This was written on 30th July 2000. I've since progressed a long way, and many things in this entry are no longer true. I have a fair way to go yet, but as of early 2003, I enjoy a pretty full and happy life.
I used to wonder what was wrong with me. With my life. Why I didn't feel like other people about all sorts of things in life. Not that you ever know how others feel, but I still knew I felt different - I was different. I used to think or pretend I was adopted or I had a serious illness. I mean, that would explain it, wouldn't it? When I say I felt different, sometimes I didn't feel anything at all. Unless you count waves of anger, lot's of anger. Well it came out as anger, felt like anger, but was far more than anger I guess. It's strange, but I think I forgot about the actual abuse for a while, well kind of. Maybe it was so typical and normal a part of my life, that I didn't register it. Or think that it was what made me feel differently from everyone else. Or that it was the cause of great trauma and harm to me - that it would and has affected me and my life so much. Still today. I am still left feeling confused about it - believing it didn't happen, but must have happened, but didn't happen and so on. That I am bad for thinking it did - thinking that about a man who can no longer defend himself because he's dead. And he died from suicide, meaning he was in a lot of pain before his death, so how could he have done this to me? After all, I know the pain that leads you to attempt suicide.
How does it still affect my life? In obvious ways, little ways, strange ways, ways I don't probably even recognise, silly/irrational ways.
Like this past weekend, I couldn't have/ wouldn't have/didn't want to have a foot massage from my sister-in-law. Why? My body and people touching it, any part of it, makes me seriously uncomfortable to the stage of panic. Body and touching - physical contact, however innocent or potentially nice or fun or whatever. That's one kind of odd and obscure affect.
Other affects in my life? Relationships with my family are strained or superficial or conditional. It's hard to repair that.
Sometimes I feel lonely too. Unloved. It is really easy for me to feel unloved. Like nobody wants me, to be around me or needs me for anything. I often feel totally useless, hopeless. I don't have much of an opinion of myself a lot of the time. I really don't have any confidence in me, my abilities, anything. I don't know if I'd have been this way without having been abused. I will never know that. But maybe if I had felt more stable, settled, safe and loved throughout childhood, then I'd have felt better about myself and not have the associated problems of low "self esteem". Like the depression, the anxiety, the worry, the panic attacks, the striving for perfection and approval, suicidal feelings/attempts, self harm, eating problems etc etc. Much of this has interfered with my employment history. Makes me feel even more the failure. People worse off work...I can't, I am scared and can't cope.
And then the simple things like eating that most others don't even think much about. I never enjoy a snack, a meal, a mouth full of food, ever. Always thinking of it's effect on my weight. I am either underweight, normal weight but bulimic or overweight. I am underweight to be unattractive to men and overweight to be unattractive to men. Yet I hate it, being so gross - I hate me - I disgust myself. I can't stand to look at myself, my face, and I don't know how others can either.
As for relationships with men. It terrifies me, mostly because it inevitably means sex. Sex terrifies me. My experiences with "adult sex" was just as bad as my "child sex" experiences. Even though I don't want sex and relationships, I have been robbed of this, of relationships, marriage and children too. I believe, so people tell me, that all of these are beautiful parts of life. But they are all 'not there' for me. I love children, but I won't be having any of my own. I am also scared to be with children too much alone, in case I turn out like him and hurt them. Even if children were a possibility, this would probably stop me having them anyway.
I have a few friends now, kind of I suppose. But not really. I've never really had close friends either. It was always "best" I didn't have friends home to play as a child, so I was available if he wanted me. So I never really had friends, or have them now. I guess I prefer being on my own anyway. It's simpler, less pressure etc. But once again, I hear of the joys of friendship, and I have been destined to miss that in life.
This sounds dumb and greedy, but because I have the psychological problems I have, severe enough to prevent me being fully employed, it means I have barely any money. Besides luxuries that everyone loves to have, essentials are beyond my reach. I live at home at nearly 29 years of age, albeit fairly independently. I can't buy a house of my own, go on holidays or weekends away, and that doesn't look set to change anytime soon.
The uncertainty, the fear, it has permeated all aspects of my life.
Emotions. I know many people are confused in this area. But I don't even know if I have ever really felt happy. Emotionally, I am totally confused, don't feel what I should, don't know what I am feeling and put up 'blocks' to stop anyone getting close. So they can't hurt me ever again. Emotionally retarded I guess.
