Note (10-8-07): I just want to add a little disclaimer here. I wrote the bulk of this feature when I was very young, so be aware of that as you read. I was going to remove this page and just keep the content for my own private viewing, but then I felt a twinge of You-Are-Betraying-Mona-Who-Is-Still-Very-Very-Missed, so I decided to leave it alone.

Welcome to Ramona's Rainbow Bridge. The best rat ever, Ramona the Talking Rat, passed away on November 21st, 2003 and I thought it would help me get over it if I wrote about Mona's time in the afterlife.

11-21-03 ~ I am baffled and amazingly surprised. Earlier I told you in Ramona's Ratty Life that I was going to be okay, but...I was wrong. I guess I'll start from the begining. I last wrote you saying that that Rose and My Claire were fussing over nothing, and then just a few hours later, I went to sleep. I slept for over an hour, while still scratching when I had an itch and still sneezing. Then I heard the singer Tori Amos signing "Talula". I opened my eyes to discover that I was with my Claire, and that Rose was huddled over me. That Rose was very happy that I opened my eyes and so was my Claire, but then I had some trouble breathing. I started going into spasms. I heard that Rose say "She's dying!", and they both started crying, telling me that it was okay to let go. After a few seconds of spasms, It stopped. Everything stopped. I stopped spazzing, that Rose and my Claire stopped crying. It was almost like the earth had been put on pause. They were still there, but weren't making noise or moving. Then they started moving again and crying, and I felt myself rise. But for some reason, I wasn't scared like I would have usually been. As I was rising, it was like I was in an upward funnel with pictures all over it. I looked at the pictures and they were almost all of me. There was a picture of me after being born, and I gazed at my dear mother. There was a picture of my Claire and that Rose picking Alberta and I up at the pet store. A picture of me jumping off the dresser, one of me eating that Rose's message machine, one of me talking to my Claire, and another of me that took place earlier that day when my Claire was playing with TLFO and I. Then the pictures dissapeared. I looked in front of me and saw a large green meadow with waterfalls of Go-Gurt (A rat delicacy) at every corner. There was food everywhere and none of it was rotten. When I was done gazing at this miraculous display, I looked into the distance. I saw a small patch of brown, black, white, gray, and...green? Yes, green. I was strangely drawn to this patch and felt the need to run to it. I started running before you could say "Ramona is foxy". I ran and ran but for some reason, never got tired. Finally I finished running and looked ahead to see what the patch was. What I saw warmed my heart. It was 22 rats and 1 small toad. I was very curious, wondered for a few seconds who these rats were. Then I noticed who was in the front row. Violet-Olivia, Pamela-Ann, Dink, Mr. Sadrat, Witty, Squeak and Uncle Cecil. That is when I realized that I was in fact gone, and this wasn't just a fun game. I walked forward toward them. They all ran toward me and gave me a sort of ratly hug. Many of them even started grooming me. I kissed and groomed all the rats I recognized. Then I was walked back to a gigantic rat nest. There must have been a thousand paper towels, and there was no poop or pee in sight! They sat me down and told me how happy they were to see me. Then the ones I did not recognize walked away. My rats then told me that I had died and was at the Rainbow Bridge. They told me that I would spend eternity here, and that some day my Claire and everyone else will appear, and we will all be together. They told me that all the other rats were the ones that my Claire and that Rose had owned before I was around, and before they even lived in Texas. I am told that everything here is wonderful and pretty. I am sad that I will not see my people for so long (Or that foxy Jeckyl!), but not as sad because when I do see them, the eternity that we spend together will make up for it all.

11-24-03 ~ Wow, this place sure is foxy. But I still miss my Claire and would have prefered to stay there with her. I gazed down on my Claire and that Rose yesterday. They wrapped Christmas presents and went to several stores. A couple days ago my Claire remembered that when Cindy's baby is born, they won't be able to take pictures of us together, like they wanted to  because they saw that done on a rat website. Also, that Kristy lady and Steven, the people that kidnapped my Claire and that Scooter boy but then returned them, were at my Claire's house a couple days ago. That Rose noticed that when they opened the doors, mosquitos didn't fly in like they used to. She just figured it was me keeping them away. Smart broad. I wouldn't let those gross bugs in the house, so I relocated them down the street to the rental homes. I met the other rats a few days ago. There are many more of them than their are of us. I am very fond of one rat named White Mama. She is white with red eyes. She is very mean and grumpy. Supposedly, when she was alive she was blind with two big tumors on both sides, but they disappeared when she came here.

11-28-03 ~ Today is my Claire's birthday. As of now, I am sitting in the poop-free nest with my late sister Alberta and Violet-Olivia. There is a very foxy rat man here. He may be foxier than Jeckyl. His name is Doodles. He kind of looks like me, but he has a little doodle on his face. I really shouldn't be saying this. I mean, since I am near Dink now, doesn't that make us married again? You know it's kind of a good thing I went when I went, because if I hadn't my Claire probably would have been putting me in and on that Christmas tree, and you all must remember, I am a fatass. I don't balance well!

12-02-03 ~ As I gazed down on my Claire the other day, I gathered some good news; The Little Fluffy One and Mr. Pickles might breed! But the bad news is that today my Claire put them in the same cage today, and TLFO doesn't want anything to do with Pickles! She may be too old to have babies, but I swear, if that damn rat girl doesn't give me some grandkids after getting my hopes up, I don't know what I'll do! Err, I have to go now. That foxy rat man named Doodles is aproaching!

