About sexual abuse
What is sexual abuse?
Sexual abuse is any sexual experience which is imposed on another. It can take many forms.
Usually sexual abuse involves obvious things like fondling, sexual kissing, oral sex or rape. Sometimes it is less obvious, such as when an adult shows a child pornography, ‘talks dirty’, or deliberately shows their sexual parts to a child for their own sexual pleasure. Some adults get excitement by watching a child undressing or by holding the child on their lap and rubbing against them.
Often sexual abuse is disguised as a game, as part of bathing or hygiene, or as affection. This can be confusing for both children and adults. But kissing, hugging, holding and stroking your child to show affection or give comfort is not sexual abuse. Touching, bathing and playing are some of the things children need from adults. What makes sexual abuse different is that it is not done to meet the child’s needs, but to excite and gratify the adult.
Sometimes adults argue that children enjoy sexual contact and so there is nothing wrong with it. But even if a child’s body responds to sexual touching, it does not mean the child wanted the abuse. Children naturally seek affection and attention, and if this is wrapped up with abuse they may ‘go back for more’. But children and young people cannot truly agree to sex with adults. They do not have the emotional maturity to choose to have sex, or to cope with it. The adult is always responsible for the abuse.
How common is sexual abuse?
Sexual abuse is far more common than most people think. It is thought that up to one in three people have had some sexual contact imposed on them by the time they are 18.
Most abuse is carried out by adults who are known and trusted by the child. These can be family members, neighbours, playleaders, teachers, and so on. Sometimes children are abused by strangers. Most sexual abuse is carried out by men, but women and older children sometimes abuse too. All sorts of people may abuse children, including ‘normal’ and ‘respectable’ members of the community.
We have only recently realised how common sexual abuse is. Many children have been abused for years without anyone knowing and helping them.
Why don’t children tell?
Often children are afraid to tell anyone that they are being abused.Perhaps they have been told that what is happening is normal and okay. They may have been told it is a ‘special secret’. They may feel great loyalty to a person they love who is abusing them. Or that person may Some children are threatened, or told that the abuse is their fault and they will be punished if it is found out. Often children cope by putting the abuse out of their minds. Some people completely forget having been abused until something in their adult life reminds them of it. Children can be very good at keeping the secret, and there is often little outward sign that there is anything wrong. Adults can help children by making sure they know it’s okay to talk about things which are frightening them or making them unhappy. They can also sensitively teach children about when touching is okay and not okay, and about good and bad secrets. In the same way that they learn about the dangers of roads, water, fire and so on, children can learn this sort of thing without needing to be upset and frightened. carry a lot of authority in their life.
How does sexual abuse affect people?
When a child is sexually abused they are having something very damaging done to them. If the abuse is discovered and stopped, and the child is supported, she or he may get over the experience quite quickly. But for many children sexual abuse is devastating. It steals their security, their trust in other people and their self-esteem. It can also set up many problems for them in later life.
Many adults who were abused as children suffer from a whole range of problems. This is not because there is something ‘wrong’ with them. Because they have suffered a trauma, it is quite natural that this should affect them. Sometimes sexual abuse leaves adults with lasting anxiety, panic attacks, nightmares and fears. Some people suffer terrifying experiences such as ‘flashbacks’ (reliving some of a traumatic event). For some, sexual abuse leaves them with shame, self-hatred and depression. The betrayal of trust they suffered as a child may make it hard for them to feel safe and easy in relationships as an adult. Some people cope with the painful feelings by overuse of drink or drugs. Others may overeat or starve themselves, or hurt their own bodies to express the terrible pain and confusion they feel.
The effects of child
abuse
Abuse can have a devastating effect on people's lives, not just while they are being abused, but for years afterwards.
The physical effects of abuse, unless an attack has been extremely violent, will usually disappear with time. The emotional turmoil can last much longer.
The effects of abuse will be different in each situation. Children may be confused about what is happening and why, particularly if someone they have loved and trusted seems suddenly to have turned against them. They may feel that nobody can be trusted. They might become violent when they play. Children who are sexually abused often become obsessed about their bodies and may become sexually aggressive towards other children.
Although it is only the abuser who is at fault, many young people who are being abused feel guilty or 'dirty', as if they are doing something wrong. It is important that everyone is aware of how damaging child abuse can be, and learns to understand some of the ways in which young people might express their feelings. Children need to know that there are people they can talk to, and who will believe them.
Young people who are being abused may try to avoid other people as much as possible. They might not want to join in with their friends.
Child abuse damages a person's feelings of self worth. Abuse can make a young person believe that they do not deserve to be loved. They may begin to hate themselves, and to feel that they should be punished, even though they have done nothing wrong. Children who have been abused may deliberately hurt themselves because they feel so desperate. Some have even tried to kill themselves because the feelings of despair can seem so overwhelming.