What about being scared of the dark or the wind or of being in the house alone, like a child would be. He can sneak up on me, in the dark. The wind covers his footsteps. And like right now, as I am writing this, it's late at night and I am SO terrified of what writing and thinking and sharing all this will make him do to me. Kind of. Like his presence being even stronger and scarier that usual. I am just plain scared. Sometimes basically terrified.
I am afraid to love anyone too much - family, my dogs. Then I won't hurt as badly if they are taken away. There was always the threat on my family's lives when I was a child, he killed one of our dogs, maybe it could still happen? Or it's habit?
My life is limited a lot. I want to live in my world, on my terms, do what I want, relax, have no pressure etc. I don't want to participate in life much at all really. Stay in my safe(ish) world. It wasn't safe when I was a child and I want to make up for that now, kind of. Don't know what I am trying to say here really.
I feel sad that I had my childhood
robbed. My sense of fun, freedom. My innocence stolen. My security
stripped. All that makes me and my life feel so wobbly, unsteady,
uncertain etc.
Terror of the Nights
I used to suffer intense fear mostly at nights, but also on windy
or cloudy days. Even though my abuser is dead, this was very real for
me and absolutely terrifying. It felt as if he was still after me and
could get me. I could really feel his presence and believed I could
still be harmed by him from beyond the grave.
Sometimes it involves panic, but only when I get terribly terrified and
I can't cope any longer and I flee. Basically it's terror like I've
never known before. I tend to freeze with fear or flee with panic/fear.
I cannot actually see him, but I can feel his presence. Like he's
there, waiting to pounce. I don't know what he'd actually do to me if
he did 'pounce', but I definitely don't want to find out. I know it
seems irrational and silly, but at the time, it is definitely not silly
to me - it's very real. It happens to me at nights with either the
light on, but more intense with the light off, also on "dark-type" days
and on windy days it's very bad. It only happens in the day time when I
am alone in the house. I occasionally have nightmares too that I cannot
wake myself up from. I feel him on top of me and I can't move.
When going to sleep and I turn out the light, I must cover myself up with the doona. To be safe. Have a layer between me and him. I have to hold tight to the doona so it can't be ripped off me. I always face out into my room to sleep, with my back right up against the wall. There are no surprises then. I can see everything that is happening. I put a pillow in front of me as well, to feel safer, an extra barrier. Summer or winter I have to sleep with covers over me to feel safe enough to sleep. Any noises or 'breezes' terrify me. I don't move once the light is off. If I don't move, maybe he'll pass by this time. I tend to hold my breath or try to breathe nice and slowly and quietly, so he might not know I am aware of him or worried about him. If I don't make a noise, he also can't hear/see me and might go away and leave me alone this time.
If I have to go out of my room to use the bathroom or something at night, it is really terrifying. There are heaps of hiding places, dark spots and shadows for him to hide and pounce. When I leave my room I have to kind of keep my back to the walls, so I can see if he is in the shadows or around the corner - so he can't sneak up on me and surprise attack me. I "flee" to the bathroom (or wherever) and back to my bedroom, close the door and dive under the doona. Safe again, kind of. Safer than out there. My heart is always pounding and I freeze up with fear and relief then.
Similar things happen if I'm home alone on windy days, or days that are darkish. He can follow me around - he's always there. Always. I've got to always be aware, alert, prepared. I've got to be ready to fight him off - from around that corner or wherever. I can't ever relax or let my guard down. The worst is not being able to actually see him. He's got the power, the surprise factor.
I just feel he's always there. Like he can get me. Tormenting me because I've told our secret. I'm just really, really terrified.
Written: 12th July 2006
I
have many different parts of my self. Different selves even, with their own
characteristics, their own memories, their own feelings. I am not a multiple
personality, but to cope, my mind fragmented or split and sometimes remained at
certain emotional stages. I believe I
have all the memories these parts possess, but I do not have all the feelings.
I often dont feel emotions at the same time current events happen. Sometimes,
but rarely. I know intellectually what I should feel and can act appropriately.