12-12-03 ~ The Little Fluffy One is still with Mr. Pickles. I do not know if she is having babies, and neither does my Claire. My darling sister Pamela-Ann has stolen that extremely foxy rat man named Doodles. And that wench knew I had my eye on him! But then again, it's for the best. I already have my Dink, whom I am very loyal to. I really like this place, but I'm not sure exactly I am supposed to do here. I mean, I can't shove the pee soaked paper towels out of the cage bars (No pee or bars), I can't chew holes in the cage (No cage) and I can't chew Big's drapes (No Big's drapes). But there is one thing I'll always be able to do! Chew the fur from my crotch! In fact, I can give all the rats bikini waxes! I'm going to go get started!

12-19-03 ~ It is now known that The Little Fluffy One is definitely having babies! Also, she will be a single mother, because she has requested a divorce from Mr. Pickles. It just wasn't working out. TLFO wants to have more of a friendly relationship with him. Actually, she really doesn't even want to see him after the divorce. Well, kind of. Okay, okay, so I lied. She isn't getting divorced, but they are going to seperate for awhile, so The Little Fluffy One can get her head straight. I wish she would get divorced though. I am not sure I like the idea of my daughter being married to a mentally retarded rat. I personally think she should have the kids, and then dump him. I have to go now, Doodles and I have a date. I know that doesn't sound loyal, but Dink is coming too! He'll just be sitting far away from us.

1-1-04 ~ Today is New Years Day. The Little Fluffy One was not going to have babies, my Claire discovered a few days ago. Why must that Fluffy wench be such a bother? The least she could do for her poor deceased mother is give her some damn grandbabies to look down on. The next rat my Claire and Big get I am claiming as my goddamn grandbaby. Wait a minute! A thought has just struck me! That pregnant lady, named Cindy, is supposed to have a baby, right? That child shall be my grandbaby! Sure, he won't be a normal rat baby, but he'll do. Hmm, what will I call him? I've got it! Stone! I shall call him Stone and he shall be mine. He shall be my Stone. Yes, Stone will do, but now I must go sit my ass on the non-pee smelling paper towel beds, making it difficult for my late sister Alberta, and Pamela-Ann to obsessively chew them up.

1-5-04 ~ I am very frustrated. My grandbaby, Stone, is not yet born. I know it has only been a few days since I decided I would claim him, but I want him NOW! I have been spending lots of time with two rats lately. One named Violet and another named The White Mama. I adore them both because they're just like me; Feisty, mean when they need to be, but at thesame time very polite and loyal. I especially adore The White Mama, because she is like a queen. She has two minions named Fievel (Who is a girl with a boy's name) and Midge. They follow her everywhere and do anything she says. I have decided that I shall get some minions as well. I've even chosen who they will be. One named The Violet Baby (She isn't Violet-Olivia, she just has a similar name) and the other is called Pinky. Pinky is The White Mama's baby (By birth, not adoption), but she shows signs of sweetness and shyness; Two deliciously perfect features in choosing a minion. I plan on having control over those two within a week. I must now go with my late sister Alberta to drink Go-Gurt from a stream, like beautiful Fawns on a sunny day, in a mossy green rainforest.

1-11-04 ~ My minion plan is NOT working the way I want it to. Those damn rats, Fievel and Pinky, do not understand that I am a controlling and queen-like rat, and they must bow down to me and do everything I say. They seem to think The White Mama is the queen-like rat. She kind of is, but in a different way. She is mysterious and wants rats to stay the hell out of her face, but she doesn't say it. You just kind of know. I myself am queen-like in the way that I get up in your face and tell you that I am the queen. *Hmph*. Why am I bothering myself with this? Not only do I know I am the queen, but Pamela-Ann, Violet-Olivia, Dink, Witty, Uncle Cecil, Mr. Sadrat and Squeak do too. Violet-Olivia is already kind of my minion (The little wench used to do anything she saw TLFO doing...including sticking her tiny ass up in the air and PRETENDING she was in heat). Still no baby Stoney. I am starting to get a little pissed.

1-14-04 ~ Today I have discovered something very juicy. It has to do with The White Mama. I was drinking from a Go-Gurt stream, and was looking extremely foxy and serine, when I heard Patches (A foxy man rat), Furball (An even foxier man rat) and Mr. Crumpet (A small, ugly and dirty toad) talking. I, being a very nosy, pushy and bossy rat, listened quietly. I discovered that The White Mama was beaten in a jailbreak by some guy named Jake, and left with a heartache!!! Now I know why that poor, dear woman rat is so evil to mostly everyone. She obviously has had a bad past. My guess is that she is an ex-con, and while breaking out of jail, with her much loved rat man named Jake, for some reason he beat her, and she was left in jail sad and alone! Oh I must confront the poor dear and make her feel better...

1-16-04 ~ I hate to say it but...I was wrong. After two days of bothering The White Mama about her ordeal, I have learned what actually happened. She wasn't really beaten in a jailbreak by some guy named Jake and left with a heartache. I must have heard it wrong, because earlier while talking to The White Mama about the beating and the jailbreak, she said "I WASN'T BEATEN IN A JAILBREAK BY SOME GUY NAMED JAKE AND LEFT WITH A HEARTACHE!!! I WAS ALMOST EATEN BY A SNAKE!! Not Jake, SNAKE! Get it right, damnit!". Oy vey. I thought I was always right, and I was wrong. I vow to be depressed until my Stoney is born, and then I will have an epiphany and remember that my life (Or non-life) isn't all that bad.

