I came across this
information about flashbacks that I’d forgotten I even had. I remember
‘researching’ how to deal with them when I was first overwhelmed by them. Some
of this stuff I’ve since learned as I went along. But most of this was sent to
me kindly by another survivor from a message board. I think it’s timely for me
to be typing it up and reviewing it, as once again I’m experiencing flashback
etc, and as we tend to do, panic instead of following these more helpful steps.
I hope some of this can help others. Thanks ‘Kate’ for you help with this.
Further down the page is a more concise version to follow, if you're new to this or finding it hard to concentrate.
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Let’s start by talking about flashbacks. As you know, they can come at any moment, and can be at a time when you don’t particularly want them. The only way that is effective in dealing with flashbacks is to face them and let them run their course. Try not to push them back or block them. They will only come back again and it will be worse and harder to deal with next time. This is not easy, I know. I have done this and it worked. Although I am ‘healed’ they still come. The memories will never go, but they are a lot easier to deal with now.
Plan what you are
going to do.
As you will know, flashbacks can occur at any moment. They can be triggered by something you read, or watched on TV, or heard on the radio etc., but they can also come for no apparent reason.
In order to be able to deal with them, you need to start by doing a little planning.
Trying to remain calm
– My Plan (the only plan that anyone I know can think of).
Remember that what you are feeling, seeing, hearing, maybe tasting or smelling, isn’t really happening at this moment. Tell yourself, and keep telling yourself that. Breathe deeply and slowly and hopefully you should have no problems remaining as calm as possible.
Creating a ‘safe
place’ – You need to plan this to suit you.
A ‘safe place’ is somewhere you can go, or think of, where you can lay down and feel very safe when the needs arise. It may be your bathroom, living room, kitchen, anywhere. It does not have to be anywhere in the house. It may be a place outdoors or an imaginary place. A place you can create yourself in your mind.
I find an imaginary beach scene a very safe place for me.
Planning your route
to your ‘safe place’.
Let’s say your safe place is outdoors or imaginary. The thing is you will want to get to that place and lay as comfortable as possible. If it is imaginary or will take a while to get there, ideally you need to go somewhere in the home, like your bedroom where you can lock the door or something so you *know* that no-one is going to be able to come in and attack you.
If you are in a public place and it may take you a while to get home or to your safe outdoor place, you may want to think of a way to deal with this situation in case this arises. It may sound daunting, but it is straight forward.
As you may not be able to, or you may feel uncomfortable laying where you are, go to the nearest place where you can sit down. It may not be your ideal safe place, but it is the safest place you can be. If you are driving, pull over where you can and turn off the engine and just remain there in the car with the seat leant back. Lock the doors if you feel you need to. Instead of being laid down, do the following in the most comfortable position you can.
From now on, you are safe. Just remind yourself of that if you need to. The rest of what I suggest may need practicing to get right, but myself and most people I know have found my way effective. Practice it as much as possible whilst you are free of flashbacks and hopefully you should have no problems. After a while you may not need to do this, and all you have to do is sit down and let it run.
Lay down, make yourself comfortable as possible and close your eyes. If you are not in your ‘safe place’ clear your mind as much as possible without blocking the flashbacks and picture yourself there.
What I do in the
‘safe place’.
Let the flashback run it’s course for as long as you can bear it. I don’t mean as soon as you feel upset, you need to feel the emotions coming out. That is why your brain and body is doing this to you. Give it as long as REALLY possible and see if it passes. It may pass quickly, or it may take a little longer. Once it has passed, you can either reflect on your flashback (explanation on what I mean later) or go through my relaxation technique first. If it doesn’t pass and you REALLY have had enough, go through my relaxation technique. Then reflect on what happened.
Relaxation Technique.
The parts marked at the beginning and end with a ***, adapt them to suit your safe place.
You may want to read this out onto a cassette tape or something as it may help you to do this better.
*** For this, let’s say your ‘safe place’ is the same as mine (an imaginary beach scene). If you have cassette tapes or CD’s of ocean waves, or dolphin/whale songs, you may like to play that whilst going through this routine. CD is brilliant, because you can set the player to automatically replay the same track when it is finished, but it is not essential. ***
Remain in your comfortable position with your eyes closed and tense all your muscles in your body as much as you can, scrunching your hands into tight fists and curling your toes as much as possible.
