tonight, we're gonna go clubbing in like, half an hour,"
"I kind of can't, I have company,"
"Company?"

I wasn't sure if I should say her name out loud as she was sitting in the livingroom and probably still could hear every word I'm saying. That's when she nearly scared the crap out of me when she suddenly spoke from right behind me.

"You kind of can't do what?"
"Ehh... , can you hold on for a second?"

I didn't wait for an answer but just covered the talking bit of my phone up with my hand.

"One of my mates just asked me if I wanted to come clubbing in half an hour,"
"Do you want to go?"
"Ehh... well, no... I can't because you are here,"
"That's not what I asked you,"
"... wouldn't my answer be incredibly rude if I said yes or flirtatious if I said no?"
"No, it's just what you want,"
"Okay, yes I kind of do want to go clubbing, but I also kind of don't want to go because it's rude to just leave you here,"
"... who said anything about leaving me here?"

She raised one eyebrow at me and smirked. I looked surprised but impressed, making her smile. She turned around and pointed at the door of my bedroom.

"Bedroom?"

I nodded as I put the phone back to my ear. I saw her walking in, I don't know for what reason but I was more focussed on telling that I was gonna come clubbing with them (first time in a few days) and bring somebody with me. Somebody they thought was fake, imaginary, made up and what ever other word you can think of. I even got a bit excited.

"?"
"Is that a girl who's there with you?"
"... count me in,"
"Are you serious? This is not just something you're saying to get rid of our calls, right?"
"No, I'm being serious, I'll be at your place in half an hour with somebody,"
"... you mean, you have more friends besides us?"
"See you in a bit,"
"Man, that's almost like cheating! Are you cheating on us, are you-"

never got to finish that sentence, I hung up on him. I smiled to myself and shook my head. She was still cute, but just grown up... she got a little cheeky aswell. Sorry if I keep on saying that about her, but I just can't get over it. I walked into my bedroom, and the smile that was playing on my face faded in an instant. What in the world just happened here? There were loads of clothes on the floor before she entered, I know, but now my whole wardrobe seemed to be spread out across the room. Next to that, she was holding my favourite T-Shirt and without caring she ripped it apart.

"What the... what the hell, are you doing?"
"Making myself an outfit,"
"But... what, oh my G- my favourite shirt,"
".... oh come on, are you one of those guys?"
"One of who?"
"A materialistic person who cries over something as stupid as this?"

In a minute she turned my shirt into a dress. A short one, but it was a dress.

"Here, your new favourite shirt,"

She threw me a shirt... which strangely enough I had never seen before. I looked at her, confused about where the hell she got this shirt and incredibly in shock because of how she made my favourite (may I repeat, my one and only favourite) shirt look good as a dress. How can anybody do that? No, literally... how can anybody fix a shirt into a dress and make it look good?

"Do you happen to own a blow-dryer?"
"Uhh... yea, bathroom... why?"
"Because my hairs frizzy and I've only got 25minutes to try and turn your food into make-up,"
"... food?"
"Berry juice is the best lipgloss I can wish for,"

She makes make-up out of food? How amazing is this woman!! I looked at the shirt that I was holding in my hands... why do I still not recognize this shirt?

"You never wore that, did you? I found it in the back of your wardrobe... Now, get changed.... we don't want to be late,"

She left the room and I heard her finding the bathroom. In seconds the sound of the blow-dryer filled up my whole apartment. I shook my head as I looked around my room. If things wouldn't have been messy already, I might have told her to clean it up. But... seeing as I'm probably more of a pig than she is, I'm gonna have to let it go. I mean, it's just clothes which I can pile up in like, 10 minutes. Okay, maybe 15 or even 20 if their shirts... but still. I looked in the mirror and smiled. If one of my mates would've done this, I probably would've killed them. Gosh... I'm such a pussy.

"So you're ..."
"Yes, and you are?"
", nice to meet you,"

I could see that they had a hard time talking over the music, but it seemed to work. From a small distance I saw her standing at the bar, waiting for her drink while went to check if it really was the I had been talking about. They shook hands and she smiled.

"And now what?"
"... what do you mean now what?"
"Well, are you two getting it on?"
"... ! For God's sake, she's getting married in less than two weeks!!"
"... well, that sucks then,"
"Why would that suck?"
"Because I've never seen you more in love mate,"


I sighed and gave him a look. A plain one. One that should tell him that he's making no sense.

"I'm not in love ,"
"Yes you are."
"No I'm not."
"Then what kind of drug have you been taking?"

Now this time he gave me a look. I saw walking towards us with two drinks in her hand while carried three. I looked at , warning him to shut up about it in front of her. She was getting married and if anything like this would come in between I might ruin things. Yea, so what if I do like her. She's been (well, until now anyways) the best thing that ever happened to me. She just doesn't know it yet. I can't just go and tell her. That would ruin her wedding and maybe will kill me. This time for real. Fuck.... !!

"I just realised... wouldn't kill you if you stayed out any longer?"
"Probably,"
"... so, you just don't care, or what?"
"I figured that there isn't much of a chance of him hurting me as we're getting married in a week and a few days... so I think I should be fine,"
"But can you, just to make me feel a bit less worried, give him a ring and tell him where you are?"
"Alright, can I use your phone?"

I looked at her and realised that she left her phone at my place. There was no way she could've carried a phone along while wearing that shirt/dress. I gave her my phone and saw her walking away to the stairway which lead to the toilets.

"Why does her dress look so familiar to me?"
"It used to be mine,"
"... you wear dresses?"
"No mate, that used to be my shirt,"
".... fuck man! That was your favourite shirt!!"

burst out laughing and immediately went to tell the story to and . only listened to the first line and then came to stand next to me. I looked at him and I saw him smirking. If he was gonna say the same as , I'd probably smack him.

"Can I just say something...?"
"Sure,"
"I totally understand you,"
".... I'm sorry, what?"
"We just had a chat, and she's pretty much amazing! A bit weird... but also really cool,"
"Yea"
"So, if I would've been you, I probably would've had a total room covered in her stuff,"
"Glad you're not me then,"
"Yea kind of. I still get to live my life and screw birds without thinking about any other girl, so I have to say that I feel quite lucky not to be you,"
"... thanks,"

Thanks for ruining my evening dude. I thought that bringing out here was gonna be cool. Well, it has been cool, but my mates just have to drop the most pathetic comments, making me feel like I'm the biggest loser in town (which I'm not gonna fight you on, I probably am that guy). If I was alone, I probably would've gone back home. Well, after I finished my beer of course.

----

"Have you ever been to the sea?"
"No,"
"Have you ever seen a river?"
"Yes,"
"How come you've never been to the sea?"
"I don't know, but I'm only 8, I'm sure that I will go to the beach some day,"
"Won't you be afraid of sharks?"
"Maybe, I might not go in but just make a castle,"
"Sandcastles are hard to make,"
"Really, why?"
"Because my sister keeps breaking them,"

I don't know if she ever went to the beach, but she probably has. She must have. Otherwise she'd be the first person I know that hasn't been to the beach her whole life. Come on, everybody has to at least see and smell and feel what it's like to walk through the water with your hair blowing in the breeze and the cold wind against your face! You haven't lived if you don't know what that is like. And, the beaches in Spain or any other foreign sunny country don't count, because there the wind's not cold. It's almost a rule to have a red, running nose when you step back into your car to go back home and have some hot chocolate!

----

"The bastard is still not answering,"

She called her future husband a bastard and I quite enjoyed it. She'd been trying to reach him since we got there and he still hadn't answered her calls. Maybe because he didn't recognise the number, maybe because he was having a blast with his friend Sam or maybe because he had fallen asleep. Either one, she was pissed off about it and decided not to call him anymore. She left him a voicemail message to say that he had to call her (the number he has all these missed calls from) and that if he didn't do that, she probably won't be able to get into the hotel. I don't know if that was true, or just a way to get him to actually call, but I asumed that it was the last one. The problem was, after our visit to BurgerKing (where we were going in a few seconds) we were planning on heading home.

"Is still looking for this jacket?"
"Yes,"
"... why does he not hurry?"
"Because it's ,"
"Fair enough,"
"Doesn't mean we can't yell at him when he get's back though,"

grinned as I said it. was always the only one who even thought of bringing a jacket. Stupid. Because we always either take a taxi or one of us drives. There's absolutely no need for a jacket or anything like it, but little boy shivers for nothing. So he's going to have to deal with us telling him to hurry every time we go out. Happens quite a lot, so I guess he got used to it.