1-20-04 ~ HE IS HERE!!! My Stoney is here!!! Oh, I have had my epiphany and no longer am depressed! That young baby named Stoney arrived at 1:52 PM and is 6 lbs. 12 oz., and 19 inches long. My Stoney is adorable and has dark hair on his head. He isn't at his loving home yet, he shall go there tomorrow with his mother and father. I'm a grandmother and he's my grandbaby!

1-30-04 ~ Tiny Stoney has been at his home for over a week now. He is very small and is a perfect grandbaby (Better then any dumb baby ratlets that that damn The Little Fluffy One COULD have given me, but wouldn't because she's stupid)! His mother and father named him Corbin William, but that doesn't matter because I, Ramona the Rat, named him Stoney. 'Nuff said. Tiny Stoney does not cry much. He is very calm and wise.

2-10-04 ~ My relationship with The White Mama is back on track. She still makes fun of me for thinking she was beaten in a jailbreak by some guy named Jake and left with a heartache, though. Hmm. As I sit here in the lovely field made of 100% edible materials (Eerily like that scene in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, except the waterfall is Go-Gurt, not chocolate), I see a strange purple light in the sky. It is coming closer. Maybe I should leave, it is coming closer still. Okay, I'm going to get u-OWW!!!

2-12-04 ~ I am not fond of hospital beds. They always feel crinkly. I think the sheets are plastic for bedwetters. Or maybe they're just uncomfortable because they aren't like home. Oh wait, rats don't have hospital beds, they have hospital nests--but I'm pretty sure hospital beds are in fact uncomfortable. Now that I think about it hospital nests are uncomfortable too. Wait a minute, why am I saying "too" if I have never been in a hospital bed??? Oh goodness, now I am confused! Anyway, I don't know if hospital beds are uncomfortable, but I do know that I seriously dislike Cecilia Amelia Fontelia Perez. If it weren't for her I wouldn't be in this uncomfortable hospital nest, being waited on by Alberta and Pinky. If she hadn't come down from the sky in her lovely, purple, one-man airplane and hit me in the head, I would probably still be out in that damn field eating the 100% edible materials. Instead I am in the infirmary (Which happens to be run by Pinky and Alberta) with an ice pack on my head. When Cecilia Amelia Fontelia Perez hit me I ran screaming to the infirmary. Alberta said I only had a tiny bruise, but I believe I may have a concussion. After a few minutes of hasseling she agreed to treat me. I still do not know why that damn Cecilia Amelia Fontelia Perez is even here. If she passed on she should be on her Rainbow Bridge with her rat friends. Oh my, I must go now, she has entered the room! I shall inform you of the newest information ASAP!

2-14-04 ~ Cecilia Amelia Fontelia Perez is still here. She says she's here because of a problem at the front desk, but I think it may be more then that. I think there may be some evil afoot that Ramona the Talking Rat needs to fight. Why do I always have to be the much loved, amazingly foxy rat who saves everyone from evil? I guess it's because I'm perfect. Anyway, I only have to go 1000 miles to get to the front desk and see what's happening. That may seem like a lot, but I'm already dead, so I can't die or get injured. Plus this place is paradise, so I bet there are some great landmarks along the way. Oh yeah, I'll be able to get away from that damn Cecilia Amelia Fontelia Perez! Not only is she rude for landing on me, but she wears one of those stupid old fashioned pilot's caps! I think I shall set out tomorrow. God, I am so stressed that I hardly even remembered Valentines Day!

2-15-04 ~ I stayed up all night looking through maps deciding which way I would take, and I decided that I will go the Crystal-Edenberry way. It'll take about 1100 miles. That was the quickest way. I will be setting off in a few hours with...umm...okay, okay, I'll tell you!!! That damn Cecilia Amelia Fontelia Perez has decided to ruin my vacation, and she is going to acompany Violet-Olivia and I. Pam said it would be a good idea for Violet-Olivia to go as well because she knows how to hoard and I can use her as a distraction if I need to. Pam is pretty, but I don't think anyone would look at her. Anyway, that evil Cecilia Amelia Fontelia Perez and tiny baby Violet-Olivia and I will be setting out soon.

2-16-04 ~ We've been traveling since about 4 PM yesterday. We've gone about 15 miles. My poor ratly body can't stand this terribly hard work. But of course that damn Cecilia Amelia Fontelia Perez is just fine. Just dandy. Little bitch. We could have gone in her plane, and we would have been there in no time, but the damn wench broke her plane when it landed on me (Okay, so it only hit me, but I can say it landed on me if I want to, damn it!). While Violet-Olivia and I gathered blackberries today, she told me that she liked Cecilia Amelia Fontelia Perez. This angered me so much that I struck her. That's what she gets for being such a wannabe-Spanish-wench. Have I not told you that yet? Cecilia Amelia Fontelia Perez is from Spain and Violet-Olivia thinks that's just the foxiest damn thing ever. Hmph. If she likes that damn pilot cap-wearing wench so much then she can be her new mother. Oh my, I have just heard a strange sound coming from around the bend. I wonder if we are under attack. Maybe Cecilia Amelia Fontelia Perez has been taken hostage One can only hope)! It sounded much like about 10 evil flying squirrels (The regular kind of squirrel, only they can fly. Not the animals Flying Squirrels). I shall go take a look.