Hold them there for a moment and feel the tension.
Slowly release your muscles one by one from head to toe, feeling your muscles relax and your body becoming very floppy.
*** If like mine, your safe place is a beach, (mine is imaginary, so I would have to imagine the following), remain floppy and relaxed and listen to the CD or cassette if you have it playing. Feel the sun beating on you, warming you up. Smell the salt in the air from the waves coming in. ***
Just keep the image and any associated sounds, tastes, smells and feelings running through you for a while and remain relaxed for a few minutes.
Reflecting on our
Flashbacks and what happened.
You have just done something which takes a lot of strength which I know you have, or you would not be here reading this. You are fed up with these flashbacks and you hate them. You want to be able to deal with them, and you are determined not to let them beat you. It is not a quick fix to these flashbacks. You will get more flashbacks, but you know what to expect now and how to deal with it. It MAY get harder sometimes than other times, but that can be expected. In my experience and my belief is that the flashbacks come in chunks because it is easier to handle than all at once. The first series of flashbacks prepare you for the next series and so on. In the end, you will remember, if you haven’t already, all that happened to you, and you will not have any new flashbacks, just the same old ones. Remember though that they will become easier to deal with. You dealt with them once, and you will deal with them again.
If you ended up bailing out by relaxing because it became too much, don’t worry about it. You still have a lot of strength in you which you showed by having a good go at what I have suggested. Keep trying for a good while. As I say, things tend to improve when you have practiced and tried a fair few times. If you are unlucky to find things are not improving, then you need to go back to the drawing board and work another way out.
Above all, please try not to let the flashbacks beat you.
What have the
Flashbacks told you?
This is what you need to ask yourself now. You may want to keep a journal of all your flashbacks and list these questions and your answers.
What did you see?
What did you hear?
What was your feeling?
What did you smell?
What was happening? (Who was doing what?)
You may feel that you should have been able to stop what was happening, but could you REALLY have stopped it?
Was anything said as to what would have happened if you stopped it?
Was anything said as to what would have happened if you told anyone?
Put as much detail in there as you can, because then you may be able to link them up and build the full story. Safely read through EVERYTHING you have written about your flashbacks. You may pick something up through your notes now which you didn’t when you were being abused. You’ll know what I mean when you do. You probably missed it through having to deal with the situation at the time.
Don’t try and force your mind to recall what happened. It will give you more, if there is more, when it is time to. Let your mind control how much you are told, then what you have experienced in your flashbacks are not your imagination. How can you imagine yourself being abused by someone who never harmed you at all? Always remember above everything else, that NOTHING that happened was your fault. Abuse is always the abusers fault, not the other way round.
Grounding Techniques
NB – a good thing to do is be aware of any triggers, make a list and discuss with therapist of ways to desensitize these or manage these.
A TO Z OF STRESS MANAGEMENT
Always take time for yourself, at least 30 minutes per day
Be aware of your own stress meter: know when to step back
and cool down
Concentrate on controlling your own situation, without
controlling everybody else
Daily exercise will burn off the stress chemicals
Eat lots of fresh fruit, vegies, bread and water, give
your body the best to perform at its
best
Forgive others, don’t hold grudges and be tolerant – not
everyone is as capable as you
Gain perspective on things, how important is the issue?