"That.... nearly felt like rape,"

She just came back from the toilet in the BurgerKing. Yea, they're known not to be clean... at all. But rape? It couldn't be that bad, right? Not one fastfood restaurant would allow dirty old men into their girl toilets, now would they?

" left already and he wanted us to tell you goodbye,"
"No, you're not telling the whole story!"

cut me off as he turned to , to tell his version of 's words.

" said; sorry to leave you alone, but I'm tired and you know where the secret key is hidden and-" "Skip to the part,"
"... tell goodbye and that it was a pleasure to meet her and that I'd like to see her again soon at her wedding,"

had sat down while had been telling his story. When he finished he waited for her reaction and I could read from his face that he was waiting for the invitation. To be honest, those last words we're never said out loud by . It was who had asked me if she invited me to her wedding and when I said no, he said that it would be awesome to all go. But, I don't know if I'm happy with talking himself and us into an invitation to her wedding with . seemed alright with the whole situation. All he seemed to care about was his whopper.

"Does he want to come to my wedding?"
"That's what he said, yes," "Well..."

thought for a second and I thought that for a second she felt uncomfortable answering, which made me feel embarrassed for my friends, so I had to save myself (ánd her) out some way.

"Don't listen to them, you don't have to,"
"Oh, I want to bet wants to come aswell, don't you, ?"
"I guess that four extra seats won't be a big deal, that is if you all want to come?"
"Sure we want to!" "?"

She looked at , who now looked up.

"Sure, why not. Would be silly for just to turn up, right?"

looked at me, trying to hide his smile, but his eyes said enough. The dickhead. He had heard every bit of our conversation and when I thought he was going to save me out of going to her wedding, he made the pressure that was laying on my shoulders even heavier by joining in on the -wants-to-go story.

"Cool, I'll just add you guys to the guest list... but, you can't take dates or anything,"
"Aah...."

sounded disappointed, and I was shocked that he wanted to use 's wedding for a date with a random chick, that he'd end up having sex with, and lots of free food and drinks. No! Thank God for forbidding him... well, us, to bring people. Just the four of us lads was enough.

"I don't think would appreciate it much if there were strangers at our wedding anyways, so"
"I understand... when is your wedding exactly?"
"In a week and a couple of days,"
"Here in London?"
"That's basically why I'm here,"

made up for his bad deed. He knew this already. I'd been talking about it non-stop. Asking her made it sound like I hadn't been talking like an obsessed maniac about her... I said like an obsessed maniac. I'm not one of them and that's good for her to know. We spent about ten more minutes when we decided to head home. We said goodbye to and at the door. They both hugged and punched me (quite hard which, sadly enough, hurt me a little) and walked the opposite direction of ours, to 's place where they would stay for the night. On our way to my car, I passed her my phone, knowing that if we weren't sure of being at the hotel, might not be able to get into her room.

"Thanks,"
"It's not me whose paying for my phone bill anyways,"

Of course it was me who was paying for the phone bill, but I didn't want to make her feel guilty for using my phone all the time. Next to that, didn't know much about the whole band, record deal, manager thing, so she'd probably buy it. She dialled the number, waited with the phone to her ear, and suddenly gave it back.

"Voicemail,"
"... is his phone turned off, or what?"
"I don't know... probably,"

She sighed frustrated and didn't know what to say as she stopped walking. I didn't know what to say either. Well, I had a small idea, but I thought it was stupid to say it out loud. When she looked at me with despaired eyes, wishing for me to come with a solution I couldn't help myself and my idea suddenly looked like a clever, nice, friendly thing to do.

"You can always stay over at my place, if you want to?"
"... I though you said it only fitted one person?"
"You're not that big,"

She giggled through her sadness. She probably felt stranded in a strange city as she'd never been here before. I'd feel left out and alone and lonely aswell, so I hope that my offer made things a little better.

"Thanks... if that offer was a serious one, then I guess I'm gonna take it,"
"It was serious,"
"Then I guess I'm gonna take it,"

We smiled at each other and made our way up to my car. Even though I knew it was wrong in about a million ways, I was excited and even a little nervous now that I knew that she'd spend the night at my place. The minute I thought of what we had said, I looked around myself, looking for people with phones or camera's. Nobody to be seen. Thank God. The last thing she would want is her face appearing on the internet with a cheesy made up headline.

We got back to my place and I offered to make her some hot chocolate. She looked at me and sighed.

"You really don't have to be so nice to me,"
"But... I'm really not,"
"Yes you are! You're letting me rip up your clothes, you let me stay over at your place-"
"No but... I was just going to make some for myself..."

I made her laugh again. I think I found a new talent! If I had an audience of girls that had a strange effect on me, I'd be the best comedian ever! And, I was in the need of hot chocolate but I just wanted to try and create the old days, like they were before, when we used to drink hot chocolate every night when we went to sleep, even in the summer.

"Yea, I'd like that,"
"Good,"

She walked into the living room while I made my way to the kitchen.

"I guess I'll be sleeping on the sofa then?"
"If you think the floor's a better offer, be my guest, but the sofa is probably the best I have,"
"It's fine, everything is more comfortable than the bed at the hotel,"
"Come on, it can't be that bad! That hotel looked really fancy and expensive!"
"... have you ever slept on... I don't know, bricks?"
"To be honest... yes,"

I heard her chuckle behind me. I turned to see her leaning against the side of the doorway, looking tired. I shrugged innocently, as if I told her that I couldn't help that I knew what it was like to sleep on bricks. Hell, when I was old enough to drink I've had two full on party years where I was drunk nearly two times every week, sometimes more often, sometimes less. I still drink and party all the time, but I don't get absolutely I-don't-remember-one-thing-about-last-night wasted.

"Can I... borrow one of your shirts to sleep in?"
"... you're actually asking me?"
"Yes,"
"You didn't seem to have problems just taking one and ripping it apart earlier!"
"Didn't I apologise for that already?"
"... erm, no?"
"Should I?"
"No... you gave me an even better shirt in replacement!"
"That shirt was yours already!!"
"And if it wasn't for you, I probably would've have ever seen it,"

She smiled at me, and I nodded. I said that she could take whatever she wanted of my floor to wear to sleep in. She made her way while I went to feed Bumbum, who was now stroking her whole body against my leg while purring softly.

"There's some extra covers on top of my wardrobe,"
"Found them already,"

I heard her make herself comfortable on the sofa. It's stupid how happy I was. I mean, literally, really stupid. She's just going to sleep on your sofa and probably leave a note in the morning because of course she's going to wake up before I do. Then we'd maybe call and first time we'd see each other again would be at the wedding. Sadly enough, the whole two weeks I just predicted was not how I wanted things to turn out, but I knew that things were going to be like it.

"Here's your-"

I stopped talking when I saw her, lying on my sofa with the covers almost covering her whole body and her eyes were closed. I don't think that she was asleep already, but she was just too tired to keep her eyes open and was slowly falling into her sleep. I smiled to myself and put the cup of hot chocolate on the tiny table next to the sofa. That way she'd smell it and could get some if she wanted to. I walked back to the door and turned the light off, ready to head to my room, but something stopped me.

"?"
"Yea,"
"Nothing..."

Inside I celebrated. I threw a party with about a thousand people including , danced all night and got immensely drunk. But... that was just mentally of course. On the outside, I showed nothing. I'd be stupid to show to her how happy I was. I turned around and saw her, in the light that came from the hallway, looking at me with her eyes half open.

"What?" "It's just that... do you think that, me, meeting you here after all those years, is a good thing?"
"... yea, I guess,"
"Yea... yea, I guess so too,"
"It's cool to see you again,"
"It's cool to just see... blind people miss so many things,"
"Right, they do,"

Could I be more happy? I don't think I can. Can you explode from happiness? I surely hope not! If so, I might explode in just a few seconds like an egg in a microwave (yes, they really do explode, if you haven't tried it and you don't mind cleaning your microwave, give it a shot!).

"?"
"Yea,"
"... nothing,"

I nodded and smiled, seeing her closing her eyes again. I softly closed the door, almost burning my hand on the hot chocolate I was still holding. I knew that this was gonna have to make me more tired and fall asleep easily (the hot chocolate I mean) but I probably won't be able to fall asleep after what just happened. On the other hand; I couldn't wait what dreamland had in store of me tonight. I'm the kind of person who remembers everything he dreams of. I used to train myself into remebering by writing it all down and now, sometimes, I even have the best dreams where I know that I'm dreaming and I do what ever I want to (things like flying and walking through walls and stuff). The only thing that brought me a little bit back to earth was the fact that , the girl that was lying on my sofa (my sofa, I'm sorry but I just can't get over it) is gonna get married. She's gonna get married to a boy I used to bully... karma much?

