Twenty three years ago was one of the most exciting days of my life. It was the day that Courtney Nicole was going to be introduced to the world. I could hardly sleep the night before, knowing that in just hours, I would be meeting my baby girl. Gabriel and Ashley were so excited! They both would talk to Court through my tummy and couldn’t wait to be the big brother and big sister…

I arrived at the hospital in the early morning hours, ready to be induced. In true Courtney fashion - (she was a little stubborn) - she finally entered the world when she was ready. I will never forget the look on Gabriel and Ashley’s faces when they got their first look at their little sister. The miracle of birth!

I can still remember the overwhelming feeling of unconditional love when each of my children were born. The amazing sense of wonder of seeing your baby take their first breath on earth. Taking in every inch of them - each finger and toe; the dimple in their cheeks; the softness of their skin; the sweet smell of a newborn.

I was thinking last night about the feelings that I had when Courtney was born. I knew that she would be probably be my last. It was a bittersweet moment when she was born - knowing that I would most likely never again experience anything like it again. Little did I know, that 19 years 51 weeks later, I would be watching her take her last breath on this earth.

These past 3 years have been the hardest years of my life. My mom asked me the other night if it gets any easier. I can’t say that it gets easier, it just gets different. There are times that something will spark a memory and I smile at those memories…and there are other times that something will spark a memory and I break down, wanting to crumple to the ground in pain. My faith in God is getting through the days - knowing that I will see her again, that we will be reunited in eternity. I look at life differently. I try to appreciate the small things…I treasure every moment I can spend with my family.. I want to make a difference in the lives of others.

Courtney made the most of her life - truly taking it all in and living it in fast forward. She touched so many hearts and continues to change people’s lives.

I found this ornament the other day and it made me think of Court. The day that she “crashed” she had changed her song on MySpace to Kelli Pickler‘s song “Red High Heels“. She couldn’t wait to get out of the hospital to buy a pair of red high heels! This will be her ornament on our tree this year.

Happy Birthday Court! There are no words to describe how much I miss you … I love you !

I have been awake most of the night, thinking I would post an entry at 12:35 am - the exact time 3 years ago that Courtney took her last breath, but the words didn't come. What could I say...how can I express my feelings about what it is like to continue living when you have buried one of your children...

First, let me start by saying that I have had many, many amazing blessings the past 3 years and I am so grateful for the joy that they have brought me. The most recent blessing was the birth of my newest grandchild - an adorable baby boy - Lincoln Roe - born Oct. 31st! Ashley and I made the mad dash to Orange County after receiving the call that Carlie was in labor - and we made it in time to be in the room to witness the miracle of birth! What an incredible moment - watching my son hold his son for the first time! It was definitely an emotional day...one that I will never forget.

I have been blessed to watch Cash and Charlie grow into amazing souls over the past year. Cash is in 1st grade and is doing incredible - he has surpassed the reading requirements for 1st grade and is now reading "3rd Grade" words. I am so proud of him! Charlie is 2 and is talking a mile a minute - quite the little chatter box. It's so fun to get phone calls from her! She has also made it through the first weeks of potty training! They are such a bright light in my life!

So, I try to find the words to describe my feelings in a way that others might understand. I think I have mentioned before the internal struggle that is part of my life now. I don't know if those are the right words, but I don't know how else to describe it. Blessings are blessings and moments of pure joy...but they are also moments that I am reminded that Court is not here to share them. And, the hurt that I feel is not just for me, but for my family and knowing that they are not able to share those special blessings with her.

It is also hard not to be selfish and think of the special moments that I will never experience with Court. I will never again get to see her blow out the candles on her birthday cake...I will never get to see her walk down the aisle and marry the man of her dreams...I will never see the look of unconditional love in her eyes as she holds her baby after giving birth ...

Many people say that they have lived their life without regrets. I can't say that. I regret that I didn't speak up louder and question the doctors more when my gut told me that something was not right during those last couple of weeks in the hospital...I regret that I didn't insist that the doctors on call contact her regular doctors "that" night...I regret that I didn't spend time reading the Bible with Court ... I regret that I didn't video tape more ... I regret that I didn't tell her that I love her more...

*If I Knew*

If I knew it would be the last time

That I'd see you fall asleep,

I would tuck you in more tightly

and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time

that I see you walk out the door,

I would give you a hug and kiss

and call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time

I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,

I would video tape each action and word,

so I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time,

I could spare an extra minute to stop and say "I love you,"

instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.

If I knew it would be the last time

I would be there to share your day,

well I'm sure you'll have so many more,

so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow

to make up for an oversight,

and we always get a second chance

to make everything just right.

There will always be another day to say "I love you,"

And certainly there's another chance to say our "Anything I can do?"

But just in case I might be wrong, and today is all I get,

I'd like to say how much I love you and I hope we never forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike,

And today may be the last chance

you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?

For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day,

That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss

and you were too busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today, and whisper in their ear,

Tell them how much you love them and that you'll always hold them dear .

Take time to say "I'm sorry," "Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay."

And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today.

So, take it from someone who knows what it is like for tomorrow to never come - tell your family how much you love them...hold them

close...take too many pictures...and treasure the moments that you have....

Wishing you all God's special blessings in the coming holiday season,

Debbie

3 years ago today I heard the same word that I had heard 5 1/2 years before - "CANCER".  It is a word that stops your world from turning ... a word that causes time to stand still and all of the color to drain from your world ... a word that sucks all of the air from your lungs.  I remember looking over at Court and my heart broke ... knowing what was in store for her and yet not knowing. 

