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Carol's Corner |
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| Verbal Abuse, What It Is and What To Do. | |||
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"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it
is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily
angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always
hopes, always preserves." -- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 While most couples will have occasional disagreements and even arguments; in most relationships both parties are free to express themselves without fear of retaliation. It is when one party doesn’t feel free to disagree or express themselves that a line has been crossed. Verbal abusers exploit, lie, insult, demean, ignore (the "silent treatment"), manipulate, and control. Verbal abuse can be as obvious as constant screaming and shouting or it can so subtle and passive aggressive that the victim may not realize what is happening at first, but realizes over time that her partner is taking away her self confidence and making her doubt herself on a daily basis. Some verbal abusers will use both these tactics at different times, others will only use one. The result is the same; the victim loses their voice in the relationship. The motive behind verbal and other types of abuse is to ultimately control the other party. Abuse is all about control and the abusive party wants to have the upper hand and final say-so in every aspect of the couple’s life together. And are some sign that your husband/boyfriend/wife/girlfriend is a verbal abuser. Do they . . . . . . . *Ignore or disregard your feelings? *Disrespect you either in private or in public? (My verbal abuser would not let a dinner or gathering with my parents and family go by without making at least one degrading remark about me – later if I said anything he would pass it off as a joke. . .see below) *Ridicule or insult you then tell you that it was a joke and you have no sense of humor? *Turn minor incidents to major arguments? (My verbal abuser would take incidents that most people would not give a second thought and turn it into an argument that would last for hours, during which he would bring up everything he thought I had done wrong for the last several years.) *Deny you access to family assets, such as bank accounts, credit cards, or even the car? *Control all finances and force you to account for what you spend? *Humiliate you in front of your children? *Hurt you thru pets or processions? (My verbal abuser would buy me nice things – then take them away a short time later and sometimes even give them to other people when he wanted to punish me.) *Ridicule or insult women as a group? (Likewise for men being verbally abused – does your wife/girlfriend insult men as a group?) *Ridiculed or insulted your most valued beliefs, your religion, race, heritage or class? *Continually criticize you, called you names, shouted at you? (my verbal abuser has sometimes yelled at me literally for hours at a time following me from room to room and blocked my exit from the house) *Play mind games with you? In a ‘dammed if you do, damned if you don’t type situation? (my verbal abuser would often give me two choices in a situation, and then criticize the choice I made and tell me why I was wrong for making it; then refuse to go along with it. Why offer it as a choice if it wasn’t acceptable? Of course he was just sitting me up, that is what they will often do) People who truly love you do not act this way. Someone who loves you has your best interests at heart and will build you up – not tear you down. Someone who loves you will consider your opinions and feelings equal to their own – not totally disregard them. Here are some signs that that your verbally and emotionally abusive relationship has started to have a negative affect on you. Do you. . . . *Doubt your judgment or wonder if your are "crazy"?
*Express opinions less and less freely for fear of their reaction? *Spend a lot of time watching for your partner's bad and not-so-bad moods, before bringing up a subject? *Ask your partner's permission to spend money, take classes or socialize with friends? *Have you lost confidence in your abilities, become increasingly depressed and feel trapped and powerless *Have you developed fears of other people and tend to see others less often? This is not how people are forced to behave when they are in a loving and adult relationship. If you recognize these signs or have begun to fear that the verbal and emotional abuse may cross over into psychical abuse then it may well be time to get out.
Are you being verbally, mentally or emotionally abused?
And here are some online support groups for victims of verbal abuse.
Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse Site and Forum
Should you leave your verbally abuse spouse? Everyone has his or her own opinions of divorce and only you can make the decision on whether or not you will leave your abuser. Many people stay because ‘for the children’. I now regret staying with my abuser as long as I have because I think my daughter would have had a much happier childhood away from him. Many times friends and family don’t understand verbal abuse the way they would physical abuse and it is harder to build a support network. You need to make a plan. If any of your children are old enough and mature enough you can include them in on the plan. Get a notebook (keep it where he can’t find it) and start making your plans. Where will you live? What about support? Will the kids change schools? Once you leave don’t plan to come back. Your spouse has been a jerk for your entire married life don’t expect him to be any better once you leave – expect it to get worse. Make a list of everything that has any sentimental or monetary value to you – have it packed or have it ready to go when you leave. Don’t expect your abuser to let you come back and pack at your leisure – and the law may be on his side if you are the one that leaves. When my stepdaughter left her husband she was forced out by his behavior and he made her and the kids leave because he was having an affair and wanted to move the other woman in. This made no difference in the eyes of the law because she was the one that left the family home. When they went to court the judge allowed her less than one half hour to return to the house and collect her belongings; many of which the husband had hidden or destroyed by that time. Don’t leave anything that you may regret later and don't forget such items as birth certificates, bank records, medical records, passports, etc. Most women I know who were able to get out and stay out had a plan in advance and had many items packed and ready to go long beforehand, everything else was organized and ready to go.
Try to find a lawyer who understands verbal and emotional abuse and what it is. Judges and many lawyers don’t understand this kind of abuse the way they do physical abuse. At least find a lawyer that knows what he is up against. You need to document as much as you can before you leave. If you are the main caregiver for the children make sure you can prove it. Keep a log of events, who takes the children to the doctor? Who goes to school conferences? Who picks the child up at school/daycare? Keep copies of any school papers and such documents that you sign for the child. You need to show that you are mainly responsible for caring for the children. Of course if the children are old enough they can testify to this, but it doesn’t hurt to have back up. Don’t be surprised if he tries to scare you by going for custody of the kids. Also don’t be surprised if he accuses you of being the abusive one. Abusers in courts will often claim you were the difficult spouse and that they had to work twice as hard because you contributed nothing to the home or family. Here are some sites to check out if you are considering divorce.
A Plan for Leaving an Abusive Relationship
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