Okay, so I was wrong about my upcoming week. I had to wake up who was still sleeping on my sofa next to an empty cup that used to hold hot chocolate. had woken me up with a phonecall, and I had to be at the studio's in an hour. After she collected her clothes, she went for a shower and after that I took her back to the hotel. We figured that had to be there by now, so she insisted on me just dropping her of and going to the studios. I had one of those rides again where I barely payed attention to the traffic but made it to the studios without a scratch. That angel on my shoulder must be a workaholic, I could've died several times already. When I got to the studio's the conversation started.

"Care to explain why stayed at your place?"
"No, not really,"
"That means he got some!!"

exclaimed in happiness, making me look disgusted at him.

"No, ! No! How can you even think that?"
"But what happened though?"
" didn't answer his phone, being her futurehusband,"
"Yea, we know,"
"And we weren't sure if he'd be at the hotel, so I offered her a place to stay for the night,"
"Ahw, well aren't you awefully nice,"
"Well, I am a nice person,"
"No you're not!!"

It wasn't just who was being so against me. One by one they all joined in and formed a team. The We're-all-against--team. It wouldn't surprise me if they made a team song and a yell. One of them have must called a cheersquad to cheer them on already- I'll tell you, these guys do stuff flike that. It's only funny if you're a part of it, and I'm not right now, so to me, it's not funny.

"Can we please just drop this?"
"No,"
"She slept on my sofa!!"
"Naked?"
"No, she was wearing one of my shirts,"
"So she could smell you in her dreams?"
"Oh God, !"
"Sorry,"

I threw him an evil. I wasn't having this kind of humour. I was here to record stuff, not to fool about last night. There was nothing to fool about so I just wanted to get started!

"Alright, let's just drop this and get back to it after recording,"
"Or just not at all,"
"Whatever,"
"I really do think that you spend too much time with your neighbour,"
"What do you mean?"
"Every word you say, you say it like you're a black person!"
"That's not true!"
"No, he's right, even that sounded black,"
"Whatever,"

I couldn't help but chuckle. The least gangster one out of the four of us talking like a black guy, come on, that's funny. 's neighbour is cool though. He's from the hood and has the wide clothes and the rapping going on and everything. Every time I run into him when I go to 's place, he stops me and let's me hear his new freestyle or whatever. In no time there will be about seven of his mates, standing around me in a circle, beatboxing and busting moves and what not. That's funny. Jokes about me and aren't.

----

"Do you think you'll ever have kids?"
"... I don't know, do you?"
"I wish I could... even if I never meet a man who would like to have babies with me, I'd probably adopt or something,"
"But then you'd have black or chinese children!"
"You can also adopt English kids you know."
"Really?"
"Yea, I've read about that in a magazine once,"
"Would you rather adopt or have babies yourself,"
"Depends,"
"Depends on what?"
"On how big the head might be,"

We spent about 15 minutes laughing and giggling over that joke. Being 11 we got into that kind of stuff and everything was new. We discovered a whole new world and to us, it felt like we took our first steps into the grown up world. We found some of her dad’s old documentaries and spent about a thousand afternoons watching them until we got bored. We learned all these amazing things and got to know loads and loads of facts. Funny ones and impressive ones. Like how whales make babies and how many sperm actually gets into the water, where we'd later maybe swim in. For about eight summers I was scared to even touch sea water... and if she's been on a beach yet (which I still don't know) she probably had the same problems. I also learned why penguins wobble. I'll save that fact for later.

----

“Can I tell you something?”
“No,”
“I think you might need to go on Dr Phil or at least Oprah,”
“, can you explain to what ‘no’ really means?”
“No I won’t, I agree with ,”
“We’ve discussed this with the three of us, and we’ve decided that, if you’re not going to act more alive and get some sleep at night and if your not going to stop drinking alone, which we know you do so don’t lie to us about that, then we’re not going to let you record anymore,”

I knew that my friends were worried, but, I’ve been worried over them about a thousand times but never got to extreme rules like this one. My mates couldn’t make me stop recording!! Come on, that’s like taking away my job and eventually my money, right? They probably were joking anyways. I shook my head and shrugged it off, standing up to go into the booth to do my bit of recording to a new song we wrote. Then stepped in front of the door so I couldn’t pass through.

“We’re not joking ,”
“Hell no we’re not, we’re bloody serious!”
“… I can’t believe how you made bloody sound gangster,”
“Shut up,”

and got carried away in their conversation and a new discussion started about not being black ór gangster, so he had to stop acting like he was black and gangster. of course disagreed with everything like he always does and said that, what he was doing was making his neighbours feel more comfortable in their neighbourhood. Whatever, I just wanted to get into that booth and ’s not that big of a guy so I pushed him to the side and tried to open the door. That’s when jumped in.

“, if you get into that booth, I’m gonna kick you out of the band,”
“Don’t be so ridiculous,”
“Look who’s talking!”
“, get out of my way!”
“No!” “Okay fine!”

I turned around and to be honest, I rather left this place than staying here. Frustrated and angry I grabbed my bag and walked away. I heard the others talking about me and saying offending stuff; some comments included . I wanted to walk back and start a fight about them saying anything about her in the first place, but I decided to be the better friend and just walk away. I had to meet up with these guys tomorrow again- even though I wasn’t looking forward to it. I stepped into my car and sighed, staring at the steering wheel. It had been six days since called me and I hadn’t heard from her since I dropped her off at the hotel. I don’t know how things went with after her sleeping at my place and if he was angry at her or not. I didn’t even know if she got into the hotel room safely, I didn’t know anything and it frustrated me so bad that I started drinking more than I probably should. I started drinking to forget about things, but it just made things worse. I know it’s only been six days, but when you’re waiting for a phone call which you know is never gonna come, days feel like months and eventually those months turn into years. The nights are the worst. I never seem to be able to catch my sleep and Bumbum notices too. She’s been my best mate so far, the only one that’s nice to me and doesn’t start talking to me about Dr Phil.

My phone rang while I was sitting on my sofa, watching – how stupid is this – The Dr Phil Show. While shoving a tasteless microwave meal into my mouth I looked at the screen. It said; private number calling. I figured it was or either , who was gonna ask me if I was watching Dr Phil. Well, I was, so they didn’t have to make me. I pressed him away, making him listen to my original voicemail (to be honest, voicemails are never original because everybody says the same things, but I like to think of mine as kind of original and creative). It only took 7 seconds for it to ring again. Again, it told me that a private number was calling me. I sighed and decided to answer anyways. If it was somebody who called to just nag me, I had the ability to hang up anyways.

“What?” “…?” “This is he,” “Hey, uhmmm… it’s me, , am I interrupting you?”

Nearly choking on my food I sat up straight, throwing the microwave meal off of my lap. Of course Bumbum saw her chance and attacked it, but I didn’t care. called me and I immediately regretted the harsh way I answered my phone.

“Hey … ehh, no you’re not interrupting at all, hi, what’s up?”

I only realized how ridiculous I sounded once I said the whole thing.

“Well, I kind of have a problem… and you’re the only person I know around here so…”
“What’s wrong? Maybe I can help,”
“Well... if you don’t want to, then don’t do it, because you might really not like this, but,”
“What is it,”
“My nieces were supposed to come over today to help me with the wedding dress pick… but for some reason, they didn’t show up and I’m not able to get into contact with any of them, but I have my appointment for today,”
“… you have to make appointments for wedding dress fitting?”
“Yes,”
“I didn’t know that,”
“You do, and I’m scared that if I don’t do it today that I won’t have my wedding dress on time, so… would you please want to come with me, and help me choose?”
“Erm… I ehh,”
“I’m just scared to pick anything on my own, and of course can’t come,”

First time I’ve heard her admitting to be scared, and I immediately felt the urge to go and comfort her. I wasn’t sure about the whole wedding dress fitting thing, but I knew that seeing her again would make me happy and I might leave the bottle in my kitchen cabinet that night. Which would also mean that I get to record tomorrow and that the guys will stop nagging me about it? So, I decided to do it. I was gonna meet outside of her hotel where I’d park my car somewhere (because I didn’t know where the wedding dress shop was) and take a taxi from there.