The past 3 years have been such a mix of emotions.  It is still so hard for me to believe.

Court - I miss you with every cell in my body and I love you,

Mom

It?s been 26 months - 26 very long months since Court passed away. And, it still seems unreal to me - so strange. I have a hard time believing that this is my life - that I am living the unthinkable. Things have happened during the past 26 months that Court never knew about. I hear songs on the radio and think - Court would really like this song - - I watch a show on tv and think - Court would love this show - - I see clothes in the mall - smell new perfume fragrances - and think about Court.

Every morning before I leave for work, I go upstairs to say "Good Morning" to Ashley, Cash and Charlie. And every morning I can?t help but think how much I know Court would love to be there - spoiling them, hugging them ? just loving them. I can?t help but think how proud she would be of her sister - who is following her dream and pursuing a nursing career. I can?t help but think how proud she would be of her brother who is following his passion.

I miss Court so very much - so much that it sucks the air from my lungs - so much that my heart feels like it will stop beating - so much that I sometimes wonder how I can continue to breathe. But then I make myself stop and think - about my family and what keeps me going - and I think about what Courtney endured with such grace and strength.

I am trying so very hard to stay strong. I told myself that this was going to be a better year and that I would get back on track. I want so badly to be positive about the future. I want to find joy in my life. I want to live my life.

Wishing Everyone a Very Blessed Christmas -

Please say a prayer for the warriors who are in the fight - and if you would also take an extra few minutes to visit carepages -colemanscott and leave a word of encouragement for this very brave little guy whose family's Christmas plans took a detour.

I would also ask for you to pray for the families who are trying to get through the day without one of the children. 

Court, I miss you so much.  Today my heart is a little more broken.....

love, Debbie

Happy Birthday Court !!!

I hope you liked the balloons ! Charlie ate your cupcake - I'm sure that was okay with you.  There are no words to describe how much we miss you.............

I know I have written about Pennies from Heaven several times - but the past few weeks have been most unusual and I find I need to put it on paper once again. For those of you who are not aware of ?The Penny Story? for my family, I will give a quick explanation.

The last few days of Courtney?s life on earth are forever etched deep in my soul. She never fully regained consciousness following the surgery to remove her leg. Our entire family stayed by her side in the hospital, hoping for a miracle, but knowing the reality of the situation. Just hours before Court took her last breath, my mother - Courtney?s Grams - held Courtney?s hand and told her that whenever she found a penny, she would know that it was from her angel. I must have been talking to someone else, because I didn?t hear that conversation - but Ashley happened to overhear. Courtney died a few hours later. We spent a few sleepless hours across the street from the hospital at the Tiverton House. When I went in to take a shower, I thought it was odd that there were 3 pennies on the floor of the bathroom - but picked them up and tossed them in my purse. Later that morning, after signing the paperwork at the hospital - we were ready to make the trip home. I decided to ride with Ashley in her car and Cody and Pat were going to drive the other cars. When I went to sit down in the passenger seat of Ashley?s car, I had to pick up a penny off the seat. I handed it to Ashley - she looked at me with tears in her eyes and told me what she had heard Grams tell Court. I couldn?t believe it - and then I remembered the pennies on the bathroom floor. Coincidence - I choose to think not!

Needless to say, our family continues to find pennies in the craziest places and Courtney?s friends have sent me their penny stories. We find pennies on special days and we find them everywhere. I have a special jar on my dresser that I keep my pennies - and I have to say that I have quite a few. The past few weeks I have found pennies almost every day. Sept. 28th - the 2 year anniversary of Courtney?s bone marrow transplant - I found pennies. The first one was when I drove through a fast food place - I was craving ice cream and decided to go to Foster?s and get a ?twister?. As I pulled up to pay, I was shocked to see that someone had used a wad of chewing gum to stick a penny to the wall just under the window. I laughed as I paid for my ice cream! I drove directly to the gas station to fill my car for the week. I stepped out of my car - and there was a penny, with a second one just a few feet away. Last night I found a penny in the street as I was looking at what I thought was an oil leak. Ashley found one on the sidewalk in front of the house - after I had walked over the same spot 2 or 3 times today.

Ashley and I went to the Simi Valley Town Center to do a little shopping.  We arrived early, before the stores had opened and decided to get some coffee.  After ordering our drinks and finding a table, a song began to play.  "I've  got spurs that jingle, jingle, jangle - as I ride merrily along"... Not the typical song you hear in Starbucks - but it literally took my breath away.  That was a little tune that Courtney sang every time she got on her horse.  She used to ride around the arena singing it.  Ashley and I just looked at each other and began to laugh.  We had several other crazy penny encounters that day.

I have been missing Courtney so much lately. This time of year is hard. But I truly BELIEVE that Court is doing her best to let me know that she is around. A few nights ago,  Ashley and I were talking about the pennies we have been finding lately and about how much we miss Court - how sometimes it?s hard to realize that she is gone forever - how sometimes it?s hard to remember what it was like to have her here with us - - - and I got something I have been asking for - I felt her hug me. It?s hard to explain, but it is a feeling that I have only felt 2 times before - but I know it was Courtney - giving me a hug and letting me know that yes, the pennies are from her - they are truly Pennies from Heaven?

Please scroll to the bottom of the page to view the video