2-18-04 ~ I've had a funky two days. When I last spoke with you I thought we were being attacked by evil flying squirrels. Turns out, we were. I went around the bend, and what did I see? 10 evil flying squirrels stealing our food, messing with our campsite, one was poking Violet-Olivia, and Cecilia Amelia Fontelia Perez was fighting one of the squirrels with a stick. I, of course, ran up to Cecilia Amelia Fontelia Perez and stole her stick, then started fighting one of the evilest ones. I scared off 7 of them, and then the 3 others ran away. I wasn't able to get any info from them. I now am aware that this trip may not be all turkey. There is definitely going to be some of that nasty green bean meal that your great aunt (Who's name you forgot) brought, and your always afraid to eat it, but of course you do. These evil flying squirrels are the problem at the front desk, and I am going to conquer them.

2-22-04 ~ We've not run into any evil flying squirrels since the last incident. We've gone about 130 miles. There's no going back now. Those squirrels need some good old fashioned ass kicking, and I am the one to do it. How dare they poke my Violet-Olivia! The poor dear cried for two days because she was so hurt that evil flying squirrels would want to poke her. Why would anyone want to poke such a small, defenseless, feminine rodential rat like her? Well, it's in the past and hopefully no one will ever poke Violet-Olivia again. Maybe a squirrel will poke Cecilia Amelia Fontelia Perez....

2-24-04 ~ I had a dream last night. It was about The Little Fluffy One and that damn ex-husband (Yeah, they finally got divorced, but are living in sin...actually, they aren't in a relationship, but I don't like him, which is why they're living in sin) of hers. It started I saw TLFO and she was being cleaned by Mr. Pickles. She breaks free of his grasp and calls the police, screaming assault the whole time. The cops come and he says "No! I am just a Pickle and I must clean her!". The cops say "Sorry buddy, but we don't believe you because this is Ramona's dream and she subconsiously and consiously doesn't want us too". Then they carry him off to prison. A rat can only dream.

3-2-04 ~ We've gone 270 miles. My tiny Violet-Olivia has found something. It is an itty bitty purple bow that fits perfectly on her head. She seems to enjoy it and has not yet put it down. Cecilia Amelia Fontelia Perez thinks we should stop walking and take a real break for a while. I am not sure. It would be a good idea if I had thought of it, but since she did, I do not want to stop. She wants to stop today. My Violet-Olivia and I will stop tommorrow.

3-8-04 ~ We took a two day break on the 3rd. We've gone a grueling 310 miles. I suppose I shouldn't complain; I should be greatful I haven't had to fight off those evil flying squirrels again. Those evil flying squirrels who so viciously poked my tiny baby Vie. It wasn't so much the poke that bothered her and I, her tiny baby feelings were hurt more then her body. In fact, her feelings were poked, torn up and spat on. Oh well. I suppose we should get on with our lives and set our minds on getting the extra 790 miles towards the front desk.

3-14-04 ~ I have lots of news. On the 12th I found an abandoned airplane under some tropical plants, and Cecilia Amelia Fontelia Perez fixed it (It was hardly broken--the guy who left it was just a loser). So we ended up flying to the front desk. We got there three hours later and were extremely surprised at what we saw: Zero evil flying squirrels, 9 tiny Aguotards (Eternally 6 weeks old, they are), 1 tiny rat who looked an awful like me (She was also 6 weeks), the lady who tends the front desk, and The Little Fluffy One. "What the hell are you doing here?" I asked her. Before she could answer I figured she must have died. Hmm. Then I asked her why 9 tiny Agoutards (Agoutards are a mix between an Agouti and a retard, if you didn't know) and 1 tiny rat who looked an awful lot like me, who seemed to be too young to be here, were with her. She said that they were her babies. "But you never had children, you wench" I reminded her. "I know this, Mother Mona, but I was indeed expecting. They passed on while incubating, and they sat here in limbo until I as well passed on. I was sort of like the activation code" The Little Fluffy One explained to me, while trying to keep her 10 tiny babies together. Then I got real excited. I FINALLY HAD MY OWN GRANDBABIES!! Then I explained to the dear The Little Fluffy One that she already had nine little Agoutards to take care of, and they were much harder to take care of because they look and act like that mentally disabled rat of a husband of hers, and that she should give me the one that looks an awful lot like me, who is not retarded. She agreed on the 13th, after I commanded her to hand over the baby. She is my grandbaby and shall act just like me. I have deemed her Lil' Mona.

3-16-04 ~ The Little Fluffy One and her children have been with us for 4 days. She has named them (She actually picked some pretty decent names!): Van Damme (boy), Toothy (girl), Griswald (boy), Mr. Pickles Jr. (boy), The Little Fluffy One Jr. (boy...don't ask), Loonette The Clown (girl), Hortense (girl), Margot (girl), and Alabaster (boy). I love that last name, don't you? Lil' Mona thinks The Little Fluffy One is her gaurdian, and she needs to get this foolish thought out of her head immediately. I am her gaurdian and savior, Mother Mona. That's what I told her to call me. I must now go make up some useful information and teach it to Lil' Mona.

3-25-04 ~ Lil' Mona has finally taken to me. She calls me Mother Mona. I am Mother Mona. I also enjoy The Little Fluffy One's children, as they are my grandbabies. Griswald, Toothy and Hortense are my favorites. They are quite lovely Agoutards, and they are The Little Fluffy One's minions. Lil' Mona is my minion. Oh goodness! I have forgotten all about Cecilia Amelia Fontelia Perez! She is indeed still with us. The broad we talked to at the front desk said that the lady who housed Cecilia Amelia Fontelia Perez had no other rats, and they can't send her off to an empty Rainbow Bridge all alone. So she must stay with us. Grrr.

