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The Road to Success
by marja blom

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a great deal of where you want to get to" said the Cat.
"I don't much care where,"said Alice.
"Than it doesn't matter which way you go" said the Cat.
Lewis Carol, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

We ask our children "What do you want to be when you grow up?" A lot of children don't know. They haven't found out which road to take yet. Occasionally a child answers for example "Iwant to be a doctor". Most of us would probably tell him that he has to work very hard to become a doctor. But you could take it a step further by taking him serious and tell him that you support him all the way. Even if he makes a little effort, make a jump of joy because it increases his changes to succeed.

Let's have a short look at how your child's brain develops. your child is born with a fixed amount of brain cells. When your child engages with his environment he learns and connections are made between the braincells in the form of dendrites. The amount of connections being made will peak for a girl at about 11 and for boys at about 12 1/2 years. Than pruning starts. Connections which are used a lot stay and if they don't use them they lose them. After that learning becomes slower. However the connections being made are getting stronger and faster and more efficient.

Let's translate that in a simple way to your doctor in the making. If his passion is fuelled enough he will stay focussed and interested in learning. Attention and motivation ate two key factors in learning. If he keeps it up till he is 12 his basic pathways are well established and his change of becoming a doctor increases.

Now don't you tell your child tonight that he has to become a doctor. that won't work. Some children know from an early age what they want but for most it takes a lot longer sometimes a lifetime. The thing is it is about discovering who you child is and not who you want him to be. What can we do to stimulate them on the road of self-discovery and therefore on the road to fulfilling their potential?

Give plenty oppertunity to learn and discover

Give your child plenty of opportunities to learn and discover. Go to the Zoo and the Museum, let him choose a sport, join Scouting or give him the oppertunity to learn an instrument. To find out in which areas his interests and strength are, is to try it out. When your child is good at something, there is a big change he will do more of it. He doesn't have to be good at though. Sometimes an interest is enough to develop a lifelong passion. I was slow to develop in language as a child and when I told the teacher that I wanted to be a writer he made sure that I understood that I had not much ability in that area. I forgot about it for a while but it always lingered in the background and one day I will get there. It is however good to be realistic as well. To create false hope won't help your child. Just be aware that perseverance and other skills can be just as important as talent.

Empower your child

Empowering means that you give your child some control over his life. The amount of control depends on the age and the ability of the child. You give your child control by giving him a choice. It can be as simple as letting him choose which colout T-shirt to wear. Later on he might choose all by himself what to wear. Also try to let your child think for himself. If he comes to you with a proble ask him first "What could you have done in that situation?" or when he is a bit older "When you wake up and the problem was gone, what would be different?" When you ask this kind of questions you let him think about the problem and let him look for solutions.
Trust you child when you give him a choice and when they solve their own problem and allow for mistakes. There is a big change that his choices will not always be the best but it is an excellent oppertunity to learn. With your help and within a safe environment he will learn that certain choices are not in his best interest and that he can repeat othere choices.

When you empower your child it also helps him to develop self-control. When your child does his homework because he is afraid of the consequences set by you than you are in control. When your child does him homework because he wants to become a doctor than your child is in control. in the first case your child might have a tendency to rebellion in the latter he might learn to persevere. Again the process of self-control doesn't happen overnight. It takes time and practise.

Goal setting

Teach your child to set goals. When your child is young you might start with setting goals for him. You might say to him "We shall work this month on playing nicely with your brother" Write the goal down and make sure you reward him when the goal is achieved. When your child is a bit older ask him which goal he wants to set for himself. He might choose to master the timetables. Discuss with him why it is important that he reaches his goal. Break the goal in achievable pieces so that your child can experience success. Write down that in the first week your child wants to be able to master the 3 time tables. Along the way you can adjust the goals depending on your child's input and ability. When your child reaches a goal he will experience success and this is good for his self-esteem.

Working through anxiety

To reach a goal your child has to learn new skills and expand himself. this can cause anxiety. Tell your child that it is normal to be nervous when you have to do new things. Tell him stories about how you or somebody else you know faced their fear. Give your child some strategies which help him to relax and conquer the problem. Positive thinkin, taking a deep breath, having a sense of humour and problem solving are some examples which can help. When your child has a setback let him relax first. When he is calm you could help him by talking through the problem by asking him: How could you do things different next time? If the child doesn't know give him some suggestions. Maybe he could break the task in smaller steps or approach it differently. Praise your child for every time he tries even if it take a long time.

Alway remember that the skills metioned above will take a long time to learn. The brain of a child is still developing and the part responsible for things like decision making, weighing the consequences of one's actions and surpressing impulses is the last part to mature. However in a non-judgemental environment your child will sooner or later, find the road hich leads to the best he can be. With the right skills and attitude he is more likely to stay on that road and becomes succesful in what he does. Whatever that is.

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