“Okay Bumbum, enjoy my dinner, I’m off to go see ,”

Bumbum looked at me and my smile satisfied her enough to continue eating my tasteless food off of the floor. I secretly hoped that by the time I got back it would all be gone, leaving the floor clean and shiny, but knowing Bumbum that probably won’t happen. After a change of clothes and a secret vain check in the mirror I left my apartment, practising my compliments on the way to my car.




“Thank you so much for helping me out, you totally saved my day,”
“Oh, heh… no problem,”

She stepped out of the lift and rushed over to me before she said that to me. We both left the hotel and tried to stop a taxi, and because is a gorgeous girl, one stopped within 20 seconds. Having a pretty girl next to you really helps if you have a male taxi driver (even though using that is very wrong, it’s very handy!). When we took place in the taxi, gave the man the address, making him frown at her. Wedding dress store, meant that she was gonna get married. Too bad, sucker, hehe.

“So… do you kind of have an idea of what you want?”
“Kind of, I mean… I don’t know,”
“Isn’t it so that women know what kind of wedding dress they want since they’re like, 6 years old?”
“Women doesn’t include me then,”
“… really? You never had marriage fantasies?”
“Come on, ! You know what I was like… I was more interested in listening to my dads old records and climbing trees and what not, I never really thought I was gonna get married, let alone to !”

For some reason every time she mentioned his name, her voice sounded frustrated and almost like swearing. I suppose that it’s because things are hectic before a wedding. You know, there’s lots of stuff that needs to be done, and if you both want things in another way, you get into arguments, yes. But, secretly I hoped that she really felt that way about , which of course is stupid. If she really didn’t like she wouldn’t marry him. But, I could always hope, right? Dreaming isn’t against the law.

“Miss ?”
“Yes, hello, sorry for being a bit late, but things got a bit hectic,”
“Oh of course, I understand!”
“I’m , here to help with the dress pick,”

I shook hands with the woman who was gonna help with getting the dresses on (I know that it’s always a tricky job to get one of them big poofy dresses on) after shook hands with her. She crossed something in the agenda (probably ’s appointment) and led us to the white wedding dresses which were hung all around the back of the store. looked nervous, but smiled when she saw all the dresses. I wondered about how long this was gonna take, there were more dresses than I’d ever seen in my life, and I knew that wasn’t sure of what she wanted, meaning that she was gonna try on quite a few. That’s when I saw two comfy looking, brown, leather chairs. I was planning on sitting there during the whole fitting session, but that’s when the woman, who introduced herself as Amanda, said that we both had to take place in them; lucky me.

“Alright, do you have any idea of what kind of a dress you want?”
“….ehh,”
“No, she doesn’t,”

I said it before could say anything. Better as well be honest right? We don’t want to end up with in an ugly wedding dress, now do we?

“Okay, so what I’m gonna do is, show you a few dresses and you can rate them on a scale of 1 to 10 so I know what you like and what you don’t. After that, I can show you more dresses that you might like and that’s when we start the fitting, alright?”
“Yea, sure, that’s fine,”
“Bring it on,”

I clapped my hands to together and rubbed them, looking at . Weirdly enough I really wanted to rate dresses. It sounded fun! looked worried and nervous. I understand, she was the one that had to pick the dress that she had to walk around in all day long on the most important day of her life. See, it’s actually kind of unfair. Because men just have to get a suit. There’s not much choice in a wedding suit, is there? Most of them are black tie suits, which is how it’s supposed to be. Women have a way harder job, deciding what kind of massive white gorgeous dress they have to wear. There should be a company that helps women pick out their wedding dress! Or, I can just help them… but I can’t be all over the world all of the time.

After rating the dresses we came down to the ‘simple’ ‘strapless’ ‘corset’ ‘non-straight’ dresses. To be honest, if I was the one who had to wear a wedding dress I would go over the top. You know, with diamonds, prints, the umbrella (you know, like they had in the old days), the tiara and what not. But, I guess that what was gonna end up was a bit more classy and sophisticated.

“Okay, from what you’ve told me, your wedding dress is gonna be in this corner,”
“… there’s so many!!”
“I know, so I’m gonna pick a few for you to try on which I think you’ll love,”

At this point somebody else entered the store. I turned my head to see a woman, a bit older than Amanda enter. It looked like she worked here aswell because she got behind the register and took a peek in the agenda. Amanda turned her head and smiled. She greeted Tanya, saying ‘hey Tanya’, that’s why I know her name. Amanda took away into the fitting booth and Tanya asked me if I wanted a magazine and something to drink.

“Ah, I see I’m not the only man that’s ever been in here,”
“Haha no, we get men sitting outside of the fitting rooms all the time,”
“I’ll have some coffee please,”
“Sure, it’ll only take a second,”

I sat back and took a good look around. I was wondering how was gonna look in the dresses. She’d probably look gorgeous and wants me to take pictures with my mobile phone, which she knows has a good quality camera. A reason to meet each other again, or at least exchange email addresses. Hmm, I might as well just make pictures, without her even asking so that I can get her email address… What? I’m not gonna let the same thing happen and loose contact with her again after her wedding’s over. She probably is gonna go back to after that.

I was wrong. I was so, so wrong. Why in the world did I ever say yes to help her out with wedding dress fitting? She looked gorgeous, one dress prettier on her than the other. I could see that she felt amazing too. It’s in her eyes. She looked happy and hopeful and all the worrying and insecureness was gone. She didn’t only good beautiful, but she felt beautiful… I’ve never seen her more beautiful. Seeing her like this was fantastic, almost amazing, and I shot more pictures of her than I thought I would. But… after she walked out with the dress that she wanted, I felt like my heart got stabbed. I suddenly felt so much jealousy towards . She looked so amazingly wonderful that she even cried when she looked in the mirror. Never would she have thought that she could look and feel so pretty. Never would I have thought that the 11 year old, clumsy would turn out to turn my world upside down. Of course, I didn’t show anything to her. I showed her smiles and gave compliments, told her how beautiful she looked. But while I was saying that, all I kept thinking is that was the one that was gonna walk away with this… and not me. The lucky bastard!

“My God… I look so pretty,”
“So far, all I’ve said was ‘you look beautiful’ and ‘you look amazing’ but have I used the phase beaufantasticmazing yet?”

I made her giggle and she shook her head. I repeated the word, making her and Amanda laugh. stepped onto a little platform that was stood a few metres away from a big mirror. This was so Amanda could straighten the dress out on the bottom and got a full view of herself. I came to stand next to her and looked at her in the mirror, just like she was doing. She looked like she just landed in heaven and secretly was still alive. I smiled.

“Do you like it?”
"... yea… yea I do,”
“You think this might be the dress you’re gonna marry in?”
“I think so,”

She looked at me and smiled, and if my eyes weren’t lying to me, I think I saw tears standing in her eyes. But she quickly looked away again to look at herself in the mirror. Amanda was done with the straightening out and started to explain why the dress fitted so nicely and what it was made of. When she got to the price of it, quickly shook her head.

“No, don’t mention the money thing just yet…”
“….okay,”
“Just because, it might be too expensive for me and I just, I just want to feel like this for another minute,”

Amanda smiled.

“Sure,”

She gave the time to admire herself and asked if we wanted drinks. We both agreed to a glass of water and Amanda went. I took some pictures with my phone and sat back down. I smiled at who was still gazing at herself in the mirror. Then she suddenly turned to me.

“I don’t think I ever felt like this before,”
“I have… but then again, I like to try on wedding dresses for fun, so that’s not really fair,”
“… do you like it?”
“Do I like it?!”
“… well… do you?”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure,”
“Are you really tiny from that used to invent the most original things? Because who I am seeing right now, this gorgeous woman standing in front of me, seriously can’t be her,”

Again she smiled at me and she let out a deep breath, looking satisfied into the mirror again. It was almost as if my approval made her less worried about how she looked. Like a weight fell off of her shoulders. She thanked me for the nice comment I made. That’s when Amanda returned with three glasses of water. Two for us and one for herself. Putting them down on the small table in between the two big leather chairs, she turned back to .

“Can I tell you what price it is?”
“…I don’t know,”
“You’ll be surprised; it’s actually not as high as all the other dresses you’ve fitted,”
“Okay… tell me,”

From her body I could see that she was preparing for a disappointment, shoulders tensed and eyes nearly closed. Her hands were bolded into fists and I could see her knuckles turning white from squeezing. When she heard the price, she looked surprised and dropped her shoulders. So much for a disappointment. The price of the dress fell within her budget and she even left enough money to buy a fancy bouquet.