4-4-04 ~ Today was World Rat Day. I have never heard of it before, but I've been told that it's a day to celebrate rats. Interesting. The Agoutards are circulating among the others. Almost every group (Examples: Pamela-Ann, Me, and Alberta stick together. Dink, Squeak, Witty and Uncle Cecil do too) has their own baby. The Little Fluffy One still mothers them, but I have come to discover that she is kind of a deadbeat mom. She feeds the Agoutards and all that stuff, but she kind of just pushes them out of the nest in the morning and let's them go about their merry way, without supervision from her. Why, oh why, can't she be a good ratly daughter? If she keeps this up I might just take all her Agoutards. No, no I won't do that. The others look and act way too much like that little retard, Mr. Pickles.

4-15-04 ~ I put together a shindig for the others on Easter. Most of them were too lazy to do one themselves, so I of course took matters into my own ratly hands. I even hid Easter eggs. Oh, but I ran out of candy towards the end and instead shoved Violet-Olivia and a couple of Agoutards in. Vie's too much of a wench to object to this, so she just smiled and helped me fit her tail in. Cecilia Amelia Fontelia Perez tried to steal the spotlight. She got her own Easter eggs and candy and was going to have her own egg hunt (In her own stupid Spanish accent: "I will be having my very own Easter egg hunt, and all are welcome. I, my dear friends, am not like Ramona. I will not eat all your findings, and I will not make you hide in an egg when I run out of candy!"), but to her awful luck, I went to her nest in the dark of night and stole her eggs and candy. Oops, better luck next time, bitch.

4-23-04 ~ Well I've had a hell of a day. That damn Pickles Retard is here, he arrived in the middle of the night and woke everyone up. I was just lying there asleep, and I then I was awoken by a loud crash. I ran out there, and who do I see running around in circles like a ninnie? That damn Pickles Retard, that's who I see. He was running around screaming about cookie dough and some other nonsense, and he clearly needed to be restrained, so I jumped on him with all my weight. He stopped. He looked up at me slowly, and screamed "AHHH! What are you doing here?! You left a long time ago!! You need to be sanitized" (Don't ask where the sanitize part came from--I don't know). I got my self off of him, and screamed for my little The Little Fluffy One. But of course the Agoutards got there first, and they promptly jumped on him and started cleaning like crazy. They get their looks and cleaning genes from him, so it must have been a scent thing. The Little Fluffy One arrived and asked what the hell was going on, but the "going on" part was cut off because she had spotted Pickles. "Oh my word, it is Pickles", she said, emotionlessly. I quickly snapped at her "Well no duh, dummy. Sometimes I worry about you". Then I told her to deal with him, and she took him and the Agoutards (Who didn't release their grips on him when he started walking) back to her nest. I didn't get much sleep, and the Agoutards are still cleaning him.

5-7-04 ~ GOOD GOD! I, Ramona, have uncovered and made a profit of something amazing! Okay, so a couple days after Pickles arrived (And a few minutes after the Agoutards loosened their grips on him) I was sauntering over to the Go-Gurt river, and I spotted the Pickle and Agoutards. The Agoutards were rolling around him and he was in the middle with a faraway look in his eye. He was singing. And let me tell you, it was beautiful. The sound coming from that little retard was too much to describe. He sounded like a little retarded angel. I was in some kind of mental trance when he stopped. I ran up to him and said "PICKLES! My god, you can sing!". "What, that? Oh that's nothing, I've been doing that my whole life. Now cleaning, that I can do. You should see me clean. May I clean you?" Pickles replied. I told him he couldn't clean me, then asked him to sing again. Immediately I knew there was money to be made. So I got Violet-Olivia and the Agoutards to come and dance around Pickles while he sang. As of now I am in the middle of setting up our upcoming tour. That's right, we, Pickles And The Bumpin' Agoutard Choir, are going on the road.

5-20-04 ~ Sorry I haven't spoken with you in so long, I've been busy managing the band. We went on our first tour on the 10th, and it was a success. Before leaving I bought a ratly bus, and drafted Dink as our bus driver. After we left we traveled across our Rainbow Bridge and into someone elses (Of course we stopped at the front desk to perform for them first), and they were a lovely group of 50 or so rats. Pickles, the retarded singing man, was great. While he sang Violet-Olivia and the Agoutards danced around him. Vie did modern dances and other useless movements, and the Agoutards rolled around him. Our lack of decent dancers was made up for in Pickles' voice.

6-2-04 ~ Already half way through the year. Where has the time gone? There sure has been a lot of traffic here lately. A few days ago we got our most unique Rainbow Bridge guest ever. Flex, my new best friend. It was the 27th, and I was lazing next to the Go-Gurt stream when I heard a woosh sound. I looked back but saw nothing but our tiny town in the distance. After going back to my lazing I heard another woosh. I was starting to get pissed off, and was about to give someone some good ol' fashioned Mona ass kicking, but this time when I turned I saw a GIANT dog!!! And he was doing figure eights!! I stood there, mouth hanging open for about 2 minutes as this weirdo ran through my field. Finally, he stopped in front of me. "Who the hell are you??" I asked, stunned that a HUGE dog was panting and looking nervously at me. "I'm Flex! Who are you, and where am I?" he asked me. I welcomed Flex to the Rainbow Bridge, but then told him he must have the wrong one because I had no idea who he was. So I was about to take him to Cecilia Amelia Fontelia Perez (Who could fly him to the front desk), when I decided to ask who his owners were. He answered me with "Rose, and Scooter, and Claire, and Ross, of course". That was a shocker. Turns out this rather large imposter was a dog that my Claire housed when she lived far far away. So I am letting Flex live outside my house while Pam, TLFO, Doodles, and a few others make him a giant dog nest. He's so very lovely, and it turns out he used to race and people would bet money on him (That is why he was doing figure eights).