But this lack of integration, lack of appropriate feelings, leaves me feeling
empty, lonely and often grief stricken. I often experience emotions to the
extreme, that are unrelated to the present. Intense fear, feeling unsafe,
despair, out of control, even suicidal. These I know are from events of the past,
but intrude heavily into my present life, making life very difficult to sort
out and live for me. I need to integrate these fragmented memories and emotions
and be able to experience life in the present. The legacy of childhood sexual
abuse and sexual assaults is vast and creates absolute havoc in the lives of
survivors. But I am determined to get back what was my birthright and live life
as fully as Im allowed.
Written: 15th July 2006
The
words sexual abuse are really just words. They dont describe the damage it
does to a person, the impact it has continually, despite a level of healing, on
someones life. The invisible wounds are deep. Deep to the soul, the psyche of
a person.
I
live a strange existence. I have this adult body that appears to the rest of
the world. So the world treats me as an adult and has expectations of me as an
adult. It judges me as an adult far more harshly than they would judge a child.
But inside me, emotionally and spiritually, I am more child than adult. I
struggle every day to be that adult the world sees and expects. I react to
things and cope the way a child that has been hurt maladaptively copes with the
world. In my head I know part of the way to act, but matching that to my heart,
my emotions, my spirit, is extremely difficult. Hence it can be quite a scary,
lonely and empty place to live, with my mind continually racing, always
planning, me on hyper-alert, trying to cope with things and pre-empt things, so
no-one will guess the truth. I am not who they see.
My
tears are buried deep inside me. They crave freedom, yearn release, but are
lost deep within, wreaking havoc in various ways. Nausea, physical pain,
anxiety, deep depressions, despair, reducing my ability to cope with daily
life, deep-seated grief and constant simmering anger and bitterness.
Written: 18th July 2006
I
was wondering why recently Ive let go of a lot of guilt, shame and
self-loathing. I know losing the excess weight has begun to reveal to me my
true self, as precious and amazing as that is. Maybe this has helped me love
myself more. But I think a lot of it is that it had gotten too tiring to carry
the load anymore and I was able to shed this burden.
My
energy levels are so low lately and Ive been experiencing physical symptoms
indicating illness. But all the past memories and current strains of takers
as friends, along with trying hard to balance life and cope on a daily basis,
is emotionally draining me and revealing itself in my body. I do this cycle
constantly. Go along hanging on by my fingernails doing the best I can and
unable to change the way I cope, until I get so drained and ill I have to back
away from life altogether to regain my energy to go on. I wish I didnt do this
but I dont as yet know any other way to be. So frustrating and so tiring.
There
is part of me that is desperate to be taken care of, yet I wont let people
close enough to do that. Do I get this care through professional concern in
counseling? Always with more sad and sordid stories to tell?
I
want more from friendships than I get. Yet dont know how to give of myself, be
myself. That self is so very small, hurt and vulnerable and is afraid to come
out. Yet desperately needs to to allow healing and forward movement.
The
friendships I have are mostly so unhealthy and limited, yet to have none at all would
be worse.
I
am so lonely.
I
feel so scared all the time, unsafe, out of control and am just barely hanging
on by my fingernails right now.
I
wouldnt be who I am today without my past. The same could be said for everyone
I suppose. Yet I mean I appreciate little things in life, love nature, am
non-judgmental, enlightened, know myself very well, am strong, determine and
loyal. Good qualities. Things people never achieve sometimes. I wonder if
discovering these things is the meaning of life and achieved for me through
tremendous hardships. On the flip side
The
past week I think I ate more than I should and even now after months of no
problems at all, I am thinking of eating, overeating, again. I guess to make
everything go away that is coming up more and more every day. I want to deal
with it, but how? I need help to do it, but there is none. Just have to press
on. Will I ever heal?
Written: 5th August 2006
I
know as part of healing and of being a whole person that I have to give to
myself the things I didnt get as a child or that I dont get from other people
now. But what I need and want most right now is for someone to hold me, hug me,
touch me gently, safely and lovingly. How do I do that for myself? How?
Written: 6th August 2006
I
need to write about the inner black cloud that makes me bad, that makes me
hurt, that has always been there, put there by evil people and adults that mistreated me, and what threatens to overtake
me.
The
love my abuser dished out was like sunshine to me. Even today, any semblance of
liking, loving or kindness engages this reaction in me, not always leading me
to make healthy relationship choices.
Make a free website at Freewebs.com