Hugs and kisses and laughter, have fun and don’t be afraid
to share your feelings with
others
Identify stressors and plan to deal with them better next
time
Judge your own performance realistically, don’t set goals
out of your own reach
Keep a positive attitude, your outlook will influence
outcomes and the way others treat
you
Limit alcohol, drugs and other stimulants, they affect
your perception and behaviour
Manage money well, seek advice and save at least 10% of
what you earn
No is a word you need to learn to use without feeling
guilty
Outdoor activities by yourself, or with friends and family
can be a great way to relax
Play your favourite music rather than watching TV
Relationships, nurture and enjoy them, learn to listen
more and talk less
Sleep well, with a firm mattress and supportive pillow,
don’t overheat yourself and allow
plenty of ventilation
Treat yourself once a week with a massage, dinner out, the
movies, moderation is the key
Understand things from the other person’s point of view
Verify information from the source before exploding
Worry less, it really does not get things completed better
or quicker
Xanadu, regularly retreat to your favourite space
regularly, make holidays a part of your
yearly plan and budget
Yearly goal setting, plan what you want to achieve based
on your priorities in your career,
relationships etc
Zest for life, each day is a gift, smile and be thankful that
you are a part of the bigger
picture
Think of yourself as a beautiful
house, lovely outside and in. The house is a place of joy and comfort – a
secure place from which you explore the world. Around the house is a sturdy
fence with a gate. You also have strong doors and windows. You can open the
doors and gates to invite in welcomed guests – neighbours, friends and family.
You keep them closed to keep out danger. Trauma blew open your doors and burst
into your house. It may have convinced you that you are powerless to close the
doors. Perhaps the door has remained open and danger has walked in too often.
Or you may have locked the door so tightly that no one can get in anymore.
Perhaps you no longer open the windows, so stale air remains trapped and no
light and fresh air can enter. Maybe you have stopped beautifying the inside of
your home and your health is declining because you stay so confined.
Your boundaries are like doors,
gates and windows. Healing occurs as you learn to put into place very strong,
secure boundaries. These boundaries allow you to feel safe. They open and close
at your choosing. You are in control. You will learn to keep out dangerous
people, and you will again invite in safe people to enjoy. You will choose when
to open your windows to express feelings that need to be confided/shared, and
permit the light of friendship, love and healing ideas to enter.
Building strong boundaries also
means that you know what you are responsible for – you do not assume
responsibility when you are not responsible. You can see clearly that you are
responsible for your house and all that is in it (sometimes you need to call in
the plumber for help). You will probably choose to assist your neighbours
because that makes the neighbourhood nicer, but you realise that they are
responsible for their own houses. You can’t personally fix all the houses in
the neighbourhood. The best you can do is bring your tools and offer to help.
You will beautify and take care
of your own house, at a pace that is right for you. You will never berate
yourself because your house is unique or because yours has not progressed as
far as someone else’s. In this way you enjoy your house.
Boundaries give
us a feeling of inner strength. Ultimately they enable us to enjoy ourselves
and the world. They empower us to love and relate to others better.
Children
learn what they live
If a
child lives with CRITICISM
They
learn to CONDEMN
If a
child lives with HOSTILITY
They
learn to FIGHT
If a
child lives with RIDICULE
They
learn to be SHY
If a
child lives with SHAME
They
learn to feel GUILTY
If a
child lives with TOLERANCE
They
learn to be PATIENT
If a
child lives with ENCOURAGEMENT
They
learn CONFIDENCE
If a
child lives with PRAISE
They
learn to APPRECIATE
If a
child lives with FAIRNESS
They
learn JUSTICE
If a
child lives with SECURITY
They
learn to have FAITH
If a
child lives with APPROVAL
They
learn to like THEMSELVES
If a
child lives with ACCEPTANCE & FRIENDSHIP
They
learn to find LOVE in the WORLD
Insanity
is ….
doing things the
way you've always
done them, but
expecting different results.
How
to Love Yourself
1. Stop
all criticism: Criticism never changes a thing. Refuse to criticise
yourself. Accept yourself exactly as you are. Everybody
changes. When you criticise yourself, your changes are negative.
When you approve of yourself, your changes are positive.
2. Don't
scare yourself: Stop terrorising yourself with your thoughts. It's
a dreadful way to live. Find a mental image that gives you pleasure
(mine is yellow roses), and immediately switch your scary thought to a pleasure
thought.
3. Be
gentle and kind and patient: Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to
yourself. Be patient with yourself as you learn the new ways of
thinking. Treat yourself as you would someone you really loved.
4. Be
kind to your mind: Self-hatred is only hating your own thoughts.
Don't hate yourself for having the thoughts. Gently change the thoughts.
5.
Praise yourself: Criticism breaks the inner spirit. Praise builds
it up. Praise yourself as much as you can. Tell yourself how well
you are doing with every little thing.
6.