6-3-04 ~ They've finished building Flex's nest, but somehow he looks out of place in it. We used 10 rolls of paper towels, yet it still does not seem like enough, and he looks a little odd. He says he'll do his best being a rat, but I don't think he is doing very well. I taught him that when he recieves food he must hide it somewhere, then eat it, but he hasn't accepted that concept. White Mama (One of the rats he is familiar with, because my Claire used to house them when she lived far far away) snickers quietly when he eats his food right away, and when he finishes cleaning himself WAY before we do. I had to finish cleaning him the other day because he missed a lot that he didn't seem to think was a big deal. I am doing my very best at teaching him how to be a rat, but he just isn't getting it.

6-16-04 ~ Flex has become the best rat he could be, but still not perfect. He eats his food after he hides it (Although he stares at it longingly), cleans more then before (Sometimes he just pretends so I won't nip at him), sleeps in his nest outside my house (He can do that), and plays with the other children. I have adopted him as my child, so now Lil' Mona has a brother. He seems happy here.

6-30-04 ~ My Violet-Olivia is so innocent. She was almost swept into a world that I never want her to know about. EVER. Yesterday she wandered off to pick flowers or something and did not return. I sent a team of our toughest rodents after her: Doodles, Mr. Sadrat, Dink, Mr. Crumpet, Flex (For transportation reasons), and Pamela-Ann. They found her in a cave after two hours of searching. It was not a pretty site. That poor, poor little weakling's lips were covered in bright red lipstick, her eyes in blue eyeshadow, and any other makeup product was slabbed all over her dear little body. Beside her sat an aging rodent woman, who was wearing even more makeup products (And a platinum blonde wig) then anyone on my team had ever seen. That awful woman had turned my beauty into a no good, non-innocent, trashy, dancing stripper. And the sad part is that my dear little one had no idea that the woman was doing anything wrong. Anyway, my team returned her to me and I lectured her. I asked her why she was with that awful specimen, and she replied "Oh Mother Mona, am I in trouble? I simply told Victoria Vixen [That was the awful woman's name] that I was an exotic dancer and--". I cut Violet-Olivia off when I heard the words "Exotic dancer". I lectured her for a few hours more, and it turns out my tiny Vie got interperative dancer (What she does when we are on the road with Pickles) confused with exotic dancer. What a silly, stupid little girl.

7-11-04 ~ We've had our first arrest. Three, actually. It all started yesterday. I was out and about when I noticed that awful rat woman, Victoria Vixen. She was on MY land, and that is not my idea of fun, so I sent Flex out to remove her. He got scared and after doing three figure eights, he came back and told me he couldn't do it. So I sent White Mama and Mr. Sadrat to do the job. "Excuse me miss, but we've been sent to remove you from the premises immediately", said Sadrat, surprisingly business-like. Victoria Vixen refused, saying that she had come to see Violet-Olivia and would not leave until she had. White Mama was getting pissed. "If you don't leave now, I'm afraid I will have to put you in restraints", said White Mama. Still, that awful woman refused. That's when White Mama looked at her with hatred and tackled her to the ground. She was trying to restrain her when she yelled "I need backup!". So Sadrat jumped on the dogpile (Or ratpile). "Listen woman, I took on a snake and won, I'd have no problem taking your ass down", snapped White Mama. Sadly, Victoria Vixen would not let herself be handcuffed. So at the exact same time Sadrat and White Mama bit her (Nipped, really) in the leg. Until then, everything was legal. I will not have that kind of illegal biting crap in my home, so I had to stop that nonsense. I sent Flex out to take the three of them to the county jail. Dink was there waiting. I don't know what for exactly, considering we have never had an arrest before, but I guess that's just what he does when he isn't driving the tour bus. Anyway, they are to be held in jail until the trial, and that will be whenever I can get Cuddley to do it.

7-12-04 ~ Big news! Just after dinner last night, I went outside to find the Agoutards (Their mother would not). As I was walking towards the tree where they like to play, I saw a little black piece of leather covering something that seemed to be shivering. I bravely went over to it and pulled the leather (Which I could now tell was a miniature leather jacket) away. I gasped when I saw Dink huddling under the tree. I gasped again when he screamed after looking at me. "Dink! Why are you so frightened?!", I asked that ratly man, who seemed a lot more handsome for some reason. "WHO ARE YOU?!?", yelled Dink, quite rudely if you ask me. I told that newly handsome ratly man to stop being so rude, and get his butt in his cottage before the Agoutards find him and jump on him, but then something truly horrifying happened. Another Dink came up from behind me, while the frightened and handsome Dink was still in front of me. I could almost hear the Twilight Zone tune play. Upon seeing an old version of Dink, not handsome and wearing a convenient store hat (I guess that's where he goes when he's not driving the tour bus), I ran like hell towards my cottage. I stayed there for 15 minutes, then heard a knock on my door. I slowly got up and opened it. It was just Violet-Olivia at first. It turns out I had stepped on her while running to my home. But then, out from behind her came the two Dinks. I was about to slam the door on them, but they explained to me that the new Dink is not Dink at all. He's a new rat named Whiley, and he is a very distant cousin of Dink's. That is why they look so much alike. He's here because his Rainbow Bridge is empty, and he didn't want to be alone, so he was sent here. Aren't they all? This upset me. I was hoping this "Whiley" was a new version of Dink. He is much more handsome, and he doesn't drive a tour bus (Mona needs someone better then a tour bus driver).