“You know what… I think I’ll take it,”
“It looks amazing on you,”
“They all looked amazing on me… but in this I can see myself walking down the isle,”
“That’s great. I think that we’re gonna keep the dress here for another two days because it’s a bit too long,”
“Oh can it please stay this way? My legs look longer this way,”

laughed, making Amanda laugh too.

“It looks good now, because you’re standing on this platform. When you step onto the floor, you’ll see it’s juts a bit too long,”
“I wish I could stand on a platform forever,”

Amanda and again laughed together. I took a sip of my drink and was glad that the fitting was over. I was getting hungry and when I checked the time, I saw it was nearly six. Dinner time!

“Are you sure about this dress?”
“Yes,”
“Okay, let’s get you out of it, so I can measure the length of your legs. We’ll just need your phone number so we can call you when it’s ready, but it’ll probably only take two days,”

stepped off of the platform and just before she stepped back into her fitting room, she turned to look at me and squealed. Then she disappeared into the fitting room with Amanda and I put my finger to my head and imaginary shot myself. I don’t know how the hell I was gonna get through her wedding without stabbing … or at least stab him imaginary. Fuck for inviting us.

After paying for the dress, giving her phone number, Amanda thanked us for shopping at her store and we said our goodbye’s. When we were stood outside, took a deep breath of fresh air. And mumbled something about feeling ugly being back in her normal clothes- which I thought was stupid because she still looked the same. She looked at me and smiled.

“Do you have plans?”
“What do you mean?”
“What I mean is… I’ve got some money left and…”

I thought she was gonna say if I wanted to help her with her fancy bouquet and already tried to make up an excuse. Having a thing at ’s place would sound convincing, right?

“… I was wondering if you were hungry.”
“I ehh… what?”
“Because I’m starving, and there must be good restaurants around here, right?”
“… Are you trying to chat me up and buy me dinner?”
“No,”
“… alright,”
“Alright what?”
“Alright, I’ll go and have dinner with you,”

Maybe not the best choice as I knew that spending more time with her would make my crush on her larger and larger and larger, without changing the fact that she was gonna get married to a kid everybody used to bully, sadly enough, including me. Was this karma’s way of payback? They could have also just let McFly screw up or let Bumbum be run over by a car… even though those two things would break my heart just as bad. Gosh, I just can’t get over this… why do I have to run into , my ex-best friend from my childhood, in a bloody supermarket when she’s already engaged to somebody? Why couldn’t it have been a few years earlier, somewhere in Disneyland or something, or backstage at one of my concerts, I don’t know. But, before lost his gothicness and turned into a supermodel and before she even noticed him. Before he bloody got down on one knee, so that I had the chance to be the man she loved and so that I could be the one that popped the question in an original and romantic way. The worst thing is that Adam actually seems like a nice guy. He looks like he’s her perfect match and next to that, his looks are far more handsome than mine are. If he wasn’t as friendly and genuine as he seemed to be, the hating would’ve been way easier. Now I actually feel guilty over hating him for fucks sake.

After playing about a thousand games, including 20 questions with celebrities, 20 questions with things you love and watching another couple having a silent war a few tables away from us and making up a fake conversation for them, we finally got our food. Two massive plates filled with spareribs and fresh fries. It’s been ages since I’ve had spareribs and I couldn’t wait to dig in.

“I thought you were a vegetarian?”
“Who, me?”
“Yea you, with your thing against fast-food, and hamburgers and everything,”
“For the record, hamburgers are fast-food, not another type of food,”
“Sorry,”
“And, having something against fast-food doesn’t mean that I don’t eat meat,”
“Okay, fair enough,”
“What about you? Don’t you need to be on a like… super star diet?”

I started laughing. Me, on a diet? No fucking way! Okay, I do try and keep track of the things that I eat being healthy. But… do you know how much I sweat when I’m playing? Man, calorie burning to the max! I don’t need to work out to stay in shape. Plus, I like kicking a football around every once in a while, but that’s not like serious work out or anything. No, putting me on a diet is pretty much the worst thing you can do, because I won’t stick to it anyways. Also, I think my daily three redbull’s aren’t allowed in any kind of diet… me and a diet just don’t go and in hand. Let alone a super star diet!

“Well don’t laugh at me, I read about so called famous people and their disgusting diets all the time,”
“Wait so… you read magazines nowadays?”
“What do you mean, nowadays? I’ve read magazines since, I don’t know, forever!”
“Those science things you nicked off of your dad don’t count,”
“… okay. Cosmo got my interest when I turned 15 and my mum bought me a copy,”
“And that’s how you learned about nail polish and sex?”
“Are you on a diet or not?”
“No. No fucking way that anybody is gonna tell me what to eat and when to eat. I eat when I’m hungry and I eat what I like. Sometimes that’s healthy and full of vitamins, and sometimes it’s a quick snack or a microwave meal,”

’s eyes widened and she inhaled. All this while we were both smudging our faces, trying to keep our cheeks clean while eating, but both failing terribly.

“Don’t start, I know you hate microwave meals,”
“You do?”
“Yes, I remember a conversation about a better world without microwaves,”

looked at me and I couldn’t tell if she was surprised and happy or embarrassed and a bit shy. Or she was just trying to remember the conversation that I was talking about. But, she smiled a little which got me to quote the whole conversation we had when we were little and lying in bed.

“, yes, nothing, what? It’s just that-”
“Wouldn’t the world be a better place without microwaves?”
“I don’t know,”
“Think about it,”
“I still don’t know,”
“… wow…”
“What?”
“I can’t believe you remember that…”
“Every time I stick something into the microwave I feel guilty,”
“Really?”
“No… but it’s just one of our weird conversations that I happen to remember,”
“Gosh… we must have been… what, six?”
“I was seven, you were six,”


I was amazed that she actually still knew the exact words to that conversation aswell! All this time I thought she would’ve forgotten everything that even had to do with me… which is stupid of course, because we shared everything together back then. But still, I really thought that she would’ve forgotten that conversation we had. Maybe she knew a few more aswell. I nearly remember all of them… but that’s just me. The stalker that I am. Although, I’m not really a stalker, that was just a joke. Just wanted to make that clear.


“You know,”
“I think I do, but go ahead,”

She grinned. We were walking home from the restaurant where we had spareribs (which were delicious by the way). After trying to get a taxi, which didn’t work out, I offered her a piggy back ride. She passed on that, and we decided to just walk home. It was a lovely evening anyways. Plus, she said that some fresh air might clear her mind a bit.

“London is such a nice place,”
“Really?”
“Yea, it’s better than you know,”
“I agree… but is it better than owning a meadow in Scotland?”
“Not quite… but I like that there’s people… everywhere you go,”
“True, you can’t possibly be alone anywhere,”

Because I was looking at the floor, I didn’t quite understood what she actually meant. She nudged me and when I looked up I saw a man with a camera, rushing out of his car and walking towards us. That’s when I understood the sarcastic undertone in her voice.

“Oh crap,”

The first thing I always do when there’s unexpected cameras in my face at the wrong time, is, as stupid as it might seem, worry about how I look. Is my fly undone, does my hair look ok, are my laces tied? Next, I’m checking my surroundings to see if there’s anything that I can run into or trip over that I need to pay attention to while I pass it. It might sound stupid, but I never really take a run or look for alleys to escape into. You know, let those guys just do their thing; it’s their job after all. And one more or less picture of me on the internet won’t change a thing, will it? Besides, pictures means publican and publican means money. But, had other plans. Instead of turning her face to her good side (which would be either, they’re both beautiful) she took hold of my arm and started running. Dragging me along with her, all I could see were flashes and I secretly had a thought of how bad those pictures were gonna turn out. When we passed the flashes we ran into an alley and I could hear ’s heals clashing with the pavement while she laughed.

“Where are we?”
“… I don’t know,”
“You don’t know? Come on, you live here!”
“You dragged me into an alley; we ran about three blocks and turned more corners in two minutes than I’ve ever turned… I really have no clue where the hell we are,” “Bummer,”

She still used bummer? How adorable is that. Even though we were out of breath, maybe secretly a bit sweating and lost, she still managed to smile. I don’t know why… so I went and asked.

“What you smiling about?”
“… everything,”
“What’s so funny?”
“We’re lost in London,”
“… that’s not funny,”
“It’s a little funny,”
“We might never get out of here… we’re gonna have to spend the night here… or a week… you’re gonna miss your own wedding!”

I was joking, but I didn’t know if she was when she shrugged. Not the shrug that you give when you want to say ‘I don’t know’ but the kind of shrug you give when you want to say ‘I don’t care’ or ‘So what?’. We were talking about her wedding! But, she really did give the ‘I don’t care’ shrug. That same smile still playing on her face. That’s when I had to laugh aswell.

