Do you have a friend or
family member who won't get out of an abusive relationship?
Are you
dumb-founded, pulling your hair out, wondering why nothing that you say can
convince them to leave?
Do they tell you that they are going to leave their
abuser, and then the next thing you know, they change their mind and stay? And then, your friend avoids you or defends the abuser?
My friends and family felt
this way about me!
Here is how I see it, and I'll bet that your friend or loved
one is going through the same thing as I did. The cycle of abuse is very similar
in almost all cases of domestic abuse. Try to visualize your friend telling you
what I am about to say. Does it fit?
The first "hook": Romantic Bonding
Think about this for a
minute; when I first met Shane, he wasn't mean or abusive at all! He
was very, very, very nice! Like most cases of abuse, there was at least
a month of total romantic bliss! During that first month, I became bonded and
committed to him. It began with a loving courtship, and as the
abuse continued it became an even deeper bond because we were trying to
overcome an obstacle together.
I "fell" in love
with him because he was so nice and thoughtful toward me. I would
not have fallen in love with him if he had been abusive right out of
the gate. Through the "falling in love" process, there is an incredible amount
of "bonding" that takes place. I see these little surveys going around that ask
about who you think about when you wake up in the morning, who you hope to get
an e-mail from, who makes your heart leap when you look at them or even think
about them. All of these things took place when I was falling in love with
Shane. I thought that he was the best thing that ever happened to me!
Most of the time, abusers are even more loving and romantic than the
normal person. Most abusers are very passionate people!
The second "hook": The Attention
Sometime during the blissful romance, he got angry at
me, for the very first time. He didn't hit me or push me, he yelled at
me. ( Abuse normally begins with yelling and name calling.) He was so passionate
towards me. I felt like he must really love me if he was so angry at me
that he had to yell about it!
But, I was also confused, heartbroken, and scared.
Now, my Romeo was showing a different side of himself, the "not so nice" side.
But, because I was so in love with him, and I just knew that
he was "Mr. Right," I figured that he was just tired or stressed out etc...And,
here's the kicker, he told me that he was sorry!
Since I was a child, I
was taught to forgive and forget! Jesus taught me to forgive! Plus, I didn't
want to believe that my perfect romance would ever end. I wanted to live happily
ever after! So, I forgave him for his outburst and life went on blissfully
again. I didn't tell anyone about the first few incidents. I thought that since
he was sorry, he would never do it again. I also didn't want my friends
or family to dislike Shane.
The third hook: The Desire to Help
Of course, the abuse escalated as time went on. But I
couldn't change the fact that I was in love with him, he paid all kinds of
attention to me, and he was sorry about the way he acted! He told me
that he needed me to help him. How could I turn my back on anyone, at a
time like that?
Have you ever held a crying friend, or comforted
someone who had problems? If that person asked you to help them, would it be
easy to just stand up and walk away? That's what it feels like to leave an
abuser. I loved Shane, I could see that he had a good heart! He said that he
wanted to change. I didn't realize that I was caught in a cycle that wasn't
going to end. I wanted to believe in miracles. I wanted to believe that one day
he would stop raging and we could be happy on a consistent basis. Then,
to top it off, a doctor told me that it was highly unlikely, but that there was
a chance that Shane could change!
I finally realized that I wasn't loving
him by staying with him. If I really wanted to help him, I needed to get out of
his life. It's like spoiling a child to the point where they can't do anything
for themself. I knew that he would never
change and deal with his fears/anger, as long as he had me to take on
the responsibility of changing him.
Plus, I realized that by trying to change him, or by
wishing that he would change...well, I was playing God. God runs the show. God
has the perfect plan for Shane and by leaving him, I could open the door for God
to work in Shanes life.
I finally left him, because I realized that I was
not helping him by letting him destroy me.
I left him because I realized that I will only live
once, and I wanted to live a better life with the precious time that God gave
me.
I left him because I realized that he could
live without me. He had been living without me for years, before we met.
And if he killed himself, (which is almost always one of the threats) then it
wasn't my fault. He would be the one to make that
choice. That would be between him and God. His life was not in my
hands, even though he tried desperately to make me believe that it
was.
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