7-19-04 ~ I am upset. A few days ago my Claire announced on her web journal (Yes, I read it) that she was getting new rats. Immediately I tried to reach her through a dream so I could convince her not to replace me. This is not the first time I have spoken to her through a dream. Sadly, it did not work, and she got those tiny rats yesterday. They are not fancy rats either, they are tiny wild rats. My Claire likes them very much, and I fear she shall no longer think of me. I must do something. I must make sure I stay my Claire's favorite rat.

7-20-04 ~ Last I spoke to you I said I had to do something about those tiny wild rats, and I have done it. I spoke to that foxy Jeckyl while he slumbered last night, and I told him what he must do. Early this morning "Mona" was spelled in rat foods on the bottom level of Jeckyl's cage. At first I could tell by the way he was jerking around in his ratly slumber that he did not want to particapate in this task, but I kept at him. "Come on, you foxy man rat named Jeckyl, you've seen the movie. If some stupid spider could write something about some dumb pig in a web, why the hell couldn't you, a foxy man rat, write 'Mona' in rat foods, or poop or something?" Nobody could say no to Ramona, so he did as I told him. Now I am sure to stay my Claire's favorite rodent of all time!

7-28-04 ~ I recieved a package today. I wasn't expecting one, and it lacked a return address, so at first I feared it could have been a bomb. But when Dink the UPS man (I didn't know he was the UPS man, but I guess that's what he does when he's not driving the tour bus, aka Flex) assured me that he heard no ticking all throughout the drive, I decided it must be okay. I was disapointed when it was just Violet-Olivia. The Agoutards had wrapped her up and sent her to me. When I asked those tiny rodents why they would do such a thing they said they were bored of her. Then Dink drove off wearing his boring brown suit, and I went about my business with Lil' Mona.

8-17-04 ~ We have renamed Mr. Pickles and the Bumpin' Agoutard choir. It has changed from a Donnie and Marie type thing, to a more grungy rocking band, so we decided the name Mother Rat Bone is much more appropriate. I have invested in a long, dirty, and very grungy sandy brown wig for my dear Pickles and I trained him to drop his beautiful singing voice and adopt the voice of a rock star. Still nice to hear, but nothing compares to the first time I heard that young retard sing. Anyway, moving on. I made Alberta make tiny ripped jeans and flimsy T-shirts for the Agoutards, and now two of them play the guitar and bass. The others still roll around Pickles like the half retarded rodents that they are. Violet-Olivia has been turned into a deaf interperator\interperative dancer. Flex and Dink (Tour bus partners) are security. I didn't know Dink would make such a great security guard, but I guess that's what he does when he's not driving the tour bus. We couldn't find a drummer, so we purchased one of those monkey toys that bang the drums and pasted a picture of Jeckyl the foxy man's head on it. Already someone asked about it, and I simply told them that he doesn't say much or show very many emotions at all. They'll never have to know. I am such a successful rat.

9-9-04 ~ I'm awfully sorry about the lack of updates, but I have been quite busy. My dear Pickles has rocketed into grunge fame. His debut album, Nine, is currently the number one selling album in the Rainbow Bridge. That wonderfully retarded rat is mobbed in the streets by crazed female fans who have broken into our quaint little town. Pam has started making T-shirts and mugs with Pickles' face on them and selling them for unfair prices. The band is not affiliated with her in any way, shape or form. The most popular song is 'Pickles', which is about growing up mentally challenged. Pickles sings with such emotion. Dink and Flex are not only security, they're bodyguards too, so dear young Pickles must take them everywhere. Dink's job is to try and talk the crazed fans away from Pickles, and when he fails Flex picks up and lightly tosses them onto the nearest soft item. Then they either run away in awe that they have just been removed by Pickles' bodyguard, security, and tour bus, or they just keep on trying to reach that lovely young retard. Then they are simply tossed once more. It would be a physically and emotionally exhausting thing to be a fan of Pickles and Mother Rat Bone, I presume.

10-10-04 ~ I've already started planning our Halloween event. We shall invite the other Rainbow Bridges to ours to Trick-Or-Treat and socialize. The young ones, of course, will run about the streets begging for candy, the teens will have a dance, and the adults shall sit outside in lawn chairs and watch over the children. I've planned out everyone's costumes: Violet-Olivia shall go as a deaf interperetor dressed as a ballerina, The Agoutards will be a carton of eggs with a few missing, Pickles will be John Lennon, TLFO (Yeah, she's an adult, but so is Pickles, although a retarded one, and he's going, so why shouldn't a lovely rat like her go?) shall be Yoko Ono, Pam, Mr. Sadrat and The White Mama are going as a Spec-Ops team, Fluffy is going as an angel, Violet as a devil, Doodles and Patches are going as siamese twins, Midge shall be Martha Stewart, Fievel is going as a boy, and I shall dress as My Claire. Well, forget the idea of adults socializing in lawn chairs while watching the children. We'll all be WITH the children!

11-2-04 ~ Halloween went foxily. Everyone collected a fabulous amount of candy, and I had everyone deposit their shares at the local church. That's a new rule, by the way. All candy goes into a pot for me -I mean everyone, to share. Now, to change the subject. I am currently watching the presidential election on my tiny television. I am quite distraught for I fear that son-of-a-Bush will win. If only rats could vote. Sigh. Or better yet, if only I, Mona, could be president. Yes, I like this idea. And I could run against Mr. Sadrat, who is a very political rat. Then again, he is not a republican rodent. But still. It could be a vote on who is better liked. Yes. That's it, I Ramona Rat, shall be president of The Rainbow Bridge.

