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Rant Number: 17271
When: November 24, 2001
What kind: Hey, did you see this?
Where: On TV
There's a great commercial running for Fox NFL Sunday with Warren Sapp of the Tampa Bay Buccanneers. Warren's sitting on an airplane, and a particularly ugly sprog is kicking the back of Warren's seat as sprogs are wont to do. Warren, who basically looks like every white man's nightmare, gives the sprog the Death Glare, but the sprog continues to kick away. Suddenly the Fox NFL Sunday quartet appears in guardian angel form in front of Warren, and Howie Long solemnly intones, "Kickers--you know what you need to do with them."

The next shot shows the flight attendant frowning at the overhead bin, where muffled cries are heard. The sprog's seat is empty, and Warren's relaxing with his eyes closed and and a big grin on his face.

Damn, if only you could do that and get away with it ... !

Rant Number: 17282
When: Nov. 25, 2001
What kind: Hey, did you see this?
Where: Tucson, Ariz.
Saw an awesome bumper sticker while vacationing in Arizona this past week: "I think; therefore, I'm childfree."

Rant Number: 17331
When: Yesterday
What kind: Hey, did you see this?
Where: azcentral.com
I found this article at the Arizona Republic website at azcentral.com(got it in my e-mail):

Santas told 'Ho Ho Hos' scare the kids

WELLINGTON, New Zealand - It's not a clause in their contracts - yet - but a recruiting agency is asking the Santas they hire to work in malls not to yell "Ho Ho Ho!" because it scares children.

"We're trying to divert them off going 'ho ho ho!' ... for some children it can seem a bit ferocious," said Sian Barber of Westaff Recruitment.

"I think the Santas (can still) use 'ho ho ho!' generally when entering a shopping mall, but in a one-on-one with a child, it's a wee bit intimidating," she added.

In this new, sensitive age, Santas are being taught "Santa patter" for talking to children the right way, and being selected based on their ability to listen and show patience, warmth and understanding.

It's important to approach the children with a friendly greeting, like '"hello, haven't seen you for a long time,' or 'lovely of you to visit,' those sorts of things," Barber said.

A spokesman for leading department store Kirkcaldie and Stains said few Santas use the phrase when they have a child sitting on their knee.

But it's "an essential signoff when Santa is off to feed the reindeer," said operations manager Rod Spencer.

From the upcoming book, Let's Foam Pad the World for the Children, Chapter 12,864

Oh, for the days of Sinterklaas, the tough, uncompromising "Santa" of the Low Countries, who gave gifts to children who were good and who arranged for those who had been bad... to be WHIPPED.

Ho, ho, ho.

Turtle

When: November 29, 2001
What kind: I just wanna flame
Where: Idaho

School superintendents in Idaho are considering a tiered-diploma system, since so many moron kids can't seem to pass the basic ISAT (Idaho Standard Achievement Test), which is required to graduate. As you might guess, a whole lot of the little fuckers aren't graduating. Under the proposal, diplomas would be structured as follows:

    * "Diploma with Distinction" would be awarded to those who can actually walk without dragging their knuckles, and are able to pass basic bonehead standardized tests, including the ISAT.
    * "Diploma with Proficiency" would go to students who fucked up the ISAT, but still meet basic state standards, and can presumably tell you their names and addresses if you ask them slowly enough.
    * And finally, we have "Limited Proficiency Diploma," or that sacred document that guarantees a young person a career where he or she offers to super-size your meal for you. These 'uns meet "district requirements only."

Another feature of the new rules proposed by the school superintendent is a plan to fire teachers who turn out classloads full of "Limited Proficiency" chimps. OK, I guess a teacher might have some responsibility for baking a batch of loser kids, but you know what? Nowhere in the superintendent's plan is ANY mention that parunts, oh, I dunno, just MIGHT have some responsibility for kids who get a Lite Diploma because they cannot even pass a basic competency test. Or how about blaming the kids themselves, who are arguably old enough to understand the correlation between studying and achievement. Why not get a plan in place to fire students instead? "You're wasting class time, acting up and doing nothing but making trouble and blowing the school's bell curve. You're fired. Get out. See how you like the streets."

Rant Number: 17672
When: December 8, 2001
What kind: Not a rant -- a rave!
Where: My dad blasts a breeder on the plane
My dad is a pretty quiet person. He has a very high tolerance level for some things that would send me off in a rage. While we were on the plane yesterday, we sat right in front of this obnoxious woman who kept regaling her two other row-mates with stories about her widdle pweshus. When it came to such topics as the consistency of diaper crap and color of vomit, dad's stomach was definitely churning. Then the woman gushed for over fifteen minutes about how Bratley finally was potty trained at age four. Four? Obviously the kid is not going to be a rocket scientist. After another five minutes boasting about this brat's accomplishment in mastering the toilet, my dad had enough. He turned around to the woman and said, in an exasperated tone, "Jeezus Keyrist lady...he learned how to shit in a toilet, not how to do advanced calculus! Put a sock in it!" The flight attendant standing nearby was laughing so hard that she nearly spilled hot coffee all over a passenger. The breeding bint just sat there looking like someone had just shoved a dunce cap on her and sputtered for a response. The other passengers sharing her row hardly rushed to her defense and started to laugh at her themselves. I just love it when somebody as reticent as my dad puts a bragging breeder in their place! Thank you dad!

Rant Number: 17675
When: Just now!
What kind: I just wanna flame
Where: At work, where else?


Holy jumping Jesus in drag!

One of the uber-breeders here at work finally snapped. And she snapped at me. And boy, was it a mistake.

There we were, in the break room. I was putting my quarters in the vending machine and talking to my CF co-worker Lori about how I'm going to Las Vegas for vacation the last week of December. Behind us is lurking one of the bitchiest breeders in our department, who has made casual, offhand remarks in the past about how "weird" I am for being CF. (In fact, Lori told me that the first thing this bitch tells new employees about me is that (gasp) I don't like kids.

So I'm going on about Las Vegas, and Lori (who went to Vegas two years ago) was telling me about must-see stuff and finally the stupid Breeder Moo couldn't deal with it anymore. She said (in an obviously disgusted and envious voice) "How the hell can you afford to go to Las Vegas for a week? I make a hell of a lot more than you and I can't afford to even take a vacation!"

Well, we all know the answer to that one, don't we? I just stared at her coldly and said (in a somewhat smarmy tone, I admit) "It's called expendable income. Which is a result of not having children."

You would have thought the building exploded. She completely flaked. She literally screamed, at top volume, "Goddamn it, I am sick and tired of your child-hating, Diana! You're just fucking jealous of people with kids because we know that we'll have someone to love us and take care of us when we're old and you're going to be all alone! And you just can't stand that, can you? Knowing that you'll be all alone and unloved!"

Everyone in the break room just stood there like frozen food. In a very low voice I said, "that was a mistake." And I walked directly out into the hall into my boss's office. (Come to think of it, I never did get my Coke).

I told the boss exactly what had happened and that I was filing a formal complaint for harrassment. My boss (who knows about my CF-ness and who appears to be a PNB, but who really knows) said that considering the language she used, there is definitely a complaint there. And I told him (boss) that if anyone at work ever even intimates that I am in any way inferior because I haven't shit out a kid, I'm going to hound Human Resources until they're so sick of seeing my face they promote me to Vice President.

That cow was the last straw. I've fucking had it.

~~ Diana