Support yourself: Find ways to support yourself. Reach out to
friends, and allow them to help you. It is being strong to ask for help
when you need it.
7. Be
loving to your negatives: Acknowledge that you created them to fulfil a
need. Now you are finding new, positive ways to fulfil those needs.
So. lovingly release the old negative patterns.
8. Take
care of your body: Learn about nutrition. What kind of fuel does
your body need to have optimum energy and vitality? Learn about
exercise. What kind of exercise can you enjoy? Cherish and revere
the temple you live in.
9.
Mirror work: Look into your own eyes often. Express this growing
sense of love you have for yourself. Forgive yourself looking into the
mirror. Talk to your parents looking into the mirror. Forgive them,
too. At least once a day, say: "I love you, I really love you!"
10. LOVE
YOURSELF - DO IT NOW! Don't wait until you get well or lose the weight,
or get the new job, or the new relationship. Begin NOW - do the best you
can.
Self-Soothing Technique
Self-soothing
or grounding can help you to take your mind off the things you are worrying
about and make you aware of things in your environment that can help your body
to relax and make you feel safe. The more you practice it, the better you will
get.
Say 5 things
you can SEE around you
Say 5 things
you can HEAR around you
Say 5 things you can FEEL in your body
The
Survival Kit
Ways
to do More
&
Worry Less!
1.
Recognise
your strengths, they are easily forgotten. Find out
what you are good at, and do it more.
2.
Accept
your weaknesses, we all have them. Find
out what you are not good at, and do it less.
3.
Define
your limits to time, interest and commitment. Draw
boundaries which can be moved if you choose to move them.
4.
Find
and use support you need from work, home and friends.
Don't be afraid to ask for support.
5.
Manage
your time effectively. Remember the Golden
Rules - Do it, Delay it, Dissect it, Delegate it or Dump it.
6.
Expect
a Miracle. We will always underachieve if we
don't use a model that matches a successful outcome. If you expect to fail, you
probably will fail.
7.
Define
the problem before tackling it. Ask yourself
"Do I own the problem?" If the answer is 'No' then pass it on or
learn to live with it. If the answer is 'Yes', then you have a commitment, but
you don't have to do the work yourself. Remember that every problem has a gift.
Find the gift and you solve the problem.
8.
Be
creative, explore ways that might work. Don't
close yourself off to the possibilities.
9.
Take
care of yourself and take responsibility for your own
well-being. Learn to listen to your body signals. Enrich yourself on the
physical, emotional and spiritual plains.
10. Enjoy yourself. If
you are not doing this then you are not doing it the best way.
Some days we just get stuck & bogged down.
Some days all you can do is smile & wait for someone to kindly
remove your butt from the hole you find it wedged in!
Daily Survival Kit
Items Needed:
Toothpick, Rubber Band, Band Aid, Pencil, Eraser,
Chewing Gum, Mint, Candy Kiss, Tea Bag.
Why?
TOOTHPICK
To remind you to pick out the good qualities in others.
RUBBER BAND
To remind you to be flexible, things might not always go the way you want, but it will work out.
BAND AID
To remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else's.
PENCIL
To remind you to list your blessings everyday.
ERASER
To remind you that everyone makes mistakes, and it's OK.
CHEWING GUM
To remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything.
MINT
To remind you that you are worth a mint!
CANDY KISS
To
remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug everyday.
TEA BAG
To remind you to relax daily and go over that list of blessings.
Breathing
Exercises/Relaxation Techniques
These should be rehearsed at least three times a day (perhaps first thing in the morning, middle of the day and before going to sleep at night), for at least three minutes on each occasion, until the technique is mastered. This may take several weeks.
To start the exercise, quietly hold your breath for six seconds then breathe out 'normally'. From there begin the cycle described below.
Breathe in 'normally' (not too deep or too quickly) for three seconds. Breathe out slowly and steadily for three seconds and as you do, think of the word 'relax' and try to fill your thoughts with pleasant and peaceful things.
As you can see, it takes a full six seconds to go from the beginning of one breath to the beginning of the next. Continue that six second cycle for at least three minutes.