11-12-04 ~ As we all know, that son-of-a-Bush did win. I feel I should do my rodential part, so we will be having an election in the Rainbow Bridge doon enough. My running mate will be Pamela-Ann, and I am running against Mr. Sadrat (His running mate shall be The White Mama). Stay tuned, folks, and remember, vote for Ramona, a rat who cares.

11-19-04 ~ Okay, here's the deal. Sadrat and I have decided to squash any ideas of campaigning, we're just going to go right at it on account of everyone here pretty much knows everything about us anyway. Voting starts next week. The polling offices will be run by Alberta and Cuddley, and all are welcome to vote, even Pickles and the Agoutards. In fact, Pickles, being a well respected rodent in the Rainbow Bridge because of his very politically minded music, will be starring in an upcoming commercial about why you have- I mean should, vote for Mona. The commercial will start with inspiring instrumental music playing, and me walking down a line of skinny rodent youth wearing David Copperfield inspired clothing, handing each one a tube of Go-Gurt. Then comes Pickles comes on and says 'Vote for Mona, a rat who feeds skinny rodents who need food'. Then my voiceover says 'I am Ramona, and I approve this message'. That damn Sadrat doesn't have a commercial, so there. I am already winning, I can tell.

12-5-05 ~ Voting has been postponed because that damn Sadrat has done something scandalous. Not even elected yet, and already he's a Clinton. That damn rat MARRIED his running mate, The White Mama! Now he has to find a new running mate, and I won't be president until he does. But the advantage to this is that now nobody will vote for him. So I am guaranteed to win. Victorious.

12-23-04 ~ Before I tell you who won the election, let me start at the begining. It was damp and muggy day, and I was prowling around the voting grounds. As I'm peering underneath the booths, I see some recognizable feet. Small. very hairy, but in an elegant way. I'm trying to remember those feet when someone sees me, and I'm forced to jump into the booth. Ah ha! It's my little Violet-Olivia! Good, my small enjoyable sidekick will help me with a scheme of some sort, I proclaim, as my baby Vie rushes to cover her paper. Okay, I know. We'll send Pamela-Ann and Cuddley off to lun- wait a minute, Violet-Olivia. It seems you accidentally checked off Mr. Sadrat as your vote. "Oh, umm, I'm sorry Mother Mona, it was umm, a mistake", says my tiny baby rat, staring at her hairy little feet. Oh yes, a mistake. Don't worry young rat, I will help you change it. I pause. But wait. How on earth could you mistakenly check Mr Sadrat? It's not as if we have similar names, Slowly, while I'm helping my young rat change her ballot, it dons on me. This was no mistake. That damn girl did this on purpose. She is a crafty little one. She must be workingas a double agent for both me AND Mr.Sadrat! I am going to- Oh no, I must go. I'll fill you in later.

12-24-05 ~ Okay, I'll start from where I left off. Before I could poke that little Violet-Olivia rat as punishment for what she did, she scurried under my feet and I lost her. So I sat in the chair and stared at the ballot. How could that tiny little creature betray me like this? We're partners, for rat sakes! I was so distraught that I exited the booth and went to my hut to think. When I turned the tiny TV on to see what was new, I saw Alberta and Cuddley, and they were obviously about to anounce who was president. "Our new president of the Rainbow Bridge is.....Uh..Mr. Sadrat? Yes, our new president is Mr. Sadrat!" Alberta was obviously as surprised as I was, considering she blinked a few times before saying it was that sad Sadrat. I was amazingly upset. While I was lounging on my nest feeling sorry for myself I could have been out changing votes, and since I wasn't that damn rat is president. But then I got an idea. I would pronounce myself queen. Yes, what a fabulous idea! Fine, so what if Sadrat's president, I am Queen Mona of Everything!

2-10-05 ~ Wow, folks, it sure has been awhile. Let me fill you in on what everybody's up to. I am still Queen Mona of Everything. My baby girl rat Violet-Olivia has been forgiven for voting for that damn Sadrat, and she has been pronounced my royal tiny girl rat. Her job is to stand next to me and look cute. If she fails at this she will be fired and I will be forced to hire some other tiny cute girl rat, such as Fievel or Midge or someone of the like. My darling daughter The Little Fluffy One is more or less the same. She still lets her Agoutards roam as they please, and I still have to run after them and tell them what to do. Lil' Mona is fabulously Mona-like, as always. Mr. Sadrat is still quiet and serious, but he acts as if he's hot stuff just because he's president, even though I am Queen of Everything. His wife The White Mama is just as serious and quiet as him. That damn Cecilia Amelia Fontelia Perez still tries to steal the spotlight from me, but she cannot, for I am Queen Mona of Everything. I felt bad for her being a nobody, so I tried to appoint her my royal court jester, but she ever so rudely declined. I may offer her a spot flying my fabulously royal plane. Or not. Dink still drives the tour bus...ahem..I mean Flex. He still drives Flex. Last but not least, there is Pickles. That wonderful little retard's band, Mother Rat Bone, is not as big as it used to be, but it is still a favorite here at the Rainbow Bridge. Then again, it's kind of the only band here. That lovely little Pickle has trimmed his long grungily blonde wig to a more appropriate shorter 'do that rests at his tiny rodential shoulders. Anyway, it is time for me to eat, I haven't for nearly seven minutes. 'Tis all for now.