The effects of abuse are not always obvious. People may hide the truth about their feelings for a long time. A young person may try to find other ways of coping with his or her feelings of confusion and anger.
Some young people develop strategies for coping with the abuse. They might switch off from it, burying emotions which are too painful to face. Or they may even seem to invite the abuse sometimes, preferring that to the constant worry and fear about when, and if, it is going to happen.
Young people may become moody or withdrawn. They may lose interest in their appearance and their school work. Or they may express themselves through violent pictures and aggressive behaviour. Sometimes, young people who are being abused will try to attract the attention of other adults by hurting themselves. They want somebody to notice that something is wrong, but are frightened of saying anything.
What can help?
Although childhood sexual abuse can be devastating, it is possible to get over its effects. Many people say that the most important thing in helping them to do this has been to talk about what has happened to them. Talking to others breaks the secrecy and helps to let out the hurt and shame.
Friends, family and partners can be very supportive
helpers. If someone you know tells you they have been sexually abused, you can
help by listening, believing them, and showing you take seriously the pain they
have suffered. You may also need to reassure them that you do not blame them or
feel disgusted about what happened to them as a child. Some people find it helpful to talk to a
counsellor, or to share support in a group with others who have had similar
experiences. You can find out about the help there is by ringing a helpline.
Most areas now have Rape Crisis helplines, which are for people abused as
children as well as in adult life.
THE STAGES OF HEALING
The decision to Heal. Once you recognise the effects of sexual abuse in your life, you need to make an active commitment to heal. Deep healing happens only when you choose it and are willing change yourself.
The Emergency Stage. Beginning to deal with memories and suppressed feelings can throw your life into utter turmoil. Remember, this is only a stage. It won’t last forever.
Remembering. Many survivors suppress all memories of what happened to them as children. Those who do not forget the actual incidents often forget how it felt at the time. Remembering is the process of getting back both memory and feeling.
Believing it Happened. Survivors often doubt their own perceptions. Coming to believe that the abuse really happened, and that it really hurt you, is a vital part of the healing process.
Breaking Silence. Most adult survivors kept the abuse a secret in childhood. Telling another human being about what happened to you is a powerful healing force that can dispel the shame of being a victim.
Understanding that it wasn’t your Fault. Children usually believe the abuse is their fault. Adult survivors must place the blame where it belongs – directly on the shoulders of the abusers.
Making contact with the Child Within. Many survivors have lost touch with their own vulnerability. Getting in touch with the child within can help you feel compassion for yourself, more anger at your abuser, and greater intimacy with others.
Trusting Yourself. The best guide for healing is your own inner voice. Learning to trust your own perceptions, feelings and intuitions, forms a new basis for action in the world.
Grieving and Mourning. As children being abused, and later as adults struggling to survive, most survivors haven’t felt their losses. Grieving is a way to honour your pain, let go and move into the present.
Anger – the Backbone of Healing. Anger is a powerful and liberating force. Whether you need to get in touch with it or have always had plenty to spare, directing your rage squarely at your abuser and at those who didn’t protect you, is pivotal to healing.
Disclosure and Confrontations. Directly confronting your abuser and/or your family is not for every survivor, but it can be a dramatic, cleansing tool.
Forgiveness? Forgiveness of the abuser is not an essential part of the healing process, although it tends to be the one most recommended. The only essential forgiveness is for yourself.
Spirituality. Having a sense of a power greater than yourself can be a real asset in the healing process. Spirituality is a uniquely personal experience. You might find it through traditional religion, meditation, nature or your support group.
Resolution and Moving On. As you move through these stages again and again, you will reach a point of integration. Your feelings and perspectives will stabilise. You will come to terms with your abuser and other family members. While you won’t erase your history, you will make deep and lasting changes in your life. Having gained awareness, compassion and power through healing, you will have the opportunity to work toward a better world.
NSW Rape
Crisis Centre
Ph: 1800 424 017
Domestic
Violence Advocacy Service
Ph: 1800 810 784
Sexual
Assault Services
Local sexual assault services are listed in the white pages or contact
your hospital or community health centre for details.
Witness
Assistance Service
(Part of the Office of the Director of Public Prosecutions)
Ph: 1800 814 534
Victims
of Crime Bureau
Ph: 1800 633 063
Women’s
Legal Resources Centre
Ph; 1800 801 501
Indigenous
Women’s Contact Line
c/- Women’s Legal Resources Centre
Ph: 180 639 784
NSW
Police Service Customer Assistance Unit
Ph: 1800 622 571
Women’s
Information and Referral Service
The Women’s Information and Referral Service is a free and confidential
telephone service, with information and contact details on hundreds of
organizations and services for women.
Ph: 1800 817 227
Lifeline
Ph: 13 11 14
Dympna
House
Ph: 1800 654 119
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