“Ok, because you think this situation is hilarious-“
“I said, a little funny, not hilarious!”
“Well excuse me… but because you think so, you tell me what we’re gonna do next,”

Again she shrugged. This time it was a shrug kind of in between the meaning of ‘I don’t know’ and ‘I don’t care’ … meaning that she probably didn’t care what we were gonna do. For some reason she really came alive at night. Well, it’s not like I’m much different. I’ve had a period in life where I literally slept during the day and lived all night until the morning light would show. It’s awesome, but it does make you lonely. And, the shops aren’t open at night (most aren’t, except for the 24h Tesco’s of course) which makes feeding your cat about a thousand times more challenging. We started walking again after catching our breaths. We wondered around for such a long time, arms linked and at some point she even placed her head against my shoulder, tired from everything. The stressing over her dress, the running away from the paparazzi… and ripping meat of ribs is quite tiring aswell. Walking like this made me feel like we were a couple, almost forgetting that all we did today was in preparation for her wedding. It shot through my head quickly, but I quickly forgot about it, not wanting to ruin this moment. We started playing funny games, like tour guiding. Lame jokes are actually really funny when you’re tired, but you can’t ever tell them to anybody else because they’re the kind of jokes that you start enthusiastic but you always end up saying ‘you had to be there I guess’. So, the joke ‘if you look to your right… you won’t see anything on your left’ passed by and describing garbage into its detail, making up its background story and the owner of it aswell made us both laugh. It was weird of how I could be around this person. Never in a million years could I be like this with any other person. My friends wouldn’t do stuff like this and any other girl probably won’t understand it. Or, they would just laugh because ‘I’m known around here’. Whatever.

“Hey, I think I recognise this…”
“… you? You’ve never been here before!”
“Yes I have! I remember that bus stop poster from when I was looking outside the window of our taxi, we’re not far away from the hotel!”
“… are you being serious?”
“Yes, I am! Come on!”

This time it wasn’t my arm that she took, but she grabbed my hand. The friendly way, not the type where your fingers lock with her fingers. That would’ve been too uncomfortable anyways. We ran a few metres, until we got to a crossroad. We looked in every direction the streets went, when saw the corner of her hotel. We had to turn right, walk a bit, cross the street and turn left. That’s when we were stood outside the entrance of the hotel. I felt in my pocket to see if my car keys were still there. Luckily, they were.

“How can I thank you?”
“Well… you paid for my dinner,”
“If you want to know, you were probably a better help than my cousins would’ve been,”
“Really?”
“They probably would’ve been busier trying dresses on themselves, instead of helping me,”
“Well it wasn’t that hard of a job, judging dresses and making pictures,”
“I had fun,”
“Me too,”
“Really?”
“Really. Don’t tell my mates though,”

She laughed. You know how you often don’t know how to say goodbye to a person? A hug, a handshake, a kiss on the cheek, just a wave and a ‘bye’ escaping from your lips… what do you do? I’ve never been good with goodbyes at all, and I think she noticed. She stepped forward and wrapped one arm around my neck, her head resting on my shoulder, she squeezed me tight. I did the same by wrapping my arms around her back, jokingly squeezing as tightly as I could, probably pushing all of the air out of her lungs. It made her laugh as I lifted her feet of the floor slightly. I had to laugh myself aswell as we let go of each other. Surprisingly enough I received a kiss on my cheek, a smile with eyes that sparkled and a short wave as she walked into the lobby of her hotel. I touched my cheek and noticed that her kiss had nearly touched my mouth. I think that from the place of where you are kissed on your cheek, you can tell a lot. When you are kissing somebody welcome or goodbye out of politeness, the lips aren’t even touching the cheek. When friends, the lips are pointed towards the cheek but don’t have to necessarily touch it. When good friends, the cheeks are touched by the lips. How closer the friendship, how closer the lips are together, and the fact that she nearly touched my lips with her kiss told me a lot. I don’t know if it meant the same thing to her, but I didn’t care as much about that. It was more important that it happened, what ever the thought behind it was.

Again my way home was a dangerous one. My head wasn’t with the traffic at all; I was more focussed on trying to feel the kiss that had been planted on my face. Trying to recall a feeling is difficult, you try it. It’s almost impossible… like, try and recall pain. I can’t do that! I know that when I tripped over my guitar and hit the table with my baby toe that I nearly died from pain, but I’m not able to give myself that feeling without kicking or hitting myself. I don’t know if you understand me… but ah well. Never mind, I’m babbling anyways. When I got home I found Bumbum, asleep on my sofa. What is that smell…? Oh right… the microwave meal was still lying on the floor, halfly eaten by Bumbum. That night I went to sleep, more depressed than I wanted to be after spending a lovely day with . I had so much fun, but it only made me realise more and more of how much I was out of her league. Fuck’s sake.



It was Saturday… the day and were getting married. The wedding would start at 3pm, the ceremony would take an hour and a half, and then we would go to this restaurant where we’d have drinks before dinner. After dinner there’d be music and the party would start. I think kind of found out that I really wasn’t looking forward to this wedding, so he made sure that I’d be laughing at all times. After I put on my suit and fixed my tie, I looked at myself in the mirror and imagined myself ever being a groom. I’d be the best groom ever. The doorbell rang, and I knew that it were , and , waiting with their ties in their hands. The losers still don’t know how to properly tie a tie, even though wears them all the time. I shook the funny feeling I had off of me, which didn’t really work, but I tried anyways, before I opened the door.

“Look who’s looking posh,”
“… yea… look who’s not?”
“Hey, we want to bring style into this wedding,”
“… are you saying that there won’t be any style on this wedding?”
“No, but weddings aren’t known for having good looking people around, now do they?”
“ehh… right,”

I said to myself to ignore the bunch of them, wearing all suits in slightly bright colours. Bordeaux red, the darker kind of green, and a slightly shiny purple suit were standing in my living room, all with matching ties in their hands. After I put them on and after the jokes were made we decided to leave in ’s car, as he had the prettiest one. Not that I thought this was a good choice… but never mind. We all fitted, even if that meant sitting with our knees in our faces. It was fine; I told them after they noticed how I reacted to their plan. Their way of cheering me up started when we stepped outside, and pushed into a bush in my front yard.

“! I’m wearing a suit!”
“I know, and now it’s wrinkled,”

and laughed and I couldn’t help but chuckle too as I saw climbing out of the bush. With his hair and suit slightly messed up, we all climbed into ’s car. That’s when the conversation about me and my feelings towards started.

“I’m sorry if I’m making you feel like you have to go to this, if you don’t want to…”
“That’s alright, I got too far into this wedding anyways,”
“Yea, but if wouldn’t have invited us, she probably wouldn’t have asked you to help her with her wedding dress and stuff…”
“And stuff?”
“They went out for dinner afterwards…”
“A second date?!”
“When did this happen?!”
“I can’t believe I didn’t know this!”
“Guys please,”

I stopped them from talking about me as if I wasn’t there. took a turn and we all stayed silent. After tried desperately to turn the radio on to save the uncomfortableness of the situation (and failed, the poor boy) I decided to tell them what I thought.

“You know, I don’t mind going to her wedding if that’s what you’re all thinking but not daring to say out loud… but I would be lying if I told you that I didn’t wish that it was somebody completely different being lead down the isle…”

This is where I believe our friendship got closer. Instead of making a lousy joke or whatever, they all nodded and even put his hand on my shoulder and nodded as if he understood what I was saying. Of course he didn’t… sometimes he’s just like Joey in ‘Friends’. Just nods and laughs along even though he has no idea what the conversation is about. But it did make me feel understood, and I left it at that. We would just make it through the wedding, and maybe the paparazzi would even show up to make pictures of her and , what nicer gift could they wish for, eh?

When we arrived at the church we had a hard time, trying to find a parking spot. When squeezed his car in between two others, we all got out and had to walk two blocks to get to the church. She chose a lovely big old church, one that I knew had picked, just from the way it looked. It fitted her, even though she never really went to church or believed in God. There were loads of people outside. I recognised her dad, but was too shy to go up to him to say hi. Then, on the other side of the crowd I saw her mum… she changed, but still looked at nice as she used to. It was weird to see them this way; I was used to them being the loving couple that they used to be. Now they probably wouldn’t even say hi to each other. I recognised some of ’s family and at some point, I even saw ’s brother, who recognised me aswell. He came up to me, saying how he went to a gig of us once, just because he knew me from firstschool. I smiled and acted jolly, but I wasn’t. Of course I wasn’t. So he carried on, talking to about the band while I just watched everybody making conversation and prayed that with a snap of my fingers I’d be at the end of the day… believe me, I actually did snap my fingers, but sadly enough nothing happened.