The secret of success is to practise this technique regularly, even if you are feeling well. As you practise you are teaching yourself how to relax and 'unwind', ultimately preparing yourself to deal with future episodes of anxiety or panic - if they were to occur.
Practising this breathing exercise in a neutral situation is obviously different from being in the middle of an acute episode of anxiety. In that situation you may need to persist with this exercise for a considerable period of time - until you feel yourself settling.
As you work on the breathing try not to focus on your physical symptoms or to ruminate/think about how 'terrible' you may be feeling. Try not to dwell on what has happened to precipitate this predicament - unless you feel that you can be constructive. At that particular moment it may be more sensible to bide your time, to try and distract yourself and think of pleasant thoughts.
50 “Fun” Coping
Strategies
1. Exercise regularly. Even a short walk each day can help. The more activity you do the healthier you will be. The healthier you are the better you will sleep and feel.
2. Eat a balanced diet. As with exercise, a healthy diet will help you achieve a healthy life. In particular, avoid heavy meals late at night.
3. Minimise caffeine intake (and ideally avoid after about 4.00 p.m.). As well as coffee, this includes tea, most soft drinks and chocolate.
4. Avoid excessive alcohol. Although most people find alcohol helps them cope with stress in the short-term, it can cause problems in the longerterm.
5. Make sleep a priority in your life (see “The Good Sleep Guide”). Good sleep leads to a good and healthy life.
6. Address other issues in your life. If you have problems at work, problems with your partner, or anything that might cause you to feel stressed or worried, sorting them out will be of great benefit. If you are depressed or anxious, seek professional help. Remember, there are effective solutions for these problems.
1. Tell yourself you are having a flashback and that this is okay and very normal in people who were traumatised as children (or as adults).
2. Remind yourself that the worst is over - it happened in the past, but it is not happening now. The ‘child’ inside you who was abused is giving you these memories to use in your healing and, however terrible you feel, you survived the awfulness then, which means you can survive and get through what you are remembering now.
3. Call on the ‘adult’ part of yourself to tell your ‘child’ that she is not alone, not in any danger now and that you will help her to get through this. Let your child self know it’s okay to remember and to feel what she feels and that this will help her in healing from what has happened to her. However hard it is for you, she is communicating in the only way she can.
4. Try some of these ways of ‘grounding’ yourself and becoming more aware of the present:
· stamp your feet, grind them around on the floor to remind yourself where you are now
· look around the room, noticing the colours, the people, the shapes of things
· listen to the sounds around you: the traffic, voices, the washing machine, etc.
· feel your body, the boundary of your skin, your clothes, the chair or floor supporting you
· have an elastic band to hand - you can ‘ping’ it against your wrist and feel it on your skin
· tell yourself that feeling is in the now, the things you are reexperiencing were in the past
5. Take care of your breathing: breathe deeply down to your diaphragm; put your hand there (just above your navel) and breathe so that your hand gets pushed up and down. Count slowly to 5 as you breathe. When we get scared we breathe too quickly and shallowly and our body panics. This causes dizziness, shakiness and more panic. Breathing slowly and deeply will stop the panic.
6. If you have lost a sense of where you end and the rest of the world begins, rub your body so you can feel its edges, the boundary of you. Wrap yourself in a blanket, feel it round you.
7. Get support if you would like it. Let people close to you know about flashbacks so they can help if you want them to. That might mean holding you, talking to you, helping you to reconnect with the present, to remember you are safe and cared for now.
8. Flashbacks are powerful experiences which drain your energy. Take time to look after yourself when you have had a flashback. You could have a warm, relaxing bath or a sleep, a warm drink, play some soothing music or just take some quiet time for yourself. Your ‘child’ and you deserve being taken care of, given all you went through in the past.
9. When you feel ready, write down all you can remember about the flashback and how you got through it. This will help you to remember information for your healing and to remind you that you did get through it (and can again).
10. Remember you are not crazy - flashbacks are normal and you are healing.
What’s going on here?
Be as specific, realistic and as clear as possible.
Break down big problems into smaller ones.
Generate as many possible solutions as you can think of.
Do not evaluate them yet.
Let your imagination run wild.
Examine the advantages and disadvantages (pros and cons) of each possible solution.
Choose one that you think will work best for you.