More than a human being
More than just a friend
I wish I could take her with me
This doesn't need to be the end

Our lives get ripped apart
while they've always been together
I wish that we could be like in movies
you know, like real friends for ever

If I never ever see her again
It maybe will break my heart
I hope that I will see you again
and be far away from being apart


We were sitting in church as that old poem that I wrote when I was 14 shot through my mind. That one crappy poem might even be truer than any song I’ve ever written in my entire life. It’s so god damn true… everything has a meaning and everything came straight from my heart. And now, for fuck’s sake I’m sitting in a church where the girl who I wrote this about is gonna get married… and it’s not to me. We were sat back row, not wanting to cause a fuzz. We weren’t really supposed to be there anyways, so settling at the back was one of the small things that made me kind of better feeling. But, that feeling that I tried to hold on to got washed away when ’s brother, Tim, who just talked to us, came to disturb us with a question.

“Ok, crazy question for you guys, but does anybody of you know how to tie a tie?”

Is he kidding me?! The heads of my friends all turned to look at me, which made Tim look at me too. I looked probably kind of lost, because… well, Tim was wearing his tie already… so it didn’t make sense to me? But then he whispered…

“You? Can you help out? He just loosened his tie and now it looks rubbish!”
“Uhh… yea, sure, I guess,”
“Brilliant,”

I got up and made my way passed , and – who I still think looked ridiculous, so it was good to be sat at the back row. But, if we sat anywhere else, I probably wouldn’t have got to help … so no place was good for us. This counts as another sign that we were not supposed to be there in the first place.

Tim took me to the hall of the church, opened a door which reviled a long hallway. I always wondered what these hall ways would look like. I mean, you see them in the movies, but movies are never how things are in real life, now are they? I imagined old pastors and bishops walking down these hallways thousands of years ago… kind of creepy to be honest. Tim stopped at the third door on our right, gave it a knock and walked straight in. I just followed, and found a room which looked like my grandparents’ living room, except the dusty sofas. There was … looking kind of stressed. When he saw me, his facial expression got even worse and he looked at Tim. “?! I told you to go and get dad!” he said to Tim, who shrugged. “Dad’s sat first row… he was closer and the first one I could find who knows how to handle ties!” sighed as Tim left, leaving me alone with . A bit confused I thought out loud, “Since when does nobody really know how to properly tie a tie?” my comment got completely ignored, and I thought I saw him freaking out even more than he already was. Even though the thought of knocking him out, stealing his suit and locking him up in a closet somewhere crossed my mind, I decided to be the better man and help him to calm down. And tie his tie of course. Ok, so, turn the knob. Turn the knob . Turn that knob.

“So, you nervous?”
“Do I look nervous?”
“…kind of,”

I was fixing his tie, while he was facing the mirror. He sighed and closed his eyes for a second. I finished his tie and stepped away, so he could see the result in the mirror.

“You shouldn’t be nervous, I mean, I’ve seen her in her wedding dress and she looks gorgeous… especially now because she’ll have her hair and make-up done and everything…”
“Yea, you’re probably right,”
“And you look good aswell, so no need to worry!”
“Thanks man,”

He seemed to get over the fact that it was me who was there with him now, instead of his father. For a second I felt out of place as I already had done my job and was still there. But then he turned to me and sighed while he smiled. I don’t know, but it seemed like he was talking to me like we’re mates. You know, people always say that guys get along with any other guy, just like that. Place ten guys in a house together and ‘we’ll all end up drinking beers and having a laugh’. That’s not true! Well… it might be true, because we’re so called ‘chill’ with each other. We’re not, but we’re just not gonna make a fuzz about it. Girls do. They can’t stay friendly to each other when they don’t like one another. They just speak their minds and end up pulling each other’s hair out. Well, if we dared to, we would do the same thing… but we never really do. And, I guess that this wasn’t like that… well, at least it didn’t seem like it. seemed honestly nice towards me.

“I’m sorry ,”
“Don’t worry about it,”
“No, I’m serious… for the past few days I’ve been such an ass towards you, behind your back… I apologise, you’re actually just as friendly as told me you were,”
“Ah... I ehh…”
“I’m actually quite surprised that you showed up today!”

turned back to the mirror to look at himself. I didn’t quite know what to say to his apology, but I was kind of curious why he thought that I wasn’t gonna come. I mean, come on… he couldn’t possibly know anything about my feelings towards , right? The only time I’d seen him before this wedding was when I picked his fiancé up from the hotel about two weeks ago. So… I jumped in the deep and just asked.

“Really… why not?”
“… come on, are you serious?”
“Well… yes…”
“Let’s just put it this way… I’m just as surprised at you being here today, as I am surprised that said yes to marrying me!”
“Are you serious? You thought she was gonna say no?”

turned to me, looking as if I had lived under a rock. What, I’m serious! I didn’t understand what he was talking about!

“I can tell that you haven’t been in for a long time,”
“Well, I was there last Christmas,”
“Probably not long enough to hear about the gossip, the word going around, any rumour about me and that’s actually still going around as we’re speaking… especially after we decided to have the wedding in London, where you live for God’s sake!”
“I’m sorry, but can you just tell me what you’re talking about? You’re confusing me…”
“Come on man, everybody knows that I just replaced you after you left!”
“What… what do you mean?”
“You left and I was the first person to speak to like she was an actual person… I took over your job, literally became you… you wouldn’t believe the comments I got after I asked her to marry me… they even got worse when people found out that she said yes,”
“Really… like what?”

I was shocked, but wanted to know badly what had been going on while I was away. This is one of the reasons why I hate living in London. I wouldn’t want to miss anything that’s going on in my home town!

“Like I said… everybody knows that she said yes, just because her first choice wasn’t available…”

looked at me.

“Which is why I didn’t understand why you agreed to coming in the first place, but I appreciate it, thanks mate!”
“Yea… ehh… no problem… I ehh. I think I’m gonna go back to my seat,”
“Alright, if you see Tim, tell him I’ll be out in just a second, ok?”
“Yea… sure,”

I stepped out of the room, into the long hall. What was just said? What the fuck just happened? had looked like the old Goth that I knew, but only in a tuxedo. He was that insecure dude again… one that looked up to me. But, the thing he told about … I was her first choice? What the hell… that must be a lie. She had never been in love with me, that’s impossible! We were best mates until I left, then we both moved on. But, we moved on in different ways. I’d compare every girl I’d meet to her, and nobody was ever as interesting or as much fun to be around as . She couldn’t have been doing the same thing, right? No, she really couldn’t have. I know , and if was her second choice, she wouldn’t ever marry him! Marriage is for life (even though that might not be true in all cases, like her with parents)! As I walked down the hallway, back into the little hall I looked outside, and saw a car pulling up. I knew who was inside, and for some reason… I didn’t want to go back in church. It was too much. This whole thing was too much. Me wearing a suit, the guys being inside, helping with his tie- it all lead to my point of break down. Instead of stepping back into the church, I stepped outside. I wanted to go home. The car that pulled up a second ago opened its doors, and she stepped out. She hadn’t seen me just yet, so I just walked away. As fast as I could, trying to make it look like my eyes were watering ‘cause of my speed. When around the corner I realised that I was walking towards ’s car… crap, I knew it wasn’t a good idea to come here in ’s car! Fuck’s sake. I sighed and took a very short moment for myself. Then, I raised my hand and called for a taxi.

----

"?"
"Yea?"
"Nothing..."
"What?"
"It's just that... wouldn't the world be such a better place when mattresses had holes for your arm, so when you'd lay on your side, you'd fit perfectly? And, your spine would be straight, which I know is important,"
"Yea I guess,"
"And, you know how when your snuggling, that arm always gets in the way?"
"Yes"
"It would make snuggling easier too... that might be even more important than having a straight spine,"

----

I got back to the first day of when I thought I’d seen . With a cup of hot chocolate, Bumbum lying next to me, warming up my right leg and my photo album on my lap. This time I didn’t care much about my DVD tower as I took it, so now the doorway of the living room was filled up with DVD boxes. I had to make a jump if I wanted to leave the room… but I didn’t. For the first time in ages I allowed myself to cry. Bumbum noticed and started purring, knowing that it calmed me down (another good reason for having a cat). When I had thought about every memory of me and I thought there was, I thought I’d hit rock bottom. The album came to an end, and I found myself, questioning what the fuck I was doing. I walked away from a friend’s wedding, just because I had to cry? Because that’s what happened, didn’t it ? You’re a wuss, a pussy, and a loser who can’t stand up for himself and who can’t control his emotions! That’s what you are! The angrier I got with myself, the faster the tears came streaming down my face and I found myself getting aggressive. It’s weird how something as stupid as this can make me so angry! So after jumping on a few DVD’s – which were now wrecked and ready to join the trash in the kitchen, which I cleaned the other day by the way, but already started to grow as we speak – I hated myself even more for getting angry over crying. When women say that men are complicated… they’re right. We are. I got disturbed in my self pity when the doorbell rang. First I thought of not answering… but then I thought of how hysterical sometimes gets when he doesn’t know where I am – he once called the police when he thought his mother went missing when she only went to visit the toilet. So, I went to open the door.

“Please don’t close the door,”

The minute I opened it, and didn’t even get to chance to see who it was, I heard a voice saying this. As if somebody just ripped the arrow that cupid had shot into it, out of my heart, the tears popped right back in to my eyes. I sighed frustrated, almost angry at her for showing up the way she looked. was standing on my doorstep, with tearstained cheeks that welcomed new tears to run down the same route as she was shaking a little, holding her flowers as if it was a purse that you carry along when you go out.

“What are you doing here?”
“… looking for you?”
“You’re supposed to say yes to at this very right moment,”

Actually, that really was true. I checked my watch before I said it.

“I couldn’t… when I heard you, yelling out for a taxi, I-”
“You heard me?”
“I saw you stepping out of church… but, you just walked away, without looking back…”
“… I’m sorry that I wasn’t gonna be at your wedding, but-”
“I said no”
“… what?”
“Will you marry ? No. I said no…. Just like that, without even thinking. I expected to say yes, but no just popped out… I left at the altar.”
“I’m so sorry,”
“… I know why I’m crying… but why are you?”
“I’m not crying,”
“… you’re crying a little though,”

She sniffed as she waited for my answer. I sighed again, not wanting to get into this discussion and wishing that I could’ve avoided this situation by just not opening the door. But… then again, if I knew from the start that was gonna say no to , I probably would’ve stayed at the church. Stepping aside and nodding towards the hall way made clear that I wanted her to step inside. She did but before she passed me, she hugged me, slapping her flowers against the wall behind me.

I sat her down on the sofa, after kicking away the DVD’s and Bumbum quickly joined her. As always, purring to calm her down. I went to make hot chocolate, and while doing so, I wondered why came to my house. Well, I was the only one she knew in London. But then, why would she want to marry out here? All her family and friends live in … bit by bit I gave myself more prove to believe that had been speaking the truth. Then… I wondered… why hadn’t told me this. Why didn’t she tell me what people were thinking about her and about me back in ? We have been hanging out quite a lot in the past two weeks… more than I thought I’d ever would again. I got a bit angry at her for keeping all of this out of my knowledge. This concerned me, so I had the right to know! But then again, I didn’t want to scare her or make her sadder with yelling at her. I didn’t want to make her feel like I was being angry at her, even though that’s a hard thing you do when the anger is boiling up inside you. So, better as well just get it out now than wait for an explosion, right?

“Here you go,”
“Thanks,”
“… you okay?”
“Yea thanks…”
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure,”

She smiled as she looked down to Bumbum, stroking her slightly while warming her other hand on her coco cup. She looked exactly like a run away bride… which she was, but that just made it weirder. There was a run away bride, sitting in my living room, looking as gorgeous as ever, while everybody was probably wondering where she was.

“Is your second choice?”

I was sitting on my table, looking at her. Her head shot up when I asked, and I could see in her eyes that she felt uncomfortable with the question. She sat up slightly, and without answering she shook her head fastly, taking another sip from her hot chocolate. I could see that she was avoiding eye contact.

“Why…”

She cleared her throat.

“Why would you ask me that?”
“Because that’s what told me when I was helping him with his tie…”

Again her eyes shot up and looked into mine, searching to see if I was telling her the truth. I was, and I saw that she saw it too. Her eyes grew and she looked like she almost felt sorry for me.

“You talked to before he…”
“Yep, Tim asked me to help him out and he was… slightly freaking out,”
“Really? Was he nervous?”
“A man is always nervous before getting married… but that’s when he said that he found it strange that I actually came to this wedding…”
“He said that?”
“He’s still surprised that you said yes to marrying him!”
“… God I feel so stupid,”

She put her cup down on the coffee table and put her head in her hands, leaning her elbows on her knees.

“So… to come back to my question… is your second choice?”

I heard her softly sobbing into her hands. Without looking up she spoke to me.

“Oh … you have no idea! The rumours going ‘round, all the bad stuff they’re saying back home about me and getting married… Nobody believed that I was going to give this man my hand, Nobody! They all tried to talk me out of it, random people at the supermarket that I’d never seen before asked me ‘why are you marrying this young man,’ and ‘why couldn’t you just say no’… it was horrible!”

Now she looked at me, tears in her eyes, looking exactly like she did when I opened the door and found her on my doorstep.

“The worst part is… they’re all right. I couldn’t give my hand to …”
“Meaning that he’s your second choice?”
“Would be that wrong?”
“… I guess… why can’t you go for your first choice?”

Secretly I knew that was me, and I think she got my hint loud and clear, but the conversation carried on like it was something we already knew for ages. Not important to be shocked or surprised about. Not something new… more something from ages ago which sunk away and now popped back up again.

“Because!”

Ok, she seemed frustrated with me asking all these personal questions… but I just wanted to know.

“Because …my first choice moved away from me when I was younger, then we lost contact and the one friend, my hero, was nothing more than history… until he started popping up in all kinds of magazines, TV shows, on the radio and even newspapers from time to time. I couldn’t escape from him, but he seemed to have the perfect life without me… so I didn’t want to bother him…”

Seemed like she was blaming this on me. Well, I was kind of to blame for this, but it’s not like I could help it. I felt sorry for her, because of what she just said I realised that she was sitting on my sofa right now in her wedding dress, crying like a child who lost their favourite stuffed animal, because of me… it really was my fault!

“I’m sorry…”
“Urgh, no,”
“… I really am, terribly sorry,”
“No… don’t be,”
“Can I be a little sorry?”
“… yea ok. That’s fine.”

That night she spent at my place. She got an outfit from me, and as much as she wanted to burn her dress, we decided to keep it clean and return it to the shop tomorrow. Being in my house together like this, made it look like we were an actual couple. It felt good. Nice. Like it’s supposed to be, where movies are made from, where dreams go out to… When I finally went to bed, I offered to sleep on the sofa so that she could take my bed. She offered an even better solution- both sleep in my bed, so she wouldn’t feel lonely at night.

So. Here we were. Both in our pyjamas, or more like, a boxer and a shirt of mine, we took place in my bed. I wanted to be a gentleman and give her the space she needed. Tried my best not to touch her as I relaxed, but soon I found her crawling over to me, looking for my hand to hold. Once she had it, she didn’t let go. This time, the romantic way, fingers locked into each other.

“…”
“Yea?”
“…nothing,”

I smiled to myself as I looked at her.

“What?”
“It’s just that… why can’t things be like they used to be?”
“You mean when I still lived in ?”
“When we were the best friends in the world who stayed over at each other’s places all of the time, who had hot chocolate every night, who invented silly things which we strongly believed in would really work, who could enjoy themselves looking at clouds for three hours?”
“… I don’t know… life changes like that…”
“It’s not fun,”
“I know it’s not, but that’s just what happens… nothing you can do about it…”
“Nothing?”
“… I don’t think so, no,”
“Can I just do something which I think might change all of the changes?”
“Depends…”
“On what?”
“On whether it will really change thing to like they used to be when we were little…”
“Hmm… I guess that’s impossible…”
“Then, no.”
“But… I can try and make things even better?”
“You think you can do that?”
“I’m going to need your help though…”

I have to say, best flirting ever done in my entire life. And, she aswell! She was good at stuff like this, made everything look normal and innocent, while we were actually lying in bed together after she ran away from her own wedding! Thing were far from simple and innocent. I knew that things were going to be complicated but with next to me, looking straight through my eyes into my soul and heart, I knew that she cared just as much about me as I did about her. It only took a few seconds for her to kiss me… she kissed me. She really kissed me. I was kissing in my own bed… how could things ever get better?

“?”
“Yea?”
“… Nothing”


the end